There is NO rice in ricepaper...
OMFG...just when I thought we were gettin' close to drainin' the shallow end of the gene pool...up pops another spring of stupidity...NO rice in ricepaper...really??? Do you know how completely void of common sense an individual hasta be in order to do the research required prior to putting such retarded shit it writing...this idiots next job oughtta be performing as the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz...f**kin' brainless bucket of body parts anyway...this moron is a walking billboard in support of stem cell research...I'm gonna go out on a limb here...without the assistance of Google...and absent of a net to catch me should I fall...but I'm guessin' there are NO toilets in toiletpaper either...you probably wouldn't believe me if I told ya there aren't any sandwiches in sandwich bags...there isn't one single duck in duck sauce...Walnuts...aren't made from walls...there's nothing soft about a softball...the Internal Revenue Service doesn't provide a service at all...nor does it conduct business internally...if it did it wouldn't require money from external components in order to operate efficiently...I mean where does this guy get off making such a ridiculous claim...my god I could go on forever pointing out products that don't contain items from their respective titles...Dish soap...isn't made from dishes...nor is baby powder produced from ground up infants...it boggles the mind when ya stop to consider that somebody...apparently NOT of an Asian ethnicity took the time...and put forth the effort...to actually research the ingredients of ricepaper before submitting their findings for the rest of the rectally birthed boneheads to go all gaga over...I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I heard about ricepaper...and simultaneously realized it had NOTHING to do with rice...the very first episode of Kung-Fu...starring that self-choking...closet incased...cock clubbin' Carradine boy...'Honorable Glasshoppa must closs the loom sirentry...while walkin ova licepapah'...at the time that show aired I believe my age was still in the single digits...slightly higher than the authors IQ...and yet I was able to deduce that ricepaper didn't contain rice...imagine that...perhaps it was due in part to my early academic years in elementary school where I soon realized that construction paper is one of the laziest of it's species...unable to build a damn thing without manipulation and instruction from others...ya know...had this tidbit come from somebody who was...say...3 years old...I would view it in an entirely different light...I would raise that child to my shoulders...run down the street...yelling...shouting...and signing praise over such a prodigious pedial person...because let's be honest...if your kid doesn't pick up on these simple things before going to pre-school...there is an above average possibility they are gonna waste your life savings on an education they can't use...they'll end up 30 year old paranormal experts...23 years past their prime...these are the kinds of un-genii...(that's a Wixson-ism...f**k it I hadta put up with it for 8 years...you guys can suffer one from time to time to ease my pain...un-genii...a group of...less than gifted...grey matter meltdowns)...we need to shake ourselves free from...they are significantly reducing our overall rating as a race...it saddens the soul to read a statement like that...I don't know about you...but I feel dumber just having read it...and I don't mean just a little..it's like bang my head against the wall while sucking my thumb stupid...and I only feel that way because I try to put myself in the originating authors shoes...see it from their perspective...try to envision what's going thru their minds when an overabundance of information results in the eye opening flash of illumination associated with pure inception...and I hafta be completely honest here...otherwise I would be lying...(see what happened there...BOOM...just like that...dropped an IQ point)...99.99999999% of the time...when I read the things these football helmets full of frontal lobotomies fumble outta their mouths...ONE...undying...beautifully illustrated picture accompanies this thought..."SO...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING STUCK TO THE DRAIN IN THREE FEET OF WATER!!!"
Friday, March 16, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
03/15/12
The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within a few degrees by the chirps of a cricket. Count the number of chirps in a 15 second period & add 37 to the total...This formula, however, only works in warm weather...
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
03/14/12
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabet Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas...
That's interesting...a major player in the global food market chose sides during WWII...and yet were still allowed to conduct business with the enemy from within the safety of our shores...whaddaya suppose they did during the Vietnam War...make a product that consisted of little pasta shapes that looked like grains of rice...think maybe they have their fingers in the Middle Eastern Wars we are currently engaged in...say pasta shaped like little barrels of oil...camels...and unfolded towels??? Why didn't they expand even further during WWII...say make a version of pasta shaped like bombs...they coulda airdropped food supplies all over Britain and France...they could make a pasta-less version of Alphabet Soup and send it to North Korea...to symbolize their lack of utilizing electricity at night...I think they missed out on alot of financial gain...coulda made little Jewish star shaped pasta for those being persecuted...I'm sure most of us are pretty familiar with Heinz...as well as thier products...and I for one have NEVER been able to properly identify their little pasta shapes as resembling anything close to the alphabet I grew up learning in English class...stands to reason that the Hitler Swastika Stew they concocted during WWII...was a simple design flaw in the pasta cuttin process...that ended up coming out lookin' like little squares...American food companies aren't the only ones guilty of capitalizing on thier mistakes...as Momma can attest...every year...during the culmination of Major Sports Schedules...World Series...Super Bowl...NBA Finals...and the Stanley Cup...major clothing merchandisers jump the gun...they produce shirts...hats...and any and all other souvernirs associated with the event...for BOTH teams...knowing well in advance that there can be only ONE winner of said event...for instance...the last Super Bowl was played between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants...with the Giants prevailing...so what did Nike/Reebok/Adidas...or whoever had the contracts for merchandising materials...do with the product they mass produced for the losing team...the Patriots??? They shipped them overseas and sold them anyway...at a fraction of the price you paid for the appropriate gear...so now when you visit third world countries without cable or any everyday news source the populace can understand...you'll see a plethora of people garbed in the flawed fan-demonium of failure...it's called CAPITALISM...and according to those privvy to it...it's a working program without flaws...unfortunately CAPITALISM only works if you're fortunate enough to be born into it...because big business and government HATE competition...they will enact illegal laws that prevent your progress...or at the very least leverage a buyout...in which case they still win in the long run...half the garbage that adorns the shelves of your local supermarket...came from mistakes in the manufacturing process of other foods...I don't agree with the Heinz Company's tactics during WWII...but that's the beauty of corruption in this country...we own the copyright...we've mastered it in ways other countries envy...I suppose most of you think that the escalating gas prices are a direct result of the oil embargo currently in place against Iran...and in a round-about way you'd be correct...but NOT for the reasons you might think...big oil businesses here in America have been trying to figure out a way to raise gas prices in this country since the early 70's...they finally figured it out...initiate an oil embargo...or war...against one of the worlds leading oil rich countries...then buy the required barrels thru back channels...at a reduced rate...since the country in question is now stuggling to survive...jack up the prices at the pump...and reap the rewards...I know there are cynics amongst you...who prefer to believe what the goverment run mass media outlets like FOX NEWS tell ya...and to those of you who fall into this category...all I can say is...Ignorance is Bliss...there is NO hope for you...get your helmet on...tighten your chinstraps securely...and continue on with your uneventful ride...I'm surprised other food companies haven't jumped on board with this concept...they could manufacture a whole new line of products...History Hodge Podge Collection...depicting tragedies throughtout human history...Oscar Meyer could come out with...Big Bang Balogna...each piece would have a huge hole right in the middle where the meteor struck...Keebler could produce Colloseum Crackers...depicting images of half-eaten Christians crawling away from Lions and Tigers...Frito Lays could just put a French Flag on their product...the corn chips are already curled up in the fetal position fearing for their lives...Slim Jim could manufacture Kosher Jewish Jerkey...each strip shaped like a forearm...complete with a numeric tattoo branded on both sides...Minute rice could just change the packaging of their product...plaster a picture of Ho Chi Minh on the box and make it available in Vietnam...the possibilities are endless...Folgers could make Iron Curtain/Cold War Coffee...comes in brick form...ya hafta chisel off a chunk at a time...brew it for years...but in the end it has a faint taste of freedom...Dunkin could make Dutch Oven Donuts...shaped like skeletal remains...flavored with a hint of ash...Armour could make Atilla the Hun Hash...Mueller's would have the possibility to incorporate Luftwaffe Lasagna for England...served wave after wave...Kraft could invent Sparta Salad Dressing...capable of holding you over til the real meal arrived at the table...the list goes on and on... Del Monte's Desert Dromedary Delicacies...where everything tastes like dirt and camel dung...Eggo could make Revolutionary War Waffles...shaped like runnin' redcoats...smothered with Aunt Jemima's Two if by Sea Syrup...hell if we could get enough of these major food companies to cooperate we could eliminate the need for fiscal funding of History classes in every school across America...lighten the load for all those teachers...who seem to constantly complain about being overworked...while simultaneously enjoying the long summer break the rest of us forfeited upon completion of our academic achievements...you can't blame Heinz for being the epitome of early exploitation in a failed political system...the purpose of the United States Constitution is to limit the power of the Federal Government...NOT the American People...and until we MTFU (Man The F**k Up) and elect individuals who have the same values as the majority of the populace they were assigned to protect...the outlook of our country's future appears in need of Nabisco's...Wixson's New World Wafers...each cookie comes with an impression of my iconic image on one side...and an illuminated light bulb on the other...to help those without foresight see the direction our future should follow!!!
That's interesting...a major player in the global food market chose sides during WWII...and yet were still allowed to conduct business with the enemy from within the safety of our shores...whaddaya suppose they did during the Vietnam War...make a product that consisted of little pasta shapes that looked like grains of rice...think maybe they have their fingers in the Middle Eastern Wars we are currently engaged in...say pasta shaped like little barrels of oil...camels...and unfolded towels??? Why didn't they expand even further during WWII...say make a version of pasta shaped like bombs...they coulda airdropped food supplies all over Britain and France...they could make a pasta-less version of Alphabet Soup and send it to North Korea...to symbolize their lack of utilizing electricity at night...I think they missed out on alot of financial gain...coulda made little Jewish star shaped pasta for those being persecuted...I'm sure most of us are pretty familiar with Heinz...as well as thier products...and I for one have NEVER been able to properly identify their little pasta shapes as resembling anything close to the alphabet I grew up learning in English class...stands to reason that the Hitler Swastika Stew they concocted during WWII...was a simple design flaw in the pasta cuttin process...that ended up coming out lookin' like little squares...American food companies aren't the only ones guilty of capitalizing on thier mistakes...as Momma can attest...every year...during the culmination of Major Sports Schedules...World Series...Super Bowl...NBA Finals...and the Stanley Cup...major clothing merchandisers jump the gun...they produce shirts...hats...and any and all other souvernirs associated with the event...for BOTH teams...knowing well in advance that there can be only ONE winner of said event...for instance...the last Super Bowl was played between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants...with the Giants prevailing...so what did Nike/Reebok/Adidas...or whoever had the contracts for merchandising materials...do with the product they mass produced for the losing team...the Patriots??? They shipped them overseas and sold them anyway...at a fraction of the price you paid for the appropriate gear...so now when you visit third world countries without cable or any everyday news source the populace can understand...you'll see a plethora of people garbed in the flawed fan-demonium of failure...it's called CAPITALISM...and according to those privvy to it...it's a working program without flaws...unfortunately CAPITALISM only works if you're fortunate enough to be born into it...because big business and government HATE competition...they will enact illegal laws that prevent your progress...or at the very least leverage a buyout...in which case they still win in the long run...half the garbage that adorns the shelves of your local supermarket...came from mistakes in the manufacturing process of other foods...I don't agree with the Heinz Company's tactics during WWII...but that's the beauty of corruption in this country...we own the copyright...we've mastered it in ways other countries envy...I suppose most of you think that the escalating gas prices are a direct result of the oil embargo currently in place against Iran...and in a round-about way you'd be correct...but NOT for the reasons you might think...big oil businesses here in America have been trying to figure out a way to raise gas prices in this country since the early 70's...they finally figured it out...initiate an oil embargo...or war...against one of the worlds leading oil rich countries...then buy the required barrels thru back channels...at a reduced rate...since the country in question is now stuggling to survive...jack up the prices at the pump...and reap the rewards...I know there are cynics amongst you...who prefer to believe what the goverment run mass media outlets like FOX NEWS tell ya...and to those of you who fall into this category...all I can say is...Ignorance is Bliss...there is NO hope for you...get your helmet on...tighten your chinstraps securely...and continue on with your uneventful ride...I'm surprised other food companies haven't jumped on board with this concept...they could manufacture a whole new line of products...History Hodge Podge Collection...depicting tragedies throughtout human history...Oscar Meyer could come out with...Big Bang Balogna...each piece would have a huge hole right in the middle where the meteor struck...Keebler could produce Colloseum Crackers...depicting images of half-eaten Christians crawling away from Lions and Tigers...Frito Lays could just put a French Flag on their product...the corn chips are already curled up in the fetal position fearing for their lives...Slim Jim could manufacture Kosher Jewish Jerkey...each strip shaped like a forearm...complete with a numeric tattoo branded on both sides...Minute rice could just change the packaging of their product...plaster a picture of Ho Chi Minh on the box and make it available in Vietnam...the possibilities are endless...Folgers could make Iron Curtain/Cold War Coffee...comes in brick form...ya hafta chisel off a chunk at a time...brew it for years...but in the end it has a faint taste of freedom...Dunkin could make Dutch Oven Donuts...shaped like skeletal remains...flavored with a hint of ash...Armour could make Atilla the Hun Hash...Mueller's would have the possibility to incorporate Luftwaffe Lasagna for England...served wave after wave...Kraft could invent Sparta Salad Dressing...capable of holding you over til the real meal arrived at the table...the list goes on and on... Del Monte's Desert Dromedary Delicacies...where everything tastes like dirt and camel dung...Eggo could make Revolutionary War Waffles...shaped like runnin' redcoats...smothered with Aunt Jemima's Two if by Sea Syrup...hell if we could get enough of these major food companies to cooperate we could eliminate the need for fiscal funding of History classes in every school across America...lighten the load for all those teachers...who seem to constantly complain about being overworked...while simultaneously enjoying the long summer break the rest of us forfeited upon completion of our academic achievements...you can't blame Heinz for being the epitome of early exploitation in a failed political system...the purpose of the United States Constitution is to limit the power of the Federal Government...NOT the American People...and until we MTFU (Man The F**k Up) and elect individuals who have the same values as the majority of the populace they were assigned to protect...the outlook of our country's future appears in need of Nabisco's...Wixson's New World Wafers...each cookie comes with an impression of my iconic image on one side...and an illuminated light bulb on the other...to help those without foresight see the direction our future should follow!!!
Monday, March 12, 2012
03/13/12
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 BC...
Pure...uncontestable...genius righ there...seldom do we encounter this type of intellect in our daily travels on Tidbit Tours...this is something we need to strongly consider retro-izing...contraceptive fecal contraptions...they are gender receptive...either sex can select to utilize them...and they can be had at a relatively low cost...free if you happen to have your own pet...and they're just effective as condoms...if NOT better...(what's that??? Are there non-believers out there???)...I am so sure this will work that I am willing to offer a Worry Free Guarantee...if you're a Doubting Thomas Type...try it out...I'm NOT sure how the Egyptians used this material originally...if they formed some sorta sperm deflecting shit shield that was fitted to protect the egg deploying drop chutes...or if it was some kinda dung dip they flopped their phallus in just before flailing around the female fun tunnel...but ya don't hafta be a foreseer of futuristic f**king forays to figure out why this was so effective then...and would be just as effeective NOW...because once you start applying poop to your private parts...you significantly deplete the probability of being chosen as a sexual partner...YES...even at AA meetings...(some people...I tell ya)...I mean I know there are some sick fetishes out there...and I'm REALLY hoping that SHIT SNIFFING SEXUAL SITUATIONS isn't one shared by those who read this page daily...I'll bet even I would have trouble convincing a would be concubine to climb aboard my Caca Coated Collosal Canyon Carving Equipment...I'm smellin Breach of Contract issues...somethin' tells me I'd be needing a full body scrub...in a vat of lime and lye...followed by a bleach and vinegar rinse...before I'd even be allowed to wade in the shallow end of the gene pool again...I mean can you imagine Loni Anderson... back in her hey day...laying out naked...seemingly awaiting your arrival...and as you get closer you notice a layer of shit from an overgrown lizard where her landing strip should be...see what I mean...ya don't even hafta actually apply the stuff...a simple visual seems to do the trick...(looks down at shorts)...Nope...not even a twitch...I'm bettin' it goes both ways...am I right??? Guys don't want turd on their taco...anymore than ladies want caca on the corndog...makes sense...or am I proudly and pleasantly missing something in the history of shitty sex stories??? Maybe China and India need to explore ancient Egypt's egg protecting poo program...they seem to be increasing their respective population numbers at a rate rabbits couldn't keep up with...I'm tellin' ya...this stuff will work...wanna teach your pre pubescent...hormonally exploding...soon to be teenager about Safe Sex...hide a cleverly disguised piece of cat crap in their backpack...they'll drop friends like flies...and attract flies like friends...when they wonder why...you can explain to them that aside from caca...condoms are not only cheaper than diapers...they keep you from contracing shit they haven't invented shots for yet...on a semi-related side note...you have no idea how happy I am my Mother...bless her soul...wasn't aware of this back in my formative years...I'd still be living down the hall from my brother and sister...with a 9 o'clock curfew...like we'd need one...the dog and the damn flies are the only things NOT leaving us alone...don't get me wrong...Mom was magnificent...but had she had this knowledge 25-30 years ago...I'm afraid the tables woulda turned and me and my siblings woulda only gotten outta the house for an hour and a half a week...on Sundays...to go confess all the sins we committed while under Alcatraz Solitary Confinement type situations...NOT that she was strict...but you can see what kinda Game Changer this sorta info woulda been...bad enough we had to sleep during the day as it was...I coulda grown up covered in enough crap to look like a walking candy bar...crocodile dung contraceptives...ya know why this idea didn't stand the test of time??? Sometimes intelligent ideas like this are technologically premature...to such an extent they are long forgotten and discontinued by the time their period of profitablility peaks...wanna know how I would expand upon this concept...and turn it into a veritable cash cow...one word...AEROSOL...put that stuff in a can...add an aerosol expellent... and you have a contraceptive body spray that is guaranteed to keep even a death row inmate...with necrophiliac notions...from wanting to copulate with your deceased corpse...everybody could use this stuff...insecure couples worried about the others indiscretion...professional golfers who pull out of competition on Sunday quicker than they do tramps that look like sand traps...(I won't mention any names...but I'll give ya a hint...in case ya don't follow golf...Big Cat...Forest)...that's one guy I'm not too sure this type of contraception would work for...didja see some fo the fugly things he fornicated with...ya coulda smeared them in enough shit to look like the Michelin Man after being masacred with mudpies...and it probably woulda been an improvement...me personally...I don't care how drop dead gorgeous you are...how tantalizing the pole dance was...or how sexy you are in your birthday suit...you show up hopin' to share a new sexual position...smellin' like alligator anus...or crocodile crotch...and all bets are off...I'll fly out the first avenue of escape so fast you'll no longer think of Mercury...messenger of the gods...as a myth!!!
Pure...uncontestable...genius righ there...seldom do we encounter this type of intellect in our daily travels on Tidbit Tours...this is something we need to strongly consider retro-izing...contraceptive fecal contraptions...they are gender receptive...either sex can select to utilize them...and they can be had at a relatively low cost...free if you happen to have your own pet...and they're just effective as condoms...if NOT better...(what's that??? Are there non-believers out there???)...I am so sure this will work that I am willing to offer a Worry Free Guarantee...if you're a Doubting Thomas Type...try it out...I'm NOT sure how the Egyptians used this material originally...if they formed some sorta sperm deflecting shit shield that was fitted to protect the egg deploying drop chutes...or if it was some kinda dung dip they flopped their phallus in just before flailing around the female fun tunnel...but ya don't hafta be a foreseer of futuristic f**king forays to figure out why this was so effective then...and would be just as effeective NOW...because once you start applying poop to your private parts...you significantly deplete the probability of being chosen as a sexual partner...YES...even at AA meetings...(some people...I tell ya)...I mean I know there are some sick fetishes out there...and I'm REALLY hoping that SHIT SNIFFING SEXUAL SITUATIONS isn't one shared by those who read this page daily...I'll bet even I would have trouble convincing a would be concubine to climb aboard my Caca Coated Collosal Canyon Carving Equipment...I'm smellin Breach of Contract issues...somethin' tells me I'd be needing a full body scrub...in a vat of lime and lye...followed by a bleach and vinegar rinse...before I'd even be allowed to wade in the shallow end of the gene pool again...I mean can you imagine Loni Anderson... back in her hey day...laying out naked...seemingly awaiting your arrival...and as you get closer you notice a layer of shit from an overgrown lizard where her landing strip should be...see what I mean...ya don't even hafta actually apply the stuff...a simple visual seems to do the trick...(looks down at shorts)...Nope...not even a twitch...I'm bettin' it goes both ways...am I right??? Guys don't want turd on their taco...anymore than ladies want caca on the corndog...makes sense...or am I proudly and pleasantly missing something in the history of shitty sex stories??? Maybe China and India need to explore ancient Egypt's egg protecting poo program...they seem to be increasing their respective population numbers at a rate rabbits couldn't keep up with...I'm tellin' ya...this stuff will work...wanna teach your pre pubescent...hormonally exploding...soon to be teenager about Safe Sex...hide a cleverly disguised piece of cat crap in their backpack...they'll drop friends like flies...and attract flies like friends...when they wonder why...you can explain to them that aside from caca...condoms are not only cheaper than diapers...they keep you from contracing shit they haven't invented shots for yet...on a semi-related side note...you have no idea how happy I am my Mother...bless her soul...wasn't aware of this back in my formative years...I'd still be living down the hall from my brother and sister...with a 9 o'clock curfew...like we'd need one...the dog and the damn flies are the only things NOT leaving us alone...don't get me wrong...Mom was magnificent...but had she had this knowledge 25-30 years ago...I'm afraid the tables woulda turned and me and my siblings woulda only gotten outta the house for an hour and a half a week...on Sundays...to go confess all the sins we committed while under Alcatraz Solitary Confinement type situations...NOT that she was strict...but you can see what kinda Game Changer this sorta info woulda been...bad enough we had to sleep during the day as it was...I coulda grown up covered in enough crap to look like a walking candy bar...crocodile dung contraceptives...ya know why this idea didn't stand the test of time??? Sometimes intelligent ideas like this are technologically premature...to such an extent they are long forgotten and discontinued by the time their period of profitablility peaks...wanna know how I would expand upon this concept...and turn it into a veritable cash cow...one word...AEROSOL...put that stuff in a can...add an aerosol expellent... and you have a contraceptive body spray that is guaranteed to keep even a death row inmate...with necrophiliac notions...from wanting to copulate with your deceased corpse...everybody could use this stuff...insecure couples worried about the others indiscretion...professional golfers who pull out of competition on Sunday quicker than they do tramps that look like sand traps...(I won't mention any names...but I'll give ya a hint...in case ya don't follow golf...Big Cat...Forest)...that's one guy I'm not too sure this type of contraception would work for...didja see some fo the fugly things he fornicated with...ya coulda smeared them in enough shit to look like the Michelin Man after being masacred with mudpies...and it probably woulda been an improvement...me personally...I don't care how drop dead gorgeous you are...how tantalizing the pole dance was...or how sexy you are in your birthday suit...you show up hopin' to share a new sexual position...smellin' like alligator anus...or crocodile crotch...and all bets are off...I'll fly out the first avenue of escape so fast you'll no longer think of Mercury...messenger of the gods...as a myth!!!
03/12/12
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let go instantly...
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
03/09/12
On an America one-dollar bill there is an owl in the upper left hand corner of the "1" encased in a shield & a spider hidden in the front upper right hand corner...
I don't know about the owl bit...I've seen the spider...ya hafta use a magnifying glass to getta glimpse...and even then your eyesight better be pretty good...don't know about the owl bit...but there's alotta useless shit on every denomination of United States paper currency...as most of ya may recall... we've already established that pennies are worth more when ya boil all the bullshit outta the picture... I don't know why we continue to use paper money...or coins for that matter...plastic is the new currency... know how to satisfy a woman with just 3 1/2 inches??? Give her a credit card...for the longest time I demanded a check from my employer...and elected to cash it myself...it wasn't until last year I decided to opt for direct deposit...now I seldom have paper currency or pocket change on me...there just isn't much use for it...the only people who demand cash are government run facilities...which I find amusingly ironic...since they should know...it's not worth the paper it's printed on...all these little things that you can find...or could find on the older bills...were/are supposed to be a key part of the anti-counterfeiting conglomeration the boys holdin the gold came up with back in the day...when it mattered...when money was actually backed by something other than Bubba's Barrels of Bullshit...the borders on a dollar bill are supposedly the spider's webs...which I find ridiculous to say the least...you put a spider in one corner...an owl in the other...and you want me to believe that spider survived skirting around the owl while spinning all these webs...highly doubtful considering there doesn't appear to be another food source available...there are some very interesting theories about 'who'...as a collective group...came up with the designs on the dollar bill...it is probably the most discussed and debated 'bills' in existence...supposedly it contains clues to it's creators...here's something we can all do as we read along...let's see if this doesn't cause a couple of you to have a coronary...pull out a '1' dollar bill...lay it face down on your desk, or the table in front of you...you'll notice there are 2 circles a little bigger than a quarter that act as bookends to the word 'ONE'...let's take a look at the left one...with the unfinished pyramid...with the 'all seeing eye'...topping it off...now take a pen...pencil...if ya can't find one I hear Cape Canaveral has a few they aren't using right now...they're a little pricey tho...borrow a crayon from one of the kids...grandkids...modern artists...starting at the top of the eye...draw a line all the way down to the base of the pyramid...go back to the top of the eye...draw a line down the left side of the pyramid...make sure you keep the shadow to the right side of the line you're drawing...now draw a line across the bottom of the pyramid...okay...now go to the bottom of the triangle with the eye in it...draw a line from the bottom of this triangle over to the letter on the right...and do the same over to the letter on the left...now...finish this upside down triangle... which should complete the 6 pointed Star of David...now...look at the letters associated with 5 of the 6 points...if you did this correctly...you should have the letters M-A-S-O-N...now the next thing I am gonna share with you...I found by accident...while trying to look up something completely different... this is pretty out there...I hafta say...this is one of those things that...if it doesn't cause ya to burst a capillary or two...will at least make ya wonder just WTF is going on?!?!?! (and with that folks, I'm going to cut this short and provide you this link http://www.armageddononline.org/911.php so you can take a look for yourself...keep in mind...if you have the different denominations available to you...a keen eye...or a magnifying monocle smaller than the Hubble Telescope...you can see better details!!!)
I don't know about the owl bit...I've seen the spider...ya hafta use a magnifying glass to getta glimpse...and even then your eyesight better be pretty good...don't know about the owl bit...but there's alotta useless shit on every denomination of United States paper currency...as most of ya may recall... we've already established that pennies are worth more when ya boil all the bullshit outta the picture... I don't know why we continue to use paper money...or coins for that matter...plastic is the new currency... know how to satisfy a woman with just 3 1/2 inches??? Give her a credit card...for the longest time I demanded a check from my employer...and elected to cash it myself...it wasn't until last year I decided to opt for direct deposit...now I seldom have paper currency or pocket change on me...there just isn't much use for it...the only people who demand cash are government run facilities...which I find amusingly ironic...since they should know...it's not worth the paper it's printed on...all these little things that you can find...or could find on the older bills...were/are supposed to be a key part of the anti-counterfeiting conglomeration the boys holdin the gold came up with back in the day...when it mattered...when money was actually backed by something other than Bubba's Barrels of Bullshit...the borders on a dollar bill are supposedly the spider's webs...which I find ridiculous to say the least...you put a spider in one corner...an owl in the other...and you want me to believe that spider survived skirting around the owl while spinning all these webs...highly doubtful considering there doesn't appear to be another food source available...there are some very interesting theories about 'who'...as a collective group...came up with the designs on the dollar bill...it is probably the most discussed and debated 'bills' in existence...supposedly it contains clues to it's creators...here's something we can all do as we read along...let's see if this doesn't cause a couple of you to have a coronary...pull out a '1' dollar bill...lay it face down on your desk, or the table in front of you...you'll notice there are 2 circles a little bigger than a quarter that act as bookends to the word 'ONE'...let's take a look at the left one...with the unfinished pyramid...with the 'all seeing eye'...topping it off...now take a pen...pencil...if ya can't find one I hear Cape Canaveral has a few they aren't using right now...they're a little pricey tho...borrow a crayon from one of the kids...grandkids...modern artists...starting at the top of the eye...draw a line all the way down to the base of the pyramid...go back to the top of the eye...draw a line down the left side of the pyramid...make sure you keep the shadow to the right side of the line you're drawing...now draw a line across the bottom of the pyramid...okay...now go to the bottom of the triangle with the eye in it...draw a line from the bottom of this triangle over to the letter on the right...and do the same over to the letter on the left...now...finish this upside down triangle... which should complete the 6 pointed Star of David...now...look at the letters associated with 5 of the 6 points...if you did this correctly...you should have the letters M-A-S-O-N...now the next thing I am gonna share with you...I found by accident...while trying to look up something completely different... this is pretty out there...I hafta say...this is one of those things that...if it doesn't cause ya to burst a capillary or two...will at least make ya wonder just WTF is going on?!?!?! (and with that folks, I'm going to cut this short and provide you this link http://www.armageddononline.org/911.php so you can take a look for yourself...keep in mind...if you have the different denominations available to you...a keen eye...or a magnifying monocle smaller than the Hubble Telescope...you can see better details!!!)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
03/08/12
After studying it for 47 days. the NY Museum of Modern Art discovered the Matisse painting, Le Bateau was hanging upside down...
For real yo...look...if your primary purpose for being on this planet is to showcase the artistic talents of others...you might not wanna take 47 days to figure out the exhibit you're displaying is in disarray...how do you hang a picture...one the artist hopes will become well liked and render him respect, praise and fame...upside down...seriously...how do you accomplish such a catastrophe...didn't the frame come with hooks...a wire...some sort of hanging apparatus that would signify the correct top...bottom...right...and left of the work it contains...the ones I buy always do...the problem here is the term Modern Art...which encompasses everything...pictures of seagulls pickin' shit outta landfills...an ashtray you dumped your cremated relative in when the urn crashed to the floor...an overflowing...poo filled potty...all forms of Modern Art...it was created for people who have NO artistic talent whatsoever...it's a made up profession for the Crayola Crowd...who couldn't color inside the lines when they were in third grade...I don't know why they didn't just leave the damn thing alone...it's NOT as if anyone but the artist would have realized the mistake...and he's been dead for over 50 years...which brings me to the next question...what's so damn modern about a piece of unintelligible art work from 5+ decades ago...that's NOT very modern in my book...what did they have...a whole 18 colors on the Crayola Chart to choose from back then...it's about as modern as a diesel submarine in a nuclear powered Navy...have ya ever taken a moment to study one of these modern art masterpieces??? They look like an easel ejected enamel all over the canvas before the artist got started...I'm more amazed by the people who seem to ACTUALLY see things in these paintings...they sit and stare at something that looks like a puddle of improper Pictionary procedures for hours and then enlighten the audience with their delicious discoveries...'It's a lady in a sundress misting the flowers in her neighbor's garden from across the backyard fence!'...WHAT??? It looks more like melted wax from the floor of a candle factory...where the hell do you see a lady??? I could walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Art... blindfolded and completely clueless...and I wouldn't miss a thing...hell if I wear tattered clothes... skip a shower for a week...and carry a sign that says...'Will work for Food'...and stand in the corner long enough...impersonating a mannequin...I have a better shot at being misidentified as Modern Art than I do of actually receiving an offer of employment...now I don't claim to be an artist...I couldn't draw water if I had a bucket...but one thing I'm pretty damn sure of is...being able to differentiate between bullshit and beauty...it's really quite simple...if you gaze upon a painting for more than a minute...and the impression the artist intended to illustrate remains ignorantly out of reach...it's bullshit...or Modern Art...if you prefer the politically correct pronunciation...if...on the other hand the artists concept keeps you from considering suicide...you find yourself able to define certain aspects of the artwork...and the detail is simply dazzling...it's beauty...or Actual Art as opposed to that Magic Marker/Sharpie Surprise hanging upside down at the end of the hall...my daughter Stephanie has some serious artistic talent...NO idea where it came from...but here is how I know she has potential...I can SEE what she is trying to convey thru her various mediums of art...I NEVER hafta say...'Oh hunny...that is just...um... er...AWESOME'...without actually meaning it...she really has done some outstanding work...and I implore her to further herself in this field...I wouldn't dream of falsely supporting her endeavors... unlike the parents of these Modern Art progidies...I probably have an above average imagination...and yet were I forced to walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Garbage...I'd burn everything inside and replace it with Wonderful World of Watercolor Works as presented by the Academy for Anti-Artists... why not right??? Everything else that hangs in these hallowed halls looks like the type of stuff one would expect to find on the walls of a room occupied by an overfull offspring's dirty diaper...what a tourist trap for the talentlly challenged that place must be...and to think...had they just had the foresight to stare into the shitter one final time before flushing...they coulda skipped this leg of the excursion and went to see something really entertaining...like wharf walking sewer rats or something...Modern Art...the movement that needs improvement so it doesn't inadvertently cause a less desireable movement...it's like the ex-lax for artists...when the shit just won't come thru...whaddaya do...smear it with shit...then it's time to quit...we've all heard the phrase...'A starving artist'...and NOW you know why...it's damn hard work selling someone on the idea that what you're presenting is the cutting edge of the industry...especially when it looks more like a picture of a clogged Columbian caca catcher...you don't get to be a starving artist if you possess more talent then a ten day old turd...viewing a Modern Art Masterpiece has gotta be like typing...asjhdkihj thiewoij fruh flals jbnvjf...and defining it as an urban slang associated with the English language...it's just a buncha senseless shit NOBODY is EVER gonna understand...that's why they wait until AFTER the artist is deceased to dangle their drawings on otherwise empty walls...it prevents debate over disastrously drawn detail-less dipshit witted works of wonder...I say wonder in the sense of...I wonder WTF that was...go ahead...GOOGLE...Matisse Le Bateau...and you tell me what that is...to me it looks like the reflection of a shark fart...a dorsal fin surrounded by fecal fumigation...it's NO wonder they had it upside down...it's close enough to identical ...regardless of which way it's hung...I wouldn't have given a shit either way...a quote accredited to Matisse states...'Seeing is in itself a creative act which requires effort'...yeah...like the effort to visit a vision center...and the creative act of having them prescribe the right magnitude of optic enhancing eyewear...crafty little bastard...still didn't fool me with well placed words...it's gonna take alot more than some crap covered canvas to change me into a believer of bullshit over beauty!!!
For real yo...look...if your primary purpose for being on this planet is to showcase the artistic talents of others...you might not wanna take 47 days to figure out the exhibit you're displaying is in disarray...how do you hang a picture...one the artist hopes will become well liked and render him respect, praise and fame...upside down...seriously...how do you accomplish such a catastrophe...didn't the frame come with hooks...a wire...some sort of hanging apparatus that would signify the correct top...bottom...right...and left of the work it contains...the ones I buy always do...the problem here is the term Modern Art...which encompasses everything...pictures of seagulls pickin' shit outta landfills...an ashtray you dumped your cremated relative in when the urn crashed to the floor...an overflowing...poo filled potty...all forms of Modern Art...it was created for people who have NO artistic talent whatsoever...it's a made up profession for the Crayola Crowd...who couldn't color inside the lines when they were in third grade...I don't know why they didn't just leave the damn thing alone...it's NOT as if anyone but the artist would have realized the mistake...and he's been dead for over 50 years...which brings me to the next question...what's so damn modern about a piece of unintelligible art work from 5+ decades ago...that's NOT very modern in my book...what did they have...a whole 18 colors on the Crayola Chart to choose from back then...it's about as modern as a diesel submarine in a nuclear powered Navy...have ya ever taken a moment to study one of these modern art masterpieces??? They look like an easel ejected enamel all over the canvas before the artist got started...I'm more amazed by the people who seem to ACTUALLY see things in these paintings...they sit and stare at something that looks like a puddle of improper Pictionary procedures for hours and then enlighten the audience with their delicious discoveries...'It's a lady in a sundress misting the flowers in her neighbor's garden from across the backyard fence!'...WHAT??? It looks more like melted wax from the floor of a candle factory...where the hell do you see a lady??? I could walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Art... blindfolded and completely clueless...and I wouldn't miss a thing...hell if I wear tattered clothes... skip a shower for a week...and carry a sign that says...'Will work for Food'...and stand in the corner long enough...impersonating a mannequin...I have a better shot at being misidentified as Modern Art than I do of actually receiving an offer of employment...now I don't claim to be an artist...I couldn't draw water if I had a bucket...but one thing I'm pretty damn sure of is...being able to differentiate between bullshit and beauty...it's really quite simple...if you gaze upon a painting for more than a minute...and the impression the artist intended to illustrate remains ignorantly out of reach...it's bullshit...or Modern Art...if you prefer the politically correct pronunciation...if...on the other hand the artists concept keeps you from considering suicide...you find yourself able to define certain aspects of the artwork...and the detail is simply dazzling...it's beauty...or Actual Art as opposed to that Magic Marker/Sharpie Surprise hanging upside down at the end of the hall...my daughter Stephanie has some serious artistic talent...NO idea where it came from...but here is how I know she has potential...I can SEE what she is trying to convey thru her various mediums of art...I NEVER hafta say...'Oh hunny...that is just...um... er...AWESOME'...without actually meaning it...she really has done some outstanding work...and I implore her to further herself in this field...I wouldn't dream of falsely supporting her endeavors... unlike the parents of these Modern Art progidies...I probably have an above average imagination...and yet were I forced to walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Garbage...I'd burn everything inside and replace it with Wonderful World of Watercolor Works as presented by the Academy for Anti-Artists... why not right??? Everything else that hangs in these hallowed halls looks like the type of stuff one would expect to find on the walls of a room occupied by an overfull offspring's dirty diaper...what a tourist trap for the talentlly challenged that place must be...and to think...had they just had the foresight to stare into the shitter one final time before flushing...they coulda skipped this leg of the excursion and went to see something really entertaining...like wharf walking sewer rats or something...Modern Art...the movement that needs improvement so it doesn't inadvertently cause a less desireable movement...it's like the ex-lax for artists...when the shit just won't come thru...whaddaya do...smear it with shit...then it's time to quit...we've all heard the phrase...'A starving artist'...and NOW you know why...it's damn hard work selling someone on the idea that what you're presenting is the cutting edge of the industry...especially when it looks more like a picture of a clogged Columbian caca catcher...you don't get to be a starving artist if you possess more talent then a ten day old turd...viewing a Modern Art Masterpiece has gotta be like typing...asjhdkihj thiewoij fruh flals jbnvjf...and defining it as an urban slang associated with the English language...it's just a buncha senseless shit NOBODY is EVER gonna understand...that's why they wait until AFTER the artist is deceased to dangle their drawings on otherwise empty walls...it prevents debate over disastrously drawn detail-less dipshit witted works of wonder...I say wonder in the sense of...I wonder WTF that was...go ahead...GOOGLE...Matisse Le Bateau...and you tell me what that is...to me it looks like the reflection of a shark fart...a dorsal fin surrounded by fecal fumigation...it's NO wonder they had it upside down...it's close enough to identical ...regardless of which way it's hung...I wouldn't have given a shit either way...a quote accredited to Matisse states...'Seeing is in itself a creative act which requires effort'...yeah...like the effort to visit a vision center...and the creative act of having them prescribe the right magnitude of optic enhancing eyewear...crafty little bastard...still didn't fool me with well placed words...it's gonna take alot more than some crap covered canvas to change me into a believer of bullshit over beauty!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)