THE MECHANICS OF MAN!!!

Men can read smaller print then women; women can hear better...

Imma hafta call bullshit on that one...and expose some well hidden secrets kept by the conscious of men in general...while it may be true that some people of the male persuasion can read smaller print...this advantage has NO place in modern society...each and every device we use in this modern technology cess pool in which we live has the ability to MAGNIFY print of any font size to make it easier to read by those without the ability to see things that small...it is NOT a gender based hereditary condition that promotes and supports either of these theories...women can read small print just as well as a man can...they choose NOT to because things that tiny are generally considered unsatisfying and unfulfilling...thereby dispelling the myth that SIZE doesn't matter...on the flip side of that coin is MAN'S ability to hear...WE hear just fine...WE choose NOT to listen to the incessant... NEVERENDING ramblings offered by the fairer sex...NOT because we are uninterested in what you hafta say...WE just prefer the condensed version...give us the Cliff Notes for the conversation and we will be fine...NONE of us need a family history about the person that pissed you off at work today...all we need to know is that you are upset about an event WE didn't cause...unless your ire is directed at us...we couldn't care less...you can come home and mention that you and Mary had a minor disagreement or a full blown argument...and that you are in a bad mood because of it...our reply will be...SORRY...SHIT HAPPENS...you can also come home and go into a long monotonous diatribe about the particulars of the heated debate...describe in vivid detail what Mary was wearing...embellish the conversation to relate your side of the story...paint mental pictures of the events...complete with who pulled who's hair first...who spit in the other one's eye...how management got involved and issued reprimands to both of you...how much you hate working with such an absolute imbecile...branch off on all the other daily duties you need to tackle before you can relax and unwind...holler...scream and spit until your heart's content...and our reply will be...SORRY...SHIT HAPPENS...ya think I'm kiddin'...I'm NOT...pay attention the next time you are in public...especially where men and women that are familiar with one another are present...here is what you will notice...Bill and Bob will greet each other with a firm handshake...maybe a slap on the back of the bro hug variety...Bill will open with...'Hey Bob...how's it hangin'?'...Bob Will reply...'A little low and off to the left'...Bill will then laugh and possibly spray beer from his nose...they will then both stand in close proximity and OBSERVE their surroundings...without so much as another word being said...Bob and Bill have been best friends since they crawled from the crib...in the same situation take a look at Martha and Mary...they will greet each other simultaneously...each trying to out speak the other...they will chatter back and forth in great detail about how Bob and Bill are doing on the job...they will recite all of the things their children have done or said since the last time they got together...they will discuss make-up...hair care and feminine hygiene products...they will share recipes...talk about the future and getting the families together...blah blah blah...Bob and Bill will enjoy their time and appreciate the fact that they are still friends after so many years...Martha and Mary are comparing notes to see who is living a better lifestyle...once the couples separate...Bob and Bill will drive their respective wives home...the entire time tuning out all the crap they discussed with the other...they do this silently...with nods conducted at the appropriate times in the conversation...offering little more that a "Yep"...or a "Nope"...depending on the circumstances...this is the FOUNDATION on which all opposite gender relationships are built on...ask any old timer how they stayed married to the same woman for so many years...and you will get the reply..."I NEVER heard a word she said"...ask the same question of old blue haired Betty and the reply you get will be..."Oh he is such a gentleman...he always takes time out of his day to listen to what I hafta say...he shares of himself freely...anything I want he provides me with...I couldn't have asked for a better partner to walk through life with...we met back in the summer of 1915...I remember it like it was yesterday...he was wearing a....blah blah blah"...five and a half hours later you find yourself wondering why on Earth you didn't take heed to the advice her husband gave you...NEVER hear a thing she says...it is the one formula for wedded bliss and longevity...hell I'd be willing to bet that over 50% of men that have been married to the same woman for more than two decades...will answer the question about how they stayed married to the same person for so long with the phrase..."Because I didn't die sooner"...NOT that they wanted to pass prematurely...it is a testament to their survival skills...that phrase can be easily translated to mean..."That bitch couldn't kill me NO matter how hard she tried!"  There ya have it folks...the secret to success exposed...ya wanna make you hubby happy...shorten the speeches and stay out of the way on Sunday during football season...I would suggest writing down what you hafta say in a note...but most of us do NOT have the desire to read through a million page manual to figure out what is stuck in your craw...regardless of how small the print is!!!

WHERE FOR ART THOU SHAKESPEARE!!!

A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral...

So what you're telling me here is that Mel Gibson played the role of a tiny village sans a religious center for worship???  See...this just proves several of the things I've been known to bitch about...the shit they teach ya in school is suspect to say the least...I grew up thinking...Hamlet was a long drawn out misinterpreted writing from the first medical marijuana user in human history...because let's be honest...NOBODY has ever read a Shakespeare work and NOT left scratching their head...wondering WTF they just read...reading Shakespeare requires a language deciphering skill set that anybody boring through BUSHISMS would have found promising and useful...I would like to know where this word originated from...seems to me that a 'hamlet' would be the offspring of a boar...sorta like a piglet is the offspring of the domesticated pig...or maybe a smaller version of the ham...like veal cutlets are smaller portions of the same product...and what makes the appearance of a church change the outcome of the name by which a region is called...are states NOT responsible for issuing the charter incorporating a city???  Did we all NOT learn about the separation of church from state while we were in school???  I live in the city of East Jordan...where we have NEVER had a cathedral of any kind...we currently have more churches than bars...and more houses for sale than people crazy enough to consider buying them...but we are not classified as a hamlet...town..or village...how this place still survives is beyond me...ya know what does change the name by which a region is referred to...the size of the population...but it only works one way...a place where people begin to gather together is first called a hamlet...then a village...then a town...a city...a suburban sprawl and finally a mega metropolis...but this only happens as the size of the population increases...when the population of an area decreases the name by which the region is referred to as...remains the same...until such a time as all verbiage is exhausted and the final term for a place that once held a significant amount of population becomes a ...ghost town...which is what my little 'burg' of being happens to be going through at this moment...it seems ridiculous to think that in this day and age...a place that was once home to thousands...is now harboring hundreds...NO folks...ya know what a hamlet is...a word that didn't fit...and therefore is seldom used in the current era...I know some of you are scratching your head as if ya just read a passage from Macbeth...a word that doesn't fit...what on Earth could he be talking about now...well think about it folks...NOBODY walks around saying it takes a HAMLET to raise a child...or hey...somewhere a HAMLET is missing their idiot...cuz it just doesn't fit...I mean seriously...some of you...most of you...okay all of you...should be old enough to remember the the late 1970's...do you honestly think the disco hits...YMCA...and In The Navy...would have been huge hits if...The HAMLET people were the ones performing the tunes on stage...HELL NO...probably wouldn't have sold a single ticket to an event...even as an opening act for Freddie Mercury & Queen at a stadium in San Francisco...during a Fairies with Flowers Festival...a hamlet should come in a small can...like SPAM...and make weird slurpsucking sounds when the purchaser tries to unass it from the tin...or it should refer to a platter full of pork and eggs...much in the style of an omelet...with PIG being the only ingredient wrapped in the eggs...it shouldn't be used as a name...I don't care how bigga playwright you were back in the heyday of dressing up in frilly fabric more suitable for the fairer sexes...look what it did to poor Mr. Gibson...he became so confused about his identity he made antisemitic slurs...something that anyone suffering an identity crisis associated with being devoid of a deity worth worshiping should be expected to endure...I mean seriously...in the modern era...where STUPIDITY seems to rule the day...I hafta believe that even though I have NEVER spent a single day in a courtroom in the position of a litigator...I could mount an arguable defense using that theory as my basis for establishing innocence on behalf of BRAVEHEART!!!

HOOSIER DADDY!!!

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven from the steering wheel...

Well know...isn't that convenient...since COMMON SENSE in every state...requires you NOT needing to be informed of that information...I swear...Imma invent the STUPID SLAPPER and make millions of people slobbersmile...if you need a law to TELL you HOW a car should be driven...your ancestors musta came over on the SLOW rowing boat...no but seriously folks there is a very good reason for this LAW...believe it or NOT...I can tell ya first hand that if Illinois wasn't a state where winter weather could dampen my spirits...I would move there tomorrow...all men would...just to escape the arduous adventure of driving a vehicle with a side seat bitcher...back seat naggravator type person on board...think of how many wives would hafta ride in silence for fear their husbands could send them to jail for trying to drive the vehicle vicariously through their husbands right ear...my oh my...an idea I can sink my teeth into...cuz lemme tell ya somethin...NOTHIN' chaps my ass more than someone whispering in my ear at a decibel normally used at heavy metal concerts...telling me which route to take or getting pissed off because they THINK they know a better way of getting from point A to point B...it runs in my family...m brother Shaun is the same way...hell ya don't even hafta be in the same car...all ya gotta do with that guy is have him follow you while you are following a GPS route he doesn't agree with...it's kinda funny actually...women always harp on men to STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS...YOU'RE LOST DUMBASS PULL OVER AND FIND OUT HOW TO GET OUTTA HERE...ya know why most REAL MEN avoid accepting this advice???  Because if they are anything like me they KNOW better than to STOP and ask a complete stranger for directions around the local area...and there is a very good reason for this...remember I said if they are anything like me...I live in a very small town where two major two lane blacktop thoroughfares come together M-32 and M-66...it takes all of 15 minutes to WALK at a slow pace to get to the other side of town...two minutes if you are driving...I cannot count the times I have been walking down the hill to one of the two gas stations we have in town...only to find some wife whipped wheel man wondering how to get from this side of town to M-66...less than a mile away...trust me...you could find it by accident alot quicker than by STOPPING and asking me for directions...because I know the area so well I am NOT a nice cartographer for the curious...I send then back out M-32 for 15 miles informing the ignorant to then take a right on US-131...follow that to the small town of Mancelona...Mance - tucky to the locals...which is about another 15 miles down that road...I then tell them to look for M-66 where they will hang a right...they follow this until they come to an intersection with a BP gas station on the right...approximately 18 miles from the turn in Mancelona...I do this for one specific reason...ancient and modern technology...maps have been around for YEARS...they are very cost effective solutions for those STUPID enough to get lost...the gas station you STOPPED into to ask for directions...has an ASSLOAD of them for sale...they are pennies on the dollar compared to the 48 mile road trip I just sent you on...smart phones and GPS DEVICES although more modern...serve the same purpose...I've actually had people stop and ask me for directions in towns I do NOT live in...and am I shy about providing them...HELL NO...I figure F**K it...what are the chances I am EVER gonna see that person again...especially on the long route of directional deception I plan on sending them on...besides most of my days are boring...I enjoy the opportunity to interact with idiots...it's one of my favorite past times...the mindf**king of the minions...that is the REAL reason MEN do NOT STOP to ask for directions...we know we are more than likely gonna get sent on a wild goose chase...and while the cacophony coming from the seat beside us would die down considerably if we would just unbuckle our belts and let her wear the pants for a minute...the advanced BUSH-isms the bombshell beauty will come up with in the future when they discover that we are NOT getting any closer to where we want to be...are enough to make avoiding the issue of STOPPING a little easier to digest...for the most part I have evolved in the driving without directions department...especially when a naggravator is present...I've trained myself to treat these situations as if I were on an automated phone answering service...I just neglect to push #1 for Engrish...and pretend they are speaking a foreign language...if I really wanna have some fun with it I put a little red dot on their foreheads and offer them a position at the Calcutta Call Center of Amurca...as old Dumbya was so fond of murdering the name of our country...and I hafta thank my brother for tuning me into my new favorite show...as most of you know by now I have a passion for purveying pitiful programs on the peep box...Duck Dynasty is full of relatives of the BUSH clan...if there were a bigger buncha backwards ass sister sleepers on the planet IDK where you would find them...these people are so REDneck...native tribal Indians are offended by the color correlation...this is by far the FUNNIEST reality show on the circuit right now...these guys make mental patients appear to be mind melding magi...you have gotta watch this show at least once and listen to one of Uncle Si's stories...this is a man who when tasked with attending the school for "career" day...found himself in front of a library room full of 7-8 year old kids...the first words outta Si's mouth were..."Any of you young 'uns ever heard the term 'nam?"  he then proceeded to regale these poor tortured souls with stories of killing Charlie and hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of Vietnam...apparently missing the meaning of the term "career" as it was intended to be applied in this situation...he is what they call a redneckeleptic... that man will find some of the most uncomfortable places in the shop to plop down and take a nap...he sleeps on the clock with impunity...but I guess that is a luxury you can afford when you have made millions of dollars making duck calls...anyway folks...I'm outta here for now...enjoy your weekend!!!

ELEGANT EEL ENTREES!!!

Eating eel hearts will help you predict the future...

Of this I have NO doubt...the first prediction will be that eating shit you shouldn't NOT only tastes like shit...it does NOTHING to solve your foresight seeing adventures...DUMBASS...you know how I know this isn't a fact based morsel of information???  The Mega Millions lottery...pay attention people...if anyone eating eel hearts was capable of predicting the future lotteries would offer pennies instead of pounds of paper money for purchasing a little slip of paper...another glaring item of interest is the fact that NOBODY seems to understand what the Mayan countdown calendar really is...which would be an easy problem to solve if an eel heart slurpee was sucked down by a smartass with a degree in stupidity...ya know what eating eel hearts will do for ya???  It'll make ya wonder WTF you were thinking...considering the size of an eel and in conjunction with the miniature scale of its heart...one would be safe in assuming that if the possibility of predicting the future is in any way associated with the object of ingestion...eel heart eating idiots would need to slaughter the entire existing population of these sea faring creatures in order to peek at a point in the future fabulously close to the present time...this amount of eel heart entree would undoubtedly cause any curious onlooker to predict an episode of projectile vomiting NOT seen since the glory days of the Exorcist to be forthcoming in relatively short order...it may even cause some to make the prediction that the plate full of blood pumping internal eel organs will end up unfinished...because seriously...who wants to sit down to an enormous amount of eel innards...outside of sharks and other predators permeating the liquid regions of the salty seas...this delicacy does not hold water for the land based creatures crawling along the Earth's crust...there are various reasons people should avoid eating eel hearts...for one...they're f**kin' eel hearts you assbag...if they were meant for human consumption the little slimy sonsabitches would be easier to catch...I feel fairly comfortable at making a prediction about this topic myself...and outside the three cups of coffee I had this morning320.I have yet to consume anything with the potential to allow me a peek at the future...I predict that anyone blindly believing in this assinine assumption enough to order a plate of steaming eel blood pumpers will end up with NOTHING more than a bad taste in their mouths...and HOPEFULLY the insight to avoid such ignorant information in the future...I know the first part of the prediction to be ABSOLUTELY true and the second part is just something I would wish for for Christmas if there were an actual Santa Claus...IDK what on Earth causes people to look upon an internal organ of a slain animal and decide they want to feel the texture of it on their tongue...the animal kingdom is divided into three basic eating categories...the HERBIVORES...who feast on vegetation...such as leaf eaters and VEGETARIANS...(which by the way is an old Indian term used to describe an unsuccessful hunter)... the CARNIVORES...which feast on meat products...and the OMNI-IGNORANT who feast on anything simply because somebody suggested a myth regarding the consumption of caca like compilations...I've NEVER really needed anything to predict the future...it comes naturally...like so many other things in life...for instance...lemme enlighten you as to what tomorrow will bring...at least for me and a handful of my readers...I will rise from my medical marijuana induced coma...it seems that is the only way I can get to sleep...chronic insomnia without underlying conditions...other than every day stress...once I climb from the ashes of slumber I shall make a fresh pot of coffee...probably of the Jamaican Coconut variety my mother brought me on one of her trips north...I will then find a familiar place to park my cracked ass package...boot up m computer and dream up articles about objects I have NO interest in...I will at some point make several trips to the bathroom...as coffee tends to flow through me like high pressure water from a fire hydrant...I'll turn on the TV in the back ground for residual ambient noise pollution...because let's be honest...there isn't shit worth actually watching until after 7pm...I'll get the article writing work done that I have a deadline for...I'll then make dinner for the kids...possibly try and get ahead of schedule for tomorrow...or participate in the animated slaughter of several like minded citizens who enjoy annihilating the enemy in games such as Call Of Duty Black Ops 2...where I must confess I have moments of splendid shooting situations...picking off people like they were fish in a barrel...I'll then pack a nice punch into the cannabis chamber of my favorite late night snack inhibitor and puff away until I pass out...and here's the catch...I won't even think of ingesting the insides of something that looks like a piece of swimming shit...ya know what will help you predict the future???  Being in control of the outcome of your life...that or being present when the future arrives...look at the great prophecies offered from people in the past...NOSTRADAMUS is the best known fabler of future events...he is recognized as such for one simple reason...misinterpretation of information contained in quatrains he was given credit for authoring...it should be easy to recognize by American citizens since this same method is still being used by our government today to mismanage the documents from which our 'freedoms' derive...the fact of the matter is...NOSTRADAMUS could have been talking about anything under the sun...the idiots that heap praise on this prophet from the past have NO idea WTF he was talking about...they assume that events witnessed in our history...long after he was dead...are attributable to his wisdom and foresight...why is it then that they cannot decipher the other quatrains that have not happened as of yet...did they NOT come true...or were they just too ignorant to imagine an event they could correlate to a quatrain...I predict that since today falls within the calendar week schedule that it will eventually be followed by a WEEKEND...I predict that the problems you avoid today will still be waiting for you tomorrow...I predict that anyone eating eel hearts is dumber than dogshit...regardless of what results they were hoping to achieve...I predict that some of you will read this and shake your head in disbelief at the way I make a mockery of everything idiots think is imaginative...while others of you will wipe that slimy shit off your chin so NOBODY sees you sucking down eel heart souffle...it's really that simple to predict the future...for instance...I predict that the next 4 years will be NO different from the last 4 years...you cannot get vastly different results if you continue to elect that same asshats to positions in politics...I predict that the next marionette made president will succumb to the same suffering and stress as his predecessors that have held this position...and that he or she will be just as ineffective at correcting the corruption the followers are incapable of making a stand against...predictions are like pennies...you can find them all over the place...they are just lying around waiting to be picked up and pocketed...it does NOT mean they will make you rich...or wise beyond your ears...I swear sometimes I wish it were that easy to manipulate the minds of the minions into believing in idiotic assumptions...hell I have a few ideas myself...I hear sucking c**k makes you smarter...FREE testing for air headed individuals of the female persuasion...I've actually been told using mine for your oral exercises will provide you with a wealth of information that would make the three wise men weep!!! 

COW TIPPING CATASTROPHES!!!

You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark...

Hmmm...kinda makes ya wonder if all those Cow tipping contests we participated in back in the days before technology became popular are now beginning to catch up with us...doesn't it???  Yeah me neither really...ya know why humans are more likely to be attacked by a cow than they are by a shark???  It's simple really...sharks are NOT land based animals...and we as humans are NOT water based mammals...this news should NOT come as a surprise to most of you...it is apparent in every day society...you are more likely to fall off the side of a mountain than you are to get hit by a comet passing too close to the planet...why...because mountains are readily available for human interactivity whereas comets are NOT...damn idiots anyway...you have a greater potential for losing weight if you live in the desert...why???  Because FOOD doesn't grow as well in those areas...ya buncha dirt dwellin' dipshidiots...ya know why cows gobble grass instead of sucking down a seaweed slurpee???  because they do not fancy floating in water...holy crap...it's no damn wonder there is so much confusion in the class rooms of this country...we are paying significant amounts of tax dollars to have our children act as students of a system that fails to properly educate them...this is common sense stuff here folks...do you know why shark attacks are more profoundly reported on then encounters with disgruntled cows???  Because there are far more serious consequences that come with shark attacks than with grumpy old gargantuans of the grasslands...people seldom lose a limb from being clobbered by a cow...while on the other hand serious and life threatening situations can easily occur when confronting something like a shark...it is also a helluvalot easier to handle a cow gone crazy...a .22 shell to the frontal lobe usually does the trick...hunting down a shark suspected of slaughtering several sandy beach bathing beauties is not something that can be done except from the confines of Hollywood...I dare say we as a species are far more destructive in nature than any of our counterparts living in the rest of the animal kingdom...and without much remorse I might add...I would not be surprised one single bit if cows were the most confused critter on the crust of this planet...the poor bastards are raised for one reason and one reason only...they are tasty with the other things we put on the plate at dinner time...it also would not surprise me if they were finally beginning to make a stand for themselves by retaliating against their current collective killers...or those that appear human in nature...cow accidents are uncommon for the most part...they are a docile animal and for the most part are considered vegetarians...incapable of initiating a bloodlust for human consumption...most accidental cow encounters of a calamitous nature include being kicked...rather than being chewed on...primarily because human flesh...musculature and bone structure are not as soft...tender and tasty as the grass that grows fresh on a daily basis...I hate when halfwits in humanity get shit half assed...it sends a signal that even with the vast advancements associated with technology and information we as a species still suffer from the effects of unbridled incest...STOP sleeping with your sister and START paying attention to the details NOT provided in your incomplete class room exercises in stupidity...for the love of all mankind and the survival of the species...self-castrate yourself as part of the solution for preventing future forums of f**ktardom from occurring!!!

KAMIKAZE KOMMITMENT!!!

I feel it necessary to begin this post with something I posted on Facebook regarding gun control in this country...in light of the recent tragedy surrounding the Kansas City Chiefs and the murder/suicide of one of their players and his wife...a very prominent figure in the sports world made some ridiculous associations about guns and their potential for creating fatal conditions...it is therefore with NO remorse I made the following comment to great applause...

Bob Costas is a moron...so is ANYONE with an issue promoting gun control...blaming guns for causing murder is akin to blaming pencils for misspelling words...it's the PERSON utilizing the instrument that is DIRECTLY responsible for how it performs...homicidal maniacs will KILL people whether they have a gun or NOT...whadda we gonna do if you take all the guns away...start banning rope...knives and prescription pills...I don't see any of these industries taking a hit for promoting SUICIDE...whadda buncha asshat lickin' idiots!!!

If a Japanese Kamikaze pilot wanted out of the program he was executed as a traitor...

Well now...isn't that a nice kick in the keister...can't win for losing in that situation...and to be honest with ya...I couldn't care less...two nuclear bombs apparently wasn't enough of a warning for future suicidal bombers...twice our country has been 'attacked'...and I use that term loosely...since on both occasions our government had ample forewarning...which doesn't say much about our own potential for adhering to the age old adage that 'history repeats itself'...which in and of itself is a ridiculous saying...history does NOT repeat itself...PEOPLE who do NOT adhere to the lessons learned previously are DOOMED to resort to repetitive efforts of failure with rambunctious ramifications...when are people going to WTFU...(wake the f**k up)...the Japanese Kamikaze program is DIRECTLY responsible for the promotion of suicidal bombers...and while these zealots are capable of creating huge fatalities when they are successful in their endeavors...the times have changed...the disgruntled Kamikaze pilot was given the opportunity to DIE honorably for their country...or commit ritualistic suicide in the form of Seppuku...or Hara-Kiri...either voluntarily or at the hands of their master...much like the Samurai...in the modern era of suicide bombing...those tasked with performing an unpleasant utilization of killing massive amounts of people in the name of Allah...face the same situation...if they want out of the program all they have to do is push a button or pull a string...preferably in an unpopulated area of the Earth...our country has failed to pick up on the promise of promoting this type of action during war...we continue to spend and send soldiers to sand laden situations where they are NOT needed...yes we have a responsibility to ensure the safety of other people subject to unethical treatment and torture...HOWEVER...we also have an over populated prison system...chock full of people we have deemed unfit for social activities...rather than continue to spend countless millions on munitions...why don't we train these tools to fly an airplane...we can skip the landing class schedules...since their primary targets of interest are going to be buildings full of people we want to punish...I know...I know...some of you are thinking...well that's just barbaric...we cannot condone such a classless act of survival...to which I say...BULLSHIT...think of all the problems this little program would solve...it would create more jobs...somebody hasta build the airplanes being used...populations in prison would decrease...saving taxpayers several trillion pennies per year...we give the prison pilot just enough fuel to get to the intended target...NO more bombs...bullets or bloodied American boys required...just a buncha shiny silver cigar shaped suicide shuttles...I'm sure some of you are wondering just how effective a program of this magnitude will be...take a look at the statistics...Prison populations = overcorwded...Unemployment rates = skyrocketing...Amount of airplanes available = significantly less than required...all the parameters are in place for making this a successful addition to the inventory of our current arsenal...it's either that...or we start relocating our unwanted to these countries...in a role reversal rectifying requiem...send our prisoners to their parts of the planet...then they can take out these misnomered insurgents can take out their hostilities on Americans from the comfort of their own homes...I personally prefer the Prison Pilot Program for performing penance...although I must confess...I shall NOT however promote the false promise of a vast variety of virgins awaiting you in the afterlife...your moments of baggin' little Mattress Back Mary are over...all you can do now is pay for your sins...or continue sittin in your cell...ya know...the survival of the fittest is going to make me awful lonesome one day!!!

DAYLIGHT DRIVING!!!

Car accidents rise 10% during the first week of daylight savings time...

Whadda way to start the week eh...how many people out there actually understand the concept behind daylight savings time???  Yeah me neither...NEVER did make much sense...we roll our clocks forward in the Spring...and backwards in the Fall...so which time is the ACTUAL time???  Believe it or not the current time displayed on the clocks of the curious in every corner of every continent on the crust of the Earth is the correct time...the first week of Daylight Savings Time...commonly referred to as DST here in the USOS...(United States of Slavery)...therefore falls in the Spring...it adds an hour of daylight to the evening hours and subtracts and hour from the morning minutes...that in conjunction with the planet's penchant for TILTING on its axis creates more hours of Daylight during the summer months...more light should mean less accidents...so either this asshat has it backwards...or more of us have difficulty driving when we can SEE better...some countries and even states here in the good old land of the followers...neglect to implement DST procedures...simply because it NO longer makes sense...this program was beneficial in early modern human history...when the use of electricity was in its infancy...as most industrialized nations have mastered the fine mechanics of creating current for the rest of us to consume...the modification of the minute keeper is NO longer a necessity...we continue to employ it in the modern day for the same reason we follow other programs implemented previously which tend to fail or NO longer be functional... because our government stands to lose a serious amount of face with their citizens if they admit shit they had a hand in NO longer serves a purpose...lemme tell ya what...if more people are having accidents during the first week of DST...maybe those mutton heads need to stay in bed another hour or so...I'll tell ya when car accidents rise in my neck of the country...when the white fluffy falls from the sky...which is ABSOLUTELY ASTONISHING to me...ya see I spent the years of my childhood hopping from one location to another as a military brat...got to see an enormous amount of the country we call home...driven through all 50 states at different times of the year...both of my biological birth partners have strong family ties to the Northern Michigan area...which is how I ended up spending the last 20 years of my life in this half frozen tundra...and the one thing that seriously chaps my ass...are the people who have NEVER in all their years on Earth left this corner of the country...SNOWFALL is an EXPECTED occurrence annually...yet every year the morons that multiply in this area of Michigan seem to FORGET what the f**k a car is...and how to manually manipulate it thru three inches of melting material...car accidents increase by 10% up here every time something like SNOW falls from the sky...it's insane...it's like the second SNOW starts to fly thru the air...these f**ktards forget half their cognitive thinking capacitors when they enter their cars...compounding the problem for most non-pedestrian passengers is the fact that they NO longer plow as they should...another situation of stupidity...when we get 10 or more inches of the fluffy stuff the plows stay neatly tucked away in garages...however when we get less than half an inch...these mammoth motor vehicles are out in force...it's like trying to use a holey sock as a protectant against unexpected pregnancy...it makes NO sense...I mean seriously...I can't tell ya how retarded it is up here...each and every year the SNOWFALL brings along with it another smattering of stupidity...it SNOWED here last week during Thanksgiving...I wasn't even here...but there was less than three inches on the road before we had out first fatality...yesterday was Sunday...temperatures have been mildly Mayan the last week...melting off every inch of the white fluffy stuff...except at the ski resorts which are making their own sheets of ice to surf down the side of a mountain on...which creates a whole new set of unsavory situations...our second fatality befell a young girl trying to learn how to snowboard...it's the primary reason I NO longer want to live in a SNOWFALL landing zone...NOT only is it drastically colder than my body would like to handle...but it has been a long held belief of mine that there are things that should live in the colder regions of any continent or country...Polar Bears and Penguins...NOT PEOPLE...I know some of you will say..."But Kevin...what is Christmas without SNOW on the ground"...to which I say...'A f**k of a lot warmer and freer of fatalities'...take it from me...my immediate family seldom had SNOW at Christmas because of the stations we were sent to...and we are ALL still plodding around the planet...I've been here for a mere 20 years...and it that short two decades of human history I can affirm that WE...as inhabitants of this planet...have yet to master Mother Nature and her nasty habits for creating harmful situations regarding existence in SNOW covered landscapes...we have less than twenty days left to discover what the Mayans were trying to tell us with their mythical little minute keeper they manufactured...and while I truly believe NOTHING of a planet wide population plummeting problem will occur...I must say...with the temperatures hovering in the 50's today...I am enjoying this latest phase our planet is progressing through...having done a little research in the history of our planet as we believe it to be...the last time Mother Earth went through a situation of this nature...HUMANS were NOT around to witness it...HOWEVER...fossil records indicate that some 26,000 years ago...the surface temperatures on our rock were such that new LIFE FORMS evolved...some species suffered and fell by the way side in what is known as EXTINCTION...over the millions of years the planet needed to begin the cooling process and create the next Ice Age...what does that mean for those of us living in regions affected by annual SNOWFALL...such as in the state of Michigan...quite simply it means...SELL...SELL...SELL ...as in your house and property...while the next Ice Age may NOT happen in our lifetimes...it will come creeping back into to claim the lands it once held beneath the surface of ice...get out while the getting is good...otherwise...DST and the impending increase of car accidents aside...we should be fine!!!