12/30/11

The only flying saucer launch pad in the world is located in St. Paul, Alberta, Canada...

Well now that's nice to know...glad our friends to the North have the only existing launch pad for flying saucers...it should come in very useful for their National Space Program...what is it called...Oh that's right they don't have a Space Agency worth mentioning...a launch pad for a flying saucer indeed...more than likely St. Paul...in Alberta Canada is home to the world's largest skeet throwing device...or the world's largest frisbee flinger...either that or Canada is responsible for the whole U.F.O. epidemic...part of their master plan for world domination...dupe all other countries into believing extra-terrestial lifeforms have been coming to our planet...abducting the feeble minded...country bumpkins on every continent...subjecting those poor souls to probings and torture...then releasing them back into the public so they could tell Sally-Jo...and Billy-Bob 'bout them big grey headed aliens and their flyin' saucers...have ya ever noticed that these U.F.O.'s...they kinda take on the progressive nature of other things on our planet...like automobiles...airplanes...trains...mass transit devices in other words...funny when you look back throughout history...recent history at least...depictions of U.F.O.'s in the '50's and '60's included...bright...shiny...gleaming...saucer shaped vehicles...and now-a-days...U.F.O.'s are described as massive triangular shaped objects...with but a few visible exterior lights...outlining an otherwise undetectable...undefineable...flying apparatus...kinda goes hand-in-hand with Hollywoods ever-changing visionary concepts of the future of our little planet...don't it???  Maybe I'm wrong...we'd hafta ask a few Canadian citizens...but just maybe this flying saucer launchpad is a joint operation between our two governments...we maintain...and control access to Area 51...and once we figure out how to unleash the flying saucer(s) we have warehoused there...we'll dismantle them...ship them to Alberta Canada...and the Canadians will finally get to use their much anticipated launch pad...doubtful...but hey...when it comes to crazy ass ideas...it's all too possible...personally I would like to know more about this launch pad...what was used to build it???  Being that there isn't any publically visible evidence that saucers can indeed fly...who is the genius behind it's design???  One would be safe in assuming that it isn't like an airport runway...since saucers wouldn't use tires as a method of motion...it wouldn't be anything similar to the launch facilities of Kennedy Space Center...since saucers aren't shuttle shaped...so what would this thing look like???  A giant slingshot is my best guess...or maybe a catapult...something that uses an external power source...since every U.F.O. sighting...as well as every abduction...that's ever been investigated has NEVER yielded even trace amounts of a fuel source...NO vapor trails...NO burn marks on planetary objects...where they have been witnessed actually landing...NO evidence that they incoporate any of the methods of propulsion that we ourselves have achieved...anti-gravity...fossil fuel systems capable of directional travel are all we are familiar with...magnetic propulsion systems are coming of age...but unless we're gonna start building railroad tracks all over the universe...that isn't gonna fulfill the need for interplanetary space travel...NOR is a Canadian launch pad for flying saucers...those north of the border Neandrathals...who builds something they can't use???  You'll notice the automobile didn't come along until AFTER the wheel...airports weren't built until flight NOT only became possible...but financially feasible as a method of transportaion...where do they get off assuming they have the prophetic foresight to envision a future full of flying saucers in need of a launch pad...or are they hoping that any extra-terrestial tourists visiting our quadrant of the galaxy will take note that they are the sole proprietors of planet Earth's only launch pad designed specifically for their arrival...hell even the ancient Egyptians were smart enough to realize that even if they were able to comandeer a spaceship they wouldn't be able to understand the dynamics of flight...they abandoned any half-ass bonehead ideas about launching themselves into the heavens and stuck to what they knew...erecting pyramids...a phenomenon still debated over to this day...all sorts of ideas abound as to what they are...and why they were built...WELL...DUH...I just explained it to ya...they had no aspirations of obtaining the knowledge needed to master flight...the automobile was still centuries away...so basically the pyramids are our planets first failed space program...a multi-faceted stairway to the stars...hell even ancient artifacts depict flying machines with WINGS...a necessary component to adjusting flight paths accordingly...the only effective FLYING SAUCERS known to exist are manufactured in enormous quantity by the world reknown toy tycoon...WHAM-O...they've been sold in five and dimes for over 6 decades...and even they require an external power source...and without years upon years of perfecting manipulation...this device is incapable of altering it's flight path once released...it is at the mercy and whim of it's launcher...as well as external forces such as wind...trees...neighbors roofs...hell even a woman scorned can't...in her fits of fury...launch a similar object...the family dinner plates...with any hope of pinpoint accuracy...instead relying on the spray and pray method...hoping against all odds that if enough saucer shaped objects are launched during the ensuing rampage...one might connect with the target of choice resulting in the desired effect...I knew there was a reason...beyond frigid weather conditions that I didn't like our neighbors to the north...I think the air is a little thin up in that treeless tundra...these oxygen deprived...dingleberry dipshits are Canada's version of the Detroit Lions fanbase...building a new stadium...complete with trophy case...and for what???  We'll colonize Mars...shuttle back and forth to Saturn for sun-bathing tourist traps...and I'll have grandkids on Nimbus 3 before either the Canadians realize their flying saucer launch pad is as useless as a rudderless boat in a whirlpool...or the Detroit Lions advance thru the Galatial playoffs...winning the Milky Way Division and advance to the UniverseBowl...winning the Tiberius Trophy...named after Capt. James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise...who's outer atmospheric explorations were accurately described in the annals of Hollywood Holographic History Department!!!

12/29/11

In New Mexico, over 11,000 people have visited a tortilla chip that appeared to have the face of Jesus burned into it...

C'mon...this is to easy...I shouldn't hafta begin to tell ya just how ridiculous 11,000 people have been...these dipshits are obviously living proof that my theory yesterday holds some water...they hafta be direct descendants of the Aztec/Missouri migrants...of the one-shoe...sister-sharing variety...seriously I hope NONE of you shelled out hard earned money to go visit a tortilla chip with an image of Jesus burned into it...how absolutely brilliantly stupid do you hafta be...tortilla chips...in layman's terms...are nothing more than soft taco shells...cut into little triangles...and fried in oil...then dried...I could teach an inbred...two-headed...siamese toad how to make a tortilla chip with an image burned into it...cpwboys did it to cattle back in the day to signify ownership of dumb beef-bearing animals...I'm pretty sure I could brand tortilla chips...soft taco shells...burrito shells...all Mexican things made with flour...with any image I wanted...hell I dropped a deuce once that resembled a giant Hershey's Kiss...didn't see me advertising it to the general public didja???  NO...and ya know why???  Because I hardly enjoy entertaining the kinds of..."Well, I'll be dipped and shit and hung out to dry at a fly farm"...Milk-Dud munchin'...midget-minded morons that would be sure to occupy my every waking moment with requests to document the aforementioned Mudd-Butt Mountain of chocolate I deposited last Tuesday while contemplating the possibility I had just seen the image of Santa Claus in the glob of butter melting on top of my shortstack of pancakes at breakfast...buncha damn peanut-filled...pinata heads...the half-genius shyster who came up with this holistic of all tortilla chips missed a golden opportunity to increase his capital net worth...he shoulda went a step further...dipped it in salsa and expanded the claim by also noting that it appeared to cry rivers of medium hot blood...I can't believe 11,000 people are so ignorantly educated they would even explore the idea of undertaking an adventure that amounts to a tortilla touching tourist trap...this tidbit makes me beg the question....WHERE do these people come from...and WHY can't we do a better job of keeping them locked up...I need to get into advertising and marketing while the fire is hot..."Face of Jesus Fajita Wraps"..."Body of Christ Burrito Shells"..."Virgin Mary Salsa Verde"..."Trinity Tortilla Chips"..."Holy Ghost Guacamole"..."Moses' Manna and Red Sea Refried Beans"..."Christ on a Cross Chili Con Carne"...and "Sabbatical Soft Tacos sprinkled with Apostlistic Asiago"...I'd have at least 11,000 weekly shoppers...idiots from all four corners will flock to my big box grocery outlets..."Mary Magdalene's Market featuring St. Peter's Produce"...I'd bang my head against the wall but it'd still take me forever to lower myself to the level of these..."I seen Jesus at the drugstore"...derelicts...this is a perfect example of why scientific study...with regard to human...genetic engineering should be greeted with extreme caution...the last thing we need to do is compound the problem by cloning the corn-fed...cross-eyed...cum-droppings of the Southeastern Colonies...the Molokai of the Mainland...ya know...if ya stare at anything long enough...you're bound to see things the rest of us think are absolutely ludicrous...just this past summer I was out fishing on my favorite hidden lake...the weather was beautiful...sunny...about 78 degrees...clear blue sky...when all the sudden...outta nowhere a single giant cumulus cloud floated over head...in the shape of an oval...and I couldn't help but notice how much it resembled a perfect...almost pristine...Polar Bear egg...had I only had the foresight to whip out my smartphone...drop my fishing pole...and digitally record it's passing as it morphed into a White Corn Tortilla Chip Touting the likeness of Doubting Thomas from Tortega!!!  LMAO!!!

12/28/11

The oldest documented footwear found was an 8,000 year-old sandal found in a cave located in Missouri...

So...was it the Aztec people who originated in Missouri and migrated to Central America...or was it backwards assed...single toothed...overall wearin' hillbillies that were here first...abducted by aliens...transported to Central America...educated by the Annunaki...and historically given credit for establishing one of the greatest empires of the Central American civilizations...for my sake I hope it was the first one...I'd hate to hafta admit that all my ramblings about the sophisticated...tin-foil toting...U.F.O. spotting...Sasquatch hunting...addlepated societies most commonly located in the Southeastern quadrant of the good ol' U.S. of A. were actually the truth telling...all intelligent...saviors of the universe...holy crap...that would be a catastrophe...the year is 2013...the Mayan calendar proved to be a precise countdown clock for the Apocalypse...several shaved-head...robe-wearin'...Kool-Aid consuming cults have cropped up in the tattered remains of every major metropolis...all of them trumpeting the teachings of the post-apocalyptic pundit...Ternada Timmy...the Sagacious Tsar of South Carolina...who at the age of 7 gave up the prestigious pasttime of Poltergeist Hunting for the more austentatious career choice of Foreseeing the Future...having perfectly predicted the events of the past 10 years leading up to this event only months after they actually happened...it would be a disaster...it's much more plausible...not too mention easier to swallow...for me to believe the forefathers of the Aztec tribes once lived in the location now known as Missouri...and were much more prohetic than their Mayan counterparts...envisioning a future for their people that included everything from goin' barefoot to inbreeding...and eventually elected to travel further south in order to protect their bloodlines from the inevitable co-mingling of un-intelligent immigrants that would one day inhabit that think tank of 'Modern Technology involving anything more complicated than puttin batt'ries in a flashlight escapes me'...The one thing I find ironic about this little tidbit is that somebody found an 8,000 year old sandal...in a cave...where today most bi-pedal beings born with the name 'Bubba'...are considered to be shoeless...straw-tooth grinnin'...simpletons...who couldn't spell short-bus...let alone ride on one...now the funny thing is they only found ONE sandal...which leads me to wonder...what happened to it's partner???  Did it erode over the years due to poor craftsmanship...was this one left behind by an Aztec man who at the time was only seperated from his spouse???  Or is this the earliest example of hick-a-billy folklore personified...a well-preserved relic reminding us that in the South...shoes...teeth...as well as sisters...are shared with equal enthusiasm...who lived in caves 8,000 years ago...grunting...groaning...gassy-assed Godzilla hunters...that's who...the Neandrathals and Cro-Magnon human-like creatures...unkempt...unshaven...uneducated...they could barely keep fire going...manufacture rudimentary tools for hunting and that time honored tradition of early Etch-a-Sketch...cave-drawings...I doubt very seriously that Unga-Bunga Reebok...the shoe magnates earliest known ancestor...came bee-boppin' outta the cave one morning and after trodding across a few rough areas of terrain...sat down and drew up the first blue-prints for a new fashionable footwear...it being Missouri...and a cave...it's all too possible that sandal belonged to old 'Spud' the Spelunker...he lost it on an expedition back in the 1800's...Missouri's own...Muddlebrain Mike found it while searchin' for his hair-lipped half-sister Sally who most folks testified was the Southeast's first Sasquatch Sighting...the number 1 had been worn off...Mikey the Muddlebrain was under intense hypnosis from a paranormal expert which resulted in double-vision thereby causing poor Mike to mis-identify 3 zeroes behind that 8...and this my friends bares a striking resemblance to how one mans misguided interpretation of the past can lead to unfounded hypothesis regarding the future...just because you stumble upon some ancient relic...spend thousands of dollars un-earthing it...hire several of the top-minds to investigate it...research it...and determine what it is...doesn't mean you have a single...solitary...shred of evidence anything you postulate is proof positive...sometimes a sandal in a cave...is just...a sandal in a cave...and sometimes an acient time keeping...interlocking wheel...is just...???   That's right...shout it out...you know the answer by now...don't be askairt...it's just an ancient time keeping...interlocking wheel...and just like all time keeping devices before it and after it...what happens when you wind it up...or reset it...it starts all over again...and fear NOT my faitful readers...should I be proven disastrously wrong next year and some life-altering event changes both the shape...texture...and fabric of humanity beyond anything imaginable in Hollywoods renditions of an Apocalyptic future...and we find ourselves existing in an age so dark only coal-miners are comfortable...I will continue to post Tidbits...maybe not from the comfort of my couch and with the ease of a laptop...but I'll leave nifty little novella's scribbled in crayon on every overpass I encounter...if for no other reason than to begin the next cycle of Archaeological Assinine Assesments when some dirt-digging dipshit from the future stumbles upon one of my little epithets...LMAO!!!

12/27/11

Stannous Flouride, which is the cavity fighter found in toothpaste, is made from recycled tin...

Oh boy...isn't that just a wonderful...tasty...little nugget of knowledge...kinda makes ya wonder where they might be harvesting all this tin for recycling purposes don't it???  Local landfill lookin a little lite...that new tube of Crest sorta taste like a mixture of Sausage Gumbo...Green Beans...and cat litter???  Brings to question a few other concerns...if tin...recycled or not...is the leading cavity fighter in toothpaste...why aren't 4 outta 5 Dentists recommending it to their patients???  Why aren't toothbrushes manufactured by companies like S.O.S. or Brillo Pad...bought prepackaged with enough tooth powder to provide 3 daily brushings for a month???  How come Billy Goats...who are rumored to ingest everything from tin cans to tires...aren't somehow ingrained into every oral hygienic producing companies corporate logo???  Big ass billboards displaying Bubba the billy goat...his mouth full of junkyard garbage...grinnin ear to ear...with a cloud of fresh anti-halitosis Hisbiscus breath circling his head...why...if tin is such a great cavity fighter...is pop bad for your teeth...it comes completely enclosed in a tin can...I'd think you'd wanna gargle with it 8 to 12 times a day...and why in the hell aren't we required to get tetanus shots once a month...I'd hafta believe that some of the tin gathered from recycling plants would contain a little rust...more than a little if it's your local junkyard that's decreasing in size rather than the landfill...and seriously...take a look at West Virginia...there are more toothless hillbillies manning tin shine stills than you could shake a stick at...those people oughtta have such omnipotent oral hygiene our government woulda been forced to abolish the idea of Prohibition long before it ever became a nationally accepted NO-NO...not to mention their flatland...below the foothills...friends and family members...the U.F.O. abductees...one anal probing on an interplanetary spaceship and these people resort to lining the walls of their houses with Tinfoil to keep out the harmful rays the aliens use to locate test subjects...instead of missing every other tooth in their head...these Foil Fedora wearin freaks should be damn near shark like...possessing the ability to sprout a new tooth everytime one falls out...why do we unwrap a stick of chewing gum before commencing to masticate it into a flavorless ball of faded rubber...it comes wrapped ina nice little piece of shiny foil...it would hafta be more advantageous just to pop the whole thing in your gullet and get to grindin...why don't we all have the same...sun-catching...eye-sparkilng smiles...if tin is the answer to eliminating cavities why don't we go thru a coming of age ritual where back alley blacksmiths are enlisted to hammer out tin grills for all of when our final adult tooth erupts thru the gumline and aligns itself accordingly...we should all be walking around with sunglasses and sun-catcher smiles...the dental profession should be as antiquated as carpet-baggers...what's next in the palace of palatable...yet unknown medicinal secrets...the silkiness associated with fine hair care products like Conditioner is actually made from the finely shredded...punishingly pulverized...recycled droppings of the rainbow assed babboon???  Ever taken a hunk of tinfoil...balled it up and tossed it into the canyonous recesses of your canine container...and attempted to let it touch your teeth...let alone chew on it...kinda gives ya the same feeling as when some assbag scratches their overgrown...ass nugget grabbin' claws across a chalkboard...I've NEVER been a big fan of the hypocrites adorning the field of dentistry...Rule # 1...NEVER put sharp things in your mouth...what's the first thing that savant of the saliva slide does...take something long...sharp...and pointy...and start jamming it haphazardly around your teeth and gums...often accompanied by the monotonistic melody..."Does that hurt?  Are you experiencing any discomfort?"...this f*ckin' genius invested several tens of thousands of dollars obtaining the necessary skills to peer into your piehole...take note of a few discolored...apparently affected areas...and determine that they may be cavitous...but he hasn't the common sense to realize that the ass-crawling outta the chair method of movement you're currently attempting to apply with the utmost professionalism is more often associated with him prodding...poking...jabbin...and jammin long metal cyndrilical objects in and out of the soft tissues of your tongue...cheek and tooth area...just once...after being asked those ignorant information gathering queries...I'd like to shove a red hot poker so far up his rectal region it singes nose hair...and say to him..."I dunno there doctor skewl dropout...does that tickle a little?"  Or grab his little naughty sac of nuggets in a vice...squeeze one til his travels up the anal-optic nerve...pops out an eye...and leaves a socket full of untrimmed sweat streaked scrotum hair...and politely ask..."am I applying to much pressure...or do I have your undivided attention yet?"  I don't even want to be enlightened as to the manufacturing process involved in extracting Stannous Flouride from recycled tin...I can only imagine it is on par with the pacifistic procedures perfected in other enormous industrial indulgences like the magnificently humane methods mindlessly adhered to in the beef and poultry procuring plantations...fear not the health hazards one might find completely plausible in this little fact finding foray...all you need do is triple up on your orally hygenic habits and before you know it you'll be invisible to aliens and confuse the shit outta State Police Speed Traps anywhere on the planet...either that or you'll have a leg up when they make the sequel to The Wizard of Oz: The Tin-Mans Tramp terrifies Toto...starring you and your glorious...gleaming...recycled grill from the garden of garbage your armpit sweat swillin' neighbor keeps fully functional by tossing everything imaginable into...here's a thought...possible ad-campaign...Save Yourself Some Money...Brush with Brillo...why the hell not...you're already scrubbin away with recycled tin...chockful of yesterday's flavors...Brillo Pads can do the same damn thing...and retain morsels from those baked on...hard to clean cermaic cooking surfaces...itsa WIN-WIN scenario...kinda like if Dumbya had been able to formulify a complete sentencified explanationary paragraphical whatmathingamajigcallit that was actually understandibilized thru the interpretationism efforts of his most innerside group of speech scribblers!!!

12/23/11

Nearly 87% of all people polled were unable to correctly identify an unlabeled copy of the Declaration of Independence...

In the words of Gomer Pyle...SUH-PRISE...SUH-PRISE...SUH-PRISE!!!...hell that doesn't even ruffle my feathers...that damn piece of paper has been misinterpreted by 100% of politicians hoping to exploit it for their own personal gain...hell I'll bet without the benefit of yesterday's shared common knowledge...several among you haven't a clue as to how many signatures are on that document...or for that matter how many actually signed it on July 4th...how many didn't sign 'til the following August...and who's signature was missing until November of that year...I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if you told me over 50% of all people polled misidentified the Declaration of Independence as the Constitution...and vice versa...this is an all too evident example of what is wrong within our country...NOT enough of the 99% give a rat's ass to educate themselves accordingly...they accept everything they are told in the mass media as an inevitable need for an ever changing society...what's the percentage of all people polled who have been paying attention the last 16-20 years...who realize that the government currently in power...has been systematically raping each and every one of us of our rights as guaranteed in the Constitution...I'll wager it's less than the 99% who are complaining about inequality among the classes...you sure can't expect to embrace fundamental change of government practices if you're unprepared...ill-equipped...and uneducated in the terminology of the documents they are obliterating before your very eyes...sad to say...but I firmly believe this country is headed further and further in the direction of a tyrannical/totalitarian form of government...simply because too many of us fear rockin' the boat...and fear...when instilled properly...as it has been for quite some time by the good old boys in D.C....is what affords them the ability to continue to move forward...people in this country are all too concerned with the insignificant things that they miss the things that are important...how many of you reading this are aware of SOPA...what it stands for...and what it entails should it be passed into law???  I'm guessin' no where near 87%...and all tho it drives my point home...it's all good...because whether you're aware of it or not...it's going to be played out in such a fashion your inherant ability to ignore it will be adversely effected...SOPA stands for the Stop Online Piracy Act...when taken at face value...like either of the aforementioned documents...appears to be of great benefit to all e-commerce business owners...however...when dissected...and interpreted by each sub-category...this bill...if passed will put an end to the freedom of the internet as we know it...again...following the course of previous 'societal benefitting' bills...see Patriot Act...which by the way is an oxymoron...similar to Military Intelligence...there isn't a damn thing about it that describes Patriotism or any function thereof...SOPA is littered with enough loosely worded lingo to effectively give those in positions of power the authority to determine what sites you are allowed to access...it also gives them the authority to track everything you do on your computer...whether from the privacy of your own home...or in a public venue @ an internet cafe'...thankfully a handful of the 99% who have determined ENOUGH is ENOUGH...have taken it upon themselves to make a stand for those of us standing idly by quivering in our boots over the outcome...they go by the online hacktivist group known as Anonymous...who have already provided some of us the foresight to witness their abilities to follow thru...first hand...I have no doubt they are completely capable of making good on their promises...it would behoove each and everyone of you to prepare yourselves to carry out everyday tasks...we currently take for granted...in ways the generations before us were accustomed to...pens and paper...or dig out your old typewriter...shit's gonna getta little hairy...I sure as hell hope none of my readers fall into the 87% who can't correctly identify one of our countries most heralded documents...if you find yourself among this plethora of pinheads...I implore you to utilize the internet to further educate yourself...I mean seriously...how in the hell can you run thru your daily lives...absent of mind...ignoarant of events...adapting to the laws and whims of others without so much as having the wherewithall to know what the f*ck is being voted on...this shit affects us all...this problem grows expotentially on a yearly basis...back in the '80's you paid for things by cash or check...occassionally you threw it on a credit card and signed for it...a new era of identity theft and fraud was born...in the '90's you paid by cash or credit card...occassionally paying by check...and the internet was born...now people no longer had to rummage thru garbage to steal your identity...they just needed to hack into a database...in the last decade...over 70% of U.S. purchases were made by swiping a piece of plastic...of those almost 50% were for items totaling less than $25...which no longer even require a signature...or were processed thru an online partner program like PayPal...Google Checkout...you name it...requiring an electronic signature which amounts to pressing a button that acknowledges your agreement to terms...up until this year I didn't even have a bank account...I was one of the last holdouts...requiring from my employer a standard paper check...why???  Because bank accounts are backed by the Federal Government...an organization that requires NOTHING of substantial importance to back the paper money they distribute...yet deems access to your personal finance records as prudent to effectively run a country...BULLSHIT...you wanna know where my hard earned money goes...either employee me...or offer me something I want to buy...otherwise get your nose outta my ass!!!  Unfortunately I was forced to convert in order to keep my job...and was issued a debit/credit card upon opening an account...since that occurrence I've put this little program to the test...rarely...if ever...do I sign my name to any slip resulting from a transaction...I've signed those slips with every name imaginable...except mine...and do you think for one minute I have ever been refused service...questioned...required to cancel purchase and resubmit it for proper signature identification???  NOT one single time...I've NEVER so much as been contacted by my bank...asking for verification of these falsely signed slips...I've signed names like Huckleberry Finn...Santa Claus...Elmer Fudd...so why hasn't anyone caught on???   Same reason 87% can't identify a prestigious document like the Declaration...because it has become insignificant in the grand scheme of things...society has been brainwashed into believing that expediancy results in progress...a mere glance at a document...or slip of paper...is all that's required to process the information required to continue on with our daily life...ask yourself this...how many of you sign...prepare...or process an item on a daily basis without knowing exactly what it entails???Damn near each and everyone of us...somebody approaches...hands us a stack of papers...lets it be known they need these prepared...signed...and processed by yesterday afternoon...we receive them eagerly...flip thru them to the signature block and without more than a customary glance at the letters forming words on the page affix our signature...and don't say..."Why I never do that"...don't compounds the issue thru denial or lying...hell more than half of you have used your credit/debit card @ your local gas station...@ the pump...requiring no photo evidence of who you are...no signature to validate the purchase...and how long has this been going on???  Well since the signing of The Declaration of Independence...consider for a moment...when the Declaration was drafted this country was in it's infancy...it is estimated that there were 2.5 million people residing in the new country in the year 1776...the first official census recorded roughly 3.2 million in 1790...however 56 signatures adorn that document...56 people got together and decided in which direction this new country would embark upon...the same thing applies today...NONE of us are asked to vote on these bills...our opinions are NOT required with regards to how we expect to be treated...or how we envision our government to act on our behalf...so basically what this tidbit tells us...is essentially 87% of us are entirely happy with wandering thru life oblivious to our surroundings...current events...or how they effect our daily meanderings...and that is disgusting...we owe it not only to ourselves...but to future generations...to get involved before it's too late...if it isn't already...also take note of this statistic...it represents a fundamental flaw seldom seen on any other continent...or country...it basically in a nutshell enlightens us to one very disturbing...undeniable fact...of the 87% named above...one hasta believe this incorporates all walks of life...civilian...military...as well as governmental...which in retrospect means that somewhere near half of all people currently holding political office...or a weapon of war on foreign soil...have no idea what they are governed by...or what they are fighting for...and that my friends is TRAGIC...to say the least...make an effort to educate yourself beyond the realm of what the corrupt few in control deem appropriate for the multitude of minions...if you choose to remain inactive...you've NO One to blame but the ghostly image of mortality that faces you every morning in the mirror!!!

12/22/11

The house fly hums in the middle octave key of 'F'....

I coulda went the rest of my life without needing to know the operatic ambitions of the common house fly...holy crap...if this is true we really need to take a step back...look in the proverbial mirror...and start askin ourselves just WHAT in the hell is important enough ot do research and study on...finding out these insignificant little facts cost money...and are normally financed thru federal funds...which are amassed thru the taxation of citizens suffering from far more important problems than NOT knowing which octave a common house fly hums in...and what makes the house fly so special it warrants it's own study...what about the horse fly???  The tse-tse fly???  The crowd controlling...pants fly???  I've heard all kinds of humming noises come from that general vicinity...depending on if the fly is open or shut...and they don't tend to come from the middle octave of 'F'...but sound distinctly like the high octave of 'B'...there's also an arrangement of acoustical accompaniments...moans...groans...and loud spanking noises...followed by a chorus of "oh's" the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would be proud of...I can't believe that one day...one of the turdswillin' floaties got outta bed...took a shit...hopped in the shower...and half way thru the morning shave...stopped mid-cheek...looked up at the grisly face in the mirror and thought to themselves...'Today I astonish the scientific community thru determining what octave the common house fly is capable of hummin in'...I mean I could see going to all this trouble if there were some advantageous end result...for instance...it wouldn't bother me near as much if I were to read an article in The Scientific Journal regarding this little study..."After just under a decade of research...a group of maggot morphing...hula-hoop heads...working at the ultra-secretive CERN laboratories...were able to pinpoint the exact octave with which a common house fly announces its arrival...studies of this two-winged terror were found to have benefits for surfers on each and every continent...what was initially described in earlier reports as an 'accidental occurrence'...resulted in the manufacturing of the highly acclaimed product...'Shark-Away'...when scientists attempted to communicate musically with dolphins by organizing an underwater symphony of scuba suited house flies...only to find that every variety of shark in the adjoining tanks went belly up"...see now...had something even remotely close to beneficial come from this study it woulda been well worth it...even tho this information seems completely useless...I highly advise watching the daily headlines of Chuck Shepherds...News of the Weird...because I guarantee...Old Billy Bluegum read this little tidbit over his morning coffe...which was brewed using the dried grounds from last weeks overturned Copenhagen tin...skipped the shower...got dressed in his best Sunday overalls...ran to the corner drugstore and bought every roll of flytape on the shelf...apparently in an attempt to make good on his promise and give his toothless...one-eyed...sister-mother Tuesdays and Fridays off...now some of you are laughing so hard you're gonna end up havin' a stroke...while I'm sure there are a few who are repulsed by the image of little Billy hangin flypaper off the business end of his swatter...in hopes that house flies gave better hummers...and are thinking...'Kevin's one sick bastard...nobody gets a buncha flies together for a blowjob...that's really stretchin it pretty thin'...obviously those few have a very limited knowledge of internet accessibility...and regard FOX NEWS as the 'end all...be all'...Holy Bible of current events in video format...however in my personal opinion...if Billy wants to candystripe his flesh colored flagpole with flypaper in order to fornicate with a harem of houseflies...who gives a shit...as long as he isn't doing it at a public playground...I say let Billy wrestle his own demons...he isn't half as twisted as that Bareback Mountain...Stetson Commercial...Assless Chaps Cowboy and his equally disturbing Half-naked Horsefly Wrangling Rodeo!!!  Truth is flies don't hum...mindless morons who come up with unfounded fun facts hum...drool...rock back and forth...Flies buzz...which may or may not sound as if it originates from the middle octave of 'F'...it is however generated from the disruptance of air created by the common house flies ability to beat its wings at a rate close to 200 times per second...wanna know how I got that answer???  Well...let's use the process of elimination...Did I attend Harvard...minor in the Musical Identification of Octaves as Associated with Insects...with a Major in Humming Houseflies and The Harmonious Half-wits who Hear Them???  No...I did not!!!  Did I perhaps peruse this piece of propaganda while idly leafing thru some Modern Medicine Magazine in the waiting room of my very own...'Wannabe an Alien Anal Probing Engineer???'...Wrong again...Could it be something I remember learning about in Highschool Science...that magically came rushing back to me like a Flowerchild's Flashback...when I run across some discolored Polaroid of me wearing the wide lapeled...button down...silk disco shirts...and polyester bellbottoms...(That was probably more embarrassing for me to acknowledge in these pages...than it was funnier for you to read...lol)...but alas...that is also incorrect...(a silence falls over the crowd...from way off in the distance a muffled voice rises above the maddening emptiness...'Pray tell us of your progressive methods...Oh Pinnacle Dwelling Prophet of the Pantheon of Knowledge'...the cheer is echoed into a roaring crescendo...much to the pleasure of the Prophet's Pinna...(outer ear...and once I tell you my secrets you'll be able to use them to your own advantage...and figure out what pinna means all by your lonesome...lol)...and the Prophet lowered his outstretched upper extremities to quiet the masses...and when silence had once again cloaked the crowd like a fresh blanket of new snow on the first day of winter...the Prophet levelled his wisened gaze upon the hoardes of information seeking onlookers...and uttered this single...solitary...multi-syllabic...icon of the internet...GOOGLE!!!   The throngs thirst for free thinking now tempered thru the passing of common knowledge...mingled momentarily...audibly acknowledging how awestruck they were with it's simplicity...before resuming their tedious tasks in a much more efficient manner...and all was good in the World of What the Hell Were You Thinking!!!

12/21/11

15% of all adults secretly bite their toenails....

Well now...this could be viewed a coupla different ways...only 15% of all adults have enough respect for themselves as well as their peers...to keep this nasty little habit hidden...which in turn would mean that 85% of all adults tear into their toenails...teeth bared...in a public atmosphere...much like a gang of gorillas...it could also be viewed as 15% of all adults are agile enough to get their feet in a position the rest of us couldn't do without subjecting ourselves to some medieval torture technique...or that the 'floaties' among us are starting to become a little brighter and more aware of their surroundings when snack time comes around...ya know...I'm all about NOT paying someone else...or purchasing an extravagant piece of equipment...in order to get a job done...especially when there is a cheaper...albeit...sometimes harder method of accomplishing the same task...but for f*cks sake...clippers are $5 or less...you can hold a bottle drive for 2 hours if nothing else...there are certain personal hygiene tasks that shouldn't be attempted using any part of your mouth...toenail...or fingernail removal are near the top of the list...directly behind licking your nether regions clean like some hairball hackin' cat...and followed immediately by...pickin and lickin the body parts of others...even if clipperrs hadn't been invented yet...grab a damn grindstone...sandpaper...whatever it takes...and use a little elbow grease...grind those puppies down...nothing's quite so unpleasant as seeing someone wearing sandals for the first time come Spring...who hasn't even looked at their feet since snow fell...only to witness one of a handful of individuals capable of ripping the top off a 55 gallon drum with their heinous...rock hard...banana peelin'...bunyan covered...bare ass feet...and here's the real kick in the ass...if 15 % of all adults conduct this method of toenail removal SECRETLY...we wouldn't have a percentage based statistic to refer to...apparently you idiots aren't quite out of the public eye when you decide to perform your oral pedicures...wanna lnow the best way to keep a secret???  Shut your damn mouth...if more than one person knows a secret...it's NOT a secret...it's shared knowledge and therefore is exempt from SECRET status...that has got to be one of the most misused words in the english language...we have SECRET societies...really???  If they're so secret how come we know about them???  we have SECRET documents...that several people are privvy too...yet can't seem to be shared by the organizations working together...FBI...CIA...DOJ...BATF...ring a bell???  We  have SECRET codes in order to transmit messages containing highly sensitive material instantaneously...rather than using a documents courier...but if they were truly SECRET codes...the dumbasses recieving the messages wouldn't know what the smartasses sending them were saying...what this really boils down to is this...out of every 100 co-workers you encounter...15 of them have the dreaded condition known as anti-clipper consumption craving...theres GOOD NEWS tho...a new medical breakthrough has just revealed a cure for this condition...approved for OTC sales by the FDA...it goes by the brand name...SUPERGLUE...apply generously to the red outer protusions of the oral orifice...clamp tightly shut for approximately 30 to 60 seconds...problem solved...habit cured...side effects can include...dry mouth...lack of communication...hunger pains...starvation...and in rare cases death...should NOT be taken by those who are pregnant...or expect to become pregnant this Friday night by copulating with the first person to buy you a drink...consult a physician if you have an eating disorder...as this product may interfere with current prescriptions or dietary measures implemented to assuage said eating problem...do NOT take if you are currently taking medication for ED...are undergoing PMS...or suffer from a dripping lesion you just had tested for STD's...avoid applying more than is necessary to securely shut the orification opening of the effected individual...STOP applying glue if you become faint...have dizzy spells...start seeing spots...have halluinations due to lack of nutrition...or if you think you've seen the light...I would hafta think twice about even shaking the hand of one of these toenail munchin'...technologically tainted tater puffs...they probably wipe their asses with that hand...haven't been down the toilet paper aisle at the local grocery in generations...you can usually spot these nasty bastards a mile away...they have nostril hair that grooms neatly into the mustache...as if it all sprouted from one follicle...deep inside the dark recesses of the nasal cavity...or enough hair pouring from their auditory openings to double as earmuffs under even the most extreme antarctic conditions...penguins envy these prodigies...they wander among us sporting a uni-brow so thick it looks like the grille off a rusted out old '53 Buick...their fingernails are so long and yellow werewolves tremble in fear at the sight of them...they have the body odor of a mud waddling...gas passin'...water buffalo that they try to mask with something that ends up offending the senses and turns the putrid vapor of the musky mammory glands of a mollusk...they create enough natural pomade to make the movie Grease seem like a gentle euphamism...homeless people have better hygiene than these half assed whole-wits...I call them whole-wits,,,because half-wits are expected to be sagaciously slower than the rest of us upright...bi-pedal...earth stompers...and they bathe in public urinals...using the cakes like stick-ups for armpits!!!

12/20/11

Woodpecker scalps...porpoise teeth...and giraffe tails have all been used as money...

Can you imagine if we still used these items today as valid currency...Las Vegas would be a ghost town...less prostitution...less gambling...How wouldja raise a bet playin Texas Hold 'Em...I see your eagle talons...and raise you three beaver pelts...four gator teeth...and a piece of hard rock candy...but it ain't for eatin'...it's just for lookin' thru...(I'll wager 10 toenails maybe 1 outta 10 of ya can tell me what movie those last 3 stanzas are from)...honestly I think the barter system is long overdue for a rebirth...especially on Capitol Hill...I'll trade you my vote for your candidacy...in return for 2 duffle bags full of your leftover hundred dollar bills...seems fair to me considering they aren't worth the paper they're written on...and your term is gonna be as equally worthless when it comes to serving public interest...but seriously...go to a foreign country...preferably one that still operates on it's own currency system...and who's value on the exchange is greatly inferior to that of the American dollar...you'll see bartering escalate to the point of damn near duelling over which vendor is gonna make the sale...that measley exchange...that ends up amounting to about $0.73 American...could mean the difference between leftover rat carcass and hot flavored water...they call it soup...or something resembling a member of the beef family...things were considered more valuable back then...I'm just curious...of the 3 originally mentioned...woodpecker scalps...porpoise teeth...and giraffe tails...which was considered the most valuable...and why???  Woodpecker scalps for instance...I don't know about your neck of the woods...but round here wodpeckers are kinda scarce...and they ain't of the Woody Woodpecker redhead variety...they're of the camouflage variety...blending into the tree they're pecking on with such perfectionism they'd be really damn difficult to hunt...especially during bow season...so they could be considered rather rare...and therefore quite valuable...porpoise teeth...we don't have none of these blowhole breathing...barnacle breathed...butt ugly brothers of the bottlenose dolphin in our 'fresh'water fountain up here...but I suppose if we did we'd have some NoMich moron with the mental equivalency of a mudpuppy floppin' around out in the lakes every Spring like they were either bobbin' for salmon eggs...or handfishin' for that elusive creature...the catfish...and then taking into consideration the difficulty of actually extracting teeth from a live uncooperative critter capable of cruising thru the water with the speed of a cheetah...and you have a pretty good argument for rarity and greater value than that of woodpecker scalps...as for giraffe tails...short of importing live giraffes from the African continent...letting them loose in your back forty...and then stalking your prey for profit...you'd need to book a safari...get a local...barely dressed...bone thru the nose bushman as your hunting guide so he can show you how to sneak up on these surefooted...sagacious...Saharan Steed...now I don't know if you've actually ever witnessed a giraffe protect itself...it uses it's head and neck...swinging both violently in the general direction of it's aggressor...it also kicks with its hind legs...with as much force as Thor's Hammer when he's havin a bad hair day...they also lift up and stomp with their front legs...therefore being the most capable of self defense as well as causing grave bodily injury to any would be giraffe chasing...tail-cutter...pretty good argument for value and rarity here too...kinda makes ya wonder what  other societies or cultures used as financially suitable items of exchange...or how about if your chosen career path determined the items you were allowed to trade...can you imagine the possibilities...we'd eliminate alotta bullshit employment opportunities overnight...where do you think our friends the Sasquatch Hunting...Paranormal Expert...Hypnotists would be???  Right behind doctors...politicians and lawyers in the unenjoyment line...living life in their very own carboard castles...or cardboard casa's...depending on whether or not you're here legally...what if wars between countries were settled thru the exchange of goodwill ambassadors...I'll give you 3 claw-footed...crayon chompin'...underwear covered cranium critters...a handful of half-naked...hair-brained...houdini's...and one big-eared embryonic embarrassment for 2 tongue tied...towel headed...non-terrorist...camel jockeys...and a phlegm hacking...goat gonad gobblin'...yard gnome from Afghanistan...the international currency exchange would look a whole lot different...and now for your bottom ticker on MSNBC...'in the financial world today the French Female Bushel of Body Hair closed slightly lower than the Swamp-assed...sac sweat...of the Southeast American Gator Wrestler...but remains safely ahead of the Armpit Scrapings of Unbathed Eastern Europeans from Poland...while the Raw Fish and Squid Shit Mouth Rinse from Japan is still holding it's own against the Pungent Stench of Pompous Political Propaganda'...the possibilities are endless...right now I would trade a Teflon coated Tub of T-Rex Teeth and Toenail clippings...(don't worry I inherited them from one of my financially astute ancestors...back when the family tree was little more than a trembling...terrified...twig)...for just one BB sized...butt nugget...from a Sasquatch...that dasterdly little dingleberry of a dropping has got to be the most valuable...rarest thing on earth...you could buy whole continents with just a rice paper thin shaving of Sasquatch Shit!!!

12/19/11

If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside the fit will be snugger around your big toe...

You'd hafta be some kinda Einstein to fall for this idiots morsel of misinformation...the snugness of the fit has about as much to do with the placement of shoelaces as the Detrroit Lions hopes of winning a Superbowl rest on the results of the first 6 weeks of the season...it simply doesn't factor into the equation...the snugness of the fit is a direct result of the amount of force utilized in the pulling of the laces themselves...they go thru the eyelet...regardless of direction...wrap around and continue their wayward meandering up the tongue of the shoe...where they are then tugged upon...and snugged to the individuals comfort level...and tied...now...all of you who read the initial tidbit...looked down at your shoes to see which way you threaded your laces...and thought to themselves...'Hmmm...I could getta better fit if I just relace these puppies on my lunch break'...are hereby required to wear neckties to work tomorrow...I will be around to snug them up individually...because apparently having them wrapped around your neck from the outside...as opposed to the inside...results in a much snugger fit capable of the restrictive airflow necessary to purge your simple minds of aimlessly accepting for fact anything read or heard...without taking a moment to consider all the integers of the equation...good lord...you may as well get your open assed anal probing alien pants on...ya half a meatball...those of you conforming to Kevin's Kindred Conscience...and who read that initial statement...began emphatically shaking your head back and forth...side to side...thinking to yourself...'What kinda rectally birthed assbag came up with this f*ckin' fiasco of 'fact'...are all safe to continue swimming at your own risk...continue to be cautious...for there are still 'floaties' bobbing around in the deep end trying to fit in...the fact that shoes are continued to even be made with eyelets...requiring laces...speaks of the duality of man...here we are at the onset of the greatest age of technological advancement in human history...capable of creating a shoe completely void of troublesome laces...and yet here they are...still being sold...bought...and worn by millions...the only people still wearing lace up shoes should be those still watching the nightly news on black and white tv's...now I know alotta you are probably cursing my name..."Sonofabitch...here I am...tapped right out financially...Christmas just around the corner...and now I gotta scrape together enough money for a new pair of laceless shoes...bastard couldn't have picked a better time to enlighten us"...better late than NEVER I always say...but take a look around...somebody you know is wearing a pair of shoes to work today that are laced up...inside to out...or vice versa...and tomorrow they'll show up wearing zippered boots...loafers...or sandals...BE NICE...they probably suffer from PTSD resulting from all the lunches spent in lockers during their formative years in skewl...I can't for the life of me figure out how somebody voluntarily spent time lacing their shoes up...inside to out...then outside to in...over and over again in order to make this statement...once should be enough to clue you in as to the false end result obtained...just what the hell are they teaching our kids these days......what ever happened to research and experimentation to PROVE a theory...giving creedence to it being an indisputable fact...everybody do me a favor...you don't even hafta take off your shoe...just look at it...envision if you will your shoe...absent of laces...notice how the eyelets are equally distant from each other???   Good...now...dig deep within the recesses of your mind...picture a string as it makes its way thru one eyelet from the outside...as the polar opposite end of said string makes its way thru the equally distant eyelet located on the other side of the shoe...GREAT...now you should have 2 similar looking string ends facing each other...grab one...now the other...and pull with whatever force you deem appropriate...notice how BOTH eyelets simultaneously converge towards each other as the string ends are pulled...FAN-F*CKIN'-TASTIC!!!  Now deconstruct that experiment entirely...reverse the process and run the lace ends thru the inside...notice how they seem to be headed in entirely opposite directions...PERFECT...now grab those ends and pull them up together...with the exact same amount of force used in the initial experiment...what do you notice???  Should be two things that become immediately apparent...WOW...these shoes feel just as tight as before...the breaking point of the string...as well as the eyelet...remain constant if manufacturing standards are adhered too...direction of travel is irrelevant...the only difference between lacing your shoes outside to in...rather than inside to out...is residual friction...what I mean by that is this...if you lace from the outside in and draw the strings together then release them they will relax less...making it actually appear as tho the exact opposite of the tidbit is true...WHY???  Because you actually hafta wrap the lace thru the eyelet and pull up...maintaining a firm grip on the eyelet...if you go inside to out...pull the laces snug then release them...they have greater freedom to relax because they do not encompass the eyelet entirely as they do when applied the other way...releasing any residual friction they had with the eyelet...it isn't until after you string them thru the next set of eyelets that they maintain contact with the first pair of eyelets and create the residual friction necessary to make them effective tools of snuggery!!!  I know some of you are probably thinkin'...'Kevin has lost his damn mind...residual friction...he sounds like the idiot brother of the tidbit author...I don't believe he has a clue'...and you're entitled to your opinion...just keep it to yourself...I hate to embarass people perrsonally in front of their peers...but I will when all else fails...LOL...if you think my ideas on the subject are incomprehensibly incorrect...and that residual friction is just a term I made up to appear better educated than my counterparts...give this a try...run the laces thru from the inside out...now grab just one end and pull...WHAT HAPPENED???   That's right the lace slid easily thru both eyelets without a moments hesitation...like shit thru a goose...unhindered...rapidly...and without any extra effort...now run the laces back thru...from the outside in...WHAT HAPPENED NOW GENIUS???  That's right...the laces were far more difficult to remove grabbing just one end and pulling weren't they???  Don't question my authority...I don't work for the government...the only time I will provide you with misinformation...or misguide you on purpose...is when I wish for you to end up in a location FAR FAR AWAY from me...I see things daily that make me weep for future generations...I mentioned one of these occurrences to Momma when she was up this weekend...I saw a few things in my local grocery store that made me wonder just how f*ckin' dumb the general public actually is...things like NATURAL Sliced Almonds...I watch people buy these items...NATURAL PASTA...NATURAL Spring Water...in a bottle...What does NATURAL mean???  Quite simply...things that occur NATURALLY...Almonds do NOT fall from the tree sliced...I've NEVER seen a pasta plant in NATURE...spaghetti doesn't grow on trees...bushes...plants...its a man made product from grains...NOTHING NATURAL about that...Natural Spring Water comes from a Spring...usually resulting in a river...dumping into a lake or ocean...polluted by the industrial ambitions of humans...and it doen't bubble out of the ground bottled...we sell VEGETARIAN Baked Beans...as well as VEGETARIAN Macaroni and Cheese...for f*ckin real yo...seriously...if your leaf eatin...I'm so weak a good fart will blow me across 3 states...garden gnome guru of an ass can't determine the difference between a vegetable and a hunk of flesh...maybe your feeble food conscious mind needs a nice...rare...inch and a half thick slab of animal carcass...dripping in blood as your next meal...it has become apparent to the rest of us that your little Watership Down...rabbit pellet dietary supplements are causing you longer than normal momentary lapses of judgement which cause you to lace your open toed slippers shut the wrong way!!!  I blame the pacifistic members of our world community for these peoples continued existence among us...there was a time in the history of our country when we abandoned those we found unfit for society by pushing them off boats and making them swim to the island of Molokai...unfortunately our planet hasn't enough islands to incorporate these imbeciles...and our forced tolerance of these Titans of the Tiddlywinks Tables continues to this day!!!

12/16/11

Someone within 200 miles of the town you live in claims to have had direct contact with a monster, ghost, or other unexplainable being...

Here we go again...first of all the 200 mile radius claim has got to be a median average...that number grows expotentially the further south you get...and depending on your understanding of prior posts regarding similar info...this is definitely in the 'quite possibly true' category...we've heard from our friends the paranormal experts that humans peak @ ghost sighting capability prior to attaining the age of 7...and I'm pretty sure...whether we know them personally or not...we all have someone 7 years old or younger living within 200 miles of us...except @ the planets opposing poles...where ghosts...monsters...and 7 year olds have no business...the really funny inclusion in this tidbit are the last 3 words..."other unexplainable being"...that incorporates a wide variety of misunderstood...improperly identified 'things'...anyone living within 200 miles of Washington D.C....or Texas...during the 8 year stint of America's greatest wordsmith...undeniably fall into this category...whether they realized it or not...most of these otherworldly experiences come from the sub culture of idiots who wake up one morning to find the likeness of Jesus staring up @ them from their bowl of oatmeal...the underlying problem with all these eerie encounters is...PROOF OF EXISTENCE...the History Channel...one of my favorite viewing formats has a show devoted to a group of monster hunting morons who track down every dumbass Sasquatch story that comes down the pipeline...seriously???  NOBODY has ever found Sasquatch droppings...anything resembling a bedding place for these beasts...leftover carcasses from meals...so either Sasquatches the world over are ultra intelligent...closet clean freak...insomniac...leaf eaters...or...more than likely...THEY DO NOT EXIST!!!  Look how long it took the fucktards @ the Department of Defense to obtain the whereabouts of the enigmatically elusive Osama bin Laden...and they KNEW he was real...you'd have better luck locating the lost city of Atlantis...or the Fountain of Youth...than some fairy tale monster who sprung to life outta some childrens ghost story novel...there are NO Werewolves...NO Vampires...and after the coming of age event known as the 7th birthday...NO ghosts!!!  Now as far as our otherplanetary probing lifeforms who magically appear everytime some redneck gets lost finding his way outta the woods...I doubt very seriously they pose a threat to our existence...otherwise we'd have outfits containing easy access finger slots in the seat area of all our lower extremity clothing apparatus'...I do not doubt that life exists beyond the confines of our planet and it's atmosphere...it goes without question...there are too many unanswered...unproven questions regarding our existence and how we came to be here...I also have NO doubt people all over the world encounter things they cannot explain...I run into it everytime I step beyond the threshhold of my domicile...people who consider it completely acceptable to enter the public eye wearing clothes they couldn't fit in 20 years ago when their more astutely sculptured bodies had a hope of impressing others...I found it completely unexplainable that one of our elected leaders initiated the "No Child Left Behind" act...when it was apparent he failed miserably during the public address/speech making portion of 5th grade english...most of the people who make this claim...to have seen something unexplainable...often suffer from the hallucinatory effects of an illicit substance...alcohol...LSD...opium... or something similar...while others suffer from the mental education most commonly associated with the procreationary puddle of goo you bring into this world after sleeping with your sister/aunt...honestly tho I can't wait for something factual to be caught on camera during one of these ghost hunting... sasquatch finding episodes...it's the sole reason I watch these dumbasses...it'll be epic to witness a bunch of burly...bearded...outdoorsmen running helter skelter thru the woods...shoes...hats...screams...and a stream of shit littering the forest floor behind them...I often wonder exactly what the hell these idiots propose to do should they ever make actual contact with something NONE of us has ever really seen...are they gonna sit down and have coffee...tape an interview...NO...they're gonna do what everyone else who says they've encountered these things does...try like hell to outrun their friends thereby ensuring their own safety at the expense of having to deliver the news that Stevie got swallowed up by a big old hairy Sasquatch...the things people will do in order to acquire their 15 minutes of fame...look it's really rather simple...if your ass is seein' ghosts...monsters...or other unexplainable things in your general vicinity you have 2 options...MOVE and leave no forwarding address...wouldn't want them following you...or get your doctor to adjust your meds...think outside the box...most unidentifiable objects usually just need to be researched more...hell before I knew what a WOK was I woulda  called it a U.F.O....an Unidentified Frying Object!!!

12/15/11

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first U.S. President whose name contains all of the letters from the word 'criminal'.  The second was William Jefferson Clinton...

Well now...isn't that interesting...George Walker Bush on the other hand contains all the letters of the word 'shrub'...an acronym for his last name...as well as a defining example of the individuals intelligence level...unfortunately his middle name wasn't Winston...it would've been far more fitting because then his name would've contained all the letters for 'bugshit'...thereby more effectively describing the ideas that crept into his big...empty...noodle like noggin during his Presidency...is it any wonder that GWB couldn't find WMD in IR...AQ...oddly enough William Jefferson Clinton's name falls 2 letters short of spelling out Monica Lewins(ky)...and George Walker Bush falls one letter short of spelling out Shor(t) Bus...and Richard Milhouse Nixon...one letter short of spelling out Dic(k) Head...and here's something really interesting about the 2 Presidents whose names contain the letters to spell out 'criminal'...Richard Milhouse Nixon...contains all the letters to spell out 'I had sex'...while William Jefferson Clinton contains all the letters to spell out...'I am not a liar'...one letter short from being able to spell out the infamous phrase 'I am not a croo(k)'...now if you combine all the letters from all 3 President's given names you can define each of their Presidential terms...'I steal from others'...I shot a load on her dress'...and 'I can't learn english'...coincidence???  Tricky Dick...Slick Willie...and Dubya...kinda sounds like the original title for Two and a Half Men...if it had been about a coupla STD's and a new term for Dementia...almost reminds me of the story...The Three Bears...one got caught leaving tape on doors...one got caught leaving stains on whores...and one got caught finishing daddy's chores...one couldn't steal the secrets of another party...one couldn't keep the other party a secret...and one is still wondering...what f*ckin' party???  Hell you throw in a bib droolin' peanut farmer from Georgia and whaddaya have???  The Four idiots from Metropolis...Superhuman Stupid...living...breathing...morons of mischief...how retarded do ya hafta be to organize an inside job and forget to include the SECURITY GUARD...that makes about as much sense as trying to rob a bank thru the bullet resistant Drive Thru window...and Billy Boy...WTF were you thinkin'...if you're gonna get caught using the Oval Office as your tramp stampin' suite...do some research...platinum blonde Playboy Centerfolds seem to be the only acceptable excuse for adultery...for Pete's sake...I'd rub one out with 80 grit sandpaper before I'd bang a dumplin' munchin'...double bag Diva...(the second bag is to cover your head with...in case hers breaks)...on the White House desk...I mean...holy shit...I know Hillary's hideous...looks like Great Grandma Death...but if you're gonna abuse your Presidential powers the least you could do is point the business end of your abdominally located appendage @ something the male American public can place in the Spank Bank vault...Monica looked like 5lbs of Jell-O in an 8oz cup...she had more chins than a Chinese phonebook...and as for Dubya...we're still working on a cure for Assholeheimer's...so far surgeons haven't figured out how to reattach the cranial capacitator once it's been systematically inserted into the odorifous exit ramp of the lower intestine...they say ignorance is bliss...if that's true...then there isn't a more euphoric...Utopian...space on earth than that between Dubya's auditory receptacles...of all 3...the one who committed the most heinous acts of criminal mischief was the enigmatic moron from Maine...Dubya denied sleeping with the enemy...'raped' Webster's dictionary...and 'murdered' the English language...and where is he now???   Weeble Wobblin his way around some West Texas White House...this genetically gifted guru went on a massive manhunt for WMD...things which one would be safe in assuming had metal components...in Iraq...a desert wasteland...a treeless tundra...an endless sea of sand...completely void of viable hiding places for anything bigger than a sand flea...and what was the single most important item NEVER to be used in this death defying debacle...a METAL DETECTOR...and why do you suppose that was???  For the same reason you don't book a Panda hunting safari on Easter Island...BECAUSE that shit doesn't exist there!!!  If you have any doubts regarding Iraq's military capability of producing any weapon...let alone one of Mass Destruction...youtube some footage from the first Gulf War...the equipment they used was so antiquated there were cave drawings of Atilla the Hun on their tanks...they had about as much hope of manufacturing a destructive weapon as Wile E. Coyote did of assembling an ACME product capable of catching the Roadrunner...if only ignorance were a crime...poor Dubya woulda been impeached quicker than a pre-ear biting Mike Tyson bout!!!

12/14/11

Some toothpastes as well as some deodorants contain the same chemicals found in anti-freeze...

Okay...so what's next...shampoo's and conditioners with the same chemicals as windshield washer fluid...actually I think this proves a valid point...most things considered harmful can actually have positive effects when taken in moderation...this applies to all things in life...politicians...lawyers...  doctors...in-laws...spouses...children...work...diet...about the only thing I think I could tolerate in abundance would be...silence...you've heard the old saying...Silence is golden...yeah...well duct tape...  a rope...and a duffle bag run about $35.00 @ your local hardware...lol...seriously tho...I could almost buy into the idea that toothpaste and anti-freeze contain some of the same chemicals...they're both produced with the goal of cooling down an otherwise overheated...gas combustion chamber...deodorant on the other hand exhibits none of the cooling down characteristics of the other two...it is more of a masking agent...incapable of preventing sweat...it's sole purpose is to keep you from emitting an aura most commonly associated with unbathed cowboys on a 3 week cattle drive wearin' boots caked with cow shit...I doubt very seriously that either of these personal hygiene items shares a synthetic DNA link with anti-freeze...I know...I know...I hear ya...'But Kevin'...they ask in unison...'what proof do you offer to show this information is false?'...It's simple really...I have several friends who are hick-a-billies...rednecks...whatever you wanna label them...and I have yet to see any of them run a vehicle...piece of farm equipment...or crop-dusting bi-plane using toothpaste and/or deodorant as the main ingredient in the cooling system...and believe me if it were possible...they'da done it by now...and even if it is true...I'm sure it's far less a health risk than the daily intake of food preservatives consumed by the average family...not too mention you'd have a multitude of new products...both for the car...and for the bathroom...Prestone Pit and Patch Powder...guaranteed to keep you runnin kewl under the steamiest of circumstances...Colgate Cheermint Coolant...leaves your car feeling minty fresh and emptied headed...of course...what the hell do I know...@ some point in the history of man...some bib overall wearin'...straw chewin'...barefoot hillbilly looked at an ear of corn and thought to himself...I'll bet if you boil this thing down...add some sugar...some yeast...build a metal contraption...call it a still...and drink the stuff that comes out the other end...you can git real f*cked up...think I'm kiddin'...it was probably one of Larry the Cable Guys relatives...hell I'd settle for Tide Toilet Paper...with stain remover...and maybe some color whitener...make that thing look like Michael Jackson's twin...I do know for a fact that you used to be able to make some pretty potent hooch from anti-freeze and White Wonder Bread back in the '80's...actually saw it done...apparently White Wonder Bread contained the same ingredients as plaster of paris...by pouring the antifreeze thru a loaf of Wonder Bread...repeatedly 4 to 5 times...using a new loaf each time...you would filter the chemicals harmful to humans...and the remaing solution was worse than Rocky Mtn. Moonshine run thru an outhouse still...but it was consumable...and NO...I didn't try it...how many times have ya heard me bitch about the idiots @ Jamestown???  Kevin has a 90 day guarantee about such things...you try it on 3 seperate occassions...@ least 4 days apart...and live for more than 90 days...then maybe...maybe I'll try it...all depends on if me watching you try it...resulted in several million plus hit clips on youtube of things you embarassed yourself with...no sir...you'd no sooner catch me brushing my teeth or powdering my pits with a Prestone product than you would squeezing a tube of Crest with Flavor Crystals down the throat of my radiator if I were stranded on the side of the road in the middle of the desert...this one's 50/50...is it even remotely possible...well hell I guess anything is...Capt. Kirk and Spock used to talk using little flip open communicators...much like our cell phones of today...so yeah...it's possible...but until I see a Monster Truck show with Bubba Buford driving a big ass car crushin' machine sponsored by Aim Anti-freeze with Baking Soda and Peroxide...I'm gonna hold my vote!!!

12/13/11

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...

That is ridiculous...I've NEVER gone to the gym and found an exercise machine for the tongue...they don't exist...you don't see people pushing cars that ran out of gas down the street with their tongues do ya???  If it were the strongest muscle in the body we wouldn't need arms and legs...or a body...we'd all just roll around on our heads...I don't know about you folks but I can easily lift 50+ lbs with either arm...I can't even manage to properly scream in pain if I have 50+ lbs sitting on my tongue...now it may be one of the sharper muscles in the body...able to spit out words that cut like a knife...but as far as being of any use when it comes to actually performing a task requiring brute strength...it's about as useless as Tony Romo is at the quarterback position...(see last nights game against the Giants)...funny side note...I called that game several hours prior to kickoff on my fb status...claiming that Tony Romo and the New York Giants would find a way to defeat my Dallas Cowboys...I even went so far as to say that I would take Lucy from the Charlie Brown comic strip...over Romo as a quarterback...at least you knew she was gonna move the ball...and was I right???   Without question...so much so That I pinpointed the exact play that changed the game and gave New York the opportunity to turn an impending defeat into a narrow victory...and who was the genius behind this play...Tony...I can't complete a pass to my receiver when he's so open they gave him his own zip code...Romo...a 3rd down incompletion with just over 2 minutes to go in the game...when a simple first down would have allowed them to run out the clock and claim victory...(sorry...momentary adult A.D.D.)...and do you think he heard a word I had to say...utilizing the Titan of all muscles...my tongue???  Ever seen these mindless mortals who walk the earth looking like Grandma Moses' pin cushion...more piercings than flesh visible...they look like a Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey reject from your childrens last Birthday Party...next time ya run across one of these absent of intelligence individuals plodding along thru life...stop them and engage them in conversation about their personal choices of anatomical accessories...if they're stabbed with enough pointy objects...find out if they have a tongue piercing...when they stick it out to show it to you...utilize your cat like reflexes...reach out and grab that damn thing and give it a nice hard yank...I'll lay a weeks wages that little 'Wannabe a Warrior' cries like a little baby back bitch...I'm pretty sure they won't even be able to formulate a notion..in that tiny little pea brain of theirs...as to how on earth they're gonna get out of this situation...let alone jerk back with their tongue...exercising it's enormous strength...resulting in your fingers snapping from the sheer force of the incident...NOBODY enters the Strongman Contest...takes the stage dressed in Speed-o's...and stands around droppin different poses to flex their tongue...wouldn't you think that if a body's muscle tone and structure were equally effected thru an individuals use of steroids...that we would have a plethora of wickedly huge...abnormally large...flat foreheaded...no neck...muscleheads...polluting the planet with speech problems that would make 'Ahnuld'...Governor of California...appear to have mastered the English language with honors...spouting out masterpiece monologues like..."Ah'll be back"..."Get to de choppah nowah"...I mean c'mon...Gene Simmons woulda ended up a tongue tied sideshow freak for Barnum & Bailey...instead of the biggest Rock-n-Roll sex symbol of the 70's and 80's...if this were even remotely true don't you think for one minute that somebody with the mental aptitude of Stephen Hawking...a world renowned quadraplegic genius...would have found a better mode of transportation than the confines of a wheelchair...the problem with this little tidbit is that strength is often defined and determined thru visible feats of unimkaginable performance...a characteristic unassociated with the human tongue...I doubt very seriously that thoughout the course of human history anyone has ever encountered another individual who makes them stand idly by...mouth gaping open like the Grand Canyon...gawking in complete amazing disbelief at the abnormally gigantic...well defined shape of their tongue...NOBODY goes to the gym...and during the course of their workout...looks at their weightlifting partner and says..."Holy shit...didja see the size of that guys tongue...'I sure wouldn't wanna piss him off in a dark alley'...me neither...I don't know what would be more embarassing...having people witness my fleet footed escape route from Tommy with the Tongue of Terror...or reading about how I got my ass 'licked' by the Tantalizing Tongue Twister Champion of Toledo...No folks...if the tongue were indeed an item of brute strength...capable of striking fear into the hearts of others...none of us would outgrow the childhood pasttime of sticking them out at everyone we meet...thereby validating our existence as someone to be reckoned with...instead of evolving into the pacifistic sort who generally keep their opinions and comments to an audible level only those in the immediate vicinty can enjoy!  Mark my words...do NOT lend creedence to this misinformation by enlightening others with it as undeniable fact...keep in mind that doing so would only give credit to the idiots among us who are capable of mangling and morphing words known to exist in the english language into something completely incomprehensible to the rest of us unedumacatable bipedal beings...and Dubya would be their savior!!!

12/12/11

There are places in Saskatchewan called Elbow...Eyebrow...and Drinkwater...

Considering that I've been to Saskatchewan when I was stationed @ Minot AFB, North Dakota...I don't find this hard to believe...and they're NOT just names of places in that Canadian Province...they're actually directions...you hafta ELBOW your way thru all the ladies who have lizard skin and one EYEBROW before you can DRINKWATER @ any of the local liquor serving establishments...Saskatchewan is alot like Washington D.C. with it's odd monikers and nicknames for places...for instance in our Nation's Capitol we have places with informative labels as well,,,Asshole Alley...which is reached by walking down the Hypocrite Hallway located in the East Wing of the White House...for a brief period of time during Wild Bill's heydey the 'Oral Office' was also housed in the gated community found @ 1600 Pennsylavania Avenue...and while we're on the subject of odd names...right here in Michigan we have a town called 'Hell'...why the entire state didn't adopt this title is beyond me...I've studied Greek mythology...and if this godforsaken place isn't 'Hell'...it bears a striking resemblance to Hades...as for Saskatchewan...it is home to a whopping 15 cities...they call them cities anyway...but I guess when your ass gets lost that far north...any gathering of more than 2 families would be considered a city...there's also Moose Jaw...a warm little place where the women all look like the long lost unshaven female siblings of Paul Bunyan's Blue Ox...Babe...there's also Regina...pronounced Ruh Gi Na...like Vagina...with an 'R'...so named after the oldest living performing prostitute in the Province...she makes Barbara Bush look like a runway model...there's also a place called Estevan...a misspelled moniker...it should have been spelled Esteban...as it was originally in Hispanic languages...it is named for all the wayward Mexican's who made their border crossin into the U.S. @ night...completely disregarding the sign above the hole in the fence notifying them they had reached the Promised Land...only realizing after the first winter hits that Canada isn't climatically friendly to the warm weather enjoying Latino populace...then there's Flin Flon...notta fuckin' clue...apparently at some point in the history of assinine places to end up...a traveling band of Norweigan Gypsies musta got lost in that neck of the woods...otherwise it just ends up sounding like a phone answering service for dolphins with a lisp...then there's Meadow Lake...Meadow...Lake...Meadow...Lake...say it with me 'til it sinks in...Meadow...Lake...I wonder if it empties into the Grassland Ocean...or maybe it has waves of wheat that gently splash on the shores of Boulder Beach...maybe you hafta get there by walkin thru Sandy Fields...fear not tho my faithful readers...I have begun a petition to rename the entire Washington D.C. area...to something I find all too fitting...and ultra-inclusive of the people who populate that cess pool of political pontification...I was thinking along the lines of Anal Cavity Canyon...can I get an AMEN!!!

12/9/11

The phrase "Rule of thumb" comes from an old English law that stated you could not beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb...

And to quote a line from one of my all time favorite movies..."Boondock Saints"...'well, now, ya can't do much damage with that now can ya...perhaps it shoulda been called rule of wrist'...LOL...if you've never seen the movie, it comes highly recommended...as well as the sequel...but seriously folks...considering some of the laws of other countries that are still on the books to this day...I'm sure you'll agree the 'rule of thumb' law would be considered mundane...for instance there are a couple countries that go beyond cruel and unusual when doling our penalties and punishments...an example...a couple of Middle Eastern countries...where Islamic law is adhered to...and alcohol consumption is considered taboo...a first time offense for Drunk Driving not only lands the accused in jail for life...but if the soon to be imprisoned is married...if he dies while serving his term and his spouse is still alive she must finish out the sentence...the 'rule of thumb' law...as well as many other feminine restrictive laws have been abolished in this country...it is a shining example of a society making progress...however several of the laws we adhered to in the golden olden days that have been laid by the wayside in favor of more compassionate punishments have failed miserably...for instance public executions...somethiing that at one time...in this country as well as others...was extremely effective in curbing further violence...nowadays we sentence them to life in prison...or to death in a few states...and they sit in a cell for decades at the taxpayers expense...filing appeal after appeal...getting nowhere until finally they have exhausted all efforts and been given a date of execution...back in the day if you were arrested for suspicion of murder your ass got locked up...you spent at most a week in jail waiting for the Judge to come around...you were then granted a 2 to 3 day trial...and if you were found guilty your ass was hangin from a rope in the middle of town square for all to see within a couple days of being sentenced...sent a pretty strong message to those who came forth to witness the hanging...and I honestly think that is one area in which we as a society dropped the ball...I mean honestly...consider for a moment a nationally known newspaper covering the story of a serial rapist...a suspect is arrested...placed on trial...found guilty without question thru DNA testing and eyewitness accounts from several of his victims...in today's society this fuckin deviant gets to spend a life in prison at our expense...on my damn dime...and what is the message we send to other would be serial rapists???  That it's okay to commit seriously violent acts towards women and if you end up being caught...the worst that's gonna happen is you get free room and board...no hard labor...time in the yard to exercise...no bills...no responsibilities...other than the jail cell and being restricted to an area within the walls of the prison...it's equivalent to being grounded by your parents...now, on the other hand if we had simply taken a few of the old ideas and expanded on them we could have better served society...take the same situation...only this time upon being found guilty...the rapist is sentenced to...let's say an equally violent act of public humiliation...like for instance having his fifth extremity permanently removed by a miniature version of the guillotine and cauterized with the stump end of Kojak's cigar...air it on every local and national television station Friday nights @ 9pm EST...the rapist is offered no further medical care...no painkiller prescriptions...and is released back into society to fend for themselves the following morning...I'm pretty damn sure one half hour episode of this and the crime rate associated with rape declines by double digit percentages overnight...now I'm NOT saying we should go back to encouraging spousal abuse as a method of trying to achieve a level of marital bliss...but we DO need to take a serious look at what exactly we are allowing to be ingrained into the minds of our children as acceptable these days...I bring this up because of a tragic incident that took place in our little town of East Jordan this past Wednesday which culminated in the suicide death of a 12 year old young man attending the 7th grade...rumors were all too quick to place the blame on the epidemic of our times...schoolyard bullying...now altho I feel for the family involved I must confess I find it extremely difficult to believe this young man chose suicide as an escape simply because of name calling...suicide is quite often the result of a much deeper underlying problem that goes unnoticed or ignored by an individuals immediate peer group...back in the day...hazing...or bullying...was considered almost a right of passage...and most if not all of my generation were sunject to it in one form or another...hell I was a white teenager living in Hawai'i...in the '80's...and for those of you have never experienced being on the receiving end of racial bias...let me be the first to tell you it wasn't all palm trees and paradise...name calling was the least of my worries...protecting myself from physical harm and grave bodily injury by giant sunblocking Samoans and native Hawaiians played a much more prominent role...and even after we returned to the states...verbal assaults on an individual...their family members...as well as their suspected sexuality were commonplace...yet I don't seem to recall even one instance where I or any of my friends considered suicide as an escape route...no...as a matter of fact...if an individual continued to run his mouth recklessly and the recepient determined that they had heard enough the normal course of action was an afterschool altercation resulting in the premature extraction of a few of loudmouth Larry's teeth...or at least the attempt thereof...it did 2 things well...it quieted the offensive asshole making the remarks...and it placed everyone else on notice that you weren't going to condone such nonsense from that day forward...sure egos were bruised...some feelings were hurt...but everyone lived to see the next day...bullying is not the bastard step-child of teenage suicide...societies response to the situation is...we coddle the young...teach abstinence from violence...and endure remorse when a tragedy of this magnitude takes place...TIMEOUT has become the new age punishment...replacing the corporal punishment of yesteryear...you can't lay a finger on kids these days...physical punishment lands a disciplining parent in court on charges of child abuse...and yet silmultaneously we are held responsible for our childrens actions until they turn 18...and our only weapon of discipline is the ever effective TIMEOUT...WTF???  We have given absolute control of how our children act in the future to a group of individuals who aren't even old enough to vote...if you look at the humorous names I utilize to this day to describe certain segments of our population my ass owes the TIMEOUT chair an eternity of denim worn ass patterns...whatever happened to sticks and stones may break my bones but words will NEVER hurt me...how about teaching our children the time honored tradition of beating them at their own game???  I consider myself self educated when it comes to utilizing the English language...seldom...if ever do I engage in a war of words with someone and not come out victorious...simply because I have mastered our vocabulary to such an extent when I am thru with somebody they generally need an hour at the library with a dictionary to find out what the hell I just embarassed them with...but they don't run off looking for a rope or a razor...good lord I weep for future generations...now some might think I condone violence...well...to a point...and under the right circumstances I do...fight fire with fire as the saying goes...

12/8/11

More adults are afraid of spiders than they are of death...

That's more than likely because death isn't an 8 legged creature crawling around in the dark damp corners of the basement waiting to surprise you when you stumble across it...c'mon...if death showed up at your door once or twice a week unannounced...and slashed R.I.P. across the face of it...chances are your lilly white ass would be three times as terrified of death as you are of spiders...and it's NOT 'more adults' who are afraid of spiders...it's the fairer...chair climbing...mice avoiding...banshee shrieking sex that has an insurmountable fear complex with the arachnids...they are for the most part harmless...sure some contain venomous poison that can incapacitate a human...but to my knowledge none of them possess a kevlar exoskeleton capable of withstanding a well placed boot heel...besides...according to researchers...most humans consume...on average...8 spiders annually...now consider for a moment your age...multiply that by the number 8...go ahead I'll wait...I know a few of you are probably digging out the old abacus just to make the calculation...(whistles while he waits)...good got your answer...mines 352...multiply that by 8 again...to account for the individual legs and whaddaya get...2,816...scrumpdillyicious arachnid appendages I have swallowed...a virtual smorgasbord of spider legs...tasty...and yet I'm still alive and well...freezin my ass off in Northern Michigan...and I rest assured had death had the same characteristics as the spider...swallowing one would be enough to get the job done right the first time...I guess I've never quite understod an individuals eternal fear of something...anything really...not that I haven't been scared before...or experienced the sensation of bein afraid...but not to the point I carry it with me the rest of my life...I got bit by a dog once when I was younger...developed a fear of all dogs in general...then all the sudden I ended up bringing a little stray home one day...poor helpless thing was just wandering the streets...lookin lost and scared...came right over when I opened the car door...took it home asked if I could keep it...had it a month or so before it got some weird illness and keeled over on me...used to be absolutely...knock me out with enough drugs to kill a small village...terrified of needles...the last time I got a shot without being strapped to the table and manhandled by every available hospital employee...I felt the needle go in...jerked back so hard and violently it ripped right down my arm...across my hand and exited near the middle of my second or third finger...I carried that fear for quite awhile...until during a youth league football game I went to throw a pass...got my hand caught in the defensive ends facemask and contorted my right thumb into something that resembled a ladder...dislocated both joints...OUCH!!!  Went to the hospital for that...doc took x-rays...came back...gave the prognosis nothing was broken and we just needed to 'pop' them back into place...he then proceeded to pull out a needle...needless to say we had a brief conversation about where exactly that needle could be stuck...@ which time he informed my momma she might wanna wait out in the hall because it was about to get rather loud in the room very shortly...Mom made her way into the hall...the doc asked if I was ready...I shook my head yes...he grabbed...twisted and shoved my thumb...I'm still not sure what was louder...my agonizing scream of pain...or the endless echo of it which can probably still be heard there today...once the pain subsided and I regained my composure the best I could...I reflected on the moment with the doc..."That wasn't so bad" I said..."that was the lower knuckle...easier to relocate...it's the next one...this upper one that's gonna cause you the most pain"...(tires screeching to a halt)...Hold up...wait a minute...did you just say you only got one and that the next one is gonna even worse???  Fear of needles...resolved...now I myself don't have a fear of spiders...I don't have them hangin around...kept as pets...but I'm fairly confident that even if I had a paralyzing death grip of fear over these little creatures I could strive to overcome it briefly in order to exterminate the pesky little insect and get on with my day...some fears are developed thru adhering to misinformation...or because of a lack of knowledge associated with the subject creating the fear...you'll see a whole shitload of these fart sniffin ree ree's crop up here shortly...they'll be standing on street corners holding up cardboard signs proclaiming the End is Near...Doomsday is upon Us...Advertising 101...if you wanna be taken seriously...don't use black Sharpie and cardboard to try and get my attention...and you should always include a sale price in your little placard...people like to know how much something is before they read what you're offering...now as far as our little 8 legged friend the spider...MTFU for a minute...pretend you're a T-Rex on the hunt for candied cavemen and stomp on that little buggers head...now twist your foot back and forth for good measure...just to make sure it is in fact dead...if you're at home grab some paper towel and remove the remnants from the accident site...if you're in a public place just keep walkin...mutter a few things to yourself..slap the side of your head a few times...then announce to any would be onlookers..."All circuits are normal, operational and functional to the best of their ability Captain"...do it using your best Scotty impersonation...they'll think you're a recently escaped Trekkie from the Tower of the Treminally Insane...and they'll clear a path Moses only dreamed of having during his Red Sea campaign!!!  Seriously tho people...Death is the only thing any of us should fear...or at the very least be apprehensive about...it is after all the great unknown...it is inescapable and permanent...from the moment we are concieved we begin a slow steady march towards impending death...can't run from it...can't hide from it...can't trick it into taking someone else in your place...can't reason with it...whether you accept it when it comes...or fight it like penicillin against an STD...death never loses the battle...it is undefeated in it's field of operation...runs a monopoly on the subject it is named after...and isn't racially biased...it has no safety lines...no phone a friend...no polling the audience...no eliminating 2 of the 4 multiple choice answers...Death...it is the final answer Regis!!!  I have no doubt that if you took a person who claims to fear spiders more than death and give them the choice...walk blindfolded thru a basement crawling with all sorts of prickly haired...long legged...beady eyed spiders...or drink a gallon of this delicious Jamestown Juice...the line outside the basement door is going to be significantly larger than the one at the Kool-Aid stand!!!

12/7/11

Eucalyptus leaves contain a narcotic...That cute little Koala lives out most of it's life stoned...

Really???  Take away the Eucalyptus Leaves...and being cute...me and them Koalas could be kin...I keed I keed...what was I sayin???  Oh Yeah!!!  That Koala wouldn't stand a chance...lol...no but seriously...who woulda thought ...in the Who's Who in Drug Experimentation that the Koala would out trump the likes of Dennis Hopper...Jimi Hendrix...Jim Morrison...Tommy Chong...Charlie Sheen...and Dubya...(holds out one finger...gimme a sec...listens to whisper of inner voice [don't judge me...some people think that inner voice is God...I happen to think it's just me fuckin' with myself...sounds like me anyway] eyes light up as if the light just came on...or the fog dissipated)...Whaddaya mean Dubya wasn't stoned for the better part of both terms???  It retrospect it sure would explain a helluvalot...I'd sleep easier believing we were all massively duped by a cleverly disguised Koala...using mass hypnosis to prey on our societal pulse...by confusing the minions with utterifications that would make the laziest...couldn't give a shit less...English teacher cringe at the very auditory challenge of deciphering these colliquial concoctions into something they can associate with a half assed definition...than to think we as a country elected the poster boy for the Pro Choice Platform...not once but twice...poor damn Koala deserves to be stoned most of it's life...it hasta be confusing to be referred to as a bear...and yet also possess the traits of an herbivorous marsupial...folks I give you the hermaphoditic high on of the animal kingdom...the Koala...now when I first read this I hafta admit I was a bit stumped...why on earth aren't the rest of us gobbling up eucalyptus leaves...or some derivative thereof...odd thing really...it appears the eucalyptus leaves only have this effect on Koalas...it is has also been speculated that this leaf munching marsupial can differentiate between poisonous and non poisonous plant life...which makes one wonder...what else could we learn from our furry little friend of the forest???  Probably nothing...narcotics usually cause humans to drool excessively upon their bibs...oblivious to their surroundings...they wouldn't know poison if they were licking it from a glue trap for mice...Koala-1...Humans-0...Koala recognize poisonous plant life and know how to avoid it...Humans recognize poisonous plant life...and yet they seem to roll around in it til they're so covered with infectionous scabs they hafta hose themselves off in the shower after droppin the kids at the pool...(takin a shit...I could just see some of ya scratching your heads...lol)...  Koala-2...Humans-0...Koalas care for their young about 1 year...6 months in the pouch...6 months on the back...Humans care for their young for 18 years...6 to 7 years on the hip...11 to 12 years up the ass...Koalas 3...Humans-0...and they say we are the intelligent species...we could learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom...like once ya get them walkin...put them to work...cut 'em loose on the world...hell most of them could make a better living...up to the age of 7...as paranormal ghost finding experts...most will have illusions of granduer...aspire to become President...attend an esteemed collegiate institution like MSU...fall short of achieving their goals and settle for a life of..."Do you want fries with that?"