North Dakota has rejected a law to erect signs warning motorists not to throw human waste onto the road side, for fear the signs would discourage tourism.
So that's what they think would discourage people from visiting the state of North Dakota eh? It couldn't possibly be the overall appearance of the place...flat...I mean flat...think Wile E. Coyote...Acme Anvil backfire...cliff dropping...canyon floor flat...that's North Dakota...it's the Welcome doormat to Saskatchewan...next to Nome Alaska and the North Pole...No Dak is the 3rd coldest place on the planet...there aren't any mountains...very few hills and even fewer trees...trees must have been a status symbol amongst No Dak farmers @ one time...because the only place you ever see them is on the north and west sides of old farmhouses to try and serve as a windbreak...even Christmas trees are improted...the hills that dot the landscape here and there are probably the result of motorists throwing human waste onto the road side from as far back as the covered wagon days...even then nobody wanted to stop in that state...you can drive for hours in that state without seeing another living thing...grass included...no buildings...no gas stations...even the wind howls thru No Dak screaming along on its way to Minnesota...I doubt very seriously that human waste flinging warning signs are the real reason for the lack of tourism in that state...North Dakota is the plaid pant wearing, bib droolin, bastard step child of the United States...people don't go there to visit...people end up there because of 2 reasons...A) They either haven't embraced technology and purchased a GPS or Smartphone with Navigation...or B) The individual driving the car wants to prove that his manly instincts will get them out of this mess by that little internal "I'm not lost goddamn it...shut your mouth Edith" compass which has deposited their Arizona bound asses somewhere north of Mt. Rushmore yet south of Moose Raping Manitoba...trust me out of all the states North Dakota is my 51st favorite...that's right 51st...I'd grant Puerto Rico statehood before I'd visit the...human fecal flinging fear factory of North Dakota again...a note to lawmakers there...post the damn signs...hell you can plant one every 3 feet along every major highway...there are 2 of those...and I'll guarantee nobody notices...they'll still drive thru at the breakneck speed of "Get me outta here damn it this ain't funny"...and if you're venturing that way in the near future please...please get a map or a GPS...the last thing you wanna do is end up at the intersection of "Boy you sure gotta purty mouth" and "the place Truckers go to get raped"
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Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
My Amazon Store
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An To Ti
In the first month of the Bell Telephone Company's existence in 1877, only six telephones were sold.
A true model of persistence and perserverance...I don't know if they still exist today or not... I haven't heard of Bell Telephone Company for some time now...I do remember when they were found guilty of operating a Monopoly and had to break up their company and sell off bits and chunks...but can you imagine being a salesman for Bell...I was a Kirby vacuum salesman for about a year and a half in the 2000's...I can't imagine walkin around trying to sell telephones to people across America...how do you go up to somebodys door and pitch that little idea...Good Day folks...allow me to introduce myself...my name is Ichabod Turner (I.T.) I just happen to have this fancy new gadget I'd like to show ya...it is all the rage in 5 homes across this great country how would you like to be the 6th? Now what this here thing will do is let you call up to 5 other people you've never met and talk about all the things you don't have in common. Here's the catch folks...if you buy this little contraption from me now you'll be the 6th sale this year and with nymbers like those you can see how this thing is gonna snowball...within the next 3-4 generations every house in America will have one...and within 5-6 generations everybody will carry one in their pocket...I can't imagine trying to sell that thing back in 1877...there weren't even enough telephone lines strung up to make a damn call farther than the next room...and look at us now...first it was the automobile...every family had to have @ least 1...it was a status symbol...then families started downsizing and yet found it necessary to purchase a 2nd vehicle...they were the rich folks on the block...then it was tv's...every family had to have one...then 2...then 3,4...however many rooms a house had we needed a tv in each one...now it's computers and even more so cell phones...there was a time in this country when a family would vacation together...they would pack up the old vinyl wood sided grocery getter and head off to a beach or the mountains...they would get all the way to their destination unpack and find out they left something @ home...they would get mildly upset say a few things..."DRATS...I left my hair gel @ home...and my swell comb too" and that was it...on with the vacation...nowadays try goin on vacation with someone...hell offer to run across town with somebody who hasta be @ an appointment in 15 minutes...they'll get hurriedly ready...forget to eye make-up over one eye...wear 2 different colored socks a polkadot miniskirt with a plaid shirt hair in a bun...rush out the door hop in the car...get 10 feet from the door to the building they need to enter in 2 minutes, reach into their purse to turn their cell phone to silent...realize they don't have it...stop dead in their tracks turn around and fly back home to get it...our society and its citizens have become entirely too dependant on technology...I don't need a phonebook anymore...have no use for a landline phone...the USPS may as well go bankrupt I never send anything thru them anymore...and over half the shit that clogs my PO Box is junk...it's SPAM on paper...my damn computer can weed out the shit I don't want from my inbox...but good old Bertha down at the East Jordan Post Office can't seem to figure it out...they shove that shit in everyones box and yet place a recycling bin next to the door...as the middleman should I demand my cut in this chain of unnecessary events??
A true model of persistence and perserverance...I don't know if they still exist today or not... I haven't heard of Bell Telephone Company for some time now...I do remember when they were found guilty of operating a Monopoly and had to break up their company and sell off bits and chunks...but can you imagine being a salesman for Bell...I was a Kirby vacuum salesman for about a year and a half in the 2000's...I can't imagine walkin around trying to sell telephones to people across America...how do you go up to somebodys door and pitch that little idea...Good Day folks...allow me to introduce myself...my name is Ichabod Turner (I.T.) I just happen to have this fancy new gadget I'd like to show ya...it is all the rage in 5 homes across this great country how would you like to be the 6th? Now what this here thing will do is let you call up to 5 other people you've never met and talk about all the things you don't have in common. Here's the catch folks...if you buy this little contraption from me now you'll be the 6th sale this year and with nymbers like those you can see how this thing is gonna snowball...within the next 3-4 generations every house in America will have one...and within 5-6 generations everybody will carry one in their pocket...I can't imagine trying to sell that thing back in 1877...there weren't even enough telephone lines strung up to make a damn call farther than the next room...and look at us now...first it was the automobile...every family had to have @ least 1...it was a status symbol...then families started downsizing and yet found it necessary to purchase a 2nd vehicle...they were the rich folks on the block...then it was tv's...every family had to have one...then 2...then 3,4...however many rooms a house had we needed a tv in each one...now it's computers and even more so cell phones...there was a time in this country when a family would vacation together...they would pack up the old vinyl wood sided grocery getter and head off to a beach or the mountains...they would get all the way to their destination unpack and find out they left something @ home...they would get mildly upset say a few things..."DRATS...I left my hair gel @ home...and my swell comb too" and that was it...on with the vacation...nowadays try goin on vacation with someone...hell offer to run across town with somebody who hasta be @ an appointment in 15 minutes...they'll get hurriedly ready...forget to eye make-up over one eye...wear 2 different colored socks a polkadot miniskirt with a plaid shirt hair in a bun...rush out the door hop in the car...get 10 feet from the door to the building they need to enter in 2 minutes, reach into their purse to turn their cell phone to silent...realize they don't have it...stop dead in their tracks turn around and fly back home to get it...our society and its citizens have become entirely too dependant on technology...I don't need a phonebook anymore...have no use for a landline phone...the USPS may as well go bankrupt I never send anything thru them anymore...and over half the shit that clogs my PO Box is junk...it's SPAM on paper...my damn computer can weed out the shit I don't want from my inbox...but good old Bertha down at the East Jordan Post Office can't seem to figure it out...they shove that shit in everyones box and yet place a recycling bin next to the door...as the middleman should I demand my cut in this chain of unnecessary events??
An To Ti
Research from the Mayo Clinic has determined there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus. It is the Anal Optic Nerve and is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes
If you have enough ass hair, and its long enough for you to pull one you're...A) in need of a professional wax ANALyst to assist with this desperate condition...manscaping fellas, get with the times...B) a European Pole Dancer and altho 'Pigtails from the Poopchute' was a popular nightclub attraction back in the '70's, it's time for a trim...C) the new centerfold in Playmates for Prisoners, a monthly subscription service...last months issue was subtitled 'Hairy assed Houdinis of Hoag Maximum Penitentiary'...D) auditioning for a nude photo shoot for Bigfoot Quarterly, hoping to be spank mag material for Sasquatch's in the Northwest, or Squatches as they're referred to by the idiots who spend countless hours trying to prove they exist, by stompin around woods and forests, hootin, snortin, and hollerin...AT NIGHT...if you're gonna make all that damn noise, shouldn't ya just do it durin the day, at least that way if ya stumble across a deaf one sleepin, it will be entertaining to say the least. And just so we are clear, the rest of the Mayo clinic research says that if you don't pass gas in public, if you don't float an air biscuit when the need arises, all that methane gas backs up inside a body and travels back up the anal optic nerve where it spills over and creates shitty ideas, so, if you find yourself doing alotta stuff alone on the weekends, try bein a little more flatulent at the work place, if ya can't shave or wax it, tryin burnin the hair out, you'll no your successful if ya let one fly and the dog vomits, trust me...until you've cleared an entire room at the Smithsonian you must bow to the Pharoah of flatulence, pass gas and think more clearly! Btw, have you ever noticed that the moment you walk into a spider web you instantly become a ninja...lol
If you have enough ass hair, and its long enough for you to pull one you're...A) in need of a professional wax ANALyst to assist with this desperate condition...manscaping fellas, get with the times...B) a European Pole Dancer and altho 'Pigtails from the Poopchute' was a popular nightclub attraction back in the '70's, it's time for a trim...C) the new centerfold in Playmates for Prisoners, a monthly subscription service...last months issue was subtitled 'Hairy assed Houdinis of Hoag Maximum Penitentiary'...D) auditioning for a nude photo shoot for Bigfoot Quarterly, hoping to be spank mag material for Sasquatch's in the Northwest, or Squatches as they're referred to by the idiots who spend countless hours trying to prove they exist, by stompin around woods and forests, hootin, snortin, and hollerin...AT NIGHT...if you're gonna make all that damn noise, shouldn't ya just do it durin the day, at least that way if ya stumble across a deaf one sleepin, it will be entertaining to say the least. And just so we are clear, the rest of the Mayo clinic research says that if you don't pass gas in public, if you don't float an air biscuit when the need arises, all that methane gas backs up inside a body and travels back up the anal optic nerve where it spills over and creates shitty ideas, so, if you find yourself doing alotta stuff alone on the weekends, try bein a little more flatulent at the work place, if ya can't shave or wax it, tryin burnin the hair out, you'll no your successful if ya let one fly and the dog vomits, trust me...until you've cleared an entire room at the Smithsonian you must bow to the Pharoah of flatulence, pass gas and think more clearly! Btw, have you ever noticed that the moment you walk into a spider web you instantly become a ninja...lol
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
A San Diego man sued the city for emotional trauma during a concert when he saw women using the men's rest room
There are 3 things that stand out immediately about this little tidbit...A) Women in San Diego must pee standing up, you can't sit in a urinal...B) At least one guy in San Diego is appalled enough by the site of this he took action...and C) At least one of these women had a damn tree growin where there shouldn't be nothin but wetlands...if either A or C are wrong, then this guy is a peter puffin, knob gobbler who volunteers to be the pivot man at the weekly rainbow warriors circle jerk session...c'mon, what kinda Ken doll lovin queer is this little light in the loafers lollygagger...I can't think of anybody I hang out with who wouldn't, immediately upon seeing several women utilizing the mens room, snap pics, text them to attending friends with directions...(mens room upper bowl section 12F) and then litter their facebook wall with evidence that they're the best photographer Hustler's Hometown Hotties had ever seen!!!
There are 3 things that stand out immediately about this little tidbit...A) Women in San Diego must pee standing up, you can't sit in a urinal...B) At least one guy in San Diego is appalled enough by the site of this he took action...and C) At least one of these women had a damn tree growin where there shouldn't be nothin but wetlands...if either A or C are wrong, then this guy is a peter puffin, knob gobbler who volunteers to be the pivot man at the weekly rainbow warriors circle jerk session...c'mon, what kinda Ken doll lovin queer is this little light in the loafers lollygagger...I can't think of anybody I hang out with who wouldn't, immediately upon seeing several women utilizing the mens room, snap pics, text them to attending friends with directions...(mens room upper bowl section 12F) and then litter their facebook wall with evidence that they're the best photographer Hustler's Hometown Hotties had ever seen!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Scientists have determined that Los Angeles, CA is moving east at a rate estimated to be about one-fifth an inch per year.
1/5 of an inch per year - SERIOUSLY!!
Well that explains it all...more of our taxpayers money put to good use...the illegal immigrant infestation problem in Southern Cali has gotten so bad that the land itself is making a run (in millenial terms) for Arizona...unfortunately as slow and lazy as our siesta taking global siblings of the south are, they should be in Flagstaff and/or Phoenix by the time L.A. gets there in the year 12,356...these dumb assed data gatherin expeditions need to start being independantly funded...do you wanna know when the next Tsunami is gonna hit...build your house on a mountain and you won't hafta concern yourself with giant walls of water inundating your living room...how long before the next earthquake swallows my house...if ya live in L.A. I wouldn't worry about it, you're all on the move to safer soil, just bare with it a couple hundred generations...what a bunch of brainiacs these scientists...12 years of college and all the sudden L.A. is the only thing movin...what effin part of the continental shifting of plates did your ass sleep thru...hey I never went to college but thru the magic of eyesight and cognitive thinking I have determined that water levels in Lake Michigan are rapidly declining...'But Kevin...(you might ask)...how can this be so, there hasn't been any scientific finding posted explaining this huge loss of water...how can you be so sure' well my friends it's simple...we have beaches where there used to be boat launches...DUH!!!
1/5 of an inch per year - SERIOUSLY!!
Well that explains it all...more of our taxpayers money put to good use...the illegal immigrant infestation problem in Southern Cali has gotten so bad that the land itself is making a run (in millenial terms) for Arizona...unfortunately as slow and lazy as our siesta taking global siblings of the south are, they should be in Flagstaff and/or Phoenix by the time L.A. gets there in the year 12,356...these dumb assed data gatherin expeditions need to start being independantly funded...do you wanna know when the next Tsunami is gonna hit...build your house on a mountain and you won't hafta concern yourself with giant walls of water inundating your living room...how long before the next earthquake swallows my house...if ya live in L.A. I wouldn't worry about it, you're all on the move to safer soil, just bare with it a couple hundred generations...what a bunch of brainiacs these scientists...12 years of college and all the sudden L.A. is the only thing movin...what effin part of the continental shifting of plates did your ass sleep thru...hey I never went to college but thru the magic of eyesight and cognitive thinking I have determined that water levels in Lake Michigan are rapidly declining...'But Kevin...(you might ask)...how can this be so, there hasn't been any scientific finding posted explaining this huge loss of water...how can you be so sure' well my friends it's simple...we have beaches where there used to be boat launches...DUH!!!
An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
Is that what made him great?
As a matter of fact it is what made him Great...can you imagine rising to power thru the magic of fits and seizures...I mean even as a child on the playground little Alex must have struck fear in the hearts of his friends, enemies, and the lunchroom bully when he would just flip wig and start floppin around like a fish out of water...later in life as he grew into power and started conquering the world, the epileptic fits and seizures served him well, especially on the field of war, mid battle you drop to the ground as if wounded, arms and legs flailing, foaming at the mouth, just as your fellow soldiers and enemies stop to watch you perish, you hop back up and take them by surprise...it was at this time Alex began to attempt nicknames...Alex the epileptic...Alex the Elusive...Almighty Alex...Spastic Al...Xander the Zippy...The Magnificent Macedonian...as you can see most of the nicknames didn't stick and for good reason...none of those strike fear into the hearts of enemies...hell most of them sound like cheap parlor trick magician names...but Alexander the Great now thats just downright intimidating...follow that up with a little episode that looks like a combination of a 2 year old throwin a tantrum and a woman table hoppin from a mouse...Scary!!!
Is that what made him great?
As a matter of fact it is what made him Great...can you imagine rising to power thru the magic of fits and seizures...I mean even as a child on the playground little Alex must have struck fear in the hearts of his friends, enemies, and the lunchroom bully when he would just flip wig and start floppin around like a fish out of water...later in life as he grew into power and started conquering the world, the epileptic fits and seizures served him well, especially on the field of war, mid battle you drop to the ground as if wounded, arms and legs flailing, foaming at the mouth, just as your fellow soldiers and enemies stop to watch you perish, you hop back up and take them by surprise...it was at this time Alex began to attempt nicknames...Alex the epileptic...Alex the Elusive...Almighty Alex...Spastic Al...Xander the Zippy...The Magnificent Macedonian...as you can see most of the nicknames didn't stick and for good reason...none of those strike fear into the hearts of enemies...hell most of them sound like cheap parlor trick magician names...but Alexander the Great now thats just downright intimidating...follow that up with a little episode that looks like a combination of a 2 year old throwin a tantrum and a woman table hoppin from a mouse...Scary!!!
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