COLOR BLIND HYGIENE HABITS

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones...

This makes absolutely NO sense...sure toothbrushes come in an abundance of colors these days...they're NOT all identical like their bamboo and boar hair bristled cousins from ancient Chinese antiquity...and people do tend to have a favorite color preference when selecting objects for personal use or possession...but in order to make a statement of this nature and have it stand up to intense scrutiny you would need to conduct a statistical data collecting survey of global proportions...I hate when these idiots spend five minutes in the personal hygiene department of a general merchandise store watching the shopping habits of a few consumers before making uneducated and misinforming assumptions of this nature...it just promotes laziness...a lack of effort...and a complete lapse of logical thinking among those that stumble across the shit they provide...how do they know that outta the 10 people they watched buy a blue toothbrush...5 of them weren't color blind...2 of them didn't give a shit about color they were more concerned with style, shape and configuration of the bristles...and that the other 3 couldn't find the hue from the color palette they truly desired...DUMBASSES...now... had this mental equivalent of a midget mud wrestler made a statement such as...'More people use blue tooth devices than red ones'...I'd praise them for their propensity to point out the obvious...of course more people use blue tooth devices than red ones...because NOBODY has decided to establish new technology of a similar nature under a different color combination...and the name of the color in this situation does not actually refer to the shade of the device...as I work from home...and often have the T.V. on in the background for noise pollution...I tend to witness an abundance of advertisements during commercial breaks...and by the looks of all the enticements I see for veneers and dentures...crowns and caps...new innovative dental procedures...whitening strips and techniques...I'd venture to say that MORE people neglect using a toothbrush of any color altogether...personally I hate dentists...dental offices...or anything to do with professional oral corrective procedures...those asshats apparently take a barbaric butchering class as part of their studies...you'd think after several years in practice they would have come up with a way to perform painless techniques that don't leave you droolin' all over your damn dungarees...or cause you to produce denim diamonds when your sphincter slams shut every time they drum up the drill...you know how some people have an absurd fear of clowns...well dentists are the things that make my dreams turn to nightmares...and make NO mistake about it...I do NOT have one of those shiny Hollywood grills you see on the silver screen...bar room brawls...roller hockey fights...and joining the USAF took care of that...I didn't have a cavity in my cranium until I enlisted in the service...after which I soon learned what it meant to be government property...we were forced to visit the dentist for a checkup regularly...and in many cases...Yours Truly among them...used as guinea pigs for training new officers as dentists...even if you used an assortment of toothbrushes that encompassed the entire spectrum of the rainbow...and brushed your teeth to the point you were in jeopardy of wearing away enamel...you were going to have a cavity that needed filling...they don't care how pristine your puss is...they need practice dummies to perfect their horrific techniques...before they depart the service themselves and make a small fortune carving holes in the oral bones of civilian citizens...ya know who this information is useful for???  FOLLOWERS...COPYCATS...PEOPLE that can't make a decision for themselves... real people are less concerned with the color of their dental decontaminating device than they are with the comfort and performance of the piece...don't act like the rest of these idiots and subscribe to pack animal mentality...separate yourself from the herd and think for yourself!!!

NOT YOUR EVERYDAY JUICY FRUIT!!!

The oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9,000 years old...

While that is an interesting morsel of information...it leaves one very obvious question unanswered... has it been used or is it still in a wrapper...because honestly...any wadded up piece of bubble gum stuck to the underside of a classroom desk will look like it's 9,000 years old...wanna test this little theory out???  Who has been given credit for inventing chewing gum??? Here's a hint...it wasn't some ancient Egyptian mummy...or other worldly being from the times of antiquity...it was John B. Curtis or Thomas Adams in the late 19th Century...depending on who you ask...which pretty much kicks a wide hole in the ass of this information doesn't it...prior to this invention indigenous people around the planet found plant matter and material to use for their mind numbing monotonous masticating habits...the Greeks called their material Mastiche which they derived from the resin of the Mastic tree...NOTTA gum...but a ball of resin...the Mayans sucked on sap from the sapodilla tree and chewed on it laboriously throughout the day...now IDK about the rest of you folks but if my Juicy Fruit tasted like nasty old tree sap I doubt very seriously they would retain my interest as a gum chomping connoisseur...I am personally amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to dream and drum up a new idea...at some point in human history...apparently across several ethnicities the village idiot of the bunch decided to stick tree sap on their tongue...what would possess a person to do this... common sense should be enough to indicate that the viscosity of the fluid emanating from a tree is much thicker than water...so it wasn't in an attempt to quench thirst...which I could understand...even if I couldn't accept it as plausible...you know what causes animated creatures to take such actions??? Curiosity...for the most part...especially early on...when ignorance was a blessing...and technology didn't interfere with ill-advised research and discovery practices...most of these people had one thing in common...even the native North American Indians that chewed on sap from spruce trees...the desire to find mind or mood altering substances in nature...they knew what animals could provide valuable life sustaining food sources...they were also aware of what kinds of vegetation were edible and which were toxic or poisonous...STOP for a second and think about that...let's take one group from the above mentioned list...what is the stereotype associated with native American Indian tribes???  That's right...they are most commonly linked to being the earliest peyote eating alcoholics on this continent...it goes without saying that peyote was more prevalent in tribal settings than alcohol before settlers arrived on the eastern seaboard...and how do stereotypes come into being???  through the obvious and repetitive actions of a given group within a society...they are famous in the modern era for bringing bows and arrows to a gunfight...losing said encounters on the battle field and being granted massive amounts of land that they can live on outside the laws that affect the rest of us...you and I do NOT apply stereotypes to them...THEIR ACTIONS do that all by themselves...so one would be safe in assuming that the invention of gum resulted from the haphazard search for hallucinogens...either that...or Pocahontas dropped the papoose causing Little Feather to have a head injury that wouldn't be recognized until he was found foaming at the mouth beneath a sap secreting Spruce...and guess what???  That isn't even the worst part of the scenario...the gum chewing champion of misinformation that elected to defile their family name by submitting this abundance of ignorance...has no excuse for existing...any gum chewing goofball with Google coulda figured out the facts with five minutes of research...which brings me to the dismantling of yet another common household phrase..."It takes a village to raise a child"...what horseshit...it is the responsibility of the additional villagers to persecute the idiots among them and remove them from the collective gene pool...as soon as villagers discontinue raising ignorant offspring that drink from a well familiar to only one family...then DUMBASSES like Dubya won't have the opportunity to murdelate words...facts and opinions...wake up people...witnessing an idiot in the wild is a prime opportunity to get on board with my...Banish the butt nugget breathers program...I mean seriously...who on Earth has ever heard of a..."Survival of the fittest" format...that involves facilitating excuses for saving those that have fallen off the damn turnip truck...perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I do NOT have political aspirations...I can't imagine what it would be like to live on a planet where everyone was required to have an IQ equal to or higher than their age!!!

RAIN BOOT WRANGLING!!!

The World Record for Rain Boot tossing is 179.14 feet...

Well now isn't that interesting...I can think of two professional football teams that could use this record holder...one happens to be in Detroit and the other in Dallas...and although Detroit finished with a far worse record for the season than the Cowboys did...the citizens of Dallas are NOT as attuned to suffering long periods of mediocrity...so they get first dibs on this Dilbert...whoever it is...I don't get it really...why is it that in this day and age ANYONE with half a banana for a brain can set a World Record doing something NOBODY else ever thought of???  I mean...am I missing something here???  Is there an International Rain Boot Tossing Championship???  NO...NOT even in the Special Olympics...which can ONLY mean one thing...this individual stands alone on the Podium of Patheticism...World Record holders should be common household names...ANYONE know who the current Rain Boot tossing turdball is??? EXACTLY...and I hafta jump up on my own soapbox here for a minute...because in my lifetime sports idols and icons from all corners of the sports industry were subject to some of the most intense anti-doping testing on the planet...just take a look at current events...Lance Armstrong ring a bell???  He's all over the news for finally coming forward and admitting he had BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS as part of his battle with TESTICLE CANCER...what a cheating bastard...he decided to try and SURVIVE at all costs...and IDGAF if he took steroids or performance enhancing drugs to ensure the longevity of life...or if he did it simply because he wanted to gain and maintain an edge on the competition...look it's very very simple...major sports franchises focus on one simple factor...WINNING...well everywhere but in Detroit...all competitive endeavors...sports...war...business...revolve around a common goal...to WIN at all costs...Imma huge fan of several different sports...Football...Baseball...Hockey...Golf...Surfing...just to name a few...and I hafta be honest...especially where baseball is concerned...I would rather go to a game and see someone like Mark McGuire or Barry Bonds hit a thundering shot over the right field stadium wall and out into the SF Bay any given day...because it enhances the experience of going to the game...if I'm gonna be sitting in the stands...paying $8.00 for a 50 cent hotdog...$10.00 for an 8oz. cup of beer that's ONLY 3/4 full...you better put a product on the field that makes me wanna come back for more...I think it was assinine and blasphemous for the BBWAA to neglect the opportunity to enshrine ANY player into the Hall of Fame this year...the basic theory of anti-doping testing is to keep the games clean and pure...to provide a LEVEL playing field for everyone that makes the Grand Stage...whadda bunch of BULLSHIT...one of the claims being made is that HGH and Creatine supplements that players like Mark and Barry supposedly took...and really there is NO doubt that either of them took these drugs...just look at their Rookie Cards compared to the ones issued for their final seasons...both were twigs when they made the majors...and MAMMOTHS when they left...anyway baseball gurus believe these supplements not only caused abnormal muscle growth but also assisted these players with enhanced vision capabilities...they were able to SEE the ball better than others...SFW ( So F**kin' What)...how many OTHER players wear glasses??? and here's the thing that REALLY pisses me off with the whole baseball HOF system...they don't wanna damage the game by including modern day drugged players in the hallowed halls of the Big House in Cooperstown because they CHEATED...how many pitchers from the past have made it into the hall of fame...dozens...if not hundreds...and while these players may or may not have been using drugs...it wasn't tested for back then...imagine that...but what they did do was use EVERY trick of the trade at their disposal...lubricating the ball with vaseline...spit...whatever they could come up wiith..and for what???  To get an advantage over the opposing teams hitters...it doesn't matter if it's drugs or material modifications...CHEATING is CHEATING...and there isn't ONE single person involved with a competitive endeavor that ISN'T looking for an advantage...if you are NOT cheating you are NOT playing to win...I mean hell I even cheat when I can...as a matter of fact I just finished my first Do It Yourself eBook...it's blank and comes with a pen!!!

A SEXUAL SUCCESS STORY

John Harvey Kellogg thought sex led to leprosy, tuberculosis, heart disease, epilepsy, dimness of vision, insanity, idiocy, and death, so he created Corn Flakes as a food designed to promote health and decrease interest in sex...

and there ya have it folks... a fabulous fable about forbidding f**kery of any nature...and let's be honest here...this can be seen as nothing more than a success story...because NOBODY in the history of cereal killers has ever scarfed down a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes...and thought to themselves...Boy I'd sure like to plug the soft velvety patch of garden beneath those knickers... why???  Because Corn Flakes are eaten by old people...you know...like some of my readers...who are so damn old they couldn't get that soldier to stand at attention if they propped him up with both attached duffel bags...a handful of popsicle sticks and a roll of duct tape...you have NO business thinking about sex as anything more than a distant memory...so when the little lady wants to get frisky after the age of fifty...eat a big old bowl of Corn Flakes and take a nice little afternoon nap...seriously though...ya know who thinks that sex leads to leprosy...TB...heart disease...epilepsy...loss of vision...insanity...idiocy and even death???  Two kinds of people...very intelligent salesman that have a product they would like to promote as a snake oil type solution to cover a multitude of mental as well as physical health issues...and those that possess OCD in one or more forms...I mean you hafta stop and consider for a moment the absolute genius behind Mr. Kellogg's claims...especially given the social climate of the time...very little was known about many of these health issues when John Harvey came up with Corn Flakes...which I might take a moment to mention...are the BLANDEST...most TASTELESS forms of cereal on the market...you hafta assume that when they were initially launched the target audience was minimal...children didn't like them then and still don't know...adults didn't like them because there is more flavor in the cardboard box they came in...and old people didn't want them either...so whaddaya do with a product destined to fail???  You use the oldest device in the bartering bag of tricks...you enhance the image of your product by making it appear useful and necessary...you advertise it as a preventative product...who at that time wouldn't believe some of these claims...leprosy involves rotting...decaying sores of the flesh that scab over and fall off...somewhat similar to certain strains of herpes...TB causes shortness of breath...rapid intake of air in a wheeze sucking motion...depending on your deviant sexual desires and your current partner and level of performance...if done correctly sex results in these same symptoms...heart disease???  Who hasn't has that one simply blissful moment when they thought their heart was just going to explode from all of the excitement and exercise...epilepsy consists of erratic and unscheduled convulsive episodes...multi-orgasmic women who are enjoying the current sexual session can exhibit these same characteristics...it can sometimes be enhanced even further through the use of alcohol...marijuana and certain twisted sexual devices such as electric shocking nipple clips and vibrating penis rings...(psst...now is the perfect time to look at the face of someone else reading this tidbit...if they are redder than Rudolph's nose after a three week bender...they use these things in the bedroom)...dimness of vision...sex itself does not normally cause dimness of vision unless you are mating with a malnourished desert dweller...it does however...on occasion...cause one of the participants to pray for blindness...this usually occurs when you leave the bar at 2am with what you think is a perfect 10...only to wake up at 10am lying next to a solid 2...especially if your arm happens to be wrapped underneath IT...kinda wanna make ya gnaw that particular limb off just to avoid waking her up...be careful though...you'll hafta gnaw the other arm off so she doesn't eventually wake up and start searching for a one armed man...insanity and idiocy go hand in hand...both groups of people drool all over themselves and others...they make retarded comments as a standard form of communication...great sex causes the same traits to pop up...you'll know you've been more than satisfying if she hasta change the pillow cases...or starts screaming out sentences that make you think she has tourettes...and death involves the absence of life...which can also be associated with sex...you self pleasuring masturbatory types should know all about necrophilia...you've been mating with an inanimate object for most of your lives...and NO...NEITHER of your hands constitutes a living organism...listen if you die from having sex...it doesn't matter how old you are...you should be heralded as an icon...cuz let's face it...there are a million ways a person could pass away painfully...but firing off a final load isn't one of them...I hope I made your day!!!

ALCOHOLICS & AUTOMOBILES!!!

Jack Daniels bottles are slanted to keep them from sliding out from underneath the car seat when pulled over by police...

Okay...before we get started with the tortuous toddler minded tidbit...I have some very exciting new to share with all of you...who have been faithful readers for so long...and supported me mentally...if NOT always financially...I applied for an editor's position with a company that boasts over 1,000 digital and physical print magazines...I did this without the hope of even being considered...since I did NOT possess the same overpriced shiny pieces of paper as the rest of the applicants that were also applying...as part of the application process I was given an article to EDIT and spice up...out of over 90+ highly qualified...and I might add...at this moment probably VERY upset...individuals that were vying for this position...the EDITED article I submitted warranted a response in the form of an initial phone interview...at the scheduled time of the interview I received a call from the employer...the interview was extremely brief...and I was informed that we would have to reschedule the remainder of the interview for later that afternoon or evening...(did you hear the death bell toll...I sure did...figured that was the last I would hear from them and that they had decided to accept someone else...needless to say the rest of that day passed without a return call...I woke up the following morning...which was Wednesday of this week...and checked my email as I normally do to see if I had landed any other projects to occupy my time with...the first email I noticed was from the company that I had applied to...(yeah...that's what I thought too...you SOB...couldn't even tell me on the phone that you were gonna go with someone else more qualified)...instead it was an email informing me they had heard enough and that I was hired...with zip file attached...so as of now I am NO longer bidding on useless projects that pay very little...I will be working 40 hours a week and then some for a modest hourly rate for the rest of this month...the phone call I received today...after turning in a few of my initial assignments informed that as soon as next month they would like to discuss offering me a salaried position...what's the moral of this story???  PERSEVERANCE!!!  NEVER...NEVER... NEVER sell yourself short or give up...NOW...about this idiot with the misinformation about alcohol containers...if a bottle were specifically designed to prevent a sliding effect when a vehicle is being brought to a STOP after being pulled over by the police...it stands to reason the damn thing wouldn't have fit under there in the first place...it's really rather simple...IF something fits into a vacant location...it WILL be able to be removed...provided it doesn't have the possibility of swelling or expanding...have another drink there ree ree...and here's the real kicker that proves this moron's mother is the ONLY one that could love them..it is NOT illegal to drive a vehicle with a bottle of alcohol in it...it's ONLY illegal to drive after drinking from the bottle itself...you DUMBASS...here's a novel idea...maybe the bottle was designed as NOTHING more than a way to transport smaller quantities of liquor as opposed to the whole damn barrel...having been an imbiber of this spirited beverage from time to time and knowing a little more about history than this mental midget will EVER be able to figure out...the Jack Daniels Distillery came into existence in 1866...at least 3 decades before ANYONE could even think of drinking and driving...since the automobile was a figment of the imagination in 1866...and seein how fire water was a huge bargaining tool with the native indigenous tribal people of America at that time...it ONLY made sense to modify how it was distributed...rather than trade a whole barrel for a couple of rifles...distributors and bartering agents could get more for their booze in return for the trade...you know what will keep a Jack Daniels bottle from sliding out from underneath the seat if you should get pulled over...STORE it in the trunk...take it from me...I've witnessed this technique firsthand while riding in a vehicle with an individual that personified alcoholism to a 'T'...although they were not actually driving the vehicle...it was their preferred method of travel...when they were sober enough to enter a vehicle of their own accord...listen...if you're driving around with a bottle of Jack Daniels under the driver's seat of your vehicle...you have far greater problems than worrying about being pulled over by the police...like being scraped up off the freeway at some point...have a great weekend folks!!!

METAL MOUTH MAGIC!!!

Sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.0...

...and if it were that easy to get away with drinking and driving our court systems and jails would be clean...empty places...DUMBASS...first of all the breathalyzer is just ONE of many devices at the disposal of your local yokel at the Law Enforcement facility...especially in this day and age...it is the LAST test given to establish the LEVEL of alcohol in your system...it has NOTHING to do with proving you ARE drunk...stumbling...falling...slurred speech...an inability to remain cognitive during the thought process...as well as an HGN (Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus) Test is enough to establish that you are intoxicated to a point deemed unacceptable for safe operation of a motor vehicle...and if you happen to have gotten into an accident as a result of being intoxicated...that old copper penny trick isn't gonna provide you any gratification...cuz it doesn't work when they draw your BLOOD...which always happens when a trip to the hospital follows an incident of this nature...having worked on that side of the fence while serving in the USAF I can assure you that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you are going to submit to a breathalyzer test while you have a penny in your mouth...NOT only are they going to check for such an item...but if one is found they are going to tack on additional charges...which in your drunken state may NOT seem all that important...but trust me...the next day it's gonna matter...NOW...depending on the gender of the intoxicated driver...in comparison to that of the officer making the traffic stop...it may be possible to suck on other things and eliminate the breathalyzer and DUI offense from ever occurring...that you will hafta take the chance to discover for yourself...there are several ways to foil the breathalyzer through using foreign objects...and lemme assure you...those asshats in uniform...they know all of the tricks...I can get a breathalyzer to register 0.80...which should be impossible...since registering 0.40 is usually considered walking with the dead...and here's the kicker...I do NOT hafta ingest any alcohol to perform this little function...if you gargle mouthwash and spit it out...grab the nozzle and blow...you'll spin heads when the numbers start spittin' out...which is why they don't let you do something of that nature prior to testing you...they SEARCH you...not only for their own personal safety...but also to ensure that you are NOT trying to circumvent the procedure...I used to love it when some drunken sot had finished off enough liquid courage to try something STUPID like this...especially when I was in the Air Force...since the people we were arresting for drunk driving offenses were military people...they were military property...and when they tried to fool the master I just slapped the handcuffs back on them...walked them out to the car and headed to the hospital...to have their blood drawn...which folks...ALWAYS...ALWAYS...ALWAYS...registers a higher reading than the breathalyzer will...and therefore makes the case STICK better when they are sentenced...didn't hafta ask for permission...wait for a warrant...NONE of that stuff...we were government property...less rights than those we were serving to protect...go figure...and god forbid you had something in the vehicle that triggered the necessity for a search...or got ignorant enough to decide LOCKING your car would be a good way to keep MILITARY POLICE out of it...because privately owned or not...it is sitting on government property...and EVERYTHING on government property IS government property...you got one chance to hand over the keys and unlock the doors...after that you were gonna be replacing windows...and to make matters even worse...if we had to..."ACCESS the vehicle without the proper implements"...which is how we put it in the police blotter...then your ass was gonna need to getta degree in vehicle repair...we would literally dismantle the vehicle down to the shell and let you put it back together at your own leisure...in this day and age...guess what all of those police vehicles have in them...STANDARD...VIDEO CAMERAS...those nifty little devices that capture smooth flowing images of your drunken ass...being a drunken ass...all damning and damaging evidence to have displayed in a court of law...you hafta keep in mind...you are NOT the ONLY DIPSHIDIOT on Earth that has tried to pull the wool over a police officer's eyes...you might be the first to dream up a new idea...or a vividly imaginative technique...but rest assured...you are NOT going to fool each and every one of the tests they place you through...the ONLY hope you have of being let go and having all charges dropped is if you are a diabetic...short of that...the neat little lazy loophole idea that are floating through your head will soon be replaced with DUMBASS excuses you plan on offering when you face the judge...here's a novel idea...ONE that is 100% GUARANTEED to make a breathalyzer register 0.0...STOP SUCKING on straws that are sticking out of fruity cocktails that contain alcohol...especially if you are going to be driving...I've been guilty of it a time or two myself...NOT something I am proud of...now I seldom if ever have a drink in public...because COPS are CORRUPT...IDGAF what anyone else says...I've been one...so I KNOW FIRSTHAND...civilian cops especially...they go to the bars when they are off duty...dressed in civvies...and call in drunk drivers to their partners who are patrolling the streets outside the bar like vultures waiting to pounce on a rotting carcass...of course you can't PROVE this in a court of law...but it does happen...that's why you should always use a designated driver...or at the very least a designated decoy...pick someone that is going to remain completely sober...let them leave the bar first...have them stumble out to their car so the cops can see that they look intoxicated...instruct them to spend several minutes trying to get the key in the slot...make sure they holler a few obscenities just for character...once they get in the car they need to weave back and forth through the parking lot...make a couple sudden stop and goes...then head out into traffic...the cops that are lying in wait will pull them over and EVERYONE else can get home safely...I know...I know...where does he come up with this stuff...trust me...being a cop in the Air Force was the LONGEST 4 years of my life...humorless buncha pricks anyway...don't drink and drive...cab fare is far cheaper than court costs ever were!!!

INDUSRIAL INSECT ISSUES!!!

A mosquito has 47 teeth...

IDK about you folks...but I for one am simply ecstatic to have discovered this completely USEFUL information...and in such a timely fashion as well...why just this afternoon I was giving serious consideration to becoming an Industrial Insect Orthodontist...damn glad I didn't go wasting all my money on that endeavor...piss on that...who wants to waste countless hours trying to configure oral devices for dumbass blood sucking metal mouth mosquitoes anyway???  Good damn thing I have time to change my course of study...I can't imagine having a room full of patients that are just going to try my PATIENCE...maybe I'll divert and become a political proctologist...less time consuming work removing over sized craniums from the caca cavity...or maybe I should invest my time in studying the fine art of combing fly follicles...hairstyles for the honey bees and other flying dung eating dipshit insects..I would concentrate all of my studies on curing STUPIDITY...but considering the fact that more people suffer from IGNORANCE than from CANCER...I doubt I would be anymore successful than those morons over in the medical community at concocting a cure that didn't involve a well sealed coffin...I'm completely baffled by what compelled this colossal colostomy bag connoisseur to come up with the idea of placing this on the internet...I think these people should have to verify their identity and place it next to their postings...that way we could target them in the real world for immediate removal...I can't think of one single person or career field that requires this type of knowledge to be capable of being a functioning member of society...it therefore must have fallen from the lips of one of those people in the education sector...who like to try to appear smarter than their colleagues...I mean seriously...what possible benefit can be gleaned from this information???  That's right...NONE...since mosquitoes do NOT chew on Human flesh...they imbed their needle like beaks and drink from the blood...and here's a neat little trick you can try..that the scientific community probably hasn't invested money in researching...the next time a mosquito lands on your body and begins to take a sip of the sweet nectar in your veins...avoid knocking your eyeballs from their sockets...(MOM...unfortunately this applies to you)...do NOT swat the insect...let it get into the feast...and then simply tense the muscles in the affected area...keep them flexed until the very end... (But Kevin...how will we know when the end has arrived???)  You will know when that time comes because the tiny insect sucking on your blood will begin to bloat uncontrollably right before your very eyes...before culminating in a spontaneous combustion that sprays your blood and insect body parts all over your arm...leg...neck or what have you...when you tense the muscles of the affected area the beak of the mosquito becomes trapped in the flesh and forces the continued flow of blood from your body through their needle nose until you either relax or they explode...and here's the funny part...I skipped a science class to get high with some friends while living in Hawai'i when I discovered that little torture technique...NO microscope or reading of STUPID subject matter was necessary in this experiment...pure accident and happenstance provided me with results that didn't cost a dime in research money...I'll tell ya...and for all of you people who enjoy and appreciate the great outdoors yet have an adversity to insects of the mosquito variety...STOP using those man made products to repel flying blood sucking insects...they make you smell like unwashed elephant ass...PAY ATTENTION to nature...the habitat for a mosquito is the same all over the planet...they are attracted to swampy areas and stagnant water supplies...marshy moist soil solutions...avoid those places and you will avoid mosquitoes...if NOTHING else light yourself on fire...they absolutely detest the abundance of heat and smell of burning flesh!!!

RUSTY ROMAN DIET REGIMENS!!!

During the Roman Empire, the Romans used lead as a sweetening agent...

Lemme ask you a very simple question...How ass-tastic does your regular food hafta taste before you start looking for a metallic mouth watering meltable solution for sweetening that shit up...I think I'd try my hand at eating the unwashed ass of a water buffalo before I'd start swallowing massive amounts of lead to modify the taste of the stuff I was about to ingest...I mean seriously...if the fowl is that foul...don't eat it...feed it to the dogs...this tidbit probably says alot more about why the Roman Empire eventually vanished rather than survived to the modern era...seeing as how lead was the primary resource for tools...weapons of war...and apparently an addition to the appetite...eventually one source is going to outweigh the other...you can't eat the same material you use to build weapons of war...because eventually your heavier than normal ass is gonna run out of enough supply to manufacture the tools necessary to defend yourself when all you have conquered begin to rebel...I don't really understand the use of lead as a sweetener...have ya ever stuck the business end of a pencil in your mouth accidentally???  NOT an event you are likely to forget...or repeat anytime soon...and why lead...it isn't one of the more precious metals...or even one of the shinier ones...now I know that the people of that time didn't have the knowledge regarding harmful and toxic materials that were unfit for human consumption...but come on...what's the one thing you think of when you envision Julius Caesar...or any Roman Emperor for that matter...you see them sitting on a lush lavish seating arrangement...sucking down wine and grapes...ya gotta figure they understood the difference between what was SWEET and what was metallic...I mean seriously folks...ya don't see us runnin around all cannibalistic chomping on the heads of politicians do ya???  NO...and why???  Because they are the things that promote our war mongering government...if we ate them we wouldn't be able to infiltrate foreign countries and insist they implement a "democratic" society...which we are incapable of achieving here at home...and yes folks...believe it or NOT...we ARE attempting to establish a New World Order...IDGAF what they say...WE just happen to have people gifted enough to launch a global war in the fight against TERRORISM...a nameless...faceless entity that is found on five of the seven continents that make up the surface of this planet...throughout all of previous human history...the Roman Empire included...when countries engaged in war there were two identifiable sides to the situation...allies and enemies...LISTEN to what your own government is telling you...NOT so much in words...BUT in actions..."You either stand with us...or you stand against us"... a Declaration of War on everyone living on this planet regardless of citizenship...they even want you to hand over your GUNS quietly and conveniently...you know what type of government does that to it's citizens???  Those that FEAR an uprising from its citizens...a DICTATORSHIP...America has become the Home of the Hypocrites and the Land of the Slaves...how many actual freedoms do you enjoy taxpayers???   Less than you can count on your left hand...let's define FREEDOM...(an item or idea that CANNOT be taken from you)...every time they pass a law it is for one purpose and one purpose ONLY...to restrict the 'freedoms' they allow you to enjoy...there are but two things that are truly FREE in life...the air you breathe...and the ideas that float through your little head...outside of that you have a list of RESTRICTIONS you hafta abide by in order to remain FREE to think and breathe for yourself...and why do we promote war over peace???  For the same reasons the lead sucking sweethearts in Rome did...because WE want to RULE the world...here's some food for thought...WWI lasted from 1914-1918...WWII lasted from 1939-1945...4 years and 6 years respectively...why???  Because we had a KNOWN target...the end of war was therefore inevitable...one side would WIN...and the other side would lose...how long has the WAR ON TERRORISM lasted???  Over a decade...beginning on 9-11-01 and continuing through to this day...how much longer will it last???  ETERNALLY...because you CANNOT win a war against and unseen force...what you can do is ensure that all of the Defense Contracting Companies you own stock in continue to prosper while the rest of the economic industry crumbles by the way side...it creates a gap in society that will NEVER be bridged...I'm almost shocked they haven't made it mandatory to reinstall lead based paint and force us to feed paint chips to our children...NOW I know what some of you are thinking...the War on TERRORISM is a necessary endeavor for us to be spearheading...that there are people on this planet that are unable to protect themselves from the forces of evil they are suffering through...BULLSHIT...I'm all for helping out friends... family members...associates...fellow citizens...and what have you...but ONLY to a certain point...you may be destitute...dirty...unshaven...unwashed...illegitimate and ignorant beyond belief...but if you were born with two feet and do NOT like the place in which you live...STOP calling us for help and START walkin your ass to a new country...look times are tough all over...DICTATORS rule by force because the rest of their countryfolk are idiots who STAY put...if they left their home country in a massive exodus...dipshits like Saddam Hussein would have NOTHING to DICTATE over...defeating TERRORISM does NOT require the loss of life from sacrificial soldiers...it requires a couple of big f**kin' boats and logical thinking...something the Roman Empire was incapable of accomplishing...and that are own government has yet to figure out...I mean hell...the last Roman Empire fell around 476 AD...presumably from an abundance of lead poisoning rather than an inability to continue conquering foreign countries...and it only took our elected idiots up until 1977 to ban it from use in our country...a staggering 1501 year period...unfortunately our government continues to perform more TERRORIST acts on its own citizens than any other group...cell or entity on the planet...the problem is...it will take the American public another 1501 years to figure that shit out...and by then we'd all probably be better off licking a lead off a lettuce flavored popsicle!!!

THOSE FOOLISH FRENCHIES!!!

In France, it is illegal to marry a dead person...

IDK how many of you have ever visited France...or any other neighboring European country...but there is a legitimate reason some of our ancestors and founding fathers vacated their original countries to land on the shores of America...they didn't have a fear of soap and daily bathing practices...that's one of the reasons you can't marry a dead person in France...they have better overall personal hygiene...ya ever wonder why France is heralded as the Wonderful World of Wafting...the Planet's Prodigious Perfume Producer...it's because they can't manufacture gas masks that will stifle the stench of walking rotting flesh...IDK get it...why would you...as a country...develop a mastery of manufacturing after bath products that are designed to make you smell prettier...if you don't bathe in the first place...it's kinda like startin' a clothing company in a nudist colony...what would be the point...really doesn't make alotta sense when you stop to think about it...you can't marry a dead person...yet you can have them cremated and kept in a container on the mantle...a commitment that...in this day and age...would normally last longer than a marriage to an actual living being...WTF...seriously...I think MEN in particular would welcome the opportunity to marry a dead woman...less bitching...no television interference or hunny do lists during sports seasons...no back seat naggravating while driving down the road...you can practice polygamy by marrying other dead women and NEVER hafta worry about being caught or labeled a cheater...the benefits are endless...ya get tired of one the divorce proceedings will be significantly easier to accomplish and you get to KEEP everything you worked so hard for...I mean sure it has it's drawbacks...ya still hafta cook and clean for yourself...but if you end up moving to America and becoming a citizen in certain states or counties within the country...you may be entitled to an extra vote come election time...an advantage some of the ACTUAL living and fighting citizens of this country are NOT entitled to...you'll also get more social security than you would normally be entitled to...a larger tax return annually...hell you'll fit right in with the American Dream...which has NOTHING to do with freedom and capitalism...but rather the time honored tradition of manipulating the masses of mindless minions into believing you are doin NOTHING wrong according to the laws which govern the destruction of the last Great Empire on Earth...tragic really when you think about it...the majority of us do NOT know how to speak or understand Mandarin...but our Great grandchildren will...as will those of the undead wedded Frenchies...apparently the Chinese are uninterested in marrying dead people as it tends to disrupt the over population of the planet program they have instituted to establish their own New World Order that has NOTHING to do with Free Masons...and it is a program that is working very well I might add...you don't see any country on the planet pointing fingers at the Chinese and tossing around fighting words do ya???  NO...because you cannot conquer a country that has more people than you have bullets to bury...hell rabbits do NOT procreate that rapidly...but seriously...you wanna know the real reason the French are NOT allowed to wed the dead???  Two reasons really...#1)  The only famous people from France are already DEAD...can't have ya tagging along on the accomplishments of someone else...and #2)  because DEAD French people can't fly that frilly white flag during times of war...and then where would we be...with one less country to care for...one less patch of land on the planet to come to the rescue of...and just to be fair to the females...there are advantages to marrying a DEAD guy as well...rigor mortise has a way of eliminating erectile dysfunction...at least until the flesh falls away...at which time an immediate upgrade will be necessary...I know what most of you are thinkin'...Necrophilia is considered taboo in modern American society...so was women in the workplace at one time...and look how well that has worked for us!!!

NO DOLLARS FOR DENTURES!!!

It is against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas...

Well folks...before we get started I trust you are all enjoying the aftermath of the Mayan Apocalypse mantra...unfortunately I am NOT as excited about the whole event...NOT one single person in my little village jumped off a cliff or drank Kool-aid...which can only mean that we will be furnished with plenty of ammunition from asshats for the next year...for those of you that do not follow me on facebook I have initiated a Slap Happy New Year...any time you come across a person that lacks the common sense of a shattered peanut shell...you simply SLAP the stupid right outta them...it's open season with NO bag limits...have fun with it...kids that can't seem to wear their pants above the lower thigh...get a SLAP regardless of what they are doing...same goes for lifelong Lions fans...you can just beat them with a stick...apparently they aren't gonna learn any time soon...OKAY...on with the tidbit...IDK what is scarier...that people in Las Vegas actually consider this as an option for getting a short term loan..or that you need a law in place to prevent it...apparently Las Vegas is primed for the Slap Happy New Year platform...cuz I mean seriously...what pawn shop owner would even make an offer on an item of this nature...one that does NOT want to stay in business very long...I wouldn't think a law of this sort would be necessary...you can't resell the item if you are the pawn shop owner...NOT because the law prohibits it...but because dentures are made for people on an individual basis...they won't fit correctly for someone else...for the person looking to pawn the dentures the money they receive will NOT be enough to cover the blender they will need to purchase in order to feed themselves in the future...NOT to mention if I wanted to taste what you've had for dinner the last three weeks I'd ask you to adopt me or invite me to dinner...I wouldn't try to purchase your old used dentures at the Dollars 4 Dentures Department of the local pawn shop...what's next pirates shopping at pawn shops for glass eyes to replace their patches...hell ya might as well try and sell off your table scraps if you're gonna try and get money for mouth held mechanical devices...some things do NOT require a law to protect the ignorant...just a cap full of common sense...you don't see a law in place preventing the possibility of placing a previously used prophylactic up for pawn do ya...NO... WHY???  You shouldn't hafta ask why...if ya do then you probably have no business reading from these pages in the first place...you don't see laws preventing people from offering used toilet paper products for pawn either do ya???  There's a damn good reason for this...and it applies to dentures as well...NOBODY wants to be that intimate with ANYONE else NO matter how much they love them...if I wanted to take something from your mouth and place it in my mouth I woulda been born a bird...dentures are a poor substitute for wings!!!  Now I want you folks to do me a favor...we are going to expand for the 2013 year and beyond...the basic format for this forum in the past has been for my Momma to research funny and useless facts that she finds all over the internet...she will be retiring the middle of this year and moving onto enjoy what she has so rightfully earned...FREEDOM from dealing with the f**ktards we all encounter in our daily lives...with that in mind we are going to incorporate the readers into the mix so to speak...Momma will be lightening her load and offering three useless fun facts a week for me to comment on...that means that the rest of you readers will need to fill the gap...if there is a subject you would like me to cover...a topic you find amusingly interesting yet completely useless...or if you have an item of interest you would like to hear my viewpoints on please feel free to use the comment box window to reply and offer your ideas...you can do so anonymously if you choose...you can also send me an email at chaunman2010@gmail.com and I will assure you that I will keep your identity secret from the rest of the readers...I hope everyone has an enjoyable...prosperous and healthy New Year!!!