SIMPLE UNSINKING SOLUTIONS!!!

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand...

IDK about you folks...but unlike previous editions of the tidbit...I am actually excited to discover this information...and just as prepared to offer a few helpful hints of my own...I know this tidbit to be entirely true...since I am currently occupying just such a position...lying on my back while slowly raising my legs...and guess what??? I'm NOT sinking in quicksand...why??? Because I am NOT laying in a pit of quicksand at the time I practice these steps...here's another helpful hint that will keep you safe from falling into a quicksand spot...KEEP AWAY from areas where quicksand exists...eat lighter food groups...(see Vegans...those people float by when they fart)...walk on solid surfaces...concrete...asphalt...hard packed land masses...you get the picture...if ya wanna stay above ground...don't be a DUMBASS and venture into unfamiliar territory without the proper equipment...holy crap...now for a simple exercise in stupidity...lay on the floor...(NO NOT AT WORK...WAIT TIL YOU GET HOME)...now slowly raise your legs...what do you notice???  Legs are starting to get heavy rather quickly aren't they??? And where do you feel the most pressure??? On your lower back if you are doing it right...the one spot this genius wants you to keep planted in the soft slurping sand pit...which more than likely means you are placing more weight on a centralized location...kinda counterproductive to staying afloat isn't it...heavier objects sink without proper weight disbursement and buoyancy...I won't even get into the asshat's inability to formulate a sentence worthy of reading...if you follow this dipshidiot's instructions...and are successful please video tape the proceedings and forward them to me...I will make you an overnight internet sensation...schedule you a world tour of talk shows and make you more famous than Jesus...because here's the thing...you CANNOT "raise your legs slowly"...and "lay on your back" without being in an anti-gravity chamber...trying to raise your legs slowly without first being on your back will almost assuredly land you in the hospital with a multitude of injuries...and when you really STOP to think about it...how do most people stumble into a soft wet sand pit???  That's right folks...shout it out... FEET FIRST...and IDK cuz I've NEVER been ignorant enough to come across one...but I would imagine that once you have submerged your feet and lower body into a bath of quicksand...the ensuing struggle to bring those feet and body parts to the surface is going to enhance and increase the sinking situation...rather than eliminate it from the equation...and since this Google-less guru couldn't take the 120 seconds to do a little research here is a rather interesting fact you should be aware of...most quicksand pits are seldom deeper then 2-3 feet...if they are that deep at all...the proper way to get out of quicksand is to RELAX...a human body can float on water...quicksand being denser than water makes it easier for the human body to float...in most cases simply striking the all to familiar pose of a fresh water floater will keep you from being the recipient of this years Darwin Award..(given posthumously to the dee-dee-dee who died a tragic death as a direct result of their own stupidity)...and here's a final word...if you truly have a fear of quicksand develop agoraphobia and STAY in your house FOREVER...for it is people like you we want to cull from the mortal coil and be done with...I'll tell ya folks...it is stuff like this that makes me wish I had a huge "DO-OVER" button that would allow me to go back to the day my first born became old enough to educate...if this doesn't SCREAM...HOME SCHOOL YOUR CHILDREN...IDK what will...we desperately need to overhaul the internet...it has been in existence for a few decades now and has been in need of an upgrade for more than half that time...at least divide it into 2 systems labeled...FACTUAL...and SHIT DUBYA WOULD BUY...keep it simple...FACTUAL stuff is everything that can be considered tested...true and relevant...SHIT DUBYA WOULD BUY...would include EVERYTHING taught by public school systems...EVERYTHING published by mass media outlets and all other crazy crap that cannot be verified...don't go swimming in quicksand to try and disprove this point...schedule a little dumpster diving event closer to home if you must act out ignorantly when being provided useless information...it is much easier to clean up and I won't hafta worry about attending a funeral where the theme song comes from DROWNING POOL!!!