EBTIB!!!

When it originally appeared in 1886, Coca Cola was advertised as an “Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.”...

and it contained quite a few things our modern day soft drink of a similar name...things like COCAINE...that evil white substance that appears to have both medicinally proactive components as well as medicinally negative and harmful effects...take for instance the early American immigrant ripe full of this new soft drink concoction...why they might come up with insane ideas about developing a light from electricity...or they might engage in conversations about the theory of relativity...hell for all we know they coulda been the ones responsible for inventing the telephone...kinda makes ya wonder doesn't it...keep in mind folks...the people born around the 1880's to 1890's would be the same from the same generation that split the atom... developed space travel...faked the moon landing...crazy sh*t like that...so apparently cocaine in small doses mixed effectively in a soft drink has some sorta Vulcan mind melding magicificationism to it...(HEY PIPE DOWN OVER THERE...I HAVEN'T USED A DUBYAISM LIKE THAT IN AWHILE)...it has also been documented in a couple Journals of Medicine that the natives who pick the leaves from the coca plant and chew on them do NOT experience the high one would expect from cocaine...what they do experience is some of the best oral hygiene in the world...especially for third world categorized countries...at one time there was even talk of developing tooth paste and/.or gum from the leaves...extracting only the proactive ingredients...on the flip side...individuals that have ingested cocaine through one of the many available methods often experience a euphoria that leads to addiction...and illusions of grandeur...SCARFACE...now I haven't done the necessary research to find out if the Coca-Cola Company actually purchased cocaine in powder form...or if it was simply something they extracted from the coca leaf itself...and to be honest...it really doesn't matter...what does matter is that while they were adding it to their soft drink...in whatever form they used...we as a country were at the forefront of technology...America had the upper hand in developing new ideas...and since they were forced to remove it...we have steadily found ourselves sucking the hind tit of the heifer known as the Information & Technology Age...I mean why is it that when something works well in this country we abolish it immediately without further study...and when something sucks the ass out of a whale shark riding a tsunami...we keep it around FOREVER...and this extends far beyond any benefits of coca-laced Coca-Cola...one of my favorite medicinal herbs was also once LEGAL in AMERICA...as a matter of fact it was an enormous cash crop back before the Great Depression...the hemp was used for creating rope...linen...clothing...paper...the first 2 drafts of the Declaration of Independence were written on hemp...you remember...the one that promotes..LIFE...LIBERTY & THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS (under our constant supervision and according the the rules we establish for everyone but us to follow)...that last little bit was added as a legal disclaimer in invisible ink...you didn't actually think they meant that didja???  Cause ya can't expect to establish a new country full of free spirited frolicking folk from lands afar...what would people say...hell they might storm the shores for Centuries...over populating and misinterpreting anything and everything they get their fumbly little fingers on...I'll tell ya...the things we do to dig our own holes...show of hands...how many people still think NAFTA was a GREAT IDEA...what...none of you are enjoying the benefits of shipping your companies to foreign soil to enjoy cheaper labor rates and increased profit margins...every time we eliminate a possibility in this country...we empower our competitors...because they aren't as anally retentive as this rectally challenged government we allow to continue shoving sh*t down our throats...they see something that works...and works well...and they run with it...they don't shy away from it...place it on the taboo list and prohibit it...they embrace and encourage it...the problem with our government is it's inability to figure sh*t out...they can't figure out how to tax marijuana...because they made it illegal for so long...EVERYBODY grows it...instead of having it handled by a select few companies...they haven't figured out how to tax a business for manufacturing it...I think it's HIGH time we start paying attention to some of the things history has taught us...give the Coca-Cola Company as much land as they need to produce their own coca plants...I hear there's a huge plot of land over in the Middle East that recently had all of it's soil tilled while looking for WMD's...should have ample space for growing the number of plants needed...let's do something that makes sense and instead of forbidding Coca-Cola to be serve with it's original ingredients...let's make it mandatory that everyone drink at least a 12 ounce can a day...I'm sure we could get the Coke Company to adjust their prices to make it more affordable...especially with the financial windfall that is sure to come their way...and instead of making marijuana illegal...let's make it mandatory too...for everyone to grow as many plants as possible on the land they have available...NOT only does it possess positive medicinal qualities...it's a renewable resource...you know...one of those things you idiots in the government are constantly saying we need to embrace in order to save the damn planet...here's an idea...these plants serve a multitude of useful purposes...(something seldom enjoyed from politicians)...they can be grown in a matter of months...NOT years...they can be harvested several times throughout the year in certain regions...replanted...harvested again...until a cycle develops which benefits man and the planet on a number of different levels...you wanna see unemployment drop below 4% nationwide...legalize the growing and manufacturing of marijuana and hemp...farmers all over the country will change there crop overnight...buy more available land...create more jobs than any blowhard in Washington could do in a 4 year term...and decrease our national deficit...it's amazing...it takes somebody that actually has tried marijuana and done the research to solve the nationally economic stagnation everyone with the title of Representative...Senator...or President seems to think is working...ya know why they won't EVER do anything this insane...because it would bury the myths they have established and promoted for decades...they can't very well justify the decades long war on drugs...MARIJUANA primarily...if they open the flood gates and allow American citizens to grow and cultivate the material for a wide variety of uses...because then all the people they have locked up in overcrowded prisons...would become the backbone of a functioning and economically stable society...how devastating would that be...NO...it is far better my friends to live in a time when we are allowed to witness firsthand...things like the crumbling death of an Empire...which is what this country was for it's first couple hundred years...since then it had been in steady decline...much like the Roman...Greek...and Egyptian Empires of the past...disappearing before our very eyes...and for what...social stigma developed by a few people who think their sh*t don't stink...Ronnie Reagan may have been a great president...but Nancy was a dumb b*tch with a hidden agenda...maybe she wasn't fully aware of her actions...maybe she was just a puppet positioned on the anti-pot pedestal...but if we don't start making some changes here soon...we're gonna hafta press #1 just to login to our Facebook accounts...and only then if we can read Mandarin well enough to determine which character represents the #1...there's an election coming up...and although I have NEVER cast a vote...NOR do I support the corrupt Electoral College Candidate program used to determine the next elected idiot...I do encourage all those that do cast a vote to do so with a write in message for the one who wins...HAVE A COKE AND A SMILE DIPSH*T!!!  Happy Humpday!!!

METAL MITES!!!

Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music...

As opposed to when???  Do they chew wood slower and talk with a drawl if someone turns on country music???  I mean have ya listened to Heavy Metal music...it's the loudest shit on the planet...I know first hand because that's what I listen too...here's the thing that doesn't make sense about this little tidbit...termites come in one size...infinitesimal...they can only eat so much wood a piece...which means that NO matter what music you play...they are gonna eat the same amount of wood...Heavy metal music has been accused of creating alotta problems...but overeating by termites is definitely a first...I mean seriously...where the hell do they come up with this stuff...who in their right mind would even consider this a fact...I mean wake up people how many retarded college educated degree holders does it take to come up with silly assed ideas like this???  I've NEVER heard such ignorant ways of thinking...heavy metal music has been blamed for causing people to commit suicide...it's been associated with people causing riots or fighting...you name it and I'm sure somebody has attached...'listenin' to heavy metal music while doin' it'...to whatever crime or taboo item is being described...it's ridiculous...NOBODY blames other types of music for creating dumb shit like termites chompin' wood faster than a tachyon can travel...I don't see people standing around playing hip hop music to see if their particular termites eat wood with differently...whadda they wear their pants around their ankles and carry around guns to steal wood from other termites in the hood...doubtful ya don't see termites sittin around a Country Bar...singin' the blues about how the lumberjack came along and chopped down their house...sent the little lady flyin' across the forest floor...made the whole family homeless...they don't sit around lookin' completely fuckin' stupid while listening to Opera...like most other insects and animals...including us...ya know what heavy metal music does???  It cleanses the soul...it purifies the human spirit and allows people to work out some of their aggression without having to KILL somebody...believe me...it has saved more lives than it has taken...from my hand alone...on more than one occasion...sure it can fuel the fire and cause the savage beast within to make itself known...but only by those too damn stupid to have any self control...termites probably can't even get close enough to a sound system that is pumpin' out heavy metal music...the amount of disruption would bounce their tiny little asses a country mile before they knew what the hell happened...and someone...please tell me...just where in the hell are you playing this heavy metal music that you envisioned termites tearin' through a pile of wood at break neck speed...I mean if this were true...wouldn't it be a helluvalot cheaper to hire them to cut down forests and fire wood...hell in this day and age you can download enough music for free...or just hop on youtube and play all the tunes the termites like...seems to me that FREE is alot cheaper than a chainsaw...I wonder how many countless hours were wasted in the process of manufacturing this little morsel of midget minded mistakes...how in the hell do you even measure a thing like that...scientifically speaking...I mean you hafta have at least 2 separate groups of termites in order to conduct this kinda study...right...a control group...and one that you put through hell to make a discovery...so how do ya know that the first batch of little termites weren't full from an earlier feast o forestry???  Who says the second group wasn't famished because of the first groups gluttony at the aforementioned feast???  For that matter...maybe the group subjected to heavy metal music NEVER heard a thing...has it been proven termites can even hear on the same wavelength as humans...makers of such things as heavy metal music...more than likely NOT...perhaps these little bugs of the bog were simply being tossed around like rag dolls from the sound waves they were being introduced to...I doubt very seriously the authenticity of this tidbit...until further testing has been completed...including the fitting of a termite with personal headphones...to determine if heavy metal music indeed poses a positive response from the maple masticating jaws of the termite...and please send me forewarning if you decide to proceed with such a ridiculous idea...I'd like to visit your parents and find out why they didn't strangle you in the crib...ya know I have been called ruthless...I've been called crass...obtuse...uncaring...even humorously inappropriate at times...personally I like to think of it as brutal honesty with a tickle...I'm gonna shootcha straight and tell it like it is...or like it needs to be...and maybe I won't always have the facts to support my rebuttal's...hell I'll be the first to admit I make up alotta the shit I put in these pages on the fly...I spend a little time with my Sativa Shaman...which happens to be sitting within arms reach as we speak...I read the tidbit that's been sent to me...and I just let sh*t flow like an unclogged toilet...I enjoy the idea that there are quite a few of you out there who pay homage by visiting these less than hallowed halls...reading what I have to say...getting a good chuckle to start off your day...and believe me...anyone who writes material for others to read will tell you how important an audience is...without you folks this page wouldn't exist...I say that to say this...if you have termites that tear through trees at twice the speed as normal...simply by listening to heavy metal music...double your homeowners insurance...and buy some Slipknot...Marilyn Manson and Korn...don't call an exterminator...profit from this little catastrophe...trust me...you'll enjoy your new found financial freedom...but be smart...buy something useful...like a Motor Home to live in...something made outta metal...there aren't any metal eating bugs...at least not on record...but you may wanna be aware of Bee-Boppin' Billy Goats!!!  

WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!

Scientists believe the earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons...

Hmmm...lemme see if I get this right...when we as people are on Earth our weight is determined by the gravitational forces of our planet...yet when we launch a human into space they become weightless...they float around aimlessly and need outside propulsion resources in order to get them from one place to another...so wouldn't it stand to reason that Earth...which floats around in this big black vastness of soup called SPACE...is ultimately weightless...and even if it isn't...how do you hypothesize the overall weight of a planet???  Are we talking about just the planet itself...as well as it's natural resources???  Or are we talking about everything on Earth...people...buildings...cars...and all that kinda shit???  I'd like to know what data was collected in order to come up with this number???  I mean this planet has alotta shit that factors into the overall weight we establish for our little rock...things like volcanoes...that constantly erupt...spilling molten lava from different orifices...lava...which in molten form weighs differently than when it is in solid form...we also have water...which takes on several different forms...solid...liquid and gas...each of which has a different weight measurement associated with it...trees...which are cut down occasionally...and which grow annually...there are also other plant and animal life which fluctuate on a daily basis...entire species are eliminated daily...others haven't even been discovered or categorized yet...new life forms are still being found all over the world...so how in the hell do some of the people...who are considered among the most intelligent beings on the planet...come up with such a random number...is there an enormous scale sitting out there in space that we don't know about???  Here's the problem...whenever you see an estimate of this nature...one filled with more zeroes than other numbers...it means the person...or people...proposing the number...really don't have a damn clue as to what they are talking about...there are way too many variables...farmers that raise animals and plants as a food source have begun using steroids in order to make the things they raise bigger...thereby providing greater profit and more abundant food sources...another part of the problem with this sort of estimate is this...who really gives a shit...and what purpose does knowing this kind of information serve???  I doubt very seriously that it's gonna be of any benefit to anyone...since it can't be proven...it's not like it's gonna be a Jeopardy type question the next anal probing interplanetary travelers pose to their prospects prior to pokin' them in the posterior...it isn't gonna win you a Nobel Prize in the field of science or weight measurements...there are too many things we don't yet understand about the galaxy we live in...like why does our planet make a revolution every 24 hours and yet our moon doesn't?  Why do planets move and moons stay static???  Why does out planet tilt on it's axis to allow certain portions to move closer to or further from the sun???  Why do other planets orbit the Sun in elliptical patterns as opposed to circular patterns...how do these planets affect life here...they all have different gravitational pulls...when the moon is closer the waves we see on the beaches get larger...seems to reason that these exterior elements would have a direct impact on the overall weight associated with out planet...if you ever doubted me before...this little tidbit should firmly cement this idea in your head...STOP wasting money on an education that is only going to allow you to make ASSUMPTIONS...I wanna know how you plan on curing cancer...or how you're gonna manufacture more jobs for people so that the unemployment rate falls below 1.0%...or how the hell you're gonna get us all off this rock when it finally pisses out it's last Natural Resource and become unable to sustain human life...I couldn't care less how much this planet weighs...it wasn't placed here for us to argue over how many tons it might weigh...it was put here as a pit stop...we weren't meant to live here FOREVER...we were meant to use our time here to find a new place to live...a planet in another galaxy or universe that will sustain the majority of us...NOT all of us...because some of the radical retards we have among us will NOT be invited to make the next trip...they will be left here as a reminder of what we don't want in our societies or civilizations...I know it's a hard concept to grasp...but life as we know it...didn't start out here on this planet...it didn't spring up in some long ago lost garden...and take off like wild fire from there...the Bible tells us that Eve was made from the rib of Adam...and that they had 2 sons...Cain and Abel...you know the story...do the math...3 men...all from the same genetic pool so to speak...and one woman...there was either incest...or there were already other people...Imma go with there being other people...since I don't see most of you at my Family Reunions...this same book would have you believe that Noah was commanded to build an Ark...with which he would save straight animals...and his own family...which if is the case...we would have doubled our incestual efforts twice before even getting out of the Old Testament...I doubt there would be many of us NOT wearing bibs...scientifically speaking...just those 2 pieces of information point at the presence of other human life forms on this planet...the people of the Bible were from primitive cultures...they wouldn't have had the medical technology or understanding to deal with a child born from incest...the problems would have been to overwhelming and the life cycle would have been broken long ago...according to those two stories...we shouldn't even be here...but we are...because as intelligent beings we understand that it isn't the weight of the planet that is important...it's finding our way off of it that needs to be addressed...the only time I need to know how much something weighs is if I am going to be even remotely involved with moving it...or sleeping with it...in which case I have a fool proof system to keep me from waking up next to the Gerta and all 7 of her chins...after a bad night at the bar...if she walks through the door and all the loose items in the room begin to exhibit orbital patterns of their own...I'm outta there...I don't need a scientist to shoot me an estimate about the relative weight of the central object...the tramp stamp that has been distorted through 10 years of Taco Bell and Take-out...is also another good indicator that you are about to enter the gravitational pull of a 2 ton Tessie...and here's the beauty of it all...my high school education made it possible for me to dispute this college educated idiots theory on planetary plumpness...people...QUIT sending your ill equipped kids to college...I'm providing useful information here for FREE...but that doesn't mean I won't take those $50,000.00 donations and put them to better use...have a Maniacal Monday folks!!!

PIT-LICKERS!!!

Most common sports drinks are the equivalent of sugar-sweetened human sweat...

This moron aimed for the bleacher seats and bunted...sure most major Sports Drink Brands are in the business of promoting products that replace valuable nutrients that are lost through the act of perspiring...that doesn't mean they analyzed human sweat...deduced the ingredients being bled from the body...and concocted a drink of the same damn material...adding a little sugar to sweeten the deal...I mean seriously...if this were the case obese people would NEVER hafta worry about finding a career...they'd have one of the laziest and best paying jobs in the world...hell Sports Drinks companies would probably offer to cater fast food every 4 minutes just to keep bottlin' all that bad smellin' body juice...I mean seriously...where did this idiot get his information...there are alotta reasons people sweat...there are also alotta pores and places people sweat from...and quite honestly...there's a huge difference from one part of the body to the next...for instance...SWAMP-ASS SWEAT...is decidedly different from say EYEBROW SWEAT...and one could even argue...the pungent aroma associated with each is quite decipherable...therefore the ingredients of these Sports Drinks would either hafta incorporate each and every element...or be classified separately as a sub-category...put it this way...they would hafta be as different as a bottle of Boone's Farm...and a $200.00 bottle of Vintage Vino...human sweat is dependent upon the individual...personal hygiene comes into play...as does personal grooming...obviously if you look like the missing link when you undress...as opposed to an anatomically incorrect Ken Doll...chances are you have a body sweat only Sasquatch would consider drinkin'...some people sweat with little or NO effort...while others barely break a sweat performing the most strenuous exercises...I try NOT to sweat...that way I don't hafta waste money on a Sports Drink that's supposed to replace the electrolytes I lose...here's the thing...most professionals in the medical world appear to subscribe to the same theory...8 full glasses of...hmmm...I'm like 9.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999%positive it's WATER!!!   I grew up playin' sports...and we drank water...ate oranges...things like that...because we didn't have fancy flavored sports drinks to choose from...we had Kool-Aid...and when times were really tight...we had Kool-Aid with half the amount of sugar called for...and most of the heroes from the Sports World from that era...wore less padding...played by more barbaric rules...and had lengthier careers than most of the Prima-Donna's of the Sports Drink World of today...I mean what the hell is goin' on here...is someone bein' paid to run around and throw a little sugar on sweaty armpits...take a little lick...and then take a mouthful of the latest batch of Sports Drink...comparison taste testing...ya wanna know where tidbit's like these come from???  Failed advertising careers...that's where...NOBODY reads...or hears that...and thinks to themselves...'Damn...can't wait to get a bottle of my favorite Sports Drink when I'm done in the gym'...they're called Stupi-slogans in the Ad World...or the political field...depending on where ya sit during the elections...8 years of DUMBO...followed by 4 years of GUMBO...and what's on the horizon...4 more years of OBAMANATION...(pronounced A-bom-i-nation)...or 4 years of somethin' called a MITT...who will be the MORON leading us into the post MAYAN calendar millenia...honestly I don't even care anymore...I think we should decide the next President by coin toss...say best outta 7...HEADS the incumbent returns...TAILS the new guy takes over...I mean why the hell NOT...200+ years of leavin' shit for the next guy...anyway...I guess the only thing that should really be of concern to those that enjoy Sports Drinks...is where they're actually gettin' the ingredients for these things they're bottlin'...that could be freshly squeezed from a dirty gym sock...or it could be 3 week old...barrel aged jock strap juice...and depending on the Sports Drink company...it could be imported from sweat shops that employ children from some foreign country...I'm NO recipe-ologist or anything...and I couldn't tell ya what the hell is in those things...but I do know that if you limit the amount of exercise to non-sweat producing endeavors...such as walking at night...when it is cooler...or swimming...you won't find it as necessary to purchase sugar sweetened human body sweat...you can go home and have a beer...Sports Drinks companies advertise and promote good health...or healthy benefits...things that are NOT a requisite for a HAPPY life...I mean seriously...NOBODY has...'Here lies (put your name here) they died HEALTHY'...inscribed on their tombstone...go out kickin' and screamin' like the rest of us...don't fool yourself into thinkin' that livin' a healthier lifestyle is gonna reap you any rewards...look at your own family history...I'll bet the generations before you bathed their food in lard...and they all lived to be into their 90's or 100's...pay attention...it's the healthy sh*t you're eating and drinking NOW...that they didn't have...and woulda avoided if they did...back THEN!!!  Have  Great Weekend!!!

Kim- Chee & Dogshit!!!

An apple, onion and potato all have the same taste.  The differences in flavor are caused by their smell...

Seriously...the differences in FLAVOR...something that is detected by our sense of TASTE...is dictated by their opposing ODORS...something that is detected by our sense of SMELL...the hell you say...cuz here's the thing...my Momma used ta try and pull that shit on us when we were kids..."hold your nose...that SPAM will taste just like..."  AWFUL JELLIED MEAT...I don't give a shit what part of your senses you try and shut off...hold your nose...shut your eyes...plug your ears...and wear gloves...the shit is gonna taste the same...like some sorta spongy substitute for sustenance...it makes a decidedly unpleasant PLOP when it finally releases the vacuum seal created by the gelatinous goo they pack it in the can with...shelf life...5,000+ years...or 3 nuclear devastating global episodes...whichever comes first...they're all about the same size and of relatively the same shape...so if they all taste the same...then what you're tellin' me...is that we're all paying different prices for these products because of their SMELL...we're paying for the fragrance of the food now...as opposed to the taste or nutritional value...well isn't that just a buncha bullshit...and if this little tidbit is true...then how do you explain Kim-Chee & Dogshit...they taste and smell the same...and yet look NOTHING alike...I mean I know there is a direct relation to SMELL and TASTE...normally if something smells foul or sour...rotten or decayed...we refrain from eating it...at least until we get someone else to try it first...and here's the other thing...I'm NO brain surgical magician or anything like that...don't even have any letters following my name...or preceding it for that matter...but one thing I am pretty damn sure of is this...you could blindfold me...put one of gramma's old wooden clothespins on my nose...cut up some apples...taters...and onions and feed them to me in any order you desire and I would be able to tell the difference...wanna know why???   Thought ya might...DIFFERENT CONSISTENCIES associated with the various fruits and vegetables...raw potatoes...FEEL NOTHING like raw onions...or raw apples for that matter...when placed upon the tongue and introduced to the oral cavern I chew my food with...it's really fairly simple...they are all gonna react differently when bitten into...have ya ever had taters with onions in them...like say hash browns O'Brien for instance...yeah...me too...and I've NEVER taken a mouthful of those tasty little morsels and thought to myself...WOW...this tastes like a feels awkwardly like I'm masticating a buncha apples...NOPE...not one single time...NOR have I ever had Dutch Apple pie and thought to myself...NOW who in the hell put onions in here...it just doesn't happen...think about it folks...if this were true...couldn't ya just substitute them for each other in recipes...without anyone noticing...doctor up some potato soup with apples if they happen to be on sale that day...can't be too hard to find something that smells like taters...just to fool the other senses...RIGHT...I love tidbits like this...because you could substitute any other fruits and vegetables and come up with the same thing...sure aroma has alot to do with a person's willingness to try something...but it doesn't trick them into believing they're eating something they're not...I suppose if you had lost your sense of smell you might not be as opposed to trying some of the fouler smelling foods from various cuisines...and the food might take on a sort of blandness...but I doubt very seriously you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between two food groups on consistency alone...potatoes seldom burst with the juiciness of an apple...onions seldom come apart with a bite like an apple or potato...since they are formed in layers...don't be fooled into thinkin' that when you go home tonight and wanna make Steak and fried taters...that throwin' Spam and apples on the stove is gonna come out like a 5 star cuisine...it isn't gonna happen...ya know what would make these items taste the same???  Helen Keller...or someone like her...born deaf...dumb and blind...then you could tell them whatever ya wanted...how the hell would they know...logically sane people aren't gonna fall for this kinda bullshit...well most won't...there will be a few that read this and decided to go have some of McDonald's Kid's Meal apple fries just to be sure...but they walk around with bibs and should be easy to spot...Have a Great Day folks!!!

THOSE CRAZY CALIFORNIANS!!!

In CA, it's a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale...

unless the target is a whale...those enormous...lumbering land giants...you remember...the ones always cloggin' up the beaches...when they are about to die...what great targets they make...ya can't hunt whales with guns anyway...at least NOT in their natural habitat...water and bullets don't always interact as expected...and I'd like to see the moron who has a harpoon mounted to the hood of his beach runner...trying to shoot a whale offshore on a migration journey...I'm thinkin the whale is gonna win that little battle...as soon as it heads out to sea...and the fact that your vehicle isn't water resistant or buoyant becomes...oh so apparent...didn't really think that one through to well didja...ya ever seen a Whaling Ship...from countries that still support hunting whales???  There's a definite reason they are so big...and built without tires...because whales don't drive on HIGHWAYS...why don'tcha just make hunting from a moving vehicle illegal since you shouldn't be driving and shooting off firearms anyway...that's a drunken hillbilly sport that hasn't made it into the Pig Pickin' Olympics as of yet!!!  I mean seriously...unless you have a dune buggy...you're chances of getting anywhere near close enough to a whale to fire an effective shot are severely limited...it's not like they have alotta freeways runnin along the coast...and the ones that do...don't provide much in the way of an unobstructed field of fire...therefore it isn't very advantageous to go cruisin down the PCH on a whale huntin' safari...ya might as well be huntin' the California Condor with a dollar store slingshot...the results are gonna be the same...NOBODY ever makes the front page of the local paper for shootin' a big ol' whale from the front passenger seat of their lowrider...that's just ridiculous...I mean ya might as well be huntin' African Elephant from a boat off the Ivory Coast...I doubt you would have much better luck with that...it's like somebody drank tainted Tang for breakfast...where in the hell do people come up with these things...and why do they ut them on the books...I mean seriously...even if ya break the law it's only a misdemeanor...what's that for a die hard road hunter...a slap on the wrist...not that big a deal...I'd skip on the whale huntin' ventures and concentrate on getting bigger land based game...even if ya hafta pay a fine...if ya get somethin big enough it could fill the freezer alot cheaper than goin' to the grocery store...talk about missin' the point with that little law...coulda thrown darts at dumb shit to enact as a law and come up with better results...I mean there's some dumb sh*t in the world...and then there is some DUMB sh*t in the world...if ya know what I'm sayin'...I mean really...I could come up with some more weird sh*t ya shouldn't be allowed to do in California...how about making it illegal to hunt otters unless it's so foggy ya can't see 2 inches in front of your face...or maybe...you could make it illegal for immigrant actors to hold key positions of government if they still can't speak good English...I can't imagine seein' Ahnuld on a four wheel whale huntin' expedition..."GET TO DA BITCHES NOW!!!"...he meant BEACHES...but you get the picture...how about...if ya wanna hunt whales from a moving vehicle along the California Coast...ya hafta dress up like a seal and swim among them for a minute during a feeding frenzy...you make it thru that...I think you've earned the right to fire at will from anywhere ya want...hell you make it thru a pod of whales on a feeding excursion...dressed like their favorite food source...and you can hunt whatever the hell you want from a moving vehicle...preferably a few of those wanna be badasses that wear their pants around their damn ankles...which is probably most of the state...I mean I would think you'd pass a law requiring anyone operating a motorized vehicle within the boundaries of the state...to wear their pants in such a fashion that the  lap protion of the seat belt rests comfortably 4 inches below the waist line of the occupants pants...NOT underwear...PANTS...it's gotta be a bitch to drive...let alone worry about huntin' whales...with your PANTS puddled up at your feet...I mean seriously...it might be time to refocus some of our law passing techniques for the Golden State...I mean...one would think they were a progressive state...leading the way in legalizing PLANTS for medicinal purposes...as opposed to some concoction manufactured by a major pharmaceutical company...they've outlawed the sale of the standard incandescent light bulb far ahead of schedule...and yet they promote tire based slaughter of a sea based creature...somewhere along the way somebody got their wires crossed...there aren't too many things I disagree with...but shooting off firearms from a moving vehicle is one of them...with exceptions of course...I find it completely okay if the occupants of said vehicle have been drinkin' all day...are on the back roads of Kentucky...Tennessee...r West Virginia...and all come from the same branch of the family tree...under these circumstances I am an avid supporter...it serves to promote my policy of keeping more people in the deep end of the proverbial pool...it's Tuesday folks...the week is young...have a great day!!!

Modern Day Dummies!!!

In medieval times, trebuchet was biological warfare.  A catapult would fling a dead, rotting animal carcass into enemy territory, spreading disease...

A trebuchet is still used in modern biological warfare...the difference being that the contraption is no longer actually used on the field of battle to fling dead rotting carcasses across enemy lines...in today's day and age the trebuchet is used in the political arena...where shitty ideas are tossed around until they infect the untrained mind...spreading filth and useless sh*t for miles...here's a prime example...and I hate to use this so close to the culmination of the actual event...but the recent catastrophe in Colorado has caused an eruption of trebuchet flinging material to be disseminated to the masses...GUN CONTROL/ANTI 2ND AMENDMENT ENTHUSIASTS have already begun screaming for stricter laws regulating who can LEGALLY own guns...it seems that the message has been skewed...and here's why these idiots need to be brought before a firing squad and eliminated from our ranks...GUN CONTROL LAWS AFFECT the LAW ABIDING citizens...they do NOTHING to prevent OUTLAWS from obtaining GUNS...these people don't get it...they start with the most useless information and run with it...several theaters pulled Dark Knight Rises from their play lists and have decided to forego any small fortune the film would have resulted in to provide SAFETY for their patrons...REALLY???  So what you're saying is...some NUT job goes on a killing spree and it's the movies fault...I don't suppose he could have gone into any other theater...showing any other movie...and done the same thing...NO...it was the presence of an actor imitating a comic book super hero that set him off...RIGHT...and if you believe that shit...you're too stupid to read any further...save me the time of having to explain why our thought processes are so out of whack...you're head is lodged deep within the nether regions of your torso cavity evacuation chamber...was the incident tragic...without a doubt...should it be used to further the agenda of a few misguided souls...NOT on the darkest of days...I don't own a gun...I have in the past and the are tools for protection when placed in the hands of law abiding citizens...they are elements of death and destruction when placed in the hands of an outlaw...you don't take away guns from law abiding citizens...you make sure they have enough of them to get the job done...ya ever notice how the US military doesn't invade another country without ample firepower..you don't honestly think we send troops over there with only one gun and a handful of ammo do ya...HELL NO...they ship over armories of weapons in case somebody loses theirs...or it gets damaged...the same should apply in every household of every law abiding citizen...and instead of making people apply for a concealed weapons permit...those that own them legally should be able to walk the streets with them showing...it will separate the crazy bastards from the sane ones...because here's the thing...that guy walks into that same theater with 300 people watching the new Batman flick...and the 100 adults watching the show with their kids are armed...that f*cktard gets off 1 maybe 2 shots...before his ass is turned into a pin cushion for Smith & Wesson...I'm all for Frontier Justice...it worked for years...kept people honest...you stepped on the wrong boot and your ass had a date at high noon to see who was gettin fitted for a casket...this is what I don't get...how do you take this guy ALIVE...and WHY???  Idk about you but I don't want my taxpaying dollars to be donated to his safe keeping in some penitentiary...NOW if ya wanna strip him naked in Times Square and let every family member of the ones shot...(killed or injured)...walk by and paint their own target on his body...and publically execute him by Family Firing Squad at Point Blank range...televise it nationally and make it mandatory to watch before your TV will work again...I'll start up a fundraiser on Facebook and pay for his funeral costs in less than 5 seconds...I'll show you a trebuchet...we'll launch the body parts of the socially dysfunctional dumbasses of this nature out into the bay...let the sharks eat...it's NOT the guns that are killing people...it's the bullets that they fire that do the damage...so here's the game plan should we get somebody in office with half a potato for a brain...everyone gets a FREE gun of their choice for their 18th birthday...you register it...show them how to use it...one box of training ammo...after that...bullets cost $5,000.00 each...people won't be so apt to go on expensive shooting sprees...they won't be able to afford it...and ya throw in public displays of beheading the next bastard...light his brain bucket on fire and trebuchet that thing out into the deep blue sea...violence in this country will go to BYE BYE almost overnight...sure there will be a few stubborn asses we need to weed out...but at the hands of would be victims...NOT a corrupt Judicial System...this country should still be governed by those with the balls to take care of business...in public if need be...guns aren't the answer for every situation...but if they are going to be OWNED & USED by those outside the law...they oughtta DAMN WELL be encouraged for those living WITHIN the LAW...this country is far enough out of whack as it is...if they take our GUNS...we're all gonna know what 'Prison Bitch Syndrome' is...we'll get bent over the barrel so damn quick...you won't know what number you pulled or who's up next...the trebuchet of today is far deadlier than the ones used during the medieval days...the disease it spreads rots the mind...it cements shitty ideas across vast regions of inner space...the 6 inches between your ears...I will continue to implore all of you...even those with the tiniest of peas in their empty little pods...to think outside the box...don't be so quick to JUDGE others...especially if you don't have all the facts...or the mental capacity to formulate an opinion on the matter...what works for some people...doesn't work for others...GET USED TO IT...it's NATURAL for PEOPLE who claim to be INDEPENDENT & FREE THINKING...to do just that for themselves...have your beliefs...have your loyalties...KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF...I make fun of alotta different situations in these little episodes we usually enjoy together...sometimes I make influential arguments...I NEVER claim to be the one with all the answers...I don't even claim to be right half the time I pick apart one of these pieces of information...all I try and do is showcase things in a different light...from angles people seldom see themselves unless their attention is drawn to it...it's like fishing...if ya can't think like a fish...you're gonna drill holes in hockey rinks to try and feed your family come winter...Don't be the guy fishing from Center Ice...LIVE & LET LIVE...unless living means you have the capacity to do dumb shit like kill a bunch of innocent civilians who were just trying to enjoy visual entertainment...12 Dead...another 50 wounded...looks like we have enough witnesses to trebuchet a trial right out the f**kin' window if ya ask me...caught him alive...feed him...interrogate him for a maximum of 36 hours...then set him FREE...let NATURE take it's course...you ever watch other animal groups...they eliminate the weak or unwanted from the rest of the herd...sometimes lethally...often times with such a strong message they NEVER show their face among their own kind AGAIN...we are the DUMBEST smart creature walking the planet...half of us wouldn't even know a trebuchet if we saw one...let alone what the hell it could be used for...thankfully I watch the History Channel...and history tells me we are doing shit wrong...this is the worst...most inept empire in the history of man...we allow 62 individuals to be shot...killed...wounded...traumatized for life...as well as how many other witnesses...or phobics who...because of this isolated incident...will NEVER go out in public again...and we give the person responsible a place to LIVE on OUR DIME...that's NOT...Land of the FREE & the home of the BRAVE...that's Land of the DUMB & home of the soon to be latest fallen from grace empire on Earth...there are changes that need to be made...are the ones I suggested the right ones...for some it is...people often ask me...Would you feel the same way if the assailant was your own child?  G**DAMN right I would...I'm NOT hypocritical on the subject...it would be preached from birth...you screw up and step too far outta line...these other people are gonna take you...cut you into nice healthy chunks...and trebuchet your carcass all over Main St...and they're gonna put it on TV...you wanna know how popular this program would be...implement it NOW...my grandchildren will hafta watch reruns of public executions on some weird thing called a DVD...if they can even find somebody that still has a player...look around the world...some of the very countries we are at WAR with...participate in public displays of punishment...some Arab countries kill prisoners in public...some chop off hands for stealing from the market...others cut off feet for trying to run from the authorities...is it the right answer???  It works...kinda hard to steal if you don't have hands...chances are you won't be fleeing the country anytime soon if you're footless...BRUTAL...definitely...EFFECTIVE...without a doubt...we protect our criminals from Cruel & Unusual punishment...for committing acts of CRUEL & UNUSUAL punishment on their victims...if that isn't the most fundamentally f**ked up logic on this planet...I'll snip the tip of my tally whacker and trebuchet that mushroom topped temptation with triple times tachyon speed...it's been over 36 hours...I should be popping some corn and kicking back with my children watching somebody's soul depart their body...if his family members want to get involved...PERFECT...the more the merrier...get rid of them too...it'll prevent revenge killings in the future!!!  

NO SHIT CARLOS!!!

The United States never lost a war in which mules were used....

That's right folks you heard it here first...the global force for good navy producing United States of America has never lost a war in which mules were used...and that's because we don't use mules...as a general rule they are easier to dodge then big nasty flesh tearing bullets...and being the gluttons of excess that we are in this country...we have to win at all costs...we haven't lost a war yet in which camels were the primary source of transportation for the towel heads either...but hey who's counting...the only problem we seem to have is in invading tiny little jungle covered rice paddy populations...where they took...run to the hills...to a whole new meaning...f**kin' mules...seriously...there has only been one famous MULE in the history of American warfare...and that dumb bastahd is only famous for getting in the way of one General George S. Patton...so before ya go pickin a short fight with a long armed man...ya might wanna make sure you're not mounting up on burro's...we have no tolerance for coffee bean battalions of Colombians stomping at our door...ya hafta move up the ladder a bit...relocate to Mexico...lose the mule...grab a sombrero and head on across the border...why do they bother putting patrols along there...or even making people show their papers to come across...who really gives a shit anymore...it's a byproduct of Bumblin' Bills half erect NAFTA plan...I think that idiot blew half his load on her dress before he signed that into law...whadda dumbass...we ship all of jobs to Mexico for cheap labor and they send all of their cheap laborers to us...to fill the jobs we no longer have...what a great exchange program...World Power trips on lip...sends all American jobs to foreign countries...in an apparent attempt to separate itself from other industrialized nations that actually try to keep and maintain their best careers for their countrymen...shipping finished products to other international communities in a blatant attempt to maximize profit potential...give it a few more years and there won't be one single thing stamped...Made in America...hell half the flags that people fl on their front porch in support of our troops...who by the way are winning another war in which we haven't used mules...at least not to m knowledge...are made in China...land of ten million seamstresses...the point being...we aren't losing any of the physical...blood and guts...my dick is bigger than yours battles...like in Afghanistan...and that's just awesome...because we all know what a lack of sand we have here in the states...what we are losing is each and every battle being waged on the technological front...we are getting our asses kicked by a buncha people we dropped bombs on...hell we can't even show up at the CES (consumer's Electronic Show) with a product made by an American owned and operated company...oh sure they are there...with their litle cubicles set up...displaying all the latest advancements in technology that their company has to offer...not one of which they have manufactured themselves.  who gives a shit if you can beat the snot outta a buncha morons on mules...they obviously haven't attained the knowledge of a civilized nation...why are ya screwin' with them...the only people dumb enough to use mules in warfare are our cousins south of the border...and they apparently don't use them either...traveling on foot thru underground tunnels being what it is...if you popped up on our side riding a burro...we would hafta deport ya on general principle...we're trying to keep the idiot levels in the gene pool at an all time low...show up stupid and we will send ya swimmin' back to your homeleand...or take the mule in exchange for a job at Taco Bell...why is it that Taco bell is the only fast food restaurant that doesn't hire relative ethnic groups...if you go to KFC in a metropolitan area you're likely to see African Americans serving you behind the counter...(STFU...I don't make the rules...I just observe them)...if you go to an Arby's it'll be a white middle class kids handing you your food...McD's...Burger King...Wendy's...primarily lower class white and black kids looking for a break...but if you go to Taco Bell...you NEVER find one Mexican behind the counter...why is that???  I mean that's like going to a Barmitzvah only to find out there aren't any Jews in attendance...WTF???   Sorry...momentary ADD/ADHD/JOOTT episode...oh and JOOTT stands for Just One Of Those Things...but seriously...we're fighting the wars over desert with more firepower than we are the wars on technology...if the one with the biggest toys wins...I hafta say...we're suckin' hind tit and headed for the bottom of the ladder...we better step it up and let the mules go idly by...otherwise we're gonna find ourselves vacating this little section of the planet for places with better job opportunities...there has NOT a war been won or lost...only started and finished...everyone loses something in the heat of battle...one side just comes out of the ordeal with a few extra bodies and the ability to regroup before the other...MULES or NO MULES doesn't matter...warriors do not scan the battlefield for foes on burro's...they search for things worthy of a justifiable death and they execute them with extreme prejudice...and if you happen to be on a battlefield in the future...take my advice...when you see the little white flag go flying...redirect the focus of your firepower to that location...there are no prisoners in war...just dead enemies...stop screwin around and usin my damn tax dollars to feed the fallen soldiers of those you sent my brothers to destroy...ya buncha damn idiots...if you let them surrender...take them in...fee...clothe and shelter them...if nothing else they will fornicate once released and populate their little portion of the planet with more idiots we will hafta go back and kill later...I swear...you people NEVER want to see the day I gain control of a country...this piddly ass politically correct warfare fiasco bullshit would stop...3 days max...in and out of a country with our flag flying over it as a newly claimed property...you piss us off you have a 24 hour window to get the f**k outta dodge...pack your mule and migrate muthaf**kerz cuz every single piece of ordinance we have at our disposal is going to be launched...dropped or torpedoed into your section of the Earth...for 3 straight days...if anything moves after that we send in the troops...(don't gimme the boo-hoo bullshit over the civilian casualties...they were the ones that created these little towel headed bastards in the first place)...they go down to...send a message that we don't give a shit anymore than the terrorists...wanna take our a few thousand of our civilian population...why should we care if half your brother is in Kuwait and the other half is in Kandahar...I don't...maybe I see things differently because I have served with some of these fine individuals in our military...and watching them fight with their hands tied is enough to make me projectile vomit...or maybe it's because I have no regard for the human lives that have no regard for mine...are there going to be casualties involving citizens that were not supportive of the overthrown government or regime...sure there are...it's called War...NOT Disneyland...you wanna fantasy go stick your head in the freezer with Walt!!!

Teenage Torture!!!

According to a Massachusetts law, punishment for children over 16 acting stubborn or rebellious was death...

Isn't that a kick in the teeth...you get to put up with their shit for a full 16 years...at which time you have 1 year to kill them off before they reach adult status...doesn't seem fair...where is the justice...I look at my kids and wonder how my parents ever missed out on a Golden Opportunity to move to Massachusetts...whaddaya need 6 months of living in the state to be considered a resident???  Plan it right and 16th Birthdays all across America could be held in one convenient location...a ditch on one side...and shiny new cars on the other...act the hell up and see which side your little protruding through puberty...pouty little ass ends up...I'll tell ya what...my ass woulda been operatin' the backhoe...diggin' ditches that would make the Grand Canyon seem like a wee crack in the Earth's crust...rebellious is an understatement associated with the youth of America...especially in urban settlements with populations over 100,000...unruly little bastards...backed by the government's War on Child Rearing...which stipulates in NO uncertain terms...that the methods that worked for you and I as children...threatening glares...the ability of the parent figure to strike the fear of some Almighty being...directly into the very fabric of our flesh...piercing our hearts and causing us to cower...aren't sufficient methods for raising children today...ya can't discipline children with any type of physical abuse...a slap to the face for running a foul mouth and showing disrespect to an elder or a parent is NO longer allowed...ya know when I was growing up it didn't matter who the elder was...parent...friend or stranger...if you're ass got outta line you got a swat on the ass...and ya sat your ass in the corner til they were satisfied you had paid your dues...today we have Time Outs...which we can't really enforce...because if we lay a hand on little Timmy to direct him to the Time-out table for troubled children...we face more sever punishment from the government that supports this program...and it is one awesome...asshat suckin' stupid situation for us to be in...look at what we have...more violent youth than at any other time in American History...you wouldn't get away with this shit in the 70's...people woulda lined up around the block for miles to take a crack at your dumb ass...these kids today have no respect for life of any kind...they believe they are even more invincible than those that came before them...you know when I was younger my friends treated my parents with respect...they were welcomed at the house and treated like extended family...they didn't barge in...sit down...grab the remote and make themselves at home...NOT that that kinda thing happens in my house...because I don't play by the rules...you step outta line here and I'll beat your ass verbally from one end of the house to the next...you'll leave here a much wiser person and you won't return until you've learned the manners that the rest of us consider acceptable for public behavior...ya know...a lot of people misunderstand my quiet nature as that of being most commonly associated with a timid type of personality...it isn't until they have tipped the scales of tolerance that they realize their mistake...kids these days push boundaries at much earlier ages than ever before...letting them live until they are 16 seems a bit excessive in some circumstances...ya hafta remember most of them are going to grow up runnin the streets and over populating the planet with little gangsta's that they can't take care of...if we lower the age across the states we stand a better chance of enjoying a deeper gene pool through the process of elimination...I'm NOT advocating the extermination of our youth...just the threat of a possibility...something to place the power of parenting back into the hands of the ones who should be responsible for their kids...the children have the upper hand...my son Matthew learned at the very early age of 3 just how much power a child possesses...when he disagreed with me telling him he couldn't have something he asked for...he threatened to call 911...which I told him to go ahead and do...thinking he had no clue as to what he was talking about...let alone doing...about 2 minutes later my phone rang...and I answered a very inquisitive 911 operator...MATTHEW is still among the living...a choice I, myself would NOT  have had available had I pulled a similar stunt at any age...to be honest with ya...I'm kinda surprised I survived to be the age I am now...and I thought my generation pushed the envelope to the extreme...we were aware of what the consequences were if our parents caught on to our shenanigans...the possibility of being punished with a 6 ft. belt...3 ft wide...with meat hooks dangling from the eyelets on the belt was greatly enhanced...hell we knew there was the possibility we wouldn't see our friends for the entire summer if we got grounded for doin' somethin' stupid...try grounding a kid today...anything you do to enforce the punishment is considered child abuse and can be used against you...you ground a kid today in America...you'll be lucky if they don't hire an attorney and sue you for false imprisonment...cruel and unusual punishment...assault with intent to do great bodily harm...domestic violence...you name it...think I'm kiddin'...look around in the country's courtrooms...this shit happens all the time...kids act like animals...beat their parents...with anthing and everything...and when the parents retaliate...they get branded and burdened with proving their innocence...sometimes respect is earned the hard way...through brutality...ask any warrior pounding the parched desert of some foreign...double hump...camel jockey country...those bastards didn't respect us until we came over and started kickin' their asses back to the stone age...swattin' a kid on the ass...backhandin' a sassy mouth that utters disrespectful discourse at those that spare no expense to raise them...grounding a child to a specific area for stepping out of line...with underground hidden electric fences and shock collars if necessary...are all fabulous ideas in my book...they worked for my generation...I still open doors for ladies...and let them enter before me...I respect my elders enough to offer them assistance...even if I don't have time...I take time to listen to what my elders have to say...hoping to gain some hidden wisdom...you can't speak to kids these days without sending them a text...they have fully functional phones...capable of calling people...but they can't take their eyes off the screen long enough to make a phone call...if it comes in the form of a text...the will actually read it...otherwise you might as well be throwing paint in a fan to try and coat your walls evenly...the results will be the same...shit will go everywhere...and none of it will sink in where ya want it to...I think we should send all of our kids under the age of 13 to Washington D.C. for a week at a time to live in the pocket of a politician...they wanna protect them...let them parent them for a week...we'll be spankin' kids in school again in no time...I don't know what the answer is...but I know what the answer isn't...it isn't letting the government have any more power over how we conduct our lives...some things work well in moderation...child abuse is excessive and should be controlled accordingly...but discipling our children with a little physical punishment will go a long ways towards how they act as adults...if they get that far...HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

HERE KITTY

To control foot odor, fill a couple of old socks with scented cat litter, tie them shut, and stuff them in your shoes overnight...

Let's see...how long is this gonna take on a Monday Moanin' kinda mornin...before somebody sees the light bulb???  AH...There it is...3rd row back...guy in the grey tweed sweater vest...with the shrimp cocktail colored hair...yeah you...what did you come up with...True or False???   ENNNNN...wrong answer...it's TRUE...but NOT for the reasons you might think...see if you have an outdoor cat...like I do..and if you don't...SHAME on you...why don't you try living inside the 4 walls of your house for a lifetime and see how you like it...they're pets...NOT prisoners...NOT that I'm an activist...blow that shit out your ass...Man hasta eat...and VEGETATION...is for HERBIVORE's...of which I am NOT...anyway...before I touch that pipe again...where was I...OH YEAH...'if you have an outdoor cat...like I do...' right...now I gotcha...then you probably don't have a litter box in your house...and therefore you wouldn't have any litter readily available...which requires a trip to the store for a bag of scented cat litter...(and this is where the author and I disagree...scented or unscented...it isn't gonna matter...actually it will appear quite insignificant the further we go down this rabbit hole...Alice and I)...once the litter selection has been made...and any old bag will do...pick the one with the cutest picture...I don't care...that's irrelevant too...make the necessary purchase and proceed home...grab a couple of old socks...stuff them with whichever nasal flavored cat litter you bought...you don't really need to tie them shut...you can if you want to...but it isn't entirely necessary...and shove those bad mamma jamma's in your foul smellin'...swamp rottin'...toe fungus fumigating footwear and stand back...Oh don't worry...no need to be alarmed...there isn't gonna be a chemical reaction or anything hazard...I mean there might be a few plumes or wisps of smoke that rise from the cavity of the crusty topped tennies...but nothing should like explode or erupt...if this happens...seek an amputee specialist...and pray the stench doesn't spread to your shins...otherwise the real fun won't start until your outdoor cat comes home...sniffs out the cat litter filled shoes and realizes it doesn't hafta piss and shit outside AFTERALL...you will wake up in the morning with an entirely new smell to your sneakers...I'll damn near guarantee it...and if by chance your cat doesn't come home over night...and you have unused cat litter still in your shoes...don't go gettin' all giddy...ya still gotta wear the things in public...and if ya do alot of walkin'...you should be the hottest attraction in town for all the strays...kick your shoes off outside a Chinese Westawaunt and use them as BAIT..."Dinner's on me tonight fella's"...I'll tell ya what...try this little trick and then go see the Lions and Tigers at your nearby Circus...if one's available...see where that gets ya...you think foot odor was a problem...wait til every cat in the neighborhood wants to shit in your shoe...ya wanna know how a moron of this magnitude should have controlled foot odor...by NOT placing the damn thing in his mouth...obviously the shit spewin' from that glorious cake hole of his got wedged between the toes and fermented...like the shitty ideas in his head...what kinda f**knut popped you outta it's pooper during a botched breach delivery...holy crap...what's next...somebody gonna start sportin' scented dryer sheets in their skivvies...make all the ladies think ya lay down logs of lavender...I mean really...if you have foul smellin' feet it's because your lazy ass can't spare the time to bend over in the shower and wash them...or you're too lazy to do laundry...how long have ya had that same pair of socks on...they're startin' to fade a bit at the ankle line their Sasquatch...might wanna consider usin a pair with a little less miles on it...maybe something that can still be folded without a hammer and anvil...FOOT ODOR is caused by improper maintenance of the foot itself...your feet need to breathe...they are a primary source of heat release from the body...keeping them cramped up in socks and shoes all day and through the night...SUFFOCATES them...causes them to perspire excessively...and ultimately results in the PUTREFACTION of the Pedestial Path Punchers we call feet...Foot Fungus...such as Athlete's Foot...or worse yet...the dreaded Jungle Rot...and as a person that knows all too well how absolutely painful it can be...let me tell you what has worked for me...without fail damn near every time it begins to show up...FRESH AIR...I keep my feet out of socks and shoes as much as possible...we are animals people...just like the other creatures...you don't see them runnin' around with shoes made from the flesh of their human victims do ya???  And most of them have no complaints about foot odor...or fungus...ya don't see people run around with gloves on their hands all day do ya???  NO...because the same damn thing would happen...you'd throw up every time ya hadta shake somebodies half-clammy assed hand...nasty bastahd...WHY I OUGHTTA...pay attention to what our body tells ya...we weren't born with socks and shoes on...or all these other fancy fashionable things...why must we break with the tradition of the rest of the Animal Kingdom and continue to cover our bodies???  DON'T ANSWER THAT...I don't ask a question unless I already know the answer myself...WHY??? Because I am the only one I trust with my belief system...and I believe that if we didn't cover our bodies...FOOT ODOR wouldn't even be in our VOCABULARY...there would only be one 4 letter "F" word on the planet...and it's already being used UNIVERSALLY!!!

AAAAHHHH-chu!!!

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die...

Yeah...and where do ya suppose they go???  Brain cell heaven...idiot...apparently another NUMBIE that missed an important chapter in that 6th grade Biology class...YES...cells die off...SHIT HAPPENS...the beauty about cells is that they...multiply...regenerate...become replaced...unless of course you're a brainless bucket of human fecal matter...that overstates the obvious without clarifying the ultimate end result...I'll bet this came from one of the worst possible people walking this planet...a college level professor...DUMBASS...not only did he waste his parents money on furthering his educational endeavors...he BOUGHT into it enough to TEACH it to others...now don't get me wrong...I'm all for expanding the intellectual capacity of each and every bipedal human being on this planet...but NOT at the expense of becoming DUMBER in the process...STFAICYMLS...a new IM acronym I just came up with...(Stay The F**k Awake In Class Ya Might Learn Somethin')...of course there are other problems with this THEORY...and I call it a THEORY because I'm NOT about to waste countless hours on researching the validity of the facts...verifiable or not...it's all too obvious...at least to me...that there can NOT be any scientific evidence to support this IDEA...NOTION...what did I say...THEORY...how can you begin to attempt and PROVE this little morsel of nasal nugget trivia???  You can't...it isn't possible to view the human brain during a sneezing episode...and I DARE say that they don't come blasting out with your nasal seepage when it ends up in a tissue...because that's SNOT...a gelatinous...mountain of colorful mucus...NOT quite as solid as the above average human brain...NOW there are some among us who I have NO doubt lose countless thousands if NOT millions of brain cells from a single sneeze...it shows in their ability to comprehend basic biological information with regard to how things in the human meat sack operate...damn mush melon membranes anyway...you know the sort...you can see what their thinking before it registers on their face...they're always the last one to laugh at the funniest joke of the night...you've seen them...slower than an acrophobic window washer on the Empire State Building...takes them 3 tries just to gather the particulars of the punch-line before they finally catch on and laugh at the inappropriate moment of the delivery of the 4th jokes opening line...they're usually the ones that can't read the headlines of a national newspaper without their facial features becoming cloudy with confusion...they're the ones panicking over the NEXT end of days event...huddled in masses with Kool-Aid packets for every person...single serving this time...no need to waste supplies...the trial project went off without a hitch...should work the second time around just as well...and with the single servings they all get to choose the flavor of their poison...I'll tell ya...the wealth of knowledge that comes pouring out of these institutions of higher learning is overwhelming to say the least...half-assed answers regarding information none of us gives a flyin' f**k at a rollin' donut about...how the hell do ya get it to STOP...these damn places are a huge thorn in my ass...they take loans from financial institutions for people that want to attend college...they teach them the DUMBEST shit on EARTH...send them out with a nice diploma...they NEVER repay their student loans...the rest of us get to bail them out with taxpayer funds...and the best we get is dead brain cells are caused from sneezing...what happens if ya have a sneezing fit...do ya blackout and fall over???  It's a good thing it's FRIDAY...we get another weekend free from IGNORANCE in EDUCATION...you folks have a great weekend...carry a wad of tissue with you in your pocket...wouldn't want anyone to go spillin' cellular nasal matter all over the place...ya might show up to work on MONDAY to DUMB to continue following the BLOG!!!

SHERLOCKIAN WISDOM!!!

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath....

Well of course ya can't kill yourself by holding your breath...and now ya wanna know the rest of the story...don'tcha...otherwise what would today be...just another Tumultuous Thursday...and now for the why factor...BECAUSE people normally hold their breath for one of three reasons...SOMEBODY else in the room FLOATED an unsavory air biscuit...you yourself have a severe case of body rattlin' hiccups...or you're about to go under water...that magical substance made up of Oxygen and Hydrogen...that you can't BREATHE successfully...can't kill yourself holding your breath...which is in fact BULLSHIT...Houdini died while trying to hold his breath long enough to survive...the ocean floors are littered with the bones of shipwrecked passengers and crew...who I dare say went down trying like hell to hold their breath for one more second...ya know what else ya can't do...ya can't kill yourself by using silly string as a noose...it won't hold up...a trip to the local hardware store is necessary to find the right width of ROPE...ya can't kill yourself  by overdosing on marijuana...scientifically impossible...ask Bob Marley...ya need FDA APPROVED PHARMACEUTICALS to off yourself successfully...pot just makes ya pass out...or so I've been told...ya get the right kind and it will mess with your memory and change your eating habits for an hour...but you won't hafta worry about waking up in the hospital with a tube down your throat and a nice concoction of prescription medication funneling out into a bucket...ya might wanna dress quickly and make a hasty exit...depending on who's house you wake up in...and whether or not you were invited...most of you may be wondering why I brought up the subject of marijuana as a method of ways ya can't kill yourself...because as I said earlier it tends to screw with your memory...as it just did with mine...smokin' medicinal marijuana is the 4th reason a person holds their breath and yet is unable to commit cannabis sativa suicide...as a matter of fact...hit it too hard and holding your breath alone...will become an arduous task...if ya bogart the doobie and cough out a huge hit...ya might get pummeled to death by the remaining members of the party...but it won't be from HOLDING your breath...instead it will be from the direct result of NOT HOLDING your breath long enough...I've NEVER understood why people would want to kill themselves anyway...what could be that depressing???  I've had some very upsetting and depressing moments throughout life...haven't once thought of killing myself...mighta had fleeting flashes of relevant information like when somebody says..."How's Life?"...and I reply...TAKING FOR F**KIN' EVER!!!  but NEVER thought of taking a premature dirt nap...there's too many places on this planet that haven't yet been explored...there's NO way in hell ANYBODY should ever allow ANOTHER individual the comfort and luxury of having that much control over a situation or an outcome...I mean seriously...if you aren't happy with where you are in life...then change the path your on...don't just drop a DEAD END sign and walk off into the afternothing...I call it that because there is NO such thing as an afterLIFE...I'm NOT even religious and I can interpret the Bible...ashes to ashes & dust to dust...means just that...sprang up from the ground...bacteria...and shit from outerspace...and that is what we return to eventually...depending on the rate of decomposition...besides if I'm WRONG...and we can all count on our fingerless hands how many times that has happened...if you kill yourself...and enter into some other plane of existence where you are reconnected with all the friends and family members of the past as well as any from the future...aren'tcha defeating the purpose of killing yourself...you're just gonna get there earlier than the ones who pissed you off...they'll come later...with more toys...and be declared the WINNERS...and then where do ya go...ya DAMN sure can't commit suicide again...CUZ YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD...probably one of the reasons you NEVER call the SUICIDE HOTLINE and get help from a male representative...if they're anything like me...I'm gonna be multi-tasking...coffee...cigarette...ESPN on the Big Screen...chances are I won't even know ya called until I hear sirens in the background...that all depends on how exciting the days events were in the sports world...I've little compassion for people that take this way out...it's COWARDLY regardless of the circumstances...so here endeth the lesson for today class...if something has pushed you this deep into depression...STAND THE F**K UP & FACE IT...trust me...if you weren't meant to be here...we'd find ways to eliminate you ourselves...I hear walking the streets in Florida is all the rage here recently...3 cheers for f**ktards in Florida for mis-interpreting the Constitution once again...Have a Great Day!!!

FISH ASSHOLES!!!

The rectal temperature of the Icelandic codfish is 34 degrees F...

...and that's extremely important and useful information right there...especially if you consider FISH ASSHOLES a delicacy...who in the name of Erasmus decided they wanted to stick a thermometer up the backside of an Icelandic Cod...you've nothing better to do then grab a rectal thermometer and go jabbin' it up a poor helpless fishes ass...whaddaya practicin' to be an alien abductor in your next life???  Gonna come sneakin' up behind a pod of dolphins waitin to probe one of them next???  I mean seriously...who needs to know this...and WHY???  They are FISH...they are a FOOD SOURCE...I don't care how cold the asshole of the fish is when it's caught...cuz one of two things is going to happen...they will either filet it...in which case the asshole will NEVER appear on my plate...or they'll serve the bastahd whole...in which case I don't plan on eating any part of the fish within a 3" diameter of the exit factory of said fish...there has gotta be somethin' seriously wrong with your medula oblongata if you're runnin around testin the temperature of the rectal cavities of fish...what were ya hopin to discover from that little extra credit effort???  Didja win a pocket protector at the World Science Fair for F**cktards...take it home and proudly display it on your wall...nic conversation piece that must be..."Hey look folks...I got this award for stickina long shiny object up the ass of this Icelandic Cod I caught"..."AND???"  where do ya go from there...what's next...lemme get this straight now...12 years of school...another 4 years for the bachelor's degree...4 more years for a Master's...another 2 years for a PhD...and you're finished after testing the gas passin' chamber of a Cod named after a country...BRA-F**KIN'-VO!!!  you coulda donated all that money to feeding a family in Ethiopia for CENTURIES...but NO...you...you're a selfish prick aren'tcha???   Gotta go and waste it on something ridiculous like the poop chute of a fish after it's done floppin' around for a bit...what's your professional title there junior...Necrophiliac Fish Sodomy Specialist...and you ignorant bastahds can't figure out why sharks attack...or why Asian Carp jump into boats trying to wreak havoc on fishermen...they view you asshole fondling fish f**kers as the mothership of aliens...think about it...you float around at the edge of their atmosphere...you abduct the dumb ones and start jammin' shit where it doesn't belong...for no apparent scientific reason...or benefit to society...how many times have ya morons probed sharks...or Asian Carp for that matter...what is this a global conspiracy from the fish fart factory fondlers of the world...try to keep people outta the oceans by pissin' off the ugly fish???   Where is this information useful...I mean seriously...somebody tell me I'm wrong...that there is a very valid reason we need to know what the internal temperature of an Icelandic Cod's Crap cutter is...that thousands of lives were saved...that they think it might lead to a cure for cancer...ANYTHING...don't let me be right...AGAIN...I am kinda curious as to what the process is...because I dare say if you wasted that much of your life studying the wrong books...you haven't a hairball's chance in hell of being able to catch a fish...let alone an Icelandic Cod...how didja itch that to the captain and crew..."Listen fella's...I have this scientific study I'd like to conduct...I have this vision of sticking this thing...(holds up rectal thermometer)...up the anus of an Icelandic Cod in the hopes of establishing a significant internal temperature...whaddaya think...it'll make ya famous..."   I can't believe somebody didn't slap the stupid sonofabitch over the rail and keep this information from becoming public...talk about missin' a golden opportunity...that woulda at least madeja famous among the crew members...hindsight's a motherf**ker ain't it...try usin' some FORESIGHT next time...it'll solve all those problems where you hafta keep lookin' back at all the dumb shit you've done with the life you wasted money on...see you folks on Thursday!!!