The original story "Tales of 1001 Arabian Knights", begins: "Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy"...
OH HAPPY...HAPPY...JOY...JOY!!! Ten seconds to decipher what is fundamentally wrong with the authors tidbit...(playing music from Final Jeopardy while I wait)...Anybody??? Knights...it should be NIGHTS...I don't believe anyone of Arabian descent has ever been knighted...and even if they had...I doubt you could dig up 1001 of them worth relating a tale about...another glaring error of ethnicity is the author's claim that Aladdin was a little Chinese boy...Aladdin was a street urchin LIVING in a town in China...doesn't mean he was Chinese...anymore than this idiot author obtaining tickets to an NFL game means he's a helmet head...see what happens when a person regurgitates morsels of misinformation they overheard in a lecture on Literature...instead of READING a paragraph or two themselves...here's another indication we are sinking to new levels of stupidity with regards to what was submitted by this feeble minded floatie...'Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp'...wasn't included in the original "Tales" collection...it wasn't added til later...so to say it began with the sentence "Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy"...shows just how significant a problem we have in our education system...this idiot couldn't even follow the timeline correctly...NOW...had Aladdin been born of Chinese heritage...I'm quite sure the story woulda been entirely different...especially the name of the title character...there's NO way in hell it coulda been Aladdin...Araddin perhaps...as in 'Araddin's Wonderful Ramp'...it woulda been a tale about a poor little Chinese boy who found a 'ramp' one day while wallowing thru rice paddies...he woulda used it to make a rice wine so powerful it would've created hallucinations of a magical apparition named I.G. Knee...Araddin woulda married Princess U. Pai Nau...they woulda made their way to America...where she woulda opened a restaraunt...while he toiled away laying train tracks...probably woulda had a few dozen kids...opened a buncha dry cleaners and ruined clothes all across America...end of story...what I find interesting is that the author avoided using 'Tails'...instead of 'Tales'... then we could've blamed it all on Caligula for starting the whole annoiting of horses in positions of power fiasco and it mighta made more sense...ya know I've been guilty of misspelling a few words here and there...on more than one occassion...usually out of my overindulgent behavior associated with my favorite pasttime...LAZINESS...but I've NEVER offered an utterance I want others to take seriously...while simultaneously slaughtering the essence of the sentence...where do we get these perfectors of pronunciation... who seem capable of convoluting the words they hear into fragments of falsification...holy sheep shit batman...here's an idea...update your WINDOWS OS...bring up a second tab...get on Google...start typing the word or phrase you want to use into the search window...it WILL help keep you from revealing your ignorance to those who have found an illumination you couldn't get watching a night game beneath the stadium lights...makes me wonder...when people like this get an idea in their noggins...it must be like runnin' shit thru a strainer...in the end all they did was create more of a mess for someone else to take care of...Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy...the name Aladdin shoulda been the first clue that he wasn't Chinese...since when has Aladdin ever been considered part of the Asian nomenclature...what's next for this mental midget of Middle Eastern literature..."Ah-Li Wong-san and his 40 thieves"...about a gang of Chinese carjackers you can blindfold with dental floss...I wish I knew this legend of lost literature personally...I'd send their ignorant ass an email immediately...I'd include one word along with my definition of it...GRAMMAR... the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!!! I keep this up much longer and Disney will hafta rewrite Bambi...with yours truly taking the part of the rabbit!!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
02/23/12
In Israel religious law forbids picking your nose on the Sabbath...
Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!
Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!
02/22/12
Winston Churchill was born in a ladie's room during a dance...
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
02/21/12
The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for 'penis'...
That's GREAT...if you're using Korean television ratings to determine how awful a spin-off series can be when you involve the wrong cast of characters...but HEY...look on the bright side...at least somebody watched it...which should make the people at Fox News as giddy as a goosestepper at a GOP Convention...eventually their propanganda programming has a shot at being rated above sewer spill-over levels of acceptability...I'd be willing to bet only the pilot program of Joani Loves Chachi had any ratings whatsoever in Korea...as soon as they found out Joanie wasn't the Jewish term for 'Hot Naked Korean Housewives'...and that Scott Baio was more of a penis than the pecker in their pants...they turned the station...either that...or there's only one Korean with a TV and that was the only channel...this little tidbit does however bode well for failed pilot programs out of Hollywood...can't get an audience in the States...toss the word 'Chachi' into the title and you'll have an instant Korean Showstopper...you could bring back some of the older programs we watched as kids and make a mint...series like...'The Chachi's of Hazzard'...'The Six Million Dollar Chachi'...'Leave it to Chachi'...(altho replacing the Beaver with a Chachi might confuse young minds about their future selections regarding personal sexuality)...'Chachi's Angels'...a buncha hot female detectives taking orders from some dick hidden in a dungeon speaking thru a box...'The Chachi Van Dyke Show'...hey you say Dick...I say Chachi...same thing right??? 'Chachi's Heroes'...a buncha dildo's bouncin around in a box lookin for a way out...'I Dream of Chachi'...a gay rights activist series where Segfried and Roy take turns poppin outta the bottle...'Little Chachi on the Fairie'...how early settler's dealt with homosexuality...'Chachi Five-O'...Pecker's in Paradise..."Welcome Back Chachi"...a show with so many thoughtless thespians I'm thurprised Dubya didn't play a recurring character...(BONUS QUESTION: Who knows the name of the comedian that played Wally 'The Wow' as a member of the Sweathogs???)... Anybody??? Nobody??? George Carlin...okay...so onward and upward...Chachi P.I. ...a story about another Prick in Paradise who works as a 'private dick'...or you could go way back and redo shows like...'Lost in Chachi'...STRANGER...STRANGER...WILL ROBINSON...that's yourrr sisssss terrrr (as the Robot shuts down)...The Three Chachi's...an American vaudevillian comedy show featuring 3 tallywhackers tumbling all over each other utilizing slapstick humor...'Chachismoke'...an old western series about pistols and peckers poppin' off wherever they pointed them...you could OWN Korean Prime Time Television for decades...I don't get it honestly...Scott Baio sucked so bad at acting he probably still gets called 'Chachi' in public...and Joanie was so plain and homely if she had worn clothes that matched the couch in the Cunningham Castle you'd've never known she was there...I mean hell even John Travolta got another shot at a role after playing 'Vinnie'...what did Scott Baio get...a star outside Korea's Chachiwood Walk of Fame... WHOOPEE...seriously...it says alot about your career choice as an actor when you were so completely forgettable you didn't even make enough money to develop a drug habit...Joanie wasn't any better...she had the sex appeal of a freshly sheared sasquatch...I suppose it coulda been worse...the spin-off coulda been titled 'Ralph and Potsies Playtime'...I'm actually thinking of writing a book now that I have had the pleasure of perusing this tidbit today...I have a working title in mind...as well as a subtitle...'The Chachi Chronicles'...'a Korean Cock Tale'...it'll profile people who should have 'acted' like sheep and gotten the flock outta Hollywood...you know...like Roman Polanski did after the Manson Murders...(too far...sue me...my pocket lint's worth more than money)...I'll follow it up with...'A Trilogy of Chachi's'...in which we will examine 3 seperate career fields populated with the most promisingly pompous...proud to be a peckerhead...prick toothed puppets plodding the planet...will they reach unbeforeseen weeks standing atop the NY Times Best Seller List...I couldn't care less...I plan on selling a million copies overnight...just south of the DMZ...and guess what??? If the International Exchange rate isn't tilted in my favor by the time both books are published...I'll change my name...pack my bags...move to South Korea...and become King Long Dong Chachi...The Royal Richard Cranium...Prince of Pole Polishing...Swami of Salami Slappin'...Choker of Chickens...the peasants will parade by my palacial plantation hoping to procure a peep at a penis...and what will I show them...these faitful who flock to fascinate over a phallus...a life size photo of Scott Baio wearing a Tony Romo jersey...Two Pricks for the Price of One!!!
That's GREAT...if you're using Korean television ratings to determine how awful a spin-off series can be when you involve the wrong cast of characters...but HEY...look on the bright side...at least somebody watched it...which should make the people at Fox News as giddy as a goosestepper at a GOP Convention...eventually their propanganda programming has a shot at being rated above sewer spill-over levels of acceptability...I'd be willing to bet only the pilot program of Joani Loves Chachi had any ratings whatsoever in Korea...as soon as they found out Joanie wasn't the Jewish term for 'Hot Naked Korean Housewives'...and that Scott Baio was more of a penis than the pecker in their pants...they turned the station...either that...or there's only one Korean with a TV and that was the only channel...this little tidbit does however bode well for failed pilot programs out of Hollywood...can't get an audience in the States...toss the word 'Chachi' into the title and you'll have an instant Korean Showstopper...you could bring back some of the older programs we watched as kids and make a mint...series like...'The Chachi's of Hazzard'...'The Six Million Dollar Chachi'...'Leave it to Chachi'...(altho replacing the Beaver with a Chachi might confuse young minds about their future selections regarding personal sexuality)...'Chachi's Angels'...a buncha hot female detectives taking orders from some dick hidden in a dungeon speaking thru a box...'The Chachi Van Dyke Show'...hey you say Dick...I say Chachi...same thing right??? 'Chachi's Heroes'...a buncha dildo's bouncin around in a box lookin for a way out...'I Dream of Chachi'...a gay rights activist series where Segfried and Roy take turns poppin outta the bottle...'Little Chachi on the Fairie'...how early settler's dealt with homosexuality...'Chachi Five-O'...Pecker's in Paradise..."Welcome Back Chachi"...a show with so many thoughtless thespians I'm thurprised Dubya didn't play a recurring character...(BONUS QUESTION: Who knows the name of the comedian that played Wally 'The Wow' as a member of the Sweathogs???)... Anybody??? Nobody??? George Carlin...okay...so onward and upward...Chachi P.I. ...a story about another Prick in Paradise who works as a 'private dick'...or you could go way back and redo shows like...'Lost in Chachi'...STRANGER...STRANGER...WILL ROBINSON...that's yourrr sisssss terrrr (as the Robot shuts down)...The Three Chachi's...an American vaudevillian comedy show featuring 3 tallywhackers tumbling all over each other utilizing slapstick humor...'Chachismoke'...an old western series about pistols and peckers poppin' off wherever they pointed them...you could OWN Korean Prime Time Television for decades...I don't get it honestly...Scott Baio sucked so bad at acting he probably still gets called 'Chachi' in public...and Joanie was so plain and homely if she had worn clothes that matched the couch in the Cunningham Castle you'd've never known she was there...I mean hell even John Travolta got another shot at a role after playing 'Vinnie'...what did Scott Baio get...a star outside Korea's Chachiwood Walk of Fame... WHOOPEE...seriously...it says alot about your career choice as an actor when you were so completely forgettable you didn't even make enough money to develop a drug habit...Joanie wasn't any better...she had the sex appeal of a freshly sheared sasquatch...I suppose it coulda been worse...the spin-off coulda been titled 'Ralph and Potsies Playtime'...I'm actually thinking of writing a book now that I have had the pleasure of perusing this tidbit today...I have a working title in mind...as well as a subtitle...'The Chachi Chronicles'...'a Korean Cock Tale'...it'll profile people who should have 'acted' like sheep and gotten the flock outta Hollywood...you know...like Roman Polanski did after the Manson Murders...(too far...sue me...my pocket lint's worth more than money)...I'll follow it up with...'A Trilogy of Chachi's'...in which we will examine 3 seperate career fields populated with the most promisingly pompous...proud to be a peckerhead...prick toothed puppets plodding the planet...will they reach unbeforeseen weeks standing atop the NY Times Best Seller List...I couldn't care less...I plan on selling a million copies overnight...just south of the DMZ...and guess what??? If the International Exchange rate isn't tilted in my favor by the time both books are published...I'll change my name...pack my bags...move to South Korea...and become King Long Dong Chachi...The Royal Richard Cranium...Prince of Pole Polishing...Swami of Salami Slappin'...Choker of Chickens...the peasants will parade by my palacial plantation hoping to procure a peep at a penis...and what will I show them...these faitful who flock to fascinate over a phallus...a life size photo of Scott Baio wearing a Tony Romo jersey...Two Pricks for the Price of One!!!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
02/20/12
Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel...
I can think of a few other things in life that share a similar trait with the Revolver...Politicians are seldom able to be silenced...and if ya think the noisy gasses escaping the gap at the rear of the barrel on a revolver are loud...listen to one of these turdmongers trip the light fantastic...most of them have subliminal tapes they recorded themselves just so they can listen to themselves while they sleep...Over enthusiastic Legal Counsel...they're another buncha noisy gas passin' blowhards...if you get one of these things to quiet down prior to dying...be sure to annotate your procedures accordingly...as the Roman Catholic Church requires some sort of documentation in order to be cannonized a saint...my ass after a spicy Mexican meal...unable to be silenced at all...believe me I've tried...remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea...picture me with 10 King size mattresses strapped to my ass...and it still registers at 79 decibels...slightly lower than...someone who shall remain cloaked in secrecy...and their purported snoring capability...my children...who seem to think that the entire world revolves around them...and fire off excuses louder and quicker than last years Quick Draw Champion and his favorite six shooter...and just for the record...I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's assessment of the quieting capabilities of a revolver...I don't own a revolver presently...alth I have in the past...and I'll be completely honest with you...the best way to silence any weapon is NOT to load it...remarkably it takes on the identical charcter traits of a knick knack...pretty to look at...nice conversation piece...completely quiet whether in use or just lying around...and if you don't think it's still an effective weapon without ammo...you've obviously NEVER seen Mr. Wayne or Eastwood pistol whip some poor underpaid immigrant actor...and on a pertinent side note...revolvers are kinda like the moped...an outdated source of meeting in the middle...the moped bridges the gap between a pedal bike and a REAL motorcycle...much the same way a revolver bridges the gap between throwing stones and an automatic weapon...NOBODY uses these things anymore except out of absolute neccessity...you show up to a gunfight in this day and age...toting a revolver...and you may as well purchase a plot and get your headstone ready...you're NOT gonna be with us much longer...and I'm sure there are a few wizards of weaponry who would disagree...however most Native American historians will attest that a single fire arrow slinger was ineffective against the revolver as well as the first repeating rifle...the sad thing is...it takes far less to silence the greatest weapons of the known world...quite often it is accomplished thru defamation of character...corrupt methods of government...and as a last resort...solitary confinement...keeping those gifted with the ability of inception under wraps...or publishing sufficient bullshit material to dispute an otherwise lucid...logical thought process...it is all too common that the things needing to be silenced the most are often the loudest...most annoyingly obnoxious...gas passin' assbags to ever unneccessarily deplete the world's oxygen reserves...you have NO idea how long I have been working on my lifelong invention...the Moron Muffling System...similar to a silencer for weapons other than a revolver...you jam it down the throat of somebody desperately needing a definitive solution to spilling shit all over their shirt when they attempt to orate in public or private...once I get the damn thing perfected I'm going to offer it with other products I have in mind...in escalating packages...kinda like your local cable company and their affinity for overusing the term 'BUNDLE'...you can get just the MMS for 3 monthly installments of $1399.99...(that's $1400.00 for those of you who happen to fall for the everpresent attribute associated with misleading a consumer during the sales process)...or you can upgrade to the MMS with what I intend to label the Linguistic Liason...a device specifically suited for those still suffering from misunderstanding the stupidity ingrained in deciphering Dubya-isms...the MMS/LL package can be yours today for the low low price of 3 monthly installments of $1599.99...(PLEASE...don't make me do the math again...I toldja already it'sa trick...try and keep up)...and finally I will offer a third invention called the Intervention Interpreter...(Do people often look dazed...confused...confounded...everytime you open your garbage spewing gullet to speechify about a subject???) Then the Intervention Interpreter is right up your alley...it takes the mind wandering waste produced by the anal-optic nerve and translates it into a truth formula capable of being realized by every 2 legged thinking terra treader...the MMS/LL/II system is being offered as a one time opportunity NOT to be missed...we've priced this product so low even socially unacceptable sock puppets can participate for mere pennies on the dollar...(which btw just increased in value...the penny...NOT the dollar...it now costs in excess of 2 cents to mint a single cent...and yet all those Harvard/Yale Economics graduates employed in that government sector can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this useless f**kin' financial eyesore)...normally...similar products of this magnitude retail for $1,999.99...but you won't hafta pay anywhere near that price if you click the button below and select your method of payment today...your 3 monthly installments of $665.99 should set your mind at ease...you also get our 30 day Triple Your Money Back Guarantee...the first of it's kind in the industry...if you're NOT completely satisfied...I mean 100%...without a doubt happy asa hell with this product....simply return it in it's UNOPENED package for a full...NO questions asked refund of triple your purchase price...all returns must be postmarked for return within 37 days of placing your order...please allow 45-60 days for arrival of merchandise...altho your credit card will be charged immediately...pending approval of proprietor...all applicants are subject to the approval process...(which means that if I determine you to be a dipshitted dunderhead all bets are off)...those who don't qualify can call our Customer Service Center for a rapid refund...that number is 1-800- F**k Me Runnin'...leave a detailed message and someone will return your call within the next 60 business days...excluding weekends...holidays...and days I call in sick...if you haven't received your promised material...or a refund at your request...within one calendar year from date of purchase...write it off on your taxes as a loss...what the hell...if big business can do it...I'm sure you can find an accountant to assist in your unethical endeavors at recompensation...(don't know what to think now...do ya??? Left ya a little speechless...didn't it??? Aside from a bit of laughter...a chuckle here and there...I'll bet it's so quiet you could here a pin drop) Silenced the crowd and the only things revolving were the wheels in your head...now...for those of you who completely missed the purpose of this piss poor punctuated paragraph...please send payment in the form of a Cashier's Check/Money Order...(sorry for the inconvenience...but as the saying goes...In God We Trust...All Others Cough Up Cash...and those 2 methods are as close to cash as you can get without a counterfeiting contraption...you can make them payable to the Forefather of Freeing Mindless Meatsacks from the Mortal Coil...at the following address...101 I Can't Believe I Just Got Assbanged Again Avenue...Suite BS (that's for Brittany Spears...NOT Bull Shit)...also known as the 'Ooops I Did It Again' Atrium...Mortified Like A Mad Bastard, Michigan 499.99!!!
I can think of a few other things in life that share a similar trait with the Revolver...Politicians are seldom able to be silenced...and if ya think the noisy gasses escaping the gap at the rear of the barrel on a revolver are loud...listen to one of these turdmongers trip the light fantastic...most of them have subliminal tapes they recorded themselves just so they can listen to themselves while they sleep...Over enthusiastic Legal Counsel...they're another buncha noisy gas passin' blowhards...if you get one of these things to quiet down prior to dying...be sure to annotate your procedures accordingly...as the Roman Catholic Church requires some sort of documentation in order to be cannonized a saint...my ass after a spicy Mexican meal...unable to be silenced at all...believe me I've tried...remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea...picture me with 10 King size mattresses strapped to my ass...and it still registers at 79 decibels...slightly lower than...someone who shall remain cloaked in secrecy...and their purported snoring capability...my children...who seem to think that the entire world revolves around them...and fire off excuses louder and quicker than last years Quick Draw Champion and his favorite six shooter...and just for the record...I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's assessment of the quieting capabilities of a revolver...I don't own a revolver presently...alth I have in the past...and I'll be completely honest with you...the best way to silence any weapon is NOT to load it...remarkably it takes on the identical charcter traits of a knick knack...pretty to look at...nice conversation piece...completely quiet whether in use or just lying around...and if you don't think it's still an effective weapon without ammo...you've obviously NEVER seen Mr. Wayne or Eastwood pistol whip some poor underpaid immigrant actor...and on a pertinent side note...revolvers are kinda like the moped...an outdated source of meeting in the middle...the moped bridges the gap between a pedal bike and a REAL motorcycle...much the same way a revolver bridges the gap between throwing stones and an automatic weapon...NOBODY uses these things anymore except out of absolute neccessity...you show up to a gunfight in this day and age...toting a revolver...and you may as well purchase a plot and get your headstone ready...you're NOT gonna be with us much longer...and I'm sure there are a few wizards of weaponry who would disagree...however most Native American historians will attest that a single fire arrow slinger was ineffective against the revolver as well as the first repeating rifle...the sad thing is...it takes far less to silence the greatest weapons of the known world...quite often it is accomplished thru defamation of character...corrupt methods of government...and as a last resort...solitary confinement...keeping those gifted with the ability of inception under wraps...or publishing sufficient bullshit material to dispute an otherwise lucid...logical thought process...it is all too common that the things needing to be silenced the most are often the loudest...most annoyingly obnoxious...gas passin' assbags to ever unneccessarily deplete the world's oxygen reserves...you have NO idea how long I have been working on my lifelong invention...the Moron Muffling System...similar to a silencer for weapons other than a revolver...you jam it down the throat of somebody desperately needing a definitive solution to spilling shit all over their shirt when they attempt to orate in public or private...once I get the damn thing perfected I'm going to offer it with other products I have in mind...in escalating packages...kinda like your local cable company and their affinity for overusing the term 'BUNDLE'...you can get just the MMS for 3 monthly installments of $1399.99...(that's $1400.00 for those of you who happen to fall for the everpresent attribute associated with misleading a consumer during the sales process)...or you can upgrade to the MMS with what I intend to label the Linguistic Liason...a device specifically suited for those still suffering from misunderstanding the stupidity ingrained in deciphering Dubya-isms...the MMS/LL package can be yours today for the low low price of 3 monthly installments of $1599.99...(PLEASE...don't make me do the math again...I toldja already it'sa trick...try and keep up)...and finally I will offer a third invention called the Intervention Interpreter...(Do people often look dazed...confused...confounded...everytime you open your garbage spewing gullet to speechify about a subject???) Then the Intervention Interpreter is right up your alley...it takes the mind wandering waste produced by the anal-optic nerve and translates it into a truth formula capable of being realized by every 2 legged thinking terra treader...the MMS/LL/II system is being offered as a one time opportunity NOT to be missed...we've priced this product so low even socially unacceptable sock puppets can participate for mere pennies on the dollar...(which btw just increased in value...the penny...NOT the dollar...it now costs in excess of 2 cents to mint a single cent...and yet all those Harvard/Yale Economics graduates employed in that government sector can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this useless f**kin' financial eyesore)...normally...similar products of this magnitude retail for $1,999.99...but you won't hafta pay anywhere near that price if you click the button below and select your method of payment today...your 3 monthly installments of $665.99 should set your mind at ease...you also get our 30 day Triple Your Money Back Guarantee...the first of it's kind in the industry...if you're NOT completely satisfied...I mean 100%...without a doubt happy asa hell with this product....simply return it in it's UNOPENED package for a full...NO questions asked refund of triple your purchase price...all returns must be postmarked for return within 37 days of placing your order...please allow 45-60 days for arrival of merchandise...altho your credit card will be charged immediately...pending approval of proprietor...all applicants are subject to the approval process...(which means that if I determine you to be a dipshitted dunderhead all bets are off)...those who don't qualify can call our Customer Service Center for a rapid refund...that number is 1-800- F**k Me Runnin'...leave a detailed message and someone will return your call within the next 60 business days...excluding weekends...holidays...and days I call in sick...if you haven't received your promised material...or a refund at your request...within one calendar year from date of purchase...write it off on your taxes as a loss...what the hell...if big business can do it...I'm sure you can find an accountant to assist in your unethical endeavors at recompensation...(don't know what to think now...do ya??? Left ya a little speechless...didn't it??? Aside from a bit of laughter...a chuckle here and there...I'll bet it's so quiet you could here a pin drop) Silenced the crowd and the only things revolving were the wheels in your head...now...for those of you who completely missed the purpose of this piss poor punctuated paragraph...please send payment in the form of a Cashier's Check/Money Order...(sorry for the inconvenience...but as the saying goes...In God We Trust...All Others Cough Up Cash...and those 2 methods are as close to cash as you can get without a counterfeiting contraption...you can make them payable to the Forefather of Freeing Mindless Meatsacks from the Mortal Coil...at the following address...101 I Can't Believe I Just Got Assbanged Again Avenue...Suite BS (that's for Brittany Spears...NOT Bull Shit)...also known as the 'Ooops I Did It Again' Atrium...Mortified Like A Mad Bastard, Michigan 499.99!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
02/17/12
In Massachusetts it is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder...
Good for them...it's supposed to be white...thick...and creamy...NOT...red...runny...and revolting...it's those famous mariners from Manhattan that think the shit's supposed to be red...it's really NOT that hard to understand...tomatoes weren't meant to be eaten...they're still in the larval stage...just look at all that junk in there...you let that thing sit around in a cocoon long enough it'll morph into a something pretty with wings...I've had an on again off again relationship with maters...didn't start actually eating them until a few years ago...and only in certain forms...diced tomatoes...with all that seedy, snotty shit scraped out...tomato sauce when it's used on pizza...or over spaghetti...and that's about it...maybe some shrimp cocktail sauce on occassion...but you can keep that other shit the hell away from me...stewed tomatoes and I will NEVER share a supper setting again...that shit ain't right...besides...who wants a big steaming hot bowl of reddish colored chowder that smells like fish...I AIN"T TOUCHIN' IT...I don't care what kinda cancer it might cure...or how much money you're offering me...I have one steadfast...non-retractable rule when it comes to relaxing with my repast...it CANNOT be red...runny...and offensive to the smell of dead fish...I'll put a hurtin' on a bowl of chili...or tomato soup when I have one of those...'trip down memory lane...just like Momma used to make'...moments...but it doesn't smell like dirty socks...3 day old underwear...and last Friday's leftovers from the Philippino Fish Market over on 4th...I very seldom ever need the knowledge of an edibles ingredients prior to partaking of them for nourishment...sight and smell tend to do the necessary assesment for me...and if I still have doubts...I wait til Momma is dead asleep...in full earthquake causing snore...and I slide a plate of whatever's perplexing me...just beneath her nose...if she coughs herself conscious...probably not something I'm gonna enjoy eating...however if she simply snorts...swallows...and rolls over back to sleep smackin her lips...I know it's gonna be temptuosly tasty...seriously...got my first taste of kimchee that way...we were livin in Hawai'i...Momma fell asleep on the patio outside the Hale Koa Hotel...sunk a cruise ship full of Koreans just off the coast of Kauai with one of her sonarous snores...all that was left was seaweed and fermented cabbage...can't say the same for clam chowder...had to dive into that one on my own...and it's a damn good thing it was the New England version...because I probably NEVER woulda tried anything else that dealt with shellfish had it been the crappy clam chowder kind...the debate over the color of clam chowder is as old as the game of baseball itself...(baseball you say...hmmm...do tell...what does the color of a person's preference for clam chowder hafta do with baseball)...NOTTA damn thing...neither do tomatoes...but you started it...seriously tho...I probably have the least amount of room to bitch about a person's dietary dysfunctions...I've put stuff together that would make most people cringe...being a Blue Cheese Champion connossieur myself...I add it to all kinds of things...Chili...(don't roll your eyes...Kevin's Cajun Blue Cheese Chili is the bomb!)...I've added it to my Dirty Rice Recipe...tossed it into taco's...my next adventure involves mashed potatoes...buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese crumbles...laugh all you want...at least I won't need the fish smell filtering gas mask on to chew my food...look...here's the basic rule of thumb when considering wheter or not to consume a cleverly disguised concoction...does it offend the 4 out 5 senses required to keep an open mind while engaging the mastication process...in other words...does it LOOK...SMELL...TASTE...or FEEL like it has the proprietary possibility to gag more maggots than hot garbage??? Don't try it then...whaddaya tryin to prove...who can launch their lunch longer distances than Linda Blair??? Far be it from me to forbid you the freedom of figuring out your favorite food groups...NOBODY has ever been made famous did so making Manhattan Clam Chowder...but Emeril did make a Blue Cheese Ice Cream...so BAM...(what now bitches!)...LOL...ENJOY your weekend!
Good for them...it's supposed to be white...thick...and creamy...NOT...red...runny...and revolting...it's those famous mariners from Manhattan that think the shit's supposed to be red...it's really NOT that hard to understand...tomatoes weren't meant to be eaten...they're still in the larval stage...just look at all that junk in there...you let that thing sit around in a cocoon long enough it'll morph into a something pretty with wings...I've had an on again off again relationship with maters...didn't start actually eating them until a few years ago...and only in certain forms...diced tomatoes...with all that seedy, snotty shit scraped out...tomato sauce when it's used on pizza...or over spaghetti...and that's about it...maybe some shrimp cocktail sauce on occassion...but you can keep that other shit the hell away from me...stewed tomatoes and I will NEVER share a supper setting again...that shit ain't right...besides...who wants a big steaming hot bowl of reddish colored chowder that smells like fish...I AIN"T TOUCHIN' IT...I don't care what kinda cancer it might cure...or how much money you're offering me...I have one steadfast...non-retractable rule when it comes to relaxing with my repast...it CANNOT be red...runny...and offensive to the smell of dead fish...I'll put a hurtin' on a bowl of chili...or tomato soup when I have one of those...'trip down memory lane...just like Momma used to make'...moments...but it doesn't smell like dirty socks...3 day old underwear...and last Friday's leftovers from the Philippino Fish Market over on 4th...I very seldom ever need the knowledge of an edibles ingredients prior to partaking of them for nourishment...sight and smell tend to do the necessary assesment for me...and if I still have doubts...I wait til Momma is dead asleep...in full earthquake causing snore...and I slide a plate of whatever's perplexing me...just beneath her nose...if she coughs herself conscious...probably not something I'm gonna enjoy eating...however if she simply snorts...swallows...and rolls over back to sleep smackin her lips...I know it's gonna be temptuosly tasty...seriously...got my first taste of kimchee that way...we were livin in Hawai'i...Momma fell asleep on the patio outside the Hale Koa Hotel...sunk a cruise ship full of Koreans just off the coast of Kauai with one of her sonarous snores...all that was left was seaweed and fermented cabbage...can't say the same for clam chowder...had to dive into that one on my own...and it's a damn good thing it was the New England version...because I probably NEVER woulda tried anything else that dealt with shellfish had it been the crappy clam chowder kind...the debate over the color of clam chowder is as old as the game of baseball itself...(baseball you say...hmmm...do tell...what does the color of a person's preference for clam chowder hafta do with baseball)...NOTTA damn thing...neither do tomatoes...but you started it...seriously tho...I probably have the least amount of room to bitch about a person's dietary dysfunctions...I've put stuff together that would make most people cringe...being a Blue Cheese Champion connossieur myself...I add it to all kinds of things...Chili...(don't roll your eyes...Kevin's Cajun Blue Cheese Chili is the bomb!)...I've added it to my Dirty Rice Recipe...tossed it into taco's...my next adventure involves mashed potatoes...buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese crumbles...laugh all you want...at least I won't need the fish smell filtering gas mask on to chew my food...look...here's the basic rule of thumb when considering wheter or not to consume a cleverly disguised concoction...does it offend the 4 out 5 senses required to keep an open mind while engaging the mastication process...in other words...does it LOOK...SMELL...TASTE...or FEEL like it has the proprietary possibility to gag more maggots than hot garbage??? Don't try it then...whaddaya tryin to prove...who can launch their lunch longer distances than Linda Blair??? Far be it from me to forbid you the freedom of figuring out your favorite food groups...NOBODY has ever been made famous did so making Manhattan Clam Chowder...but Emeril did make a Blue Cheese Ice Cream...so BAM...(what now bitches!)...LOL...ENJOY your weekend!
02/16/12
Hang on Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio...
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
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