The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the zoo...
Ya know...due to certain daily tidbit lore that is provided by Momma from who knows how many different websites...I have had to become more familiar with WWII history than I'd like to...on occasion it takes a couple moments of extensive research to afford myself the knowledge of all pertinent information...this is NOT one of those times...but I just thought I'd point that out...lol...this sentence at first glance...might give the American reader moment to pause...notice I said American reader there...remember that for it may come into play later in the story...isn't this fun...each one of these is like a little roller coaster ride thru my own warped way of looking at things...and you are all the crash test dummies...hey that's what you are when you don't have to buy a ticket to enjoy the show...so shut up or I'll make it go faster...NOW...where were we...Oh yes...might give the American reader moment to pause...wondering...how in the hell did we drop our first bomb on the zoo...who was the idiot flying that plane...and what did he think all those animals in the bomb sight thing-a-ma-jig were...some sorta Nazi experiment gone wrong...(didn't we cover that yesterday???) Didn't I say shut up...but here's where the American reader needs to pay attention to exactly what the tidbit tells us...for we've covered these waste of space whine asses a time or two already...and in recent blog post to I might add...the FIRST bomb dropped by the ALLIES...is the clue that eludes to the truth of the matter...WE...the U.S. of A....weren't members of the ALLIES when the FIRST bomb was dropped...therefore it had to be a British pilot who committed this beautiful display of errant bomb dropping bravado...because it couldn't have been the French...the only thing those wannabe saved by real soldier Samaritans were capable of flying was a white flag...which doesn't require much of a pilot...and doesn't have the dimensional capabilities nor structural strength to carry and deliver bombs...SO...now we've narrowed down the...'who'...part of the equation...but what is the...WHY??? Well the 'why' would involve another toast eating tea breaker...Winston Churchill...who mistakenly ordered this bomb to be dropped...thinking it would end the war rather quickly...saving thousands of lives and giving Great Britain an enormous amount of face on the international scene...thank god that plan failed...can you imagine where we would be with those stodgy old bastards playing World Police... ... ... ... ... ...WOW...that was scary...okay I'm back...(I know some of you are anxious to know what would cause Winston Churchill to concoct such an ill conceived war plan...and can't wait to get back to work and into the weekend...so I'll try and keep this short)...British Intelligence of the period was much like American Intelligence during the Double Dubya Era...(completely ignorant of any useful information...and yet...quite capable of passing erroneous information all the way up the Chain of Command)...anyway...British loving subversives in the German hierarchy sent message thru back channels to London with this message..."Hitler is an arrogant ass...what can Berlin do?"...by the time it had been passed form enough German mouths to British ears...and carried to the desk of Mr. Winston Churchill it had erroneously been translated to read..."Hitler is an elephants ass...working at the Berlin zoo!"...and that my friends is how I like to think that little piece of history unfolded...I know...completely off the wall and extremely far fetched...worthy of Hollywood consideration is what you're sayin' then...(ya know...it's times like these I like to sing myself a little song...'Isn't-he-love-ly...isn't-he-WON-DER-FUL???)...LMAO...have a GREAT WEEKEND!!!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
03/22/12
Shock treatment therapy for epilepsy was once administered by electric catfish...
Well thank god I wasn't born an electric catfish...those epileptic can be a scary bunch...I couldn't imagine some idiot with a PHD attempting to attach me to one of these happy go lucky wall bangers while they're in the middle of having a fit...I'd probably shit myself stupid...I have an uncle who is affected by epilepsy...and fortunately for both him and I...I've only had to experience an epileptic episode once in my lifetime...and lemme tell you...even if I had had an electric catfish I wouldn't have known where to put it...he was busy bouncin on the floor and foaming at the mouth...while I was running around in circles like some 2 year old familiar with the pee pee dance...I didn't know if he was faking it...dying from it...or had undergone some rapid transformation known as spontaneous demonic possession...keep in mind I was only 8-9 at the time...still young enough to be branded in the Sunday School fires of Catholicism... my religious views have changed since then...however I distinctly remeber thinking to myself at the time...God...I don't know what you have planned for me at this moment...but I'm pretty damn sure I'm NOT gonna meet your expectations...half my body wanted to stay and help...while the other half kept heading for the back door...had I attained the age of puberty I probablky woulda pulled a groin and ended up somewhere between my convulsing uncle and the closed back door of Grandma's house...I was traumatized to say the least...we were visiting on vacation...which meant we were double bunked in my Uncle's room...I don't think I slept a wink the whole rest of the week we were up here...I wasn't sure if it was contagious...and I damn sure didn't wanna wake up in the middle of the night to find myself floppin around the floor like some kinda life sized pinata with an electric catfish attached to his face...ya know I tried to castrate a friend of mine in Hawai'i with an electric eel once...I think that poor bastard developed epilepsy...bouncin around like a fish outta water...course he was on the beach at the time...so I guess that makes sense...ya want me to letcha in on a little known secret??? Extermination of unwanted ethnicities was once carried out in over sized pizza ovens...that f**ked up little scientific experiment didn't work out so well either... several survivors of the Hitler's Krispy Kosher Kids are still among us today...and that's NOT necessarily a bad thing...they helped invent copper wire by initiating a Tug-O-War battle over a penny...It is the scientific community that coined the phrase...'If at first you don't succeed...try...try again'...they needed an escape clause for failed experimental endeavors...like thinking an electric catfish possessed the necessary amperage to have a lasting effect on those affected with epilepsy... and lemme tell ya...they have put that phrase to the test...time and time again...the unhealthy individuals among us guinea pig new medicines...and are often subjected to cruel and unusual treatment when submitted to State run Mental Institutions because they don't seem to fit in with acceptable societal behavior methods...trying to cure epilepsy thru the use of electric catfish is akin to trying to cure diarrhea with the insertion of a Q-Tip in the anal cavity...it ISN'T going to happen...NOT on your best day...me personally...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me...than a frontal labotomy...another tried and true mental remedy...it turned 'vegetables'...into drooling human smoothies...capable of watering pocket plants for hours...ya know...when I see really...really old people...you know the kind I'm talking about...they still have their boarding pass for the Ark saved in the bottom compartment of the jewelry box...I always ask them what their secret to longevity is...you know what the most common answer is??? Stay the hell outta hospitals...those places are designed to control the population rate...more people die from medicinal cures than from the affliction itself...think I'm kidding...they've known for decades that the cure for common cancer resides in the ocean...every known species of shark in existence has been subjected to scientific experiments surrounding cancer...the animals are cancer resistant...they have injected every species with several different forms of cancerous material...and yet the sharks have developed an immunity to a disease that affects more people than fish on an annual basis...now why do ya think they haven't been able to locate the gene that makes this possible within the shark??? Because NONE of those little bastards wrap a towel around their head and hide in the middle of Pakisan for 10 years while our country claimed to be searching for him in order to bring a rapid end to the war in the middle east...because I'll tell ya what...if they had...we woulda sent in Seal Team Six...slaughtered the dman cancer eating beast...and located the appropriate gene within half an hour...disposing of any evidence that there was a BODY...within half an hour...and thos eaffected by cancer would be better overnight...sorry epileptics but the same can't be said for your condition...we apologize for the inconvenience...we'll get back to ya when we find a big enough hammer to control the fit throwing episodes...HAPPY HELMETING!!!
Well thank god I wasn't born an electric catfish...those epileptic can be a scary bunch...I couldn't imagine some idiot with a PHD attempting to attach me to one of these happy go lucky wall bangers while they're in the middle of having a fit...I'd probably shit myself stupid...I have an uncle who is affected by epilepsy...and fortunately for both him and I...I've only had to experience an epileptic episode once in my lifetime...and lemme tell you...even if I had had an electric catfish I wouldn't have known where to put it...he was busy bouncin on the floor and foaming at the mouth...while I was running around in circles like some 2 year old familiar with the pee pee dance...I didn't know if he was faking it...dying from it...or had undergone some rapid transformation known as spontaneous demonic possession...keep in mind I was only 8-9 at the time...still young enough to be branded in the Sunday School fires of Catholicism... my religious views have changed since then...however I distinctly remeber thinking to myself at the time...God...I don't know what you have planned for me at this moment...but I'm pretty damn sure I'm NOT gonna meet your expectations...half my body wanted to stay and help...while the other half kept heading for the back door...had I attained the age of puberty I probablky woulda pulled a groin and ended up somewhere between my convulsing uncle and the closed back door of Grandma's house...I was traumatized to say the least...we were visiting on vacation...which meant we were double bunked in my Uncle's room...I don't think I slept a wink the whole rest of the week we were up here...I wasn't sure if it was contagious...and I damn sure didn't wanna wake up in the middle of the night to find myself floppin around the floor like some kinda life sized pinata with an electric catfish attached to his face...ya know I tried to castrate a friend of mine in Hawai'i with an electric eel once...I think that poor bastard developed epilepsy...bouncin around like a fish outta water...course he was on the beach at the time...so I guess that makes sense...ya want me to letcha in on a little known secret??? Extermination of unwanted ethnicities was once carried out in over sized pizza ovens...that f**ked up little scientific experiment didn't work out so well either... several survivors of the Hitler's Krispy Kosher Kids are still among us today...and that's NOT necessarily a bad thing...they helped invent copper wire by initiating a Tug-O-War battle over a penny...It is the scientific community that coined the phrase...'If at first you don't succeed...try...try again'...they needed an escape clause for failed experimental endeavors...like thinking an electric catfish possessed the necessary amperage to have a lasting effect on those affected with epilepsy... and lemme tell ya...they have put that phrase to the test...time and time again...the unhealthy individuals among us guinea pig new medicines...and are often subjected to cruel and unusual treatment when submitted to State run Mental Institutions because they don't seem to fit in with acceptable societal behavior methods...trying to cure epilepsy thru the use of electric catfish is akin to trying to cure diarrhea with the insertion of a Q-Tip in the anal cavity...it ISN'T going to happen...NOT on your best day...me personally...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me...than a frontal labotomy...another tried and true mental remedy...it turned 'vegetables'...into drooling human smoothies...capable of watering pocket plants for hours...ya know...when I see really...really old people...you know the kind I'm talking about...they still have their boarding pass for the Ark saved in the bottom compartment of the jewelry box...I always ask them what their secret to longevity is...you know what the most common answer is??? Stay the hell outta hospitals...those places are designed to control the population rate...more people die from medicinal cures than from the affliction itself...think I'm kidding...they've known for decades that the cure for common cancer resides in the ocean...every known species of shark in existence has been subjected to scientific experiments surrounding cancer...the animals are cancer resistant...they have injected every species with several different forms of cancerous material...and yet the sharks have developed an immunity to a disease that affects more people than fish on an annual basis...now why do ya think they haven't been able to locate the gene that makes this possible within the shark??? Because NONE of those little bastards wrap a towel around their head and hide in the middle of Pakisan for 10 years while our country claimed to be searching for him in order to bring a rapid end to the war in the middle east...because I'll tell ya what...if they had...we woulda sent in Seal Team Six...slaughtered the dman cancer eating beast...and located the appropriate gene within half an hour...disposing of any evidence that there was a BODY...within half an hour...and thos eaffected by cancer would be better overnight...sorry epileptics but the same can't be said for your condition...we apologize for the inconvenience...we'll get back to ya when we find a big enough hammer to control the fit throwing episodes...HAPPY HELMETING!!!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
03/21/12
Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated...
That's amazingly...incredibly...stupendously...useless. I can't recall the last time I used a rubber band for anything that didn't involve high school hi jinx. Ya know...as a matter of fact...in this day and age I'm a little upset with the manufacturers of rubber band products...where's the little advice warning on the label...I don't recall ever seeing the words...'Refrigerate after opening'...on any rubber band packages...I feel jilted...what is this world coming too??? NOT that I'm surprised by it's exclusion...this happens quite frequently in the area of merchandise...while shopping at a local supermarket the other day I came across an empty shipping crate that previously contained those nifty little handi-pak pudding packages...the labeling caught my eye...Do NOT store at temperatures above 37 degrees F...and Do NOT freeze...mind you this was in the baking aisle...where the product was distinctively displayed on a shelf...in an atmosphere much warmer than the recommended 37 degrees...so excluding refrigeration procedures from rubber band packages...NOT quite that big a deal...I wonder if this is the same for all rubber related products...do condoms last longer in the cooler...I don't have any idea...but I'm fairly certain that if left in a refrigerated unit up until the moment it becomes necessary...will ultimately result in a significantly deflated dipstick...thereby eliminating the need for a condom altogether...I know for a fact that hockey pucks are always kept in a freezer during NHL games...apparently firing a solid rubber puck at speeds in excess of 100 mph wasn't enough for these stick swinging...blood lusting buncha behemoths...pucks needed to possess the penchant for inflicting damage...supposedly soft rubber pucks bounce and deflect more easily...creating an atmosphere of over confidence among the shot blocking skate soldiers of several teams...if you've NEVER enjoyed the opportunity to play a game of hockey...you have NO idea what you're missing...getting pegged with one of these frozen pucks...provides an immediate indication of the capabilities associated with freezing rubber products...I think keeping condoms in the coldest section of the refrigerator would provide a modicum of similarity with the hockey puck...in that women would reinvent chastity belts...capable of deflecting the advancement of any frozen phallic appendage...I can't imagine what purpose refrigerating a simple rubber band could afford...quite often maintaining rubber related products in an average temperature suitable to human comfort should suffice...personally I'd have NO use for this technology...even if I did use rubber bands on a regular basis...keeping them cold would be of no benefit...because once I employ the product...I NO longer have a use for it...it's NOT as if I'm running to the refrigerator to grab a rubber band...wrapping it around an object in order to maintain control...then removing it and putting it back in the refrigerator...because here's the thing...rubber is a replaceable item...extremely plentiful...and rather easy to come by...therefore there doesn't appear to be a need for frolicking thru the refrigerator to find a hair tie replacement...rubber's natural composition enables it to stretch...bend...and break...regardless of compound characteristics...you can carve a chunk out of a hockey puck with a sharp knife...just as easily as you can stretch a rubber band beyond it's elastic capabilities...resulting in catastrophic failure of the component...if you're keeping rubber bands in the refrigerator you need more help than I am qualified to offer...you're probably moments away from trying to insure your Panda Poo tea container seals in freshness...you need to be hit on the head with a hammer...repeatedly...until you submit to common sense thinking...or pass the hell out...I swear sometimes people just need to think outside the box...rather than waddling around in the collective waste of their cataclysmic conscience...with the advancement of search engine options available on the Internet today...I have NO doubt there are several people who are rushing home at this very moment to refrigerate their rubber band collection... these people are what I like to call amoebic...spineless...thoughtless...puddles of jelly like substance... incapable of caring for themselves...they read and heed what others deposit as solid facts on the web pages they peruse...NEVER taking the opportunity to research information themselves...I'm half tempted to start my own useless facts forum...just so that I can wake up every morning smiling...knowing full well...some ridiculous stooge is at that very moment taking for granted the blurb I posted...adhering to it's very essence without so much as a flicker in the frontal lobe region of their garbage collecting grey matter membrane...in closing I would just like to offer a prayer for those affected with an iota of ignorance...that's right...even tho I'm not a religious fanatic...quite the contrary as a matter of fact...but for the sake of saving a few less than gifted thought processors...Lord, have mercy on the souls of the simple ones...they make me smile!!!
That's amazingly...incredibly...stupendously...useless. I can't recall the last time I used a rubber band for anything that didn't involve high school hi jinx. Ya know...as a matter of fact...in this day and age I'm a little upset with the manufacturers of rubber band products...where's the little advice warning on the label...I don't recall ever seeing the words...'Refrigerate after opening'...on any rubber band packages...I feel jilted...what is this world coming too??? NOT that I'm surprised by it's exclusion...this happens quite frequently in the area of merchandise...while shopping at a local supermarket the other day I came across an empty shipping crate that previously contained those nifty little handi-pak pudding packages...the labeling caught my eye...Do NOT store at temperatures above 37 degrees F...and Do NOT freeze...mind you this was in the baking aisle...where the product was distinctively displayed on a shelf...in an atmosphere much warmer than the recommended 37 degrees...so excluding refrigeration procedures from rubber band packages...NOT quite that big a deal...I wonder if this is the same for all rubber related products...do condoms last longer in the cooler...I don't have any idea...but I'm fairly certain that if left in a refrigerated unit up until the moment it becomes necessary...will ultimately result in a significantly deflated dipstick...thereby eliminating the need for a condom altogether...I know for a fact that hockey pucks are always kept in a freezer during NHL games...apparently firing a solid rubber puck at speeds in excess of 100 mph wasn't enough for these stick swinging...blood lusting buncha behemoths...pucks needed to possess the penchant for inflicting damage...supposedly soft rubber pucks bounce and deflect more easily...creating an atmosphere of over confidence among the shot blocking skate soldiers of several teams...if you've NEVER enjoyed the opportunity to play a game of hockey...you have NO idea what you're missing...getting pegged with one of these frozen pucks...provides an immediate indication of the capabilities associated with freezing rubber products...I think keeping condoms in the coldest section of the refrigerator would provide a modicum of similarity with the hockey puck...in that women would reinvent chastity belts...capable of deflecting the advancement of any frozen phallic appendage...I can't imagine what purpose refrigerating a simple rubber band could afford...quite often maintaining rubber related products in an average temperature suitable to human comfort should suffice...personally I'd have NO use for this technology...even if I did use rubber bands on a regular basis...keeping them cold would be of no benefit...because once I employ the product...I NO longer have a use for it...it's NOT as if I'm running to the refrigerator to grab a rubber band...wrapping it around an object in order to maintain control...then removing it and putting it back in the refrigerator...because here's the thing...rubber is a replaceable item...extremely plentiful...and rather easy to come by...therefore there doesn't appear to be a need for frolicking thru the refrigerator to find a hair tie replacement...rubber's natural composition enables it to stretch...bend...and break...regardless of compound characteristics...you can carve a chunk out of a hockey puck with a sharp knife...just as easily as you can stretch a rubber band beyond it's elastic capabilities...resulting in catastrophic failure of the component...if you're keeping rubber bands in the refrigerator you need more help than I am qualified to offer...you're probably moments away from trying to insure your Panda Poo tea container seals in freshness...you need to be hit on the head with a hammer...repeatedly...until you submit to common sense thinking...or pass the hell out...I swear sometimes people just need to think outside the box...rather than waddling around in the collective waste of their cataclysmic conscience...with the advancement of search engine options available on the Internet today...I have NO doubt there are several people who are rushing home at this very moment to refrigerate their rubber band collection... these people are what I like to call amoebic...spineless...thoughtless...puddles of jelly like substance... incapable of caring for themselves...they read and heed what others deposit as solid facts on the web pages they peruse...NEVER taking the opportunity to research information themselves...I'm half tempted to start my own useless facts forum...just so that I can wake up every morning smiling...knowing full well...some ridiculous stooge is at that very moment taking for granted the blurb I posted...adhering to it's very essence without so much as a flicker in the frontal lobe region of their garbage collecting grey matter membrane...in closing I would just like to offer a prayer for those affected with an iota of ignorance...that's right...even tho I'm not a religious fanatic...quite the contrary as a matter of fact...but for the sake of saving a few less than gifted thought processors...Lord, have mercy on the souls of the simple ones...they make me smile!!!
03/20/12
China is producing a tea blend from Panda poop, which is rich in fiber and nutrients and creates a unique aroma...
Let's have it with our hairy sheep ball pie!!!
Rich in fiber...would that be bamboo fiber...creates a unique aroma...undoubtedly...fecal matter often emits a rather unpleasant...pungent...unique aroma...ya know why China is the only one producing this blend of nutrient rich Panda poo tea blend...piss poor eyesight...that's why...and let's NOT forget their penchant for hog's hair toothbrushes...add a little Panda poo tea...and you've gotta gullet full of something that smells like hot garbage and shitty diapers...I'm quite sure the after taste will be quite enticing...considering the green teeth and stinky gum sockets these people already possess...who in their right mind would buy this shit...I mean literally...Momma sent me the article that she derived this tidbit from...the dumbass who came up with this idea...honestly thinks that this new blended beverage of bear shit is gonna make him an instant millionaire...and overnight sensation...NOT only is this the shittiest idea I've heard yet...but this stuff is supposed to sell for somewhere in the neighborhood of $36,000.00 a pound...HOLD UP...WAIT A MINUTE...did Kevin just say $36,000.00 a pound...yes he did...but have NO fear...it is also going to be sold by the cup...at the low, low price of $200.00...that's right folks...before long you'll be able to pop into your local Starbucks and order a Grande Double Panda Poop Lowfat with Cream...un-f**kin' believeable...I'm NOT quite sure where this bear shit barista studied economics...or if he ever took a math class to begin with...but here's the thing...99% of the automobile owning population are struggling to pay $4.00 a GALLON for gas...I don't see them shelling out $36,000.00 for a pound of ground up dried dung...the genius who came up with this idea pulls NO punches...he justifies the value he has placed on Panda Poo Tea...by claiming it will be the rarest blend in the entire world...HEY...look everybody...it's the herbal ignorant prodigy of defecating delicacies...Sum Ting Wong...Honolable Mastah Wong...can you prease terr dese plepol why Panda Poo tea is lalest in de entile...wol...wol...oh f**k it...pranet??? Because you DON'T make tea outta of SHIT...it's gonna smell like SHIT...it's gonna taste like SHIT...and if you buy this SHIT...even @ the relatively low price of $200.00 a cup...you're dumber than SHIT...and you deserve a big steaming cup of caca...this guy actually envisions setting a Guiness World Record with his first sale...Well NO shit... even if it's a single grain for $5.00 it'll be a record DIPSHIT...because NOBODY has ever...in the history of humanity...paid to drink POOP before...lemme tell ya what's gonna happen there ree ree... the second you set a record selling Panda Poo tea...I'm gonna set out to one up your ass...by concocting an even rarer rectally regurgitated blend of beverage...Kevin's Cricket Ass Coffee...you think Panda Poop is rare...Crickets are a seasonal insect SHIT for brains...so SIP on that sideways...seriously...I'll smack the ever-lovin' SHIT outta any one of you who have a penchant for making such a purchase...in the Grand Pantheon of things you shouldn't piss away money on...earned or inherited...Panda Poo tea has got to be at the top of the list...hell...it doesn't even belong on a list...it is a Stand-alone item... unless of course this Tea-turdler intends on delivering a low-fat version for those who find Panda Poo too filling...maybe a Diet Dingo Diarrhea blend sold strictly in Australia...to blind Aborigines who've lopped off their tongues...this is an incredibly ridiculous business venture...I can't imagine why anyone would even wanna get close enough to bask in the aroma...it's SHIT people...you don't take up residence in the family Throne Room...plop your ass on the porcelain...do your duty...stand up...turn around...look down and think to yourself...'Hmmm...I wonder what that would taste like if I ran it thru a blender...left it out to dry...then added hot water to it and drank it'...at least I pray you don't...if by chance you do...please...STOP reading my blog...you haven't a hope in hell of understanding that simple thing...Common Sense...I mean NOT even if my children's lives depended on it...DON'T get me wrong...I love my children dearly...but there comes a point where ya hafta draw the line...and apparently drinking...dry...ground up animal dung is that point for me...if you'd like a preview of what this godawful crap is gonna taste like...shove your finger up your ass and fart...then lick that finger with your tongue...because here it is in a nutshell...SHIT...is SHIT...it doesn't matter how well you dress it up...PANDA POOP AIN'T PRETTY!!!
Let's have it with our hairy sheep ball pie!!!
Rich in fiber...would that be bamboo fiber...creates a unique aroma...undoubtedly...fecal matter often emits a rather unpleasant...pungent...unique aroma...ya know why China is the only one producing this blend of nutrient rich Panda poo tea blend...piss poor eyesight...that's why...and let's NOT forget their penchant for hog's hair toothbrushes...add a little Panda poo tea...and you've gotta gullet full of something that smells like hot garbage and shitty diapers...I'm quite sure the after taste will be quite enticing...considering the green teeth and stinky gum sockets these people already possess...who in their right mind would buy this shit...I mean literally...Momma sent me the article that she derived this tidbit from...the dumbass who came up with this idea...honestly thinks that this new blended beverage of bear shit is gonna make him an instant millionaire...and overnight sensation...NOT only is this the shittiest idea I've heard yet...but this stuff is supposed to sell for somewhere in the neighborhood of $36,000.00 a pound...HOLD UP...WAIT A MINUTE...did Kevin just say $36,000.00 a pound...yes he did...but have NO fear...it is also going to be sold by the cup...at the low, low price of $200.00...that's right folks...before long you'll be able to pop into your local Starbucks and order a Grande Double Panda Poop Lowfat with Cream...un-f**kin' believeable...I'm NOT quite sure where this bear shit barista studied economics...or if he ever took a math class to begin with...but here's the thing...99% of the automobile owning population are struggling to pay $4.00 a GALLON for gas...I don't see them shelling out $36,000.00 for a pound of ground up dried dung...the genius who came up with this idea pulls NO punches...he justifies the value he has placed on Panda Poo Tea...by claiming it will be the rarest blend in the entire world...HEY...look everybody...it's the herbal ignorant prodigy of defecating delicacies...Sum Ting Wong...Honolable Mastah Wong...can you prease terr dese plepol why Panda Poo tea is lalest in de entile...wol...wol...oh f**k it...pranet??? Because you DON'T make tea outta of SHIT...it's gonna smell like SHIT...it's gonna taste like SHIT...and if you buy this SHIT...even @ the relatively low price of $200.00 a cup...you're dumber than SHIT...and you deserve a big steaming cup of caca...this guy actually envisions setting a Guiness World Record with his first sale...Well NO shit... even if it's a single grain for $5.00 it'll be a record DIPSHIT...because NOBODY has ever...in the history of humanity...paid to drink POOP before...lemme tell ya what's gonna happen there ree ree... the second you set a record selling Panda Poo tea...I'm gonna set out to one up your ass...by concocting an even rarer rectally regurgitated blend of beverage...Kevin's Cricket Ass Coffee...you think Panda Poop is rare...Crickets are a seasonal insect SHIT for brains...so SIP on that sideways...seriously...I'll smack the ever-lovin' SHIT outta any one of you who have a penchant for making such a purchase...in the Grand Pantheon of things you shouldn't piss away money on...earned or inherited...Panda Poo tea has got to be at the top of the list...hell...it doesn't even belong on a list...it is a Stand-alone item... unless of course this Tea-turdler intends on delivering a low-fat version for those who find Panda Poo too filling...maybe a Diet Dingo Diarrhea blend sold strictly in Australia...to blind Aborigines who've lopped off their tongues...this is an incredibly ridiculous business venture...I can't imagine why anyone would even wanna get close enough to bask in the aroma...it's SHIT people...you don't take up residence in the family Throne Room...plop your ass on the porcelain...do your duty...stand up...turn around...look down and think to yourself...'Hmmm...I wonder what that would taste like if I ran it thru a blender...left it out to dry...then added hot water to it and drank it'...at least I pray you don't...if by chance you do...please...STOP reading my blog...you haven't a hope in hell of understanding that simple thing...Common Sense...I mean NOT even if my children's lives depended on it...DON'T get me wrong...I love my children dearly...but there comes a point where ya hafta draw the line...and apparently drinking...dry...ground up animal dung is that point for me...if you'd like a preview of what this godawful crap is gonna taste like...shove your finger up your ass and fart...then lick that finger with your tongue...because here it is in a nutshell...SHIT...is SHIT...it doesn't matter how well you dress it up...PANDA POOP AIN'T PRETTY!!!
Monday, March 19, 2012
03/19/12
In Hartford, Ct. it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays...
I'm not really surprised by this...in the history of human life on this continent...there hasn't been one single sex symbol from the state of Connecticut...or from any other New England state for that matter... must be the price they hafta pay for having beautiful scenery and an abundance of highly sought after seafood...ugly women...Connecticut is one of those states that got misplaced during the settlement of the northeastern seaboard...they are the bastard stepchild of New England...there isn't shit in Connecticut...even the Whalers left for Carolina and became the Hurricanes...warmer weather and better lookin' women...this is one of those laws that really didn't need to be written...it woulda become commonplace in any marriage lasting longer than 12 months...because once the Honeymoon is over...and the unpolished pig of a person you are becomes evident...kissing on anyday is an afterthought...and eventually it becomes a gesture related to arrivals and departures from each other... it somehow ends up morphing into a tedious task you'd like to forget about...something you wish you could just drop in a glass like dentures and walk away from til morning...I've never quite understood the whole marriage concept...it seems as archaic as cave drawings...there aren't many animals in the kingdom that copulate monogomically for life...and humans are NO different...especially in this day and age...I'm not really sure why Hartford has this law on the books...I mean I could understand if they had an NFL team...or any major professional sports team for that matter...that played games on Sunday...at least then you could hypothesize that the men of Hartford were fanatics from birth...and that the law was enacted in order to prevent interruption of the leisurely activities associated with watching sports...that NOT being the case...I can only assume that the continuing degradation of dermatologically accepted daughters entering adulthood...had a direct impact on the passing of this law...unless of course the constituents of Hartford CT are all 'swingers'...then it makes perfect sense... Sunday is a sweltering pot of sacreligious sexual situations...somehow I doubt that's the case...I've been to Connecticut...couldn't wait to get the hell outta there...the women there are like offbrand vanilla flavored ice cream...bland...cold...and uncomfortable to look at...that place is like the northern most southern state...it doesn't belong up there...it needs to be shuffled around the states til it settles somewhere around Kentucky or Tennessee...trust me...if you've seen the women up round those parts...you'd ask yourself...'Why only Sundays?'...the name Connecticut...in it's native tongue...stands for...NOTHING...and ladies...don't think I'm pickin' on just your gender...the men ain't eyeball catchin' Marlboro Cowboy types...the wives have probably less of a desire to be kissed on Sunday's than the men do...think about it...have you ever wanted to visit...or vacation...in Connecticut??? Where wouldja go??? What wouldja see??? EXACTLY...you're all sittin' there just as empty minded of ideas involving tourist attractions in that state as I am...I can only think of ONE reason to be in Connecticut.. for any amount of time...travelling thru it...I suppose...if you live on the eastern seabord...and are venturing further north...like to Vermont...New Hampshire...or Maine...and passing thru Connecticut provides the shortest passage between the two points...then given the escalating gas prices of 22nd Century America...I can see where this would be an acceptable option...look all I'm sayin' is this...NOBODY goes there for the buffet of Beaches and Babes...it isn't a hotbed of...'Hey I hafta see that in my lifetime'...as a matter of fact it appears to be a haven for husbands who hate their wives...or vice versa...I'm bettin' there are households where everyday is Sunday...the calendar...like the tick tock of an old worn clock...NEVER changes...it just marks the time they've been married like some agonizingly...annoying...neverending nag...soul-lessly slipping thru every second...dripping with anticipation for the arrival of next Sunday...how exciting that must be...and it's all due in part to entering the bonds of matrimony...think about it...married couples don't actually kiss each other anymore...they go thru the motions sure...but pure...unbridled passionate kissing...that's the stuff of fantasy and one night stands...the evolution of human nature no longer represents a need for anything more from one another than sexual satisfaction...women have entered every available avenue of employment...no longer relying on a 'husband' for financial support...men have learned how to microwave even the rawest of edible materials into something they can stomach...no longer relying on a 'wife' to forage and feed them...women have accepted the role of single mother rather than suffer thru an unhappy life horse collared to a 'husband' simply because society says it must be so...electing to shoulder the responsibility of raising children without an everyday father figure like a 'husband' to interfere...men have found an abundance of time to do the shit they want...like play golf...fish... go out to sports bars with their buddies...play poker on Sunday nights...watch meaningless television without interruption...all that and more without the everyday nagging of a 'wife'...women have enjoyed the holiness that comes with a spotlessly clean living compartment...no longer finding it necessary to pick up the forgotten messes left by an inconsiderate 'husband'...men enjoy the pleasure of wearing baggy boxers...holey shirts...going unshaved all weekend...and scratching themselves whenever the need arises...all without having to dream up some sorta covert Seal Team 6 operation...ya know when ya look at it like that...Hartford has a head start!!!
I'm not really surprised by this...in the history of human life on this continent...there hasn't been one single sex symbol from the state of Connecticut...or from any other New England state for that matter... must be the price they hafta pay for having beautiful scenery and an abundance of highly sought after seafood...ugly women...Connecticut is one of those states that got misplaced during the settlement of the northeastern seaboard...they are the bastard stepchild of New England...there isn't shit in Connecticut...even the Whalers left for Carolina and became the Hurricanes...warmer weather and better lookin' women...this is one of those laws that really didn't need to be written...it woulda become commonplace in any marriage lasting longer than 12 months...because once the Honeymoon is over...and the unpolished pig of a person you are becomes evident...kissing on anyday is an afterthought...and eventually it becomes a gesture related to arrivals and departures from each other... it somehow ends up morphing into a tedious task you'd like to forget about...something you wish you could just drop in a glass like dentures and walk away from til morning...I've never quite understood the whole marriage concept...it seems as archaic as cave drawings...there aren't many animals in the kingdom that copulate monogomically for life...and humans are NO different...especially in this day and age...I'm not really sure why Hartford has this law on the books...I mean I could understand if they had an NFL team...or any major professional sports team for that matter...that played games on Sunday...at least then you could hypothesize that the men of Hartford were fanatics from birth...and that the law was enacted in order to prevent interruption of the leisurely activities associated with watching sports...that NOT being the case...I can only assume that the continuing degradation of dermatologically accepted daughters entering adulthood...had a direct impact on the passing of this law...unless of course the constituents of Hartford CT are all 'swingers'...then it makes perfect sense... Sunday is a sweltering pot of sacreligious sexual situations...somehow I doubt that's the case...I've been to Connecticut...couldn't wait to get the hell outta there...the women there are like offbrand vanilla flavored ice cream...bland...cold...and uncomfortable to look at...that place is like the northern most southern state...it doesn't belong up there...it needs to be shuffled around the states til it settles somewhere around Kentucky or Tennessee...trust me...if you've seen the women up round those parts...you'd ask yourself...'Why only Sundays?'...the name Connecticut...in it's native tongue...stands for...NOTHING...and ladies...don't think I'm pickin' on just your gender...the men ain't eyeball catchin' Marlboro Cowboy types...the wives have probably less of a desire to be kissed on Sunday's than the men do...think about it...have you ever wanted to visit...or vacation...in Connecticut??? Where wouldja go??? What wouldja see??? EXACTLY...you're all sittin' there just as empty minded of ideas involving tourist attractions in that state as I am...I can only think of ONE reason to be in Connecticut.. for any amount of time...travelling thru it...I suppose...if you live on the eastern seabord...and are venturing further north...like to Vermont...New Hampshire...or Maine...and passing thru Connecticut provides the shortest passage between the two points...then given the escalating gas prices of 22nd Century America...I can see where this would be an acceptable option...look all I'm sayin' is this...NOBODY goes there for the buffet of Beaches and Babes...it isn't a hotbed of...'Hey I hafta see that in my lifetime'...as a matter of fact it appears to be a haven for husbands who hate their wives...or vice versa...I'm bettin' there are households where everyday is Sunday...the calendar...like the tick tock of an old worn clock...NEVER changes...it just marks the time they've been married like some agonizingly...annoying...neverending nag...soul-lessly slipping thru every second...dripping with anticipation for the arrival of next Sunday...how exciting that must be...and it's all due in part to entering the bonds of matrimony...think about it...married couples don't actually kiss each other anymore...they go thru the motions sure...but pure...unbridled passionate kissing...that's the stuff of fantasy and one night stands...the evolution of human nature no longer represents a need for anything more from one another than sexual satisfaction...women have entered every available avenue of employment...no longer relying on a 'husband' for financial support...men have learned how to microwave even the rawest of edible materials into something they can stomach...no longer relying on a 'wife' to forage and feed them...women have accepted the role of single mother rather than suffer thru an unhappy life horse collared to a 'husband' simply because society says it must be so...electing to shoulder the responsibility of raising children without an everyday father figure like a 'husband' to interfere...men have found an abundance of time to do the shit they want...like play golf...fish... go out to sports bars with their buddies...play poker on Sunday nights...watch meaningless television without interruption...all that and more without the everyday nagging of a 'wife'...women have enjoyed the holiness that comes with a spotlessly clean living compartment...no longer finding it necessary to pick up the forgotten messes left by an inconsiderate 'husband'...men enjoy the pleasure of wearing baggy boxers...holey shirts...going unshaved all weekend...and scratching themselves whenever the need arises...all without having to dream up some sorta covert Seal Team 6 operation...ya know when ya look at it like that...Hartford has a head start!!!
Friday, March 16, 2012
03/16/12
There is NO rice in ricepaper...
OMFG...just when I thought we were gettin' close to drainin' the shallow end of the gene pool...up pops another spring of stupidity...NO rice in ricepaper...really??? Do you know how completely void of common sense an individual hasta be in order to do the research required prior to putting such retarded shit it writing...this idiots next job oughtta be performing as the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz...f**kin' brainless bucket of body parts anyway...this moron is a walking billboard in support of stem cell research...I'm gonna go out on a limb here...without the assistance of Google...and absent of a net to catch me should I fall...but I'm guessin' there are NO toilets in toiletpaper either...you probably wouldn't believe me if I told ya there aren't any sandwiches in sandwich bags...there isn't one single duck in duck sauce...Walnuts...aren't made from walls...there's nothing soft about a softball...the Internal Revenue Service doesn't provide a service at all...nor does it conduct business internally...if it did it wouldn't require money from external components in order to operate efficiently...I mean where does this guy get off making such a ridiculous claim...my god I could go on forever pointing out products that don't contain items from their respective titles...Dish soap...isn't made from dishes...nor is baby powder produced from ground up infants...it boggles the mind when ya stop to consider that somebody...apparently NOT of an Asian ethnicity took the time...and put forth the effort...to actually research the ingredients of ricepaper before submitting their findings for the rest of the rectally birthed boneheads to go all gaga over...I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I heard about ricepaper...and simultaneously realized it had NOTHING to do with rice...the very first episode of Kung-Fu...starring that self-choking...closet incased...cock clubbin' Carradine boy...'Honorable Glasshoppa must closs the loom sirentry...while walkin ova licepapah'...at the time that show aired I believe my age was still in the single digits...slightly higher than the authors IQ...and yet I was able to deduce that ricepaper didn't contain rice...imagine that...perhaps it was due in part to my early academic years in elementary school where I soon realized that construction paper is one of the laziest of it's species...unable to build a damn thing without manipulation and instruction from others...ya know...had this tidbit come from somebody who was...say...3 years old...I would view it in an entirely different light...I would raise that child to my shoulders...run down the street...yelling...shouting...and signing praise over such a prodigious pedial person...because let's be honest...if your kid doesn't pick up on these simple things before going to pre-school...there is an above average possibility they are gonna waste your life savings on an education they can't use...they'll end up 30 year old paranormal experts...23 years past their prime...these are the kinds of un-genii...(that's a Wixson-ism...f**k it I hadta put up with it for 8 years...you guys can suffer one from time to time to ease my pain...un-genii...a group of...less than gifted...grey matter meltdowns)...we need to shake ourselves free from...they are significantly reducing our overall rating as a race...it saddens the soul to read a statement like that...I don't know about you...but I feel dumber just having read it...and I don't mean just a little..it's like bang my head against the wall while sucking my thumb stupid...and I only feel that way because I try to put myself in the originating authors shoes...see it from their perspective...try to envision what's going thru their minds when an overabundance of information results in the eye opening flash of illumination associated with pure inception...and I hafta be completely honest here...otherwise I would be lying...(see what happened there...BOOM...just like that...dropped an IQ point)...99.99999999% of the time...when I read the things these football helmets full of frontal lobotomies fumble outta their mouths...ONE...undying...beautifully illustrated picture accompanies this thought..."SO...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING STUCK TO THE DRAIN IN THREE FEET OF WATER!!!"
OMFG...just when I thought we were gettin' close to drainin' the shallow end of the gene pool...up pops another spring of stupidity...NO rice in ricepaper...really??? Do you know how completely void of common sense an individual hasta be in order to do the research required prior to putting such retarded shit it writing...this idiots next job oughtta be performing as the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz...f**kin' brainless bucket of body parts anyway...this moron is a walking billboard in support of stem cell research...I'm gonna go out on a limb here...without the assistance of Google...and absent of a net to catch me should I fall...but I'm guessin' there are NO toilets in toiletpaper either...you probably wouldn't believe me if I told ya there aren't any sandwiches in sandwich bags...there isn't one single duck in duck sauce...Walnuts...aren't made from walls...there's nothing soft about a softball...the Internal Revenue Service doesn't provide a service at all...nor does it conduct business internally...if it did it wouldn't require money from external components in order to operate efficiently...I mean where does this guy get off making such a ridiculous claim...my god I could go on forever pointing out products that don't contain items from their respective titles...Dish soap...isn't made from dishes...nor is baby powder produced from ground up infants...it boggles the mind when ya stop to consider that somebody...apparently NOT of an Asian ethnicity took the time...and put forth the effort...to actually research the ingredients of ricepaper before submitting their findings for the rest of the rectally birthed boneheads to go all gaga over...I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I heard about ricepaper...and simultaneously realized it had NOTHING to do with rice...the very first episode of Kung-Fu...starring that self-choking...closet incased...cock clubbin' Carradine boy...'Honorable Glasshoppa must closs the loom sirentry...while walkin ova licepapah'...at the time that show aired I believe my age was still in the single digits...slightly higher than the authors IQ...and yet I was able to deduce that ricepaper didn't contain rice...imagine that...perhaps it was due in part to my early academic years in elementary school where I soon realized that construction paper is one of the laziest of it's species...unable to build a damn thing without manipulation and instruction from others...ya know...had this tidbit come from somebody who was...say...3 years old...I would view it in an entirely different light...I would raise that child to my shoulders...run down the street...yelling...shouting...and signing praise over such a prodigious pedial person...because let's be honest...if your kid doesn't pick up on these simple things before going to pre-school...there is an above average possibility they are gonna waste your life savings on an education they can't use...they'll end up 30 year old paranormal experts...23 years past their prime...these are the kinds of un-genii...(that's a Wixson-ism...f**k it I hadta put up with it for 8 years...you guys can suffer one from time to time to ease my pain...un-genii...a group of...less than gifted...grey matter meltdowns)...we need to shake ourselves free from...they are significantly reducing our overall rating as a race...it saddens the soul to read a statement like that...I don't know about you...but I feel dumber just having read it...and I don't mean just a little..it's like bang my head against the wall while sucking my thumb stupid...and I only feel that way because I try to put myself in the originating authors shoes...see it from their perspective...try to envision what's going thru their minds when an overabundance of information results in the eye opening flash of illumination associated with pure inception...and I hafta be completely honest here...otherwise I would be lying...(see what happened there...BOOM...just like that...dropped an IQ point)...99.99999999% of the time...when I read the things these football helmets full of frontal lobotomies fumble outta their mouths...ONE...undying...beautifully illustrated picture accompanies this thought..."SO...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING STUCK TO THE DRAIN IN THREE FEET OF WATER!!!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
03/15/12
The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within a few degrees by the chirps of a cricket. Count the number of chirps in a 15 second period & add 37 to the total...This formula, however, only works in warm weather...
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
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