THAT'S JUST TURDIBLE!!!

The Roman Army didn't have toilet paper, so they used a water soaked on the end of a stick instead...

Well that is just TURDIBLE...as Charles Barkley would say...who ever thought of such a thing...I don't have any idea whether the last half of this statement is true...I can see where the Roman warriors of the Gladiator and Praetorian era would have used such a device as a water soaked sponge on the end of a stick as a useful tool for stool removal...what I really have an issue with is the first portion of the potty trainin tidbit...the Roman Army didn't use a wet sponge tipped poop scooper because they didn't have toilet paper...they did it because NOTHING else remotely close to being a successful solution for smearing shit outta the asscrack had been invented yet...especially NOT toilet paper...the paper products of the day were made of parchment...a very unsavory consideration for cleaning caca from the old bunghole...it woulda been worse than the John Wayne toilet paper one familiarizes their ass with while stuck in a place where port-a-potties rule the day...rough and tough don't take shit off nobody...would be a drastic improvement over wipin' your poop chute with a piece of parchment...even if I am completely off base and incorrect...and some mad scientist of the era did invent rolled paper products intended to be used as asswipe...the Roman Army wouldn't have had it with them anyway...invasions...battles and wars were fought in a completely different manner than they are today...the logistics wouldn't have permitted for a continuous supply of the handcrafted caca catching toilet paper...the Roman Army moved EN MASSE...everything and everyone moving together in unison...the archers...infantry...and cavalries all moved in one neat tight knit group...bringing along wagons of supplies to get them started...once those supplies were depleted they took what they could from those they conquered...as any respectable military unit should...they didn't come up with the damn saying..."To the Victors go the Spoils"...so that we could watch our gas prices rise to repay for reparations to a war torn country that offended us...when you are the bigger kid on the block you don't beat down your enemies and then hold a piece of raw meat to their blackened eye...you give them just enough to let them know if they make the tragic mistake of crossing your path again...you're gonna whip little Willy out and .piss down rain until they think its an unnatural everlasting weather anomaly...and that is exactly what the Roman Army did...yes they were offensive...intrusive...and conquering...but that appears to be a common thread in any day and age for those that want to occupy the seat of world power...in those days the Roman Army resupplied by pillaging anything they came across...they didn't send wagons back to the hometown to retrieve fresh fruits and vegetables...the shit woulda spoiled by the time it got back...the people that they conquered were obviously ill equipped to handle themselves with weapons...so I doubt they would been preparing for domination by burying huge quantities of the bare necessities in some whacked out Old World survivalist situation...ya know why we don't use the wet sponge method today???  There's NO PROFIT in it...sponges can be washed...repeatedly...and replace as needed...what would paper companies do...STOP decimating landscapes to put more pennies in their pocket...they'd hafta shift gears and find somethin' new...or go out of business...paper companies need a renewable profit source...the paper industry has been threatened several times throughout history...the internet has provided that latest threat...none of uses paper anymore...if we do it is very seldom...I myself hafta scrounge around for an envelope when I need to jot something down...or a scrap of paper torn from the phone book...I don't have paper anymore because I have a computer...I don't need to write shit when typing it is quicker...easier and I can reach more of you with it in rapid succession...NO toilet paper is in existence to create a profitable and renewable product for the paper companies...think about it...we didn't start getting offered double rolls and triple strength toilet paper products to make our asses feel like they're bein pampered with clouds until right around the time that personal computers began to become affordable...up until then my friends...everything was single ply and designed to pry...stick...and curl up in your asshairs...had the internet not come along we'd all still be removing several layers of flesh after each flush just trying to force ourselves into believing our fingers didn't poke through...NOBODY in the ancient Roman World ever thought about using paper on their posterior...they were too damn busy spreading themselves thin enough to cause their own demise...they grossly out judged their own abilities and made some serious mistakes militarily speaking...there towards the end...using wet sponges for shit removal wasn't however...one of them...I mean hello...don'tcha think that if the Annunaki wanted us to be a shit free slave race they woulda given us toilet paper when they helped the Egyptians build the pyramids...what's the matter with you...don'tcha watch the History Channel???  They can't put anything on the History Channel that isn't true...Oh look it's my poop free Praetorian...I first heard about him on the internet...TURDIBLE I tell ya...just TURDIBLE!!!

ASHES TO ASHES!!!

Your ashes can be made into lead for a pencil that will be used to draw your portrait...

Well isn't that just ash-holish...who in their right mind would consider this as an option...HELLO...you're gonna be DEAD...that's the ONLY way to convert your body into ashes...what the hell good is a portrait going do be to YOU...DUMBASS...your ashes can also be used for kitty litter...but ya don't see alotta people heralding that little tidbit around now do ya???  And for damn good reason...gonna be awful hard to explain to little Johnny why Grandma is currently being clawed around to cover cat shit...same thing applies to a portrait...how the hell do ya hang that myriad of morbidity on your wall and let people see it...WTF are you gonna say...I mean lookin at an urn is disturbing enough...havin' Grannies ashes representing her saggy aging flesh folded face has gotta represent some serious issues...I get wantin' to keep a memento of the deceased...it's how we keep them alive...it establishes who we are as a family unit...it helps us get through the grieving process and allows us to pass things on from generation to generation...but I would think the last thing you would want to do with the ashes is have a pencil made for your lead based lithograph...I mean seriously...let it go...we have digital cameras and crap nowadays...we barely use lead pencils beyond our high school years...try signin a check or credit card receipt with one and see where that gets ya...and here's the thing...whaddaya do with the left over pencil...do ya draw more morbid mug shots of Granny and her finer features...hair in curlers...and NOT just on her head...but her chin too...you gotta be one warped puppy to go painting pictures of the deceased with the ashes they left behind...I wouldn't mind havin' my own body converted to ashes when I pass from this once pleasant planet...but I want it done the old fashioned way...like a Viking...wrap my ass in burlap...builda floating funeral pyre...get all of my family and friends together...three bong hits and a shot of booze for each of ya...a bow and a quiver of arrows...douse me in whatever fuel source you can find...high octane grain alcohol is preferred...but if we're pinching pennies...gas will work...if it hasn't climbed above $500 a gallon by then...shove me out to sea...or a lake will be fine...I'm gonna be DEAD remember...don't pay too close attention to the particulars...light up some arrows and see which of you bong hazed...cross eyed archers can set me afire...do me one favor though...have a boat and a match handy...just in case ya run outta arrows before the blaze catches my water craft afire...I don't wanna be floatin around like fish food for years before somebody discovers me...cooks me up and makes pencils from my kerosene soaked carcass...I swear some of the things people come up with...kinda makes ya wanna weep for the entire race don't it...yeah me neither...I really don't care what a person does with their flesh sack once they are done using it here on Earth...makes NO difference...bury it under six feet of soil...erect a monolithic monument...a mausoleum...a pyramid...burn it...cut it up...put it in stew...have your cannibalistic cauldron of crazy assed cousins have a feast for the ages...it's yours do what ya want with it...but I'll tell ya this...if you have it converted into ashes and crafted into a morbid picture you expect me to hang on my wall...don't be surprised when that wall happens to be in the attic...cuz that shit ain't gonna fly down in the family room...and on that note...Imma go watch the rest of Game 4 of the World Series to see if the Tigers can save me from losing a bet on Facebook...because I really don't wanna hafta change my profile picture to a big GIANT orange SF emblem for a week...that would suck worse than being forced to root for Tony Romo...who I would immediately nominate for the deceased crayon connection...that guy sucks so bad I'm surprised his helmet doesn't just cave in...have a great day...Momma I hope you enjoyed going to the game last night...musta been your fart that pushed Cabrera's ball over the right field wall for the two run homer...BRAVO!!!

ANCIENT ANTIQUITY!!!

Archaeologists believe that cavemen used clams and shark teeth to shave with...

HMMM...HMMMM...HMMmmm...here's another frontal lobotomy survivor...one of the coathanger halo crew if ever there was one...either somebody dodged a bullet in utero...or they missed a very very important part of their history class...how many of ya caught immediately with what is fundamentally WRONG with the entire scenario proposed by the tidbit???  Go ahead...read it again...one more time...let it sink in...anybody catch it yet???  Okay let's dissect this moronic morsel of misinformation...and ship another shallow minded soul to the island...shall we???  I thought we might...seein' as how the TEETHLESS TIGERS really floundered out in Frisco this evening...giving hometown fans very little impression that they will turn this around...there were a few who showed up to PLAY...unfortunately Verlander now looks human and is closing in on being pitchings version of AROD...anyway...before I go gettin' all side tracked on sports...lemme regain my focus...   ...   ...   ...   ...sorry...whew...mighta held that one in a little too long...okay so...here we have an asshat announcing to the world their views on what archaeologists believe...NOW...I may be wrong...I'm NOT gonna guess at what cavemen did or didn't do...but I am gonna point out some very basic facts...until archaeologists begin unearthing SHARK TEETH & CLAMS from various CAVES around the world...Imma hafta call BULLSHIT on this one folks...because A.)  SHARKS live in the sea...as do CLAMS...FAR AWAY from places where CAVES are normally found...and B)  because there doesn't seem to be any evidence that supports a caveman's ability to FISH for either species...NOBODY has EVER discovered CAVE drawings of their FISHING exploits...considering the fact that at the time of the Paleolithic Age...when cavemen are thought to have existed...technology was sorely lacking...and KNOWLEDGE was severely limited...caves...normally being depicted as stone structures in the sides of mountains...and people of the age probably being as territorial as they are NOW...I would venture to guess they didn't venture far from the CAVE...any of them that did stumble upon a wild...wet...endless blue sea...probably turned and headed in another direction...believing that was the END of the known world...I doubt they stood around long enough to actually discover FISH of any species...SHELL or SHARK like...if they stumbled upon a CLAM SHELL or two...I'm sure they used it as a digging tool...what makes me BELIEVE this...because I am a STUDENT of human activity...take a two year old toddler to the beach for the first time and let them discover a CLAM shell...the first thing they will do with it is begin to dig in the sand...NOBODY hasta tell them to do this...or show them...it is INHERENT knowledge passed down genetically through the ages...CAVE people would NOT pick up an object they were unfamiliar with and try to use it as a personal grooming tool...they had NOBODY to get PRETTY for...you're walkin around NAKED...or wearing real animal pelts...you're hairs a mess and ya probably haven't figured out how to effectively wipe your ass...bathe...or brush your teeth...yet ya want me to believe the beard was such a bitch they just hadta find a way to shave it off...whaddaya figure they used for shaving cream there GENIUS...because I'm pretty damn sure that RIPPING hair from one's DRY face with a SHARK TOOTH or CLAM SHELL...is gonna be a one time solution...I mean correct me if I'm wrong here...or way out in left field...way back...deep in the stands...like 2 of the pitches JV threw last night...but wasn't the preferred tool of the day a CLUB...am I to believe these less than hickory smoked hillbilly people wandered to the shores of the continent they were on...waded out into the water and CLUBBED sharks to death to resupply their personal grooming care kit...I don't recall any depictions of well groomed cavemen...if archaeologists believe anything about the personal grooming habits of the Paleolithic Paternal Unit of the day...it's that they didn't HAVE ANY...somewhere in the world there is an enormous flushing noise echoing off the walls...as another College Education goes flowing down the fecal funnel!!!

ADVENTURES IN PARADISE!!!

Club Direct, a travel insurance company in Britain, provides insurance plans for protection from falling coconuts...

Duhn...duhn...duhn...(that's the intro music for Law & Order)...and here we are again...faced with the foregone conclusion that somebody has their cabeza firmly embedded in the turd cutter...the very first question that pops to mind when I read this little morsel of moronism is ...WHY???  I, myself have NEVER been to England...NOR do I plan to after reading these wisdomless words of wonder...have I missed something...is Great Britain shifting positions in the Atlantic ocean while the rest of us are sleeping???  Does the country magically drift through the Gulf Stream to a tropical location where palm trees that bear the fruit of coconuts magically crop up on its beaches before it finds its way home???  I don't know who's DUMBER...Club Direct as a company for offering it...or residents of England that purchase it...I know what most of you are thinking...(well Kevin...of course they don't have coconut producing palm trees in England...they must sell it to people that do live in regions of the world where coconut bearing palm trees exist)...yeah...and what do these indigenous people pay for this protection plan with???  Pineapple Juice...Bunches of Bananas...grass skirts...mangoes...cuz here's the thing...people that are historically associated with the region of the world where coconuts fall mysteriously from palm trees without prior notice...have been living there for CENTURIES...they are pretty adept at avoiding FCS...or fallen coconut syndrome...I mean I could be mistaken...but having lived on an island where such things as palm trees...coconuts...and hurricanes exist...I feel fairly comfortable in saying that during the entire time I was there...the residents and tourists that occupied those islands suffered...0...coconut related injuries due to the fruit falling from the tree...as a matter of fact these trees were usually scaled to harvest the fruit rather than waiting for it to fall naturally...done it myself a time or two...Momma probably still has some pictures to prove it...NEVER once worried about being hit by a falling fruit...I do offer my very own FCS protection program...and it's free of charge...if you would like to avoid being clubbed into deeper depths of degradation associated with your current level of stupidity...DON'T STAND UNDER PALM TREES THAT HAVE VISIBLE COCONUTS!!!  Problem solved...didn't cost you a dime...ya know how long an idiot would hafta stand under a damn palm tree to get hit with a falling coconut...holy retardsville...it's a vacation...get out and see some of the sights...in the grand scheme of things you have a better chance of getting the sh*t slapped outta you for being stupid...than ya do of being hit by a falling coconut while on vacation...put it this way if I were flyin the plane that was taking you on vacation...and found out you purchased a coconut protection plan...I'd make damn sure ya didn't have an anti-parachute rider of that DUMBASS policy before I slid the door open and booted your ass out...this isn't the first time I've heard of the whacky ass sh*t the British are willing to insure...Lloyd's of London would probably write up a protection plan for ass hair if ya paid them enough...damn idiots...I've NEVER really understood insurance policies and advertisements they come up with for protection from ACCIDENTS...they are called ACCIDENTS for a reason...because they are...UNEXPECTED...what they are actually protecting people from is PROBABILITIES established through significant data related to the chances of you damaging something based on the results of massive studies and research...you don't insure people against things you do NOT expect to happen...NOBODY sells END OF THE WORLD insurance now do they...and why is that...because they do NOT expect it to happen...they would hafta establish a date for it...say Dec. 21st, 2012...and when the morning of Dec. 22nd rolled around unchanged they would go bankrupt in a matter of moments...and why do they call it LIFE insurance...it can't be cashed in until you DIE...shouldn't it be DEATH insurance...or GRIEVING FAMILY insurance...it does NOTHING to protect the LIFE of the DECEASED...which is what the name of the policy seems to indicate...this industry hasta be one of the biggest money laundering entities on Earth...funny how ya NEVER get that money back if ya don't have an ACCIDENT...isn't it...kinda like it just magically vanishes into thin air...ya basically paid somebody to sit behind a desk and sell you a very high priced piece of paper...shouldn't there be a refund of some sort...I mean if I purchase an insurance policy for 12 months and sell my vehicle three months later...call and cancel the remainder of the plan...I get money back...if I run the plan through until termination and NEVER hafta use it...isn't it just like NOT needing insurance for that year...if NOTHING else that money should roll over into the next year and continue the protection for an additional 12 months...seems legit right...I didn't use it the first year...why should I hafta pay for it again...it's money spent on a product that doesn't EXIST if it isn't used...hell I coulda blew that money on a couple nice vacations...after yesterday's tidbit...I'm seriously considering starting my own toilet training...balloon blowing insurance policies!!!

HOLY CRAP KEEPER!!!

Every year about 45,000 people are injured by toilets, and 2,000 by balloons...

YEE F**KIN' HAW Y'ALL...I absolutely LOVE this tidbit...and although I am not a religious person myself...I pray...pray...prAY...this tidbit is true...if for NO other reason than it serves to support my theory on how vastly ignorant the majority of people around the world actually are...this tidbit PROVES that beyond a shadow of poop...or doubt...your choice...do you know how completely reedonkulous your idiotic mortal shell must be to let a toilet or balloon INJURE you...how the hell do you hurt yourself using the crap catcher???  I am literally beside myself with stupification...I mean seriously...I would expect this to happen to anyone that carried the last name of BUSH...but the rest of these retarded little rectum injuring idiots represent a whole new pantheon of clueless caca connoisseurs who don't know whether to shit or get off the pot...47,000 people a year injure themselves with objects that pose NO threat to anyone...that is simply amazing...this plays into the tidbit we did the other day too...when I suggested that we didn't necessarily need to eradicate and eliminate these people because of their uneducated ignorance...but that it wouldn't hurt to give them their own island to stumble around on...preferably one without indoor plumbing and plastic expandable CO2 containers...it isn't intended to be a direct slap in the face for being so STUPID...it's something that I learned growing up...having been raised in a military environment...it's called preventive maintenance in most circles...by shipping them to some little rock in the middle of one of the oceans...we are SAVING them from their selves...they should be thankfully wiping my ass just for suggesting it...and I am sure most of them would line up around the block to put paper to my brown eye and wipe away the excess...NOT that I would allow that under the best of circumstances...since apparently they cannot handle themselves around a commode when they are left alone...the last thing I wanna do is end up getting injured by their inabilities to alleviate themselves and leave...I mean what's worse...walking into an emergency room with a toilet injury...or a balloon injury...on the one hand ya probably hafta show your ass...and on the other hand ya hafta show up lookin like an ass...either way you're wearin your ass as a hat...proving that you're slightly dumber than the dipshit with the degree that's gonna fix ya up...here's the thing people...a toilet...should under absolutely NO circumstances be allowed to injure you...if you are too drunk to navigate the inner perimeter of a poop palace...either go puke, piss or shit outside...or just do it in your pants...YOU'RE DRUNK...it's expected...and a helluvalot easier to explain away...then tellin' the doctors...nurses...family members...friends...co-workers and business associates that you're such a dipshit ya slipped..split your lip and lost three teeth while tryin' to kiss the commode...FORETHOUGHT people...it's not just a fancy word in the English language that ya read in books...it comes in pretty damn handy...I used to use it myself when going to the bar...sit home and DRINK...it's cheaper...then have a buddy take you to the bar after they get out of work at 11pm...that way ya get there right around midnight...pay for maybe one or two drinks at bar prices...and if you're lucky pick up a rider for the trip home...for men...go to bars that have troughs in the bathroom...less navigation and risk of falling face first in a toilet...for ladies...if you're pissin' standin' up...it really isn't gonna matter if you fall face first in the toilet...chip your teeth...split your lip...blacken both eyes and come out bloody...NOBODY was lookin' at ya anyway...especially when ya showed up in bib overalls with chew spit stuck in your beard...have at it HOMEGIRL...now for you babbling baboons bruising yourselves with balloons...you people are DUMBER than dirt...ya know that...how in the sam hell do you allow yourself to be so fabulously f**ktarded...look at a balloon...it is a manually operated CO2 container that you hafta fill up yourself...you can't just try to hold the small mouth piece open and run like hell to get air in it now can ya...NO...ya hafta put the damn thing in your mouth and blow into it like you were a $2.00 whore on nickle night...and here's the kicker...the damn thing fills up...RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE...it's NOT like ya need a damn mirror to see it sticking out of your ear...how do ya get distracted with this giant colored orb GROWING in before your EYES...to the point ya let it explode and injure you...there are built in telltale signs that explosion is imminent and injury is therefore possible...NOW...pay real close attention...cause as the orb gets BIGGER...the manmade membrane you are holding in your mouth is getting noticeably THINNER...stretching like a vagina during the birth of a ten pound puppy...ya hafta know by lookin' at this thing NOTHING is ever gonna be the same...it is about to rupture and cause significant pain...and that goes for the balloon as well...think about it people...47,000 people a year we no longer need to promote the procreation of...I think an island is a fair trade...they get to remain free and fend for themselves...they just don't get to pee in the pool anymore!!!

SNIFF...SNIFF!!!

An average person's nose produces a copy of mucous a day, most of which dries and protects the membrane...

Alright folks...well let's getta few things outta the way...big weekend...the TIGERS...my 2nd favorite team...SWEPT my vaulted YANKEES right outta the ALCS...and BIG BROTHER BLUE...finally handed SPARTY his ass on Saturday for the first time since DICK ROD was coach...so great news for sports fans from the state of Michigan...well at least for those who are fans of the ONLY real football team in town...you Lions fans are gonna hafta suck it up another 40 years by the looks of it last year was a fluke...kinda like the ONLY year Wayne Fontes took them to 12-4...I say this because the Lions play alot like the Yankees...they don't show up until the 4th quarter...and unless you have the King of Comebacks at Quarterback...John Elway...you're NOT gonna win many games that way...okay...so now...onward and upward...I'm NOT sure if this is a typo or what...but WTF is a COPY of mucous...a COAT of mucous perhaps...but a COPY is something produced to resemble an original...and if you have an original COAT of mucous in your nose...that has dried and is in the process of providing protection...gonna be kinda hard to get a COPY to come pokin' thru don'tcha think...I have a very hard time believing that it dries and protects anything membranous or NOT...dried mucous comes out in nice tiny little packages called nasal nuggets...boogers...schnozz clogs...the rest of it remains rather damp and moist...we call that nostril nectar...or nasal hair gel...wet slimy...green and gooey...and in far greater abundance than the dried version...ya know what protects the inner passages of your dual chambered oxygen absorber...a forest of finely feathered hair follicles...some of which are so long...I dare say if ya pluck 'em you'll start losin' eyebrows...at least as far as I can tell...having had to conduct a few deforestation projects myself...I've actually felt my eyelid twitch a time or two...and I get to mine before they fall below the lower edge of the nostril and into plain view for the general public to ogle over and comment on...so I know some of ya are having some serious difficulty with yours cuz they blend into your moustaches...ya sick bastards...I swear...what possesses you people to step outside looking like that...do you have an avoidance issue with all of the mirrors in your house???  Do you live alone???  I mean somethin' hasta signal the flooding of follicles falling outta your foul fume finder...and just what is an average person...do unaverage people produce more...or less juice to protect their junk...whaddaya figure a guy like Karl Malden cranks out on a daily basis...a gallon of green goo or more...the NOSE...along with the ears...are the only two features of the human body that continue to grow throughout the life cycle...stands ta reason that the older a person gets the more shit they have flowin' through their nose...but there is NOTHING average about the size of a person's nose...an average of the entire world's population...assuming a nose is present at birth...would be an impossible estimate to determine...every ethnicity on the planet has specific facial features...especially in and around the nasal area...it goes without saying that the desert dwellers on the African continent have significantly larger schnozz clog cannons than do people on the Asian continent...take a look around your own office...there is at least one person with a slender nose profile that makes ya wonder how they breathe...how do they supply oxygen to the brain thru that little thing...it's gotta be like trying to siphon gas thru a straw...and there will be at least one among you with a nose that looks like it's part of some secret nasal fleet...the US Navy uses it as an extra aircraft carrier during times of war...thing so big it scares small children...when these people breathe hurricanes form off the coast of Florida...you know the type...they can smell someone take a shit in South Africa while standing at the South Pole...it's like a dual vortex black hole...time comes to a standstill when they sit across the desk from you...everything is in slow motion...ya find yourself fearing the fall...ya sit there staring at that schnozz wondering how on Earth you are ever going to escape its gravitational pull......when these people sneeze...they produce a tornado like breeze...that flattens grass and uproots trees!!!

THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT...

In Georgia, crosses may be burned on somebody else's property, if you have their permission...

Hmmm...seems to me that if this tidbit is correct...and the US History books that were issued while I was in high school had any merit...there are several charges that would be pending...if it weren't for the statute of limitations associated with non-violent crimes...I know...I know...cross burning ceremonies are normally associated with the taboo's of slavery...but the actual flaming of a cross does not pose the same problem as hanging...and was therefore considered less offensive...kinda like callin' overly obese people...BIG BONED...you're NOT necessarily being offensive with your commentary...just passively poignant in your description of their condition...I doubt very seriously the slaves of the day back in the glory days of the rebellion would have had much of a complaint if they simply had crosses turned to ash in their front yards...hell the majority of them woulda gladly given their permission in exchange for being allowed to LIVE...sadly that was NOT the case...kinda tragic really when you think about it on the grand stage of the global environment...we run around the world helter skelter sticking our noses into other countries businesses involving the MISTREATMENT of select ethnic groups...and yet we can't even clean up the crap that clutters our own shores...we are seriously full of ourselves within the confines of our own borders...cocky buncha bastards actually...fortunately for me I was raised by parents that did NOT discriminate against a person due to skin color...many of my childhood friends had different shades of skin tone...as early as I can remember I've had black friends...brown friends...white friends and red fiends...a few yellows here and there and a handful of gorgeous bronze hued beauties...I was also provided with the extremely unique opportunity to reside in an area of America where I was considered the MINORITY...and was treated as such...they may not have burned crosses in my front yard...but they didn't have to...the message of hostility and possible harm was well received...and until you SURVIVE those conditions you have NO idea WTF you are talking about when it comes to discussions of racial bias and hatred...do I HATE those people for the way they treated me while I was living on their island...NOTTA bit...if I have learned NOTHING else throughout the travels of my youth...the one significant piece of street wise education I was able to suck out of all that mess is that IGNORANCE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES...and that TOLERANCE is a better virtue to have int he bag than PATIENCE...patience can getcha killed...tolerance allows you to move on without remorse...I include myself in this equation as well...for have we NOT all tuned in daily to hear berate the idiots that provide us the fuel for the upcoming fire...that's because I ABHOR people that have more common sense in the head of a pimple on their ass than they do in the cranial chamber atop their necks...do I HATE them enough to go on a killing spree...or enough to establish a band of good ol' boys to wipe them off the Earth...NO...I just have less TOLERANCE for their inclusion in everyday society...do they need to be slaughtered to prove a point...NOT necessarily although I am sure I could argue in favor for it if pressed...but it wouldn't be such a terrible idea to isolate them...let them have their own island...like the lepers when we placed them on Molokai...we don't hafta eradicate them...just prevent them from PROCREATING and compounding the problem...we can start with the fine folks of Georgia...especially if this law is still on the books...because if history has NOT taught them the travesties of their ancestors then they represent part of the core problem that is seriously outta whack in this country we call home...I'm sure that there are those that would like to see me shoved off in some remote corner of the world...left to suffer by my own devices...but that is NOT gonna happen...because ya can't bottle up whatcha can't catch...and if I can outwit them on these pages...they don't stand a chance in person...have a fabulous weekend...CONGRATS TO THE TIGERS...WHO AS OF THIS WRITING WERE KICKING THE SHIT OUTTA THE LIFELESS YANKEES...AS ANY TEAM WITH THE PASSION TO CLINCH THE PENNANT SHOULD...BRAVO BOYS...TAKE IT ALL!!!

HOLY POOP PAPER BATMAN!!!

A person uses approximately 57 sheets of toilet paper each and every day...

Well now...what have we here...a half hearted attempt and taking care of the travesties associated with turd cutting toilet procedures...57 sheets of toilet paper as an average daily usage amount contains some pretty compelling information regardless of whether or not the actual tidbit is true...there are several problems with this poop paper pundits proclamation of daily use for removing the nasty black hole denizens left behind when the original tear drops from the brown eye were deposited...for one thing people use the bathroom at different times and for different reasons...WOMEN use more toilet paper than men...on a daily basis...can't pee standin' up without getting your thighs wet now can ya...NOPE...and the only way to do it on the porcelain pedestal is to drip dry...and I'm sure many of us know what that results in...the ancient and offensive smell of Granny Panties that have been worn to long...that foul stench ya getta whiff of when grandma comes to dinner wearing three day old depends cuz she's trying to save on the water bill...so this tidbit is misleading if NOTHING else...since MEN tend to use significantly less TP on a regular basis...the other problem with the toilet paper principle is that we all have different bathroom schedules...I for one have different schedules on a daily basis which are significantly impacted by the stuff I shove into my body for nutritional purposes...some of it agrees with me...some of it acts like a cat in a burlap bag being carried to the river...fighting from the word 'GO'...trying to find a way out...before I can bury it in a watery grave...medical conditions also play a part in the equation as several people are affected annually with conditions that result in the necessity of carrying a colostomy bag...these people use very little toilet paper...unless they haphazardly empty their carry-all compartment...there are some people...that use the bathroom ONCE a day...after backing sh*t up since dawn...they tend to use significantly more than 57 sheets in a single sitting...at least the one in my house does...and apparently they lack the knowledge of properly using a plunger...how do I know they use more than 57 sheets in a single sitting...because I place a new roll on the holder when needed and it vanishes after they have spent more time in there than man ever did on the moon...hell there are times I get caught in the precarious position of wishing I had grabbed a spare roll on the way in to do my duty...there are days when 57 sheets is just the tip of the ice berg...been that way since I had my gall bladder removed...the other problem with this little tidbit stems from different manufacturing processes...some make single ply toilet paper...the type that permits digital penetration under the best of circumstances...57 sheets of this kinda toilet paper is likely to leave more of ya sh*tty than clean and carefree...then there are those that make a 2-ply paper product for the porcelain poop palace...this doubles the amount of toilet paper being used to 114 sheets...but that is of little concern for those that do NOT want to fumble a finger thru the folded wad and into the flue of their intestinal chimney...there are even some that make a triple ply product...creating a toilet paper parade of 171 sheets...these rolls of toilet paper barely fit on the holder without needing an excavation of the bathroom wall directly behind the holder...this stuff is so soft it makes ya feel like your ass is wrapped in clouds...so ya see...there are several different aspects associated with wiping sh*t off the entrance to the epidermal opening where caca cascades from...honestly it doesn't really matter to me how much toilet paper is being used in a single sitting...leave the crap catcher in the condition you found it in...and we won't have any issues...but if I hafta hop up at half past three in the morning and spend several minutes unclogging the commode before I can take a seat and kick up my feet...somebody may wind up cleanin' sh*i off my shoes and the surrounding floor...I for one have NEVER understood the penchant for porcelain potty producers to continue using old archaic methods of manufacturing...toilets are built with these nifty little things called TRAPS...which are put in place to prevent noxious fumes from the underlying sewer to penetrate and permeate the air we breathe in our homes...these TRAPS occasionally live up to their names and prevent poop paper products from traveling in the much desired direction...crazy when ya think about it really...ya NEVER see plungers in the the bathrooms of airplanes now do ya...NOR are they present in travel trailers or motor homes...which use a closed door platform at the bottom of the potty...thereby eliminating any clogging or permeating perfumes better suited for Pepe LePew...and yet here we are still facing the same problems associated with using paper products in plumbing components designed to carry off the caca...I know what most of you are thinkin'...but Kevin...every time ya flush the toilet won't that allow the noxious gases to rise into the house...NO...take a look at your roof line when you get home tonight...see those things sticking out of the top of the roof...those are called VENTS...and they are a very essential part of the sewage fume removal system...well at least one of them is...more if ya have two bathrooms...ya know why we haven't made significant progress in revamping the caca castle???  Because if we did that we would create more JOBS...while simultaneously deleting certain jobs around the world...plumbers and plunger producing manufacturing plants would either go out of business altogether...or they would be much like the Maytag Man...always there and NEVER needed!!!

MMM...MMM...MMM WHAT'S FOR DIN DIN???

Dentures were commonly made with teeth pulled from the mouths of dead soldiers...

Isn't that just delectable...kinda makes ya wanna schedule an appointment with the dentist tomorrow doesn't it...yeah me neither...I have NO idea if this tidbit holds water or NOT...what I am pretty sure it does hold is left over food particles and already present rot...here's the skinny...if this was ever true it was during the days when soldiers were in the field and at war daily...in situations unlike those enjoyed on the battlefields of today...void of teeth cleaning things like toothbrushes...toothpaste...and water...which means that these people suffered some of the worst dental hygiene of the day...which as it was...probably lacked any substance...yanking the teeth out of dead soldiers sounds legitimate...brutal humans that we were back then...taking everything that they could from the dead and moving on...barbaric...bet they didn't tell ya that in all those government controlled public education facilities you attended during your formative years...now did they...IDK about you folks...I, myself am missing a few teeth...and guess what...NOTTA false tooth in my head...simply because they haven't perfected the solution as of yet...the reason I had the damn tooth pulled in the first place was to ALLEVIATE pain...NOT compound the problem by JAMMING foreign objects in places where they do not belong...I would rather walk around with a smile full of gaps you could drive a golf ball through...than sit there and suffer from constant and continuous denture pain...especially if it was gonna come from actual teeth from a dead soldier...I mean I am damn glad we have soldiers and am proud of my brothers and sisters that have served even if I disagree with the reasons they were sent their in the first place...I mean unless the damn thing is made from solid gold why wouldja want it...do you have any idea how extremely difficult it would be to find a dead soldier with teeth the same size...shape and style as the ones you need...let alone the EXACT tooth that is missing...that's an awful lotta killin' just to get a set of teef...personally I think ya might have a better shot at buyin' a blender and puree-ing your food...but that's just me...I could be wrong...I mean I would hafta think tho that is this was an acceptable solution for ya...so are BUBBA TEEF...which are currently being sold in Halloween stores all over the country...much cheaper...and NOBODY hadta die to put them together...why on earth would anybody wanna put somebody elses teeth in their own gullet...I mean I'm all for breaking bread together...but I kinda had eating my own plate a food in mind when I agreed to the process...I mean DAYYYYUM...havin dead soldiers teeth in your mouth has gotta be like drinking the water from your grandma's denture cup...can you imagine if they had television back around the Civil War when this was probably popular...a Winn Dixie commercial comes on...coupla cowboys herdin' cattle across the prairies...they get ambushed by a gang of masked marauders...there's a gunfight and a couple of soldiers die...Sam Elliot pops on screen with his famous trademark handlebar moustache...cowboy hat tilted back...walks over to one of the dead soldiers...bends down...runs a finger into his mouth...yanks out a tooth and shoves it up in the gap where he is missing a tooth...turns to the camera...makes a sucking the teeth sound...grins and says..."When squirrel just doesn't cut it for supper..." nods towards the cattle and the cowboys herdin them..."BEEF...IT'S WHAT YA WANT FOR DINNER!!!"

WELL...WELLL...WELLLL!!!

If you stand at the bottom of a well you would be able to see the stars even in the middle of the day...

This very...veRY...VERY interesting...I would challenge the author of this fantasy to a duel of the dimwitted...but as we will soon come to find out...he would be lacking the necessary equipment to perform adequately under such lenient conditions...there are several things WRONG with this tidbit...and once again I must beg your mercy in premature judgment as I stoop to a level just about poop scooper...potty patrol...rule number one...according to the degradating levels of dumbness this potential asshat wearing individual allowed to accompany them throughout life...stipulates that you cannot see the STARS during daylight hours under ANY condition...because stars aren't out during the day...hey he started it...no but seriously reread that statement and see if certain aspects don't just hop off the screen and smack some common sense right into the middle of your forehead...problem number one...he wants YOU to get in the well and try this theory out...ask yourself why???  Because the majority of people reading that statement are more curious about whether or not it will work...rather than paying attention to detail and neglecting the information as ridiculous...thereby saving themselves the embarrassment that is sure to accompany the dumbfounded dimwits that follow orders without asking...STOP for a second and read into the tidbit...what is the first thing that comes to mind when you really read into it???  ANYBODY???  SOMEBODY hasta see the inherent problem associated with the dynamics involved with this tidbit...what are WELLS used for class???  To draw WATER from...that's right don't be shy...sp...sp...sp...spit it out if ya know the answer...and what does WATER pose the possible risk of...DROWNING...which is a very real probability if the WELL is as DEEP as it should be...NOT too mention it blurs the vision...if you are standing at the bottom of a WELL staring skyward...you are going to see several things...the top of the WATER level...a bucket and rope perhaps...and a hooded shelter from which the bucket and rope dangle...the STARS won't be visible until your DUMBASS starts to deprive itself of enough oxygen to keep the brain alive...but there is a plus side to this little equation...many of the people attempting this little trick will NOT have had the opportunity to be so gracefully educated by yours truly as all of you have...and this will serve a very useful purpose...because it depletes the idiot gene of those that get STUCK in the WELL due to piss poor planning procedures and the gift of ingenuity that allowed them to tackle this task as a solo project...I know what most of you are thinking right about now...but Kevin...there are EMPTY WELLS around the world that have since had there cupolas removed...do these NOT provide the potential for proving this theory correct???  WHY YES...YES THEY DO...for al those unfamiliar with that little invention of Sir Galilee Galileo...called the TELESCOPE...which due to modern TECHNOLOGY...has made STAR GAZING during SUNLIGHT hours so much EASIER than descending a WELL and finding a way back OUT...and they are so compact you can carry them anywhere and view PLANETS and orbital object of various constellations...an aspect of Astronomy that is severely limited when conducted by otherworldly WELL WATCHERS...I mean the choice is yours of course...but I'm pretty sure if David had a gun the whole Goliath story would have had a different tag line!!!

MOBY DICK!!!

The age of a whale can be determined by counting the layers of its earwax growth...

Hmmm...so what you're saying here old genius of the giants of the deep...is that you have absolutely NO idea what the hell you're talkin' about...whales are mammals...NOT plant life...they aren't trees ya herbalohypocrite...ya can't just tell how old something is by counting the layers of earwax it grows...I mean seriously...I know they don't have Q-Tips or fins with opposable thumbs to use them...but HELLO...we are in the Ocean are we NOT...and what do oceans have...SPONGES...pretty sure they can figure it out on their own...don't judge me either...this idiot started it...and sometimes...tho I try very desperately NOT to try and sink down to their level and duke it out over dumbness...I just can't help myself...I just wanna dribble their chin off the floor like their heads were basketballs...bounce some sense into them...ya know why ya can't tell how old a whale is by counting layers of earwax...they seldom sit still long enough...they are skittish around humans...because much like elephants...they have a very keen memory and a way to communicate with one another...and their stories of interaction with those that walk on land has NOT been a very enjoyable one...They don't tend to float around boats waiting to be weighed and aged by idiots with big sharp pointy things that promote death...and don't gimme this crap about finding them on the beach and doing the study there...the math still doesn't add up...because here's the thing...the idiots dreaming up this grand detail of age discovery were NOT present during the birth of the whale and therefore have NO idea how much earwax is actually growing per layer...as far as this assbag knows it might take two years to grow a single layer of earwax...which throws off the entire calculation...and I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that the waters of the ocean are no different than the air qualities associated with different land based areas...which can only mean that some soupy mixtures of salt and H2O are more potent and probably create more earwax buildup...and I would dare say that there has got to be ways they remove their earwax over time...these creatures live for several years or decades...be kinda hard to hear each other if they let that shit go for a couple decades...it would be flowing out of their canals like cauliflower...ya know how ya CAN tell how old a whale really is...buy one as a pet right after it is born and keep it in the pool out back until it dies...cause short of that YOU ARE GUESSING...you cannot use confined creatures kept in captivity...the elements of the water they swim in is NOT the same as the saline solution they would be subject to under normal natural settings...counting layers of earwax in whales...I musta missed that class...probably because it wasn't offered as a legitimate resource for discovery...holy crap...where do they even come up with this crap...I mean there has got to be some serious failure going on in our education system if this is the best we can come up with...I suppose all those TAGGING efforts are unable to determine the lifespan of a whale eh..gotta resort to clawing around in their ear canals when ya wanna know how old they are...it strikes me as odd too because seldom do we worry about how old a whale is...the SIZE seems to be the BIGGEST concern we as humans have when we are in close proximity to the beasts from the deep...NOBODY in the history of man has ever said...WOW...didja see how OLD that whale was...he could barely creep along with those arthritic fins...NO...what they say is...HOLY SH*T...did you see how BIG that SOB was...three football fields long if it was an inch...another common myth associated with fables of fishing...retold with exaggerated emphasis to make things appear as though they were in greater jeopardy than they actually were...this is one of the reasons you shouldn't always believe everything you HEAR on the internet...you're NOT careful you'll end up with a French Model of your own...eh Bonjour!!!

THE TWO UTES...THE TWO WHAT???

In Utah, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches...

I didn't even know they sold gunpowder in Utah...but I could see where it might come in handy...what is Utah famous for???  That's right class...POLYGAMY...at least one sided polygamy anyway...Mormon men are permitted to marry as many women as they want without question...yeah...yeah...I know what you're gonna say...they don't do that anymore...BULLSHIT...that's like saying politicians are forbidden to LIE...you cannot simply flip and on and off switch and make things stop happening...the Mormons...much like politicians...wait...aren't they the same thing in the upcoming election...anyway...both classifications of assbag inhibitors are guilty of the same thing...covert and cleverly disguised operations...they haven't stopped marrying in multiplicity...they've just figured out new ways to distract your attention to other things so you don't notice it anymore...I've NEVER seen a problem with the POLYGAMIST life style...we...as HUMANS...represent the top of the Animal Kingdom on this planet...and like every other animal in the Kingdom...save for a few solidarity sexual partner pairings...it is in our nature to fornicate and multiply...with as many members of the opposite sex as possible...it promotes CONTINUITY of our species and race...however it does pose some problems for those that partake...such as ENORMOUS headaches...created by the NEVER ending presence of ESTROGEN spewing females...who ever said they were made from Sugar and Spice...I think they heard it wrong...Drama and Strife is more like it...I'm thinkin' the gunpowder was not taken orally...it was used for its intended purpose which was to manufacture BULLETS...which are a sure fire way to rid oneself of a headache...I mean can you imagine...all those wives under one roof...gotta be like havin' all of your wisdom teeth erupting in unison...excruciatingly painful and unpleasant to deal with...make ya wanna rip both sides of your face off and use the CASTAWAY method of tooth removal...a nice sharp skate blade and a rock for a hammer...ANYTHING to make it all go away...cuz they don't have CALGON for men...real men anyway...I'll bet before this little law was passed there were plenty of mysterious deaths up there in the old Mormon Mansion state of Utah...probably hundreds of unsolved murders from back in the day when the husband got tired of making hay...ya know...I don't mean to point out the obvious...well yes I do...that's why we all show up here anyway...isn't it...to discover things about the levels of ignorance man is capable of...that's what I thought...what do pharmacists do???  They hand out MEDICINE...what is gunpowder NOT classified as...MEDICINALLY USEFUL...kinda makes ya wonder what's goin on up there at Brigham Young University doesn't it...gunpowder has been around for centuries...eons and eons...the Chinese used it to manufacture fireworks...objects that EXPLODED when the chemical composition of the gunpowder was altered or ignited...is that somethin' you think might wanna whip up in a milkshake to cure a medical malady...I didn't think so...listen if you hafta make LAWS prohibiting the use of gunpowder in medicine...you have BIGGER problems...and they lie in the EDUCATION sector...somethin' ya might wanna think about when castin' your vote this fall...NOT that I give a flyin f**k at a rollin' doughnut which MAGNIFICENT MISTAKE you cast our vote for...it always amazes me to hear the HEATED political debates brought up by my friends and family...what does history do class???  IT REPEATS ITSELF WITHOUT PREJUDICE...this includes POLITICS...you hafta view Presidential elections like you would VIRGINITY...once you have been F**KED...you cannot UNF**K yourself and become a VIRGIN again...the position of POTUS is the most overpaid position associated with CONTINUAL FAILURE...ya know how ya fix a country once it becomes a calamity...you INVADE it...which unfortunately we cannot do to ourselves...Have a Great Weekend...I got baseball games to watch!!!

FORE!!!

B.F. Goodrich experimented with making radioactive golf balls, so you could find a ball in the rough with a Geiger counter...

Hmmmm...hmmmm...hmmmm...I'm not sure if my assessment yesterday was correct...perhaps there is a way to differentiate between varying degrees of STUPIDITY...but then again...would it matter...Momma always said...'Stupid is as Stupid does'...why didn't they ever make a sequel to that movie...MADD...(Marijuana-induced ADD...my apologies)...I could really use a Dagwood right now...like the kind from the comic strips...too huge to eat...anyway...where were we...oh yeah...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make some undocumented claims here to support my theory that this was a bad idea...if in fact it did occur...for one WTF is a tire company doing messin around in the golf ball manufacturing industry...ya don't see the guys over at Titleist dickin' around with making tires now do ya...and for damn good reason...can ya imagine how damn small a car would hafta be to rid on tires the size of golf balls...stick to tires and hockey pucks you idiots...you're here for one reason and one reason only...to make the most replaceable part in the automotive industry...cheap bastards...they all make tires that can run while flat for long distances...but they won't make one that runs for life...they're like doctors...they give ya enough to keep ya comin' back for more...now here's why this STUPID concept of a radioactive golf ball...doesn't hold water...one it's RADIOACTIVE...potentially lethal to humans and other habitat...has been since the invention of the term applied to this scientific process and chemical reaction...I won't get into the neutrons, protons and isotopes that are involved...I don't want anyone goin' crossed eyed on me during my little rant through the golf/tire world...aside from being radioactive...do you know how difficult it is to carry a golf bag for an entire 18 holes...NOW...couple that with carrying a Geiger counter and the necessary clothing to play under those conditions...and ya start to paint a pretty vivid picture of how NOT to improve a game...that or ya could employ ROMO for 9+ years...man am I happy the YANKEES & TIGERS are still playing baseball...sidetracked again...but did anybody else watch those games last night...Girardi pinch hits Raul Ibanez in the bottom of the 9th...for Alex Rodriguez...with the Yanks trailin 2-1...RAUL ties it on a solo shot to right field...has to stay in the game...and comes to the plate again in the bottom of the 12th...to blast another solo shot to DEEP right field clinching the win...B-E-A UTIFUL...then I thought the Tigers were a cinch...leading 3-1 in the bottom of the 9th...3 outs from moving on to the ALCS...Valverde on the mound...that's a lock right...apparently not they lost 4-3 before Valverde even got his arm warm...okay so back to the topic at hand...damn glad I didn't make my sammich yet...I probably woulda passed out by now...ya can't go playin' golf or any other game with RADIOACTIVE equipment...this should be evident to anyone in the scientific field...which one would be safe in assuming the development teams at B.F. Goodrich had on the payroll...how do I know this you ask...because RUBBER doesn't come from the tree round and ready to have tread cut into it...WAKE UP...it's THURSDAY...ya still have one more of these to wade through before I release you for the weekend...here's the OTHER reason it would NEVER have worked...have ya ever played GOLF???  Great game really...and when played at the professional level it promotes patience and integrity as well as sportsmanship...however when played at the amateur hack level without a handicap cuz they don't make numbers that high crowd...like the rest of us are familiar with...the game of GOLF takes on a whole different aura...it promotes IMPATIENCE...HUMILIATION and RIDICULE...and that's why I love it...the people behind you seldom have the patience for you to take a Mulligan on a bad shot that immediately heads in a direction that crosses three adjacent fairways...let alone wait for DUMBASS to get all gussied up in Geiger counter garb to find your stray GOLF ball...one of thre things will happen...A.)  You will drop a replacement ball and play on in order to avoid being called anymore choice names by the crowd behind you...B.) Someone in the crowd behind you will decide to play through and crack off a Drive...or C.) Everybody in the group behind you will begin wasting golf balls just to try and hit your ignorant ass and make you move on...one thing is for certain...they are NOT going to come help you find your lost ball...ya know what I do with tree hunting golf balls...(that's what I actually call my golf balls that head straight for the trees...ignorant little bastards...that wasn't where I was aiming...if they can't get it right the first time what f**kin good are they...they're obviously defective)...I leave them right where they are...I don't care if they are standing there in the forest waving at me to come get them...I NEVER use them again...I know...ya think I'm kiddin'...I'm really NOT...ask anyone that has ever golfed with me...when they go retrieve my ball because I'm too stubborn to do it...I launch it deeper into the woods or drop it in the first pond I come to...waste of money you say...matter of perspective I say...if I view them as defective equipment it helps me rest easier at night thinking all I did was improve my overall game...NOW if it were only that easy in Dallas...that smug faced phallic symbol of stupidity actually plays better GOLF than FOOTBALL...maybe if the pigskin was RADIOACTIVE he could hit his wide open targets with greater accuracy...if NOTHING else we could locate the balls that sail into the HANDS of the enemy and TACKLE them...but I suppose that is too much to ask...and with that folks...it be feedin' time...I have a mind numbing...masticating case of the MUNCHIES!!!

HMMM...IM NO SWINGER...BUT...!!!

You cannot swing from vines in the jungle because they are attached to the ground...

IDK STUPID from STUPID anymore......does this NOT appear to be a tree...with HANGING vines...and that took me all of what 30 seconds to find on GOOGLE IMAGES...what did Tarzan swing from...if NOT vines...and I suppose good old George of the Jungle did what...pogo on bamboo chutes from tree to tree...highly doubtful...can't swing from vines because they are attached to the ground...how do they get there DUMBASS...they grow...over the course of time...during which the can be swung from freely...kinda like your neck needs to be doin' right now...from the end of a tightly snugged noose...you noodle snortin' swamp creature...(that's the name I've given to those that are NO longer even allowed in the shallow end)...you know the type...better swallowed than allowed to swim up the old love canal and infect an egg...this idiot makes white trailer trash look like royalty...you know the type...they show up at social functions and everybody starts silently playing...Last Man Standing...as in the last one to make their get away gets stranded with the dipshit til they can dish them off on someone else...where do ya think the idea for ROPE came from...ya think somebody saw an inanimate object stuck to the ground and said...WOW...I think we could use that to pull something...NO...they saw something swinging and figured...HEY...that might be useful in other areas of humanity...damn glue sniffers anyway...that's what ya get for doin' cheap drugs...or harsh drugs...instant ignorance...shoulda been over there with the rest of us early testers of medicinal marijuana...ya mighta got a little better insight into the current vine swingin' situation...cuz ya woulda been with people that were used to hiding in the wooded areas surrounding their houses...where there were plenty of vines and shit to swing from...of course fully grown vines that have established a foothold on the jungle floor are going to be useless...but by that time they are NO longer considered vines...they are LIMBS of the tree...and you can't swing on those...all ya can do is use them as a climbing resource...ya know what else ya can't swing from...Redwood and Sequoias...cuz they are REALLY attache to the ground...ya really can't swing from anything that is attached to the ground...cuz that seriously effects the ability to SWING...which in and of itself is a movement borne of freedom...an impossibility with stationary objects...I tell ya...I'd like to round all of these idiots up in one place and keep them sequestered...but I think Washington D.C. beat me to the punch...I think they churn out stupid people in great abundance just to overpopulate the smart people and allow them to stay in charge...ya know what the worst thing about elections is don't ya???   The huge discrepancy between what we are promised and what we are actually provided...we call this Electile Dysfunction...a different type of ED that appears to affect the idiots running for office...and those that vote for them...like this pygmy of pertinent information...don't hand this genius a bottle of glue...he'll figure out all kinds of things you can't do with your fingers stuck together...I dare say this individual wasn't the second incarnation of Darwin...by any means...how can ya study plant life when it is fully grown...ya can't...itsa process ya hafta watch for the first time through intimate knowledge...or time lapse photography...your choice...in this day and age it isn't necessary to run around retarded...especially if you have access to the internet...ya might wanna run around with scissors if ya have this type of mentality...but please lemme get the video camera...viral videos being what they are...I can't wait to show everyone how ya got wrapped up in hanging vines and stabbed yourself in the eye with the business end of the shears...I don't normally promote genocide...but much more of this germ infested water and we are all gonna be treadin' water in the wading pool!!!

SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!!!

In the Andes, time is often measured by how long it takes to smoke a cigarette...

Well now...isn't it that a real kick in the ass...especially if they sell all brands of Marlboro out in the Andes...shorts...regulars and 100's...be a real bitch to establish any real time frame...couple that with the varying climates of the region...which range from snow capped peaks...to rain forests...and you've got one helluva situation on your hands...and I think Imma hafta call bullshit on this one as well...doesn't seem very plausible...or logical that an area in Central South America would use the time it takes to smoke a cigarette as a method of keeping time...especially since history tells us several of the ancestral civilizations of the area used extremely well crafted time keeping devices...the people that live in this region of the world may not be direct descendants of the Mayan civilization...but they swapped spit...and if the Mayans could come up with an accurate calendar that spanned THOUSANDS of years...I dare say the people of the Andes have a much more scientific method of tracking time than smoking cigarettes...I'd probably be pretty accurate in guessing that NOBODY in this mountain range set appointments...or rings the dinner bell...at 10 cigarettes to half past a carton...I can make a cigarette last up to an hour...especially in this day and age when they put themselves out if left alone in an ashtray for more than half a second...I'm pretty sure that doesn't relate to longer daylight hours for me as opposed to the chain smokin'...burro baggin...coffee bean crew...can you imagine if this were true and the ancient civilizations based their old calendars on this method of morphing matter into a timeline...where the hell would we be now...I mean this kinda nonsense just doesn't hold water...how the hell are you supposed to set an alarm...know how long to put something in the oven for...you'd hafta have a whole family of foul smellin' chain smokin' lungfish losin'...hackers just to get through breakfast...let alone lunch and dinner...are you kidding me right now...babies would hafta be born with a cigarette danglin' from their lips...just so you could tell how old they were...OH...LOOK AT LITTLE JOHNNIE...HE'S JUST 3 CARTONS OLD...ISN'T HE PRECIOUS...(hack hack...cough cough)...what kinda idjitarian comes up with this clueless calamity of confusion...I mean you gotta be buried under one helluva large rock for the better part of the last decade not to know that the Mayan calendar is actually considered as ACCURATE...if not more ACCURATE...than the ATOMIC CLOCK...and that isn't just me blowin' smoke...that's been proven by several scientifical types with PhD's...so I find it ludicrous to even lean in the direction of cigarette smoking time keepers of the East Andes...or wherever they may come from...if these people had EVER used this little time keeping trick...they woulda vanished from the face of the Earth faster than a Mayan wearing the shoes of Mercury...I mean come on...ya'd chain smoke your civilization into extinction in less than three generations...wouldn't ya...I mean by the third generation...smoking from birth to keep pace with the rest of the population...ya gotta figure they'd die of lung cancer before they could procreate...or shortly after...thereby leaving their offspring to be raised by Sasquatch...IDK where people come up with this stuff...the early civilization from the region...the Inca Empire...broke bread with the Mayans and Aztecs...and they were very adept at keeping things hidden...like entire CITIES...from the Spaniards during their conquest...Machu Picchu ring a bell...these people didn't pull off these kinds of feats because they were able to smoke more cigarettes than the other guy...they did it because they had help...from the Annunaki...those tall ancient aliens that visit this planet every couple thousand years...the ones with the abilities to manipulate the human genome to create a slave race native to the planet that would be effective in helping them mine for raw materials...you know...the ones the ancient civilizations worshipped and depicted in all of their drawings...yeah those guys...big buncha chain smokers those guys were...know how long it took them to help design and build the pyramids in Egypt...that are an identical match for the ones in the ancient city of Teotihuacan...save for the size and shape...the layout is identical to the ones on the Giza strip...within less than an inch...that probably woulda taken quite a few trips to the fella's at Philip Morris...which wasn't around back then...kinda hard to imagine a buncha descendants of a transoceanic voyaging nature would be able to carry enough cigarettes on the boat to make the trip UP thru the Gulf Stream during a time when boats were NOT built to cross violent oceans...chain smokin' time keepers of the Andes...yeah...I ain't really feelin' that...I gotta feelin' those folks could probably tell ya how long your ass might live just by listenin' to your ass crack with a stethoscope...they appear to have been WAY ahead of their time...not only in tracking time...but planets...stars...the wobble of the Earth for centuries beyond the length of time they were expected to exist...the building of ENORMOUS stone monuments...some of which contain STONES so large they weigh over 100+ tons...objects we can't even begin to imagine moving with the modern equipment we have available today...funny thing that...in all the excavations and archaeological digs...NOBODY has ever uncovered any tobacco related products...lighting utensils...or ashtrays...stuff ya would think pretty easy to manufacture...what with all the other technological leaps they seemed capable of making...please...pleASE...PLEASE...if you do exist (Annunaki)...come save me...there are a few of us that have evolved beyond our useful capacity to educate the masses...the Jesus concept worked when there weren't that many idiots...but the population explosion has made it impossible to save many of the shallow end swimmers...and with that...you're gonna hafta excuse me...I need to go spend a few cigarettes in the bathroom...then I think I'll nap for a pack or two...get up make some coffee and cough through another carton of work tomorrow...have a Great Day!!!

YANKEES 10...TIGERS 9

One of three male motorists picks their nose while driving...

Alright...before we get started with the tidbit...many of you may be wondering just what the hell the title for the tidbit is all about...it would almost appear as though it were the final score of a baseball game...at first glance that's what many of you probably thought...and just as many of you who are familiar with MLB...were scratchin' your heads...wonderin' WTF it could possibly mean in the post season...since the two teams are not playin' one another...nor did either of them post a score with those numbers in the games that they have played...it is essentially a cleverly disguised tactic to further confuse my Momma...she of the grand understanding of playoff formats for baseball...the two teams named are my favorite two teams...and in my opinion the National League doesn't factor in...those teams suck ass...and should be outlawed...anyway...these being my two favorite teams...it is a seldom sen occasion when they are in the post season together...and not by any fault of the YANKEES...who are there almost every year...hint...hint...as I was sayin'...the numbers present next to each team name represent the number of games they need to WIN in order to bring home the WS Title and Trophy...the Tigers have actually played one more game than the Yankees...but that will be short lived in the second round should these teams face off once again...now on with the tidbit...there are a couple of things I picked up on right away...the first being...this is NOTTA problem associated with American males...it must be from an overseas country...where DRIVERS...are often given the misnomer of MOTORISTS...because we do NOT refer to ourselves as such...and to be honest...I do NOT see an issue with them picking their noses...wherever they are...and here's why...#1...they don't live here...they probably live in one of those ass backward countries that place their MOTORISTS in the right hand seat of the vehicle...driving on the wrong side of the road presents many problems for the MOTORIST in question...they have enough going on without worrying about being offensive with their nasal nugget adventures...#2...they don't live here...so what do I care if they pick their noses while driving...as far as I am concerned they can do it with their toes and impress me with their Youtube videos of talented idiots in far off countries...it's really no more impressive than women putting on their make-up while in bumper to bumper traffic at 70 miles an hour...you only watch because you can't wait for the accident...#3...they don't live here...so their nasty little nostril clearing habits are of no concern to me...I would rather see somebody sitting in the car next to me picking their nose than playing on their phone...how many times have I said it class...TECHNOLOGY has made us lazy and careless...and in most cases...a hazard to ourselves and others...NOBODY makes commercials advertising the possibility of killing yourself in an accident while nose picking...they do however make them regarding the last text their friend read before plowing into a tree or another vehicle head on...picking your nose does not impede your ability to drive in most cases...it does not impair your vision...at least it shouldn't...if you are diggin that deep...your problems lie further up the passage than a little ball of snot...see a frontal lobotomist and save us all some trouble...nor does picking your nose distract your attention from driving...at least it shouldn't...it's not like itsa damn trophy...if you're starin' at the damn thing like its a prize trophy...stop somewhere and buy a pedestal for placement procedures and get back on track...I think you oughtta hafta drive naked...it would sure eliminate alotta the other dumb shit that people do while driving...and it would make it less complicated for first responders to assess the situation at the accident scene...which might help them save your life...they'll either be able to dislodge that phalanges from the nasal cavity...or better yet use the jaws of life to remove your head from the anal cavity it has been so successfully buried in for the past half century...I for one seldom pick my nose while driving...for two reasons...I seldom drive anymore...it just doesn't hold the same sexy appeal it did when I was a teenager...and number two...because I prefer the farmer's hanky method of clearing the sinus passages...its less messy...ya just knuckle off a nostril and let it fly...repeat with the other side and ya never hafta get your fingers dirty...yeah ya getta few strange sideways glances from the gawking gallery...but they keep their traps shut because they don't want you to aim the next nasal blast in their direction...pick 'em and flick 'em...or play and spray I always say...pick your poison...not your nose...but hey...on the bright side...there's a new commercial for the countries where this is common...NOSE PICKING WHILE DRIVING...STILL SAFER THAN TEXTING!!!

NO-DAK!!!

In North Dakota it is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on...

Idk if any of you have ever been to North Dakota...I was unfortunate enough to spend 4 years of my life in that flat frozen tundra...and I can assure you...NOBODY in North Dakota has EVER had the idea of laying down...shoes on or off...to take a little afternoon nap...winter there lasts FOREVER... and summer months last about an hour and a half towards the end of July and the beginning of August...then it gets cold again...I wouldn't even recommend traveling through that state...avoid it at all costs...if you find yourself in North Dakota...you are LOST...your ONLY hope is that you have enough gas to make it to Montana or Minnesota...depending on your current route of travel...do yourself a favor...DON'T STOP...if you are traveling west to east you have the benefit of a tail wind to help you make your escape...if you are goin' east to west...the head winds will deplete your current gas supply significantly quicker...in other words...you be f**ked...I'll tell ya...I've been through all 50 states...may not have actually taken up roots in them but I've at least driven through them on the way to the next stop...and as much as my taste for Northern Michigan has soured...I wouldn't trade this little spot on the map for the whole state of North Dakota...you know what they have in North Dakota..SAND...and...SNOW...and plenty of wind to push it around...ya know what they don't have...EVERYTHING ELSE...maybe a few fields of winter wheat...ass load of good that'll do ya... hell they're probably still importing Christmas trees from other states during Christmas...I know you think I'm jokin...but I'm NOT...the ONLY trees growing in this frozen region of the planet are planted by home owners...they align the west and north side of the residence to serve as a wind block...you don't see them growing out in the wild like ya do in other places...I'm surprised anyone in North Dakota even has shoes...musta stole them from somebody that ran out of gas...ya know what they manufacture out there in North Dakota...DIRT...by the bucket loads...I don't wanna say the place is flat...but the ONLY place they have hills left is in areas where they have done excavation...the hills are leftover dirt from the new HOLE in the ground...ya know what my favorite thing to do was while I was stationed there during Desert Storm...go on VACATION...to other states...where there were people...hills...and trees...ruined my taste for the USAF I can tell ya that much...because any Dept. of Defense related entity that thinks burying big ass bombs in the frozen underground chambers...commonly called missile silos...of a forgotten patch of land...hasn't much use for a logical thinker like me...our ideas of fun didn't quite jibe with one another...they found it funny to launch war games in the middle of winter...when it was -100 below with the windchill...the only problem with that was the fact that they wanted to stick Airmen Wixson on the watch with an M-16...in bunny pants...a parka...mukluks...and mittens so ignorantly enormous you hadda better shot at beating somebody to death than ya did of ever getting off a shot...and that in itself posed a very serious issue...at least for me...because LOGICAL people...FRIEND OR FOE...have NO desire to attempt to steal bombs during a f**kin' blizzard...it causes too many logistical complications...such as...it's a f**kin' BLIZZARD...(I know what you're thinkin'...well Kevin...they didn't put you out there to STOP logical thinking people...it's the illogical idiots they were trying to prevent from procuring primary Weapon's of Mass Destruction)...RIGHT...listen...ass slappin' silly sons-a-bitches from Siberia wouldn't walk the winter wonderlands of North Dakota lookin' for a nuke...especially when they can get them from third world countries...where it is significantly WARMER...and closer to home...it's so cold up in those parts...people that don't fall asleep with their shoes on...run the risk of waking up with frozen feet...I know several of you are laughin' your asses off thinkin'...Kevin must be crazy...far from it...I've actually seen guys walk around outside in the winter for 10-15 minutes...hop back inside a warm building and WIPE their moustache right off their lip...I've personally taken part in frozen pissin' contests...if you're brave enough to let little willie out of the cage long enough to piss outside...on the side of a brick or metal building...it will freeze upon contact and sometimes it doesn't reach the ground until the Spring thaw...which occurs the third week of June...I've been to some of the most amazing places this country has to offer...and NONE of them were located in North Dakota...hell up until I joined the service it was probably the only state I had NOT been in...since I became honorably discharged I have NEVER been back NOR had the desire...the whole rest of the country could be overrun by little Mandarin speakin'...close-eyed munchkins...leaving ND all alone for the rest of us...and ya know what...I would learn to like Szechuan...now I'm NOT sure about the shoe sleeping policy of the people in North Dakota...what I can tell you is that during the winter months it is illegal to pass a stranded motorist...or at least it was...and why on Earth would you do that...because it is TOO F**KIN' COLD to leave people in a vehicle that doesn't work...but it was OKAY to leave them walkin' around aircraft that were undergoing SIMULATED uploading of nuclear weapons...I know...NEVER made sense to me either...that's why I got the hell outta there while I could...seems reasonable and logical to me...that if you are going to SIMULATE the nuclear weapons being present...you can SIMULATE my ass walking around the aircraft...leave me in bed with my boots on in case the SIMULATED bad guys come...I'll be the first one to pop a cap in someone's ass with a thumb and forefinger gun!!!

BRITISH POUNDS A PLENTY!!!

In Britain, banks are required to accept any check that's correctly made out, no matter what it is written on -- even the side of a cow...

...and they wonder why Scotland Yard has such difficulty detecting forgeries...must be a bitch when anyone with a branding iron and a bank account can pay a bill...I do have one question though...what happens to the written article...is there a special cancelling process for accepting payment...that say comes on a side of pork...does the bank have a special slot in their check cancelling machine that they can slip a few cattle through...highly doubtful...who dreams up this dumb shit...do you have any idea how hard it would be to verify the authenticity of a signature slapped on the side of a cow...you can't correctly make out a check on a side of beef with your garden variety ball point pen now can ya???  No...it takes special equipment like branding irons and hot coals...and how much more expensive is that shit than the check that's being written...a pretty pound or two I'd warrant...this DUMBASS actually had it goin' on there for a moment...then he had to go and add the final six words to the tidbit and destroy any possibility of saving face...one glaring fact in modern society causes me to have doubts about the veracity of this author's content...BRITAIN is still a country...if this little tidbit were true...at any point in the history of mankind...either everybody before me was a complete idiot ...or BRITAIN would be somebody's BITCH...because you don't write checks...on the sides of cows or otherwise...that your ass can't cash...had this been even remotely true for a day...BRITISH people wouldn't have a schilling in their socks...let alone a pound in their pocket...they'd be a buncha farthing-less freeloaders lookin for more handouts...and where do ya think they would turn...that's right...to the people that fled that little rock...oh so long ago...in search of anything that wasn't BRITAIN...US...in the U.S....that's where they would turn...to the rabble that has kicked their ass and kept them company since the good old glory days of RWI...(that's Revolutionary War I)...for all you confused offspring from the pebble in the pond just off the coast of Europe...kinda sucks that we hafta babysit these little BRITISH bastards for all of eternity...talk about Empirical mismanagement techniques...holy crap in a kraut helmet BATMAN...ya know whatcha get if you combine U.K. Armed Forces and the French Foreign Legion don'tcha???  Rear echelon baggage handlers for the greatest fighting force on the planet...hey...we saved them...we gotta make use of them somehow...because if we allow them to go it alone...they're as dead as a slow movin' squirrel across 8 lanes of traffic at rush hour...I mean...IDK mean to point fingers and call QUITTERS...QUITTERS... but sometimes when the shoe fits...ya shove it up somebody else's ASS...don't get me wrong...I don't have anything against BRITISH or FRENCH people...they make great cannon fodder...the ONLY reason they occupy so much of the ancient history books is because we weren't around back then...I mean seriously...what chance do they have when the FINAL WORLD WAR breaks out between US & CHINA...I gotta feelin' when the dust settles...we're gonna let those little countries learn Mandarin...long before we jump on the Rosetta Stone bandwagon...I'm just sayin'...these people couldn't fight back a wet fart with a properly inserted butt plug...to say their banking techniques are a little outta whack...focuses attention to the lesser problematic areas of a crumbling Atlantic Kingdom...Monarchy...Malarkey...call it whatcha want...I'm always surprised when the BRITISH are given credit for anything other than TEA...or the FRENCH for anything other than CREPES...the two major contributions they've given to humankind...DRY HUMOR...and ATTITUDE...respectively... being the only other things they excel at...I wish it were true about their little banking fiasco...I'd forge checks so fast...Usain Bolt would hand me his Gold!!!  On a side note...Lemme be the first to say CONGRATULATIONS TO SMOKES & THE TIGERS for winning the first back to back DIVISION TITLES since BEFORE WWII...GOOD LUCK IN THE GAMES THAT WILL MATTER MOST!!!  For those that went to bed late...the YANKEES pulled it out in the bottom of the 12th last night to remain 1 game ahead of the ORIOLES...I didn't even know they still had a team...I thought they quit when Cal Ripken hung up the cleats...but with one game left in the season...and the PLAYOFF PICTURE not yet set...I for one am hoping the ORIOLES get a mysterious case of BALTIMORE BIRD FLU and fall off the block tonight!!!

NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!

Forest fires move faster uphill than they do downhill...

WOW...that's truly amazing...that musta taken like 12 years of after high school education to formulate a theory involving fire and it's ever present possibility to travel faster in an upward direction...lemme see...if memory serves correctly...since about the time the time I entered KINDERGARTEN...it has been a WELL known FACT...that if a FIRE broke out...the first thing you do is what???  It sure the hell isn't STAND-UP..for a very simple reason...HEAT & SMOKE...which are caused by FIRE...RISE...as does FIRE...it doesn't burn in a DOWNWARD DIRECTION...NEVER has and NEVER will...at least NOT without the aid of a science project...making a statement about fire moving faster up hill than downhill is about as useless as saying WATER travels downhill faster than it does uphill...at least in it's natural element...and this is all due to that little thing called GRAVITY...FIRE...which is an element...is obviously lighter than air which allows it to climb...when a fuel source is available above the fire line...it will burn that fuel faster...WATER on the other hand...which is also an element...is heavier than water...which makes it move downhill very rapidly in nature...unless of course I'm missin' somethin'...I for one have NEVER seen water move in an UPWARD direction without the aid of wind...or an outside propulsion system...NOBODY sets their sprinkler on the front lawn to water the clouds...just like NOBODY sets fire to the top of a tree in the hopes of burning it DOWN...we need more OBSERVERS OF OBVIOUSITY like this mental midget moron...with their crippling cranium of chemistry...seems some of us wouldn't be able to survive without them...UNBELIEVABLE the idiocy we have to indoctrinate ourselves with on a daily basis...I gave up weeping for the future along time ago...NOW...I just hang my head in disbelief and beg for mercy...although I suppose I shouldn't ridicule this individual for their inbred ignorance...maybe this was their greatest contribution to the human race...that is after all why most people propagate their parents pennies for an education they received off of a Bazooka Joe wrapper...damn Cracker Jack Chemists...some times it amazes me how absolutely retarded some of these idiots are...I often envision their idiotic grinning gullets as they announce to the world the FACTS they FOUND while fishing around for something useful...these are the people that the Annunaki will leave behind in December...when they swing through and whisk the rest of us off this god-forsaken...feeble minded infestation of a celestial cesspool...at least that's what I'm prayin' for...(and just in case they are monitoring our every word...I have but one ULTIMATUM...leave TONY ROMO here TOO...the only people that like that f**ktard are the overpaid pariahs of professional football on ESPN...you can keep them too...let them all praise each others penchant for mediocrity)...if fire moves faster uphill...somebody needs to put Tony's ass on the highest hill...that guy is the Cowboy's abominal equivalent of DUBYA...an unneeded DUMBASS occupying valuable time in a critical position...I apologize for getting off topic...as you can probably tell I'm watchin' MNF Cowboys/Bears...and if he didn't have PHENOMENAL receivers...he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a damn boat...now some people might say...but Kevin...how can you be so brutal in your judgment of the QB for your favorite team...and to that I say...BECAUSE...when you're the DUMBASS leading my team into the mellow grounds of mediocrity...I've NO use for you...it is your responsibility to carry the mantle...this guy smiles everytime he F**KS somethin' up...like an easy TD pass...if he doesn't need a fire lit under his ass...he damn sure deserves a drowning at the bottom of a water filled pool...by the looks of it Imma need a boatload of medical marijuana just to stomach the rest of this game...but I must say...in all HONESTY...(and yes...I posted this on facebook as well)...if ROMO blew any harder...they would have a new category of HURRICANE...quite capable of extinguishing a forest fire...uphill...downhill...without a hill...ANYWHERE on the PLANET!!!