02/01/12

A person uses approximately 57 sheets of toilet paper a day...

I can only assume this statistic was developed by a numerologist who has NEVER used a bathroom outside their own house...recent studies conducted personally appear to suggest 57 sheets of toilet paper is the approximate usage per sitting for each individual...all a logcal person need do is venture into a public restroom facility...our fine friends at Wally World should suffice...I can't count the times I've entered one of these fine establishments to conduct a daily constitution only to find that all but one stall is actually serviceable...while the remaining majority seem to be affected by previous poop purveyors suffering from excessive paper removal processes...I normally approach these stall doors in my best S.W.A.T. team tactical manuevers...sneaking up on the closed door...before applying the heel of my boot to gain access...only to witness a pedestial pile of paper protruding skyward in an attempt to achieve altitutdes greater than the seat height of the particular porcelain throne within...this however may be a direct result of the grade of paper being offered...quite often dubbed John Wayne Toilet Paper...rough and tough...doesn't take shit off nobody...this stuff is so thin 57 sheets is the bare minimum required to keep a finger from poking thru at the most inopportune moment...thereby complicating matters for the forlorn soul seeking a solution to his exit strategy...anyone who has gone thru the tedious teachings of toilet training their offspring can attest to the falsification of 57 sheets as a daily statistic...hell I have 2 teenagers living with me...and altho clogging of the commode is no longer a 3 to 4 times a week adventure it goes without saying that the two-ply sheets of double mega-rolls I purchase in packages so big I hafta build a seperate shed just to house them...last approximately half a day...and mind you one attends school while the other holds down a full time job...so it's not as if they are confined here all day...and yet on the few occassions I happen to enter the fecal flushing compartment of our domicile to find a commode clogged with enough paper to make the plunger sprout feet and run...NOBODY seems to recall having left something Paul Bunyan couldn't dislodge with a chainsaw...I'd consider installing a bidet if I didn't think it would result in the necessary incorporation of obtaining flood insurance...however considering the excessive amount of wadded wiping waste currently utilized I doubt seriously attaching a fire hose would be sufficient in delivering the required cleanliness desired by those I share residence with...makes me wonder why the fine folks at GE and Kohler haven't gotten together and designed an internal shitpaper shredder...a combination blender/toilet...Frappe before you flush...put the settings buttons on top of the toilet lid...it'll keep the Floaties from flingin poo all over themselves in a public place...include a Pulverizing Puree option for anything consisting of more than half a roll of TP and something that looks like the foreleg of an African Elephant...problem solved...personally I have NEVER bothered to take an accurate count of 4X4 squares I utilize at any given time while tanking a turd...yet I dare say the female gender uses significantly more than 57 squares a day...as every single trip to take a tinkle requires the individual in question to utilize a handful of wadded wiper material...unless of course you prefer the drip dry technique more commonly reserved for unexpected outdoor adventures...I can't for the life of me figure out where the number 57 came from...it's an odd number with only 3 factors...the numbers 1...3...and 19...so the math doesn't really add up...either a person shits once a day...undoubtedly creating a catastrophic clog that could take weeks if not months to overcome with a plunger...a snake...and several sticks of dynamite...or they go on average 3 times a day using 19 squares per sitting...not quite as daunting...but still excessive...or they go 19 times a day and have an OCD complex about overusage of toilet paper...requiring no more than 3 squares per sitting...DON'T SHAKE THEIR HANDS!!!  They could be using Triple ply...double stacked...industrial strength sandpaper and I guarantee you 3 squares isn't gonna be thick enough to prevent digital penetration of the poop paper...hell some of the manufacturers have even stepped up their game and designed scientific crapper keepers...having grasped and incorporated theories surrounding Black Holes...where the simple act of engaging the flush handle creates an atmosphere from which NOTHING can escape...normally accompanied by the ear splitting sound of a jet engine preparing for lift off...and yet still the problem of over paperlating the toilet in a crap filled collage permeates all earth bound confinement facilities of fecal disposal management...perhaps PAPER is no longer the solution to the situation...and yet there doesn't appear to be another viable medium of butt mudd removal...I mean we can't all go out in the yard for a few minutes after we're done and rub our asses across the lawn like some worm infested housepet now can we...makes for an embarassing moment at next Sunday's church social now don't it...and I dare say you'd be excluded from any neighborhood Super Bowl parties this coming weekend...so ultimately it's up to each of you individually to pre-determine your lower abdominal hygiene tactics...suffer Super Bowl Sunday alone...your lawn will look absolutely gorgeous what with all the new fertilizer...or continue the time honored tradition of wondering how somebody used more paper to procure a clean poop chute than it did to publish millions of copies of War and Peace...may your endeavors of anal cavitatious cleansing provide you the opportunity to explore becoming a respected member of society as opposed to enhancing the outlook sure to fall upon you should you choose ambling anally across the front lawn in an effort to alleviate unclogging the communal caca chamber in your castle!!!

1/31/12

It's against the law in Thailand to leave your house not wearing underwear...

I find this simply fascinating...Thailand...home of industry standards surrounding child sweat shops...human trafficking...sex slaves and mail-order brides of Asian Frankenstein's...what possible good does enforcing the wearing of underwear outside the house present...I for one will NOT be visiting Thailand anytime soon...the last thing I wanna do is end up on an episode of LOCKED UP ABROAD...I can just see it now...the plane lands...everyone disembarks...gets in line for customs inspections...they screen my baggage...and some tyrant of Thailand's TSA notices there isn't a single undergarment apparent in my luggage...I get pulled out of line...taken to some dark back room...strip searched...and jailed for NOT having underwear on...I get locked up...it takes 5 years to finally get someone from the American Embassy involved...I get a trial date...get convicted...sentenced to 25 years...decades float by while appeal after appeal gets rejected...I get released 27 years later for good behavior...and before I can make it safely on a plane they arrest me again for NOT buying underwear and putting them on before going to the airport...NOT how I envision spending my remaining years...from what I can gather...the donning of underwear prior to exiting a personal abode in Thailand is equivalent to being Big- Eared...Empty Headed...retarded...and winning the Presidency...it does NOTHING but confuse the rest of the population...who are either pole-dancing for peanuts...slaving away in some sweat-shop with barely a scrap of cloth resembling a T-shirt...standing on a street corner soliciting tourists for sex wearing considerably less than a pair of underwear...or posing naked for a mail-order bride e-catalog...I'd be surprised if anyone in Thailand could identify a pair of underwear in a line-up...I imagine a pair of tighty whities in Thailand would be akin to a set of false teeth in Cajun Country...something shared by the entire community...usually annotated on a collective calendar in the town hut...entitling the days owner to one...out of house experience per month...and with the crime rate such as it is in beautiful law-abiding...underwear incorporating Thailand...I doubt it would be long before somebody got wise enough to hold the community skid-mark material hostage...making it impossible for the other members of the village to ever leave their huts...seriously tho folks...one thing bothers me about this little law from Thailand more than anything else...it's too vague...it doesn't stipulate how...or where...an individual must wear these restrictive undergarments...so...for those of you with the mindset of vacationing in Thailand...taking in all the seedy sites of their netherworld...I would suggest you place your choice of hip hugging privacy protectors over...or outside...your regular street clothes...sure you'll look ridiculous...the natives will undoubtedly recognize you as a tourist...but you shouldn't hafta worry about being subjected to street-side strip searches by local authorities looking for a little kick back to supplement their soiled shorts inspection program...we have similar laws lacking any form of lucidity here in the states...I just read an article this past week...and NO I'm not gonna fumble thru a weeks worth of news feeds to find it again...suffice to say there are a plethora of these same sex marriage morons in one of our states who are just appalled that they can't get the anti-sodomy statute off the books...here's an idea...STOP wastin' your time and money trying to get it overturned...keep your shit in the closet...so to speak...and NO I'm not endorsing homophobic practices...to each their own...I can't for the life of me figure out what makes a male entity stare at another guys hairy ass-crack and think...'Damn I sure would like to ride that like a bucking buffalo at Wild Bill's Rodeo and Reverie'...nor do I possess the desire to be privvy to the inner workings of their sexual appetites...the military has a great program in place...DON'T ASK...DON'T TELL...lesbians on the other hand...completely different story...and don't let your significant other fool ya...he may say...'Ewww...that's gross...how can women do that'...hell he may even utilize corresponding facial expressions to signify his disapproval...truth of the matter is...if you showed up at home tonight with a bi-sexual girlfriend and explained to him...in no uncertain terms...that you and Megan Fox were going upstairs to engage in an activity involving each others forbidden fruits...1 of 2 things will happen...he'll either stand by his story and act disappointed...walk off into the other room displaying tumultuous expressions of emotions...while he secretly waits long enough to call all of his buddies and excitedly explain how he has come to the conclusion you are his soul-mate...or he will abandon all episodes of being sexually offended by the circumstances...and crawl...beg...and plead for front row seats like a fat kid in a candy store without a dime to his name...however...for friends and family...should you...at some point in your life...take the time to visit Thailand...do yourselves a favor...do all of us a favor...click on this link...it is one of my favorite songs of all time...and directly applies in a round-about way to our tidbit   http://youtu.be/ahlWufJqcSQ   you will not be unsatisfied as this song touches on a lot of different things I mention throughout my tidbits...unfortunately the comedian who lent his voice to this lyrical rant has since passed...(R.I.P. Greg Giraldo)...but the words...altho hilarious...hold a basic truth as to what is wrong within our society...as well as socities around the world...Thailand...obviously included...insane...archaic laws...rules...and stipulations we all must muddle thru in order to have some sort of semblance in our daily lives...just remember...when travelling abroad...in Thailand...the wearer of the cloth crap keeper is KING!!!

01/27/12

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction...

How enlightening...another math major in the works...I suppose China's Census Bureau must be ecstatic...don't hafta run around collecting numbers to formulate population figures...since Chinese people...who, as we mentioned in an early blog this week, are required by law to apply for and be approved in order to procreate, have already 'fucked' past infinity...(I encourage you all to pul up youtube...search for Shift Happens...and take a gander at some of the things 99.9% of the earths population are unaware of)...2 countries are on the rise...China...and India...or Communists and Customer Service Call Center Towelheads waiting for their Taliban counterparts to call them to Jihad...how awesome is that???  If either...or both...of these countries decide to become a world player in global domination...we are SCREWED...with that many people available you don't need any weapons...you just line them up and march forward til your enemies run out of bullets...then it's Kung-Fu and Goat slayin Slingshots against empty guns...I would even venture to suggest that if they had a mind too...they could breed all other ethnicities out of existence...thankfully the Chinese seem to be years from discarding hog's hair toothbrushes...so their foul smelling decayed cabbage...raw cat's and rat's breath should keep most foreigners from even considering wetting a noodle in one of their females won-tons...the Indians...(dots NOT feathers)...suffer a similar Bull testicle sweat smell emitting from every single pore of their bodies...makes me wonder if they don't roll around in the shit...kinda like an animal will do when it comes upon a dead carcass...filthy camel ass lickin' cow worshippers anyway...I don't know the answer to solving this overpopulation problem...we obviously can't just round up both groups of people and force them to all live in some convoluted concentration camp...we'd end up with a buncha Chindians or Indianese half breeds runnin around...then what the hell would we do...we can't have the cowherding crimson spots and dots trying to fold laundry...while the numbah wan hairless baboon faced westawant owners decide to try their hand at answering international customer complaints...now can we...yet it won't be long before the size of each countries population extravaganza is uncontainable within their established borders...eventually they'll both hafta expand the size of their countries in order to accomodate all their offspring...it honestly boggles the mind when you think about it...here in America both sexes...male and female...search for a sexual partner that is satisfying...beautiful to the eye...and pleasant to the other senses...touch...taste...hearing and smell...yet we are 3rd on the global reproduction rankings...either I'm missing something...or raw fish...and goat semen are far more powerful aphrodisiacs than anything Tommy Hilfiger or Versace has ever poured into a bottle...WTH...I doubt I'd last a day with a feminine subject from either sector...how on earth can a person be expected to concentrate on copulating with all that raw sewage smell seeping out of their sexual prospect...my god...I'd hafta cover my own body in elephant excrement just to be able to walk into the same bedroom with one of these...'basking in ball sweat and bull shit' beings...and with my luck they'd mistake the dry heaving gag reflexes emitting from the core of my body as some sort of Western response to sexual gratification...NOT a pleasant thought...I mean holy shit...I've floated a few pungent poots in public...caused a few eyes to water...blamed it on someone else...but daaaaaaaaaaaaamn...how can they NOT smell themselves...I don't get it...if I had to run around smellin' like that for more than a day...I'd robe myself in so many garlic cloves you'd think I was advertising a new anti-venom for vampire bites...ya know there are a lotta places I'd like to go visit...things I'd like to see...the Pyramids in Egypt...(after they get their shit under control)...the statues on Easter Island...(they seem to have their shit as together as it's gonna be...since there aren't many people left)...Stonehenge...Ireland...(altho I fear I wouldn't be able to leave once I got there)...the Galapagos Islands...Australia...the Colosseum in Rome...I'd like to go to Greece...see a few of the things there...like the narrow path where the real 300 made their stand...hell I've been to the Pinnacles...as well as the Petrified Forest...(a daunting...spooky...haunting name...one that makes the arriving tourist believe they are in for a stretch of woods even the Big Bad Wolf wouldn't venture thru if Red Riding Hood was a titty tassled temptress on the other side)...and folks lemme tell you if you've NEVER had the gumption to go gander at either of these 2 sights...I believe Momma has the necessary travelling arrangements should you require them...here's a little forewarning...Petrified Forest...is a really enticing way to say 'Rocks'...or...'Boulders'....in the middle of the desert...the Pinnacles, however...are gorgeous...they are two of the most awe-inspiring rocks you'll ever see leaning against each other in the middle of absolutely nowhere...(I love ya Momma...if I hadn't had those experiences early on in life I wouldn't know how to spot them and avoid them now...LOL)...and yet with all that being said...I would plan a vacation to some godforsaken corner of our planet...like Antarctica to watch albino dung beetles battle it out building snowballs...before I'd set foot in either China or India...there isn't a damn thing worth wading thru multitudes of 'more than methane' emitting mongol headed meat sacks...NOT even if I stuck cottonballs soaked in skunk shit so far up my nose it made my eyes perpetually water...it isn't worth it to me...don't get me wong...I love egg rolls and I've tore up a Slurpee or two in my time...but I can get that shit here and limit the amount of time I hafta hold my breath while doing it...and here's a little NEWS FLASH for both countries...CHINA...the government sanctioned birth control program you have in place...has obviously failed...fix it before you hafta move the Great Wall...INDIA...learn from CHINA's mistake...implement some sort of sexual restraint...there is NO WAY IN HELL we are going to be able to employ you all in Call Centers and 7-11's...start eating your young...do somethin'...if all else fails...invade Sparta...didn't work out so well for the last group...but hey...if you're victorious...you'd at least have a cliff to throw your offspring off of...OH SHOOT ME...don't sit there gasping for air...bewildered that I would suggest such a thing...unless you wanna end up purchasing Rosetta Stone so you can learn Mandarin and whatever the hell those goat herders gaggle over there in Calcutta...you better hop on board in a quick hurry...seats are fillin up fast...and this trains about to pull outta station...LOL!!!

01/26/12

In 1990 there were 15,000 vacuum related accidents...

Tragically humorous...I have no doubt 14,999 of these purported vacuum related accidents are 'suffered' by compromising male spouses...I'll let ya in on a well guarded American male secret...if you screw up enough while appearing eager to assist with the housework...eventually you will be released of all household chores once the missus becomes irritated with following behind you doing things the right way...we employ this tactic covertly...usually when we are left alone in a certain quadrant of the shared domicile...in anticipation of being relegated to the yard to take care of more manly endeavors...mowing the lawn...raking leaves...appearing busier than we really are in a concentrated effort to occupy our time while the actual housework is being completed...the dumber we appear...the less we will be asked to partake in...and if this isn't the underlying reason behind this tidbit...then I blame YOU...my faithful followers...for NOT sharing the valuable insight often dictated in these blog posts...there are apparently 15,000 people with an unaware need to spend a moment or two reading along beside you...how the hell do you injure yourself with a vacuum cleaner???  I sold Kirby's for a little over 2 years and I NEVER once had the pleasure of witnessing a vacuum related accident...if you appeared to ignorant to grasp the simple operation of a floor cleaning utensil I wouldn't even bother to ask if you wanted to buy one...you could beg me all the way out to the van...offering double the price...and I'd have the foresight to deny you and save myself exhaustive litigation procedures...for Pete's sake...it's a 5 step process...plug vacuum in...(That's the power source...it makes effective...efficient operation possible)...turn vacuum on...(there should be some sort of ON/OFF switch readily available...you'll know if it's in the right position by the ensuing noise emitted)...push vacuum back and forth across desired areas requiring cleanliness...(careful to keep all appendages safely away from the opening that should be facing the floor...also a necessary consideration when operating said dirt removal device...it helps immensely if you have the vacuum in the proper upright operational position)...once you have obtained a personally approved condition of carpet cleanliness...turn vacuum OFF...(remember that little switch that breathed life into the machine...flip it the other way...things should become noticeably less noisy)...unplug the vacuum from the outlet...(this insures accidental operation of the ON/OFF switch as well as undesired operation of the vacuum is avoided)...if these directions are followed accordingly you should finish your floor  cleaning chores without incident...which should come as a huge relief...the last thing you wanna hafta do is explain the code 3 response of your local ambulance arriving in your driveway...and the life saving techniques incorporated by the responding paramedics...all because your dumbass couldn't concentrate on the mind-boggling methods associated with correctly incorporating a vacuum in your daily house cleaning duties...seriously...unless you wanna show up at the Thursday night Tupperware party...or Friday night Poker with the boys...sporting an eyepatch...and explaining how you blinded yourself fighting a running vacuum cleaner over a sucked up bobby pin...pay attention...I'm offering sound...solid advice...if you even think you might inevitably injure yourself while attempting to understand the machinations of your cheaply built air sucking...soil pounding solution to sand removal...do yourself a huge favor...give the nice people at ServiceMaster a jingle...they're professionally trained to tackle these otherwise daunting tasks for a small...embarassment saving service fee...and just for good measure you may wanna consider joining the recently resoundingly successful logical...cognitive thinking Cinammon sniffing subjects who appear quite capable of mastering the death defying acts of floor sweeping electrical entities...and for the love of god...country...and family...keep away from the broom closet until your feeble little frontal lobe becomes clouded in a fog of that very same cinammon dust...I'm sure all concerned would rather witness you sneeze flavored toppings on breakfast toast...than to endure the audacious events surrounding your stay in County General Hospital's ICU ward...awaiting the prognosis of your full recovery following 14 months of physical therapy associated with Terminal Carpet Cleaning Catastrophes!!!  Facts like this tend to lend creedence to China's procreation policy...some of those among us are in desperate need of being chemically castrated...or at the very least systematically and repeatedly tested prior to issuing a license to have a sexual encounter with something other than a silicon based substitute...maybe the biblically credited quote...'Go forth and multiply'...was a reference to furthering mathematically educational resources...instead of a call for the saddle brained semen shooters to populate the earth with stupid resemblances of themselves...if you happen to find yourself in the unfavorable position of being a statistic in this category...'Go forth and Masturbate'...leave the population problem to those of us less prone to accidently injuring ourselves doing the mundane duties associated with daily house cleaning...sure,,,the possibility exists that your family name will become a forgotten footnote in the annals of human history...but it sure beats the hell out of ending up a globally expressed euphemism for failure...'Man did you hear about the guy down the road who lopped off his own foot with a pair of toenail clippers...he sure BUSH'ed that up pretty bad'...go ahead...laugh now...wouldn't be so funny if it were your family name being substituted for ignorantly engaged efforts resulting in personal physical damage tho would it...sometimes it is far better that an individual appear completely clueless about a particular subject than it is for them to put their best foot forward...thereby removing all doubt!!!

01/25/12

The nursery rhyme 'Ring around the Rosey' is a rhyme about the plague...infected people would get red circular sores...(Ring Around the Rosey...)

Ya know it's funny the things ya learn about once you breach adulthood and begin to explore things yourself...there isn't a kid alive...back then...or antime since...who has recited these lyrics and had a clue as to what they meant...I'm pretty sure I didn't...it was a nursery rhyme coupled sang while holding hands in a circle...and spinning around til we...'all fell down'...little did we know that we were being taught the fine art of 'hazing'...that time honored...institutionalized tradition that is only now coming under fire...see the problem here...I'll guarantee you with damn near absolute certainty almost every child in America has been taught this song...without the benefit of knowledge necessary to realize this little tune and accompanying game were in fact a morbid attempt at poking fun of people doomed to die...there was no cure for this epidemic...the only reason it came to an end at all is because of the Great London Fire...which killed off the rats carryin the disease...yet the dunderheads of the day thought it better to drum up a little lyric to teach their children how to cope with diseased people in their neighborhood...NOT one single person had the ingenuity to realize...FIRE was the cure to decimating this deadly disease...and guess what???  FIRE appears to be the 'end all...be all' answer to everything in existence...including disease...lemme guess...some of you need more proof...here's a great example...get up...right now...gett outta your chair...walk from behind your desk...go to the nearest window...now tilt your head skyward...notice that big...bright...shimmering...ball of FIRE we call the SUN...it is completely disease free...guaranteed...no scientific experiment necessary...no disease...never has been...never will be...want a closer to home example???  Perfect...I thought you might...so I came prepared...stop on your way home...local hardware...or big box superstore...doesn't matter...buy yourself a small handheld gas torch...take it home with you....head straight to the bathroom...I don't care how anal you are with bathroom cleaning habits...this place is crawling with bacteria...(see Mythbusters episode about fecal matter permeating the atmosphere)...even if you just spent thousands of dollars on a brand new Turdmeister 2000 terlet...shit doesn't just happen...it splatters...now...grab something in the general vicinity...say...you're favorite hog's hair toofbrush...if you seriously wanna subject this little tooth cleaning tool to Electro Spectro Cardigraphs...or what-the-fuck-ever they use to conduct excrement escaping experiments...be my guess...it's your money...the results are gonna be the same...there's fecal matter on your flouride scrubber...trust me...now light that handheld torch...and please by all means...keep the lit end away from your face...I need a lawsuit like Wimpy needs another hamburger...once you have the flame dialed in correctly...the nice blue glow...touch the flaming end to your toothbrush...don't just wave it across from one end to the other...hold it there til the chemical composition begins to deteriorate...(til it melts...in other words...for you non-scientifically astute few)...pay close attention...if you do this right...you'll need to go out and buy a new one as soon as everything drips into a plastic puddle of proof on the sink counter...startin' to see the light...FIRE is a great utensil to be used in the immediate termination of germs...bacteria...disease...it's exteremly under-rated for medicinal purposes...and is often mis-used when applied to disease controlling efforts...take for instance the Great Earthquake and subsequent FIRE of San Francisco of 1906...didn't do a thing for disease control...now I know most of you are wondering...'What does that hafta do with this topic...if it didn't cure an epidemic disease...what possible insight could one obtain?'...Timing...1906 was about 74 years too early...AIDS didn't punch a hole on the societal scene until the '80's...you move that FIRE back to 1986...AIDS woulda been a footnote in some Journal of Medicine seldom checked out at the hospital library...how about the Great FIRE of Chicago in 1871...again...Timing...much too early to do any good...the Mafia hadn't migrated that far West yet...move it to the 1930's...organized crime would have been contained to the upper East Coast...a problem we could easily rectify by selling that section to Canada for future use in their UFO launch pad program...FIRE expunges areas of all kinds of deathly related things...and actually is the first step in rebirth for most living things...unfortunately NOT the born-again Christian crowd however...it should be...but alas...for every rule there is an exception...FIRE rid the world of witches back in the good old days of Salem...stands to reason it could just as effectively ash up a few anal plunging AIDS spreading butt pirates wouldn't ya think...sure it's barbaric...but then again we live in a day not far removed from treating outcasts cruelly...still happens in certain sectors of overseas societies...if waterboarding terrorists is acceptable as long as we do it in Cuba...I don't see what harm flaming a few closet queens can do...the spin doctors fo mass media are sure to give it a nice twist...bury it in some back pages paragraph next to the Obituaries...barely noticeable and easily forgotten...hell I know a few diseased bastards in D.C. that could use a torching or two...and NO I don't mean Dubya...altho NOT a born again Christian...apparently FIRE can't fix Stupid on such a magnificent scale!!!

01/24/12

Every year an igloo hotel is built in Sweden that has the capacity to sleep 100 people...

This one is true...seent it on one of them historigraphical type shows I sometimes watch...ya know...this is one of them things ya might wanna research a little bit before ya go divin' right into...I know the concept of spending an evening in an igloo hotel is rather endearing...some things ya might wanna consider before buying Frommer's Guide to Sweden's Igloo Inns...it is GD cold in Sweden...in the Summer...so I can't imagine how bitterly embracing the weather must be come full Winter...when Igloo hotels are often built...a wool lined sleeping bag...a coupla bear skin rugs...and maybe a fat old boy or two...ya know the kind that could keep ya nice...warm...and toasty even on those nights when the blizzard blows thru like a mad bastard on a bender...I'd also invest in a few various cans of opaque spray paint...as you may come to find out that everything...walls...doors...and windows...are made out of ice...and ice as we all know becomes transparent under certain conditions...wouldn't wanna be taking care of business in the crapper in front of a crowded hallway now would we...another item of concern is heating elements...probably STRICTLY PROHIBITED...as Igloo Hotels tend to turn into Puddle Hotels rather quickly when subjected to temperatures much above 32 F...so NO heat...translates into...COLD  Showers...COLD food...COLDer DRINKS...and a shivering night spent fully dressed between a coupla off season Mall Santa's...and here's the worst part...your dumbass PAID for the room...you may wanna take a pair of skates...should you dare to venture around your room...or outside of it...as the floors are also made out of ICE...there are far cheaper methods of torturing oneself without obtaining a passport...making a reservation...getting to Sweden only to find out that the currency exchange rate isn't in your favor...you didn't ask yourself WWKS before ya left...and were out sick from work the day all this pertinent information was made available via the Tidbit...and you have an assload of merchandise you're gonna need to make it all the way to dinner...let alone overnight...Kevin's Home Remedy for Swedish Igloo Enthusiasts...find yourself a relative...or close friend...one that has a stand up freezer...go on over there right around bedtime...empty that frigidator 2000...strip down to your skivvies...and hop on in...if ya make it half an hour without smackin yourself in the head...I'll be duly impressed...Eskimoes and Inuits live in Igloo's...year-round...and NOT for enjoyment...for SURVIVAL...there's a huge difference...unless your ass is shivering on a Seal Hunting Safari...or launching a kayak into the Arctic Ocean to spear hunt Whales...by hand no less...you might wanna think twice about hunkerin' down for the night in an ICEBOX...I mean holy shit...I have no ambition to hibernate like a homeless Polar Bear...for an hour...much less an entire night...who does that shit...slow migrating Eskimoes and Inuits...that's who...come on...there can't be any other explanation for it...they didn't decide to bross the Bering Strait when it was a frozen land bridge...make it half way across...stop for lunch...and have an epiphany...'It's colder than a well digger's ass...right HERE...think I'll chop out a few dozen blocks of ice and builod a nice little hut for me and the fam fam...NO...they couldn't keep up...got left behind...and had to fend for themselves...Darwin's Theory of Evolution...a work in progress...it's actually a perfect society...unreachable by forces of government...the crime rate is extremely low...there aren't any homeless people...unvisited by U.F.O.'s...Yeti's (Sasquatches Arctic Apparition)...or people with the middle initial Dubya...the only news you concern yourself with is circulated amongst the villagers...which by the way all stem from the same slow-footed...frostbitten...flat fore-headed...fur trader responsible for your daily demise in this frozen...forgotten tundra...come to think of it...I would rather go spend the night with a bunch of these Seal-Fat Soup suckin' ice sages...than go all the way to Sweden...famous btw for inventing igloo's...NO my friends...my affection with Sweden ended when the Swedish Bikini Team was no longer a HOT advertising gimmick...aside from that what have they ever had...chocolate...woo-f*+kin'-hoo...yodelling wenches you can still hear wailing even tho your miles from home...that place is startin' to look like a cesspool of shit I don't need to waste my money on...what the hell are these people thinkin'...you wanna entice me out of any vacationing dollars I  might come across to toss at an evening of enjoyment...torch that dam igloo...hope the first boat to the Bahama's...build an underwater hotel...out of seamless glass...make it an adult nudist resort...subject to paying participant voting...all new arrivals are immediately stripped and screened...a 51% approval rating must be attained in order to stay sans clothing...those who don't qualify will be refunded their entire package price in Jenny Craig Gift Certificates...now THAT's a tourist destination...hell I'd fly down there directly and apply for a position in the laundry department...gravy job...good wages...great views...both inside and outside the hotel...and I can't imagine how many various forms of tipping one might find themselves unable to refuse...NOT like there's gonna be a whole lotta laundry to do...hammocks for beds...NO towels permitted...it is a nudist resort...drip dry ya heathen...doesn't that sound about a thousand times better than Customer Service (Complaint Department) for some frozen igloo fortress in the land of the candy asses...I wouldn't last a minute in that career field...the first time one of those idiots came down from their rooms bitchin' about the temperature...off come the frostbite protectin mittens buddy...we're gonna engage in hours upon hours of why their mother shoulda just suffocated them in the crib...NOTTA good position to haphazardly apply for...I think I'll wait on the Underwater Lodge off Grand Bahama...hell I'll even double as the Complaint Department for FREE...who's gonna bitch about much of anything at an underwater nuddist resort???  Doesn't matter...chances are if you're standin' in front of me...buck ass naked...with a nice ripe rack...chances are I'm NOT even gonna realize your lips are moving and that words are spewing from your mouth...ya stand a damn good chance I won't even remember what color your hair was...unless you forgot to shave that morning...I probably won't even notice your face...and will remain as equally absent-minded of any expression it may have presented...what with all those Ta-Ta's bouncing around...a guy might mistakenly assume he'd been abducted by a buncha Wild and Crazy Wet-nurses...so many flavors to choose from...it would be damn near take divine intervention just to keep me from endin up runnin around like some sort of Rain Man on a Melon Hunting Rampage!!!

01/23/12

In the English hospitals during the 17th century children were entitled to 2 gallons of beer as part of their weekly diet...

2 gallons per week...per sick child...17th Century England...whaddaya figure...at least 5 to 6 kids per household...conservatively...and yet none of them had the forethought to make s small fortune off of this little program...I wouldn't have had to work hard a single day of my life...different kid sick every week...2 free gallons of beer per week...104 gallons a year...and keep in mind that's on the light side...play your cards just right...little pre-planning...scheduling of each child's "sick" weeks...you could easily double that to 208 gallons of FREE BEER...bootleg that shit...undercut the local watering holes...self made millionaire before they invented a word for it...and for those of you with a conscience let me put your minds at ease...the answer is YES...would I exploit children for financial gain...it's 17th Century England...it's allowed and accepted...I didn't say it was a perfect idea...but hey layin in bed for a week...every month or so...gettin' FREE BEER to turn a profit from...beats the hell out of their other 2 options...some stodgy ass...everybody dress the same...private schools...or sweatin their asses off plowin fields...milkin' cows...manufacturing Nike shoes in some sweatshop hidden in Malaysia...hell if I'd have been coming into my teenage years in 17th Century England it goes without saying I probably wouldn't have even seen my parents for at least 5 years...I woulda been sick every week myself...different city...different hospital...2 gallons of...you got it...FREE BEER!!!  and let's keep in mind this wasn't the beer we're all familiar with...that watered down...alcoholess...no this was more than likely some type of mead...honey mead perhaps...much stronger than your garden variety MGD 64...or 56...or WTFE...you know the one I'm talking about...designer beer for the calorie conscious alcoholic airhead crowd...buncha dumbasses if ever there were any...'I wanna go out drinkin' to get drunk...but I gotta watch my figure...hee hee hee hee'...but ya can't choke the stupid outta people...so whaddaya gonna do...change the inscription on the Statue of Liberty...include those little lepers of learning too...I can't believe some mega-conglomerate-big business 1%'er greedy ass bag CSMAC's...(that's Chief Shit Munchin Asshole in Charge)...hasn't capitalized on this idea...HEY...MR. FORD...are you hearing this...in 5 years when you've successfully decimated this teams chances of being the first LIONS team with a chance at being taken seriously...and the stands at FORD FIELD are more visible than people paying to attend...on game days...2 gallons of FREE BEER per kid will undoubtedly triple ticket sales in an otherwise murky...destitute...grimy marketplace...I can't think of a place this wouldn't work...church pews a little empty there padre...stop sellin cheap wine and sunday sleep thru sermons...2 gallons of FREE BEER per kid and even the neo-nazi atheists will start linin up early...political financial fund starting to dry up...rankings in the polls takin a beating...2 gallons of FREE BEER per kid with campaign contribution...you won't care if you win...neither will your supporters...keep pourin from the pitcher dumbass the money's rollin' in...you may not win election...but you can still end up King of the turd swillin'...swamp rat supperin'...I got abducted by a UFO durin a ternada while huntin Sasquatch crowd of Kool-Aid drinkers and FREE BEER imbibers!!!  I mean holy crap...ladies...use this to your advantage...tired of arguing with the hubby over takin the kids to the park for the day...2 gallons of FREE BEER per kid...he'll take the whole neighborhood full of kids and you won't see any of them for a week...I mean really...you could fill the Big House in Ann Arbor beyond capacity just to watch Cabage Patch Dolls face off for the Chinese Checkers Championship if you offered 2 gallons of FREE BEER per kid...Beer itself should have an addendum to it's slogan...BEER...helping ugly people have sex and children cope with colds...since 1632!!!

01/20/12

In Japan when a man reaches 60 he has a ceremony wearing a red kimono which denotes he no longer has the responsibility of being a mature adult...

Isn't that interesting...something our two societies have in common...the immaturity level of the adult male...apparently in Japan it takes the female species 40+ years to determine that attempting to change...morph...or mold an adult male into something presentable outside the cave...is a lost cause...here in America it normally takes the female gender considerably less time to come to this conclusion...mere moments after a prospective male counterpart attains the age of puberty...our women throw their hands above their heads...in a..."I give the f*#k up" gesture...realizing eons before their Japanese counterparts what a fruitless effort this is...it makes me wonder why we don't have more Japanese adult male actors in Hollywood...hell if they can fake maturity until they reach the age of 60...I'm sure there are more than a few Oscar worthy nominees in Osaka...I think we should have a similar ceremony here...not in all states mind you...just in Michigan...and then not even state-wide...confine it to a specific group of people...DETROIT LIONS fans...keeping 60 as a significant number...anyone alive the last time they won a Championship should be entitled to act as immature as they want to...without fear of legal reprisal...show up to Ford Field dressed in those cute little footed pajama's...bring your pacifier...find your seat in the stands...fling poo on all the paying customers...halftime hi-jinx would include throwing a tantrum on the turf...crying in the concession line...bathing in the bathroom trough...ya know ladies...if you were as attentive as you're supposed to be...what with all the advancements in maturity you are privvy too...the answer to morphing an adult male into something resembling maturity...is right before your eyes...or has been presented to you previously...by me...an immature adult American male...CINAMMON STICKS...DUH!!!  It promotes cognitive and logical thinking...both of which are necessary to formulate a modicum of maturity...and according to historical research waiting until they leave the womb is tantamount to losing the battle before it begins...grab your passports...do a little online research before the government finds a way to pass SOPA...and locate yourself an In Utero Cinammon Stick Insertion Specialist from Singapore...preferably female...since an adult male in the same capacity would undoubtedly be too immature to locate either Cinammon in stick form...or the internal yeast concocting bread chamber of a mature female...it's probably a damn good thing I'm not of Japanese ethnicity I'd expoilt this little cermony for all it's worth...my 60th birthday would include every conceivable...non-violent crime available...I can see the puzzled expressions already...'Why on earth would Kevin admit to pre-conceived criminal activities on his 60th birthday?'...It's simple really...whether it were violent...or non-violent makes no difference...I chose non-violent because I could skip the bloated legal fees associated with hiring a lawyer and have absolutely NO doubt my prowess in postulating my defense plea  would result in an immediate dismissal of all charges...'NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF ATTAINED IMMATURITY'...similar to a TEMPORARY INSANITY plea without the extensive and exhausting mental testing required to prove such a travesty of the judicial system viable...I could just stand before the judge...offer my plea...shrug my shoulders in a...'Who me...what didja expect...I'm 60' gesture and walk out without so much as court costs...it would be a daily endeavor of mine...and why not...if you're going to provide a loop-hole in the legal system I could fly a squadron of UFO's thru...who am I to oppose exploitation of it...honestly tho I think we view maturity differently on this side of the Pacific...American adult males are considered immature if they spend all day Sunday in front of the T.V. watching professional sports programs without so much as a clue as to what is taking place in their immediate vicinity...they tune out...and tune-in simultaneously...exhibiting the hidden ability of multi-tasking...an effort that requires above average maturation of the inner mind as well as auditory and optical receptors...it's damn hard work appearing to ignore the lewd...rude...crude...demoralizing tongue lashings of your little lady as she cooks...cleans...cares for the kiddies...while you sit...smoke...scratch...channel surf between games...fill out your fantasy football roster...text your buddies about how terrible their team looks today...coordinate bathroom breaks with commercials...and trips to the store for beer during halftime...we have alot goin on all at once...give us a break...we don't interrupt you when you're at the grocery store shopping for dinner...or when you're folding laundry and settling disputes amongst the siblings do we???  We don't pretend to enjoy chick-flicks...and get in touch with our feminine side just to up the odds of successfully seguing into a sexual interlude later that evening............okay so maybe we're guilty of that transgression...probably NOT a good example n hindsight...SEE...that right there is a better example of reaching a new level of maturity...the ability to recognize your mistakes...learn from them...and move forward...much more of this and I fear I will leave my American...as well as Japanese...brethren lagging in the field of maturity as it pertains to the adult male...I have got to be one of the most profoundly...politically incorrect...parodious preachers plodding around this planet...so it goes without saying I've had a few run-ins with immature acts myself...While in the Air Force...I once shaved the left eyebrow and the right half of a moustache off an over inebriated...comatose comrade...woke him up 15 minutes before a mandatory Dress Blues Inspection...hurriedly helped him get dressed...mindful to keep him from glimpsing a mirror...tossed him a handful of mints to try and alleviate the alcoholic aroma...doused him with enough aftershave to make a hairball hacking cat gag...and off we went to the Law Enforcement Desk to meet our new Lt...needless to say there were several boundaries of immaturity crossed that day...by an entire Flight of fellow enlisted individuals...try keeping your shit together under those circumstances...a straight face while looking the impending ass chewee directly in the eye...'Squared Away troop...Good to Go'...that level of immaturity resulted in such a comical episode if we woulda had YouTube back then a video of that would've went viral...that brand new...straight outta OCS LT didn't know what to do...I can still see his face as he attempted to maintain his composure before finally erupting into side-splitting...tear-rolling laughter as he continued his charade of inspecting this poor unsuspecting prank project of mine...needless to say the remainder of Inspection was cancelled and we were dismissed to report to our posts...so you see...altho the outward expression may seem unattentive...the inner wheel are always turning...let's not forget...it was an immature...locker dwelling geek...who sat in his garage on those lonely nights and invented the personal computer...I can't imagine the things I'll mastermind at 60...ALL HAIL IMMATURITY!!!

01/19/12

Someone on Earth reports seeing a UFO every 3 minutes.  In the U.S., reported sighttings usually occur in July at 9 p.m. and 3 a.m....

No real surprise there...especially the part about U.S. sightings...July is the apex of summer...a time of year that is enjoyed by everyone to some extent...cooking on the grill...bonfires...alcohol...maybe a few other recreational endeavors...I'd be more surprised if there were less sightings...hell I'm flabbergasted they don't have a show on T.V. dedicated to the exploration and uncovering of U.F.O.'s...ya know kinda like those hairball seekers on Finding Bigfoot...one of my favorite shows on Animal Planet...a channel whose overall programming...save for this particular show...is all about the different species of animals living on our planet... do I believe in U.F.O.'s and lifeforms from other worldly places...in a word 'YES'...have I ever seen a U.F.O....well that depends on your definition of a U.F.O....taken at face value...just about anything could be classified as a U.F.O....for 16 weeks during the N.F.L. regular season I witnessed several U.F.O.'s...everytime Romo went back to pass...the possibility of a seeing a UFO existed...until the scientific community started naming stars...distant planets...anything not glued to the earth gravitationally could be considered a UFO...I am somewhat skeptical of actual sightings of interstellar space travelling starships... having watched countless episodes of Star Trek...I've NEVER once seen the U.S.S. Enterprise visible from the planet they're visiting...at least not without the assistance of some sort of radar...the ship remains in orbit around the planet...much like a Space Shuttle once it embarks on it's mission...we can't see it with the naked eye as it circles the globe...we can communicate with it...we can see it on radar...with the aide of telescopes...I would hafta believe that if an alien lifeform had achieved the technology to travel great distances thru space...they would undoubtedly have a transportaion room...capable of beaming things on and off the planet...or at the very least some sort of smaller shuttle...the simple math alone doesn't add up with the technology we currently possess...there are 1440 minutes in an earth day...which translates into 480 reported sightings PER DAY...around the globe...now unless these sightings are all over remote...barely inhabited islands...every last one of should have gotten a glimpse of these things by now...interstellar space travel would require a propulsion system of such magnitude it couldn't possibly be contained in a craft the size often associated with UFO sightings...they would therefore hafta be smaller shuttle craft from a much larger interplanetary space visiting ship...which satellites and radar arrays would undoubtedly pick-up...unless of course they also have developed a Kling-on cloaking device...highly unlikely since you wouldn't hide yourself only to dispatch smaller visible shuttles to announce your presence...I have a feeling most of these sightings are either hatched as excuses by good old boys embellishing drunken excursions without the awareness of their spouses...or as a direct result of showing up inebriated hours past the time they said they would return home...flying frying pans and rolling pins can appear UFO-like under the right conditions...reports of abduction are more than likely campfire tales told to the fella's the following day to explain away the bumps...bruises...and black-eyes received after the previous nights domestic dispute...it's much less humiliating to admit you've been anally probed by a Gang of Greys than it is to own up to the fact you got your ass handed to ya by the missus...how do I come to this conclusion???  Ancient Aliens...another program I occupy my time with...available on the History Channel...examines many theories revolving around the aspect of alien intervention thruout the course of human history on this planet...they explore and debate ancient cave etchings to formulate their theories...and guess what???   NOT a single one exists depicting a human being teleporting to a waiting sapce ship...being strapped to a cold metal table...and rectally probed by a buncha long fingered transparent grey entities...so I doubt very seriously it's a habit they recently picked up in another quadrant of space...or in some other galaxy...and incorporated it into earthly visitations...it wouldn't make any sense...you don't warp the fabric of time and space...travel across vast galaxies...and universes...just to dabble around in the nether regions of the existing planetary lifeforms...and even if you did...you wouldn't confine it to a single sub-species...the toothless...moonshine swillin'...cabbage headed hillbilly clan...I mean come on...wouldn't it make more sense to momentarily kidnap the scientists...professors...engineers...those among us who would appear to have the knowledge required to assist with advancements in humanity...what could they possibly hope to learn by grabbing a few gator munchin...swamp stoolies...unless of course they are researching establishing a royal bloodline thru inbreeding and hope to find out where oh where these muttonheads messed up...the same problem affects the UFO sighting crowd as does the Bigfoot Hunting Helmet Heads...they are looking for things that have left behind NO physical evidence of their purported existence...I've yet to see a clear image of either...in a day and age where camera technology has grown by leaps and bounds...every time one of these hairbrained hooligans snaps an evidential photgraph it ends up looking like something a third grade watercolor enthusiast smeared together yesterday five minutes before the recess bell rang...and just to set the record strait...I personally have NEVER seen...thought I saw...or been abducted by an alien lifeform yet I do believe life exists beyond this planet...FAR beyond this planet...so distant in fact that even with the technological capability of a propulsion system equivalent to WARP speed it would take them several hundred...if not thousands of earth years for them to travel...otherwise our friends north of the border would've already established a monopoly on interstellar spaceports...simply because they possessed the foresight to build a UFO launching pad long before the rest of us...we would have colonies on the moon as well as other planets...and we don't...because???  Aside from the MARS rover program we've NEVER successfully landed a space vehicle on another planetary object...that's right I said it...humans have NOT set foot on the moon...how can I be sure of this...well lets consider for a moment the USA's Space Program...we started out with rockets and capsules...rockets escaped earth's gravitational field...seperated...and sent the capsule into orbit...where it supposedly and eventually touched down on the moon...a barren lump of rock that circles our planet and shines bright at night...there were NO landing pads...NO rocket fuel stations...NO launch facilities to utilize...the moon as we all know has it's own gravitational field...albeit less confining than that found here on earth...so how did we land a capsule without so much as a ding to its exterior...how did the moon rover appear...it wasn't tucked away in the glove compartment of the capsule...it surely couldn't have been shipped there...to the exact location of the capsule...on an unmanned rocket...how were these moonwalkers able to leave the moon once they got there???  The capsule itself wouldn't have had the rocket propulsion necessary to escape the moons orbit...all it had was an array of much smaller rockets...capable of adjusting direction and rate of descent...it took a rocket...full of fuel to make the trip...yet considerably much less to engage the return trip home...HARDLY...the same applies to interstellar space travel...you hafta have the necessary components available at the launch site as well as the landing site...still NOT fully convinced...capsules had what type of landing apparatus???  LEGS...basically...things that stuck out of the bottom of the craft like chair legs...and made landing on unchartered topography viable to the imagination...what happened to the Space Program after the Moon Landings...it took a drastic turn...spacecraft underwent a dramatic change...they incorporated wings...a tail rudder...and TIRES...TIRES people...TIRES...a vehicle quite incapable of landing anywhere other than earth...the planet from which it came...WHY is this important???  It gave NASA the opportunity to avoid questions of landing on other planets...even the MARS rovers had to be enveloped in a big bouncy ball type of delivery system to land on that planet...before the TIRES could be of use...and guess what???  There was NEVER even a thought of retrieving those devices...why???  Because they are share a basic similarity with early space capsules...A propulsion system incapable of performing the necessary escape velocity required to return home!  a UFO from a far superiorly advanced planet would require the same necessities that ours would...a fuel source at the arriving location...or the enormity of size to carry the necessary source to and from visiting locations...since our natural resources don't appear to be vanishing at a clip of 480 sightings per day...I feel safe in reporting that UFO sightings...as they are currently reported worldwide...are flown by the elusive Sasquatch...a creature so crafty it is often glimpsed during daylight hours...yet searched for during the...oh so bright hours between dusk and dawn...without the aid of game cameras...a creature so masterfully aware of being sought out it NEVER leaves an animal carcass visible after a meal...an apparent OCD when it comes to toiletry habits...and the ability to fly spaceships undetected across vast expanses of land...stopping momentarily to abduct...posteriorly probe...and return the lesser learnable types...who as a matter of circumstance...are the only tribe of people with the power to see both a Bigfoot and a UFO...usually within days of each other...it would seem to me a rather simple method of catching or capturing either of these phenomenon is in order...instead of stomping around Squatchy areas at night...with lights...camera's...and idiots who think howling like some witless werewolf wannabee is going to bring a stampede of Squatches closer to the campfire...how about you hunt it like every other animal known to man...with a little common sense...string some raw meat up in a tree...the latest UFO sighter should do...set up a few night vision cameras...infrared laser boundaries...motion sensitive recording devices...hell even a buried spring loaded net-trap...throw out some veggies and fruit too...just in case it isn't a big fur-bearing scary ass carnivore...litter forest floors with these traps...toss in a few pitfalls...and viola'...within a matter of weeks you'll have your answer...you'll either bag one...or go home empty handed instead of empty headed...same thing applies to proving the existence of UFO's...there's a movement within the scientific community currently underway...and yet a complete waste of time...it incorporates aligning radio telescopes all over the planet to try and view the edge of a Black Hole...thought to be at the center of the Milky Way...in order to understand Einstein's Theory of General relativity at a more base level...here's the thing...these fucktards of formulae are missing the big picture...unless UFO's are popping out of the thing on a universal anal probing vendetta...I doubt the rest of us give a rat's ass about further proving...or possibly disclaiming...a theory that has been in use since it was postulated...what possible good could come from this???  NOTTA damn thing...and here's why...just recently...thru one of our tidbits...we were enlightened to the fact that these same stupendous sages of space believe that as time approaches a Black Hole it STOPS...and that NOTHING entering a Black Hole has the power to escape it's enormous gravitational field...so what...pray tell...makes these morons believe that radio waves are the answer...if NOTHING else known to man...is capable of such a task...up to and including LIGHT...which travels at speeds significantly greater than radio waves...and is still unable to wrangle itself free of this whirlpool of non-existence...wouldn't it stand to reason radio waves stand about as much chance of survival as an ice cube in hell...they even have a name for this mysterious outer rim of the Black Hole...it's dubbed the 'EVENT HORIZON'...a misnomer if I ever heard one...events take place in TIME...and TIME as they theorize...bottles up and comes to a complete halt at this location...thereby eliminating the possibility of an EVENT taking place...now it would seem to me there is a resolution to the UFO epidemic available in place of this disastrous experiment...gather the scientific community...let them align their radio wave emitting telescopes...grab a few...'wish I were smart enough to be classified stupid'...people from the backwoods of America...strip them naked...tattoo directional arrows on their backs...pointing to the place most likely to be probed...dangle them off skyscraper building cranes...kinda like retarded fishing lures...and wait a few weeks...you'll either have pictures galore of UFO's nibbling at the numbies...or you'll come to realize that this epidemic is the result of eons of inbreeding in the Appalachian foothills!!!

01/18/12

There is an organization called SCROOGE in Virginia that stands for Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous, and Ostentatious Gift Exchanges...

Isn't that lovely...a whole organization dedicated to try and stop people from re-gifting...the time honored tradition of giving someone else the bullshit gift you got for Christmas last year...you know the one...you open it...in front of everyone...all eyes become fixated on it...a hushed silence falls over the room...(not out of excitement...but out of sheer bewilderment)...nobody has a clue what it is...and yet you hafta smile and act as if it's somethin you always wanted...yeah...that's the one...you can't tell if its a set of nostril hair trimmers for Sasquatch...or some new fangled hair removal system for your wifes hoo-hah...ya know my Mother is the one who is at the heart of these Tidbit's...she searches them out on the internet...sends them to me in a text...and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't point out a few family related things with regards to our little mind nugget of nutrition....(psst...Mom...I can't believe you read these things to yourself and give yourself one of those 'bug-massacring beatdowns'...and think...uh-oh...)  My own Mother...the woman who raised me...who continues to be an inspiration...and who could love me like no other...would undoubtedly be targeted by this organization...NOT because she re-gifts...she double gifts...that's right...I said double gifts...talk about outrageous...LOL...why just this year my son got a long sleeve duplicate of a short sleeve shirt he got last year...we still get chuckles over that one...and probably will for years to come...we'll call you Grandma 'Double-Gifter' Rebec...he loved it tho...don't get me wrong...one of his favorite shirts...and now he has one for summer and winter...she is also famous for her 'Santa' gifts...which are the most anticipated presents of the year...I'm sure to get a return email for this one...LMAO...but ya know if ya didn't see that one comin'...a visit to the eye doctor may be in order...sorry Momma...but ya gotta share the funny stuff when it becomes relative to the topic at hand...anyway...now that I've quelled my eye-watering...body shaking laughter and composed myself...(I really shoulda left that part til the end...ya had to be here...it was hysterical)...my son Matthew and I decided to open our 'Santa' gifts on Christmas Eve...the look on his face shoulda been my first clue...it was a mixture of confusion...recognition...maybe a little shock...he pulled it out of the box...stood up and went straight to his room...he came out a few minutes later...stood in the middle of the room...I glanced up...noticed he 'appeared' to have his new shirt on...mind you I was pre-occupied with my own 'Santa' gift...a singin Santa with a penchant for passing gas...absolutely hysterical...Matthew stood there and asked me..."Hey, do ya notice anything?"...I took a cursory glance in his direction..."No...why?  The shirt looks fine to me"...he peeled the long sleeve shirt off the short sleeve shirt he had changed into underneath..."Gramma got me the same shirt"...I'm not gonna lie...I laughed like a criminally insane mental patient...that story will live for generations in this family...The Spirit of Gramma 'Double-Gifter' Rebec...and how she single handedly...outwitted...outsmarted...evaded...eluded...and sabotaged the efforts of an organization called SCROOGE!!!  'Twas the night before Christmas...and there beneath the tree...was a present from Santa...and it was labeled for me...it sparkled and shined...wrapping paper so bright...I knew just that moment...I hadta open it to-night...I tore and I shredded...I ripped thru it with glee...I popped open the box...and what did I see...lo and behold...and much to my surprise...the shirt before me...was just my size...a long sleeved version...to wear when it gets cold...oh the joys that await me...when I too become old...I ran to my room...to see if I were dreamin...could it be a joke...was someone schemin...to my closet I flew...actually I just rushed...when I cracked the door...my doubts were all hushed...there on a hanger...was a short sleeved shift...of the shirt I know held...as my twin 'Santa' gift!!!   ROTFLMAOTTCOOME!!!  (Rolling On The Floor Laughin My Ass Off Til Tears Come Out Of My Eyes)  Momma, I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated by all of us...I knew I had to include this in the Tidbit the minute I opened the text from you and read it...try not to give 'D.G.' a hard time today...as we all know by now...it isn't everyday a person gets up early enough to inhale their daily dosage of cinammon!!!  And on that note I will bid you all a good day...before she disowns me!  LOL!!!

01/17/12

In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose...

That's right folks...ancient Rome...credited with such things as establishing Emperialism...feeding Christians to Lions when things got a bit mundane...and the inventors of stereo-typing...or perhaps it was an ancient Roman born cross-eyed who had the 'insight' to label crooked nosed people as potential future leaders..probably a damn good thing we don't subscribe to this way of thinking in this day and age...people born with cleft palates would be viewed as exorcists just because they sounded like they spoke in tongues...all those born deaf would undoubtedly have a career as politicians...quadriplegics would be considered excellent fishermen because of their 'bobbing' potential...pigeon-toed people would be Childhood Gaming Champions with their unfair advantage while playing 'Duck...Duck...Goose'...as well as 'Ring Around the Rosy'...since they are so astute at runnin around in circles...one-armed people would have the most career opportunities...since I'm sure everybody has...@ one time or another...wished they had a third hand...
ya know...it's kinda funny how history repeats itself...why just recently...here in America...on our own shores...a person born Big-Eared and Empty Headed was viewed to have the potential for Presidency...and look where that got us...headed in the same direction as the last Emperialist society...damn near into exxtinction...see now had I been available for consultation to the ancient Romans I woulda tried to correct this disastrous 'Determination thru Deformity' program they had in place...crooked nosed people would NEVER have been singled out as possessing leadership characteristics...they would have been pegged as Societal Attendants of the Senate...capable of sniffin out the bullshit and signalling the masses...a much more productive career field...deaf people would be put to work in a position more complimentary to their condition...say as Spousal Substitutes...Is your wife angry???  Do you often come home from a long day @ work...tired...stressed...hungry...only to be lambasted with foul language by the little lady???  Call Spousal Substitutes...we'll send one of our best listeners...Super Bowl Sunday Specials...2 for 1...one to entertain the kiddies...one to keep the angry...hot headed...furious female...occupied in the other room...order early and we'll include 4 one-armed entities that double as T.V. trays...I know what you're thinkin...'But Kevin...you haven't mentioned blind people during this commentary at all...are you biased against the blind?'  Hell no!!!  Blind people get the best package...free tickets to all Lions games...Home and Away...on the 50 yard line...FOR LIFE!!!   I know...some of you think that's cruel...but when you consider NOBODY else wants to see that shit either...it makes perfect sense...put a set of headphones on them...pipe in some chamber music...and for all they know they're at the Opera House...which is where they'll probably end up after the game...I know...I know...I can hear the gasps already...'OMG you're goin' straight to hell for making fun of the handi-capable people of the world!'...ya wanna know what the real kick in the kisser is???  I had a cross-eyed ancient Roman confide in me...gave me great security to make those statements...know what he said???  'Have no fear...all those who laughed will be there waiting!'...Looks like most of us are in for a long...terribly tepid...future of fire together!!!   See you all soon!!!

01/13/12

The temperature of a burning cigarette when the smoker is inhaling is 1292 degrees F, or 700 degrees C.

This little tidbit...as far as I can tell...is absolutely true...albeit unbelieveable...and yet this information has NOT been put to good use...what has come from such a scientific study???  NOTHING of daily use...@ least from the overeducated sector of society who determined this data...once again proving that spending every penny of your parents savings on a college education isn't always productive...what was the purpose behind this research???  They didn't do anything beneficial with it...conducted a study...published the results...now what???  Where do we go from here now that we know the internal temperature of a lit cigarette during inhalation???  I can't think of one beneficial thing stemming from this statistic...unless of course you were considering adopting the habit and have an allergy to temperatures over 1291 degrees...will cramming this knowledge somewhere deep within my crevices of my cranium ever help me save a life...possibly...if I run across one of those gas garglin halitosians we spoke of yesterday...will it help me land a job that'll pay me retirement packages greatly exceeding my former companies annual cashflow...not unless everyone in that company has their head up the ass of the idiot doing unnecessary research in the cubicle next to them...will it help me break the oppressive chains of poverty...not unless it's the final question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and I'm sittin in the hotseat...does it pose a potential health hazard greater than cancer or complications during pregnancy...probably not...even if you stick the lit end in your mouth...I really wanna know where these people come from...how do you even envision conducting a scientific test to determine the temperature of a lit cigarette during inhalation...whaddaya do...wake up one day...look yourself in the mirror...light a cigarette...and think out loud..."Well I completely missed the boat on finding a cure for AIDS"...(inhales slowly on lit cigarette til it burns the fingertips)..."Ouch...that hurt...I wonder what the temperature of that tip is when I inhale?"  What ever happened to thinking a thing thru before beginning your research???  I mean come on...if you're gonna go to all this trouble...the least you could do is provide us with one useful piece of information in regards to the impending results...I need to know the internal temperature of a lit cigarette being sucked on about as much as I need to know that the anal escapations of an individuals air biscuits sound remarkabley similar to the honking sound of a Canadian hairlipped Goose...unless I'm sittin' in a bird hunting blind with no decoys in the water...eating a lunch of baked beans and sauerkraut...I have no use for that knowledge...There are a ton of things that peak my curiosity almost daily...but I don't drop everything I'm doing and conduct an ill-advised Scientific study on them...lemme give you an example...I'd NEVER even entertain the idea of measuring the velocity with which an idividual forcefully expunges flatulence...publically...or privately...why???  Because it bears no relevance on the amount of speed which I intend to utilize escaping the affected area...or how long I hafta hold my breath should I find myself imprisoned in a confined enclosure when said whiff of waste makes itself evident to my aroma enhancing apparatus...I don't need to conduct a month long study on why some women appear to have a gag reflex when brushing their tongue...yet seem quite capable of co-starring in the sequel to the 'X' rated version of deep-throat...evidence undoubtedly suggests she needs a more well endowed partner in her pornographic playpen...nor do I need a gaggle of geologists to explain to me the magnitude of shifting tectonic plates when they erupt into eartquakes...a simple map of the fault lines should suffice...find them...chart them...publish them...then move on to something more relevant...I don't need to know how water on a lake freezes in winter...I just need to know if it's thick enough to bear my weight should I decide to walk on it...I don't need a scientific study to be conducted in order to determine the assholistic attributes of people put in positions of power...I simply need to listen to them speak...next time you read an inconclusive iota of information...before you take it for granted...only to realize it doesn't pertain to you...do yourself a favor...ask yourself this...WWKS...(What Would Kevin Say)!!!

01/12/12

The best way to tell if you have bad breath is to lick your wrist, let it dry, and then smell it...

Well now...I can think of a few other ways you can tell if you have chronic halitosis...if you fail to brush your teeth on a regular basis...and by regular I mean daily...chances are you possess a horrific orific odor...if people tend to avoid conversation with you...you probably have more than foul language rollin off your tongue...if your daily greeting..."Good Morning"...causes people to run screaming for the nearest desk...hunting for a small trash receptacle to toss their breakfast in...you probably have a tad bit of nasally inflammatory smells emitting from your speech socket...if the gum you're chewing lost it's freshness the moment you began to unwrap it...you might wanna keep your mouth shut around others...if you gargle with Listerine and it feels like you have a mouthful of hydrochloric acid and gas...you probably need to don a hospital mask...if you yell @ your dog and he tries to smell his own ass...you undoubtedly need a tin of certs...if you wake up and it tastes like somebody dragged the neighbors cat's ass across your tongue...you have bad breath...the one thing you don't wanna do is lick your wrist and let it dry just to smell it...Why?...you ask...because if your sorry ass can't spare a few minutes to brush your teeth...I sincerely doubt you're gonna run to the bathroom to wash your wrist...and then the rest of us hafta deal with that malodorous mouth mist you just sprayed all over the base of the hand you're shove in my face all day with things you need help with...The idiot who came up with this smelling spot solution probably keeps their freshly gnawed toenails in a little Altoids tin they found in the trash...I'm almost surprised this hopeless halfwit didn't fess up to their method of determining whether or NOT their toilet paper works as advertised...'The best way to check and see if you've successfully removed all dingleberries and cling-ons is to bend at the waist...grab the back of your head...place firmly between your thighs...spread your suction sealed ass flaps apart...and run your tongue thru the channel...guess what???  If it tastes like shit...you need to invest in a new brand of window shaped ass wipe removal material...good lord the things people come up with...here's an idea...maybe...just maybe...if you have horror filled nightmares of the headless halitosis horseman...perhaps it's time to invest in a convential toothbrush...toss the old hog's hair one in the trash...keep one at home...one at the office...and one in your purse or your car...brush your teeth every time you go to the bathroom and after each meal...chew gum til you've caused Wrigley to go out of business...gargle so often that when you speak to people it sounds like you're under water...douse yourself with enough perfume to be considered offensive...when driving down the road hang your head out the window...mouth open...slobber and drool streaming out behind you like a submarines sonar antennae...at least then you won't look like some kinda Romper Room reject while visibly licking your wrist in public...seriously tho...who the hell does that kinda shit...wrist lickin just to see if their breath smells like sour sweaty socks and shit flavored soup...when I see...or hear things like this I am often overwhelmed with the sensation to stand up...search someone out...and smack the stupid outta them...trouble is there are only 24 hours in a day...and 365 days in a year...I doubt very seriously I'd have enough time to get to all of them individually...which means that the only thing on this planet that is immortal...is ignorance...it has followed the footpath of man...hand in hand...but I guess if there weren't idiots among us my blog entries would read like a stodgy...pipe-smoking...tea and crumpet munchin Englishman...narrating a Shakespearian Sonnet mid coitus...dry and humorless...yes my friends...sad as it is...the world would be a much duller place without the dimwitted drool bucket barons wandering aimlessly through life...sharing their wonderful little WMD's of wisdom...think of all the tragic consequences if our world was completely void of the wizards of window lickin'...and everybody viewed things logically...there wouldn't even be a football team in Detroit...there wouldn't be any towel-headed terrorists left in the Middle East...they'd all have jobs as valets at the world's biggest parking lot...politicians would hafta vote on bills according to what the people they represented wanted...some of you would be unemployed...or at the very least working for an honest employer...as lawyers would have nobody to steal money from...represent...I meant represent...everyone knows liars don't steal...lawyers...I meant lawyers...there wouldn't be any racism and all of our ethnic humor would be forgotten...jokes like..."Whaddya get when you cross a Mexican and a Chinamen?"...the punch line would be..."Somebody named Pablo Wong"...BUAH HA HA HA HA...instead of..."A blind car thief to lazy to drive"...no sir...there'd be NOTHING left to make fun of...I'd end up feelin like Capt. Kirk...stranded on Vulcan surrounded by a buncha Spock's speedy seed swimmers...and I wouldn't have the undying compulsion to choke the ever lovin' shit outta everybody I've ever worked for...and those toenail teething...cinnamon stick sniffin...wrist lickin'...hog's hair halitosians wouldn't have more common sense in their colostomy bags than in their Cracker Jack filled cranial containers!!!  I can't wait to see what's next...Flossing with the fallopian tubes of a female flea-bitten fox prevents gingivitis...Manscaping with molten lava removes pubic hair follicles as well as curing insufferable jock itch...Washing your hair with Whale shit and Walrus waste prevents baldness in Eskimo's and Inuits...you know...if you think you might suffer from a bit of bear shit breath...and you find yourself unable to relate to the things mentioned above...just show up for work tomorrow buck naked...print the words Scratch -N- Sniff across your abdomen...with an arrow directing would be participants to follow the Happy Trail...and I'll give you 100 to 1 odds NOT one single co-worker is gonna notice...let alone care about your awful...ass-tainting...oral hygiene habits...or lack thereof!!!

01/11/12

It costs 3 cents to produce a $1.00 bill in the U.S....

This is actually old information...current prices for producing paper money fluctuates with the price of cotton...as recently as 2008 it cost the U.S. Gov't 6.4 cents to produce the one dollar bill...the price of cotton rose by 50% in 2010...which makes the current production rate of the one dollar bill 9.6 cents...in comparison it cost 1.67 cents to mint a single penny...making the shiny copper coin worth 67% more than it's face value...the one dollar bill in constrast is worth less than 10% of it's face value...now here's the real kick in the teeth...it costs the U.S. government 9.6 cents to print any bill regardless of denomination...thereby making that wad of paper in your purse or pocket about as useless as pre-packaged shit covered toilet paper...there are several things wrong with this picture...the cost of minting pennies is often determined by the metals that are used to produce them...primarily zinc and copper...while paper money's minting cost is determined by the cost of cotton and ink...either we all need to stampede our asses to our local bank branches tomorrow and exchange all of our paper money for pennies...or the fucktards @ the Federal Mint are in desperate need of hiring somebody who has the presence of mind to change the metallic mixture used to make a damn penny...it also shines a light on exactly how hypocritically corrupt our government agencies are...if I were to buy the same ink...and paper stock the government uses...and print the money from the comfort of my own home...using a computer and a printer...and get caught...what happens???  Kevin gets charged...tried...and convicted of Counterfeiting money...what happens when the government does it???  NOTTA damn thing...it's circulated...exchanged for goods...labor...or services...their money...the governments...is backed by the same thing my money would be...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...yet it has happened every day since coins and paper took the place of furs and pelts...let's say an individual makes $8.00 an hour...nice round number...that means in reality they make a whopping 76.8 cents an hour...Staggering I know...however, in light of this new information...if that individual mandated they be paid in pennies for their that one hour of labor they would stand to profit to the tune of $13.36...better than time and a half...if, on the other hand they allow the company they work for to pay them in paper money...only 4 monetary notes are required to achieve the $8.00 rate of pay...and they would make a mind-boggling 38.4 cents an hour...less than half of what they woulda made had they requested all bills to be of the one dollar denomination...I know...that's alotta math to hafta mull over...and I've NO doubt some amongst you are wondering to yourselves..."So what???  Why should this matter to me...come tomorrow I will have forgotten about it...I'll go on using money because I have no other choice"...and for the most part you are correct...there currently is NO other choice...which as I'm sure Bill Gates and Ma Bell can attest to...that constitutes a MONOPOLY...which is another big NO-NO...unless it's government controlled...but here is why you should give a shit...our paper money has become so useless our country hasta borrow 'real' money from other countries on the International Exchange...@ over-inflated rates of interest...loans we can't pay back with our current currency...so what does that mean...well it means that other countries who do business with us have NO faith in our monetary system...because it has NO value...so how do we obtain these loans if we have of financial value to use as collateral...we use people as collateral...which in turn means that our government is doing a fair amount of business in the Human Trafficking/Slave Trade markets...albeit behind closed doors...so as to NOT draw negative attention on a government viewed by most as the most powerful on Earth...we can't have the rest of the world finding out that we conduct shady business the same way they do...can't have the American public finding out that they aren't really citizens of the country they continue to pay taxes to...there'd be an uprising...recently a friend of mine from Hawai'i posted a picture on his facebook feed...of a check somebody wrote to Verizon to pay their cell phone bill...
The individual went on to explain that [0.002 + e^(2pie)]= 535.4936555 and the limit of the sum of (1/2^n) as n goes to infinity is = 1...therefore $535.4936555 + 1= $536.49...This guy is one of my new heroes...I intend to use something similar when paying my taxes this year...if in fact I owe...I'll have them done professionally...find out what I owe...do a little math...and cut the Federal Government a check accordingly...and I would implore the rest of you to do the same...let's say I end up owing $850.00...since it only takes 9 differing denominational notes to achieve a total of $850.00...Uncle Sam is going to get a Cashier's Check for the grand total of 86.4 cents...with a nice little explanation on how they can use that money to buy...print and produce 8- 100 dollar bills and 1- 50 dollar bill...pay themselves off...and consider the debt paid in full...hell @ that rate maybe I'll even send in a check for $10.00 and have them use the excess to help settle the National Debt...and if that isn't good enough for them...too damn bad...I better NOT get a nasty-gram in the mail spouting off about how they don't appreciate my feeble attempts @ humor either...and that they expect me to cut them another check...paid in full...those sorry S.O.B.'s will get a note of their own...one that explains in no uncertain terms...that I have held a job since graduation @ the age of 17...roughly 27 years @ 40 hours a week multiplied by 52 weeks...for a grand total of approximately 56160 hours...@ various pay rates...so we'll use a median average of $8.00 an hour...which should have grossed me $449280.00...however, after learning of governmental production costs revolving around paper currency...the financial medium of these times...I actually received $46,800.00...leaving $402,480.00 of unpaid compensation which I have already paid taxes on...therefore they have one of two options...send me my entire refund...interest compounded annually included...in the form of penny rolls...which they can then buy back from me @ a reduced rate...say 1.50 cents on the penny...that's a savings of 0.17 cents per penny...or they can keep the money I've already paid and consider the next 3 generations of my family tax-exempt...seems fair to me...the balance of power in this country is decidedly tipped in favor of those who control it...I fear it may already be too late for us to make an effort to right this ship...we haven't the tools of war to overthrow the corruption present throughout our governmental bodies...I doubt seriously our crop-dusters and houseboats are gonna hold up long against Fighter Jets...Stealth Bombers...and Aircraft Carrier Groups...the ONLY tool we have left is a product they manufacture themselves...and hold in higher regard than human life...the Almighty Dollar...it may NOT be worth much on paper...but if we band together collectively...and keep our useless pieces of paper from lining their already over-stuffed pockets...I can almost guarantee you there'll be a significant change in the numbers of people running for political office...if Money is the root of all evil...it stands to reason that those seeds were sown by government employees...and harvested off the backs of citizens!!!  Educate yourselves!!!

01/10/12

A local ordinace in Atwoodville, CT prohibits people from playing Scrabble while a politician is speaking...

Apparently the elected citizens who make up the Atwoodville City Council didn't want Scrabble enthusiasts in their little burg to start including Dubya-isms...or inventing new ones of their own...when the local Super Bowl of Scrabble took place...my question...as I always have when it comes to dumb-ass laws still on the books...is:  Did everyone in town show up to City Hall toting Webster's Dictionary's and Scrabble Boards...or was it just one old couple sittin' way in the back...in the section that doubles as the Senior Citizens Center...and was this a public ordinance...or did it include private dwellings as well?  Did they hire additional help for the town constabulary...so they could go house to house and search out these Liege's of Linguistic Arts???  And please tell me...what was the sentence for carrying out such Violent acts of Vocabularizification???  Were they subject to correcting misspelled 10th Grade English papers...stripped of their Scrabble Tiles...left with just an empty board to ponder over...maybe if somebody had given Dubya a Scrabble game when he was just another moron with a MLB team he wouldn't've appeared so ignorant during his oratorial output thing-a-ma-bob's...or even after he clambered his way into the Oval Office...Sunday games could've been Dub-yaed...Spellifying with the Secret Service and Senatorial types...with mid-week masterpieces...Confabulationaries with the Congressionalisticals...there is one thing that old Texas Turd-swiller did for me that NOBODY has been able to do since I graduated high school...can you even guess what that is???  I'll give ya a hint...back when most of us went to school...it was something we did damn near every year for English Class???  Not ringin' any bells???  If not for Dubya's odoriferous orification practices...NONE of us would've ever had to reach way back in the recesses of memories...recallin' all that 'ritin'...readin'...and 'rithmatic...so that we could once again DIAGRAM SENTENCES...it's almost eerie when you think about it...they were preparing us for the possibility that one day we would have a Pompous Pontificating Presidential Pinhead...who would have serious problems spouting sentence fragments...that even the most die-hard Atwoodville-ian Serial Students of Scrabblificationisms would have troublesomations placing on the board...I think...and I'm being honest here...maybe the fine minds @ Hasbro should put out a Collectible Scrabble Edition in honor of Dubya's 8 years in office...they could call it CRAPPLE...what's a CRAPPLE you ask???  Well I suppose it's one of those everything words...it could be an adjective...as in..."Didja hear Dubya's speech last night...I love the way that guy statifies things so's we regular folks can unnerstan him bettah..."  " I know, right...I thought it was CRAPPLISTIC"...or it could be used as a noun...as in..."Washington D.C. is the CRAPPLITAL of the U.S.A."...or as a verb...as in..."He CRAPPLED with that idea a long time before finally spittin' it out"...however, it's word origins can be traced back to one singular definition...CRAPPLE is the shit that tumbles off Dubya's tongue everytime he opens his mouth in an attempt to seem smarter than an unwatered blade of Arizona grass...all proceeds will be donated to a charitable cause...kinda like Jerry's Kids...only we call them Dubya's Dimwits...and the foundation consists of EVERY child who got left behind...game tiles would also hafta be modified as well as the rules...new tile configurations include "UH"..."UM"..."ER"..."DUH"..."ISM"..."IF"..."ICA"...& "SHUN" they can be played individually...or in conjunction with other tiles to form entirely new Dumbya-isms...if the word you play can be found in the current edition of Webster's Dictionary...it's not allowed...you must add an ISM...IFY...ICA...or SHUN tile to the end of the word to qualify...momentary pauses simulating 'Deep Thought Processes' result in the offending player forfeitifying 3 tiles and a loss of turn...raising your eyebrows in a..."Holy Shit I can't believe I just made up that word and NOBODY noticed" fashion...followed by that familiar "These peoples so stupid Imma genie-us" chuckle...rewards the player utilizing this method of dialogiza-SHUN...2 extra tiles and a free turn...if a player draws the 8 tiles listed above...and is able to use them all to form the opening word...they automatically win...for instance "DUH-UH-UM-ER-IF-ICA-SHUN-ISM"  that's the retardation of people who paid attention in school and taught themselves to think outside the box...WINNER...WINNER...CHICKEN DINNER!!!

01/09/12

An office desk has 400 times the bacteria of a toilet...

Kinda makes ya wanna order Chinese take-out and eat while ya work don't it...make ya think twice next time you see you're pet drink from the toilet...might wanna grab your ivory handled hog's hair toothbrush...scrub off the ugly...then gargle right from the shitter!!!  I'm surprised NOBODY sees the millions of dollars available here...OMG I just had an epiphany...this is my ticket to soar above the 99% and join the elitist cabal of 1%'ers...fortunes will be mine...WOW this is awesome...it's so evident it should smack most of ya right in the kisser...ASS GASKETS for the OFFICE DESK...every OCD germaphobe on the planet is gonna want these...made from the same trasparent paperish substance the use for those OH SO EASY TO USE PUBLIC RESTROOM POOP PROTECTORS!!!  There are a couple of differences between office desks and public potty's...Office desks quite normally are only utilized by one specific individual...public toilets...I'm sure you'd rather NOT know who all...in the history of public defecation practices...has adorned that throne before you...office desks therefore enlighten us to an all telling fact...YOU people sitting BEHIND them...gnawing on your overgrown toenails I've no doubt...embody far worse hygiene practices than your Common Commode Crapping Counterparts...which means you can now save yourselves a ton of money on your monthly water bill...either skip bathing altogether...apparently you're doing it wrong anyway...or remodel your bathroom...tear out the shower and put in a 4 man turd catcher commode...and bathe right in the toilet...lather...rinse...flush and repeat if necessary...another thing of note...the ASS GASKETS currently in existence are basically useless...the germs they aim to protect you from...generally aren't on the toilet seat itself...they're on the porcelain rim beneathe it...or in the crapper itself depending on the prior occupants aftercrap toilet brush techniques...while some will take the additional 2 seconds to erase the evidence of their edible escapations...while most evacuate the evidence chamber of watered down waste leaving behind the twisted two track of turdology...a distinct...pre-determined...diagram depicting the directional descent of doo- doo droppings...they can often be witnessed simply by watching the washroom at your local Wal-Mart...they tend to tread from the toilet area with asswipe wafers stuck to their shoes...half an ass gasket hanging from the back side of their waistbands...replacing the spot where a shirt would otherwise be tucked in...with the opaque ovalesque offerings they were just sitting on in attempt to distance themselves from the dreaded dung germs of generations before them...they shoulda called those things HOLEY CRAP CONTAINMENT COVERS!!!  Now I've gone and done it...somebody somewhere won't realize there's a difference between HOLEY...and HOLY...the next thing ya know I'll be posting a blog insert about 11,000 Tortilla Chip Aficiando's who have NOT only traveled far and wide to see the likeness of Jesus on a triangle...but will undoubtedly motivate millions to join their sacrimental scavenger hunt of Wal-Marts the world over...searching for the next Shroud of Tur'd'in...what a Mecca-like Moving Moment that should turn out to be...so what are we to do about protecting ourselves from germs...NOT a damn thing...germs (bacteria) are...for the most part symbionically associated with our planet and every other life form on it...they serve a purpose...or a poop-ose if you will...some are harmful granted...but unless you wanna roll around like the Boy in the Bubble...chances are the water you shower with has bacteria in it...unless you're so ate the hell up with hygiene you bathe in Naturally Purified Spring Water...in which case you're an absolute idiot...becasue as you should know by now Sprin Water doesn't PURIFY itself...so there's NOTHING NATURAL about it...other than it was here before us...ever notice how animals...well dogs and cats anyway...greet one another by sniffing the shit spitter of the other...maybe it's because they know in so doing they can determine the colon cleaning habits of their comrades...which according to current convoluted facts about crappers and office furniture...gives them a pretty good idea if this particular pet is gonna propagate a plethora of poop-related problems revolving around bad bacteria removing programs or if in fact they possess the components of OCD associated with hacking up hairballs once the personal grooming efforts have all been exhausted...regardless of the inside info animals may inherantly attain...as it applies to current events...I am by NO means suggesting that any of you take it upon yourselves to take a nostril full of your associates anal cavities in hopes of garnering any type of germ removal processes they may incorporate while in a public setting...I will however take a moment to enlighten some of you...if by now you're still tasking your teeth with toenail removal...or brushing with an ivory handled hog's hair tooth scrubber invented by the slant-eyed sages of modern day China...an ASS GASKET isn't gonna help you one intestinal iota...on the Throne of Turdom...let alone your desk...you need help in a way only a  Hairy Ass Crack Hypnotist named Houdini could provide...release yourself from the mortal coil...you may as well crap on your desk and clean yourself with one of your clappers...and for those of you who find themselves among the underprivileged people of the planet...who've NEVER had the opportunity to evacuate yourselves in one of those Grandest of Germ Junctions...those Cathedrals of Crapping in a Closet...the Shortbox of Shit...you probably refer to them by their publically accepted misnomers...Port-a-Potty's...I beg you...inhabit one of these..."Is that Chili Con Carne" Cubbyholes...I guarantee you'll strip naked...slather your body in Super Glue...and roll around on your Office Desk without so much as an afterthought about the amount of unwanted germs and bacteria you're subjecting yourself too...hell you may even decide to bathe yourselves in Butt Mudd Beauty Products!!!