During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax...
That's odd...I wasn't around during Peter the Great's time...but as far back as I can remember in Russian History...which isn't far...because believe it or not...I think the only thing that saved that country during WWII was...(Ooooh ME...PICK ME...I KNOW THIS ONE)...The USA...and the enormous population they have...which kept them in it long enough for us to draw Hitler's attention away from building strip malls in Siberia...so I hafta admit...I really haven't given a shit about studying Russia's History...I will however say that from what I've seen of them...in those stellar black and white photos in the National Geographic archives...were I Russian...at anytime in it's history...and a lawmaker...I'd be more apt to consider strongly recommending a tax on the women who wore beards...mustaches...unibrows...I mean do you remember Nikita Kruschev...that old lady was as ugly as they come...and she ran the country disguised as a man for how long??? I'm guessin' men with beards during Peter the Greats time...were just trying to fit in with the rest of the population...I mean it would be rather embarassing to be seen walking down the road with your 12 year old bearded daughter... while you're clean shaven and lookin' the fairer of the two...she'll make some beet farmer a nice wife someday...talk about huntin' for Bigfoot in all the wrong places...those idiots on Finding Bigfoot need to make a trip over to this hidden little continent and start DNA testing some of these missing links... good lord...they must bathe like cats...sit around pickin' stuff outta each others fur like a buncha bug infested primates...I mean seriously...how hard can it be...okay...I know...they are still recovering from the effects of hundreds of years under Communist control...but even back then...share a razor...scrub a piece of sandpaper smooth...pluck it with your teeth...do somethin'...ya can't let them run around like that...it's bad for tourism...NOBODY wants to visit a place where the only thing seperating the men from the women is a skirt...because believe me...that ain't attractive neither...you can't paint a purrty picture of hairy female legs...NOT even on a horse...ya know...the Spartans had a cliff they threw their impure infants off of...and an enormous Black Hole surrounded by bricks...that they kicked unwanted or unworthy individuals down...we had Molokai...and now Cuba...where we send individuals we deem unworthy or unwanted by the global society...and we won't even mention who used what in which European countries less than a century ago...and yet the Russians...those brilliant pioneers of pencils in space...let their women run around untaxed and unshaven...I mean the next thing ya know...little Penelope is gonna be starring in a customer service commercial...'Hello...dis is Peggy...how may I 'elp ju?'...bet you'll be one proud papa then...you and the...Mrs...is it??? (Shakes head in acknowledgement)...Good...you and the...eh...eh...Mrs...can go out and celebrate...free Schick Super Squatch Samurai Sharp Seven blade razors for the whole family...a life time of Nair for young Natalie...start using it on her before her 7th birthday and maybe her balls won't drop...whatever you decide...STOP bitching that you're broke if you're gonna keep birthing hairballs...I will say this tho...since the beheading of that bitch...Communism...some sections of the former Soviet Union have embraced sexuality and have charged into the modern era...to say they are without beauty would be untrue...Pamela Anderson is of Russian descent...Mila Kunis...from That '70's Show...also of Russian heritage...so...as you can see...once the 'Iron Curtain' crumpled like the coffee cans it was made from... alot of these women decided come hell or highwater they were going to stand out from the other carpet backed behemoths their ancestry was known for...and they shaved...(according to certain undocumented photographic evidence...it would appear certain individuals from that former Communist Country...consider shaving to be childsplay...and the only hair you'll find on them anywhere is above the eyes...like on top of their heads...the rest is as anatomically barren as a Barbie Doll...or so I've heard)...we need a tax like that here in America...NOT on female facial hair...altho...if you currently have it...don't worry...NOBODY's watching you chew your toenails at lunch either...we need one on stupid people...I don't mean people born with a legitimate learning disability...I mean just plain...fell under the turnip truck which resulted in smarter vegetables falling off of the turnip truck... stoooooo...pid...you know the type...like the ones who decide...right smack dab in the middle of tax season...to UPGRADE their TAX SOFTWARE...(we won't mention any names...but their website is www.irs.gov) ...these people are worse than tyrants like Peter the beard taxing Great...they ought to be included in the phrase...'all enemies foreign and domestic'...I need this organization like i need to suffer an anal wart infected with Elephantitis...what I wouldn't do for a simple beard tax these days...I'd shave down to the skull out of spite...it'd be a helluvalot less hair raising than what we have now!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
03/05/12
During WWII Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs...
Why am I NOT surprised by this??? Because I know the intelligence level required to operate within the parameters of the United States Military...they aren't a group with a million acronyms for no reason...I am, however shocked that this wasn't some sort of clandestine caper which also would have included... Sabotaging and sinking submarines using torpedo toting sea slugs...seriously...bomb dropping bats...how on earth does somebody...who everyone would have a right hoping...with military...war-making...survival skills...with a warrior spirit and the undying will to obtain victory...hatch a hair brain idea like this...who were you plan on figthing...the Oompah Loompahs...maybe Dorothy and the Munchkins...Snow Whites Seven Dwarves...how big of a bomb do ya suppose a bat could carry??? How far do ya think it might fly before falling from the sky with this enormous arsenal strapped to it's body...and how exactly didja figure these little blood suckin' creatures were going to engage a release handle at the appropriate moment to drop the bomb...how do you conceive of an idea like this without answering those few valid questions??? I'll tell ya how...it's called 'bucking for promotion'...and ya know what happens to those whose ideas are obvious failures from the start...they are selected first for the highest positions...they don't wanna hear logical ideas of solving problems...that would go against the grain...can't have stuff like that happening... people might think soldiers can think for themselves...I would have loved to have been around when this littel experiment was being discussed...I woulda solved very simply...with little to no cost to the American taxpayer it was designed to protect...the best way to train a bat to drop a bomb...superglue it's feet to one of the bombs fins...open the bomb bay doors and let them fall...I guarantee each and every one of those bats drops their bombs...at the moment of impact...because that's the only LOGICAL way to solve that situation...far too often our governmental geniuses tend to overthink the simplest of tasks...this tidbit reminds me of something I found recently...'When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To correct the problem, NASA spent $12 billion dollars over a decade to develop a pen that works in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, and almost on any surface, including glass and at temperatures at from below freezing up to 300 degrees celsius...The Russians used a Pencil'...this had to be in play in this person's thought process when assigned to develop new ideas in the field of stealth bomb delivery systems...I wonder how long this program was allowed to suck off funds that woulda been better used hunting down the real E.T. Exposure Law violaters...this...is an example of why our country desperately needs an overhaul folks... taxpayer dollars pay for these illustrious well thought out projects...which adversely affects those assinine assumptions of granduer...like planes...big enough to carry the bombs to their pre determined destination for deployment...I mean seriously...you people came up with a parachute for people...and yet...bats for bombs was your next best bet for ingenuity and invention...I mean...why not try to train armadilloes to launch armory shells...or train legless lizards to detect land mines...I mean what the hell...don't stop at bats for bombs...it seems so incomplete...coming from such a connosieur of carnage...where did this guy get his combat experience...shadow boxing in a dry well at night with no moonlight no doubt...you'd hafta harness several squadrons of bats for each and every bomb...then you'd hafta get your enemy to emit a sound similar to the chosen...bomb bearing bats...food source, in order for this to even have a hope in hell of smelling anything remotely resembling success...you have a better shot of asking them nicely to surrender and stand still for a firing squad...it was probably one of this very individuals inventions that resulted in it taking a decade to find bin Laden...getting the radar detecting raccoons to rummage thru all the rubbish one tin can at a time thru every -istan in the neighborhood was bound to take a little longer than actually using all those elaborately expensive satellites we have in orbit...or is that all just more Hollywood inspired smoke and mirrors...when ya think about it...doesn't it make ya wonder...if only for a moment...how we went from bomb dropping bats...to smart bombs and stealth technology...without a little alien intervention...I mean come on...if this was what our brightest military strategists were considering...either aliens stepped in and said...'Hold up...wait a second...lemme show ya something...in order for you to drop this explosive device at the required location you're going to need something a little more capable of escaping gravity than three airborne battalions of bats...or...we were fortunate enough to have the right kinda idiots in the infantry who knew how to ignore orders from the sinners of stealth technology...and who were prepared to forge all the way thru to China if necessary...otherwise I dare say WWII would've ended decidedly disastrous for our defeated nocturnal knights...whose battle cry would have went down in history as...'Whaddaya mean...Was that Berlin?'...and I would be remiss if I didn't point out that altho my method of training these bats would have worked...it had already been perfected in the Pacific theater by the Kamikaze...on a much larger scale...I doubt very seriously...and after several moments of thoughtless consideration...that bats would have been an effective tool of weaponry...on any level...or on any battlefield ever to have blood shed upon it...and here's why...because enemies who are afraid of bats...aren't going to come out at night...therefore...even if you do train your bats to drop bombs...who are they going to drop them on...sometimes it hurts when ya hafta get all the way down on your belly...crawl under the couch...and suffer bouts of claustrophobia just to get to a level equivalent with the solid grey matter smoldering inside these shit for brains shells of humanity...so you can explain to them in a manner they will comprehend...why this particular notion...doesn't warrant further investigation...I was in the military...and if I am to be honest...it is the enlisted corps in each and every branch that possesses the keenest of minds capable of strategic concepts...for they are the foot soldiers on the front lines...(improvise...adapt...and overcome)...things that cannot be accomplished on the drawing boards of back office blowhards with nothing better to do than envision little winged rats trying to rid themselves of the ridiculous costume they're rigged into while some moron stands there motioning them to...'fly...be free'...does anyone know the name of this idiot of inception??? Nobody??? Come on...I can't believe nobody knows...well don't feel bad...I don't either...and for good reason...we WON that WAR...and NOT one single bat ever made it to Berlin...How bout that...maybe next time you eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a better idea than that!!!
Why am I NOT surprised by this??? Because I know the intelligence level required to operate within the parameters of the United States Military...they aren't a group with a million acronyms for no reason...I am, however shocked that this wasn't some sort of clandestine caper which also would have included... Sabotaging and sinking submarines using torpedo toting sea slugs...seriously...bomb dropping bats...how on earth does somebody...who everyone would have a right hoping...with military...war-making...survival skills...with a warrior spirit and the undying will to obtain victory...hatch a hair brain idea like this...who were you plan on figthing...the Oompah Loompahs...maybe Dorothy and the Munchkins...Snow Whites Seven Dwarves...how big of a bomb do ya suppose a bat could carry??? How far do ya think it might fly before falling from the sky with this enormous arsenal strapped to it's body...and how exactly didja figure these little blood suckin' creatures were going to engage a release handle at the appropriate moment to drop the bomb...how do you conceive of an idea like this without answering those few valid questions??? I'll tell ya how...it's called 'bucking for promotion'...and ya know what happens to those whose ideas are obvious failures from the start...they are selected first for the highest positions...they don't wanna hear logical ideas of solving problems...that would go against the grain...can't have stuff like that happening... people might think soldiers can think for themselves...I would have loved to have been around when this littel experiment was being discussed...I woulda solved very simply...with little to no cost to the American taxpayer it was designed to protect...the best way to train a bat to drop a bomb...superglue it's feet to one of the bombs fins...open the bomb bay doors and let them fall...I guarantee each and every one of those bats drops their bombs...at the moment of impact...because that's the only LOGICAL way to solve that situation...far too often our governmental geniuses tend to overthink the simplest of tasks...this tidbit reminds me of something I found recently...'When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To correct the problem, NASA spent $12 billion dollars over a decade to develop a pen that works in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, and almost on any surface, including glass and at temperatures at from below freezing up to 300 degrees celsius...The Russians used a Pencil'...this had to be in play in this person's thought process when assigned to develop new ideas in the field of stealth bomb delivery systems...I wonder how long this program was allowed to suck off funds that woulda been better used hunting down the real E.T. Exposure Law violaters...this...is an example of why our country desperately needs an overhaul folks... taxpayer dollars pay for these illustrious well thought out projects...which adversely affects those assinine assumptions of granduer...like planes...big enough to carry the bombs to their pre determined destination for deployment...I mean seriously...you people came up with a parachute for people...and yet...bats for bombs was your next best bet for ingenuity and invention...I mean...why not try to train armadilloes to launch armory shells...or train legless lizards to detect land mines...I mean what the hell...don't stop at bats for bombs...it seems so incomplete...coming from such a connosieur of carnage...where did this guy get his combat experience...shadow boxing in a dry well at night with no moonlight no doubt...you'd hafta harness several squadrons of bats for each and every bomb...then you'd hafta get your enemy to emit a sound similar to the chosen...bomb bearing bats...food source, in order for this to even have a hope in hell of smelling anything remotely resembling success...you have a better shot of asking them nicely to surrender and stand still for a firing squad...it was probably one of this very individuals inventions that resulted in it taking a decade to find bin Laden...getting the radar detecting raccoons to rummage thru all the rubbish one tin can at a time thru every -istan in the neighborhood was bound to take a little longer than actually using all those elaborately expensive satellites we have in orbit...or is that all just more Hollywood inspired smoke and mirrors...when ya think about it...doesn't it make ya wonder...if only for a moment...how we went from bomb dropping bats...to smart bombs and stealth technology...without a little alien intervention...I mean come on...if this was what our brightest military strategists were considering...either aliens stepped in and said...'Hold up...wait a second...lemme show ya something...in order for you to drop this explosive device at the required location you're going to need something a little more capable of escaping gravity than three airborne battalions of bats...or...we were fortunate enough to have the right kinda idiots in the infantry who knew how to ignore orders from the sinners of stealth technology...and who were prepared to forge all the way thru to China if necessary...otherwise I dare say WWII would've ended decidedly disastrous for our defeated nocturnal knights...whose battle cry would have went down in history as...'Whaddaya mean...Was that Berlin?'...and I would be remiss if I didn't point out that altho my method of training these bats would have worked...it had already been perfected in the Pacific theater by the Kamikaze...on a much larger scale...I doubt very seriously...and after several moments of thoughtless consideration...that bats would have been an effective tool of weaponry...on any level...or on any battlefield ever to have blood shed upon it...and here's why...because enemies who are afraid of bats...aren't going to come out at night...therefore...even if you do train your bats to drop bombs...who are they going to drop them on...sometimes it hurts when ya hafta get all the way down on your belly...crawl under the couch...and suffer bouts of claustrophobia just to get to a level equivalent with the solid grey matter smoldering inside these shit for brains shells of humanity...so you can explain to them in a manner they will comprehend...why this particular notion...doesn't warrant further investigation...I was in the military...and if I am to be honest...it is the enlisted corps in each and every branch that possesses the keenest of minds capable of strategic concepts...for they are the foot soldiers on the front lines...(improvise...adapt...and overcome)...things that cannot be accomplished on the drawing boards of back office blowhards with nothing better to do than envision little winged rats trying to rid themselves of the ridiculous costume they're rigged into while some moron stands there motioning them to...'fly...be free'...does anyone know the name of this idiot of inception??? Nobody??? Come on...I can't believe nobody knows...well don't feel bad...I don't either...and for good reason...we WON that WAR...and NOT one single bat ever made it to Berlin...How bout that...maybe next time you eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a better idea than that!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
03/02/12
The Human feet perspire half a pint of fluid per day...
Well now...where was this little tidbit when we were discussing those beastly beings who gnaw on their toenails...TAS-TEE!!! I have some serious doubts about the authenticity of this individuals intellect as well...my son's Leather Personnel Carriers seem to indicate the sweat glands of his pedestial protrusions operate on the same principal as a falling skydiver...producing a half a pint per second per second...you can't get within 300 feet of those damn things without gettin' ghillie suited up like some secret sock sniper...if he kicks his shoes off in the kitchen...you'll beg to rub onions in your eyes...just to slow the flow of tears...if you send him out onto the ice during intermission barefoot...he'll Zamboni the surface in 7 seconds flat...that kid is the sole reason I watch Finding Bigfoot...so I can learn how to conceal the scent trail he leaves leading up to my door...because the last thing I want is a surprise televised visit from the BFRO crew in the middle of the night...I leave his shoes on the back porch in the summer...keeps the stray dogs at bay...sometimes vultures circle overhead like they've found a fresh carcass...they always look surprised when they swoop down for a little bite...ever seen a bird with a six foot wingspan try to talon that awful aftertaste outta it's mouth...it's hysterical...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but the damn things produce a green gas that glows in the dark...and that really f**ks with the cat...poor damn thing keeps try to swat at it...eventually he falls over on the floor...and I hafta revive him in an ice bath...but he seems forgiving enough because he keeps goin back for more...I hafta make sure somebody is awake 24/7 at the house so the neighbors don't think we died 3 days ago and report a funny smell...I can't really describe the odor...it's that eye watering...snot runnin...sour hot garbage smell...you know the kind...the minute you come in contact with it you turn into an instant nasal ninja...you invent so many new moves to swat...block...defend and attack whatever it is that's trying to blind you...I took him down to the VFW last weekend for breakfast...one of the WWII vets put on a gas mask and started diggin' a foxhole...I don't know what to do for my poor son's foul feet...I set up selective surgery... thinking amputation might be the answer...the anesthesiologist passed out first...the head nurse fainted...and the surgeon is still in intensive care...that was over a month ago...I tried the cinammon stick trick...but with all the tears and mucus migrating down my face they turned into something resembling pulverized poi...I love the kid to death...but I'll tell ya what...I'm on the verge of segregating the house into 2 sections...you think I'm kidding...dung beetles won't even get close to those things...ya ever seen the Northern Lights...NOTHING compared to the Aurora Matthewolis...I hate to admit it...but his shoes are the sole reason for the Global Warming pandemonium...I just don't wanna embarass the poor little fella by goin public with that insight...put it this way...if I know ahead of time when he is gonna get outta work... I wet a cotton ball with wasabi for each nostril...and shove them up til my eyes cross...it's the only way to keep from starring in my own Cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs commercial...I walked in his room the other day and half his socks were tryin' to commit suicide...a handful were eating holes in themselves...like some sadistic club foot cult...I've tried everything...even dumping a bottle of baby powder into each one...just ended up lookin' like a dormant volcano venting prior to poppin' it's top...went to see a podiatrist last week...that poor bastard ended up projectile puking so violently I think he herniated himself right outta the possibility of procreating...it's terrible...last summer he went swimmin out at the lake...they had to shut down 7 different beaches to clean up the dead fish...and even that smell couldn't stifle the stench emitting from his surviving sock stock...tried to toss out an old pair of his sneakers...Waste Management called...said our garbage man went on strike...there are some scientific benefits however...little Johnny next door...isn't cross-eyed anymore...Hu-Dat Shu...the little Chinese kid can play hide and seek now... Sally started selling seashells stuffed with seal shit as some sorta scent mutilating mollusk alternative for those with sweaty socks...so I guess it hasn't all been for naught...I tried bottling it for future scientific study...it eats thru every known substance to man...except his shoes...and those things pop their own holes like an overboiling pot of pudding...it's like a combination of sulfur and raw sewage...if I could market this magic you could avoid vampires without needing to garnish yourself with garlic...and on that note I'm gonna hafta get outta here...I think I here footsteps falling on the back steps...time for me to tantalize my nasal passages with a pound of elephant poo so I can get to sleep tonight...if you don't hear from me tomorrow I had to resort to shoving my head up a skunks ass and am currently in the process of having it removed...have NO fear I know how to fight fumes with fumes...I'll be fine!!!
Well now...where was this little tidbit when we were discussing those beastly beings who gnaw on their toenails...TAS-TEE!!! I have some serious doubts about the authenticity of this individuals intellect as well...my son's Leather Personnel Carriers seem to indicate the sweat glands of his pedestial protrusions operate on the same principal as a falling skydiver...producing a half a pint per second per second...you can't get within 300 feet of those damn things without gettin' ghillie suited up like some secret sock sniper...if he kicks his shoes off in the kitchen...you'll beg to rub onions in your eyes...just to slow the flow of tears...if you send him out onto the ice during intermission barefoot...he'll Zamboni the surface in 7 seconds flat...that kid is the sole reason I watch Finding Bigfoot...so I can learn how to conceal the scent trail he leaves leading up to my door...because the last thing I want is a surprise televised visit from the BFRO crew in the middle of the night...I leave his shoes on the back porch in the summer...keeps the stray dogs at bay...sometimes vultures circle overhead like they've found a fresh carcass...they always look surprised when they swoop down for a little bite...ever seen a bird with a six foot wingspan try to talon that awful aftertaste outta it's mouth...it's hysterical...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but the damn things produce a green gas that glows in the dark...and that really f**ks with the cat...poor damn thing keeps try to swat at it...eventually he falls over on the floor...and I hafta revive him in an ice bath...but he seems forgiving enough because he keeps goin back for more...I hafta make sure somebody is awake 24/7 at the house so the neighbors don't think we died 3 days ago and report a funny smell...I can't really describe the odor...it's that eye watering...snot runnin...sour hot garbage smell...you know the kind...the minute you come in contact with it you turn into an instant nasal ninja...you invent so many new moves to swat...block...defend and attack whatever it is that's trying to blind you...I took him down to the VFW last weekend for breakfast...one of the WWII vets put on a gas mask and started diggin' a foxhole...I don't know what to do for my poor son's foul feet...I set up selective surgery... thinking amputation might be the answer...the anesthesiologist passed out first...the head nurse fainted...and the surgeon is still in intensive care...that was over a month ago...I tried the cinammon stick trick...but with all the tears and mucus migrating down my face they turned into something resembling pulverized poi...I love the kid to death...but I'll tell ya what...I'm on the verge of segregating the house into 2 sections...you think I'm kidding...dung beetles won't even get close to those things...ya ever seen the Northern Lights...NOTHING compared to the Aurora Matthewolis...I hate to admit it...but his shoes are the sole reason for the Global Warming pandemonium...I just don't wanna embarass the poor little fella by goin public with that insight...put it this way...if I know ahead of time when he is gonna get outta work... I wet a cotton ball with wasabi for each nostril...and shove them up til my eyes cross...it's the only way to keep from starring in my own Cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs commercial...I walked in his room the other day and half his socks were tryin' to commit suicide...a handful were eating holes in themselves...like some sadistic club foot cult...I've tried everything...even dumping a bottle of baby powder into each one...just ended up lookin' like a dormant volcano venting prior to poppin' it's top...went to see a podiatrist last week...that poor bastard ended up projectile puking so violently I think he herniated himself right outta the possibility of procreating...it's terrible...last summer he went swimmin out at the lake...they had to shut down 7 different beaches to clean up the dead fish...and even that smell couldn't stifle the stench emitting from his surviving sock stock...tried to toss out an old pair of his sneakers...Waste Management called...said our garbage man went on strike...there are some scientific benefits however...little Johnny next door...isn't cross-eyed anymore...Hu-Dat Shu...the little Chinese kid can play hide and seek now... Sally started selling seashells stuffed with seal shit as some sorta scent mutilating mollusk alternative for those with sweaty socks...so I guess it hasn't all been for naught...I tried bottling it for future scientific study...it eats thru every known substance to man...except his shoes...and those things pop their own holes like an overboiling pot of pudding...it's like a combination of sulfur and raw sewage...if I could market this magic you could avoid vampires without needing to garnish yourself with garlic...and on that note I'm gonna hafta get outta here...I think I here footsteps falling on the back steps...time for me to tantalize my nasal passages with a pound of elephant poo so I can get to sleep tonight...if you don't hear from me tomorrow I had to resort to shoving my head up a skunks ass and am currently in the process of having it removed...have NO fear I know how to fight fumes with fumes...I'll be fine!!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
03/01/12
Title 14, Sec. 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestials or their vehicles...
Apparently this only applies if you know how to read above the 3rd grade level and don't reside in a state south of the Mason-Dixon line...notice it doesn't stipulate ramifications revolving around abductions and subsequent Bubba-sicle producing anal probing procedures...this is one of those laws that just doesn't make sense...a government that denies any type of alien intervention in human history...finds it necessary to enact a law forbidding the practice of interstellar species interaction...I wonder...did they ever STOP to consider that a life form possessing the intelligence to utilize galaxy gliding space travel...more than likely also has the potential to manufacture machines that possess the awesome power of teleportation...you know...that awesome ability that allows Kirk and the rest of the 'Away Team' to beam about the universe at will...penalties for violating the "Extra-Terrestial Exposure Law" could include imprisonment for up to 1 year...and a $5000.00 fine...NOT too mention being quarantined without a hearing by NASA or it's administrators...proof once again that my theory was right with regards to the Moon Landing mock-up...because if we had touched down on a planet...or hunk of orbiting space junk...everyone in NASA should have been arrested...astronauts included...once a projectile leaves the atmosphere of this planet...it becomes extra-terrestial by definition...operation above and outside the law however...is still reserved for those in positions of power within the U.S. government...what is it they expect an individual to do if they are to encounter a UFO or alien life form...gently but firmly explain...from a predetermined distance...the illegalities involved with such interaction...gonna be kinda hard to get little Gary the Grey to stop poking around in my posterior just because the clusterf**ks in control of my country think it's a bad idea to be taken against my will by a lifeform with far greater intellectual capacity than myself...is there a Help Hotline we can call...and if so why isn't it as popular as 911...and for my own comfort and peace of mind...please enlighten me as to what they intend to do to the offending aliens...will they be locked up at the local PD...how will you enforce a fine upon them...as far as I am aware we haven't yet developed the necessary currency exchange to enable such enforcement of financially mandated fines...maybe they should concentrate on actually enforcing this E.T. Exposure Law...instead of just puttin it on the books...it would sure quiet down the poop-chute probing community in a quick hurry...think I'm jokin'...you try obtaining legal counsel capable of mounting a defense argument that stipulates you were simply devastated by the digital desires of an alien life form...gonna be damn hard explaining to your friends...family..and co-workers how your picture ended up in the paper accompanying a paragraph titled..."UFO occupier gets 'fingered' for $5000.00"...and here's the real kick in the ass...if another life form does visit our big blue marble someday...and we fail to make contact...the future of our advancement as a species relies solely on the stupidity of several civilian sectors within our current goverment...pretty bleak prognosis for us as a people...wouldn't you agree??? Seriously...if I even think I've witnessed an avenue of escape...extra-terrestial or otherwise...I'll be the first one bolting out the door and booking safe passage...because here's the thing...even if they reject me due to being so anally retentive you couldn't ram an unsoaked strand of spaghetti up there with a shoehorn and a sledge hammer...I would project an attitude of arrogance...fear of the unknown would keep these idiots from imprisoning me or imposing a fine...and there's a chance that me being first would ruin it for the rest...10 minutes with me on board and they'd have those assholes in office shovelling Sasquatch shit on the south side of Saturn...this little law...speaks volumes about the illogical intellect sought out by institutions of corruption during the hiring process...apparently one of the examples on the entrance exam for governmental job hunters requires the individual applying to draw an object which resembles a box...because if you can't draw the damn thing you damn sure can't think outside of it...which immediately qualifies you for consideration in the upper echelons of employment opportunities...this type of turdulent thinking is what has been and always will be wrong with this country...and it isn't selectively secluded to the government sector...people desperately need to educate themselves above and beyond what is currently available academically in this country...the common citizen hasn't a clue that half the shit our government is involved in is illegal...either on an individual or international level...we won't even mention their interstellar imprisonment issues...to say I am displeased with the performance of our politicians is an understatement equivalent to saying a constipated elephant has an ingrown hair up it's ass...I abhor this kind of ignorance...especially in individuals who have a direct hand in the progress of our nation as a whole...wanna know when the Senate has the countries best interest at heart...when it's out of session..."A free people ought not only be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government"...George Washington said that...and he helped form the first faction of government on these shores...altho the language of the day was far inferior to what we have today...our forefathers fought for freedom...they didn't impose ill thought out injustice upon the commonwealth or it's citizens...the MISINTERPRETERS are the ones guilty of that...the E.T. Exposure Law was supposedly enacted to protect the civilian citizens of this country...the Federal Government feared that an individual might come in contact with one of our own early space program components...a capsule...a section of seperated rocket...and since this item may have an unknown extra-terrestial bacteria on it...a world wide epidemic was quite possible...they then went on to launch several missions into space...with the foresight to land these returning vessels at sea...in the water...an element deemed absolutely...100%...without a shred of doubt necessary...to maintain life as we know it...the only difference between our government and those it fears is...ours has mastered the art of covertness...we are one of the most restrictive countries claiming freedom...I mean WTF...if we were truly a country that allowed its constituents the affordability of freedom don't you think we should have a say in whether or NOT we wanna be allowed to frollick thru the forest foraging for unfound UFO's??? This law itself provides all the proof necessary that things are NOT what they seem here in the good ol' U.S. of A. It prevents privatization of space travel by individuals who might otherwise have the financial resources to undergo such an excursion...they are absolutely terrified that somebody might have the technological capabilities to advance colonization of other planets...and that given their overall track record we would all vacate this planet in hopes of forging a far better future on a distant frontier...leaving them all behind to find REAL jobs instead of sucking the life out of everyone thru unnecessary and illegal tax policies...I'm sure there are those among you who think I'm just being cute and humorous...far from it...our government fears one thing...and one thing only...the obliteration of the illusion known as control...once they lose it...all bets are off...the history of humanity throughout the ages suggests being a member of a corrupt government institution at the time of it being overthrown...doesn't bode too well for the bastards in question...it's sad really...when the only thing nice you have to say about your 'elected' officials is that they'd look better with their heads in a basket...and if Hollywood has it right...which they all too often do...when it comes to what the future holds when taking into account interstellar species interacting... chances are probably pretty damn good extra-terrestial life has already developed the most feared anomaly faced by the cast of the Enterprise...the Kling-on Cloaking Device...and they are parked outside on the White House lawn as we speak...which can only mean one thing...Class-Action Confinement... round them all up and quarantine them...they made the rule...let them live by it...I'll see everyone of them convicted to the fullest extent of the law in the Court of Kevin's Opinion...I intend to use the same illogical...illegitimate...ignorance they implored in enacting this ill-advised ass wrangling regulation...Guilty by Theory of Invisibility...which states...as I'm writing it now..."If you cannot prove something doesn't exist...it therefore must exist...and since you can't see it...plausible deniability is unacceptable as an argument" (Is that thunder I hear off in the distance...or has there been another THUMPING!)
Apparently this only applies if you know how to read above the 3rd grade level and don't reside in a state south of the Mason-Dixon line...notice it doesn't stipulate ramifications revolving around abductions and subsequent Bubba-sicle producing anal probing procedures...this is one of those laws that just doesn't make sense...a government that denies any type of alien intervention in human history...finds it necessary to enact a law forbidding the practice of interstellar species interaction...I wonder...did they ever STOP to consider that a life form possessing the intelligence to utilize galaxy gliding space travel...more than likely also has the potential to manufacture machines that possess the awesome power of teleportation...you know...that awesome ability that allows Kirk and the rest of the 'Away Team' to beam about the universe at will...penalties for violating the "Extra-Terrestial Exposure Law" could include imprisonment for up to 1 year...and a $5000.00 fine...NOT too mention being quarantined without a hearing by NASA or it's administrators...proof once again that my theory was right with regards to the Moon Landing mock-up...because if we had touched down on a planet...or hunk of orbiting space junk...everyone in NASA should have been arrested...astronauts included...once a projectile leaves the atmosphere of this planet...it becomes extra-terrestial by definition...operation above and outside the law however...is still reserved for those in positions of power within the U.S. government...what is it they expect an individual to do if they are to encounter a UFO or alien life form...gently but firmly explain...from a predetermined distance...the illegalities involved with such interaction...gonna be kinda hard to get little Gary the Grey to stop poking around in my posterior just because the clusterf**ks in control of my country think it's a bad idea to be taken against my will by a lifeform with far greater intellectual capacity than myself...is there a Help Hotline we can call...and if so why isn't it as popular as 911...and for my own comfort and peace of mind...please enlighten me as to what they intend to do to the offending aliens...will they be locked up at the local PD...how will you enforce a fine upon them...as far as I am aware we haven't yet developed the necessary currency exchange to enable such enforcement of financially mandated fines...maybe they should concentrate on actually enforcing this E.T. Exposure Law...instead of just puttin it on the books...it would sure quiet down the poop-chute probing community in a quick hurry...think I'm jokin'...you try obtaining legal counsel capable of mounting a defense argument that stipulates you were simply devastated by the digital desires of an alien life form...gonna be damn hard explaining to your friends...family..and co-workers how your picture ended up in the paper accompanying a paragraph titled..."UFO occupier gets 'fingered' for $5000.00"...and here's the real kick in the ass...if another life form does visit our big blue marble someday...and we fail to make contact...the future of our advancement as a species relies solely on the stupidity of several civilian sectors within our current goverment...pretty bleak prognosis for us as a people...wouldn't you agree??? Seriously...if I even think I've witnessed an avenue of escape...extra-terrestial or otherwise...I'll be the first one bolting out the door and booking safe passage...because here's the thing...even if they reject me due to being so anally retentive you couldn't ram an unsoaked strand of spaghetti up there with a shoehorn and a sledge hammer...I would project an attitude of arrogance...fear of the unknown would keep these idiots from imprisoning me or imposing a fine...and there's a chance that me being first would ruin it for the rest...10 minutes with me on board and they'd have those assholes in office shovelling Sasquatch shit on the south side of Saturn...this little law...speaks volumes about the illogical intellect sought out by institutions of corruption during the hiring process...apparently one of the examples on the entrance exam for governmental job hunters requires the individual applying to draw an object which resembles a box...because if you can't draw the damn thing you damn sure can't think outside of it...which immediately qualifies you for consideration in the upper echelons of employment opportunities...this type of turdulent thinking is what has been and always will be wrong with this country...and it isn't selectively secluded to the government sector...people desperately need to educate themselves above and beyond what is currently available academically in this country...the common citizen hasn't a clue that half the shit our government is involved in is illegal...either on an individual or international level...we won't even mention their interstellar imprisonment issues...to say I am displeased with the performance of our politicians is an understatement equivalent to saying a constipated elephant has an ingrown hair up it's ass...I abhor this kind of ignorance...especially in individuals who have a direct hand in the progress of our nation as a whole...wanna know when the Senate has the countries best interest at heart...when it's out of session..."A free people ought not only be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government"...George Washington said that...and he helped form the first faction of government on these shores...altho the language of the day was far inferior to what we have today...our forefathers fought for freedom...they didn't impose ill thought out injustice upon the commonwealth or it's citizens...the MISINTERPRETERS are the ones guilty of that...the E.T. Exposure Law was supposedly enacted to protect the civilian citizens of this country...the Federal Government feared that an individual might come in contact with one of our own early space program components...a capsule...a section of seperated rocket...and since this item may have an unknown extra-terrestial bacteria on it...a world wide epidemic was quite possible...they then went on to launch several missions into space...with the foresight to land these returning vessels at sea...in the water...an element deemed absolutely...100%...without a shred of doubt necessary...to maintain life as we know it...the only difference between our government and those it fears is...ours has mastered the art of covertness...we are one of the most restrictive countries claiming freedom...I mean WTF...if we were truly a country that allowed its constituents the affordability of freedom don't you think we should have a say in whether or NOT we wanna be allowed to frollick thru the forest foraging for unfound UFO's??? This law itself provides all the proof necessary that things are NOT what they seem here in the good ol' U.S. of A. It prevents privatization of space travel by individuals who might otherwise have the financial resources to undergo such an excursion...they are absolutely terrified that somebody might have the technological capabilities to advance colonization of other planets...and that given their overall track record we would all vacate this planet in hopes of forging a far better future on a distant frontier...leaving them all behind to find REAL jobs instead of sucking the life out of everyone thru unnecessary and illegal tax policies...I'm sure there are those among you who think I'm just being cute and humorous...far from it...our government fears one thing...and one thing only...the obliteration of the illusion known as control...once they lose it...all bets are off...the history of humanity throughout the ages suggests being a member of a corrupt government institution at the time of it being overthrown...doesn't bode too well for the bastards in question...it's sad really...when the only thing nice you have to say about your 'elected' officials is that they'd look better with their heads in a basket...and if Hollywood has it right...which they all too often do...when it comes to what the future holds when taking into account interstellar species interacting... chances are probably pretty damn good extra-terrestial life has already developed the most feared anomaly faced by the cast of the Enterprise...the Kling-on Cloaking Device...and they are parked outside on the White House lawn as we speak...which can only mean one thing...Class-Action Confinement... round them all up and quarantine them...they made the rule...let them live by it...I'll see everyone of them convicted to the fullest extent of the law in the Court of Kevin's Opinion...I intend to use the same illogical...illegitimate...ignorance they implored in enacting this ill-advised ass wrangling regulation...Guilty by Theory of Invisibility...which states...as I'm writing it now..."If you cannot prove something doesn't exist...it therefore must exist...and since you can't see it...plausible deniability is unacceptable as an argument" (Is that thunder I hear off in the distance...or has there been another THUMPING!)
02/29/12
The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs...
Really??? I see we have a new candidate for carryin' their common sense around in a colostomy bag...let's see what happens when I activate my new Idiot Indicator...>>>...nope NOT over there...<<<...nope NOT over that way either...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...oh look...there they are...I hate to be the only one capable of pointing out the facts disputing this claim...but alas...if NOT for me...then who??? What...pray tell...dear author of the assinine assumptions...constitutes an 'average' person...in terms of eligibility for cremation consideration...far too often people of this mindwarping magnitude misrepresent procedural processes when pontificating their pointless attempts to further educate those they consider intellectually inferior...one simple word discredits this dipshits theory on alloted weight measurements associated with ash following containment in the crematorium...CASKETS...those lovely little things made out of WOOD...and what does wood create when subjected to the properties of fire??? ASH...that's right...don't be shy...(extra credit for those who participate...and by the looks of it...there should be so many hands flailing around in the air...I start believing humans can fly)...the bones that are left behind are ground into a powder...let's call it...NOTASH...it is then mixed with the 'ash' and offered in an urn...it is this NOTASH that provides most of the weight one receives as a remembrance...I've often marvelled at the complexities of the human race and the rituals it incorporates into daily life...or afterlife if you will...for instance...Why is it that we feel compelled to keep our dead close at hand??? When you stop for a second to consider funeral proceedings...or cremation processes...they don't make a damn bit of sense when compared to what we do while we are alive...What do we do...on a daily basis...when we are thru with things...when they no longer serve a functional purpose??? We throw them away...or we recycle them...don't we??? (I know what some of you are thinking...'Well we can't just go throwin' dead bodies into garbage cans'...and right you would be...it would scare the hell outta the neighbors)...but seriously...we bury or burn our deceased...and then for some reason...unbeknownst to me...we find it necessary to physically visit the site of our dear departed in order to converse with them...altho all relative scientific studies support the notion...they can NO longer hear us...answer us...or interact with us...I find this to be the one area human evolution has NOT progressed in...it is an ancient archaic method of morbid rememberance...that has been catalogued throughout our history...I think it's about time to change some of these practices...bring them up to speed with the century we find ourselves wading thru...I don't wanna be buried in some hole six feet deep...NOR do I wish to be cremated...my own personal preference is to be STUFFED...that's right...and NOT just stuffed...seperated and stuffed...and then sewn back together...that way you can pick a new pose on a daily basis...have some fun with it...stand me in the cereal aisle of the local grocery store...dress me up as the guy on the LIFE cereal box...hang a sign around my neck...'LIFE...you can't get to where I am without it'...maybe NOT the best advertising slogan...but HEY it's a new system...bound to hit a few snags here and there...I think it would be entertaining to say the least...what with the technology we have today...you could retrofit my corpse with a squawkbox where my sphincter used to be...complete with some of my all time favorite phrases...that way every time some simple minded...stud muffin of stupidity...finds it necessary to open their garbage spewing gullet...and spit forth half thought out ideas that signify their undying ineptitude...you just sit them in a chair directly in front of me...lift my left leg...and out will fly funny shit faster than a fart in a funnel cloud...you know...there's a hunting season for everything but Ignorant Individuals...and after witnessing the other life forms in the animal kingdom...I hafta ask...WHY IS THAT??? Every other species in the known universe...rids itself of the idiots among them...either by Selective Survival methods...or just Absolute Abandonment...the slow ones get left behind for somethin' elses supper...now I'm not suggesting we go cannibal on the kids who can't keep up in the common sense category...but for f**ks sake...we don't hafta keep supporting them...draggin' them along thru life...do we??? I mean how hard can it be...send them to the store...change the locks...shut the door...quick...clean...simple...and safe...I have an idea on how we can quiet down all the Global Warming goombahs...lemme design windmills that slap the shit outta stupid people...get enough of these things in operation and they'll cool the Earth's crust so quickly we'll all be living in igloos by 2020...Einstein once proposed that humans as a race...utilize 20% of the brains capabilities individually...and I have NO doubt he was right...GENIUS...HELLO...however even someone with the genius level of logical thinking one often attributes to Mr. Einstein...he too was capable of incorrect calculations...now if we take Einstein as an example of an individual who operates at full functional capacity...thereby taking every advantage of the entire 20% currently available to us intellectually...it stands to reason that there are those among us who function at a level less than 20%...myself included...I'm guessin' right around the15-17%...wouldn't it stand to reason my counterpart in the collective conscience operates at the outstanding average of 3-5%??? I have a theory of my own...wanna hear it??? I thought you might...so here it goes...1 out of 5 people operates at or above 10%...that means...(the 'ash'hole author of errant arithmetic surrounding the subject of NOTASH included)...4 out of 5 people should probably use eye protection when eating with a fork!!!
Really??? I see we have a new candidate for carryin' their common sense around in a colostomy bag...let's see what happens when I activate my new Idiot Indicator...>>>...nope NOT over there...<<<...nope NOT over that way either...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...oh look...there they are...I hate to be the only one capable of pointing out the facts disputing this claim...but alas...if NOT for me...then who??? What...pray tell...dear author of the assinine assumptions...constitutes an 'average' person...in terms of eligibility for cremation consideration...far too often people of this mindwarping magnitude misrepresent procedural processes when pontificating their pointless attempts to further educate those they consider intellectually inferior...one simple word discredits this dipshits theory on alloted weight measurements associated with ash following containment in the crematorium...CASKETS...those lovely little things made out of WOOD...and what does wood create when subjected to the properties of fire??? ASH...that's right...don't be shy...(extra credit for those who participate...and by the looks of it...there should be so many hands flailing around in the air...I start believing humans can fly)...the bones that are left behind are ground into a powder...let's call it...NOTASH...it is then mixed with the 'ash' and offered in an urn...it is this NOTASH that provides most of the weight one receives as a remembrance...I've often marvelled at the complexities of the human race and the rituals it incorporates into daily life...or afterlife if you will...for instance...Why is it that we feel compelled to keep our dead close at hand??? When you stop for a second to consider funeral proceedings...or cremation processes...they don't make a damn bit of sense when compared to what we do while we are alive...What do we do...on a daily basis...when we are thru with things...when they no longer serve a functional purpose??? We throw them away...or we recycle them...don't we??? (I know what some of you are thinking...'Well we can't just go throwin' dead bodies into garbage cans'...and right you would be...it would scare the hell outta the neighbors)...but seriously...we bury or burn our deceased...and then for some reason...unbeknownst to me...we find it necessary to physically visit the site of our dear departed in order to converse with them...altho all relative scientific studies support the notion...they can NO longer hear us...answer us...or interact with us...I find this to be the one area human evolution has NOT progressed in...it is an ancient archaic method of morbid rememberance...that has been catalogued throughout our history...I think it's about time to change some of these practices...bring them up to speed with the century we find ourselves wading thru...I don't wanna be buried in some hole six feet deep...NOR do I wish to be cremated...my own personal preference is to be STUFFED...that's right...and NOT just stuffed...seperated and stuffed...and then sewn back together...that way you can pick a new pose on a daily basis...have some fun with it...stand me in the cereal aisle of the local grocery store...dress me up as the guy on the LIFE cereal box...hang a sign around my neck...'LIFE...you can't get to where I am without it'...maybe NOT the best advertising slogan...but HEY it's a new system...bound to hit a few snags here and there...I think it would be entertaining to say the least...what with the technology we have today...you could retrofit my corpse with a squawkbox where my sphincter used to be...complete with some of my all time favorite phrases...that way every time some simple minded...stud muffin of stupidity...finds it necessary to open their garbage spewing gullet...and spit forth half thought out ideas that signify their undying ineptitude...you just sit them in a chair directly in front of me...lift my left leg...and out will fly funny shit faster than a fart in a funnel cloud...you know...there's a hunting season for everything but Ignorant Individuals...and after witnessing the other life forms in the animal kingdom...I hafta ask...WHY IS THAT??? Every other species in the known universe...rids itself of the idiots among them...either by Selective Survival methods...or just Absolute Abandonment...the slow ones get left behind for somethin' elses supper...now I'm not suggesting we go cannibal on the kids who can't keep up in the common sense category...but for f**ks sake...we don't hafta keep supporting them...draggin' them along thru life...do we??? I mean how hard can it be...send them to the store...change the locks...shut the door...quick...clean...simple...and safe...I have an idea on how we can quiet down all the Global Warming goombahs...lemme design windmills that slap the shit outta stupid people...get enough of these things in operation and they'll cool the Earth's crust so quickly we'll all be living in igloos by 2020...Einstein once proposed that humans as a race...utilize 20% of the brains capabilities individually...and I have NO doubt he was right...GENIUS...HELLO...however even someone with the genius level of logical thinking one often attributes to Mr. Einstein...he too was capable of incorrect calculations...now if we take Einstein as an example of an individual who operates at full functional capacity...thereby taking every advantage of the entire 20% currently available to us intellectually...it stands to reason that there are those among us who function at a level less than 20%...myself included...I'm guessin' right around the15-17%...wouldn't it stand to reason my counterpart in the collective conscience operates at the outstanding average of 3-5%??? I have a theory of my own...wanna hear it??? I thought you might...so here it goes...1 out of 5 people operates at or above 10%...that means...(the 'ash'hole author of errant arithmetic surrounding the subject of NOTASH included)...4 out of 5 people should probably use eye protection when eating with a fork!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
02/28/12
Personal Hygiene in the 1800's left much room for improvement. Women would spread bees wax their acne to hide it. If you stared too long you were told to 'mind your own bees wax'...
Idk about the 1800's but personal hygiene of the 2000's leaves much room for improvement too...ever been to Wal-Mart on a lazy afternoon...bees wax would be a blessing in disguise...you seldom hafta get more than 5 feet inside the store before you witness someone who hasn't seen water since their ancestors came over on a boat...it's enough to make you wanna rewrite nursery rhymes..."Wash...Wash...Wash your ass...blast it with hot steam...Hurry...Hurry...Hurry...wash your clothes down by the stream"...some of these crusty assed creatures appear stuck in the 1800's where owning a mirror was a luxury...if you leave your house wearing clothes you couldn't fit in 20 years and 75 lbs ago...a mirror is NO longer a luxury...it should be the first thing you place in your cart when you venture out on your next shopping spree...that or invest in enough bees wax to step out lookin' like a walking booger billboard advertisement for Kleenex...I don't know about the rest of ya...but personally I'd rather see the ladies from 'Little House on the Prarie' parading around in plain jane dresses than to constantly be subjected to some of the sad excuses for the advancement of spandex in humanity that wander the aisles of Wally World...seriously...if you leave the house wearing a thong so small it looks like a Hippo destroying dental floss...perhaps a barrel of Burt's Bees Wax wouldn't be such a bad idea...if you open your dresser drawer and decide to don that pair of spandex that makes you look like a balloon about to burst...do us all a favor...bundle up in a blanket and advertise yourself as a Retro Roman...if you haven't the time to invest in fixin up those lovely locks atop your head...wear a hat...don't bounce up and down the walkways lookin' like Yolanda the Yeti on a bad hair day...if your make-up looks like it was applied using watercolors and waffle mix...don't worry about wearing bees wax...your acne has already been misidentified as measles...if you find yourself standing at the cosmetics counter waiting for service...it's NOT because they're too busy to bother...it's because their sense of sight and smell have systematically shut down due to the offensive presence of your persona...if you look like the last bath you had was taken in a tub of butter... NEWSFLASH...'You're flexy and you show it'...if Mimi...from the Drew Carey show is your idol for aesthetic appearance...stay inside your tin can coated castle...because NOTHING says...White Trailer Trash Temptress...like your scabbies scarin'...green gummed...dirty dreadlock sportin'...stretchin' the limits of spandex...super model mutilating meat bag...prancing around like you're the epitome of pretty... NOW I'll admit...I myself have ventured forth into the land of laziness a time or two...when it comes to wearing inappropriate apparel outside the abode...but NEVER have I made one of these escapades fostering the illusion I was embarking on some sort of trend setting exercise...my biggest sin is wearing pajama pants in public on occassion...but here's the thing...they NEVER present my package in such a manner as to make others pray for puking as some sort of pennance...listen...it's really very simple...if you aren't famous on at least 4 continents...yet walking out of your house usually results in photo flashes popping off like panties at a nudist colony...there is a better than average chance you're gonna end up the centerfold of that colorful compilation...'Calamity Queens of Catastrophe'...there's a huge difference between colostomy bags and your compact case...one makes shit look more presentable...and one is hidden in the deepest recesses of your dufflebag full of dumbass ideas...here's another hint...if you're kids don't show up after school until the sun goes down...chances are they suffer from Coulrophobia... life's hard enough trying to pass P.E....let alone explaining the perplexities involved with how one of your parents performs puppet shows dressed up like Pennywise...holy clayface catwoman...if you hafta chisel chunks off your choppers with a jackhammer...if you go to a sushi bar and the shellfish swim away...if opening your mouth manufactures a mixture of methane and mustard gas...if your Sunday attire looks like something you'd see looking thru a kaliedescope on crack...or if your smile looks like a paper shredder and a salad shooter had sex...personal hygiene isn't in the appropriate place on your priority list...times change...as do relative sayings...what used to be...'Mind your own bees wax'...has been replaced with... 'What in the blue f**k was that?!?' Don't be the posterchild for progidies of pessimism over pro-choice!!!
Idk about the 1800's but personal hygiene of the 2000's leaves much room for improvement too...ever been to Wal-Mart on a lazy afternoon...bees wax would be a blessing in disguise...you seldom hafta get more than 5 feet inside the store before you witness someone who hasn't seen water since their ancestors came over on a boat...it's enough to make you wanna rewrite nursery rhymes..."Wash...Wash...Wash your ass...blast it with hot steam...Hurry...Hurry...Hurry...wash your clothes down by the stream"...some of these crusty assed creatures appear stuck in the 1800's where owning a mirror was a luxury...if you leave your house wearing clothes you couldn't fit in 20 years and 75 lbs ago...a mirror is NO longer a luxury...it should be the first thing you place in your cart when you venture out on your next shopping spree...that or invest in enough bees wax to step out lookin' like a walking booger billboard advertisement for Kleenex...I don't know about the rest of ya...but personally I'd rather see the ladies from 'Little House on the Prarie' parading around in plain jane dresses than to constantly be subjected to some of the sad excuses for the advancement of spandex in humanity that wander the aisles of Wally World...seriously...if you leave the house wearing a thong so small it looks like a Hippo destroying dental floss...perhaps a barrel of Burt's Bees Wax wouldn't be such a bad idea...if you open your dresser drawer and decide to don that pair of spandex that makes you look like a balloon about to burst...do us all a favor...bundle up in a blanket and advertise yourself as a Retro Roman...if you haven't the time to invest in fixin up those lovely locks atop your head...wear a hat...don't bounce up and down the walkways lookin' like Yolanda the Yeti on a bad hair day...if your make-up looks like it was applied using watercolors and waffle mix...don't worry about wearing bees wax...your acne has already been misidentified as measles...if you find yourself standing at the cosmetics counter waiting for service...it's NOT because they're too busy to bother...it's because their sense of sight and smell have systematically shut down due to the offensive presence of your persona...if you look like the last bath you had was taken in a tub of butter... NEWSFLASH...'You're flexy and you show it'...if Mimi...from the Drew Carey show is your idol for aesthetic appearance...stay inside your tin can coated castle...because NOTHING says...White Trailer Trash Temptress...like your scabbies scarin'...green gummed...dirty dreadlock sportin'...stretchin' the limits of spandex...super model mutilating meat bag...prancing around like you're the epitome of pretty... NOW I'll admit...I myself have ventured forth into the land of laziness a time or two...when it comes to wearing inappropriate apparel outside the abode...but NEVER have I made one of these escapades fostering the illusion I was embarking on some sort of trend setting exercise...my biggest sin is wearing pajama pants in public on occassion...but here's the thing...they NEVER present my package in such a manner as to make others pray for puking as some sort of pennance...listen...it's really very simple...if you aren't famous on at least 4 continents...yet walking out of your house usually results in photo flashes popping off like panties at a nudist colony...there is a better than average chance you're gonna end up the centerfold of that colorful compilation...'Calamity Queens of Catastrophe'...there's a huge difference between colostomy bags and your compact case...one makes shit look more presentable...and one is hidden in the deepest recesses of your dufflebag full of dumbass ideas...here's another hint...if you're kids don't show up after school until the sun goes down...chances are they suffer from Coulrophobia... life's hard enough trying to pass P.E....let alone explaining the perplexities involved with how one of your parents performs puppet shows dressed up like Pennywise...holy clayface catwoman...if you hafta chisel chunks off your choppers with a jackhammer...if you go to a sushi bar and the shellfish swim away...if opening your mouth manufactures a mixture of methane and mustard gas...if your Sunday attire looks like something you'd see looking thru a kaliedescope on crack...or if your smile looks like a paper shredder and a salad shooter had sex...personal hygiene isn't in the appropriate place on your priority list...times change...as do relative sayings...what used to be...'Mind your own bees wax'...has been replaced with... 'What in the blue f**k was that?!?' Don't be the posterchild for progidies of pessimism over pro-choice!!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
02/27/12
On a canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag...
WOW...yet again...we find ourselves in the company of 'El Capitan Caca de la Cabeza'...google a pic of the Canadian two dollar bill...and yeah I can see how somebody might make the mistake of misidentifying the flag flying over the Parliament building as an American flag...all one needs do is a little research...for the love of morons everywhere...learn how to properly utilize the tecchnology available to you...dipshit...it's as close to being the American flag as your skid mark coated under garments...have you got any idea how absolutely disheartening proving this tidbit is for me??? Here I am trying to pawn off states we NO longer need to our friends to the North and some simpleton of symbolism hasta go and make an assinine remark like this...I mean seriously...you don't even need google...all it takes is enough common sense to fill one of those paper Daisy Cups we all became familiar with in the bathrooms of our parents...ask yourself...WHY would an American flag fly over a government building of a country we have NEVER owned or occupied...the answer is OH SO obvious...IT wouldn't...I weep for the future of the American Education system and those who buy into it...you know what prevents me from spouting off unsupported regurgitations of ridiculousness??? I take too much pride in my family to embarass them with ignorance...this persons parents have a bumper sticker that says..."My child is an honor student of stupidity!"...and how proud they must be...raising a rugrat with the IQ a proctologist could count on one finger...this is why I support states with pro choice programs...it keep the number of coat-hanger haloed heathens to a minimum...ya know...we had kids like this when I was in school...we didn't haze them...or bully them...we just waited for them to graduate so we could say we knew someone who could get us free fries at McDonalds...and the problem isn't just with the education system...I blame the parents as well...for NOT doing enough to protect the rest of us from being subjected to this kinda shit-for-brains mentality...if you're gonna lock little Johnny in the closet for 18 years...don't set them free on society...just pack your things and move...leave them there...with any luck the house will be condemned and demolished...ridding the world of the next Stupor Sleuth...where the hell do these people come from...I mean for f**k's sake...I have a broken watch that's right twice a day...ya may NOT be able to fix stupid...but you can damn sure buy a leash and keep it from roaming the streets unsupervised...I call these people my Dimple Domed Delinquents...because that's what you get when you opt for a plastic coat hanger as opposed to one made out of metal...again...a problem associated with improper planning of avoiding parenthood...ya know...making statements like this individual did...immediately eliminates you from the possibility of playing professional Pictionary...(EHHHNNN!!! Wrong Answer...it's a vertical line...NOT your family tree)...unless this is an answer to that ever popular family game...'What I don't know about..."Trivia"'...then somebody is in dire need of an optical operation...this guy is one shitty idea away from earning an honorary degree in scatology...ya know...maybe it's just me...but when my kids say something that stupid...I don't just shake my head and wonder when they'll venture out into the vast wastelands of America unprepared...we have a discussion...that usually involves an idea I'm pretty sure the inventors of the internet had in mind when they started launching search sites...GOOGLE...it's NOT just a spell checker...because the last thing I wanna do is prove that the technology available today is only as good as the dumbass misusing it...now don't get me wrong...I don't proclaim to be the all knowing guru of gadgetry...but I'm pretty sure I know how to take the necessary steps to research what I need to know before I fumble thru something only to find myself the funny f**kin' format for someone elses blog...because by that time resistance is futile...I only wish the authors weren't anonymous...I can only imagine the conversations one could have with these anti-tachyon truth tellers...makes me curious what kinda debate I could have with someone who thinks at the speed of dark...would I be able to keep my edge...because if they can't see what their next idea is going to be...how can I possibly have the foresight to prepare myself mentally...it would be like talking to a schizophrenic with ADHD...(like listening to Dubya speak...in other words)...for 8 years I felt like I failed first grade English...I had to pull up Google translate...specify 'Idiot' to "English' parameters...and try to type words I NEVER knew existed into the damn thing just to have some sort of hidden clue as to what he was saying...it wasn't until just this year...after getting my new Droid Razr and upgrading the OS on it did Translate finally spit out the meaning of WMD so that I could understand them...(WhatchaMaDinghies-[D] for Dubya-ism...since it's neither a noun...verb...conjunction...injunction...compunction...but a dysfuntion entirely...it means literally...'Shit I made up down at the ranch in Texas because I cain't read them damn detailed reports about who was actually at fault for causing those buildings to fall')...people like this author...and certain past Presidents... should be legally held accountable for violating one of Life's Lessons...'Better to remain SILENT and appear STUPID...than to open one's mouth and REMOVE all DOUBT!!!'
WOW...yet again...we find ourselves in the company of 'El Capitan Caca de la Cabeza'...google a pic of the Canadian two dollar bill...and yeah I can see how somebody might make the mistake of misidentifying the flag flying over the Parliament building as an American flag...all one needs do is a little research...for the love of morons everywhere...learn how to properly utilize the tecchnology available to you...dipshit...it's as close to being the American flag as your skid mark coated under garments...have you got any idea how absolutely disheartening proving this tidbit is for me??? Here I am trying to pawn off states we NO longer need to our friends to the North and some simpleton of symbolism hasta go and make an assinine remark like this...I mean seriously...you don't even need google...all it takes is enough common sense to fill one of those paper Daisy Cups we all became familiar with in the bathrooms of our parents...ask yourself...WHY would an American flag fly over a government building of a country we have NEVER owned or occupied...the answer is OH SO obvious...IT wouldn't...I weep for the future of the American Education system and those who buy into it...you know what prevents me from spouting off unsupported regurgitations of ridiculousness??? I take too much pride in my family to embarass them with ignorance...this persons parents have a bumper sticker that says..."My child is an honor student of stupidity!"...and how proud they must be...raising a rugrat with the IQ a proctologist could count on one finger...this is why I support states with pro choice programs...it keep the number of coat-hanger haloed heathens to a minimum...ya know...we had kids like this when I was in school...we didn't haze them...or bully them...we just waited for them to graduate so we could say we knew someone who could get us free fries at McDonalds...and the problem isn't just with the education system...I blame the parents as well...for NOT doing enough to protect the rest of us from being subjected to this kinda shit-for-brains mentality...if you're gonna lock little Johnny in the closet for 18 years...don't set them free on society...just pack your things and move...leave them there...with any luck the house will be condemned and demolished...ridding the world of the next Stupor Sleuth...where the hell do these people come from...I mean for f**k's sake...I have a broken watch that's right twice a day...ya may NOT be able to fix stupid...but you can damn sure buy a leash and keep it from roaming the streets unsupervised...I call these people my Dimple Domed Delinquents...because that's what you get when you opt for a plastic coat hanger as opposed to one made out of metal...again...a problem associated with improper planning of avoiding parenthood...ya know...making statements like this individual did...immediately eliminates you from the possibility of playing professional Pictionary...(EHHHNNN!!! Wrong Answer...it's a vertical line...NOT your family tree)...unless this is an answer to that ever popular family game...'What I don't know about..."Trivia"'...then somebody is in dire need of an optical operation...this guy is one shitty idea away from earning an honorary degree in scatology...ya know...maybe it's just me...but when my kids say something that stupid...I don't just shake my head and wonder when they'll venture out into the vast wastelands of America unprepared...we have a discussion...that usually involves an idea I'm pretty sure the inventors of the internet had in mind when they started launching search sites...GOOGLE...it's NOT just a spell checker...because the last thing I wanna do is prove that the technology available today is only as good as the dumbass misusing it...now don't get me wrong...I don't proclaim to be the all knowing guru of gadgetry...but I'm pretty sure I know how to take the necessary steps to research what I need to know before I fumble thru something only to find myself the funny f**kin' format for someone elses blog...because by that time resistance is futile...I only wish the authors weren't anonymous...I can only imagine the conversations one could have with these anti-tachyon truth tellers...makes me curious what kinda debate I could have with someone who thinks at the speed of dark...would I be able to keep my edge...because if they can't see what their next idea is going to be...how can I possibly have the foresight to prepare myself mentally...it would be like talking to a schizophrenic with ADHD...(like listening to Dubya speak...in other words)...for 8 years I felt like I failed first grade English...I had to pull up Google translate...specify 'Idiot' to "English' parameters...and try to type words I NEVER knew existed into the damn thing just to have some sort of hidden clue as to what he was saying...it wasn't until just this year...after getting my new Droid Razr and upgrading the OS on it did Translate finally spit out the meaning of WMD so that I could understand them...(WhatchaMaDinghies-[D] for Dubya-ism...since it's neither a noun...verb...conjunction...injunction...compunction...but a dysfuntion entirely...it means literally...'Shit I made up down at the ranch in Texas because I cain't read them damn detailed reports about who was actually at fault for causing those buildings to fall')...people like this author...and certain past Presidents... should be legally held accountable for violating one of Life's Lessons...'Better to remain SILENT and appear STUPID...than to open one's mouth and REMOVE all DOUBT!!!'
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