ALMS...ALMS FOR THE BLIND...ALMS!!!

More employees are injured in the meat packing industry than any other line of work...

Why do I not find this hard to believe...I mean every male that attains the age of 10 knows that merely touching the middle appendage of the meat sac can lead to blindness...and you ladies wonder why we won't STOP and ask for directions...we can't see in the first place...how the hell do you think we ended up lost anyways...(honestly I must confess I was absolutely thrilled to find out that wasn't true...I couldn't figure out how I was gonna tell my folks that I had suddenly lost my eye sight due to an accidental brushing with the beaver beater)...aside from blindness meat packing pud pullers must also be concerned with the possibility of contracting CTS (Can't Touch Shit...aka Carpel Tunnel Syndrome)...what is it with those pansy ass people that get carpel tunnel syndrome and act as if the world is ending...I mean seriously...they act as if anything heavier than a fart in the wind is going to cause them immense pain...CTS can be a very revealing issue associated with the flesh flute fondlers all over the world...especially if it is ONLY evident in the dominant appendage...there is a simple solution to this situation however...I learned it way back in the day by watching the WWF...and applying a "tag team" format for my methods of manual manipulation...one eyed worm wrestling wranglers also need to be worried about the onset of the dreaded..."tennis elbow"...a misnomer if ever there was one...how about we just call it what it is..."Jack-off Junction Degeneration"...listen folks...if a male member in your family is walking around the house with one forearm looking like Popeye popped a few cans of steroid spinach and the other looking like a vegan would mistake it for an edible vine...Jack-off Junction Degeneration is the least of your concerns...that guy is gonna need some serious..."Shuffle Pump Reconstructive Surgery"...there are signs to look for my friends...if you're husband/boyfriend/f**kbuddy spends so much time in the bathroom it seems like a WWII reinforced beach bunker...they have some serious issues in the sexual depravity department...if your person of significant interest plays pocket pool better than Paul Newman in The Color of Money...chances are he is chalking his cue in public every chance he gets...if your bed buddy comes walking out of the water closet looking like the modern day equivalent of Aqua-man with webbing between his fingers and toes...I dare say he has invented his own form of Gorilla Glue...watch out for shiny spots on the sheets they quickly morph into sticky substances similar to Super Glue...another sure sign that someone is headed for a major catastrophe of the trouser trout variety is if they seem to run out of socks long before the rest of their clothes...filthy bastards we are...letting little Sammy the Spelunker spit all over the soiled shin sheets we place over our feet...personally I don't punish the pope as much as I used to...I hire handmaidens for that...I'm either too busy or too lazy to do it myself...haven't decided which...but I must admit...it is much easier to clean up if you don't use your own hands...oh shit...here I am...rambling on and on about playing with peckers and you were waiting on a meat packing piece...funny...I wish I had a video camera so I could watch all of you try to find signs of self-satisfaction with your spouses this weekend...what fun what fun!!!

BLUE-EYED BEER BELLIES!!!

Blue-eyed people have a higher alcohol tolerance...

...utterly and profoundly ridiculous...assuming that eye color has any bearing on alcohol tolerance...I have blue eyes and while I am quite capable of diving head first into a binge I dare say my tolerance and taste for alcohol is NOT what it once was...I enjoy a beer here and there...maybe a shot of some foreign happy hooch on occasion...but sitting around drowning my sorrows in a bottomless beverage container is NOT high on my list of things to accomplish today...tomorrow...or for the foreseeable future...it's too bad that I and my blue-eyed brothers and sisters do NOT possess an abundance of patience...or tolerance for stupidity...it would make life easier on mental munchkins like the one that proposed this asshat idea...WTF is it with people today...how hard is it to think for yourself...I mean holy sh*t folks...there's an overload of ignorance taking place here in America...has been almost since history misinformed us that Columbus was the first to skirt the shores of this continent...and it starts at the earliest of ages...I mean who reading this was NOT educated in US History while in their formative years??? Ask any average sponge sucking citizen "Who discovered America?"...and 90% of the time the answer is gonna be 'Columbus did in 1492'...really??? So the indigenous tribal people of native American descent...where did they come from again??? If they didn't somehow 'discover' this place before Columbus...how the hell did they get here just ahead of him...were they in the water swimming and towing the boats behind them...NO...everywhere I look there are inconsistencies in information...politicians would have you believe that the 1st Amendment protects "free speech"...to include the disbursal of info on the internet...a technology they couldn't possibly have envisioned 200+ years ago...yet these same mental equivalents of political pocket lint would have you believe that the very next clause of the Constitution...the 2nd Amendment...only applies to muskets...because our forefathers couldn't possibly have envisioned the advances in firearms manufacturing technology that would be prevalent some 200+ years later...I wake up most mornings wanting to shoot people in the forehead with a common sense cannon...blue-eyed people have a higher tolerance for alcohol indeed...a person's level of tolerance for alcohol is directly associated with the amount they imbibe on a daily basis in an escalating fashion...I know blind people that can chemically corrupt themselves with far greater passion and purpose than I myself ever dreamed of being able to achieve...one of the largest concentrations of stereotyped alcoholics happens to be our native American brothers...it has been well-documented throughout history their penchant for 'fire water'...hell they took the guns we gave them and traded them for booze...making them easy targets for atrocities and relocation...and yet very few...if any full blooded native Americans have a blue hue in their optical receptors...NOW...maybe if you were born and raised on some Nordic ice field you might make the assumption that those blue-eyed...blond haired pre-nazi's were more capable of tolerating alcohol...but if that were the case I dare say WWII on the European front would have been much easier to win...drop a few barrels of spirited beverages among Hitler's henchmen and wait for them to sleep it off...and what is alcohol tolerance anyway...when you tolerate something you endure it...you put up with it...you deal with it even though every fiber of your being suggests it would be far better off to just abolish the object...substance...or what have you...take me for example...I have an extremely low threshold of tolerance for idiots and ignorance...ask anyone that knows me personally...I do NOT sugarcoat my feelings regarding f**ktards...I've no use for them and find them repulsive...mind numbing meat sacks that are doing NOTHING more than sucking up more oxygen than is needed...they are the primary suspect in any global warming theory I subscribe to...without these air gobbling ass wipes the Earth would be more capable of correcting any harmful affects associated with greenhouse gases...blue eyed and beer bellied my ass...blue eyed bullshit burial artist is more like it!!!

HOME...HOME ON THE STRANGE!!!

It is illegal to get fish drunk in Oklahoma....

ya know I hafta laugh when I see laws of this nature...I hafta sit back and wonder to myself... what caused the legislature in Oklahoma to pass such a bill into law...were there an abundance of idiot Oklahomans runnin around grabbin up fish and forcing them to drink alcohol...was it considered a right of passage such as cow-tipping...or ring-n-run...prank phone calls and stuff of that sort...or has the legislative body in Oklahoma been secretly keeping tabs on yours truly and his blog entries...finally coming to the conclusion they would not support ridiculous scientific studies of the effects of alcohol on fish??? Or perhaps this tidbit holds a grammatical error...the addition of a word that does not appear in the actual letter of the law...see if we remove the word "get" from the sentence above...the law would then make a little more sense...or if you remove the word "fish" then one could see where the law might be on the books in dry counties around the kingdom of Oklahoma...and to be honest with ya I don't really understand this law...fishing and drinking go hand in hand in the southern states...how do ya think we come across all those stories that begin with..."Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." we rely on the inherent abilities of hillbillies and rednecks to provide us with the humor needed to get by in our otherwise mundane daily lives...hell it happens even up here in the great white tundra of northern Michigan...why I have relatives who are locally famous for their expeditions during hunting and fishing seasons...NOT because they land the biggest trophy animals and fish for the year...but because of the things they BUILD to accomplish such tasks...one of my Uncles erected an aerial hunting blind that has been mistaken...on more than one occasion...for a DNR Forest Ranger lookout tower...this thing is so enormous it can be seen from satellites circling overhead...hell you can probably find it on Google maps...the platform for this hunting haven breaks through low lying cloud cover...suffice to say that hunting from said high rise hacienda requires the intricate knowledge and abilities more commonly associated with snipers...you hafta be able to read and adjust for windage... the coriolis effect...spin drift and bullet drop...hell with the right magnification you can hunt the shores of Wisconsin from this thing...and they didn't STOP there...another of my relatives...from the same lineage mind you...constructed a pontoon boat that one could ONLY liken to the missing artifact from the show Beverly Hillbillies...a double decker flotation device complete with hammocks and enough added weight...just launching this thing into the water without tipping it over or sinking it was a challenge that shoulda been annotated in one of the Guinness Book of World Records...amazing feats of ingenuity...perhaps...I often wait to hear what they are going to do next...because NOTHING beats walking around a small town having the familiar associates of the village stop you on the street and begin a conversation with..."Hey did you see what your (insert family member here) did?"...It is the highlight of my afternoon...but seriously...I am NOT above my blood sharing relatives...for I also do things that would probably make entertaining YouTube videos if NOTHING else...and often without taking the time to consider what might happen...the difference is I do them on a small enough scale as to remain unnoticed by the surrounding community...why just the other day I found myself standing outside with an ice hoe trying to knock 6" thick sections of ice from the roof of my house that were overhanging the eave by about a foot...NOTHING wrong with that right??? Until you realize you are standing there in a pair of Joe Boxer sleeping shorts and a pair of flip flops...NOT the best attire to make a rapid get-away from aforementioned sheets of falling ice...thankfully I was able to escape any serious injury...personally I don't see the problem with getting fish drunk...I mean it's completely up to you...but there are easier ways to marinate fish in an alcoholic concoction...without appearing dumber than the fish itself...there's probably even a few recipes you could find on the internet...you know that funny little TV looking thing you can't figure out how to use because it doesn't have a fish finder on it...that nifty little device could save you some embarrassment on your next outdoor endeavors...I suggest getting a third grader to help you navigate one of these technological tools...they appear to have the upper hand in the intelligence of the internet marketplace...I swear...each and every damn day I grow to abhor the assinine advances of technology...I mean seriously...isn't the whole purpose of these damn things to make life easier...I can't even use photoshop anymore because every time they come out with an upgrade half the shit you were used to now requires 40 more steps to accomplish...I woulda thought by now the damn things would be able to read your thoughts and respond accordingly...and don't even get me started on Search Engines...what a crock of shit...who was the illegitimate prodigy that came up with these godawful contraptions...how damn hard can it be to give me results pages with the EXACT WORD FOR WORD SEARCH CRITERIA I ENTERED???  When I type in "Northern Michigan Redneck Inventions"...why does the first results page contain a laundry list of pages with those 4 words listed anywhere within the website...such as a listing titled "How gods come to be" with a snippet that informs me the page contains "Neo-American Redneck Buddhist; Location: Frozen Northern Michigan near Thunder Bay...invention is one of the later stages of creation"...is that what the hell I was looking for...there should be maybe 3 pages total listed on the return...we don't have an abundance of inbred redneck hillbillies up here...why would we need 400 pages of results that have NOTHING to do with the original search criteria...and the problem isn't just with major search engines...for my job I hafta scour free photo websites to find images to attach to the things I write or edit for others...for the love of god...when I type in a specific search criteria give me what the hell I want...even YouTube...good lord...I know the name of the band...I know the name of the song...when I enter it into the search window...what on Earth pray tell...sends the signal that I want to see EACH AND EVERY damn video copied...with a shaky...grainy replication of the original video...recorded with a piece of shit camera from a 90's style cell phone...give me the damn original video...the one shot for the song...by the band...recorded by a professional...if I wanted to listen to crappy replications of the original I would have asked for them in the first place...it can't be that difficult...I enter KEYWORDS in a specific order..return results of the same description...when I go to a big box store and cannot find what I am looking for...I approach a representative of said establishment...I then politely ask them if they could point me in the direction of said desired item...for instance..."Excuse me ma'am...could you please tell me where I might be able to locate a copy of the DVD "Sleeping With The Enemy?"...do you think for one minute they drag me to the bedding department...or to the gun section of the sporting goods section...NO...because that is NOT what I am after...the same should apply to operating effectively in the realm of cyberspace...and here's the rub...IDK when this law was passed in the fabulous free wheeling fish intoxicating environs of Oklahoma...but apparently it was prior to the invention of the internet...since the most relevant answers received during research indicate that the majority of fish found on the planet are incapable of getting drunk...the introduction of alcohol...it would appear...has a highly lethal effect on the fish found on this planet...it KILLS them...at least according to most of the accounts I spent less than 30 seconds reading...which...if I am NOT mistaken seems to be the end result of undertaking a fishing expedition in the first damn place...because lemme tell you...this whole catch and release philosophy is just retarded...it's like going to the damn grocery store...loading a shopping cart full of products...standing in line for hours at checkout...paying for all items...then spending the rest of the afternoon running around the store placing everything back in it's proper place on the shelf...the whole catch and release concept derived from piss poor fishermen relating stories of the monster they caught and returned to the deep...perhaps the patrons of Oklahoma need to brush up on their biblical studies...as it would appear that Jesus himself was fond of converting water into wine and having fishes and loaves night...stands to reason he was wise to the demise of getting fish drunk!!!

PSYCHOTIC SLURPIES!!!

People with mental disorders such as psychoses rarely yawn... 

That's probably due to the fact that you can't yawn while drooling all over yourself...ya know I am often amazed at the aspects of an issue people find fascinating enough to put out as factual tidbit evidence...now I ain't sure bout the rest of y'all...but I seldom give a shit if the psycho I am staring at yawns...my attention has been drawn to them because they pose the potential to back a screw out and flip shit without forewarning...very seldom do I sit in silent observation of that big sumbitch over in the corner with the scar running thru his eye and down his cheek to see if he is tired or lacking oxygen...NO...my main concern is monitoring his movements...is he sitting there plotting revenge on his treasonous lover and her new bed buddy??? I'm fine with that...his focus is occupied elsewhere and I need not be worried about what else he is doing that day...is he sitting there hating life and everyone in it...silently plotting his 15 minutes of fame on national TV because his Momma didn't pay enough attention to him when he was young??? Well then I am placing myself and those with me near the closest possible exit...when his eyes cross...snot flies from his nose and steam erupts from his ear sockets...I'm GTFOD (Gettin' the F**k Outta Dodge) before anyone else in the general vicinity...I'm runnin until my shoes sport holes in the soles my friends...screw stickin' around to be interviewed...I view psychotic sumbitches the same way I do bears...it is NOT necessary for me to outrun the bear...just everyone else in the immediate area...let those slow of feet be the snacks...save your ass and live to fight another day...now I know that NOT everyone with a mental disorder has a form of psychosis...and let's be honest...everyone on this planet...at this juncture of human history has some form of psychosis...and most of us yawn...(I know what you're thinking...but Kevin...I have NO mental disorders...how unjust of you to stereotype me as such)...and if that did actually run through your mind...it proves my point...that you do INDEED have some form of psychosis...people with mental disorders do NOT realize they have them...at least for the most part...they think like you do...that EVERYTHING they do is NORMAL...and that the rest of the world is suffering from some sort of delusional drama...ask yourself a few test questions...Have I ever done anything in life that was so embarrassingly stupid I wanted to keep it to myself or at least as secret as possible??? Do I consider myself closer to the level of genius than I do those around me??? Do people often invite me out to social events because of the stories involving my name the following day??? See the thing is what one person may consider to be a mental disorder...another might consider normal or above average in the areas of intelligence...we can't all be right...and in many cases the fine line between being dubbed a drool bucket or a genius is so thin tachyons have trouble landing on it...in my opinion the number one cause of mental disorders in America is mass media and their myriad of misinformation...and when you throw technology into the mix you get a very clear picture of just how DUMB we have become...I mean holy crap...kids these days are being programmed to think as they are told...rather than being instructed on the beauty of thinking for themselves...I am ashamed of myself for allowing my children to be schooled in the fine art of collective conscious think tank formats...such as those found in public schools...I am appalled at the fact that every organization that has a hand in being part of the big picture in government informs our future generations that all the answers to life's little questions can be found on the internet...if the entire World Wide Web crashed tomorrow and had NO hope of being brought back online...you and I are going to find our homes filled with our own adult kids who CANNOT function because Facebook and Google are gone...what this nation needs is future generations full of ship righting boat rockers...such as those from my Momma's generation back in the heyday of the 60's...those people rallied and protested across the nation for their freedoms and beliefs...they didn't sit glued to a computer screen waiting for the next Top Story to post on some damn social network...yes technology has it's place but if you do NOT integrate it with common sense and the ability to think for yourself...then your kids are likely to become part of the OBESITY EPIDEMIC...NOBODY these days wants to go against the status quo...primarily because they FEAR the big brother format of federal government...they will be judged as mentally defective and possibly placed in restraint and shipped off to a holding cell to await sentencing to a mental institute...they fear repercussions against themselves or their families...they fear being investigated by the FBI...and I'll bet you and yours are included in one or more of these categories...and that my friends is the biggest form of mental disorder on the planet...it isn't the children born with a dysfunction or disease...it's you and I and our dumbed down mentality regarding how we are being trained to OBEY EVERYTHING THEY SAY WITHOUT RAISING A SINGLE QUESTION!!!  Enjoy the video and have a great weekend!!!

PUSSY PATROL!!!

In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light...

And what purpose would this little tail attaching device have???  Have you ever seen a cat run down the street in the same direction as the normal traffic flow???  NO...cat's run across the road...showing a profile of their bodies which...when viewed would NOT alert an onlooker as to the nifty little lite swinging from their posterior parts...does Colorado have a problem with cats breaking down in lanes of traffic all over the state???  Doubtful...cats do not require ethanol or under the hood automotive maintenance...and why oh why...please tell me why...a tail light is necessary...but head lamps and turn signals are not...I mean...in order to put a law of this nature on the books...somebody in that great state had to envision cats crowding the streets of the cities and towns...stands to reason you would want them to abide by all traffic related laws...is the light supposed to help you find your cat at night when it doesn't come home??? If so...here's a little clue for the would be residential cat hunters of Colorado...CATS by nature are curious...they are investigative...they are free spirits that depend on you for very little of their everyday needs...they come and go as they please...and NO matter how long and hard you look for them...or how loud you holler their names through the midnight air...they will return when they see fit...tail light or NOT...maybe it has to do with the relaxed marijuana laws they recently passed...trust me NOTHING beats seeing a flashing light signalling an approaching pussy...at least for most potheads...since they are too lazy to go out and find any for themselves...I love the wording of this tidbit..."If loose"...how many half witted wombats are running the show over there in Colorado???  Where is it normal to tie your cat out on a leash in this country??? And you also notice there is no time differential stipulated...so your free spirited feline hasta have a tail light on even in broad daylight...how ridiculous is that??? What is most interesting is the fact that there appears to be NO stipulation requiring said tail light attachment to be in proper working order...just that one hasta be in place...kinda reminds me of our friends to the north in Canada...don't hafta have a UFO...just a launching pad or landing strip...in case one appears...utterly and completely f**ktarded...I have a distinct feeling that this law was passed through the continuous efforts of an Asian-American lobbyist with a vested interest in Oriental restaurants within the state...perhaps to make it easier for them to target tasty entree material due to their inherent squinting and lack of round eye sight...I could be wrong...but having visited my fair share of Chinese eating establishments...I dare say there aren't that many ways to cook chicken...NOR are there enough chickens on Earth to supplement the needs of these palatable palaces...so half that shit is either cat...dog...or rat...especially those fancy little Teriyaki Chicken kabob lookin' things...PLEASE...chicken does NOT look like that...beheaded...de-limbed rat bodies on the other hand seem to fit perfectly with the features of this delicacy...considering that Colorado is a hotbed of news worthy material as of late...beginning with Columbine several years ago...theater shootings...relaxed marijuana laws...and stricter gun control...I am pretty damn sure I want ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with that state...I mean who in their right mind wants to move to an area where law abiding citizens are stripped of their right to protect themselves...raging lunatics slaughter innocent civilians...and recreational marijuana users chase tail lights on cats for fun...since cow tipping has probably been outlawed...hell the ONLY commodity they have left is SNOW...and I am the world's largest opponent of populating snow covered regions of the world...so IMLTHO (In My Less Than Humble Opinion)...we could drop a star from the flag and let those floaties see if they can gain access to Canada as another province for all I care...what a catastrophic model of incompetence!!!

PHYSICALLY PHAILING!!!

Thirty Thousand Americans are injured every year by exercise equipment...

That's right folks...over 30,000 completely inept people are seriously injured by exercise equipment annually in America...29,999 of those come from assembling the new diet enhancing device they just received in the mail...I keed...I keed...but seriously all one needs to do is look up idiots and barbells on YouTube to fins a plethora of idiots hospitalizing themselves through the misuse of equipment for the specific purpose of trying to get a video to go viral...You Tube is probably the BEST reality TV on planet Earth...since the idiots uploading files to share have NO aversion to being the centerpiece of a something painful yet hilarious to the rest of us...they are truly from the warm water wading gene pool where little kids piss...REAL physical fitness gurus take extra precautions NOT to try and lift weights while standing on a beach ball...or trying to conduct an exercise such as parkour while having access to ONLY high rise buildings...and unfortunately some of these accidents do occur through the exact way mentioned earlier...by physically unfit human beings trying to tone up and lose weight...they are usually of the 500 lb plus variety and purchase items such as a treadmill rated with a capacity to handle 300 lbs. or less...tragedy befalls them when they are either putting the item together or when they hobble on to it and cause it to suffer catastrophic structural failure...you think I am kidding...case in point...roughly 10 years ago I went on a canoeing trip with some friends of the ex...the members that made up the majority of this excursion were Indian ethnicity...feathers not target dots...so one would reasonably assume they had their shit together when it came to navigating a river while sitting in a canoe...I mean...all historical records and artwork seem to indicate that it was these people or their ancestors that created this type of watercraft in the first place...so you can imagine my shock and surprise when I guided my single seat kayak past a standard 2 seat canoe...that was carrying (3) male members of the tribal variety...all of which had to gently tip the scales at 300 lbs. plus...as well as a cooler full of beer...roughly 1,000 lbs of weight in a canoe rated to hold half that...needless to say the water level breached the sides of the canoe every time one of them shifted an ass cheek to float an air biscuit...similarly needless in nature to mention...yours truly paddled ahead with a fervor unmatched on that given day to get to the "Tubes" that run under one of the country roads we would encounter...I just had to get the BEST seat for the show...by the time the aforementioned ark reached the point of NO RETURN for entering the Tubes...I was firmly parked on the banks of the river waiting for the episode to unfurl...as canoe after canoe...raft after raft...kayak after kayak and inner tube after inner tube made their way through the Tubes...the occupants were greeted with rapids at the far end that sprayed them with water and even caused a few less than confident navigators to tip and spill their belongings into the rushing water...the overloaded canoe in question had NO such problem when it steamrolled through the Tubes and subsequently sank straight to the bottom...while the ONLY things bruised that day were the egos of a few floating tribal members this event shows just how dangerous the misuse of equipment can be...I laughed so hard I developed a six pack ab set just from watching...several other people actually toppled over from laughing and did injure themselves on the rocks and pebbles strewn across the shore...look there is a really easy way to avoid being injured by exercise equipment...DON'T USE IT...EVER...IDK about you folks but the very last thing I wanna do is DIE HEALTHY...what kinda bullshit belief system is that...I mean seriously...aside from any significant amount of pain associated to a terminal disease I wanna leave this planet the same way I came into it...KICKING...SCREAMING...& FIGHTING FOR EVERY DAMN BREATH...that is the ONLY sure sign of a well-used life cycle...do your damn duty and grab a DONUT on the way to work tomorrow...they're NOT just for cops!!!

GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!

Poland is the "stolen car capitol of the world"...

...has this idiot ever been to Poland...because I have and the one thing you need an abundance of to become the stolen car capitol of the world is...CARS...something Poland is drastically lacking...they have NO use for them...people in Poland walk...ride bikes...take the bus...or ride the ever present slowest moving train on Earth...(seriously you can walk faster than the train travels)...what few cars they do have there are shrouded in mysterious misnomers...like 'limousine'...which loosely translates into...1950's era Mercedes Benz sedan with brake problems...or they are of the size of Hot Wheels and Matchbox models...their streets are so narrow and their vehicles so small that in the current era half of all sidewalks double as parking spaces...going to Poland is like taking a huge leap back in time...NOTTA a single thing besides McDonalds is open before 10am...and NOTHING besides McDonalds and bars are open after 6pm...literally...you can be standing at the checkout with half of your supplies rung up and bagged and the very second the clock strikes 6pm...they will shoo you out the door WITHOUT the rest of what you had lying on the checkout belt...they do NOT piss around and wait to ensure the customer has been satisfied...quite the culture shock when you come from the land of...customers come first...they do this because they are more family oriented than we are here...they eat their dinner meals together daily at all costs...having to walk...ride a bike...take a bus or train home to get there on time requires adhering to a regimented schedule...and they ride their bikes EVERYWHERE...into stores...into McDonalds...and there is NO such thing as public intoxication laws on the books...or at least NONE the police are willing to enforce...it is NOT uncommon to see citizens walking the streets...boarding buses or trains...or riding bikes with a full Budweiser in hand...from the minute the sun rises until someone passes out...and with their ignorance at the bartering table I find it very difficult to believe that ANYONE needs to steal ANYTHING...hell I went to the currency exchange when we got there and slid a U.S. $100.00 bill under the window and that poor lady handed me so many stacks of Polish currency...I felt like the bastard child of Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey...of course that was before Poland converted to the Euro...I paid 3 zolte's (roughly less than a $1.00) for a souvenir chessboard for my son...a magnificent gift that in America would have been accompanied with a price tag somewhere in the range of $80.00...and I bartered to get that price since it was originally offered at 10 zolte's...had I the need for a blow up buggy (polish sports car)...I'm fairly certain I coulda walked away from the bargaining table for less than $50.00 American money...hell over 90% of the population doesn't even know how to drive...let alone steal anything...and when you see how their..."the war ain't over yet" Police force is decked out and patrolling the streets on foot...you get the distinct feeling that they still view the outside world as potential threats...I couldn't even take a picture at the airport in Warsaw...an airport mind you that had maybe a whole whopping three terminals...a couple hundred passengers and at least three dozen pairs of heavily armed police/soldiers...I was fortunate enough to imbibe some of their spirited beverages whilst I was there...and lemme tell you...it is an alcoholics paradise of potent potables over in historic old Poland...the alcohol content for light beer (drinks for women I soon learned) is an outstanding 7.3%...regular beer comes in at just over 9% and the stronger beers hit the charts at over 11% alcohol content...compare that to America's watered down versions and we look like a buncha sissy sippers...word to the wise...if you are ever over there and happen to be offered homemade Nalefka...RUN while you still can...that shit could strip layers of steel from an I-beam...it is the most toxic substance I have ever ingested and it will definitely prevent you from being able to drive let alone walk...stolen car capitol of the world indeed...these are the same ethnic people we poke fun at for being slightly slower at the intelligence level than the rest of the people on the planet...and here's the final piece of proof that Polish people do NOT steal vehicles successfully...the entire week I was there...traveling from one end of the country to the other on the world's slowest moving mode of transportation...the one thing I noticed that I'm sure the rest of my family members did not...is that there are NO garages...not on the personal or commercial level...the majority of these people live in the metropolitan areas where NOTHING but apartment buildings are present...they have no room to build a garage or carport...they all park on the street...so where exactly is Poland's underground auto thief supposed to HIDE their newly acquired automobiles??? That's right folks...in plain sight...the ONLY place the police in Poland won't look...a force of heavily armed men and women who patrol the streets in pairs like they're still looking for Hitler's hideout...hell the country is so poor that many of the buildings from WWII are still standing...intact or as shells of their former selves...complete with painted over bullet holes in the walls and ceiling from when the Nazi's occupied the place...so you tell me...how likely is it that Polish people are the Grand Poobah of the International Auto Theft Pantheon??? 

DUMB...DUMBER...DUMBEST!!!

The Egyptian pyramids are located at the intersection of the latitudes and longitudes which cover the greatest amount of land on Earth...

...am I the ONLY person on the planet that has EVER looked at a damn globe???  Latitudes are lines that wrap around the globe and mark a places location in relation to a north/south position...these lines vary in the amount of distance they cover because they are parallel to the Equator...which is the LONGEST latitude...unfortunately the pyramids lie 29° 59' N meaning they are NO where near the latitude with that encompasses the greatest distance around the Earth...dipshit...learn cartography...as far as longitudes are concerned...they are all the SAME distance...since the lines begin at one polar point on the planet...form an arced yet straight line through the opposite pole and continue back to their points of origin...ANY dumbass coulda got that one right...even tho the pyramids reside at 31° 09' E of the Prime Meridian...it really doesn't matter since you could hypothetically draw the same type of longitudinal line through this exact point and it would result in the same amount of distance...(I know where you are going with your questions of authentication)...Kevin, distances vary at longitudes due to topical differences in terrain...such as mountains and valleys...NO it does not...distance is calculated these days with high tech land survey equipment which nullifies topographical differences in terrain dynamics...I know because I have worked in this field previously...yes back in the golden days of using what was available to measure distances...land survey teams used 100' lengths of chain and tried to shoot a straight and true line...the problem was these distances were inaccurate because they did include topographical terrain differences...distance is now calculated using a constant flat surface as the basis...such as sea level...this allows us to precisely measure how far it is from one point to another...without taking structures into consideration...what is interesting is that if you look at theories of Ancient power grids on the planet what you find is an exactness that should NOT have been possible given the crude and rudimentary knowledge and tools we assume they used...damn near every megalithic prehistoric structure...the pyramids on the Giza plateau included...and you draw straight lines around the globe using a any two of them as the basis for establishing the line that will encompass the surface of Earth...they form an enormous global geometric diagram to within a degree of being PRECISE...what is even more interesting is that the majority of these megalithic structures include massively huge and heavy expertly cut and fashioned stones weighing in at over 1,000 tons...objects that were quarried from deposits located hundreds of miles from where the actual structure stands...archaeologists would have us believe these master stone masons were able to do this using NOTHING more than stone age hand tools and logs for transport...yet when you speak with someone that is in the career field of massive mining...they will inform you that the GIGANTIC Earth moving equipment we have the advantage of using today...COULDN'T handle projects that large...recent discoveries from archaeological digs are turning up significant evidence that the history of humans may be far more complex and date back beyond what we currently believe to be the beginning of creation...in conjunction with transportation issues comes the explanation of precise carvings that would be difficult to achieve prior to the invention of 3-D modeling...there are also mysteries surrounding the explanation of evident tool markings that could NOT be conducted with Stone Age hand tools...mud-less mortar joints that fit so tightly together you couldn't shove a tachyon thread between them...perfectly cut indentations that we can ONLY duplicate with modern equipment and technology...a preciseness with which modern architects have problems understanding or theorizing on...and let's NOT forget the fact that at the time of these structures being erected NOBODY on Earth had a clue...(or supposedly had NO clue) as to what a longitude or latitude was...and you have a very significant problem with the history of humans as we know it...and it stems from collective conscience propaganda...ANYTIME somebody that has spent the larger part of their early years obtaining a degree with the letters PHD attached to it...goes into the field and develops some far fetched theory about how something came to be...the rest of the world accepts this theory as fact...rather than stopping for a second and thinking for themselves...after all these IDIOTS wasted their time and money studying shit they couldn't possibly hope to understand...only to offer their OPINIONS as proven facts...some dumb ass whispers..."Global warming is a serious threat"...and EVERYONE feels they need to adopt a greener lifestyle...they don't even blink an eye at the fact that data for modern weather related events has only been recorded for a little over 100 years...yet there is absolute proof that the planet has undergone drastic changes in temperatures throughout it's existence...geological discoveries indicate that the planet continues to experience drastic dips in temperatures which result in Ice Ages...followed by drastic rises in temperature which return uninhabitable areas to habitable zones...it is a healing process the planet incorporates all by itself...the more we learn the less we actually know!!!

AND THEY CAN FLY TOO!!!

A government study has confirmed that pigs can become alcoholics...

I love government funded studies...they are all the rage these days...let's look at some of the basic information this study MISSED...such as pigs do NOT earn money...therefore they cannot buy their own alcohol...most pigs do not live to the ripe old age of 21...meaning the government is knowingly violating one of their own laws by providing alcohol to minors...pigs cannot fabricate moonshine stills...nor do they have the capacity to mix mash and distill it properly...so what does this mean???  Quite simply it means that a small but albeit important portion of our national deficit is the direct result of ill informed scientific studies...any and all members of the animal kingdom are capable of developing alcoholic tendencies when subjected to cruel and unusual controlled environments where they are force fed alcohol...I swear the day America wakes up and realizes what's going on it will be too late...this is the fodder they fill the papers and internet with to keep us from noticing what is really going on in this country...I mean seriously...how many of you read that tidbit statement and found it fascinating or interesting??? GO quickly to the nearest hardware store and buy some rope...I'm sure you have a chair at home that you could topple off of rather easily...PIGS CAN BECOME ALCOHOLICS...indeed...with the ever present assistance of warped human beings...I mean unless you truly enjoy an alcoholic lifestyle...and have the belief of reincarnation in your tiny little melon...then this is great news...all you hafta do is come back as some form of swine and swill away at the local watering trough full of your favorite concoction...NO more worries about DUI...or other related offenses...I'll tell ya what...I don't know what's worse...submitting a request for funding for such a dumbass idea or being the one that signs it into approval status and disburses the funds...I don't get it...is there some part of America where drunken pigs are a problem???  Has some farmer found other farm animals impregnated by the sour mash sipping swine??? Do we have horse and sheep running around with pig snouts and curly tails as the direct result of interbreeding with hammered hogs???  Doubtful...so why the interest in getting pigs to drink alcohol to see if they develop a 'disease' once thought to be secluded to humans???  There really is no good explanation for this type of study...personally I could care less if pigs drink to get drunk or not...if I were a pig farmer on the other hand I would use this information to the absolute best of my abilities and raise all the hogs on my haven as alcoholics...why would I do this???  Because unlike others I see advantages to be had and a market to be cornered...PRE-MARINATED PIG PRODUCTS...think of how much more money you could get for your swine if they were already saturated with flavorful alcoholic content...you could sell your meat to restaurants...delis...grocery stores...you would be the Bill Gates of boogery and butchery...having made sure the meat was fully saturated prior to being led to the slaughterhouse...I mean who could compete with Pabst Blue Ribbon Pork Rinds...or Palatable Patron Pork Loins...Captain Morgan's Pork Medallions...the list goes on and on...ya see I've given up on chastising the government for misappropriating funds...it's useless and takes up too much of my time...once you reach a deficit ceiling that taps into the trillions...citizens shouldn't need to be clued into the fact that governments spend money they do NOT have and expect us to foot the bill...what I have done is begun to look for ways to use this information beneficially...I figure WTF...if they're just gonna keep spending money we do NOT HAVE...I may as well enlighten you to how to convert it into useful information...STAY TUNED for more ways to take advantage of piss poor government spending programs...such as teaching people the long lost art of growing their own food instead of trading food stamps for drugs!!!  Have a great day!!!

AND AWAY WE GO...HOLD ON JOE!!!

There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee...

HIP HIP HOORAY for COFFEE...IDK about the rest of you folks...but for me...COFFEE is the true nectar of the gods...I don't care one bit about the other 999 chemically enhanced pollutants that may be swimmin around in my small brown cup of steamin moanin stew...that shit could cause firefly eating bullfrogs to glow and I wouldn't care...CAFFEINE in COFFEE is like dynamite and Drano for the human body...it'll get ya up and goin' in a hurry...and keep ya constant...constantly runnin' to the bathroom...constantly lookin' for somethin' to do...constantly awake even when ya have time for a nap...it's Nature's damn WUNDERBAR drug if ya ask me...there are certain people ya just can't even tolerate without a good cup of Joltin' Joe...I can't look in the mirror until I've had at least two 1/4 barrels full of the stuff...and ya know to be honest I say go ahead and dump another couple thousand chemicals in there...maybe you've forgotten that thick muddy shit our ancestors drank for their morning brew...or the stuff they still drink as muddy mountain mornin water up in dem dar hills of the Paplashuns over by the Est Coast...that stuff'll damn near kiltcha if ya ent gotcher wits boutcha... No Siree IDGAF what they are puttin' in COFFEE these days...it seems to be above the Platinum Standard as far as human consumables go...it's the ONLY thing that doesn't come with an advertisement that has a laundry list of potentially life threatening side effects...ya don't see  FOLGERS commercials tellin ya..."Here drink this...it will cure narcolepsy...if you happen to stay awake for periods of longer than 72 hours consult a physician immediately"...now do ya??? Or magazine ads for MAXWELL HOUSE...depicting the last surviving human...being chased by Zombies while gulping down a cup of Blue Barreled Magic...with a little caption that reads..."Let MH be your Doomsday Drink...possible side effects include SURVIVING extinction level events"...because it would make sense...well except for the last example...you would expect a drink that has the potential to make humans act like busy little bees in a honeycomb hive to have the capacity to keep you awake...now if ya saw say a sappy little segue into a Sanka commercial that showed a young couple in their 20's walking through the woods with a picnic basket and they stopped by a river...built a small fire and began boiling their little pot of A.M. potions...and a big hairy Sasquatch came running outta the woods and killed them on the spot...and the message flashed across the screen..."Suck down Sanka...live life on the edge...possible side effects include brutally beaten to death by Big Foot"...chances are ya aren't gonna be runnin' out and buying big quantities of this magic elixir...I mean hell everyone drinks it...cops...lawyers...doctors...teachers...corrupt politicians...you name it they all drink it...and for some unknown reason there seem to be very few...IF ANY AT ALL...documented cases of deep end divers (that's a gene pool reference) dying from drinking this concoction...shallow end shark bait (see gene pool reference above) does have the potential to injure themselves while making...drinking...or ordering it from a fast food drive thru...but I don't count them as being significant...(I'm looking for ways to eliminate them en masse as it is) so if COFFEE can help out in that aspect as well...so much the better...that being said...you precious few people that take out a second mortgage just to pay for your Starbucks Swill...should be hunted...dragged behind a horse...and then drawn and quartered...for your ridiculous belief that paying as much...if not more for a cup of COFFEE...as you would for an entire can the same size capable of supplying a couple weeks worth of home brew...blasphemous hypocrites all of you...I'll bet you don't shove that much in the collection plate on Sunday do you...fo' shame fo' shame fo' shame... "Thou shalt hold no gods before me"...and yet there you are in line at the Starbucks at least 6 days a week and only goin to church one the schedules Sunday Mass..."Thous shalt be held accountable for thine own actions"...and I'll bet they don't serve COFFEE in heaven...why would you need it...according to all records it is a blissful place filled with harps and angels and fluffy marshmallow like stuff...YUMMY...HELL is where COFFEE will be served...how do I know this???  Because shortly after reading how sinful I made you out to be for worshiping a cup of overpriced COFFEE above your religious beliefs you all condemned me straight to HELL...and since I CANNOT tolerate the levels of drama in modern society without my COFFEE...I shall have lakes of it to bathe in...it will rain from the sky like a Monsoon...it's the ONLY way I expect the rest of my constituents to get ANYTHING done...because HEY...it's HELL and who wants to wake up for that!!!

SIMPLE UNSINKING SOLUTIONS!!!

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand...

IDK about you folks...but unlike previous editions of the tidbit...I am actually excited to discover this information...and just as prepared to offer a few helpful hints of my own...I know this tidbit to be entirely true...since I am currently occupying just such a position...lying on my back while slowly raising my legs...and guess what??? I'm NOT sinking in quicksand...why??? Because I am NOT laying in a pit of quicksand at the time I practice these steps...here's another helpful hint that will keep you safe from falling into a quicksand spot...KEEP AWAY from areas where quicksand exists...eat lighter food groups...(see Vegans...those people float by when they fart)...walk on solid surfaces...concrete...asphalt...hard packed land masses...you get the picture...if ya wanna stay above ground...don't be a DUMBASS and venture into unfamiliar territory without the proper equipment...holy crap...now for a simple exercise in stupidity...lay on the floor...(NO NOT AT WORK...WAIT TIL YOU GET HOME)...now slowly raise your legs...what do you notice???  Legs are starting to get heavy rather quickly aren't they??? And where do you feel the most pressure??? On your lower back if you are doing it right...the one spot this genius wants you to keep planted in the soft slurping sand pit...which more than likely means you are placing more weight on a centralized location...kinda counterproductive to staying afloat isn't it...heavier objects sink without proper weight disbursement and buoyancy...I won't even get into the asshat's inability to formulate a sentence worthy of reading...if you follow this dipshidiot's instructions...and are successful please video tape the proceedings and forward them to me...I will make you an overnight internet sensation...schedule you a world tour of talk shows and make you more famous than Jesus...because here's the thing...you CANNOT "raise your legs slowly"...and "lay on your back" without being in an anti-gravity chamber...trying to raise your legs slowly without first being on your back will almost assuredly land you in the hospital with a multitude of injuries...and when you really STOP to think about it...how do most people stumble into a soft wet sand pit???  That's right folks...shout it out... FEET FIRST...and IDK cuz I've NEVER been ignorant enough to come across one...but I would imagine that once you have submerged your feet and lower body into a bath of quicksand...the ensuing struggle to bring those feet and body parts to the surface is going to enhance and increase the sinking situation...rather than eliminate it from the equation...and since this Google-less guru couldn't take the 120 seconds to do a little research here is a rather interesting fact you should be aware of...most quicksand pits are seldom deeper then 2-3 feet...if they are that deep at all...the proper way to get out of quicksand is to RELAX...a human body can float on water...quicksand being denser than water makes it easier for the human body to float...in most cases simply striking the all to familiar pose of a fresh water floater will keep you from being the recipient of this years Darwin Award..(given posthumously to the dee-dee-dee who died a tragic death as a direct result of their own stupidity)...and here's a final word...if you truly have a fear of quicksand develop agoraphobia and STAY in your house FOREVER...for it is people like you we want to cull from the mortal coil and be done with...I'll tell ya folks...it is stuff like this that makes me wish I had a huge "DO-OVER" button that would allow me to go back to the day my first born became old enough to educate...if this doesn't SCREAM...HOME SCHOOL YOUR CHILDREN...IDK what will...we desperately need to overhaul the internet...it has been in existence for a few decades now and has been in need of an upgrade for more than half that time...at least divide it into 2 systems labeled...FACTUAL...and SHIT DUBYA WOULD BUY...keep it simple...FACTUAL stuff is everything that can be considered tested...true and relevant...SHIT DUBYA WOULD BUY...would include EVERYTHING taught by public school systems...EVERYTHING published by mass media outlets and all other crazy crap that cannot be verified...don't go swimming in quicksand to try and disprove this point...schedule a little dumpster diving event closer to home if you must act out ignorantly when being provided useless information...it is much easier to clean up and I won't hafta worry about attending a funeral where the theme song comes from DROWNING POOL!!!