Here's What I Think of That .^..

The length of the finger dictates how fast the fingernail grows.  Therefore the nail on your middle finger grows fastest...

And the cesspool swimmers get slower...somebody grab this monkey a diving mask wouldja...I think he's headed for some pretty hazardous material over there...whaddawe have here FOLKS...DING...DING... DING...Today's lucky winner gets an all expenses paid trip to Wally World...that's right folks...a round trip ticket to Happyland...full of blue decked sons of Sam...just waiting to see if they can possibly assist you in cluttering up your day...is it just me or does Wal-Mart seem to take the Equality in Employment thing just a tad too far???  Where do you go to get these people...I mean I know where stray animals are adopted from...but where in the hell do you find droolin'...one-legged...eye patch wearin'...Door Greeters that are so damn old they were grandfathered out of Social Security when the program got started...anyway...NOT to get too far off topic...but as part of the Grand Prize you get to change shitty diapers all day...using nothing but your middle finger and industrial strength rolls of John Wayne toilet paper...let's see how well that f**kin finger does on the penetration portion of the WIPING Test you moron...are you kiddin' me right NOW...if our damn fingernails grew at different speeds we'd hafta cut them on different days...schedule them for conformity cuts at the local salon...ignorant butt pirate...from under which f**kin rock did you crawl...somebody shoulda kicked your Ma in the jaw and circumcised your Pa...before your dumb little ass got to paddlin' upstream...ya ignorant little wretch...this guy undoubtedly sleeps alone every night of his life...wanna know how I know that...thought ya might...when you physically possess that much STUPIDITY...the people that come in contact with you develop an immediate...DISLIKE...for your well-being...you sleep alone because anyone who comes in contact with a pillow while in the same room...is likely to try and suffocate you...awake or not...I mean I would...I'd hafta...I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I missed that one golden opportunity to shrink the amount of moronic membranes we have sucking oxygen outta the atmosphere...I mean seriously...how in the hell would you be able to tell???  I'm NO salon specialist or anything like that...I clip my fingernails when I feel like it...usually before they are able to start carryin' bacteria...how is it that women's fingernails always remain so pristine and pretty...and mens always look like they've been rootin' around in the wrong part of the cellar...Oh...that's right...it's that whole equality thing again...work related in other words...NOW I'm NOT sayin' women don't work hard for their money...and endure alot of the same stressful situations as men do...all I'm sayin' is GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY...if ya want help around the kitchen...ya gotta be willing to shovel a little shit barehanded to fertilize the crops...it goes both ways...get rid of all the fancy nail polish...it's probably causin' your precious nails to suffocate...unbeknownst to you...and 318,945,231,739 other women...roughly...on a daily basis...which results in the stunted growth of your middle digit's protrusion protector...you'll end up like this idjit...usin' yer fingernails for sniffin' sum'thin udder than cimmamum...I mean really...Forrest had more common sense than this idiot...and that guy was pretty damn dumb...funny as hell...but dumb...like Bubba...his bestest good friend...just not right in the head...like they got stomped by a mule or sum'thin...and he went on to become a...what was it called...Gazillionaire...I gotta feelin' old Forrest mighta had an elongated...pointed object pokin' around in the old BUSH family plantation...he seems to have the same endearing qualities as old Duh- Duh-Duh-DUBYA...I mean come on...if he was responsible for teachin' Elvis how to dance...is it so inconceivable that they create a sequel showing Forrest as either George's illegitimate grandfather...or at the very least his decrepit old speech writer...I mean those words hadta come from somewhere...Bayou LaBatrie Louisiana seems as good a place as any...that place has gotta be swamp water levels above the sewer this rat infested f**ktard's been festerin' around in...somebody plug the snorkel and let the BIG TURD FLOAT!!!

2nd Place = 1st Loser

An Olympic Gold Medal must contain 92.5% Silver...

I knew it...I've been sayin' it all along...our money isn't worth a damn thing...it isn't backed by gold...obviously since there isn't even enough of it to stamp a ridiculous medal out of...I know...I know...some of you think the Olympics aren't ridiculous and that they showcase some of the best talent the world has to offer...BULLSHIT...it's a platform for failure...Oh...I'm ruthless am I???  Heartless, you say???  Quick, somebody tell me what Mary Lou Retton is doing...or how about Eric Heiden...NOBODY...that's because the launching board of the Olympics is directly positioned over the shallow end of the swimming pool...it doesn't matter how many medals you win...or what records you break...eventually...without steroids...the Olympic records will be established and remain unbroken because there are only so many seconds you can shave off running a mile...or swimming a lap...and the playing field will be leveled once and for all...NOBODY knows what previous Olympic Champions are doing because there aren't very many venues for professional speed skaters...unless they can handle a puck...and shot putters and javelin tossers are useless unless we abolish all forms of modern day weaponry...swimmers...we don't need them either...for the most part we aren't the ones trying to illegally cross borders...and they're seldom educated enough to find gainful employment...ya know what they end up doin'???  Third tier speaking engagements and appearances...which I guess is a form of making a living...if you enjoying being the center of attention for people who chose piss poor career paths themselves...I think they should abolish the Olympics until it actually means something...like let's say we cross breed a few sporting programs and then use them to settle International disputes...we could combine hockey, rugby and lacrosse with that dumbass cross country rifle shooting crap...and let the best man win...single elimination games...winner take all...then there would be a reason to be interested in them...ya know who benefits from a gold medal victory...professional basketball and hockey players...it looks good on their resume'...especially if they have a few Stanley Cups or Larry O'Briens to go along with it...otherwise they can't even be pawned for any significant value...I'd just as soon have a tinfoil necktie...at least I could use it to wrap fish in before putting it on the grill...what can ya do with a silver gold medal...NOT much...melt it down and mint a few nickles...I really don't care for the Olympics...there a nuisance and they always interrupt the schedule of a significant sports program...where people actually make money...and for what...you can't even enjoy the events you wanna see live...unless you're up at the asscrack of dawn cuz the idiots in charge of schedulin' the events think that more of us wanna see figure skating...and floor gymnastics...I wanna see the highlights of the crashes and spills sure...can the rest of that shit and make a Hollywood movie out of it...nah we get to watch downhill slalom skiing...caught on film by still cameras...apparently they haven't heard of technology at the IOC...how about some helmet cams...I wanna get medicated and duck when the slalom gates come crashing thru the camera into my living room...I wanna see impact footage when somebody catches to much air and lands in the wrong area...spilling into the catch fence before tumbling down a French Alp into a crevice...I mean seriously...add some better camera equipment and maybe throw in a few hidden traps here and there...like when they do the ski-jumping shit...use a slingshot delivery system for the skier...send that little son-of-a-bitch for the ride of his life...you wanna fly with ski's strapped to your feet...juice it up a little bit...hold the next ones in Canada...they have a UFO launch pad they're NOT using...come on...let's make use of technology...let's put sharks on a leash in the swimming pools...that oughtta get the blood flowing naturally...break a few records that old dope smoker Phelps established...and let's have some real contact sports like FMJ...(Full Metal Jousting)...if any of you have ever been to one of the Renaissance             festival, and I know Momma has...and watched the fake jousting they put on...you'll love the real thing...it's on the History Channel I think...and it can get pretty intense...now that's a winner take all sport...worthy of an actual gold Gold medal...NOBODY cares if you can do a triple-axle...salchow...backwards flip combination with a horizontal aerial twist...BUT you see somebody get unhorsed while riding at full steam...at the end of a lance...there's gonna be some grog flyin' in those stands...might even be a few people that get froggy...you need good solid spectator sports...who cares if you can swim a mile in record setting speed...can you cross shark infested waters???  Can you swim north along the eastern seaboard against the Gulf current???  I mean do something to impress me...this same old shit...every couple of years...BORING...you're NOT facing the best athletes around the World on a consistent basis...it's a one time ordeal...liven it up a little bit...and I think they should make every country play Australian Rules Football...(don't ask...I haven't figured out what f**kin' rules they're talkin' about either)...it's brutal enough tho...they don't even call an official time out if somebody gets knocked unconscious...his buddies hafta run out and literally drag him off the field in the middle of play before somebody can substitute for him...which as far as I can tell is the only rule they follow...OH...and know visible weapons...I think I've seen a few brass knuckles or forearm I-beams here and there...those poor bastards lose more teeth than an arena full of southern hockey fans...now that would be worth watching...it's almost like organized cage fighting...without the cage...we need to put shit like that in the Olympics...these old Greco-Roman...boy huggin' boy in a very unfavorable position has got to go...it was great during it's time and it might provide some very useful tactics for fighting...I've been on the wrong side of someone who knows how to wrestle...but it needs to have something added to it...there needs to be something to keep you interested...like Lions chained at the edge of the circle...and then give out significant rewards for performance and achievement...if ya can't afford pure gold for the medal then don't sugarcoat it...what does a silver Silver medal contain 100% Silver???  If it does then GOLD is the first loser!!!

AHHH-CHUUUU!!!

If it were possible to sneeze with your eyes open, they would pop out of their sockets...

I have absolutely NO doubt that every bit of this is true...as a matter of fact I would be quite surprised if it wasn't...having seen several people experience this anomaly...and having gone through it a time or two myself...I can attest to the momentary unconscious feeling...associated with blasting nasal waste...at speeds equaling that of the fabled tachyon...for I myself have often marveled at the distance one can launch nasal nuggets with a simple blast from the old beak...wondering how on Earth that kid sitting 10 rows in front of me at the movie theater felt that on the back of his neck...or how the poor lady 2 aisles over at the grocery store has a light misting on her spectacles that now require immediate attention...hell there've been a coupla times I wasn't sure I'd even regain the sense of vision...stumbling around like Helen Keller looking for a leanin' post...and I've seen others lay waste with the dense dew drops of the nasal passage...it seems those with the Bunker Buster...Jimmy Durante style facial cannons cause the most damage...they're able to remove toupee's and wigs from across the room...ruffle the feathers of a peacock at 40 paces...and part the asshairs of a well-matted Sasquatch at point blank range...I hate havin' to sneeze...ya never know if it's gonna be one of the fully functional...fly...be free...fire and forget types...or if it's gonna be the kind that ends up with a  wet charge and a back firin' fiasco...leavin' half the shot danglin' by a thread...and no matter how hard you try to stay tilted forward...one finger on the unaffected barrel...blowing til your veins pop out on your forehead...the damn thing just isn't going to co-operate...you know you're gonna hafta send in the five finger death squad to finish off the job and pull that loose wadding from the mouth of the cannon...some people have more violent episodes of ejection than others...my brother for instance...in his younger days...required nasal cauterization procedures to keep from damn near bleeding to death every time he sneezed...well it wasn't that bad...but it seemed like it at the time...that kid got a bloody nose if he turned his head too quick...sneezing was a very colorful event until they figured out the problem...hell we couldn't leave the house without 2 rolls of toilet paper and a couple hand towels...a box of wet wipes and a change of clothes for the poor kid...the one time we did...Mom pulled into a KFC and made me go inside and steal wet naps and a roll of paper towels...that's where I learned the advantages of one stop shopping...(I'm kidding people...as far as I know...the only sin my Mother is guilty of is SNORING...she's keepin' me up right now as a matter of fact...some 200+ miles away)...but seriously...as far as snot slingers go...my favorite ones are those that try to contain it...they cover their faces with their hands and let that shit fly...are you f**kin' kiddin' me...whaddaya do NOW dumbass...I'd rather take my chances with the old spray and pray method...Let it spray...and pray it doesn't hit anyone...(I know what your thinkin'...Kevin...you sick bastard...how could you just sneeze in public...let it hit other people...and act like NOTHING happened???)...because I learn NEW shit everyday too people...I don't just share this with you for your own entertainment...well...yeah I do...but there are times where it's advantageous to pay attention to detail...re-read the tidbit...what does it tell you???  That you CAN'T sneeze with your eyes open...physically impossible without risking eye popping paralysis...SO what does that MEAN???  It means that if I sneeze...my eyes have to be closed...if my eyes are closed...I can't see...if I can't see...I can't be affected by what others told me happened because I didn't actually witness it...If I didn't witness it I have reasonable doubt that it really happened...somebody could be lying to me...ya NEVER know...isn't that what Defense lawyerin' is all about...half those piranha's are born with a Pinocchio Complex...capable of sneezing half a state away by the age of five...once they're thru law school they can create hurricanes in the North Atlantic from as far away as Australia...or how about the dainty ones...who tr to hold it in...they make that little...zzzint sound...when they sneeze...and half their body looks like it had a seizure til they snap back out of it...take a look around at the people close to ya...some of them pose absolutely NO threat...they'd rather experience an aortal aneurysm than subject you to schnozz spread...some on the other hand will require an umbrella...rain suit...or full chem gear...BE PREPARED!!!

Durtty Bahstahd

Louis the XIV took only three baths in his lifetime...

Which is why the French were somewhat successful in military campaigns back in the day...their enemies couldn't stand the stench and often fled for their lives...considerin' he only married twice...and had more illegitimate children through several mistresses...it stands to reason that some of them might have been late bloomers...the slow swimmin crusty kind...left behind by previous naughty midnight nips at the junction of sinful nectar...I mean seriously...the guy married twice and slept around like he had amnesia and couldn't find his own bed...and all of this while presenting what had to be the most putrid stench known to man...3 baths in a lifetime...and he lived to be what...somewhere in the neighborhood of 77...78...that's once every 25 years whether ya need it or not...maybe this is where brie originated from...dank...nasty...moist...lumps of fat ass flesh rolls full of aged body brie...can you imagine the bath water...hadta damn near turn to mud the minute he fully submerged...whaddaya chisel your chin cheddar off with after 25 years...all those layers of epidermal edam...just waitin' to be spun into a wheel...I mean I've heard of women sleepin' their way to the top...but COME ON...how do ya bed a guy that smells like buck bait and doe urine on a hot summer's day...that doesn't make any damn sense...I make Clydesdale's cry and I don't have that kinda power over women...I could understand it if he were married to an ancient Egyptian with a bull dung diaphragm...all's fair in love and war and what-not...but ta just let the King of France pull down his pants...and start sharin the Royal salami...without first soakin' it in a vat full of vinegar...that's gotta be like stirrin' all the different kinds of pudding with the same spoon...then whaddaya got...somethin' that comes out lookin like tapioca and butterscotch...smells like French Feta...and isn't Gouda 'nough to join the Musketeers...seriously...there's a line that hasta be drawn...much like bath water...on a daily basis...otherwise we don't even share the same airspace let alone a sashay thru the satin sheets...somethin's gotta be wrong with your damn head...to crawl into bed...with somethin' that wreaks...worse than cheese from the Greeks...I mean establish some rules for yourself...like...if it smells like ass...you might wanna pass...if it stinks like the sewer...act like ya never knew 'er...(for the ladies)...it doesn't matter how well he's hung...if he wreaks like 12 year old dung...if he has barnacles on his balls...STOP answerin' all of his calls...if it smells like shit...it's a good time to quit...if she attracts flies...when she opens her thighs...NO perfume can disguise...that heinous little prize...if it looks like a churn...you know goin' in it's gonna burn...if he smells like somethin' died...take a pass on that pony ride...if the smell makes your stomach curl...skip your date with that special girl...if it wreaks like mushroom wine...stand your ground, don't cross that line...if it looks like a decapitated little thumb...it probably won't even get ya numb...if it looks like a bottomless pit...it probably has vipers and poisonous shit....personal hygiene people...that's where it's at...Why do you think animals sniff each others asses???  WRONG...it's because they don't have hands to shake with...how the hell do you go that long without at least gettin' stuck in the rain...I'm pretty damn sure that if we didn't enjoy indoor plumbin'...I'd live within walkin' distance of a stream if nothin' else...good lord...I'd hafta at least play around in a mud puddle every time it rained...I don't see how the hell you could be around somebody like that without eventually inventing your own tag line..."Hey dipshit...this TUB's for you!"...I mean seriously...you go a day without bathin' around me...and I'm gonna let you know about it...we don't play that shit on this side of the pond...you either learn how to scrub your pits...or you keep your ass parked on your side of the planet...little white flag flyin'...sour smellin'...save me...save me...sissy mary...sons-a-bitches...and learn to shave while you're at it...YOUR WOMEN...that's the whole reason we have idiots of our own huntin for Bigfoot...ya International problem causin'...societal misfits...it's NO wonder you got invaded by Germany...hell...according to past history and this little tidbit...all you'd need to invade and conquer France is a couple bars of soap...and maybe a cheese grater to get thru the first couple layers...okay...lemme see where were we...I had to take a little break...it's almost 8pm and it's still hotter than a mad bastard up here...couple more days of this oven-fried weather and I'll be suitable for overseas travel to the Eiffel Tower...which translates into Awful...in case you were wonderin'...the sweat rollin' off my body looks like the French fleeing during WWII...taking any avenue of least resistance...and here's the kicker...I love this shit...and although I don't buy into this apocalyptic end of the world in December/Mayan Calendar Prophecy bullshit...but there is one thing I hope has a little truth to it...I wouldn't mind a little tectonic plate shifting and global repositioning...becoming an Equatorian would be a helluvalot easier if the planet co-operated...I mean come on...we've paid our dues up here in the North...haven't we???  I'll bet it doesn't get this hot in France...otherwise they'd NEVER bathe...they'd think sweat was some sorta self-cleaning solution...me...I think I'm gonna go stand waist deep in Lake Charlevoix...teabag a few trout...and watch the sun go down...it's supposed to stay in the 80s and 90s tonight...so keep your kids away from my front window...as there''s likely to be an anatomically correct...life size Kevin doll strollin' around sans 77 year old stench...or clothing...me and the boys'd be swingin in hammock if I new there wouldn't be news crews here in the morning...Have A Merry Monday!!!

HUWHAT??

There is a law in France against selling dolls without human faces.

That's because those smelly sick little flag wavin' fags like sheep...they had to make a law against bestiality...without upsetting the natives...so they just decided to make it illegal to make a half human...half sheep doll...and what a travesty lemme tell ya...sheep don't bitch...chew gum...stare at the ceiling...click their fingernails...answer cell phone calls...turn the TV channel...holy crap...there have been days where taking up shepherding was startin to sound pretty damn good...IDK if there are an other guys readin' this...but if there are...have ya ever noticed how after you reach the age of about...oh...let's say 18...everything that comes out of a woman's mouth sounds like Charlie Brown's squawk box teacher...WAH..WAH...WAHH...WAHH...WAH...or maybe it's just me...I hear that in a lot of places...almost like bees in my brain...in some of the strangest places...churches...hospitals...court rooms...political speeches...BLAH...BLAH...BLAH... and it all seems to come from the same place...faceless dolls...just open gullets of garbage spewin' sewage slides...tongues roll out...shit falls off...years pass by...we're all gonna die...I just can't believe that as kinky and twisted as the French are...that a human face on a doll was a necessity that required the enactment of a law...it's a doll for Pete's sake...if you're usin' it right you're NOT lookin' at the face anyway...but then again what would I know...I've NEVER had the gumption to shove wood into plastic for pleasure...if you're gonna pay for it anyway...might as well get a real live model and take your chances...I mean don't get me wrong...I can see some very significant advantages to faceless dolls...you get 7 different wigs, a handful or two of name tags...some varieties of make-up...different girl every night...you can be the Baron of Blow-up Dolls...the Pimp Daddy of Plastic Prostitutes...they may NOT make you a ton of money...but you DON'T hafta worry about them needing money either...I mean call me crazy...but when it comes to headaches...they don't have 'em...they're startin' to sound pretty damn good actually...in retrospect...maybe I've been missin' somethin' here...I mean sure...they don't cook or clean...but then again they don't make messes...leave tampon wrappers in the bathroom waste basket...leave their panties in the sink...I'll tell ya...if I were female...I'd wanna be plastic...faceless or NOT...good lord...what kinda filthy habits are in store for the future...old granny panty farts that smell like the dust of death just blew thru the window...bloomers hangin from the shower stall that double as drapes if the tub is bein' used...I mean seriously...what's the worst thing men do...leave the toilet seat up...it's called payback...deal with it...I've developed a steel trap stomach...and I'd still rather look at a faceless f**k puppet than some of the stuff you ladies leave lying around the living facility...Bet most of ya didn't think faceless laws of France's doll manufacturing was gonna head in this direction didja???  Well shame on you...you've been comin' here long enough to know by now...YOU don't know WHAT to expect when you land on this page...I'm NOT tryin to promote the use of plastic to replace the lust for the soft touch of that inner velvet fun tunnel...but it's kinda like this...SHHHHHHH!...Less talkie...more f**kie...well NOT kinda like that...it is like that...ya know why dolls in France hafta have faces...so guys can practice tying a gag with one hand...practice makes perfect...I mean what is it with the gab...gab...gab...especially after sex...MEN want to be simple creatures...EAT...SEX...SLEEP.. REPEAT AS NEEDED...it's NOT that hard...you have each other to talk to...let us watch TV or go act ridiculous with our friends...that's why 99% of marriages don't work...and I mean truly work...I'm NOT talkin' about your grandparents...who are only together so they can see which one dies first...it's because WOMEN talk too much...and MEN don't listen enough...that's NOT gonna change...sure it will modify itself from time to time...we quit draggin' ya by the hair didn't we???  No reason to think we won't continue making civil adjustments...but we're wired differently...we want to HOWL at the MOON...NOT because of it...I know what you're thinkin'...(My god this guy has lost it)...No my friends it is you who are lost in the dark...yet again...if you STOP for one minute and really think about it...MEN & WOMEN initially communicate for ONE reason...faceless...nameless sex...and don't point the finger at MEN...you ladies aren't sportin' Halo's...half the time you're thinkin'...("What if he's hung like an outie...and his belly button is bigger...where will I hide then)...so don't sit there proclaimin' innocence...buncha damn stone throwers anyway...so if that's the reason we establish initial contact with each other...why is it so hard to believe that's all we wanted from each other...why is it we have to complicate matters...look around the rest of the Animal Kingdom people...whaddaya see...the majority of animals on this planet...of a like species...mate extensively across the entire field of the opposite sex...those that attach to one mate for life...have significantly shorter life spans...when will we learn...I've said it before...and I'll say it again...we do some pretty ridiculous shit...for bein' the smartest animal on the planet...Have a Fabulous French Friday and may your Faceless Fornicating Endeavors not go Unnoticed!!!

Shit Chute Surprise!!!

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb...

Yeah...well you're forgettin' one thing there...OH pilot of the poop chute...asshole replacement surgery hasn't been approved yet...that's why some people require colostomy bags...like you for instance...since it seems to have escaped your logical thought processor...that anything capable of passing gas on a consistent and constant gas...would undoubtedly exhaust all such pockets of methane mutation in less than an hour...ending up like a deflated balloon tryin to float down the hallway...you're also dismissing the simple fact that gas passing is an art form...and comes in a wide range of available sizes, sounds, smells and unfortunately at the most inopportune times...my family members have got to be the only non-Mexican immigrants capable of clearing a small tropical rain forest in a single afternoon...buncha bubble-gutted...gas-passin'...ass-fans we are...(I know you think I'm kiddin'...I'll have video footage here in a few weeks...I've taken enough blame for their foul smellin'...after dinner...anal drippings...good lord...the cacophony of caca calls is embarrassing to say the least...and they have NO penchant for protecting the unsuspecting public...they'll just let that silent steamer roll up from the netherlands...destroying nostril hair and eyebrows along it's way...you'd swear some of them sharted along the way...every time they pass by you get a faint whiff of what wasn't on your dinner plate...half the time you can't even keep your food down...it's like raw sushi and sewage...and you can always tell when they're gonna let it flow...they get that look on their face...like...hmm...wonder if anyone will notice this...(RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP)...and then before ya know it...somebody breaks into a version of their own version of a Josh Turner tune..."There's a long brown stain...runnin' down your thigh...don't look now...I think I'm gonna die!"...we may NOT be able to replicate the energy of an atomic bomb over the course of Memorial Weekend...but I'll bet we could sure scare the hell out of a few Kamikaze's...it's kinda crazy when ya think about it...somebody actually took enough scientific measurements of humans passing gas and formulated a theory on how long it would take to reproduce atomic bomb level energy...and 6 years and 9 months is what they came up with...pretty f**kin' happy this dipshit wasn't in charge of the Department of Defense...we'd all be speakin' Samurai right about now...and suckin' down Sake'...you know what else you can do in 6 years and 9 months...NOTHING...haven't you paid attention...it takes us 10 years to complete a 6 week project...I mean seriously...who needs a bomb when you can't find the damn target...take 13 years and build 2 bombs...maybe we'll have a use for them by then...if you passed gas constantly for more than a day...you'd look like a sundried raisin...wrinkled up and lifeless...your brain would dry up and shitty ideas would tumble from your ass like dominoes...and seriously...what kind of idiot leaves a problem like this unresolved...every math teacher I've ever had would shoot themselves dead if I didn't simplify this equation to it's barest form...it would seem that if it took one person 6 years and 9 months of continuous anal flapping to achieve nuclear fusion like energy...that it would take 2 people 3 years and 4.5 months to accomplish the same feat...if we continue to duplicate this procedure we find that 4 people can achieve this feat in...ANYBODY...NO...okay...4 people = a time frame of 1 year, 8.25 months...which means 8 people can do it in...10.125 months...16 people = 5.0625 months...32 people = 2.53125 months...64 people = 1.265 months...128 people = roughly 18 days...256 people = 9 days...512 ass flappers = 4.5 days...and so and so on...basically what it boils down to is this if ya had a few thousand people standin' around passin' gas for a minute...you probably wouldn't need a match...keep in mind...that this equation only applies to natural born citizens...illegal aliens from south of the Texas border...use a different scale...and drastically tilt the numbers in a more favorable...human to atomic fart ratio...depending on what type of burro meat was in the tamales that day...you might only need juan of these siesta takin' sombrero sportin'...burrito beaters...the fact of the matter is...comparisons such as these are often misguided bits of misinformation...if this IDIOT had spent half as much time stayin awake in class...as he obviously did measuring the flatulence of his frat brothers on drunken nights when the nerds had nothing else to do...we wouldn't be having this discussion right now...and this brings me to the main point of this entry...PARENTS...I CANNOT stress to you enough...if your KID is a solid 'C' student in highschool...DON'T spend your life savings on further education procedures...it is far less expensive and significantly easier to train them to retrieve grocery carts and bag cabbage...MONEY doesn't ALWAYS equal INTELLECT...you can't fix STUPID with a personal CHECK...otherwise little Charlie wouldn't be sittin over there in the corner chewin' on a piece of raw cowhide...droolin all over his shoes...you CREATED it...you CONTAIN it...and please...KEEP them from spillin' their seed...it's apparently contaminating the sewers...and infecting homeless prostitutes...because the problem seems to be escalating...I mean...why have a Silly Season...if ya can't shoot DIPSHITS!!!

Do You Feel Rucky Plunk...Well...Do Ya???

Officials in the Philippines requested a copy of Dirty Harry to use as a training film for their police...

For real...somethin' tells me I'd be alot less intimidated by a 4'-6" Filipino gunslinger...seriously..I know what you’re thinking: "Did he fire six shots, or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk?...just wouldn't sound the same bein' screamed from the lungs of a pissed off little peckerhead from the Philippines...see the problem is...INTIMIDATION...usually comes with size...this isn't always the case...but 9 times out of 10...tonnage rules...that's why bigger trucks demolish smaller cars...blah...blah...blah...yadda...yadda...yadda...it's not a new invention...these idiots using a Dirty Harry movie to train their police...is like teasin' midgets with tales of Jack in the Beanstalk...you know deep down inside it isn't gonna matter...they're NEVER gonna get taller...but in a cruel way...it can be fun to watch...kinda like seein' a buncha skinny little 30lb brown skinned good Samaritans tryin' to hold up a hand cannon that weighs twice as much as they do...maybe it had NOTHIN' to do with the gun Harry used...historically and theologically midgets use slingshots to slay giants...or so I've heard...and I must confess...I've tangled with a few people shorter than me with negative results, so there are exceptions to the rule...so perhaps it was for the employment of facial expressionism...because as we all know...NOBODY can pull off the Dirty Harry pose quite like Clint...and I can't imagine what a buncha Filipino lookin' Lilliputian Police runnin' around tryin' to pull off that squinty eyed...come f**k with my day...gaze...I think I'd start lookin' for the ghost of Allen Funt...and hidden cameras...not too mention the ROFLMAO...deep...hearty...belly laugh and subsequent snot and tears streamin' down my face...can ya just picture it...they'd yell..."FREEZE PLUNK"...and I'd hear..."Follow the Yellow Brick Road"...it's bound to cause problems...and before ya know it...YOURS TRULY...is starring in his own episode of Locked Up Abroad...10 hours later...after escaping custody...by wading thru a shitload of screamin' meanies...asshole deep...and swimming to safety...hitching a ride with a passing pod of tuna hunting dolphins...landing on the shores of southern Mexico...having to tan for 10 months just to get into America legally by any underground tunnel system...I'll finally get to tell millions of people what a tragic experience I endured...how horrible the conditions were...the cells being to short for me to fit inside...which led to them try and torture transfer me...on some kinda twisted bamboo baton death march...to a larger facility on the far side of the island...it should be a huge hit...especially when I reveal that they stripped me of my clothes during the process...every chachi lovin' Korean will wanna take a look at that...I'll be an International Stupid Star...caught on film laughin my ass off at a buncha wanna be cowboy cops...that can't figure out if they wanna watch Clint's next movie or star in it...I mean what were these guys thinkin'...Dirty Harry drove a 1968 Ford Galaxie 500...and he took up the entire driver's seat...ya know how many...Little People Police...you could fit in one of these big ass metal monsters...you'd only need 2 cars for the entire police force...don't get me wrong...I'm sure some of these people are...VERRY CRAFTY...EVERRYBODY VERRY CRAFTY...probably have some sort of Brazilian Street Fighting/UFC/Wing Chun Kung Fu/Decapitization move that would render me useless...but in a gunfight...the worst that can happen is I get kneecapped with a headshot...this is one of those tidbits I could play with for hours...there's just way too much humor here...I mean considering that the Philippines are loosely associated with prostitution...or lovely ladies who just want to go...'to land of BEEG PX'...one could easily assume that hearing dirty...hairy...and Filipino in the same sentence was a reference to te website of an unshaven...naughty...Filipino floosie...I mean it's a stretch...but then again you probably haven't been to the Philippines or known someone that was stationed there...which brings me to another point...somewhat off topic from the title of the tidbit...but WHY is prostitution ILLEGAL???  If paying for sex is a sin...married men are 10 times guiltier than any JOHN...everything they do is a cleverly disguised pussy plan...(sorry fellas...secrets out)...I know...I know...you think I'm kiddin'...if you're married...look around your house...neat and tidy...right???  He helps out by keepin' the yard looked after...and the garbage taken out...that's what we do...if we can't watch TV when we're inside...why be inside...take a little ladies vacation...leave a few hidden cameras behind...see what kinda heathen you're living with...trust me...WE are entirely different creatures when left to our own devices...if you're expected to be gone for 7 days...NOT a DAMN thing will get done around the house until the 6th day...if your husband cleans each and every day you're gone...there's a little more than a skeleton in that closet over there...if ya know whaddam sayin'...don't be fooled...we all wanna sport the Dirty Harry snarl...quietly and confidently striking fear into the hearts of our foes...truth is most of us even watch a little dirty porn every now and then...NO...NOT while you're lookin'...unless you're into that type of thing...in which case my cell phone # 999 555 1212...please send ratable photos...NOT airbrushed photo shop bullshit either...I can tell...and by dirty porn I don't mean graphic hermaphrodite midget mud wrestlin'...that shits for those Brokeback Mountain Boys...keep it the hell away from me...if you're watchin' that shit you either need to pull the plastic bag tighter around your head...or pull a Carradine Collar down around your neck and do a little danglin' dance...you sick puppies...I know there's a gutter...but there's a sewer below it...keep your standards up...and NOW...like most of you have become accustomed to...comes the moment when we must bid each other such sweet sorrow...until we meet again...SMELL YA TOMORROW!!!   Happy Humpday!!!

JEREMIAH SAY'S...

A frog's favorite color is blue...

Of course it is...any damn dog with contact lenses can tell ya that...what...was there a stew meat special on the day this little medical prodigy of the optical world was hatched...I mean seriously...this kinda sh*t makes me wanna just pulverize somebodies pumpkin pit...when are these wizards of wonderfully wrong information gonna get a grasp on the obvious...ANIMALS do NOT speak...therefore they canNOT communicate their likes and dislikes in a manner we CAN  recognize...you pathetic puddles of naughty nectar...get it thru your heads...sure some animals will exhibit preferences to certain objects of a distinct color...that doesn't however mean it is their favorite...ever heard of BULLS...they charge at vibrant red configurations...that DOESN'T mean they LOVE that particular color...as a matter of FACT it seems to AGITATE the EVER lovin' sh*t outta them...the EYES of humans are distinctly different from the EYES of an animal...as far as we KNOW...they all see things differently...and for all this IDIOT...or any of us for that matter...KNOWS...the "scientific evidence" that claims to prove certain aspects associated with animal vision are true...such as all DOGS are colorblind...was made up in the first place...by an obviously brighter bunch of scientific minds...that had come to the conclusion...it really didn't matter what they said...common folk wouldn't EVER be able to DISPROVE it since ANIMALS were NEVER going to SPEAK anyway...boy do I miss THOSE guys...they didn't waste time and money on fruitless endeavors did they..."HEY...we need a big ass bomb...something the world has NEVER seen before...make it as lethal as possible...and have a BLAST developing it"...and what happened..."Viola'...here is your bomb"...whaddawe get nowadays..."HEY...we desperately need a cure for cancer and AIDS"...(They all huddle together whispering..."WTF are they talkin' about...we can't come up with a cure...we'll be out of business")...how the hell do you come up with such a statement as..."A frog's favorite color is blue"...the damn frog doesn't even KNOW what BLUE means...unless it has an epileptic seizure while in the fly catching process...swallows it's own tongue...and begins flopping violently about its lillypad...and EVEN that doesn't indicate BLUE as the favorite color...people like this amaze me...it's like a special kind of DANE BRAMAGE...we just can't seem to cure it...doesn't seem to matter how many thousands upon thousands of dollars they throw away at an education...you just can't teach COMMON SENSE to some people...something goes haywire during the 9 month incubation period...maybe it's cordal claustrophobia...and the poor critter's cranial capacitor remains undeveloped...who knows really...they are an anomaly all their own...they're like asexual worms...completely useless except for siftin through soil and depositin' sh*t...it's like all those Zombie movies wrapped into one...they're starving for BRAINS and have NO idea where to get them...they chase down other IDIOTS...that for whatever reason...seem to stick around the area until they're captured and cannibalized...it's a vicious cycle of STUPIDITY...like bein' caught in a whirlpool of WTF witlessisms...I suppose the age old adage is right...it takes all kinds...if it wasn't for these bugs...the rest of us wouldn't need windshields!!!

05/14/12

In the first century AD, Roman doctors endorsed the brushing of teeth with urine...

and this my friends...should give everyone cause for concern when somebody utters those famous words..."When in Rome...do as the Romans"...it should also provide you with the fuel to debate and debunk such logic...I know I intend to use this information to my advantage...I'll carry a pack of gum...tic-tacs...and maybe even a little bottle of mouthwash just for such occasion...and the next time I hear anyone say those words I'll offer them one of the above items...or the contents of a colostomy bag...whichever they prefer in order to eliminate that foul mouth...piss pump perfume...emanating from their oral orifice...perhaps if they had the advantage of global travel at the time they coulda combined with those hogs hair brush heathens of Asia Major...I don't get the logic of using urine to brush your teeth...didn't these dumbasses realize that if we were intended to drink or use our own urine for oral purification purposes it would have a recognizable or enjoyable flavor to it...it's a hot liquid...normally ejected at temperatures close to if NOT exactly comparative to that of the body they are being expelled from...WHAT...about that little fact...compelled Roman doctors to promote it as a useful product for cleaning out the crusties from the cavity collector...I don't even like takin' a piss when I'm drunk...and splashin' it on my shoes...let alone thinkin' of applyin' it to my toothbrush...I mean seriously...this sounds more like an orgical fetish than an actual proven method of scrubbin' the gums...there's a very valid and significant reason we do NOT use urine as a substitute for other liquid applications...it's because the majority of the planet is covered in WATER...a viable resource for any internal consumption or utilization...without WATER life would cease to exist...people wouldn't have attained the necessary evolution procedures to manufacture a pint of piss to brush theur teeth with or anything else..I'm morbidly curious as to what they did with the other waste material that was produced by the human body...I personally ecstatic that I wasn't born into an era absent of toilet paper...indoor plumbing...or proper hygiene procedures...I mean...I'm assuming they bathed back then...probably NOT as often as most people do today...but you'd hafta think that as a 1st Century medical professional...that dirty tub WATER was more suitable for tooth brushing business...than a person's own urine...it's NO damn wonder they held...wine guzzling...grape swallowing...orgy-fests...you would too if you had to brush your masticators with bodily fluids...it'd be the only way to avoid embarrassing episodes of chronic halitosis...as a matter of fact...in retrospect...taking into account...current hygiene procedures of the time...and documented historical evidence offered by Hollywood and the History Channel...it would seem that these heathens bathed once a year...whether they needed it or NOT...so I suppose it is quite possible that oral urine application methods could be viewed as advantageous...since the opening of the gaseous gullet after a year spent conquering other land masses and ethnicities...could prove to be orally offensive and deadly...however I am sure had they taken a few moments to consider what they were doing...what tools they currently had in place...and the availability of implementing them for hygienic purposes...they might have come up with other more effective methods of mutilating mouth bacteria...without the use of acidic...internally heated...piss potions...of course...I could be wrong...remember...these people...throughout their history...have been honored with some seriously defective methods of societal advancement...they allowed a horse to be named a Senator...tossed Christians to the lions...like they were candied confetti for a public parade...and NOW the approved use of waste water for whitening purposes...doesn't make me wanna run over and visit Italy anytime soon...and I sure as hell am in NO rush to act like a Roman should I ever end up there...kinda makes me wonder where current medical practices originated from...as well as where they're headed...IDK about you folks...but I'm pretty damn sure common sense existed back in 1st Century Rome...they may NOT have had the technological advancements we possess today...like the Internet...however...I'm just as sure they had communication with other civilizations...and I doubt very seriously these other societies were implementing sour...salty tasting...individually processed and produced purposes for properly using piss...to brush their teeth...you hafta remember we're talking 1st Century AD...toothbrushes probably doubled as fingers when NOT being used for other practical purposes...these fingers were attached to hands...hands that were undoubtedly used in place of toilet paper...since toilets...and waste paper hadn't yet been invented...which means they probably had a little more than bad breath going on there...buncha sick...twisted...toga wearin'...turdswillers...I guess if you're wipin' your ass with the same hand you brush your teeth with...dribblin' a little piss on your fingers was probably thought of as a protection against spreading the already present rectal bacteria...from improper evacuation procedures...surrounding anal alleviation applications...kinda makes ya wanna gargle with a gallon of golden shower solution doesn't it?...ME NEITHER...however it does give me an idea for a new oral hygienic product...that I should be able to...flood...the open market with...after a couple of beers...ROMAN REJUVENATION RINSE...bottled like Caesar dressing and sold in abundance...with a slight taste of hops for color and good measure...place your reservations now...from my new popular website...TOGA TOILETRIES...for a complete list of products...including ASS CRACKERS...and GLADIATOR GUMDROPS...for those that want the taste of waste...without the embarrassing procedure of performing their business in a public setting...Party like a ROMAN ROCKSTAR with COLOSSEUM COFFEE...a bitter taste from the past...sure to make ya gag like a prostitute pilfering straight from the piss pump...place your orders TODAY!!!

05/11/12

Coca-Cola translated into Chinese means, "Bite The Wax Tadpole"...

Today's Tidbit brought to you by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum...proud sponsors of middle aged momentary lapses in memory...also known as..."OFIFA"..or...Oh F**k I Forgot Again...dontcha just love that...how the English language...in conjunction with technology and a new form of shorthand...continues to morph into acronyms for all kinds of silly shit...and they're relatively easy to come up with or so I've learned...however it is imperative that the sender and receiver be on the same wave length...otherwise there can be some serious miscommunication...for instance...the acronym...'SMDH'...can be used to mean a number of different things...it just depends in what context it was used...and in what company the person using it was in...if somebody says something ridiculous or funny...SMDH...generally means...???...anybody???  Shakin' My Damn Head...however if it happens to be a couple of elementary classmates texting back and forth it could very well mean...So Much Damn Homework...I know...unbelievable right...they're finding ways to circumvent the household...NO CUSSIN' policy...crafty little bastards...then again if you're in a back alley with ah...how shall we put this...'lady of the evening/escort service person'...it could mean...Suck My...you get the picture...anyway...enough of being sidetracked for the moment...I love when that happens by the way...it's like a nice little mini vacation from my mind...let's see where were we...oh yes...the Chinese meaning of Co- Corah...it doesn't mean..."Bite The Wax Tadpole"...obviously...since we just proved that the acronym...SMDH...completely covered that definition in the third example...translated properly into Chinese..Co-Corah...means...(Follow along with me here...Stick figure fighting wasp...house on fire with dragon penis...two story steeple with flowers and chair legs...and kung-fu artist choking on grain of rice)...@ least that's what I make out of those weird ass little Asian Rorschach lookin symbols...but I'm NO expert...so don't take my word for it...for all I know it could be...stick farmer bows to fighting rooster...oriental woman on bad hair day with forked tongue...a Chinese circus stack of chairs and trapeze...and an Ethiopian person being served up Schezuan Style...guess it just depends on what part of China you're in...BTW...since they already use characters and symbols...do they have shorter way of writing something...I mean seriously...do they teach that over there in the skewl system...Asian Acronyms 101...they need too...cuz NOTHING makes me smile like seein' an Asian character tattoo...because 9 times out of 10...when I see one...and I ask the person...'Hey what does that mean?'...They are extremely rapid with the response...'it means...Love...or Honor...or WTFE'...to which I always respond...'Who toldja that?'..."The person that did the tattoo...why?'...then I ask in a very serious manner...'Were they Asian???  Because I think they misspelled something...ya might wanna get that checked out'...and then I just mosey on my way...leaving them to wonder just WTF they have branded on their body...it's cruel I know...but it's a lesson at the same time...and it applies to this Tidbit specifically..."DON"T BELEIVE EVERYTHING SOMEBODY ELSE TELLS YA"...I mean come on...think about it folks...I'm NOT even Asian and I know that if one of them walked up to a vending machine and their only 2 choices were..."Bite The Wax Tadpole"...or..."Pes-si"...they're gonna choose Pes-si all the time...because NOBODY likes thinkin' there's a wax f**kin' tadpole inside that little aluminum can...Pes-si BTW...contrary to popular belief...does NOT translate into..."Don't Bite The Wax Tadpole"...maybe they shoulda changed the name of the product they sold over there...paste the can with an image of a hogs hair toothbrush and put the characters and symbols together that say..."Fresh Breath In A Can"...then I could see it goin' somewhere...I mean who wants to bite the wax tadpole...especially after suckin' on raw fish heads all day...I mean seriously...cats don't even smell like that when they've gotten into the garbage...I've got an idea...translate this...XO*$&SO!*&...I know...it doesn't look like Chinese...but when it comes out meaning...TIC-TAC...you pay NOW...then you GO...GO...I NO JOKE...YOU GO NOW...GET BACK TO WORK...SHOWS OVER!!!

05/09/12

On average 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily...

And those are the lucky ones...the current world birth rate is approximately 1 new birth every 4.2 seconds...that means there are roughly...20,571 new born babies delivered every day...around the world...the other 20,559 will grow up wishing they had been handed to somebody else...this aspect will become apparent right around the time they transition thru puberty and into the NEVER ending world of instantaneous knowledge...little peckerheaded...potty mouthed...prodigies that wear their pants puddled around their ankles...this is an interesting FACT...and it may be beneficial to you under certain circumstances...especially if you are the ghost white...pasty faced...red head of the clan...and everyone else looks like they came from a tropical location near the equator...chances are you were one of 12 that particular day...you may have been the fastest swimmer to flow thru a fallopian tube on the day of conception...however the simpleton that saw you into this world obviously suffers from...Salmonitis... you know...that inherent ability to appear as tho they are constantly swimming upstream...f**kin' idiots that NEVER seem to figure out the path easiest traveled is the one that offers the least resistance...I don't get it...one would think this should be a very simple process...however...having had several experiences with hospitals and medical facilities myself...I can assure you that altho there is often a sufficient power supply...the lights aren't always on with these people...I have absolutely NO doubt that more then one expectant mother has shown up at an Emergency Room...or hospital...on the verge of giving birth...only to be asked...'Is there something we can do for you today...what seems to be bothering you?'...and that's because the people working in these facilities do NOT get outside enough...lack of oxygen affects the brain...I'm really NOT surprised by this little morsel of mistaken identity procedures...propagated by various medical facilities...in this day and age...most of the younger generation that have chosen professional career paths in operational medicine...got their degrees on GOOGLE and YOUTUBE...and as anybody that knows me can attest...I DO NOT do hospitals...as a general rule for maintaining good health...ask a local Centurion how they managed to live for 100 years...each one of them will tell you the same thing...they stayed AWAY from doctors...you hafta remember folks...the practice of medicine sprang from the minds of con artists...back in great-great-great grandma's day...they sold snake oil and toad stool...as CURE-ALL remedies for everything from a simple scratch to a gunshot wound to the head...and people were anxious to try this stuff...because they were too damn ignorant to listen to the generation before them about the proper herbs and concoctions that could heal the human body...now I'm sure I'll hear an earful from my sister Kelly on this subject...(shhh...don't tell anyone but she is like some big shot nurse/medical expert/smartest chick I know/personal call center for my own aches and pains/questions/comments and concerns...and has worked at some of the most prestigious hospitals and clinics in the country...you could say she was a Senatorial Sac Assistant at one time)...so she is very familiar with being in close proximity to the Wind Tunnel Wizards of both the medicinal field as well as the political field...how she has done it for this long is beyond me...I'd be a dungeon dwellin'...cinnamon stick scratch and sniff champion...agoraphobe by now...it's gotta be like workin' in a constant hurricane...with an occasional tornado tossed in for good measure...but seriously folks...you know your ass is in trouble when you walk into a medical facility suffering from an allergic reaction...that has caused your entire body to swell up like the Michelin Man...eyes so puffy ya can't see where you're walkin'...fingers the size of full blown Twinkies...and the first thing the nurse says as she slides open the window is..."Here...we're gonna need you to fill out this paperwork before we get started."...it gets even worse when they finally call for an Ambulance...and the happy go lucky...part-time paramedic...wannabe stock car driver shows up with an anxious...excited..."f**k me this is fabulous I get to drive fast"...smile on his face and the first thing he asks is..."Do we have authority to use the paddles on him?"..."WHOA there COWBOY...I'm still coherent here...let's NOT go brandin' the cattle before we have them corralled...it'd be a real bitch to hafta cowpunch you in the pecker there pahdnuh"...UNBELIEVABLE...but that's what ya get when ya live in the anal cavity of America...(come on...look at the shape of the state of Michigan...it looks like a big...toilet paper covered hand...reaching for a turd)...and that's just one of many horror stories involving my urgent trips to determine if they know WTF they're doin'...these hypocrites are the most stereotypical bunch on Earth...don't show up there with a serious medical condition...especially if it's abdominal in nature...and you are in your mid 20's to early 30's...you hafta endure the most ridiculous accusations you've EVER heard for 3 days before they finally decide to try and save your life and keep themselves out of a lawsuit...Apparently the symptoms of a ruptured Appendix or an incredibly large gall stone are easily misidentified and associated with drug overdose...or withdrawal from drug abuse...I can't count how many times they tox screened my blood...while simultaneously injecting me with large doses of Demerol...until that quit working and they had to switch over to morphine...looking for what kind of DRUGS I was on...when that finally failed they took X-Rays...or tried to...as it was damn near impossible for me to release myself from the perma-fetal...turtle shell position I found most comfortable...it wasn't until they subjected me to an ultrasound...(and who knows why they had to waste all that money...I tried tellin' the lady I was anatomically incorrect for there to be the presence of a living being sharing my mortal shell)...eventually they found the problem...some 2 or 3 days later...and performed...EMERGENCY SURGERY...because by then...AFTER repeatedly CONFESSING to them that the ONLY other drug present in my system might be MJ...I was one sick puppy...whacked out on a morphine drip...unable to contain solid food in any way...shape...or form...therefore it became a NECESSITY to operate IMMEDIATELY...it's like their ears are plugged with afterbirth...half of them think a fallopian tube is something you use with a HOOKAH...so losing 12 babies a day...seems more like a SUCCESS STORY...than a useless fact...IDK...maybe it's just me that has the dumb luck with doctors...because I didn't have much success out in North Dakota either...hop on one foot into the ER in that nifty little nugget of NO MANS LAND...dressed in shorts during a blizzard...hanging your left foot in the air because the pinkie toe has become entirely and extremely disassociated with the entity of the foot it is normally attached to...and is now hanging by NOTHING more than a thread of flesh...plop it onto the ER nurses desk and watch the little fella dangle...back and forth...in and out of view...like it's playin' Hide & Seek with your ass behind the ball of your foot...just to have the bright-eyed...very attentive nurse say..."What brings you to the Emergency Room today?"..."Notta f**kin' thing...it was a little cold out in the parking lot...and I got tired of trying to operate the clutch in my truck...is there somebody here with an IQ higher than my rectal temperature that I might speak with?"  The attending physician was just an intelligent when he finally appeared...looking like I had interrupted a Mid-Afternoon Affair of a coitus nature he was having with his left hand...took one look at my foot and said..."OUCH...looks like ya broke your little toe"...Really there genius...cuz I was leanin' more towards mild strain...with the possibility of excruciatingly painful torsion...it's rampant throughout the entire medical industry...when I had to go to the hospital for gall bladder surgery...it was in an ambulance...which had been dispatched to my location after a frantic call to a 911 operator...the first thing they asked me after they loaded me into the back of the Ambulance was..."What is your address?"...How the HELL did you get HERE...so yeah...12 babies a day to the wrong parents is a little tragic...especially if you have the tan of a Caribbean Pirate...and your siblings are all transparently white with Dot-to-Dot games on their cheeks...otherwise...it's just another good day at the Delivery/Death Department!!!

05/07/12

All dogs...no matter what size...scratch at the same speed...

Well...whaddaya think folks???  Proof positive that Astrophysicists need to locate the answer to the age old question...'Is there intelligent life somewhere out there?'...because according to this dock tailed idiot there isn't much of it left here on Earth...Dogs don't even scratch in the same damn fashion...let alone at relative speeds...ever seen a dog rolling around in the grass...trying to alleviate an itch...NO scratching involved...somebody throw this slobbering jowled jackass a bone wouldja...have ya ever reached down and scratched a dog under the chin...or around the ears???  they NEVER seem to mind at what speed you happen to be scratching them...they're just happy as hell somebody has paid attention to them...I swear...the stupidity of this statement is Dumbya-ical...ever seen a dog use it's teeth to get at an itch on it's paw...does it chew at the same speed as it paws at a collar...highly doubtful...lemme tell ya a thing or two about itches and the processes with which all animals rid themselves of this problem thru the simple act of scratching...SPEED has NOTHING to do with the end result...satisfying the urge to rid oneself of such an issue requires one thing...and one thing only...an item or piece of equipment that can provide the necessary reach and proper amount of surface contact to ease the source of the itch...as a matter of fact...using one of these tools...which can include fingernails or paws...with any amount of excessive speed normally results in loss of epidermal layers...which in turn normally ends up bleeding...I can't believe in this day and age of technology this canine clusterf**k couldn't pull up a couple of videos on YouTube and figure out that dogs use different methods and speeds to scratch themselves...dogs also possess the rare talent of being able to scratch with all four legs...or paws...NOW I'm not a veterinarian by any means...however I would venture to guess that the skeletal structure of any dog...prohibits the application of similar speeds by both the front legs and back legs...simply because they are NOT designed the same, they do NOT bend the same...in the same directions...or enjoy the same ball and socket joints in the front shoulders as they do in the hips...this guy probably couldn't manage to scratch his ass if both hands were made out of sandpaper...I have NEVER seen a dog sit back on its haunches...lift a back leg to attempt to scratch at something...rip thru it in 5 nanoseconds flat...without so much as a few cursory twitches of the paw just to make sure the itch was gone...at relatively slower speeds than the initial itch...and altho this moron of man's best friend has obviously NEVER caught a subtle whiff of cinnamon...he has nonetheless provided all of us with some very useful and valuable information about speed in general...such as...all idiots...regardless of internal cranial capacity...are incapable of producing intelligent thought at speeds greater than STALL...it's people like this that were born to fly unaided by anything artificial or additional...HONESTLY...these people can literally FLY...I know ya don't believe me...most of you have questioned my authority before...and where did it get ya...NO WHERE...but seriously...you push one of these air-headed..ingrown...anal hairs out an airplane at 30,000 feet...and eventually they'll explode as they escape the gravitational forces of Earth and enter outer space...(I can hear it already...but Kevin...why don't they float away as they're walking down the street?)...2 simple reasons actually...the first is obvious...the air is thinner at 30,000 feet...and the further you are from the planet the less gravitational effect it has on the human body...the second reason is a little more complex...it involves deception...and it has been going on for years...and it's actually a government funded program...they have SPECIAL SHOES...kinda like the ones Forrest got from his Momma...'she said they'd take me anywhere'...except these shoes are made out of lead...this serves 2 purposes in and of itself...1) It keeps them firmly planted on the ground when they are outside...tying them off to hitching posts started causing problems in flight paths for most airlines...who began complaining flying thru skies filled with f**ktards was becoming increasingly difficult...even for a Pinball Wizard...and the 2nd it establishes a stereotype the rest of us can easily identify...SLOW & STUPID...that's why they look like their feet weigh a ton...because they do...lead shoes are difficult to get around in...they cause these people to trip and fall occasionally...and this is where the helmets come into play...NOBODY wants to be sittin in court on Child Abuse charges because little Johnny fell and bumped his head...and the echo still continues...it's NOT like you can cause anymore brain damage to these types of people...they come up with dumbass ideas about dogs all on their own...NO additional input...accessories or special equipment needed...I guess they do serve a purpose tho...without them there wouldn't be a need for IQ tests and state standards in the school system...we'd live in a world full of smartasses...of which I would be King and Conqueror...and intellectual witticisms would rule the day...practical jokes and pranks would be mandatory...as would video evidence of the event...broadcast for approval by the masses...it would be like YouTube and Google Earth collided...the level of tolerance for stupidity would be at an all time low...individuals suspected of succumbing to such ignorance would be chemically castrated...waterboarding their genitalia in molten wax and Wasabi oughtta do the trick...help keep the dumbness down to levels of acceptability...which means until they've overpopulated the deserted island they're stranded on...I mean seriously folks...if you're gonna use a lead based paint as fingernail polish on our kids...and allow them to suck their thumbs...WTF did you expect...Nobel Prize winners???  Get real...they're like the monkeys we sent into space...ass scratchin'...shit flickers...put a bucket on little Billy's brain basket and send him off with the other little...slow footed speed skaters on the fast track to no where...All dogs scratch at the same speed regardless of size...for f**kin' real yo...the size of an object...especially a living creature...is directly related to the range of motion...the greater the range of motion in similar species...the faster the bigger member is...that's why Cheetah's run faster than housecats...and here's the real kick in the teeth...I probably spent less time in school than the author of this tidbit...significantly less money on educational endeavors...and yet...here I am...leaps and bounds ahead of the shit sniffers in society...and why is that you might ask...simple really...it's called COMMON SENSE...you know...that ability to think for yourself...and that my friends has NOTHING to do with the physical speed of similar organisms...but rather the mental speed with which an individual processes thought...some operate at levels greater than that of the hypothetical tachyon...while others muddle about like their minds are wading thru raw maple syrup in winter...and people...if you have pets...especially dogs...don't subject them to the cruelty of an obedience school just because they appear to scratch a little slower or faster than their other four legged fur bearing brethren...dogs scratch at different speeds for the same reason humans do...sometimes a long...slow...Sunday afternoon scratch is just what the doctor ordered...and at other times it's a 5 minute frolic that satiates the senses...it all depends on your urge to scratch that itch...if ya know whaddum sayin!!!

05/04/12

Ghosts tend to deteriorate after about 400 years...

OMFG...you know what that means don'tcha???  Since we as humans...cease to be able to recognize apparitions after the age of 7...a new ghost can last for 57.142857 increments of 7 year intervals...ya know...I don't get it...paranormal experts...are generally over the age of 20...and into adulthood...yet they admit people loose their ability to see ghosts after turning 7 years old...and NOW...those same ghosts...are out living Sequoia's...gimme a break...if you could prove that ghosts got to hang around here for another 400 years after they had shucked their mortal shell...there wouldn't be Suicide Hotlines...DUMBASS...we'd all want to die as quickly as possible and there wouldn't be any humans left...because...let's be honest...who the hell wants to sit around here...in this cesspool...payin' taxes for 100 years...so some...holier than thou...shit for brains...hypocrite can practice politics you don't agree with...and who wants to work 50-60 years before they can retire...ANYBODY???  Didn't think so...I mean...sounds to me like bein a ghost...is a much better way to enjoy this planet...NOBODY alive can see you...they'll say they can...but they're 7...who's gonna believe them anyway...and next year on the little bastard's birthday...the Ghost Goggles get put on the second he blows out his candles...stay away from children in...or below the 3rd grade...just to be safe...because some of us were quick learners...that shoulda graduated a lot earlier...but our parents didn't think being intelligent was cause enough for elementary advancement...NOT once but twice...I'd like to know who the hell came up with this tidbit of information about...Incubi...Succubi...and cambions...(quick...what's a cambion???)...it's a half-human offspring created by an Incubus and his earthly female victim...MERLIN...in the tale of King Arthur...the mythical version...NOT the factual...was such a creature...his father was said to have been an incubus...while his mother was a mortal human being...you know who invented ghosts???  Truthfully...RAPISTS...you can't catch a seed spilling ghost now can ya...NOT unless your 7...the theory goes...that as far back as...GHOSTS...have been recorded...the male version...or Incubi...mates with human women...impregnating them while they sleep...giving birth to half-human...half-supernatural offspring...(I know what you're thinkin'...BUT Kevin...this doesn't mean that GHOSTS don't exist)...OH YEAH...well then...WHY is it that only women are able to give birth to these beings???  Human men that are visited in the night by Succubi...don't stand in court rooms across America...beggin' off Child Support...because you can't prove the child's mother exists...and you have NO possible way of sending the money to her anyway...WTFU...it only makes sense...SEX...has long been considered Taboo...by damn near every civilization and society on the planet...it is an act exercised behind closed doors...and in privacy...for the most part...Hot Tub and Toga Parties excluded...HEY...don't judge me...When in Rome...or in Roman garb...do as the Romans did...F**k in public...anyway...because of this Taboo-titude towards acquiring animalistic carnal knowledge...(don't play dumb...they don't call it...Doggie-Style...because humans invented it)...our ancestors didn't experience the act of sex the same way modern people do...well I can't speak for everybody...some of you may still be doing the missionary position...you know that time honored traditional method...commonly shared by priests and alter boys...our ancient ancestors committed the act more out of necessity...then for enjoyment...they needed to raise children to help with the labor around the house and farm...so sexual interludes were often kept to a minimum...and only entertained when they served a purpose...that is until the human mind began to evolve...and some among us began to have...wet dreams...nocturnal emissions...they needed an excuse to explain what happened...so the ghost theory started...the Succubus was first...a female ghost...that snuck into the human males bedroom at night...and caused them to spill a million swimmers on their sheets...eventually Carnal Caveman Lust crept back into the picture...and men decided that the...Ghost Theory...could also be applied to women...and offer an explanation for how they...MYSTERIOUSLY...got pregnant...betcha didn't wake up this mornin...get your coffee at Starbucks for just under $20.00...and rush into work thinkin' you were gonna learn somethin' new today didja...I know...I know...that's a lot to SWALLOW...(that's what the Succubus said)...but ask yourself this...especially those of you employed in the chosen career field of legal issues...How come GHOSTS have NEVER been accused of anything else...GHOSTS don't...KILL people...they don't ROB people...they don't ABUSE children...they don't HARM animals...they don't COMMIT tax fraud...they don't CRIPPLE economies and BORROW more money from other countries that they NEVER intend to repay...they're NEVER convicted of DUI...DRUG POSSESSION...or PUBLIC EXPOSURE...all they have EVER been ACCUSED of is RAPING women...therefore...ANYONE seeing a GHOST...is either in DENIAL about being RAPED...or is a 7 year old Paranormal Sexpert...and they don't call them GHOSTS at that age anyway...MOMMY always refers to those guys as 'UNCLE________'....I've provided the evidence...You fill in the blanks!!!

05/003/12

The Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods...

Presumably because it's so f**kin hot in Texas they hafta put your carcass in a cooler the minute you collapse to keep ya from stain'in up the sidewalk with a nice molten puddle of putrid flesh...I don't see how this was even possible...what was the name of the Funeral Home...or it's motto...Stouffer's Mortuary...you kill 'em...we chill 'em...or maybe it was...Dubya's Den of Death...I'll bore 'em...you store 'em...I just can't believe you could mistake the name of a company that deals with dead people...for a frozen food company...then again I guess it is possible to misunderstand the meaning of a name or a phrase...Disney on Ice...now has two seperate meanings...an escapades show on skates...and a dead body cryogenically frozen for the future...because...HEY...everyone wants to live forever...even when they're dead...but seriously...do you know how abysmally...and morbidly...stifling it is in Texas???  People die in that state when the power goes out for more than 15 minutes...normally in a stampede towards the open refrigerator door for some ghetto fabulous air-conditioning...I've been to Texas...in December...when it's a frigid 85 degrees at night...why do you think that great Charlie Daniels hit is titled...The Devil Went Down To Georgia...because it's too f**kin' HOT in Texas for even the devil to stick around...personally I'm probably les confused about this than I let on...it isn't hard to imagine how a mistake of this magnitude could be made...funeral homes in Texas don't use hearses to transport the dead from one location to another...why???  BECAUSE...it's TOO DAMN HOT...now sit up straight and pay attention...there could be a quiz on this come Friday...take notes...they don't use hearses to transport the dead because of the heat...drivng a hearse in West Texas heat with a decomposing body neatly tucked in the coffin keeper behind the driver's head...requires a vehicle equippped with...AIR CONDITIONING...every vehicle owner in the state rides around with the air-conditioning unit on...and there isn't a single one of them that wants to get out of their nice cool vehicle...for any reason...least of all to play pall bearer for a dearly departed friend or family member...(now believe me...I know most of you are thinkin'...WTF does that hafta do with a funeral home in Texas being listed under the Frozen Food business heading...settle down...lemme finish)...SO...in order to perform a funeral properly... you need the body...in it's casket...placed in the grave...preferably in a timely and professional manner...NOW believe it or NOT...the Journal of Scientific Bullshit has just recently published an article about...Relative Stupidity and How it Affects Humans...in which it basically describes how ignorance is contagious amongst inbred...political puppets and all the people they come in  contact with...it used the state of Texas as a case study for this experiment...and the results were quite shocking...were any of you aware that the average IQ of a person living in Texas...PTDA...(that's...Prior To Dubya's Arrival)...was considered 10-15% above the national average...all of these individuals...as well as their offspring...and the other people that move or visit there have suffered tragically in the area of IQ percentages...anybody living in the state...ATUAoD...(pronounced...AH-TOO-WAD...and standing for After The Untimely Arrival of Dipshit)...the median IQ of a Texas resident ATUAoD is...cucumber...that's right folks...those people down there are dumber than a dung beetle peekin' up an elephant's ass for a glimpse at the future...it's a domino effect...whoever comes in contact with BELB...(Big-Ear Little Brain)...instantly becomes dumber...the people they come in contact with become dumber...etc...etc...etc...it's because of the after effects of ATUAoD that Texas residents are easier to fool...and at a funeral you will hafta fool them into getting out of their nice cool as a cucmber vehicle to help you get the decaying flesh bag of a family member out of your damn car before it runs out of gas...the air-conditioning unit shuts off...and you end up passin' out from the raw sewage smell seepin out of the slumber chamberin the back of the wagon...so you can't show up in a hearse or they will know it's you...but if ya play you're cards right and show up at the gravesite...say between high noon...and 2pm...drivin' a big ass truck that looks like the Schwann's man got lost...those silly little pickle headed bastards will jump out of their cars and line up to buy ice cream...open the back doors and let them bear their pall to the point of internment...ya can't help it if one of them works at the publishing company that prints the Yellow Pages...it might NOT be their fault they have this condition...they coould've been born with the side effects of ATUAoD already present...old BELB has been screwin' up the state of Texas...longer than he ever shit on the rest of us...if ou are ever in or near Texas...some of the early warning signs associated with individuals succumbing to ATUAoD are...abnormal facial expressions in conjunction with ignorant comments NOBODY in their right mind would believe...the incessant urge to search for items of a specific nature in areas where they couldn't possibly exist...and last but NOT least the immediate ability to create multifantastical articulationaryisms that every poppy pickin'...Calcutta Call Service Center employee studies to learn good english...Allo...my name eez...Ahchthuwahd...that's AAHAWK THUH WAD...not to bee meestaken for ATUAoD...Ow may I jelp you???  You ever run across these 7/11 Sheik-a-Bob's...Oh Allo...Ow are ju. my friend...I gotta sneaky suspicion...'my friend'...has a whole different meaning over in cow worshippin' country...I've tried to translate it myself...in a number of different languages...Hindu...Sanskrit...Pakistani...you name it...and wouldn't ya know...the term...'my friend'...means the same damn thing in every one of those languages...loosely translated it means...queet makeeng fun of my cousin ju filthy infidel...it eesn't her fault that she leest Friar Feesh Fun(f)eral(l) Home under Frozen Food section...that or it means...'I'll schneeeek eento jor owse and sleeeeet jor throat smiley jack'...I haven't figured out quite which one...but regardless it means more...'F**k you and the frozen funeral food you flew in with'...then it does 'Hey let's have a beer and catch up for a minute...I'm on a five minute break before my next flight...gimme a double scotch...3 shots of tequila and a rum chaser'...keep in mind...ya hafta be some kinda maniacal genius with severe episodic outbursts of rage from momentary lapses in OCD procedures to come up with conspiracy theories  like this...that or it could be the onset of early Alzheimer's...my favorite mental disease...see I'm a card carrying medical marijuana patient...that means I already know what Alzheimer's is gonna be like...and you people are in for a BIG SURPIRSE...your mind will make up shit like this so fast our fingers can't keep up with the words sometimes...course for you folks it will be because of your age...for me it's because I NEVER took a typing class and can still punch out 500 words a day...typists will get that joke...others still don't know how we got here from frozen food and funeral homes...neither do I...Medical Marijuana patient...DING...DING...DING...I mean c'mon... haven't ya heard our advertisements...The Alzheimer's Association and the Medicinal Marijana Foundation are proud sponsors of...um...I forget!!!

05/02/12

Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water.  The human brain is 85% water...

Okay folks...for the 3rd day in a row I will attempt to address this little topic...apparently my brain went into hibernatic relapse while Momma was on vacation...GOOGLE...in the process decided to change all the functions and features on the backside of this program I am on right now...can't ever leave shit alone...water or no water...always gotta be changing shit around...Now I wanna know who the hell came up with this information...and more importantly...WTF have they been eating???  Look here's the thing...all creatures...big and small...come equipped with two seperate and distinct waste removal devices...some are located relatively close to each other and on drunken occassions might be understandably mistaken for one another depending on the angle of perspective...LMAO...while others are quite a distance apart from one another and can't possibly be mistaken for the other...one's an innie...one's an outie...regardless of which pair you came equipped with...they provide a necessary waste removal process that is imperative to your overall well being...one is for the expulsion of liquids...and the other is for the evacuation of SOLIDS...you know those things that contain very little water...remember those things...ya learned about them in histroy class ya dipshit...add a little f**kin meat to your diet...some tofu or somethin'...you're startin to think like a jackrabbit ya lettuce munchin herbivore...why do they call themselves vegans...or vegetarians...you're a roughage consumption container...defined by archaeologists and scientests as...HERBIVORES...get used to it...humans shit in water approximately 75% of the time...the other times can't be helped...and that's what socks are for...and sudden stops along major freeways in New England...but hey that's a topic for another day...this idiot has obviously NEVER been constipated enough to need a shoehorn to alleviate the situation...I dare say I coulda used a little additional help in the form of fluid to ease the process a time or two...course there are exceptions to every rule...and gall bladder surgery is one of them...or at least it was for the author of this response...yours truly...I have NEVER wanted a colostomy bag so bad in my entire life...I couldn't eat meals for quite some time without a direct unobsructed flight path to the porcelain poop chute throne...an extra pair of socks and a change of clothes also came in handy from time to time...and it is during moments like those that you experience the aftershocks of surgery that cause earth shattering explosions to unexpectedly erupt from the darkest caverns of caca...75% water is something you pray for on a daily basis...Please Lord...I've had alcoholic episodes with more consistency...give me strength...give me sustenance...oh hell...hand me my socks wouldja...lotta help you are there...All Seeing One...missed the call on that little adventure didn'tcha???  There are other exceptions to the rule but they normally involve momentary battles with undigestible Mexican or Oriental food...and normally last less than a day depending on how fast the cat, rat or dog moves through your particular system...on an average basis...and under the proper healthy diet...absent any abnormalities suffered as a result of emergency surgery...the water ratio of human defecation shouldn't be anywhere near 75%...otherwise you wouldn't need paper...you could just wiggle and shake like a dog and be done with it...apparently this poor bastard needs a little more caca in his cranial cavity to clear his thoughts and absorb some of that excess water...funny thing is...even if it were true...it would only serve to further my efforts of disspelling rumors about our government...by once and for all proving that Washington D.C. is the raw sewage center...for shitty ideas...in the good Ol' U.S. of A!!!