GO BLIND BLUE!!!

In 1997, Michigan became the 16th state to allow the blind to hunt...

NOW I know...most of you are thinkin'...this is the DUMBEST idea I have ever heard...me personally...under normal circumstances...I would agree 100%...absolutely ridiculous...BUT...it could be a blessing in disguise...if used appropriately...keep in mind...these people have no idea where they are or what they are hunting for...hunting blinds for the blind could be placed strategically around the state where politicians are part of the populace...see where I'm goin' with this...even when these idiots pass laws that seem to have been enacted with NO forethought...there are ways it could be put to good use...but seriously...I think they passed this law for one reason and one reason ONLY...statistical input from the hunting community...NOT that hunters wanted their blind associates to accompany them...the policy passers simply listened to what they were hearing from those that bought licenses over the years...the most commonly heard phrase at hunting camps in Michigan is..."I DIDN'T SEE SHIT!"...which led the lawmakers to assume that many of the hunters were blind...if they passed a law allowing the blind to hunt...they could eliminate those that didn't shoot a deer from the statistics they gathered to indicate how successful the season was...it's kinda like how the federal government knocks registered voters off the ballot count and replace them with people that have been dead for centuries in order to put the next puppet in the position of power...but seriously...ya know why you should NOT let blind people hunt???  Because they are BLIND...while NOT being able to see is an unfortunate incident to hafta deal with...it comes with certain benefits as well as disadvantages... BLIND people are fortunate...they do NOT hafta look at the ugliness of the world on a daily basis...they do NOT hafta scour the Earth for a pretty life partner...anything with a pulse will do...but it also comes with disadvantages...or things they should NOT be allowed to do...such as HUNT...Obummer wants to take our guns...and Michigan wants the blind to carry buckets of bullets out into the woods...I know in this age of Political Correctness in which we find ourselves mired in... efforts are being made to include everyone from all walks of life in our daily activities...but let's be honest...how effective is a BLIND hunter???  A kill shot requires precision of sight...unless of course you are hunting with an automatic assault rifle...or a bomb...in which case precision is replaced with minimizing collateral damage...a BLIND hunter would therefore be about as effective as a BLIND open heart surgeon...you might think it's a good idea at first...until you walk outta the emergency room lookin' like the Bride of Frankenberry...I find it odd that the state of Michigan would pass such a law without the foresight of providing further provisions...when you stop to think about it...allowing the BLIND to hunt...requires several other perks to be in place...hunters wear orange vests so that other gun toting friends of the forest can SEE them and NOT mistakenly shoot them...a requirement BLIND people lack the ability to carry out...how do you correct this problem...make all vision enhanced hunters wear bells on their boots...kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it...for most people...the BLIND included...the opportunity to go hunting also requires driving to the location of interest...another aspect the BLIND are ill equipped to handle on their own...this is easily rectified since they can hitch a ride...however if you are like me...and I NO longer hunt by the way...but if I did...and I had BLIND friends that wanted to tag along...I dare say I would place them in a windowless hunting blind while I was out trying to bag a buck...Oh shut up...you'd do it to...because who wants Billy...the BLIND GUY...Gustafson to be left in a location they could launch body piercing projectiles in their general direction...didn't think so...and guess what...they are NOT gonna know anyway...they're BLIND...they'll answer the question at camp the same as everyone else..."I didn't SEE shit today!"...and honestly that is all that will matter to them...they wanna fit in...and when NOBODY else SEES a buck they will feel like part of the gang...I know what you're thinkin'...that ONLY works if NOBODY shoots a deer...wrong...you set up 2 buck poles...one with NOTHING hangin from it...that way the BLIND don't feel left out...the other pole full of all the animals NOBODY saw that day...I know what some of you are thinking...you're sittin there shakin your damn head wonderin what in the hell is wrong with this guy...advising cruel practices for the BLIND that wanna hunt...listen I didn't say anything the rest of you weren't already thinkin'...I NEVER suggested placing their hunting blind in the middle of an 8 lane highway during rush hour...ask yourself a few questions and pay attention to your own answers...Would you let a BLIND person drive the cab you hailed???  Would you jump on a plane that was beinging piloted by a BLIND aviator???  Would you visit a BLIND optometrist for an eye test???  Would you let a BLIND banker handle your money???  (Well maybe...could turn out in your favor)...Would you let a BLIND proctologist place a finger in your poop chute???  NO...why???  BECAUSE they cannot SEE what they are doing...same reason you don't hand them a gun and let them go to work in the woods lookin for edible critters...if this was such a good idea don't you think the U.S. Government woulda sent a BLIND Navy Seals team after bin Laden...they didn't...why???  Because they were counting on the rest of us being BLIND to the truth...lemme remind you what happened to those brave warriors that were tasked with doing something NOBODY on Earth could pull off for over a decade...their helicopter...carrying every single member that was involved in the COVER-UP surrounding the death of the world's favorite bad guy...crashed...killing everyone on board...destroying ANY possibility of ever knowing the TRUTH... for those that are interested in finding out what REALLY happened on that fateful day in September might find a few of these documentaries useful research resources...Dark Legacy...ties George H.W. Bush into the assassination of JFK...it also ties his family tree into the Nazi organization...911 In Plane Sight...Loose Change An American Coup...while interpretations will vary...the FACTUAL evidence CANNOT be disputed...ONLY the BLIND will walk away believing the BULLSHIT the mass media was instructed to ALLOW us to view!!!  I wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas...Happy Holidays...Krispy Kwanzaa or whatever floats your boat...we will see ya back here after the first of the year!!!  Merry Christmas!!!

PROPHECIES OF POLITICS!!!

In Virgina, Code 1930 has a statute that prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than a political candidate...

WOW...talk about being ahead of the game...one would think that the policy makers in the Commonwealth of Virginia were prophetic from birth...having the foresight to establish rules and regulations that would allow these types of people the possibility of spouting off lies with impunity...maybe we should be asking these people what's gonna happen when the Mayan Calendar Round quits ticking...or maybe it wasn't through prophetic practices that they came up with these laws...perhaps it was a preventive and protective measure of intellect that came to the conclusion laws of this nature were necessary...a blanket coverage program so to speak...something I found myself getting more familiar with this afternoon while I was sitting in the comfort of my own house and had a couple of holy rollers knock on my door...now normally I do NOT answer the door for religious denizens of this description...for several different reasons...first and foremost...as many of you are probably aware...I don't subscribe to organized religion...secondly...I find it extremely offensive that these people peddle religion like a door to door salesman...which is blasphemous in and of itself...religious tenets implore followers to SPREAD the word...NOT sell it...if I wanted to know your personal opinions I would attend the big old building where you pray and preach...when you approach my door you change the dynamics from a close forum format to an open door for discussion and debate...if you lack the intelligence to formulate an argument in favor of your opinion...your first fault was thinking you had the power to convince another person to change their mind...long story short...the lady in charge began her opening statement with..."We are out in the area today reaching out to people regarding the recent tragedy in Connecticut and to dispel the myth that this had anything to do with 'God's Will'"...SCREECH to a halt right there..."God's Will" is the same type of blanket principle put in place by Code 1930 in the state of Virginia...it is a utensil that is implemented as a blanket coverage program...it allows religious institutions to offer an EXPLANATION for things that do NOT make sense to them...political forums use the same techniques and tactics to EXCUSE themselves from possible punishment or association with a forbidden practice...they are easy to use by anyone that wants to take advantage of NOT using common sense and intellect to research and discover the true reasons behind an event...Earthquake off the coast of Japan creates massive tsunami and kills thousands of people...musta been God's Will right???  WRONG...maybe it has more to do with living on a planet that WE do NOT fully understand ourselves yet...perhaps it has more to do with living in an area such as an island...surrounded by water than it does with an Almighty entity that has decided to punish a select group of worshippers simply because it was bored that day...political candidates LIE...habitually...they are corrupt from the time of conception...you don't need blanket coverage protection plans to prevent them from being punished...you just need common sense to realize it is a fact of human nature to lie...cheat and steal...all of the characteristics and traits we were taught in our youth to be socially unacceptable...are the same things we apply in order to get an edge on those we are competing against...it is the nature of the beast to achieve greater success than those we associate with...the age old adage...'He who dies with the most toys wins'...is a direct reflection of this belief system...those that remain honest...loyal and law abiding...are the meek that will inherit the Earth...now STOP for a second and think about that...these people have the opportunity to inherit an entire planet...at a time when NOTHING else will exist...that's one helluva HELLO if ya ask me...this code being in place in Virginia should NOT be a shock to anyone...you cannot lie...cheat or steal unless you are a political candidate because your government HATES competition...governments...organized religions and businesses are all successful for ONE reason and ONE reason ONLY...people BUY into the belief systems associated with them...look around the world you live in for fact finding examples...new religions and cults pop up all the time...as do new governments...why???  Because those that were once content with the direction the belief system associated with the program was taking them...have for whatever reason...changed their outlook and want something they feel better suits their needs...look at it on a smaller scale if you need further understanding...every NFL team that has won a Super Bowl possess one thing the other team did not have when the game was played...a BELIEF in themselves...their teammates and the program implemented by the coaches...if even ONE of these players doubts their abilities the entire team suffers the consequences...this concept applies to every aspect of societal interaction...if the drive...determination and desire are NOT there in every member of the system...it will fracture...which had to happen at some point in the history of Virginia...several people became fed up with trying to determine what was the truth...they therefore elected to accept it as commonplace and move on...personally I think there is an easier way to identify when a politician is lying that wouldn't have cost money from taxpayer pockets...it's a simple process really...wanna know how to tell if a political candidate is lying???  Their mouth is open and words are falling out...NO LAWS NEEDED!!!  On a side note...since I mentioned the events in Connecticut earlier...while tragic and devastating in nature...it is NOT the proper format for displaying your pulpit on my front porch promoting a religious belief of any nature...statistically speaking...less than 1% of children who are murdered...die while being at school...and this problem...although statistically small in the grand scope of things...is easily solved without the interference of an organized religious belief...several of our veterans are returning home and being released from their commitment in the Armed Services...you place a heavily armed...former U.S. Marine on the front door step of every school in the nation...and schoolroom shootings will cease to exist or find their way into the daily media...old Billy Badass with a bad attitude is gonna think twice about harming innocent children to get their point across...I have a cousin that teaches at a school in southern Michigan...who is now paranoid every time he hears foot steps in the hall...I dare say that if the plan I offered as a suggestion were put in place...his class room environment would benefit immensely...and as an added benefit our children would develop and deeper respect and appreciation of the WARRIORS that are willing to sacrifice themselves in order to keep others safe...a feature that has been sorely lacking in this country since WWII!!!

NAUTICALLY MIND NUMBING!!!

The Navy spent $375,000.00 on an "aerodynamic analysis of the self-suspended flare."  The study's conclusion was that the Frisbee was not feasible as military hardware...

Yeah...well they should be given a little credit...it pales in comparison to what we as citizens pay individually...and as businesses for piss poor performance from our politicians...the study of which concludes that a idiots and their hard earned money are soon parted...I don't get it...everybody in this country is obsessed with obtaining the ALMIGHTY dollar...five seconds of research will show you what a futile effort this is...it's paper...cloth threads...and ink...WHOOP-D-SHIT...you can print off this page and it will be worth just as much as any single denomination of bill in your possession...the quality of paper and ink will be different...but financially speaking...they are backed by the same thing...NOTHING of value!!!  That being said...if this study was conducted while our country was still on the Gold standard...this was a lesson hard learned on the taxpayer's dime...an education if you will on how NOT to blow your budget unwisely...if it was conducted recently...like within the last 5+ decades...it represents some serious flaws...primarily in military intelligence....I shudder to think that the planets biggest pond probing and patrolling platform wasted 375,000 pieces of paper...legal tender or the toilet variety...on a study that consisted of attempting to use a Frisbee to design and develop a self-suspended flare...what was the logic behind that...conventional flare guns gettin a little too risky to have on those big old boats...did they propel flares too high for responding help to see...and the terminology of the "aerodynamic analysis of the self-suspended flare,"...should be enough to make anyone with common sense CRY...self-suspension requires one thing and one thing ONLY... ANTI-GRAVITY equipment...a better term woulda been..."self-propelled"...if they were referring to how a flare could be launched by seamen...and NOT the slow swimming sort that came up with this tidbit...self-suspension alludes to the fact that the object in question is capable of suspending itself without exterior influence...such as a propulsion system...or a soft landing system...such as a parachute...which as the Army proved...oh so long ago...was just as ineffective as the Frisbee when used as hardware for suspending an object that burned as bright and hot as the sun...sure they worked for a few seconds...until the parachute and strings caught flame...NOTHING crashes to Earth quite as quick as a failed invention in free fall...another glaring aspect of this information is the use of the word 'aerodynamic'...there is NOTHING aerodynamic about a FRISBEE...yes they will fly...but if that were all that were required of the aerodynamics industry...we would all find ourselves being launched to our vacation destinations by using a big ol' rubber band...the sort of which Wile E. Coyote used from the Acme Company to try and catch the Roadrunner..."Meep meep indeed!"...as the Geico Gecko is so fond of sayin'...unfortunately for the Navy...aerodynamics include orbital objects that can be ACCURATELY controlled...just because something can be propelled by a human does NOT mean it is aerodynamic...I can throw a rock just as far as a Frisbee...completely different shaped objects...neither of which can be controlled with absolute precision...I know what the dumbasses in school taught you...anything that can fly and has a certain shape is aerodynamic...BULLSHIT...but where oh where will the answers be oh wise one???  Why...in the animal kingdom my friends...where we discover that only one the fortunate few...found in the BIRD family are capable of flight...therefore...according to conventional schoolroom wisdom one could ASS-U-ME...that all other animals of a similar design would also be capable of flight...however...Ostriches and Penguins are just a handful of flightless fowl that have found a way to keep on 'flying' through evolution...it's a damn wonder the Navy had the money to spend on Frisbee flinging forays into failure...one would think that if you were in need of a flare you would want a FLOATING apparatus as opposed to a self-PROPELLED one...seeing as how you DUMBASS is probable lost at SEA...where SURVIVAL requires some form of identifying flare like formula at your PRESENT location...especially in stormy weather at night...firing a flare under these intensely severe weather situations may catch someone's attention and alert them that there is a possible need for assistance...but if seen from a distance...trying to find a person floating in swelling seas without a FLOATING flare solution near them...is gonna be like tryin' to find a mole in a mountain...the level of difficulty will quadruple if the hopeless soul is sittin' there flingin' Frisbees as part of his survival training program...I guess I'm also curious as to which Navy conducted the study...I would hate to think that the safety and security of our shores have been entrusted to the employees of a government military agency capable of such a lack of common sense...I could see where this might be absolutely hilarious and expected from a unit like the Polish Navy...I mean if you build glass bottom boats with working screen doors...I can see where a Frisbee flare flinging program might fit in...otherwise you lack the wherewithal to be an effective member of society...thankfully the militia of the world have a use for cannon fodder like you...and you have found your place without my guidance...I only wish there were more like you...it would make war easier to manage...we could weed out the weak and put the whole...Survival of the fittest theory to the test...leave the inventions and decisions to those that know how to make them...unfortunately...this problem doesn't affect just the Navy...fiscal reports throughout the history of every branch of the military are fraught with information that indicates faulty financial responsibility...all of which is shrugged off with an...Aw Shucks...shoulder shake...I mean seriously...if you can't find a wet fart in a dry ass crack...WTF are you doin' conducting scientific studies with our money!!!

LEFT HANDED LEARNING SKILLS!!!

Left-handed people are statistically more likely to be geniuses, and to be insane...

Well now...isn't that interesting...since insanity and brilliance walk hand in hand for the most part...and a blanket coverage statistic cannot really be argued...the poor bastard with a tendency to lean to the left will undoubtedly be considered either one of the smart kids in class...or one of the slow learners...in either case the statistic will be applicable...I mean really...it's the same as sayin'...left handed people are statistically more likely to be smart...or stupid...flip a coin...you're gonna fall into one category or the other...seriously...who can't make up statistics like this...I could do it all day...Fat kids are statistically more likely to eat junk food...and avoid a healthy diet...NO SHIT...YA DON'T SAY...Ugly people are statistically more likely to live alone...and not be attractive...WOW...I never woulda guessed...Lions fans are statistically more likely to remain loyal to their team...and NEVER see them win a playoff game or reach the Super Bowl...here's the thing...the ONLY thing that should really matter when subjects of this nature are the topic of discussion...STATISTICS are statistically more likely to be wrong...and made up...NOBODY conducts analytical research to dream up these stats...with the advance of the internet...it is NO longer necessary...people make shit up and post it on a daily basis...the majority of idiots on the internet are statistically similar to the blonde bimbo in the State Farm commercials...they believe everything they read on the internet as being factual...they very seldom think outside the screen when they are sitting in front of a computer...they buy into the bullshit full force and plod along with their happy little lives...it happens everywhere we look...here's a perfect example of a statistic that was misrepresented recently...Sunday...the Detroit Lions lost for the 10th time this season...NO big surprise there...well NO big surprise there for anyone that follows football realistically...after the game the ESPN commentators all jumped on the MEGATRON bandwagon...explaining how he is on the verge of breaking the single season record for receiving yards currently held by Jerry Rice...I find that very interesting...and HALF right...if MEGATRON manages 182 yards over the next two games he will INDEED pass a record held by Jerry Rice...there is a HUGE difference however...Jerry Rice's statistical record CANNOT be broken by MEGATRON regardless of how many yards he gets in the next two games...he CAN set a completely new record if he gets the yards he needs...why are they different folks???  Come on...I'm sure there are a few of you faithful to the Honolulu Blue Boys...what is the BIGGEST difference???  Anyone???  That's what I figured...even the faithful CANNOT see the light...MEGATRONS record is far more distinctive in nature...he will accomplish his feat on a team with 10 or more losses...a situation Jerry NEVER faced in all his years of playing...How many of you were aware that over 50% of all statistics are made up???  Here's one for ya...people that run around with there head shoved up their asses are statistically more likely to think their shit don't stink...people who on the other hand...have more common sense than a carton of broken eggs...are statistically more likely to call bullshit on the things they find fault with...I...for instance...am statistically more likely to call someone that is a DUMBASS...a DUMBASS than I am to give them a pat on the back for being mentally equivalent to a mushroom...why???  Because rewarding someone for being f**ktarded instills the belief in them that they should procreate...a drastically different direction than I would prefer them to travel in!!!

LIGHTS OUT LONGITUDINALLY!!!

If you align your bed with the North Pole, the Earth's magnetic field will pass longitudinally through your body and ensure a good night's sleep...

Hmmm...while I may NOT agree with the language and details of this tidbit...it does shed light on a subject which should be of interest to sheltered children under the age of 3...if it is true...it debunks the rumor surrounding Old Saint Nick...because as a resident of the North Pole one would be safe in assuming that the Earth's magnetic field is a constant part of every day society...if it induces a good night's sleep...and the North Pole is normally covered in darkness for longer periods than areas at other latitudes...especially during the colder winter months...I dare say that fat bastard NEVER gets outta bed...therefore he sure as hell can't fly around the planet in a single night...that aspect aside...this idiot misrepresented another very important fact...the Earth's magnetic field does not pass THROUGH a human body...it might pass over a human's body...if it passed through us we would all wake up with metal objects attached to our heads...DUMBASS...get the wording right...kinda hard to get a good night's rest when you have alarm clocks...watches and jewelry flying off of shelves and smackin' ya in the face...ya know what does ensure a good night's sleep...EXHAUSTION... ALCOHOL...MEDICAL MARIJUANA...separate or combined...doesn't matter...and there is an added advantage to these sleeping solutions...NO metallic objects are involved...and here is another little lost factual information regarding the Earth's magnetic field...it does surround the planet in a longitudinal manner...however it has strengths and weaknesses...certain parts of it provide the planet with better protection whereas other areas lack the same capabilities...and since the Earth rotates along a latitudinal course through space...and the magnetic field does not rotate along with it...over the course of an eight hour event such as sleep...the sleeper will undergo various pulls from the magnetic field that is passing OVER the human body...good sound sleep under these conditions would therefore be unobtainable...much like a worthwhile education has escaped the grasp of this mutton headed meat sack...my Momma gets a good night's sleep wherever she goes...ya know what her tricks of the trade are...conventional methods of personal containment...she puts in ear plugs and dons a night mask to keep the light out...NEITHER of them made from metal...or having anything to do with the Earth's magnetic field...ya know what else a good night's sleep requires...the absence of insomnia...sleep apnea...stress...anxiety...caffeine...or other issues that promote ALERTNESS rather than SLUMBER...if all that was required for a good night's sleep was the proper alignment of the bed with the North Pole...don'tcha think all of our house would be built accordingly...making it impossible to NOT get a good night's sleep...NO???  you don't buy that theory...of course NOT...it doesn't make sense...entire religious cults use this theory to build their temples and residences...to face what???  The promised land provided for them in the text of the tenets that they believe in...throughout the history of mankind objects on this planet have been built to point in a specific direction...whether it be another land based object or a particular part of the vast reaches of space...one would think that the same would apply to this area as well...but for some unknown reason...the majority of us live in residences that provide us with a view in multiple directions...we rearrange the furniture in these domiciles to suit our needs for aestheticism...we tend to ignore the incessant ramblings of the North Pole Neanderthals that inform us of our shortcomings in the sleeping situation...those of you that are having difficulty getting a good night's sleep should invest in a sleep aid...Tylenol PM...Nyquil...Captain Morgan...Crown Royal...Molokai Magic...Hindu Kush...whatever it takes to turn the lights off...and do yourself a favor...shit can the alarm clock in your bedroom...your body will awake when it is good and ready...STOP worrying about getting to work on time...that just results in stress and serves as a detriment to the plan...get your co-workers to follow suit and your employer will NOT fire you...you'll ONLY lose your job if you look LAZY and unconcerned...if everyone else is doing it...you will go unnoticed...take advantage of your cranial capacitor and figure this shit out...ya don't need a degree to think for yourself...it is one of the ONLY true freedoms we have in life...the ability to think for ourselves without the interference of others...use it wisely!!!

TURKEYLESS TURKEY!!!

There are no turkeys in Turkey...

Oh the absolute genius this humangatan embodies...that's right...ya heard the term here first...humangatans and humanzees...individuals that have the outwardly appearance and aesthetic appeal of an actual human...with the common sense and thinking capacity of a member of the ape family...these are the seriously stupid among us...they have the cranial capacity to contain a crushed peanut shell...it really does NOT matter that there are NO turkeys in Turkey...ya know why???  because they do NOT celebrate Thanksgiving in the desert...primarily because there is NOTHING to be thankful for when choosing to reside in the dirt capital of the planet...guess what there you little liege of lexicon...there aren't any lambs grazing on Lambeau Field...just as there aren't any Roman Rulers in a Caesar Salad...ya ignorant anal vapor connoisseur...STOP sticking your head down there...itsa tail wind you could do without...you're well on your way to f**ktardom...where you will undoubtedly be given a seat at the highest table of terrible tidbit providers...holy crap...tell me something I can't figure out by sticking a wet finger in a light socket and flippin a switch...I mean seriously...to whom is this information important...the Turkish sure don't give a shit...they're busy roundin' up camels and Kurds...it sure as hell doesn't matter to most of us...because we have NO desire to go diggin around in a patch of dirt lookin for a flightless bird to feast on...ya know what they do have in Turkey...an absence of taste...in food...women...wine and song...the majority of these people are only pretty on the inside...which is why we don't let them hold significant jobs when they flock to the United States...we reserve the roll of ill equipped cab driver for these denizens of the dirt...why...because most Americans detest riding in a cab to begin with...if we allow beautiful people to operate them there wouldn't be any available for those that really NEED them...by keeping these ugly Uralians behind the wheels of these mass transit vehicles we ensure the continued completion of necessary transportation efforts in major metropolitan cities...I swear sometimes...the things these mental equivalents of a wet fart come up with...the complexities encompassed by these constituents that carry their colostomy bags in their cranial capacitors confounds me to this day...you would think a nice game of DUCK...DUCK...GOOSE would keep them occupied and outta harm's way...yet as we can see...the absence of Ducks or Geese...as it applies to this humanzee and his peer group...would be a very confusing and stressful ordeal...I can see these people standing in front of a liquor display...staring at a bottle of Cold Duck or Grey Goose...wondering where in the hell the animal was...and why the liquor is name after an object it has NEVER contained...these people order a hamburger and refuse to eat it because it doesn't have any HAM in it...damn idiots anyway...they are better left walking around wondering why there are NO MOONS in a MOON PIE...it keeps them from discovering they can procreate and repopulate the planet with people DUMBER than they are...which in a by proxy sort of way...walks hand in hand with my theory of removing them from the face of the Earth...or at least shoving them all in the same barrel and pushing it into the deepest sections of the surrounding seas of stupidity...I'll tell ya what folks...if you see a humangatan in the immediate vicinity...keep an eye out for any humanzees they may have as offspring...this is a signal that they are beginning to get brighter than the 10 watt light bulb they've been standing under...and while there may NOT be a season for shooting stupid people as a sport...take it upon yourself to castrate them on sight...help protect the rest of us from possible primate copulation encounters...if you embody the humangatan experience...ask NOT what your humanzee can do for you...ask what you can do to hide your humanzee...cuz if you let them out in public...they will make comments that allow the rest of us to identify and humiliate them...it's one of the things I do best!!!

SLUMBERING SITUATIONS!!!

The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes...

...hmmm...I wonder how this amount of time was determined...there are several things that cause a person to fall asleep...exhaustion being the first and foremost...when a person's body gets tired it begins to shut down slowly...over the course of time..usually a day...in which most AVERAGE people spend 16 hours awake...therefore under these circumstances one could argue...and quite convincingly...that it takes the AVERAGE person 16 hours to wear themselves out and require rest or sleep...significantly longer than the 7 minutes indicated...on the other hand the things we do during the day have a direct impact on how and when we sleep...alcoholics for instance...subject their bodies to intense absorption of foreign objects in the form of liquid...this has a direct on vision...equilibrium as well as sleeping habits...some drink until they pass out...a process that can take several hours...or a matter of minutes depending on other factors...people like me...who partake of medical marijuana...usually find that our sleep habits are modified according to how much medicine we take...some of us use the same process as an alcoholic...by smoking until our eyes shut...personally I don't see how a 7 minute sleep system is even determined...how can you accurately measure the amount of time it takes for a person to fall asleep...whaddaya sit next to the bed with a stop watch and shake the subject every thirty seconds to see if they are still awake???  Kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it...and I'm pretty damn sure there isn't some silent alarm signal...sent from the subjects subconscious when they have fallen off the edge of alertness into the vast empty reaches of slumber...I'll bet I can get the average person to fall asleep in less than 7 minutes...a small sharp knock on the back of the head usually does the trick...or a WWE style choke hold...and just how many of you out there fall under the category of AVERAGE as it applies to the sleep situation???  That's what I thought..there are very few of us that actually lay down...shut the lights off...and fall directly into dreamland...if we did there wouldn't be as much night time criminal activity...nor would there be a need for entertainment beyond a certain hour of the evening...there also wouldn't be a niche on the shelves of pharmaceutical supply stores for SLEEP AIDS...nor would there be a sleep center of every corner in each and every metropolitan area on the planet...I'd almost be willing to bet that the AVERAGE person that falls asleep in seven minutes also doubles as a diphit tidbit creator...I personally have fallen asleep in much less time...put me in a classroom with some mental midget monotonously mentioning something useless from a text book...I'll bet I'm asleep before the first page of the book is turned...put me on an airplane just before the doors close and before they can back away from the terminal...my eyes are SHUT...and NOT because I fear flying...but rather as a direct result of inactivity at the controls...same thing applies to vehicles...put me in a seat other than the drivers and I'm done before the motor gets warm...wake me when we get there...I either have to be the one operating the machinery...or you've lost my services until the next stop...it's as simple as that...and it NEVER takes me seven minutes...just ask Momma...the last plane trip we took together was from Metro Detroit to Amsterdam...prior to boarding the plane I was asked if I was going to remain awake long enough to keep her company...to which I replied..."Of course"...needless to say I do NOT recall taxiing away from the terminal or traveling down the runway...what I do recall with vivid memory is being woken up and asked if I was gonna get off the plane...once we were in Amsterdam and ALL of the other passengers had departed...NOTHIN left but Momma...me and the crew...same thing happened on the way to NC for Thanksgiving...I NEVER left the back seat for more than 7 minutes to take a piss break...the rest of the time was spent in silent...non-snoring slumber...it works so well for me that when my kids were younger I used this same method to put them to sleep when they were cranky...quick trip around the block in a car ride...and lights out...it's a thing of beauty...it seems to be the only time I do NOT suffer from some form of insomnia...to be honest it works better than any medical marijuana I've ever tried...the only problem with it is that I cannot afford to fly every night just to fall asleep...and by the time I am usually ready to go to bed...my kids are already asleep...and since falling asleep at the wheel is frowned upon...I must seek other GREENER medical methods of procuring the rest I need...so there ya have it...the 7 minute sleep cycle exposed...the ONLY thing average about it is the mind from which it sprang!!!

ANCIENT ANT TECHNOLOGY!!!

Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder...

Seriously...who on Earth had the spare time and absence of common sense to come up with this misinformation...I want names people...do NOT tell me they can't be found...somewhere on this planet is a biologist with a baby powder fetish...FIND THEM...they're the ONLY idiots stomping around forest floors with a bottle of baby butt butter...how was this discovered???  That's what I wanna know...did some magnificent moron wander into the jungle with an assload of household products to see which ones had an adverse effect on the pedestrian path an ant might take...or did someone sprinkle baby powder all over the bathroom floor and invite ants in to watch them bathe...I swear...the stupidity of science is slowly taking over and replacing any beneficial information it provides...who really cares what ants prefer to walk through and what they would rather avoid???  I don't...all I care about is whether or NOT they are satisfied with their current place in the world...OUTSIDE...if they are inside...then they pose a problem...and while the information in this tidbit might come in useful in this situation...how assinine are you gonna look laying out little white lines all around the house???  You'll more than likely be investigated for runnin a crack house or meth lab...regardless of what your original intentions are...not too mention that the amount of baby powder you will need to purchase will cost significantly more than a handful of effective baby powderless products commonly referred to as ant traps...what kinda OCD situation do you hafta embody to employ the baby powder protection plan???  Damn dipshidiots anyway...ants are industrious members of the animal kingdom...they are also capable of discovering new paths to the places they want to penetrate...kinda like humans in that respect...I prefer NOT to walk through knee deep dogshit with NO shoes on my feet...which is why when I am faced with a place full of canine land mine concoctions I choose a different path to get from point A to point B...same thing an ant would do when faced with a mountain of mudd butt material...lining the exterior of your house with baby bottom butter will do one thing...and one thing ONLY...delay the process of purchasing ANT TRAPS...because what surrounds the house class???  DIRT...that's right...don't be embarrassed by getting the answer right...that's what we are here for...and what does DIRT provide???  A potential place for ANTS to reside...and how do ants make use of this medium known as DIRT??? They dig elaborate tunneling systems that serve as their homes...which in laymen's terms means they are quite capable of crawling UNDER the baby powder protective procedure you employed...what else occurs in the wonderful world outside the walls of our homes???  Unwelcome weather patterns...such as rain...and what happens to baby powder when it gets wet???  That's right...it undergoes a chemical transformation that makes it more like paste than powder...or it washes away completely...which does what class??? That's right...it causes the OCD ant fanatic to reline the property with baby powder...an ongoing and continuous vicious cycle for securing the domicile from the introduction of ants...what happens when you deploy ANT TRAPS around the interior of the house???  That's right...they stay dry...in place...and perfectly effective in their performance to remove the unwanted from the interior of our living establishments...holy crap...when are people gonna start to wake up and smell the roses???  There are things that need to be researched and discovered...there are also things that do NOT warrant the expenditure of finances to figure out...such as ignorant ideas on the protective properties of baby powder as it applies to unassing ants from the house...good lord...I give Sasquatch hunters more credit than these craphole connoisseurs...at least they THINK they're doing something worthwhile...and at least it is at their own expense...NOT from the pockets of the tax payers!!!

THE MECHANICS OF MAN!!!

Men can read smaller print then women; women can hear better...

Imma hafta call bullshit on that one...and expose some well hidden secrets kept by the conscious of men in general...while it may be true that some people of the male persuasion can read smaller print...this advantage has NO place in modern society...each and every device we use in this modern technology cess pool in which we live has the ability to MAGNIFY print of any font size to make it easier to read by those without the ability to see things that small...it is NOT a gender based hereditary condition that promotes and supports either of these theories...women can read small print just as well as a man can...they choose NOT to because things that tiny are generally considered unsatisfying and unfulfilling...thereby dispelling the myth that SIZE doesn't matter...on the flip side of that coin is MAN'S ability to hear...WE hear just fine...WE choose NOT to listen to the incessant... NEVERENDING ramblings offered by the fairer sex...NOT because we are uninterested in what you hafta say...WE just prefer the condensed version...give us the Cliff Notes for the conversation and we will be fine...NONE of us need a family history about the person that pissed you off at work today...all we need to know is that you are upset about an event WE didn't cause...unless your ire is directed at us...we couldn't care less...you can come home and mention that you and Mary had a minor disagreement or a full blown argument...and that you are in a bad mood because of it...our reply will be...SORRY...SHIT HAPPENS...you can also come home and go into a long monotonous diatribe about the particulars of the heated debate...describe in vivid detail what Mary was wearing...embellish the conversation to relate your side of the story...paint mental pictures of the events...complete with who pulled who's hair first...who spit in the other one's eye...how management got involved and issued reprimands to both of you...how much you hate working with such an absolute imbecile...branch off on all the other daily duties you need to tackle before you can relax and unwind...holler...scream and spit until your heart's content...and our reply will be...SORRY...SHIT HAPPENS...ya think I'm kiddin'...I'm NOT...pay attention the next time you are in public...especially where men and women that are familiar with one another are present...here is what you will notice...Bill and Bob will greet each other with a firm handshake...maybe a slap on the back of the bro hug variety...Bill will open with...'Hey Bob...how's it hangin'?'...Bob Will reply...'A little low and off to the left'...Bill will then laugh and possibly spray beer from his nose...they will then both stand in close proximity and OBSERVE their surroundings...without so much as another word being said...Bob and Bill have been best friends since they crawled from the crib...in the same situation take a look at Martha and Mary...they will greet each other simultaneously...each trying to out speak the other...they will chatter back and forth in great detail about how Bob and Bill are doing on the job...they will recite all of the things their children have done or said since the last time they got together...they will discuss make-up...hair care and feminine hygiene products...they will share recipes...talk about the future and getting the families together...blah blah blah...Bob and Bill will enjoy their time and appreciate the fact that they are still friends after so many years...Martha and Mary are comparing notes to see who is living a better lifestyle...once the couples separate...Bob and Bill will drive their respective wives home...the entire time tuning out all the crap they discussed with the other...they do this silently...with nods conducted at the appropriate times in the conversation...offering little more that a "Yep"...or a "Nope"...depending on the circumstances...this is the FOUNDATION on which all opposite gender relationships are built on...ask any old timer how they stayed married to the same woman for so many years...and you will get the reply..."I NEVER heard a word she said"...ask the same question of old blue haired Betty and the reply you get will be..."Oh he is such a gentleman...he always takes time out of his day to listen to what I hafta say...he shares of himself freely...anything I want he provides me with...I couldn't have asked for a better partner to walk through life with...we met back in the summer of 1915...I remember it like it was yesterday...he was wearing a....blah blah blah"...five and a half hours later you find yourself wondering why on Earth you didn't take heed to the advice her husband gave you...NEVER hear a thing she says...it is the one formula for wedded bliss and longevity...hell I'd be willing to bet that over 50% of men that have been married to the same woman for more than two decades...will answer the question about how they stayed married to the same person for so long with the phrase..."Because I didn't die sooner"...NOT that they wanted to pass prematurely...it is a testament to their survival skills...that phrase can be easily translated to mean..."That bitch couldn't kill me NO matter how hard she tried!"  There ya have it folks...the secret to success exposed...ya wanna make you hubby happy...shorten the speeches and stay out of the way on Sunday during football season...I would suggest writing down what you hafta say in a note...but most of us do NOT have the desire to read through a million page manual to figure out what is stuck in your craw...regardless of how small the print is!!!

WHERE FOR ART THOU SHAKESPEARE!!!

A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral...

So what you're telling me here is that Mel Gibson played the role of a tiny village sans a religious center for worship???  See...this just proves several of the things I've been known to bitch about...the shit they teach ya in school is suspect to say the least...I grew up thinking...Hamlet was a long drawn out misinterpreted writing from the first medical marijuana user in human history...because let's be honest...NOBODY has ever read a Shakespeare work and NOT left scratching their head...wondering WTF they just read...reading Shakespeare requires a language deciphering skill set that anybody boring through BUSHISMS would have found promising and useful...I would like to know where this word originated from...seems to me that a 'hamlet' would be the offspring of a boar...sorta like a piglet is the offspring of the domesticated pig...or maybe a smaller version of the ham...like veal cutlets are smaller portions of the same product...and what makes the appearance of a church change the outcome of the name by which a region is called...are states NOT responsible for issuing the charter incorporating a city???  Did we all NOT learn about the separation of church from state while we were in school???  I live in the city of East Jordan...where we have NEVER had a cathedral of any kind...we currently have more churches than bars...and more houses for sale than people crazy enough to consider buying them...but we are not classified as a hamlet...town..or village...how this place still survives is beyond me...ya know what does change the name by which a region is referred to...the size of the population...but it only works one way...a place where people begin to gather together is first called a hamlet...then a village...then a town...a city...a suburban sprawl and finally a mega metropolis...but this only happens as the size of the population increases...when the population of an area decreases the name by which the region is referred to as...remains the same...until such a time as all verbiage is exhausted and the final term for a place that once held a significant amount of population becomes a ...ghost town...which is what my little 'burg' of being happens to be going through at this moment...it seems ridiculous to think that in this day and age...a place that was once home to thousands...is now harboring hundreds...NO folks...ya know what a hamlet is...a word that didn't fit...and therefore is seldom used in the current era...I know some of you are scratching your head as if ya just read a passage from Macbeth...a word that doesn't fit...what on Earth could he be talking about now...well think about it folks...NOBODY walks around saying it takes a HAMLET to raise a child...or hey...somewhere a HAMLET is missing their idiot...cuz it just doesn't fit...I mean seriously...some of you...most of you...okay all of you...should be old enough to remember the the late 1970's...do you honestly think the disco hits...YMCA...and In The Navy...would have been huge hits if...The HAMLET people were the ones performing the tunes on stage...HELL NO...probably wouldn't have sold a single ticket to an event...even as an opening act for Freddie Mercury & Queen at a stadium in San Francisco...during a Fairies with Flowers Festival...a hamlet should come in a small can...like SPAM...and make weird slurpsucking sounds when the purchaser tries to unass it from the tin...or it should refer to a platter full of pork and eggs...much in the style of an omelet...with PIG being the only ingredient wrapped in the eggs...it shouldn't be used as a name...I don't care how bigga playwright you were back in the heyday of dressing up in frilly fabric more suitable for the fairer sexes...look what it did to poor Mr. Gibson...he became so confused about his identity he made antisemitic slurs...something that anyone suffering an identity crisis associated with being devoid of a deity worth worshiping should be expected to endure...I mean seriously...in the modern era...where STUPIDITY seems to rule the day...I hafta believe that even though I have NEVER spent a single day in a courtroom in the position of a litigator...I could mount an arguable defense using that theory as my basis for establishing innocence on behalf of BRAVEHEART!!!

HOOSIER DADDY!!!

In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven from the steering wheel...

Well know...isn't that convenient...since COMMON SENSE in every state...requires you NOT needing to be informed of that information...I swear...Imma invent the STUPID SLAPPER and make millions of people slobbersmile...if you need a law to TELL you HOW a car should be driven...your ancestors musta came over on the SLOW rowing boat...no but seriously folks there is a very good reason for this LAW...believe it or NOT...I can tell ya first hand that if Illinois wasn't a state where winter weather could dampen my spirits...I would move there tomorrow...all men would...just to escape the arduous adventure of driving a vehicle with a side seat bitcher...back seat naggravator type person on board...think of how many wives would hafta ride in silence for fear their husbands could send them to jail for trying to drive the vehicle vicariously through their husbands right ear...my oh my...an idea I can sink my teeth into...cuz lemme tell ya somethin...NOTHIN' chaps my ass more than someone whispering in my ear at a decibel normally used at heavy metal concerts...telling me which route to take or getting pissed off because they THINK they know a better way of getting from point A to point B...it runs in my family...m brother Shaun is the same way...hell ya don't even hafta be in the same car...all ya gotta do with that guy is have him follow you while you are following a GPS route he doesn't agree with...it's kinda funny actually...women always harp on men to STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS...YOU'RE LOST DUMBASS PULL OVER AND FIND OUT HOW TO GET OUTTA HERE...ya know why most REAL MEN avoid accepting this advice???  Because if they are anything like me they KNOW better than to STOP and ask a complete stranger for directions around the local area...and there is a very good reason for this...remember I said if they are anything like me...I live in a very small town where two major two lane blacktop thoroughfares come together M-32 and M-66...it takes all of 15 minutes to WALK at a slow pace to get to the other side of town...two minutes if you are driving...I cannot count the times I have been walking down the hill to one of the two gas stations we have in town...only to find some wife whipped wheel man wondering how to get from this side of town to M-66...less than a mile away...trust me...you could find it by accident alot quicker than by STOPPING and asking me for directions...because I know the area so well I am NOT a nice cartographer for the curious...I send then back out M-32 for 15 miles informing the ignorant to then take a right on US-131...follow that to the small town of Mancelona...Mance - tucky to the locals...which is about another 15 miles down that road...I then tell them to look for M-66 where they will hang a right...they follow this until they come to an intersection with a BP gas station on the right...approximately 18 miles from the turn in Mancelona...I do this for one specific reason...ancient and modern technology...maps have been around for YEARS...they are very cost effective solutions for those STUPID enough to get lost...the gas station you STOPPED into to ask for directions...has an ASSLOAD of them for sale...they are pennies on the dollar compared to the 48 mile road trip I just sent you on...smart phones and GPS DEVICES although more modern...serve the same purpose...I've actually had people stop and ask me for directions in towns I do NOT live in...and am I shy about providing them...HELL NO...I figure F**K it...what are the chances I am EVER gonna see that person again...especially on the long route of directional deception I plan on sending them on...besides most of my days are boring...I enjoy the opportunity to interact with idiots...it's one of my favorite past times...the mindf**king of the minions...that is the REAL reason MEN do NOT STOP to ask for directions...we know we are more than likely gonna get sent on a wild goose chase...and while the cacophony coming from the seat beside us would die down considerably if we would just unbuckle our belts and let her wear the pants for a minute...the advanced BUSH-isms the bombshell beauty will come up with in the future when they discover that we are NOT getting any closer to where we want to be...are enough to make avoiding the issue of STOPPING a little easier to digest...for the most part I have evolved in the driving without directions department...especially when a naggravator is present...I've trained myself to treat these situations as if I were on an automated phone answering service...I just neglect to push #1 for Engrish...and pretend they are speaking a foreign language...if I really wanna have some fun with it I put a little red dot on their foreheads and offer them a position at the Calcutta Call Center of Amurca...as old Dumbya was so fond of murdering the name of our country...and I hafta thank my brother for tuning me into my new favorite show...as most of you know by now I have a passion for purveying pitiful programs on the peep box...Duck Dynasty is full of relatives of the BUSH clan...if there were a bigger buncha backwards ass sister sleepers on the planet IDK where you would find them...these people are so REDneck...native tribal Indians are offended by the color correlation...this is by far the FUNNIEST reality show on the circuit right now...these guys make mental patients appear to be mind melding magi...you have gotta watch this show at least once and listen to one of Uncle Si's stories...this is a man who when tasked with attending the school for "career" day...found himself in front of a library room full of 7-8 year old kids...the first words outta Si's mouth were..."Any of you young 'uns ever heard the term 'nam?"  he then proceeded to regale these poor tortured souls with stories of killing Charlie and hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of Vietnam...apparently missing the meaning of the term "career" as it was intended to be applied in this situation...he is what they call a redneckeleptic... that man will find some of the most uncomfortable places in the shop to plop down and take a nap...he sleeps on the clock with impunity...but I guess that is a luxury you can afford when you have made millions of dollars making duck calls...anyway folks...I'm outta here for now...enjoy your weekend!!!

ELEGANT EEL ENTREES!!!

Eating eel hearts will help you predict the future...

Of this I have NO doubt...the first prediction will be that eating shit you shouldn't NOT only tastes like shit...it does NOTHING to solve your foresight seeing adventures...DUMBASS...you know how I know this isn't a fact based morsel of information???  The Mega Millions lottery...pay attention people...if anyone eating eel hearts was capable of predicting the future lotteries would offer pennies instead of pounds of paper money for purchasing a little slip of paper...another glaring item of interest is the fact that NOBODY seems to understand what the Mayan countdown calendar really is...which would be an easy problem to solve if an eel heart slurpee was sucked down by a smartass with a degree in stupidity...ya know what eating eel hearts will do for ya???  It'll make ya wonder WTF you were thinking...considering the size of an eel and in conjunction with the miniature scale of its heart...one would be safe in assuming that if the possibility of predicting the future is in any way associated with the object of ingestion...eel heart eating idiots would need to slaughter the entire existing population of these sea faring creatures in order to peek at a point in the future fabulously close to the present time...this amount of eel heart entree would undoubtedly cause any curious onlooker to predict an episode of projectile vomiting NOT seen since the glory days of the Exorcist to be forthcoming in relatively short order...it may even cause some to make the prediction that the plate full of blood pumping internal eel organs will end up unfinished...because seriously...who wants to sit down to an enormous amount of eel innards...outside of sharks and other predators permeating the liquid regions of the salty seas...this delicacy does not hold water for the land based creatures crawling along the Earth's crust...there are various reasons people should avoid eating eel hearts...for one...they're f**kin' eel hearts you assbag...if they were meant for human consumption the little slimy sonsabitches would be easier to catch...I feel fairly comfortable at making a prediction about this topic myself...and outside the three cups of coffee I had this morning320.I have yet to consume anything with the potential to allow me a peek at the future...I predict that anyone blindly believing in this assinine assumption enough to order a plate of steaming eel blood pumpers will end up with NOTHING more than a bad taste in their mouths...and HOPEFULLY the insight to avoid such ignorant information in the future...I know the first part of the prediction to be ABSOLUTELY true and the second part is just something I would wish for for Christmas if there were an actual Santa Claus...IDK what on Earth causes people to look upon an internal organ of a slain animal and decide they want to feel the texture of it on their tongue...the animal kingdom is divided into three basic eating categories...the HERBIVORES...who feast on vegetation...such as leaf eaters and VEGETARIANS...(which by the way is an old Indian term used to describe an unsuccessful hunter)... the CARNIVORES...which feast on meat products...and the OMNI-IGNORANT who feast on anything simply because somebody suggested a myth regarding the consumption of caca like compilations...I've NEVER really needed anything to predict the future...it comes naturally...like so many other things in life...for instance...lemme enlighten you as to what tomorrow will bring...at least for me and a handful of my readers...I will rise from my medical marijuana induced coma...it seems that is the only way I can get to sleep...chronic insomnia without underlying conditions...other than every day stress...once I climb from the ashes of slumber I shall make a fresh pot of coffee...probably of the Jamaican Coconut variety my mother brought me on one of her trips north...I will then find a familiar place to park my cracked ass package...boot up m computer and dream up articles about objects I have NO interest in...I will at some point make several trips to the bathroom...as coffee tends to flow through me like high pressure water from a fire hydrant...I'll turn on the TV in the back ground for residual ambient noise pollution...because let's be honest...there isn't shit worth actually watching until after 7pm...I'll get the article writing work done that I have a deadline for...I'll then make dinner for the kids...possibly try and get ahead of schedule for tomorrow...or participate in the animated slaughter of several like minded citizens who enjoy annihilating the enemy in games such as Call Of Duty Black Ops 2...where I must confess I have moments of splendid shooting situations...picking off people like they were fish in a barrel...I'll then pack a nice punch into the cannabis chamber of my favorite late night snack inhibitor and puff away until I pass out...and here's the catch...I won't even think of ingesting the insides of something that looks like a piece of swimming shit...ya know what will help you predict the future???  Being in control of the outcome of your life...that or being present when the future arrives...look at the great prophecies offered from people in the past...NOSTRADAMUS is the best known fabler of future events...he is recognized as such for one simple reason...misinterpretation of information contained in quatrains he was given credit for authoring...it should be easy to recognize by American citizens since this same method is still being used by our government today to mismanage the documents from which our 'freedoms' derive...the fact of the matter is...NOSTRADAMUS could have been talking about anything under the sun...the idiots that heap praise on this prophet from the past have NO idea WTF he was talking about...they assume that events witnessed in our history...long after he was dead...are attributable to his wisdom and foresight...why is it then that they cannot decipher the other quatrains that have not happened as of yet...did they NOT come true...or were they just too ignorant to imagine an event they could correlate to a quatrain...I predict that since today falls within the calendar week schedule that it will eventually be followed by a WEEKEND...I predict that the problems you avoid today will still be waiting for you tomorrow...I predict that anyone eating eel hearts is dumber than dogshit...regardless of what results they were hoping to achieve...I predict that some of you will read this and shake your head in disbelief at the way I make a mockery of everything idiots think is imaginative...while others of you will wipe that slimy shit off your chin so NOBODY sees you sucking down eel heart souffle...it's really that simple to predict the future...for instance...I predict that the next 4 years will be NO different from the last 4 years...you cannot get vastly different results if you continue to elect that same asshats to positions in politics...I predict that the next marionette made president will succumb to the same suffering and stress as his predecessors that have held this position...and that he or she will be just as ineffective at correcting the corruption the followers are incapable of making a stand against...predictions are like pennies...you can find them all over the place...they are just lying around waiting to be picked up and pocketed...it does NOT mean they will make you rich...or wise beyond your ears...I swear sometimes I wish it were that easy to manipulate the minds of the minions into believing in idiotic assumptions...hell I have a few ideas myself...I hear sucking c**k makes you smarter...FREE testing for air headed individuals of the female persuasion...I've actually been told using mine for your oral exercises will provide you with a wealth of information that would make the three wise men weep!!! 

COW TIPPING CATASTROPHES!!!

You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark...

Hmmm...kinda makes ya wonder if all those Cow tipping contests we participated in back in the days before technology became popular are now beginning to catch up with us...doesn't it???  Yeah me neither really...ya know why humans are more likely to be attacked by a cow than they are by a shark???  It's simple really...sharks are NOT land based animals...and we as humans are NOT water based mammals...this news should NOT come as a surprise to most of you...it is apparent in every day society...you are more likely to fall off the side of a mountain than you are to get hit by a comet passing too close to the planet...why...because mountains are readily available for human interactivity whereas comets are NOT...damn idiots anyway...you have a greater potential for losing weight if you live in the desert...why???  Because FOOD doesn't grow as well in those areas...ya buncha dirt dwellin' dipshidiots...ya know why cows gobble grass instead of sucking down a seaweed slurpee???  because they do not fancy floating in water...holy crap...it's no damn wonder there is so much confusion in the class rooms of this country...we are paying significant amounts of tax dollars to have our children act as students of a system that fails to properly educate them...this is common sense stuff here folks...do you know why shark attacks are more profoundly reported on then encounters with disgruntled cows???  Because there are far more serious consequences that come with shark attacks than with grumpy old gargantuans of the grasslands...people seldom lose a limb from being clobbered by a cow...while on the other hand serious and life threatening situations can easily occur when confronting something like a shark...it is also a helluvalot easier to handle a cow gone crazy...a .22 shell to the frontal lobe usually does the trick...hunting down a shark suspected of slaughtering several sandy beach bathing beauties is not something that can be done except from the confines of Hollywood...I dare say we as a species are far more destructive in nature than any of our counterparts living in the rest of the animal kingdom...and without much remorse I might add...I would not be surprised one single bit if cows were the most confused critter on the crust of this planet...the poor bastards are raised for one reason and one reason only...they are tasty with the other things we put on the plate at dinner time...it also would not surprise me if they were finally beginning to make a stand for themselves by retaliating against their current collective killers...or those that appear human in nature...cow accidents are uncommon for the most part...they are a docile animal and for the most part are considered vegetarians...incapable of initiating a bloodlust for human consumption...most accidental cow encounters of a calamitous nature include being kicked...rather than being chewed on...primarily because human flesh...musculature and bone structure are not as soft...tender and tasty as the grass that grows fresh on a daily basis...I hate when halfwits in humanity get shit half assed...it sends a signal that even with the vast advancements associated with technology and information we as a species still suffer from the effects of unbridled incest...STOP sleeping with your sister and START paying attention to the details NOT provided in your incomplete class room exercises in stupidity...for the love of all mankind and the survival of the species...self-castrate yourself as part of the solution for preventing future forums of f**ktardom from occurring!!!

KAMIKAZE KOMMITMENT!!!

I feel it necessary to begin this post with something I posted on Facebook regarding gun control in this country...in light of the recent tragedy surrounding the Kansas City Chiefs and the murder/suicide of one of their players and his wife...a very prominent figure in the sports world made some ridiculous associations about guns and their potential for creating fatal conditions...it is therefore with NO remorse I made the following comment to great applause...

Bob Costas is a moron...so is ANYONE with an issue promoting gun control...blaming guns for causing murder is akin to blaming pencils for misspelling words...it's the PERSON utilizing the instrument that is DIRECTLY responsible for how it performs...homicidal maniacs will KILL people whether they have a gun or NOT...whadda we gonna do if you take all the guns away...start banning rope...knives and prescription pills...I don't see any of these industries taking a hit for promoting SUICIDE...whadda buncha asshat lickin' idiots!!!

If a Japanese Kamikaze pilot wanted out of the program he was executed as a traitor...

Well now...isn't that a nice kick in the keister...can't win for losing in that situation...and to be honest with ya...I couldn't care less...two nuclear bombs apparently wasn't enough of a warning for future suicidal bombers...twice our country has been 'attacked'...and I use that term loosely...since on both occasions our government had ample forewarning...which doesn't say much about our own potential for adhering to the age old adage that 'history repeats itself'...which in and of itself is a ridiculous saying...history does NOT repeat itself...PEOPLE who do NOT adhere to the lessons learned previously are DOOMED to resort to repetitive efforts of failure with rambunctious ramifications...when are people going to WTFU...(wake the f**k up)...the Japanese Kamikaze program is DIRECTLY responsible for the promotion of suicidal bombers...and while these zealots are capable of creating huge fatalities when they are successful in their endeavors...the times have changed...the disgruntled Kamikaze pilot was given the opportunity to DIE honorably for their country...or commit ritualistic suicide in the form of Seppuku...or Hara-Kiri...either voluntarily or at the hands of their master...much like the Samurai...in the modern era of suicide bombing...those tasked with performing an unpleasant utilization of killing massive amounts of people in the name of Allah...face the same situation...if they want out of the program all they have to do is push a button or pull a string...preferably in an unpopulated area of the Earth...our country has failed to pick up on the promise of promoting this type of action during war...we continue to spend and send soldiers to sand laden situations where they are NOT needed...yes we have a responsibility to ensure the safety of other people subject to unethical treatment and torture...HOWEVER...we also have an over populated prison system...chock full of people we have deemed unfit for social activities...rather than continue to spend countless millions on munitions...why don't we train these tools to fly an airplane...we can skip the landing class schedules...since their primary targets of interest are going to be buildings full of people we want to punish...I know...I know...some of you are thinking...well that's just barbaric...we cannot condone such a classless act of survival...to which I say...BULLSHIT...think of all the problems this little program would solve...it would create more jobs...somebody hasta build the airplanes being used...populations in prison would decrease...saving taxpayers several trillion pennies per year...we give the prison pilot just enough fuel to get to the intended target...NO more bombs...bullets or bloodied American boys required...just a buncha shiny silver cigar shaped suicide shuttles...I'm sure some of you are wondering just how effective a program of this magnitude will be...take a look at the statistics...Prison populations = overcorwded...Unemployment rates = skyrocketing...Amount of airplanes available = significantly less than required...all the parameters are in place for making this a successful addition to the inventory of our current arsenal...it's either that...or we start relocating our unwanted to these countries...in a role reversal rectifying requiem...send our prisoners to their parts of the planet...then they can take out these misnomered insurgents can take out their hostilities on Americans from the comfort of their own homes...I personally prefer the Prison Pilot Program for performing penance...although I must confess...I shall NOT however promote the false promise of a vast variety of virgins awaiting you in the afterlife...your moments of baggin' little Mattress Back Mary are over...all you can do now is pay for your sins...or continue sittin in your cell...ya know...the survival of the fittest is going to make me awful lonesome one day!!!

DAYLIGHT DRIVING!!!

Car accidents rise 10% during the first week of daylight savings time...

Whadda way to start the week eh...how many people out there actually understand the concept behind daylight savings time???  Yeah me neither...NEVER did make much sense...we roll our clocks forward in the Spring...and backwards in the Fall...so which time is the ACTUAL time???  Believe it or not the current time displayed on the clocks of the curious in every corner of every continent on the crust of the Earth is the correct time...the first week of Daylight Savings Time...commonly referred to as DST here in the USOS...(United States of Slavery)...therefore falls in the Spring...it adds an hour of daylight to the evening hours and subtracts and hour from the morning minutes...that in conjunction with the planet's penchant for TILTING on its axis creates more hours of Daylight during the summer months...more light should mean less accidents...so either this asshat has it backwards...or more of us have difficulty driving when we can SEE better...some countries and even states here in the good old land of the followers...neglect to implement DST procedures...simply because it NO longer makes sense...this program was beneficial in early modern human history...when the use of electricity was in its infancy...as most industrialized nations have mastered the fine mechanics of creating current for the rest of us to consume...the modification of the minute keeper is NO longer a necessity...we continue to employ it in the modern day for the same reason we follow other programs implemented previously which tend to fail or NO longer be functional... because our government stands to lose a serious amount of face with their citizens if they admit shit they had a hand in NO longer serves a purpose...lemme tell ya what...if more people are having accidents during the first week of DST...maybe those mutton heads need to stay in bed another hour or so...I'll tell ya when car accidents rise in my neck of the country...when the white fluffy falls from the sky...which is ABSOLUTELY ASTONISHING to me...ya see I spent the years of my childhood hopping from one location to another as a military brat...got to see an enormous amount of the country we call home...driven through all 50 states at different times of the year...both of my biological birth partners have strong family ties to the Northern Michigan area...which is how I ended up spending the last 20 years of my life in this half frozen tundra...and the one thing that seriously chaps my ass...are the people who have NEVER in all their years on Earth left this corner of the country...SNOWFALL is an EXPECTED occurrence annually...yet every year the morons that multiply in this area of Michigan seem to FORGET what the f**k a car is...and how to manually manipulate it thru three inches of melting material...car accidents increase by 10% up here every time something like SNOW falls from the sky...it's insane...it's like the second SNOW starts to fly thru the air...these f**ktards forget half their cognitive thinking capacitors when they enter their cars...compounding the problem for most non-pedestrian passengers is the fact that they NO longer plow as they should...another situation of stupidity...when we get 10 or more inches of the fluffy stuff the plows stay neatly tucked away in garages...however when we get less than half an inch...these mammoth motor vehicles are out in force...it's like trying to use a holey sock as a protectant against unexpected pregnancy...it makes NO sense...I mean seriously...I can't tell ya how retarded it is up here...each and every year the SNOWFALL brings along with it another smattering of stupidity...it SNOWED here last week during Thanksgiving...I wasn't even here...but there was less than three inches on the road before we had out first fatality...yesterday was Sunday...temperatures have been mildly Mayan the last week...melting off every inch of the white fluffy stuff...except at the ski resorts which are making their own sheets of ice to surf down the side of a mountain on...which creates a whole new set of unsavory situations...our second fatality befell a young girl trying to learn how to snowboard...it's the primary reason I NO longer want to live in a SNOWFALL landing zone...NOT only is it drastically colder than my body would like to handle...but it has been a long held belief of mine that there are things that should live in the colder regions of any continent or country...Polar Bears and Penguins...NOT PEOPLE...I know some of you will say..."But Kevin...what is Christmas without SNOW on the ground"...to which I say...'A f**k of a lot warmer and freer of fatalities'...take it from me...my immediate family seldom had SNOW at Christmas because of the stations we were sent to...and we are ALL still plodding around the planet...I've been here for a mere 20 years...and it that short two decades of human history I can affirm that WE...as inhabitants of this planet...have yet to master Mother Nature and her nasty habits for creating harmful situations regarding existence in SNOW covered landscapes...we have less than twenty days left to discover what the Mayans were trying to tell us with their mythical little minute keeper they manufactured...and while I truly believe NOTHING of a planet wide population plummeting problem will occur...I must say...with the temperatures hovering in the 50's today...I am enjoying this latest phase our planet is progressing through...having done a little research in the history of our planet as we believe it to be...the last time Mother Earth went through a situation of this nature...HUMANS were NOT around to witness it...HOWEVER...fossil records indicate that some 26,000 years ago...the surface temperatures on our rock were such that new LIFE FORMS evolved...some species suffered and fell by the way side in what is known as EXTINCTION...over the millions of years the planet needed to begin the cooling process and create the next Ice Age...what does that mean for those of us living in regions affected by annual SNOWFALL...such as in the state of Michigan...quite simply it means...SELL...SELL...SELL ...as in your house and property...while the next Ice Age may NOT happen in our lifetimes...it will come creeping back into to claim the lands it once held beneath the surface of ice...get out while the getting is good...otherwise...DST and the impending increase of car accidents aside...we should be fine!!!