02/10/12

The loudest snore ever recorded registered 87.5 decibels...

I have NO doubt this holds some truth...in such a way as the individual(s) performing these recordings obviously have NEVER met the members of my family...buncha oxygen depleting...roof shingle shattering human hurricanes anyway...87.5 decibels would be the lower threshhold at our family reunions...you get 5-6 of them together in the same Condo...passed out in different rooms and they can change the temperature in that place in less than an hour...I don't mean to scare anyone...but I'd be willing to bet NOT even a 7 yr old has a chance at seeing a ghost around these slumbering sonic boom submitters...the vacuum they create with their sychronized snorefest saps the air of any electronic waves an apparition could emit...and altho I have been forewarned against making fun of the deceased...I must admit...were my dear departed Gramma Rebec still among us...they'd hafta develop a new method of measurement just to record the earth halting echoes of ear splitting...gargantuan...nocturnal...necromancing noisemakers...to say she could wake the dead was an understatement...wake them...torture them...exorcise them from any house within a hundred mile radius...she's been gone almost a full year...and we still haven't had a ghost sighting in our neck of the woods in over 9 decades...my Mother suffers from this condition too...altho when she scares herself out of a deep sleep with one of her sheet shuffling shenanigans...she all too often wakes those up around her and blames them for the incident...and lemme tell you...there have been a few vacations we've had to share a chamber of unconsciousness...you ever heard a C-130 fire up all of it's engines at once in preparation for a short take-off...picture that being the quiet before the storm...when she lets loose she creates rifts in the time/space continuum...often creating seperate parallel universes...holy crap...you let her fall asleep on your couch for an hour and you won't hafta dust your appliances for at least 5 years...I, myself seldom snore...barely make a peep when I sleep...and yet Momma loves to blame me...ME...of all people...with creating an atmosphere of supersonic tachyon trapping turmoil...ya know our entire family...shirttail cousins included...have been banned from partaking in any overnight outdoor excursions...National Parks...State Parks...even in the confines of our own backyards...it keeps Natural Disasters from occuring...NOT too mention the last time we embarked on a canvas covered camping trip those Sasquatch Seeking Simpletons surrounded us with their latest foray into finding a furbearing forest phantom...if Momma fell asleep beneath a wind turbine for an hour it could power all the lights in Las Vegas for at least 5 years...ya ever wonder why wolves howl at a full moon...Momma fell asleep with her window open...I guess it has it's benefits tho...Momma looks Mah-velous for her age don't she???   You would too if you snored so hard it reversed time while you slept...it's unfortunate we can't find a way to bag...tag...and sell this as some kinda youth enhancing beauty product...Momma's Nasal Noise Nuggets...we could make recordings of them...monopolize the market with mp3's...or audiobook collections on Amazon's Sleep Apnea Series..."The Supersonic Subhumanly Soothing Sounds of She Who Snores"...followed the next year by New York Time's Bestseller List 12 months running..."Symphonic Snoring Soliloquy's of a Slumbering She-Banshee"...or..."The Youthful Yodellings of Yours Truly Yawning Beneath a Yucca Tree"...(a narrative on the nocturnal nasalings necessary to knock ages off your appearance)...holy shit...you'd be more famous than Jimmy Durante...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but you know that thing...out in Arizona...called the Grand Canyon...it wasn't much more than a crack in the earth's crust before we spent a night in New Mexico visiting the Carlsbad Caverns...she may NOT move mountains when she slumbers...but recent scientific study suggests she is the sole source creating solar flares on the sun...ON THE SUN...NEVERMIND the speed of light...NOT even the 'hypothetical' Tachyon beam travels that fast...here's a little heads up for ya...when Momma retires and moves south...I suggest making similar post Michigan plans and get close to the Equator...Global Warming fears will be put to rest the first night she falls asleep in North Carolina...slumbering so hard she'll suck the ice-shelf off Antarctica and implement the next Ice Age...I have a feeling this mild winter we just endured was a direct result of Momma rearranging her bedroom furniture...she's been snortin warm salt air off the Gulf Stream since September...El Nino my ass...VIVA La Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Becca!!!