MERRY GO ROUND!!!

In the 19th Century, physicians highly recommended riding carousels to aid in circulating blood...

...and this my friends and faithful readers...is the #1 reason my ass stays as far away from hospitals as I possibly can...anybody ever been on a carousel???  Well even if ya haven't you've probably heard of 'G' force...that odd little theory that explains why people PASS out when they are flung around at extreme angles or circular motions...under 'G' force conditions...like those present on a CAROUSEL...blood circulation slows down...quite the OPPOSITE of the intended purpose...which is just about routine for these white cloaked clowns...ya wanna know how to stay healthy...stay the hell outta HOSPITALS...that's your best bet...the other problem with this is that you ride CAROUSELS for ENTERTAINMENT...if they had any medicinal value they would be MANDATORY in all hospitals and health centers...but they're NOT...I mean hell...you prescribe some alcohol...and you have a party...might need a couple of barf bags for the medically maligned...other than that though ya should be fine...I tell ya...the same problems exist within the medical field to this very day...take a look at the prescriptions they have hand out...or better yet...the OTC medicines they allow to fill the shelves of the local pharmacy...these drugs PROMOTE future HEALTH problems...even if they CURE a current malady...fella's...if ya can't get it up...there's VIAGRA...CIALIS...and a handful of others...they'll give ya that little extra penis power...but the laundry list of side effects include...dizziness...rapid heart rate...temporary blindness...upper respiratory complications...and extended periods of penis plumpness...the advertisement actually says...if you experience an erection for more than four hours...seek a physician...yeah...NOT gonna happen...if I have a four hour hard-on...Imma contact a Hollywood 'B' movie manager and make some damn MONEY...I swear...when ya hear the list of possible side effects that can accompany a probable cure...such as described above...kinda makes ya wanna come up with your own game plan...maybe a couple popsicle sticks and duct tape would be a better choice...splint that little semen spitter into position and have a party...might be a few side effects when ya remove the splint...depending on how tight ya wrap the tape...but NOTHIN' that might kill ya...and it's the same for every one of these medical wonder cures...got acid reflux disease... (heartburn in other words)...we can cure that...take this little pill...NO more heartburn...however...kidney failure...liver disease...strokes...temporary blindness...and other stomach complications are a few of the things we have to offer in exchange...here's a novel little idea...how about you change your DAMN diet...apparently the shit you're shovin' down your gullet doesn't agree with you...good lord...I'm just wonderin' how long it's gonna be before the end all be all miracle drug is gonna come out...the one that cures all of your ills by makin' ya lose your innards through your asshole...a complete colostomy flush of the complicating features in the human body...I swear the only time I go to a hospital is when I'm pretty sure I'm already on the verge of death...because by that time it really doesn't matter...they are either gonna operate and remove the shit that doesn't work anymore...or Imma kick the bucket anyway...maybe the mutton heads in the medical field should take NOTE from their past colleagues and STOP prescribin sh*t that doesn't work...I mean DAMN...there are common cures for half these diseases...for instance...if you can't sport a woody because of erectile dysfunction...pick a DIFFERENT partner...apparently the smarter half of you doesn't want to go spelunking in the space you have targeted for cave exploration...ya don't need pills for the penis...ya need somethin' PRETTIER...same goes for women...if you're suffering from dry dock down below...perhaps you need to find a new PILOT for penetration procedures...somethin' that makes ya slippery when wet...maybe it isn't the size of the boat that matters...but if ya don't berth it in water it isn't EVER gonna float...have a fabulous work week!!!

HEY DUMBASS...YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG!!!

The Buddhist priest and mystic, Kukai, is believed by his followers to have become a 'Buddha in his own body' by mummifying himself while still alive...

Oh those wacky Buddhist bobbleheads...what with their mysticism...and supposed worldly knowledge...apparently NEVER heard of the Egyptian race...remember those guys...pyramid perfecting mummy masters from the land by the Nile...funny thing...those little desert dwellin' sun worshipping whipper snappers embalmed bodies when they were DEAD...because here's the thing...mummifying a body consists of several different steps...all performed to prepare the DECEASED for entrance into the AFTERlife...NOT one single mummification procedure can be ACCOMPLISHED while you are alive...unless of course you consider wrappin' yourself in strips of towel a step of mummification...in which case...wouldn't all Buddhist priests be 'Buddha's in their own bodies'...talk about kickin' their ass with their own philosophy...think I just summed that all up rather quickly...sometimes I amaze myself in how easy things are to perceive from a different perspective...what kinda retarded...bald...preacher of the fat bastard...hasn't taken the time to educate themselves about the proper steps of preparing to walk with Buddha in the Great Beyond...or whatever their name is for it...I mean seriously...was he fat and stiff when he got done...unable to breathe and plated in bronze...droopy ass earlobes and bitch tits...cause otherwise he failed...apparently Buddhist monks should stick to what they know...MEDITATION...which is kinda like MEDICATION...without the side effects...sure it makes ya worship fat guys that shaved their heads bald...while wandering aimlessly around the world wondering what the hell just happened...small price to pay for peace of mind...must be really difficult to meditate all those worries away when you won't even step on a grasshopper...what I wanna know is who actually saw this Kukai...Fran...and Ollie character get mummified...these guys are supposed to be sittin around Indian style with their eyes closed...it would appear as those we are in need of a Siddartha Stalker if we are to believe the great Kukai Guy created a Buddha in his own body...if NOBODY saw it...I think Imma hafta call Buddha shit on that one...there are things that are possible through Meditation...I have NO doubt...seent it on the TV box...I seent it...but self mummification is NOT one of them...self mutilation YES...self mummification...NOT so much...it involves opening the body cavity and removing certain organs...sewing up the body cavity...he placement of the heart scabbard and the wrappin of the body in parchment and paste...if the first two things...openin' and closin' the body cavity...don't kill ya...the parchment and paste cloggin your nostrils and mouth should do the trick... a Buddha in his own body...right...and I'm skinny ELVIS...got this way by limiting my drug intake to marijuana and munchies...didn't hafta wrap my ass in mummy material either...course at my age it doesn't matter...missed out on all the hot chicks and hip shakes...I'll tell ya what...Idk about you folks...but I for one am damn glad it's the weekend...Buddhist priests and mummified mystics...can't wait to see what we have in store for Monday!!!  Have a great weekend!!!

A CHRISTMAS CAROL IN SEPTEMBER!!!

The name "Tiny Tim" was chosen only after 'Little Larry,' 'Puny Pete,' & 'Small Sam,' were discarded...

...and there ya have it folks...the politically correct term for merry little knee cappin' midgets is 'TINY'...no 'Mini Mikey's' in this bunch...like any word used to describe dwarfism isn't going to be politically incorrect...including 'Tiny'...you can call them whatever you want tho really...and remain fairly confident of 'little' retribution...unless of course our name is Gulliver...in which case...as they say in Liliputia...you be f**ked...and here's why you shouldn't word about which word you call them by...they can't run...well not that fast anyway...obviously...if you're poking fun at their potential for achieving a similar altitude...chances are you can run faster...otherwise you wouldn't be enjoying the moment...I feel bad for short people...I really do...they go through a lot...they are seldom taken seriously and have to constantly battle for acceptance among the general population...but hey...who doesn't like to take in a nice midget mud-rasslin' match on a mundane Monday night from time to time...I know I sure would if it was available...hey what better way to show your support for the short...than by spendin' a 'little' money on a pittance of a past time..I'm actually thankful for the little bastards...if ti wasn't for them we probably wouldn't have shot glasses...which were actually invented to serve as a suitable substitute for a regular tumbler...and then where would we be...left at the mercy of the bartender...and as some in my family are all too aware of...that is a bad place to be...depending on said bartender's potential for mixing potent potions...I mean if we didn't have shot glasses we'd have a higher rate of alcoholism because people wouldn't be regulated in how much liquor was use in the recipe for the drink being ordered...so there are many of you who should thank your lucky stars these pigmies even exist...these little people are a blast to pal around with too...not that I know first hand...but I would hafta think that anyone with a penchant for dating dwarfs would find them very cheap dates...one stiff drink and you might find yourself getting a numby from something no taller than a night stand...Little Lolita might turn out to be the best thing at the bar come 2:00am...there's no tellin what kinda kinky shit these short bred bed bugs are into...you might find yourself in the middle of some mind blowin' midget rodeo sexcapade...ya really never know what you're in for when ya go out partyin' with the puddle swimmin' pedestrians...cute compact curbhoppers that they are...they have some of the loftiest attitudes and egos...short little Shetland pony samurais...you really shouldn't poke fun at the pygmy peoples of the planet...if you are incapacitate and cannot easily run circles around them while placing a hand on their forehead...otherwise the enjoyment factor will be drastically reduced...I love these little guys...I know it's hard to tell by the tiny terminology I have used to depict these tempest like tantrum throwing trolls...but I really do...they remind me of what each of us wishes we could do with large land mammals we would like to keep as pets...it's nature's way of telling us it is possible to shrink other animal life for our pleasure and entertainment...we just hafta figure out which genes to modify...stem cell research anyone...it's not like we haven't done it already...there are several versions of miniature domestic pet species...modified in a mammal mutating manufacturing farm somewhere...but seriously...do you have any idea how fun it is having half pints for party pals...they are extremely cost effective to buy for...Toy's 'R Us has some great ideas for new houses and vehicles...and Toddler clothing isn't that expensive either...so before you go talkin' bad about Thumbelina...ya might wanna tip your tumbler in a toast to "TINY TIM'!!!

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!!!

20252 is Smokey the Bear's own zipcode...

You're jokin' right...I mean it's bad enough the fat man has his own postal address for kids who are lied to about Christmas...now we gotta have a zip code for a fake fire preventing bear...seriously...I think somebody blew it on that one...isn't the normal protocol for fire prevention to CALL the fire department by punchin' 911 on the phone pad...I could be wrong...it has happened on occasion...I know...I know...I still find it hard to swallow myself...but it does happen from time to time...anyway...as I was sayin'...before I so brutally interrupted myself...I could be wrong here...but doesn't it seem remotely possible that if you send SMOKEY a postcard about a possible brush fire at the Ponderosa...that by the time he gets it and replies...the forest will be a little less green...and a helluvalot more ASHY...I mean I know here in the little town I live in the Fire Department is seen as a joke...previously located on Main Street in a town with maybe 30 roads...total...they let a house across the street burn to the ground before they could get to it...needless to say if a phone call didn't work...a zip code is gonna be of NO use at all...thankfully for the Fire Department in this town...they relocated just outside the 'city' limits...I guess it's easier to justify NOT putting afire out if you have an extra block or two to travel...I just don't get it...what did they think...that old SMOKEY might have time to write back???  Obviously if he is opposed to BURNING down trees...he is equally opposed to their use as paper producing products of nature...it's 2012...how about you get SMOKEY his own web site...or IP address if he is feelin' lonely...have him set up a Facebook Page and a Twitter account...what the hell is wrong with these people...NOBODY uses the post office anymore except to send out junk mail that NOBODY else wants...99% of my mail goes right in the recycle bin without so much as an opening...I mean seriously...sendin' SMOKEY a snail mail seems a little ruh-tarded if ya ask me...regardless of what Century it is...send smoke signals...I mean really...who sees a forest fire and stops long enough to write the brush fire fightin' bear a little snippet about the searing heat and the suffering animals...this is part of what's wrong with our entire infrastructure here in America...backwards ass ways of coming up with solutions to simple problems...sendin' SMOKEY a short note in the hopes he will arrive in time to put it out...is like voting in the upcoming election for the candidate you think lies the best on TV about correcting America's NEVER ENDING problems...only to realize 4 years later that the last two decades were so f**ked there is NO way to fix it with more laws...bills...and bullshit...our country's comment box is similar to SMOKE'S mailbox...littered with literature that NOBODY will EVER pay attention to...I think we need to revamp the system...from the ground up...I know the majority of us have gone through a hiring process or two in our lifetimes...REMEMBER how many times you got hired after an interview...where the employer welcomes you to the team...on a 90 day TRIAL PERIOD...if everything goes well you'll be treated a little less like a f**ktard and a little more like a human...why haven't we demanded that from our politicians...seems fair to me...you get 3 months after taking office to get SMOKEY and all your fake little forest friends up to speed...cell phones...tablets...tools of technology...if you fall on your face...OUT ya go...don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya...and NO second chances...if you fail the first go around...either during the initial election process or during the 90 day trial period...that IS IT...on the application where the employer...(US)...asks if you have EVER applied for a position with this country before...if your answer is YES...done...run that shitty little application through the shredder and move on...and I think we need to get rid of the added expense of a Presidential Posse...(Secret Service...because that's all they really are)...if you apply for the position of President...you go in knowing what the possibilities are...do your JOB and NOBODY will bother you...F**k around and people are gonna wanna see you drawn and quartered...it's NO different than any other position that people are passionate about...you're a public figure...quit wastin' money creating zip codes for things that DON'T EXIST...do yourself a favor if you happen upon a forest fire...turn around and RUN!!!

THE TRUTH!!!

Okay folks...I didn't have an enormous amount of time to do the regular tidbit for today...so what we are gonna do is something a little different...just for today...I'm sick and I really don't have my wits about me...what I did find is some very interesting sh*t about the whole global warming epidemic the government wants you to believe we are facing from MAN MADE green house gases...their method of attempting to control the weather has not only enhanced the whole global warming agenda...it makes one pause and wonder if all of these NATURAL DISASTERS...such as TSUNAMI'S and TORNADOES aren't a by product of f**kin with the planet's atmosphere...I have listed a link below...you may hafta copy and paste it into your browser if you cannot click on it...but it is well worth the watch...I should be back in full form tomorrow...have a HAPPY tUESDAY!!!

http://youtu.be/xx-STEA-Vqo?hd=1 

ANTI-TRIBAL TRIBULATIONS!!!

Eskimos never gamble...

WELCOME BACK!!!  I find this little idiom of information simply iglooistic...I am curious though...because if this is true...I wonder what happened between the Bering Strait and the Continental United States...because if memory about human migratory patterns in the early years...then the Eskimos were the front runners for the Native American Indian...and those people gamble on everything...have been for Centuries...they gambled and lost with the Pilgrims...who pushed them back off the East Coast...they gambled and lost with the United States Army...(Custer aside)...they gambled and lost with several cowboys...now they no longer gamble...they just build casinos and take all of your hard earned money...tax free...ya know why Eskimos don't gamble...because NOBODY would vacation at an Ice Casino...it's too damn cold...you'd have pantless old grannies fallin' off their slot machine stools and freezin to the floor...it would be a public relations disaster...who wants to go stumble over a buncha former blue haired...bingo bumpkins...kinda hard to find a target audience for that little advertising campaign don'tcha think... besides what are you gonna gamble with...ice chips...whale flubber...and baby seal pelts...this little tidbit is actually very very misleading...it's missing some very important information...it is an unfinished thought process...what it should say is...Eskimos never gamble...with money...because here's the thing...when you live in an area that 99.999999% of the world's population wouldn't even consider getting lost in...and you have to hunt and fish things from the ocean in little wooden outrigger canoes...during the specific seasons of the year when under ice...aquatic delicacies...become available...you're ass is gamblin' with a helluvalot more than money...each and every day you survive...you gamble every time you fall asleep...cuz who knows when that little ice hut is gonna melt along with all the other glaciers and shit during this whole global warming incident...I mean seriously these people gamble more on a daily basis then most people do in a lifetime...they don't live in the land of the internet...some of their relatives might but true Eskimos still send mail the old fashioned way...unsuccessfully...because NOBODY wants that job either...I can't even imagine waking up every damn morning and knowing it wasn't gonna get any warmer...just somewhat brighter from time to time when the sun pokes through...and a lot of these Eskimo people gamble by traveling to and from their distant villages to mainstream America...watch Alaska State Troopers every once in awhile...there are several 'dry' villages in the upper reaches of Alaska where alcohol is illegal...possession of it gets you a mandatory 30 day jail sentence...and thousands of dollars in fines...the black market for alcohol makes several of them gamble with trying to bring alcohol back to the village...a $15.00 bottle of booze fetches between $350. and $450 a bottle...that's a risk some of them feel is worth taking...one successful trip with a loaded duffle bag can net almost $30,000.00...(yeah...me too...been thinkin' about bootleggin' through Alaska for a couple months now...thanks to DirectTV I've gathered enough research material to know not to try and fly into these villages...and since they cannot be driven to by vehicle...one must use a sled...dogsled...four wheeler or hitch a ride with Pat & Ben...pat your feet and ben you knees...but for that kinda money...I'm thinkin' I'll drag a few duffle bags up there ans find a place to hang out for the night...I'll be the Bill Gates of the Bering Strait...hell Milk alone sells for $13 a gallon...think I'd find a way to raise a few cows...I'm tellin' ya folks...there isn't a bigger buncha gamblin' sonsabitches livin' on frozen seas...they may not pull a lever or check a bet...but when your closest neighbor is a Polar Bear...you can bet your ass there's a gamble being played!!!

AIR BIZKITS!!!

Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second...

I'll give somebody $10 if they can identify the target word of the tidbit above...the word that should reach out and smack ya slap dab in the middle of the face is...CLOCKED...having some insight into how speeds are calculated for different objects...it is impossible to CLOCK the speed of a fart...in order to CLOCK the speed of an object in travel you need one of two things...an ODOMETER or a TACHOMETER and relative knowledge of how many RPM's should register on the dial in conjunction with which gear you are in in order to attain the desired speed...if you are outside of the vehicle you need a RADAR unit properly calibrated and pointing in the correct position...radio waves are emitted which bounce off of the solid surface of the object...METAL in most cases...which, unless you have a high level of iron in your blood, is absent from a FART...for wind borne objects...such as a FART...an entirely different calculation is required that doesn't involve CLOCKING the event in order to calculate a relative SPEED...that being said...I also have personal knowledge of evacuation speeds for humans trapped in an enclosed area who might be suffering from AAA...(Acrid Anal Aroma)...I've actually witnessed this first hand...and lemme tell you...there is NO funnier event in human history than watching the eyes water of those around you when you float an air bizkit without warning...if ya catch the right kinda person while they are in full yawn...ya might even create a gag reflex that is reminiscent of the EXORCIST...hell even if this little tidbit were true...it leaves so much information a mystery...such as the relative escape speed of the people in the immediate area...If the fart travels at ten feet per second...then people must be capable of Mercury...Messenger of the gods...like speed...because I've seen them bounce off walls in confusion trying to get away from unfabulous flatulence...I've seen Mother's abandon their babies and flee for their own safety...I've seen grown men cower in the corner in a fetal position...holdin' their breath until their face turns blue and their eyeballs attempt to leave their sockets...and that was when it wasn't me tossin' the low flyin' turd tater...I hate to point fingers at myself...but there isn't a single member of my Family...immediate or extended...that couldn't walk bare naked through a field full of mustard gas and come out unscathed...those poor people suffered plenty when they lived under the same roof or were unfortunate enough to be in the same room or vehicle...I mean you know it's bad when you're sittin out to sea on your surfboard in the middle of a hurricane and the guy halfway down the beach decides to stick his head underwater...or when ya go and visit a family members house...sit down in their favorite chair and let one rip...that just seems to soak into the fabric...it's even worse when ya go back three years later and every time an ass hits the seat of that chair a rancid reminder encircles your head...have one of them tell ya the Smithsonian/Hope Diamond story...I hafta be the only person on this planet that has completely cleared out a room of the Smithsonian...where the Hope Diamond was currently on display...and when I say completely...I mean everyone and everything...they donned gas masks and removed the jewels it was so bad...only the few...the daring and the brave entered that room the rest of the day...and that was just a TEASPOON fart...those people floodin' past Momma at the door like they were runnin' from HIROSHIMA...that particular little wayward wind traveled at a speed so amazing...it had tachyons tremblin' over losing their claim to fame as being the fastest thing known to man...it completely encompassed and clouded at least 2700 cubic feet in just over a second...those aren't even the best ones either...the best ones are when they make people's faces get that distant look...as if they're waiting on something...ya know...that look men get on their faces when somebody lightly bats the boys just right...that expression just after the event...where they stand there lookin' like they're NOT sure just how bad this one might hurt...that look...and then it morphs into that magical nose crinklin...face scrunchin' expression of pure pain...they wriggle their noses around like that's gonna get rid of the smell...but by hen it's TOO late...they've already taken that FATAL second gasp of the AAAA...(Amplified Acrid Anal Aroma)...and it has completely coated the mucous membranes of their nasal passages with the putrid pants puffer...they gag...spit...hack...to NO avail...once that hits the back of your throat...it's all over...you can walk outta one of those events thinkin ya just ate sh*t off a stick...I don't wanna brag or anything...but I'd be willin' to bet that given the right circumstances...I could get more crippled people to walk than the best televangelist...ya wanna see people walk on water...trap me in a boat with them...they'll hit shore carryin' loaves and fishes just to get away from that aquatic area of anal escapations...let's put it this way...if this little tidbit is true...I'll give ya a five second head start...we'll see who's faster!!!

DOS CHICAS POR FAVOR

Chica, a corn based beer is produced by allowing Amylotytic Enzymes in the human saliva to break down starches into fermentable sugars...

That's just terrific...so what you're tellin' me is that there are those among us that gulp down large quantities of corn flavored loogie lager...mmm...mmm...good...wonder why isn't available here in the United States...Oh I know...because we don't spit our saliva covered corn back into beer bottles...you Dumbass siesta takin f**tards...sweet jesus...what the hell is wrong with you people...ya wanna swap spit take a lesson from the French...at least they perfected the fine art of saliva sampling..and how did corn come into the picture...it isn't like countries that use the term 'CHICA' are famous for their corn and hominy...lettuce and burros maybe but I'd hate ta think what they might do with that...nasty bastahds...I mean come on...who buys this stuff...it comes outta the mouths of toothless tutu-wahines...which is Hawaiian for grandmothers...mountain apple faced, burrito packin', burro ridin' old fuddy duddies...I don't get it...these people perfected TEQUILA from Cactus Juice...and yet the beer comes from corn chompin' mouth mush...what's next...I mean if the warnings about the AGUA south of the border weren't enough...NOW ya gotta worry about what kinda diseased rotten gummed granny had your beer in their mouth first...if that isn't a posterchild for Abstinence IDK WTF is...yeah...maybe I'm gettin' the overall process confused...I guess it is possible for the corn to be kept in a vat while a buncha taco tastin' Troubadors sat around snackin' on salsa and spittin' into the pit...but it really doesn't matter...if I wanted to taste what you had for breakfast, lunch or dinner I'd order it off the damn menu myself...ya silly assed sombrero slingin' liege of the lowrider clan...ya know Swamp Ass is created by allowing the crack of your ass to get overly moist during days when the humidity spikes and personal perspiration plummets to the nether regions of your nasty crack...but ya don't see anyone bottlin' it up as a beer like beverage do ya???  NO...because NOBODY would buy it...I can't imagine what the alcoholic hot mess that wraps their mouths around these bottles looks like...probably scare the fine print off of bathrooms walls if I had to take a wild stab in the dark...which probably wouldn't be a good idea considering the circumstances...a wild stab in the dark might just net ya one of these little hair in curlers hot mama's of the hacienda de la whora...and they can be worse than the clap...damn ass grabbin' cling-ons...can't shake 'em off with a stick even if they are painted up all nice and pretty like a pinata...which is good enough reason for me NOT to plan any vacations in the area immediately below California and beside Texas...I'm tellin' ya...hacked up hominy hooch and five hundred pound Feliciana do NOT make for a nice morning after...NOT that I have any personal experience in the area...just tryin' to look out for a brotha if need be...because that's how we roll...friends don't let friends f**k fat women...regardless of how many can o' corn cocktails they've had...think I'm jokin'...the last thing ya wanna do is go to pick your boy up after a hard night of drinkin' only to see feet and a snorkel stickin' outta old some old sausalito Sasquatch lookin' thing...good lord the scars and emotional trauma can last for years...it's like catchin' your grandparents in the act...ya just wanna puke through your nose when ya see the teeth in glasses...kinda the same thing when ya catch unsober Sam the scuba enthusiast with Crevacious Carlita from Catalin...ya shut your eyes so tight ya can almost feel 'em pop out your ass cavity when ya startin' tossin' tacos through the nasal passages...I'd rather eat habanjeros and wipe my ass with razor blades than to take a chance on Amylotytic Alcohol from Acapulco...I don't care what flavor it is...my personal recommendation...If ya don't wanna end up tossin' tostados into a toilet at Taco Bell...DON'T CHUG THE CHICA!!!

THAT'S TITANIC!!!

The average iceberg weighs 20,000,000 tons...

...and here we go again...first of all this tidbit depends on your definition of two key elements...what constitutes average...and what defines an iceberg...I have a whole tray of home made icebergs...all of them average...and none of them over an ounce...probably much less...20 million ton...average icebergs...you DUMBASS...those are miniature breakaway GLACIERS...I watch a couple million tons of the History Channel...Discovery...National Geographic Channel...millions of minutes spent gazing at the programs they offer...like FROZEN PLANET...which deals with quirky little things like...ICEBERGS...and guess what???  There doesn't seem to be a good base for establishing an 'AVERAGE' size with relation to these things...they tend to shear off the leading lip of GLACIERS...in all sizes...the really...reaLLY...REALLY big boulders of ice that fall off into the ocean...usually create an enormous amount of smaller chunks of ice...which must also be classified as ICEBERGS since the come from the same field of ice...being that there are hundreds or even thousands of these smaller ones leads the logical learners among us to believe that the AVERAGE iceberg weighs some where closer to a couple hundreds pounds...not a few 8 digit millions...I mean think about it...I live closer to one of the Great Lakes than most of you do...the little Lake I can see from my front door drains into Lake Michigan...which as anyone with the common sense of a cartographer can tell you is linked to Lake Huron...which in conjunction with other Great Lakes and river systems connects to the Atlantic Ocean through the St. Lawrence Waterway...which reaches up towards the NORTH...where icebergs are commonly found...if there were enough enormous icebergs to calculate and AVERAGE of 20,000,000 tons...our water levels would rise to heights our mountain ranges would be the only thing pokin' above sea level like a buncha little islands...a 20,000,000 ton iceberg has 40,000,000,000 pounds of ice...or frozen water...one gallon of water weighs 8.345lbs...so for each and every 20,000,000 ton iceberg...that does what when it breaks off and slides into the ocean...it melts...using the numbers given above...each of these massive units of frozen water would then produce 4,793,289,395 gallons of water...that's right...almost 5 BILLION gallons of water...per iceberg...which wouldn't bode so well for you...me...and those with their feet planted firmly on the ground...it would however be a huge advantage to the floaties in the gene pool who bitch about global warming like they were here the last time the Earth went through this process...a couple million years ago...the other important equation in this farce is that a 20,000,000 ton iceberg...which converts to 40,000,000,000 lbs would need to displace 625,000,000 cubic feet of water in order to float...considering that in order to find a TRUE average for icebergs there would hafta be more of them than bergs of smaller or larger size...so if we had let's say 100 icebergs currently loose and roaming the oceans of the world 50 of them would hafta weigh 20,000,000 tons...25 would be significantly LARGER displacing even more cubic feet of water than their AVERAGE counterparts...and 25 would hafta be significantly smaller...but with the AVERAGE number of 50 we can then multiply 625,000,000 cubic feet by 50 icebergs of AVERAGE weight and we can see that there would be 31,250,000,000 cubic feet of water displacement...31 billion cubic feet of water displacement...that might not seem like a lot considering the vast area of Earth that is covered by water...however it would be way more than enough...when taken into consideration with the other 25 BIGGER bergs and the other 25 SMALLER bergs that also displace water and melt...to refill the small feeder lake I have in my little town...which seems to be creating new lake front property by leaps and bounds...and we haven't even discussed the dynamics of weighing such an object accurately...which would take an enormous crane with a tripled counterweight just to budge it from the water and place it on a scale...where did this moron come up with this AVERAGE weight scale for ICEBERGS...obviously ya can weigh the damn things...it's NOT like they are carved off of glaciers in neat little packages...each and every one of them takes on a new shape...taking dimensions and formulating new equations to come up with half ass answers is the dumbest damn thing people on this planet do...you have no idea what the density of the object is by taking simple measurements of the exterior...the middle could be completely empty or have pockets of emptiness that would GREATLY affect the outcome of the weight...they could also contain the remains of several earlier life forms...boulders...rocks...dirt...all the shit that falls onto and into glaciers over the course of time...that's the problem with a majority of information of this nature...it is hypothesized and placed into existence without any forethought...I mean ya don't need a college education to be able to GUESS at somethin...hell I can do that all by myself...do it almost every time I visit Wal-mart...OMG ...didja see that 400lb BESSIE over there break wind in the bed and bath section...there's towels al the way over in the grocery aisles...I mean damn...I don't even hafta do all of the calculations I did for ICEBERGS to know that this lady's girth is gonna drown her children in the living room if she plops down in the bathtub at the far end of the house...it's called PHYSICS...and so far it can't be proven to provide false information...go home...fill a cup half full of water...then take 50 ice cubes and try and shove them in the cup...one of two things is gonna happen...either the water will spill over the edge of the cup...or the cup itself will fall apart and the water and cubes will tumble all over the floor...yeah...it's on a smaller scale than the oceans...but the concept is the same...hell if ya take just one ice cube and drop it from a high enough height you're gonna end up with more water outside the boundaries of the cup than you are inside it...how about we start usin' a little common sense when we put information out there for the gullible...somethin' like...The AVERAGE iceberg is so f**kin' big it can sink things like the TITANIC...that's all I need to know...big chunks of ice...and boats...don't mix...I don't need to know how much each object weighs on AVERAGE...I just need to know how to AVOID them if I am the Captain of an oceanliner!!!

YAY NIGHT!!!

The average person is about a quarter inch taller at night...

This is terrific news...for AVERAGE people...sucks for midgets...dwarfs...hobbits and giants...but the rest of you should have a better than NORMAL chance at being a walk-on for your favorite NBA team...how do ya figure ya GROW a quarter inch at night...most people...NOT average ones...but MOST people in general rest and relax during the evening hours...which means what class???  Which means they slouch and slump rather than stand and sit erect...definitely NOT conducive to achieving higher altitudes of humanity...AVERAGE people are about a quarter inch taller at night if they are A) Female and wearing heels a quarter inch taller than their NORMAL height...B)  A transvestite cross dresser who has stolen their mother's shoes...or C) are standing on a small ass soap box spouting off about their new growth spurt...AVERAGE people grow while they sleep during the GROWING years...however once your ass reaches a certain age GRAVITY rears it's ugly head and plays tricks on the aging body...things begin to sag from all spaces and places...faces droop...flabby arms poke out from flowered shirts...CANKLES become more apparent...(those are ankles that look like soup cans...ya can't see the bone structure...it's like their legs just fit into their shoes and bend at awkward angles below the lip of the shoe)...tuck-em in titties start fallin outta there puddle of flesh protectors...guys hafta wear longer shorts to keep from draggin their marbles across the macadam...NONE of these things invigorate the mind to think that things are growing in the upwardly direction...hell there are old ladies who trip over their shoelaces when their nipples get caught in the threads...I mean seriously...take a look around at the older generation...which hafta be included in the equation just to establish a medium range for average...most of these old fogies and their female counterparts have started to take on the distinct shape of a candy cane...all drooped and hunched over...most of them are decidedly shorter by more than a quarter inch...day or night...I mean this is fabulous news for little kids all over the world...they can get into carnival rides a whole year early just by showin' up at night...unless of course the carnies are aware of this trickery of the tiniest among us...does it really matter if it even works or not...it's NIGHT...you're either asleep an unaware of it...or kicked back and couldn't care...it's NOT like everybody is runnin home after work to getta jump on the quarter inch height advantage...and who is doin' the measurin' of all these munchkins anyway...because let's be honest...most AVERAGE people couldn't find a quarter inch mark on a tape measure...unless they use one every day...if it was a man that conducted this study I feel for the family...coulda made him a carpenter and sent him out in the world to preach to the masses...kinda missed the nail on that one didn'tcha there Pontius of the pipsqueaks...if it was a woman...well then I can see where the problem lies...with the husband or the boyfriend...and as sorry as I am to hafta tell ya this...I figure ya should hear it from the horse's mouth...if your hubby or boyfriend says they grew by a quarter inch...chances are it was closer to a sixteenth...and that isn't 8 inches either...it's three quarters of an inch on a good day when the weather isn't cold...it has nothin to do with what time of day it is...if you wanna grow by a quarter inch...get your ass on one of those medieval torture chamber stretchers and we'll getcha hooked right up...because here's the thing...humans...like all other animals...grow when they are young...once they reach their MAXIMUM height capability...they tend to travel in the opposite direction and get SHORTER...not TALLER...ya wanna know how ya get higher at night...smoke pot...wear shoes with thicker soles...and remove your head from your ASS..if NOTHING else it will elude to the fact that you are TALLER!!!

SNOT IN THE WIND!!!

In Alabama it is illegal to flick boogers into the wind...

...well that's just great if ya have an allergy to modified mucous that comes in the form of chunky little nasal nuggets...I don't get it...ya can't flick boogers into the wind...but there doesn't seem to be any laws against inbreeding...seems to me if ya quit sleepin' with your sister...your kids will quit growin' up as little wannabe booger baggers...I mean seriously...we're talkin' about Alabama here...that little piece of land in the lower Southeast corner of the country...where everybody's childhood dream is to get interviewed by the Weather Channel for 15 minutes of fame after the last ternader came passin' through and took your best friend Bubba's brand new bass boat and parked right over there in Tiny Tim's brand spankin' new '50's model mobile home...hey leave little Timmy alone...it may not be new to you...but his pappy passed away last week in a gator rasslin' accident down in Florida...so it's new to him...I swear...who wants to live in a state where ya can sleep with your female relatives...individually or collectively...cuz really it doesn't matter...if you're straightening out the limbs of our family tree...body count doesn't play into the equation...where ya can dress in a white sheet for supper...and coon huntin has nuthin' to do with treein' small furry animals...that state is so backwards assed they don't even NEED prison's to promote cornholin' catastrophes...can't flick boogers into the wind...but ya can make up stories about alien abductions and how your wife Wilma got sodomized by some unearthly grey ghost...showed up the next mornin' with her hair curlers all willy nilly...kinda makes ya wanna just scream...HEY DIPSHIT...SHE DIDN'T GET ABDUCTED BY ALIENS...SHE'S YOUR SISTER...DAD CALLED HER HOME SO HE COULD GET SOME STRANGE...f**kin' idiots...those people are so inbred they make retarded people look like offspring from Einstein...IDK if any of the rest of ya have ever had the displeasure of living in or visiting this shit hole of the South...I have...and there are only TWO good things that ever came outta that state...ME & MY FAMILY...when we finally got orders for a new location...good lord...we hadda a joke about the folks down there...YA KNOW HOW TO CASTRATE LITTLE JOHNNY???  KICK HIS SISTER IN THE CHIN...when these booger baggin' morons go to Wal-Mart for Family Photo Day...their pictures turn out lookin like Mom...Dad....and a buncha mimi-me's...they all look the same...it's almost like they found the fountain of youth...recreating the Hills Have Eyes kids all over the hillsides...cross eyed little goonie goo goo hobgoblins...ya know why they outlawed booger flickin' in the wind...it disrupts pissin in the wind...which often doubles as Family Fun time in the shower...seriously tho...ya know why they outlawed this little past time for the fine people of Alabama...because ya can't try and save your trailer durin' a ternader if ya got your digits dug up your nasal passages...NOT too mention it doesn't look good on camera when the news crews show up...everybody standin around what usedta be the travel trailer park they lived in...flickin' boogies at the bums that normally serve as their brothers durin the days when nature doesn't rear it's ugly head and send them scurryin' for cover in the back half of the camper right next to the crapper...it seems a little ridiculous to me...this little nose nugget tossin' tradition has been found to be naughty...how far can ya flick a booger on a calm day...from your fingernail to the front of your shirt...it's NOT like ya dig these little treasures out with flights already installed like darts...and for the most part...they don't tend to be of the DRYNESS one would need to accomplish any success with a flickin' motion...so it would only stand to reason that if ya tried it in the wind ya might get lucky enough to land one of these miniature mucous marbles all the way down to your foot...no harm no foul...whaddaya gotta outlaw it for...because as usual most of ya missed the fine print of the language used to furnish this little fiasco of the pick and flick laws of the great state of ALLLABAMA...it is illegal to flick boogers INTO the wind...because then you wear them on your face...if you flick them WITH the wind ya stand a better chance of allowing someone else the pleasure of wearing your nasal painting on their face...yeah I know...ya shouldn't need the simple things pointed out to ya...but that's a necessity in some states...especially the further south ya go...idk if it's somethin' in the water...or if they really have an alien abduction epidemic...but if I were you I'd try and keep as far away from the Ozarks as possible...you may get poked...prodded...or picked and flicked!!!

YEAH...AND???

Aspirin has never been approved or rejected by the FDA...

YEAH...AND???  Does this surprise anyone???  It shouldn't...I grew up watchin' commercials depicting Bayer aspirin as actually being healthy...that's right HEALTHY...in small doses such as in a tablet per day for old people...(I'll wait...get your little pill purse out and pop your does of aspirin...and don't waste time lookin' around for who I'm talkin' to...if your ass is readin' this chances are your close to my age...or death as the younger generations are so found to point out...I'm waiting...)...alright now where were we...oh yeah...aspirin...Bayer in particular...bein' good for you...because it does what class???  It thins the blood...oh hush I give you guys chances to answer all the time...NEVER see any hand raisers...maybe we should do this by Skype so I can field questions when I ask them...see who is really payin' attention...because I know how hard it can be to try and follow along the warped wisdom of T.O.W.S.W...(which stands for...anyone...anyone...The One Who Smokes Weed)...do try and keep up...anyway...as I was...(what??? Need a moment to let that all sink in...all better now???  Can we proceed???)...as I was sayin'...see ya made me lose my train of thought...DAMN IT ANYWAY...Bayer...aspirin...good for you...because it thins the blood...which is why people that are suffering from a stroke...heart attack or mild aneurysm...should be given a couple of aspirin and a glass of water if possible...unless of course they are like me and develop and allergy to NSAIDS overnight...apparently using aspirin...on damn near every occasion that required it...hangovers...headaches...did I mention hangovers...didn't account for anything...go out Friday night get drunk...come home...take five aspirin before passing out...NO HANGOVER...that was my fail proof system...til I woke up one morning with a bump on my tongue...jumped in the shower...kept rakin' that little bump across my tongue...and when I got out of the shower I had the f**kin' Michelin Man starin' outta the mirror I was tryin' to open my eyes and look into...but up until then...it had very helpful and healthy functions...and that's why the FDA won't approve it or reject it...because it works...and that scares them...they've seldom been involved with this kind of magic potions and witchery...NOT too mention they're the same ones that set standards for acceptability issues like how many maggot parts are okay to include in canned vegetables...if I could...I wouldn't touch a DAMN thing they approve...I'd much rather take my chances with the shit they reject...it's probably ten times better for us in the long run...ya know...when the acronym for the department you work for has the word DRUG in it...ya might wanna take a stand on one side of the fence or the other...cuz when ya just sit idly by and refuse to make a decision...it doesn't help breed confidence in you or your establishment...you're sorely lackin' in the ...grow a pair and MTFU department...I wish I weren't allergic to aspirin...I'd use it like salt and sprinkle that shit on everything...it's probably a secret cure for cancer...that's why they won't approve it...all other pharmaceutical companies pedaling their side effect inducing snake oils and cure all pills would go out of business...and who do ya think funds the FDA...it isn't the Federal Government...maybe on paycheck...for disclaimer purposes...but in reality it's the drug companies...today's medicine...pharmaceutical at least...is a joke...you can whip up a pill and market it for sale...promote the one thing it might be able to help with and cover every side effect known to man...and you're safe...I mean...COME ON...if the silly simpletons from yesterday can talk ya outta our money and cut off your head...and drug companies can offer a cure for erectile dysfunction by possibly causing heart attacks...kidney failure...prolonged erections lasting longer than John Holmes in a 1970's porno...what does that say about us as a society???   LAZY???  UNCONCERNED???   COMPLACENT...that's the word...we have grown into a society that has adopted a collective conscience of accepting the garbage they feed us every day...it's sad really...when ya step back and look at the big picture...how long did the FDA approve fast food cooking techniques before declaring an OBESITY epidemic...12 year old children that weigh triple digit figures that start with the #2 or 3...COMPLACENCY...hey they approved it...we bought into it...and NOW they hafta use different preparation techniques to deliver...healthier (debatable) food...in yet another misguided attempt to correct a condition that was spawned by their own ineptitude...I mean seriously...it's time people started payin' attention to just what the hell is goin' on around here...before we wake up penniless and in search of a missing body...like a buncha headless money wasters waitin' for a future that will NEVER come...shoulda taken aspirin...ya mighta lived longer...ya 75 year old first grade midget freak...I know...I know...it's wrong to point fingers and call names...it creates complexes...STFU...me and all my friends lived through it...here take two of these and come back Monday...DOCTOR'S ORDERS!!!

CRYO CRYPT KEEPER!!!

With cryonics, you can just "freeze" your head and choose a body when science is advanced enough to revive you...

...RIGHT...and uh...there are two glaring reasons why this piece of ignorant science fiction will NEVER reach reality...ONE being that in order to "freeze" a head it must first be detached from a body...preferably post mortem although it really doesn't matter...and TWO...as SCIENCE has already proven...a HEAD cannot live without the BODY...and why is that folks???  Any guessers???  Anybody else pay attention in SCIENCE class during the Anatomy section???  NOBODY...well have no fear...that's why I am here...the HEAD cannot live without the BODY because the BODY contains the lungs...which supply the air to keep the brain alive and functioning...the BODY cannot live without the HEAD because it contains the air sucking apparatus that this idiot misused to spit out this retarded idea about cryonics...trust me I know there are idiots out there that believe in cryonics...one of the early pioneers was Jeffrey Dahmer...who chopped the heads off of gay guys and stuck them in his freezer...apparently he wasn't happy with their current bodies either...hey I didn't say he was successful...but this is what happens with dumbass ideas...they get misconstrued and lead to problems in society...I watched a show recently with a buncha these cryonic caca melon keepers...paying anywhere from $50,000 to $100,000 to have their heads or their whole bodies frozen...and here's what gets me...your frozen...it isn't like you just thaw out and come back to life...whether your a head or a body...SCIENCE has NOT reached a point where they even KNOW if they are using the right shit to "freeze" the bodies and parts...you money dumpin' dipshits...ya know what PEOPLE with a lick of common sense and understanding will tell ya about cryonics and whether or not it will work...CRYONICS is the equivalent of taking a hamburger off the grill and turning it back into a COW...it isn't gonna happen...how the hell can people be that damn dumb...I mean seriously...what do they offer ya to get ya to buy into this crap...a double your money back guarantee...you're DEAD dumbass...you're NEVER gonna know if they revive ya or NOT...once your dumbass DIES and the oxygen supply to the brain has been interrupted for more than five minutes...there isn't a force on EARTH that's gonna breathe life back into your lifeless corpse...ya know most of the time I rant and rave about the ignorance of the author of the tidbit...and this case is really no different...he's a dumbass just for believing it enough to repeat it...but the real idiots are the ones buying into it with their life savings...take a look around assbag...things aren't getting any better on this planet...WHY the HELL wouldja wanna come back...throughout history this planet and the people on it have become more and more violent...we are NOT peace loving people...we have ENEMIES that want to see our destruction...most of them are disguised as friends and allies...but the writing is on the wall...this is NOTTA place I would want to come back to...if ANYTHING I would rather see us find another planet to populate like in Avatar...ya know...floating mountains with waterfalls...maybe somewhere that has an adjustable atmosphere and healthier edible shit that can preserve life for an additional 100 years or so...because here's the thing...even if by some magical HOLLYWOOD based fantasy future revival by cryonics becomes possible...how f**kin' dumb is your 85 year old head going to look on an 18 year old body...didn't really think that one thru didja...what didja think that once your old ass head was reattached to a younger body...like some freak Frankenstein concoction...with bolts stickin outta your neck...that it would just stay the same while it waited for the body to catch up in age...you idiot...and what didja think maybe there wouldn't be a huge scar runnin all the way around your neck...what were ya gonna bring back corduroys and turtlenecks...maybe some of that oh so missed Disco...I mean really...even if ya freeze your whole body with cryonics...how do you know that 300 years from now when they can finally thaw ya out and bring ya back to life...that they won't speak a completely different language...something that you have NEVER heard...then where will ya be...and what if all currency is cellophane based and paper money has been outlawed...where will ya be then...broke...homeless...and with a head that doesn't fit the body it sits on...NO way of paying for an education...because let's face it...the job you once had...probably isn't gonna be around when ya come back...didja consider that before ya went plungin' into a cryonic tub full of goo...probably NOT...and let's not forget to mention that the people that took your hard earned money and placed your ass in the deep freeze with the fish...aren't gonna be around to ensure that your ass gets thawed out and fixed...matter of fact there's a good chance that your little cold container is gonna be disconnected from the power supply source and shipped out to sea where it will be dumped with all the other refuse...there are very few things that can transpose the boundaries of different states of being...water for instance...capable of being frozen...thawed...and frozen again...it's also capable for it to be heated to the point of creating steam...where the moisture can then be trapped and converted back into water...HEADS not so much...but I'll tell ya what...for less than a 1/3rd of the cost...I'll "freeze" your head for ya...just have it hacked off and shipped to my front door...hell for that kinda money I'll even set a plate and pull ya out on the holidays...I'll be honest with ya...there really aren't a bigger buncha fucktards on the planet then these people...if ya ever hear of somebody thinking of investing in a cryonic head container...call me...my number is 373-393-4323...or (FRE-EZE-HEAD)...I could use the free money...let them know you know somebody that is even offering family discounts...buy three get one free...or you can buy the married couple minus mother-in-law package...ensuring that her head will be left to rot regardless of how much she offers...hey it's Thursday...have a great day!!!

SNIFFLES!!!

In 2000, traces of cocaine were found on 99% of UK bank notes in London...

Well...seems we've found the money laundering location for cocaine carrying cowboys from the Colombian cartels that offer their products in the United Kingdom...or did everyone else miss that along with the British intelligence agency that had to be responsible for leaking this information...NOW all they hafta do is find out where all this nose candy contaminated cash is coming from...chances are it's one of the people supplying the drug...I could be wrong...it really doesn't shock me...this tidbit...because it is also true of over 95% of U.S. Twenty dollar bills...not too mention ones...tens and fives...apparently it is quite popular to use money to snort snot soda...which to me doesn't make much sense...I'm NOT  a cocaine user...so it doesn't matter to me...but one of the things I recall learning in SCIENCE class was that the paper used to print money here in American...is capable of absorbing twice it's weight in water...NOW as I understand it...thanks to MSNBC and some of the shows they air that seem to glorify the drug trade...go figure...the process of creating snortable cocaine involves drying out the paste that the raw form of the drug comes in since in this state it is highly toxic...regardless of the agent used to perform this process...most of the cocaine that the DEA ships into America...did I say DEA...I meant Colombian drug kingpins...I really did...because there is a difference...one of them is paid by the federal government...the other is paid by the employees of the federal government...anyway...the majority of the product that reaches our shores...ranges between 92-95% pure...which means that it still contains a fair amount of moisture... which is then absorbed by the money these idiots use to shove that shit up their noses...each and every one of you reading this communique about the evidence of cocaine on money...are currently holding a piece of paper money that has traces of cocaine on it...kinda shocking isn't it...ya know what else is found on paper money...fecal matter...germs...bacteria...shit that has rubbed off over the years from all the people who have been handling it...how absolutely retarded...why don'tcha just stick your damn head in the toilet of one of those plastic poop palaces we were just discussing yesterday and eliminate the coca altogether...for the longest time I wouldn't open a bank account...I preferred to carry my money in the one place I knew it was safe...in my pocket...that way you could have it when I wanted to give it to you and not a minute before...and I didn't hafta worry about what hours the bank was open or if the ATM had a fee...NOW I seldom touch paper money...except for specific purchases...NOT because it has trace amounts of cocaine on it...hell I'd be willing to bet if you could find a way to extract all that powder that the paper purloined it would be worth more than the actual paper you found it on...but because there isn't a need for it...paper money represents the possibility of risk...it can be stolen and used without being traceable except by serial numbers...something the majority of us fail to take the time to jot down every single time we receive a new bill...a lesson I have learned on more than one occasion...debit cards on the other hand can be protected with a four digit security code which can be changed as you see fit...and I don't care if you steal my card...because you'll NEVER get me to give up the code...and NOT because I'm filthy rich beyond belief...far from it...but because I don't hafta...and for every penny I am lacking in riches...I more than make up for in stubbornness...you can even kidnap my kids and I won't fess up the four digits...whaddaya think I am retarded...you took 'em...you feed 'em for a week...you'll bring them back...freshly bathed and with baskets of fruit and gifts from the magi...if you happen to be one of these nose blowin' powder junkies that thinks it's kewl to snort your sit thru paper money...pay me a visit before your next binge...I have these NEW things I will gladly trade you for that paper money...and get this...they may actually improve your penchant for poundin' powder up your nasal passages...they're called STRAWS...(Don't judge me...I'm NOT selling the drugs or endorsing their use...I'm exploiting a viable market...it's called CAPITALISM...blame the government)...Happy Humpday folks!!!

SHITTY!!! SHITTY!!! SHITTY!!!

Ohio Ordinance #223 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses...

Now that's just a turdable idea...I would prefer an ordinance prohibiting the installation and usage of terribly graded toilet paper...ya know the kind that ya need a whole roll of just to wipe your ass without puncturing the surface and endin up with dirty digits...at least with slot machines a don't hafta worry about them failing to accomplish the job they were designed and intended for...ya might not win anything...but then again ya won't lose a finger diggin' around for that errant piece of paper that keeps tryin' to crawl up deeper into the hairy ass crack...don't sit there shakin' your head...you know what the hell I'm talkin' about...especially if ya don't take the time to shave those regions...ya nasty cave dwellin' neanderthal...I mean what was the purpose behind abolishing slot machines from outhouses...was somebody putting the coins in the WRONG slots...I could see where that might cause a problem...I can also see a problem with the thought of installing them in the first place...because let's be honest...I don't care if it's a brand new plastic poop palace...or an old wooden one that gets moved over a different hole from time to time...if you've ever been in one of these caca chili shack shithouses...you know that the last thing runnin' thru your feeble like foul smellin' mind is droppin coins in a slot machine...you're probably more likely tryin' to figure out the fastest way out of your current situation with the least amount of TPR as possible...for those of you who don't know what TPR stands for it's Toilet Paper Resistance...a rating established to determine the finger puncturing performance of said shit rag...the higher the TPR the less chance of breakin' on through to the nether side...the lower the TPR the greater the chance of having to explain that discoloration beneath your fingernails...NOW...lookin at this from a business angle...if I were an owner of a company that provided outhouse facilities in the Ohio area I would capitalize on this little tidbit of information and be damn near as rich as any casino owner in Vegas...(I know what you're thinkin'...how on Earth could you use this information to turn a profit)...it's simple actually...you hafta read the DETAILS of the tidbit...it specifically states that it prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines IN outhouses...says NOTHIN' about installing and using them OUTSIDE the outhouse...so you attach the slot machines to the OUTSIDE of the door and ya padlock the door...anyone wanting to use the facility hasta put the right denomination of coins in the slot and pull the handle til three purple pieces of poop hit the pay line...at which time a jackpot of keys tumbles out into the little drop tray and they get to do the...'I really gotta PEE right now' dance until they locate the key that fits the padlock...MONEY...MONEY...MONEY...that's the problem with outhouse operators...the fog that floats through their minds on a daily basis is clouded with crappy ideas...they can't seem to think outside the stool...I don't know about the rest of you folks...but slot machines or not...my lily white ass prefers to poop out in the woods when I can...NOT really embarrassed about it either...I'll pinch a loaf or open the fecal matter flood gates anywhere there isn't sufficient indoor plumbing...because there are far less chances and risks involved with taking a shit right out in the woods than there is by entering one of these enclosed keeper crappers...the respiratory ailments alone are enough to gag a full grown bloated maggot...let alone the nostrils and olfactory senses of the human being...I mean seriously...was this such a problem that outhouses were overcrowded with shitty gamblers...that they hadta pass a law preventing people from poopin and playin a game for profit...I mean come on...are people that damn dumb that they hafta be told to vacate the shitter for slot machines with better payouts...I mean seriously...how bad can things be for ya if your supllemental income comes from playin' slots in a plasticized shit shack!!!