01/12/12

The best way to tell if you have bad breath is to lick your wrist, let it dry, and then smell it...

Well now...I can think of a few other ways you can tell if you have chronic halitosis...if you fail to brush your teeth on a regular basis...and by regular I mean daily...chances are you possess a horrific orific odor...if people tend to avoid conversation with you...you probably have more than foul language rollin off your tongue...if your daily greeting..."Good Morning"...causes people to run screaming for the nearest desk...hunting for a small trash receptacle to toss their breakfast in...you probably have a tad bit of nasally inflammatory smells emitting from your speech socket...if the gum you're chewing lost it's freshness the moment you began to unwrap it...you might wanna keep your mouth shut around others...if you gargle with Listerine and it feels like you have a mouthful of hydrochloric acid and gas...you probably need to don a hospital mask...if you yell @ your dog and he tries to smell his own ass...you undoubtedly need a tin of certs...if you wake up and it tastes like somebody dragged the neighbors cat's ass across your tongue...you have bad breath...the one thing you don't wanna do is lick your wrist and let it dry just to smell it...Why?...you ask...because if your sorry ass can't spare a few minutes to brush your teeth...I sincerely doubt you're gonna run to the bathroom to wash your wrist...and then the rest of us hafta deal with that malodorous mouth mist you just sprayed all over the base of the hand you're shove in my face all day with things you need help with...The idiot who came up with this smelling spot solution probably keeps their freshly gnawed toenails in a little Altoids tin they found in the trash...I'm almost surprised this hopeless halfwit didn't fess up to their method of determining whether or NOT their toilet paper works as advertised...'The best way to check and see if you've successfully removed all dingleberries and cling-ons is to bend at the waist...grab the back of your head...place firmly between your thighs...spread your suction sealed ass flaps apart...and run your tongue thru the channel...guess what???  If it tastes like shit...you need to invest in a new brand of window shaped ass wipe removal material...good lord the things people come up with...here's an idea...maybe...just maybe...if you have horror filled nightmares of the headless halitosis horseman...perhaps it's time to invest in a convential toothbrush...toss the old hog's hair one in the trash...keep one at home...one at the office...and one in your purse or your car...brush your teeth every time you go to the bathroom and after each meal...chew gum til you've caused Wrigley to go out of business...gargle so often that when you speak to people it sounds like you're under water...douse yourself with enough perfume to be considered offensive...when driving down the road hang your head out the window...mouth open...slobber and drool streaming out behind you like a submarines sonar antennae...at least then you won't look like some kinda Romper Room reject while visibly licking your wrist in public...seriously tho...who the hell does that kinda shit...wrist lickin just to see if their breath smells like sour sweaty socks and shit flavored soup...when I see...or hear things like this I am often overwhelmed with the sensation to stand up...search someone out...and smack the stupid outta them...trouble is there are only 24 hours in a day...and 365 days in a year...I doubt very seriously I'd have enough time to get to all of them individually...which means that the only thing on this planet that is immortal...is ignorance...it has followed the footpath of man...hand in hand...but I guess if there weren't idiots among us my blog entries would read like a stodgy...pipe-smoking...tea and crumpet munchin Englishman...narrating a Shakespearian Sonnet mid coitus...dry and humorless...yes my friends...sad as it is...the world would be a much duller place without the dimwitted drool bucket barons wandering aimlessly through life...sharing their wonderful little WMD's of wisdom...think of all the tragic consequences if our world was completely void of the wizards of window lickin'...and everybody viewed things logically...there wouldn't even be a football team in Detroit...there wouldn't be any towel-headed terrorists left in the Middle East...they'd all have jobs as valets at the world's biggest parking lot...politicians would hafta vote on bills according to what the people they represented wanted...some of you would be unemployed...or at the very least working for an honest employer...as lawyers would have nobody to steal money from...represent...I meant represent...everyone knows liars don't steal...lawyers...I meant lawyers...there wouldn't be any racism and all of our ethnic humor would be forgotten...jokes like..."Whaddya get when you cross a Mexican and a Chinamen?"...the punch line would be..."Somebody named Pablo Wong"...BUAH HA HA HA HA...instead of..."A blind car thief to lazy to drive"...no sir...there'd be NOTHING left to make fun of...I'd end up feelin like Capt. Kirk...stranded on Vulcan surrounded by a buncha Spock's speedy seed swimmers...and I wouldn't have the undying compulsion to choke the ever lovin' shit outta everybody I've ever worked for...and those toenail teething...cinnamon stick sniffin...wrist lickin'...hog's hair halitosians wouldn't have more common sense in their colostomy bags than in their Cracker Jack filled cranial containers!!!  I can't wait to see what's next...Flossing with the fallopian tubes of a female flea-bitten fox prevents gingivitis...Manscaping with molten lava removes pubic hair follicles as well as curing insufferable jock itch...Washing your hair with Whale shit and Walrus waste prevents baldness in Eskimo's and Inuits...you know...if you think you might suffer from a bit of bear shit breath...and you find yourself unable to relate to the things mentioned above...just show up for work tomorrow buck naked...print the words Scratch -N- Sniff across your abdomen...with an arrow directing would be participants to follow the Happy Trail...and I'll give you 100 to 1 odds NOT one single co-worker is gonna notice...let alone care about your awful...ass-tainting...oral hygiene habits...or lack thereof!!!