When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped 12 times around because its the same length as a person's head...
OKAY...let's re-read that tidbit...read it 'til it sinks in...got it...GOOD...ANATOMY 101...people are what??? DIFFERENT from each other...which means??? Their damn heads aren't the same length...so either this idiot doesn't know a damn thing about the art of hanging people...or the poor bastard hired as the hangman hasta have a shitload of rope in various widths...and the process of finding a suitable rope is a timeconsuming endeavor...I've watched an assload of old Western TV shows...and probably just as many movies...that deal with people getting hung...for any number of reasons...and one thing seems to stand out above all else...the most necessary feature of a gallows hanging system...isn't the number of times the rope is wrapped around itself...the effective incident...the one that appears to make the body jerk...jump...and convulse...is the sudden stop at the end of the rope...it doesn't seem to matter what the rope is made of...or how many times its wrapped...it's the rapid descent followed by the immediate stoppage that does the trick...EVERY TIME...if ya don't believe me...you have the right to disagree...however...if you tend to think this subject is open for discussion...stop and consider for a moment the different sizes of peoples heads...Do you mean to tell me that the noggin' on Mr. Gwynne...Freddie to his friends...(Mr. Munster...know who I'm talkin about now...the guy who played the judge in My Cousin Vinny)...that guys head is significantly longer...or greater in length than just about everybody reading this blog...finding a rope thick enough to match this mega hunk of meat would pose a problem...yet I'm fairly certain that attaching a noose that doesn't measure up to the author's purported head length to rope width ratio...and submitting them to the sudden drop method described above...would end in the same result...I mean seriously...since when have nooses been considered out of fashion because they didn't match the length of the person's head who was wearing them??? NEVER...because the appearance of the noose itself is immaterial when it comes to performing a hanging...it's a damn good thing this little piece of information is completely erroneous...otherwise we would have another group of people to deal with who feel their ancestors were slighted...and who would probably also be jumping on the bandwagon of requesting some form of reparations for insufficient rope width being used in the life ending episode of their dearly departed...here's another way to further educate yourselves about the width of the rope used to successfully hang a person...next time you're watching a show that involves somebody being hanged...pay special attention to the noose...especially when they place it around the neck of the poor bastard about to be hanged...9 times out of 10 you'll notice that the noose...once firmly snugged around the neck area...is visible and comparable to the rest of the person's head...seldom will the hangman ensure that the top of the noose is equal to the heigth of the hangee's head...what you will notice is that the noose falls short...or is extensively longer...than the specified requirement...and it still performs the necessary function without forethought...somebody needs to put this method to the test...and I nominate the idiot who posted this piece of irrelevant information...all those in favor...AYE!!!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
03/29/12
Wearing headphones for just one hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times...
Ya know...it's very seldom that we come across pure unbridled ignorance such as this...but when we do... it really makes my day...this guy apparently studied the effects of externally mounted...head worn accessories...and math...in the same cubically enclosed containment area...maybe he shoulda used the larger handi-capable stall for his studying purposes...I wore protective headphones for several years without encountering the presence of brain sucking bacteria...as a matter of fact...under the circumstances that I found these things useful...working in an iron casting manufacturing facility...they probably did more than protect my hearing...they probably kept out at least a ton of dirt and silicon dust that would have otherwise resulted in significant loss of hearing...oh who am I kidding...I hafta lip-read television shows under 5000 decibels...but here's another thing that this moron of mythology left rather vaguely depicted...700 times...700 times what??? 700 times worse than if you wandered around without earphones??? Seriously??? What...do we all possess some sorta magical...Jack and the Beanstalk/ Mexican Jumping Bean Bacteria in our auditory canals??? Does this stuff require an easy exit facility in order to fall out and function other epiderdermally dysfunctional...rapidly decaying... degradation procedures??? And even if it did...wouldn't the headphones just provide a holding station until they were removed??? It is ridiculously implausible to think that using protective headphones...or even the ear bud version associated with teenage idiots who can seem to securely fasten their pants above mid thigh...increases ones potential for creating an overwhelming abundance of ear boogers... relative scientific study...conducted by keeping up with modern technology and the cellular accessories one would associate with optimal use of the ear canal...in conjunction with the fact that most customers purchasing these products tend to buy only one...and not to mention the absence of an ear booger bacteria epidemic being related in any Journal of Modern Medicine...it would seem rather common sensical...(see what being subjected to 8 years of bad grammar and word modification does to ya)...for anyone capable of logical thinking above a 3rd grade level...to find it rather suspicious that enclosing microscopic auditory canal crawling bacteria...would encourage them to multiply like rabbits on Viagra...otherwise we'd be seeing a lot more one eared...inconsiderate assholes carrying on conversations thru the speakers of their phones...instead of the blue tooth ear piece that suffered them the loss of a vital part of their support system for their optical enhancing devices...making their glasses semm lopsided...or creating a unique head-tilting feature that straightens out the eyewear...but causes unenjoyable pressure on the skeletal corridor that carrys the weight of the cranium...and tends to put added stress on the remaining...bacteria filled...booger shooting sound receptacle...creating catastrophic load bearing requirements that result in the epidermal erosion of the outer ear connection...which in turn allows all the free flowing auditory fungus to flee thru a different portal...thereby ending in complete and total...deformation and detachment...of the only things that prevent bald men from looking like Q-tips...and that my friends would be the beginning of the death and destruction of modern technology...future generations would roam the streets in capable of communicating by oral command...the infrastructure of the cellular communications network would collapse...and the History Channel would air shows that could only be interpreted as Charades...the relative story telling of human history would be misinterpreted in such profound new ways...that lawyers slaughtering the subject matter of the U.S. Constitution would seem like Child's Play...I'll continue preaching til the day your ears fall off...from improper headphone accessory applications...to view the things you hear...read...or see...from different perspectives...otherwise you're capable of missing things like... relative social impact of the suffering the sage seems to be spouting off about...because here's the thing...people lose their hearing as time passes by...regardless of whether you wear bacteria bottling headphones or NOT...and when you get to be a certain age...the miniature bugs that may be multiplying behind those ear buds...are of far less concern than the follicle forest that seems to have found a formidable foothold on the outer rim of the inner ridge of these...bacteria filled fungus flingers...I'm more curious about where these rapidly growing...ear foilage...and nasal flora... formations come from...small microscopic sound disrupting bacteria...NOT a problem...ear twigs and nasal trees...cause for concern...it takes a matter of minutes to use some Hydrogen Peroxide to clean out my hearing chambers...it takes hours of intensive...exhaustive labor to rip thru and remove the roots of these lumber-some follicle leeches...a mirror or willing participant...and tweezers capable of maintaining...Jaws of Life like gripping capabilities...good lord...you would thin that with the receding ebb...and incresing flow...of society's acceptance of same sex companionships...that one of these light in the loafers...quasi-ladies...would come up with something that could help limit the amount of lumber like protrusions emanating from sensory enhancing receptacle cavities...I mean...COME ON...there has to be some justifiable reason for them to look appealing enough to potential 'Pitchers'...otherwise we are all in peril of possibly having to play Pictionary when our ears fall off from bad hygiene... commonly associated with piss poor bacteria imprisoning procedures...one recieves thru the considerate usage of headphones!!!
Ya know...it's very seldom that we come across pure unbridled ignorance such as this...but when we do... it really makes my day...this guy apparently studied the effects of externally mounted...head worn accessories...and math...in the same cubically enclosed containment area...maybe he shoulda used the larger handi-capable stall for his studying purposes...I wore protective headphones for several years without encountering the presence of brain sucking bacteria...as a matter of fact...under the circumstances that I found these things useful...working in an iron casting manufacturing facility...they probably did more than protect my hearing...they probably kept out at least a ton of dirt and silicon dust that would have otherwise resulted in significant loss of hearing...oh who am I kidding...I hafta lip-read television shows under 5000 decibels...but here's another thing that this moron of mythology left rather vaguely depicted...700 times...700 times what??? 700 times worse than if you wandered around without earphones??? Seriously??? What...do we all possess some sorta magical...Jack and the Beanstalk/ Mexican Jumping Bean Bacteria in our auditory canals??? Does this stuff require an easy exit facility in order to fall out and function other epiderdermally dysfunctional...rapidly decaying... degradation procedures??? And even if it did...wouldn't the headphones just provide a holding station until they were removed??? It is ridiculously implausible to think that using protective headphones...or even the ear bud version associated with teenage idiots who can seem to securely fasten their pants above mid thigh...increases ones potential for creating an overwhelming abundance of ear boogers... relative scientific study...conducted by keeping up with modern technology and the cellular accessories one would associate with optimal use of the ear canal...in conjunction with the fact that most customers purchasing these products tend to buy only one...and not to mention the absence of an ear booger bacteria epidemic being related in any Journal of Modern Medicine...it would seem rather common sensical...(see what being subjected to 8 years of bad grammar and word modification does to ya)...for anyone capable of logical thinking above a 3rd grade level...to find it rather suspicious that enclosing microscopic auditory canal crawling bacteria...would encourage them to multiply like rabbits on Viagra...otherwise we'd be seeing a lot more one eared...inconsiderate assholes carrying on conversations thru the speakers of their phones...instead of the blue tooth ear piece that suffered them the loss of a vital part of their support system for their optical enhancing devices...making their glasses semm lopsided...or creating a unique head-tilting feature that straightens out the eyewear...but causes unenjoyable pressure on the skeletal corridor that carrys the weight of the cranium...and tends to put added stress on the remaining...bacteria filled...booger shooting sound receptacle...creating catastrophic load bearing requirements that result in the epidermal erosion of the outer ear connection...which in turn allows all the free flowing auditory fungus to flee thru a different portal...thereby ending in complete and total...deformation and detachment...of the only things that prevent bald men from looking like Q-tips...and that my friends would be the beginning of the death and destruction of modern technology...future generations would roam the streets in capable of communicating by oral command...the infrastructure of the cellular communications network would collapse...and the History Channel would air shows that could only be interpreted as Charades...the relative story telling of human history would be misinterpreted in such profound new ways...that lawyers slaughtering the subject matter of the U.S. Constitution would seem like Child's Play...I'll continue preaching til the day your ears fall off...from improper headphone accessory applications...to view the things you hear...read...or see...from different perspectives...otherwise you're capable of missing things like... relative social impact of the suffering the sage seems to be spouting off about...because here's the thing...people lose their hearing as time passes by...regardless of whether you wear bacteria bottling headphones or NOT...and when you get to be a certain age...the miniature bugs that may be multiplying behind those ear buds...are of far less concern than the follicle forest that seems to have found a formidable foothold on the outer rim of the inner ridge of these...bacteria filled fungus flingers...I'm more curious about where these rapidly growing...ear foilage...and nasal flora... formations come from...small microscopic sound disrupting bacteria...NOT a problem...ear twigs and nasal trees...cause for concern...it takes a matter of minutes to use some Hydrogen Peroxide to clean out my hearing chambers...it takes hours of intensive...exhaustive labor to rip thru and remove the roots of these lumber-some follicle leeches...a mirror or willing participant...and tweezers capable of maintaining...Jaws of Life like gripping capabilities...good lord...you would thin that with the receding ebb...and incresing flow...of society's acceptance of same sex companionships...that one of these light in the loafers...quasi-ladies...would come up with something that could help limit the amount of lumber like protrusions emanating from sensory enhancing receptacle cavities...I mean...COME ON...there has to be some justifiable reason for them to look appealing enough to potential 'Pitchers'...otherwise we are all in peril of possibly having to play Pictionary when our ears fall off from bad hygiene... commonly associated with piss poor bacteria imprisoning procedures...one recieves thru the considerate usage of headphones!!!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
03/28/12
A 2" X 4" really only measures 1-1/2" X 3-1/2"...
This tidbit...altho entirely true...has not always been the case...originally a 2 x 4 was exactly that...a board of lumber measuring 2 inches by 4 inches...as happens with most things during the evolution process...things changed...women were awarded their rights...as some believe they should have been...and proceeded to find gainful employment within various fields of the construction industry...it was during this time that the 2 x 4 actually changed its dimensional appearance...men who had been working their entire field in the construction industry had grown accustomed to lying to their wives...and/or girlfriends about the size and girth of similar anatomic appendages or protrusions...to such an extent that in order for their secret to remain firmly out of reach of the female species...drastic reduction to the overall size of 'natural' wood materials was inevitable...couldn't have Heidi Homebuilder coming home from the jobsite...hoppin in the shower with her husband Harry...and proclaiming that his plank of 'wood' didn't actually measure out to be 10"...but more closely resembled an inch and a half...that is the sole reason for the reduction of material associated with exact measurements...if Heidi hits the workplace thinking that a 2 x 4 actually and accurately represents a specific measurement...she is more likely to buy into husband Harry's bloated 'board' measurements regarding his own belongings...that or it was a simple process of wood mills wanting to make more money by shaving down their standard products an advertising them as representative of the actual width and depth...unfortunately this translated into homes that are inferiorly built in comparison to their older ancestors...take a look around next time you're out driving thru the countryside...you'll probably run across an old farmhouse with a Centennial placard in the front yard signifying that the house has stood in that present location for over a hundred years...while right down the road there'll be a brand new house just being moved into that will stand in that present location for approximately 50 years before needing significant remodeling...it's a process people...called supply and demand...one that the wood mills of this world seemed to grasp firmly from its inception...if you don't create the DEMAND for your products you won't need to worry about providing the SUPPLY because you'll be out of business...this concept runs rampant in the products we use every day...automobiles included...remember when you could ride in a vehicle...as a kid...standing up between the front bucket seats...without worrying about safety belts and air-bags...that's because the vehicles were made out of materials that lasted longer...even the oil companies have jumped on board...there used to be a time in this country when auto manufacturers offered their respective models with maintenance guidelines that suggested changing the oil every 5,000 miles...these days you can't go around the block to get breakfast without needing to replace something...it's gotten ridiculously outta control...and all because of greed... if you really wanna f**k with somebody...go to your local lumberyard and buy a quantity of 2 x 4's...load them into the truck...take them home for a few hours...then return to the store and demand to speak to the manager...inform them that you are going to be filing a lawsuit for false advertising...demand to be re-imbursed for the missing material you have already paid for...this really chaps their asses...because 9 times out of 10...the sales invoice will still list them product as a 2 x 4...and the threat of suing over false advertising practices usually makes a business owners asshole pucker...NOTHING screams of bad advertising like being wrapped up in a lawsuit with a local community member...who won't keep their mouth shut...could result in a small financial windfall if you play your cards right...regardless of the real reasons behind this travesty...one thing to keep in mind if you were unfamiliar with this false advertising procedure before today...is the relative size of other things men describe with enthusiasm...chances are the guy braggin about his canyon carving capabilities while pissin in the great outdoors...couldn't fill the hole left by the pointy end of a tack in a piece of drywall...it's the ones who keep quiet who really lay down the lumber ladies...and on that note...I'll shut up...LMAO!!!
This tidbit...altho entirely true...has not always been the case...originally a 2 x 4 was exactly that...a board of lumber measuring 2 inches by 4 inches...as happens with most things during the evolution process...things changed...women were awarded their rights...as some believe they should have been...and proceeded to find gainful employment within various fields of the construction industry...it was during this time that the 2 x 4 actually changed its dimensional appearance...men who had been working their entire field in the construction industry had grown accustomed to lying to their wives...and/or girlfriends about the size and girth of similar anatomic appendages or protrusions...to such an extent that in order for their secret to remain firmly out of reach of the female species...drastic reduction to the overall size of 'natural' wood materials was inevitable...couldn't have Heidi Homebuilder coming home from the jobsite...hoppin in the shower with her husband Harry...and proclaiming that his plank of 'wood' didn't actually measure out to be 10"...but more closely resembled an inch and a half...that is the sole reason for the reduction of material associated with exact measurements...if Heidi hits the workplace thinking that a 2 x 4 actually and accurately represents a specific measurement...she is more likely to buy into husband Harry's bloated 'board' measurements regarding his own belongings...that or it was a simple process of wood mills wanting to make more money by shaving down their standard products an advertising them as representative of the actual width and depth...unfortunately this translated into homes that are inferiorly built in comparison to their older ancestors...take a look around next time you're out driving thru the countryside...you'll probably run across an old farmhouse with a Centennial placard in the front yard signifying that the house has stood in that present location for over a hundred years...while right down the road there'll be a brand new house just being moved into that will stand in that present location for approximately 50 years before needing significant remodeling...it's a process people...called supply and demand...one that the wood mills of this world seemed to grasp firmly from its inception...if you don't create the DEMAND for your products you won't need to worry about providing the SUPPLY because you'll be out of business...this concept runs rampant in the products we use every day...automobiles included...remember when you could ride in a vehicle...as a kid...standing up between the front bucket seats...without worrying about safety belts and air-bags...that's because the vehicles were made out of materials that lasted longer...even the oil companies have jumped on board...there used to be a time in this country when auto manufacturers offered their respective models with maintenance guidelines that suggested changing the oil every 5,000 miles...these days you can't go around the block to get breakfast without needing to replace something...it's gotten ridiculously outta control...and all because of greed... if you really wanna f**k with somebody...go to your local lumberyard and buy a quantity of 2 x 4's...load them into the truck...take them home for a few hours...then return to the store and demand to speak to the manager...inform them that you are going to be filing a lawsuit for false advertising...demand to be re-imbursed for the missing material you have already paid for...this really chaps their asses...because 9 times out of 10...the sales invoice will still list them product as a 2 x 4...and the threat of suing over false advertising practices usually makes a business owners asshole pucker...NOTHING screams of bad advertising like being wrapped up in a lawsuit with a local community member...who won't keep their mouth shut...could result in a small financial windfall if you play your cards right...regardless of the real reasons behind this travesty...one thing to keep in mind if you were unfamiliar with this false advertising procedure before today...is the relative size of other things men describe with enthusiasm...chances are the guy braggin about his canyon carving capabilities while pissin in the great outdoors...couldn't fill the hole left by the pointy end of a tack in a piece of drywall...it's the ones who keep quiet who really lay down the lumber ladies...and on that note...I'll shut up...LMAO!!!
03/27/12
Courduroy comes from the French, meaning "cloth of the King"...
This is a rather funny piece of information...who wasn't forced to wear some obnoxious bell bottomed version of courduroy pants by their parents back in the '70's??? Yeah...I was too...and if ya know her personally she probably has some really ugly ass pictures of me dressed up in them somewhere in her volumes of photo albums that I can't wait to inherit...just kiddin' Ma...keep them as long as you want them...I'm in NO rush to relive those godawful Saturday Night Fever Fashion Faux Paus things you used to dress us up in...if courduroy is such a regal material from which to sew together strips of cloth for external appearance enhancing qualities...why does it make fat people sound like a cricket with a club foot trying to determine the current temperature during warm weather conditions??? The only advantage courduroy ever provided was a reasonable excuse for covering the sound of an anally lifted air biscuit...I don't know why Kings would want to claim it...it's NOT like it was a quiet material suitable for sneaking around the castle at night looking for some nookie...I mean a cookie...I don't know why the shit still exists...it's a loud obnoxious material that extremely overweight individuals seem to insist on wearing when all their spandex applications are dirty...ya ever thought you heard a hundred hivves of bees fly by...all in a sudden blinding dash of khaki colored light...that was a fat man flyin for the shitter...ya wanna know where I intend to use courduroy next??? Thought ya might so here is my grand plan...I'm going to have the interior lining of my casket sewn in courduroy...thats right...for practical joke purposes right up to the end...I'll incorporate subtle hydraulic systems with motion detecting equipment...which hopefully I will live to see advance beyond visibly detected laser beams...all that in conjunction with personalized audio recordings and a specific schedule for order of appearance at the side of the casket...should allow for some rather engaging episodes of eruptive laughter...when certain people approach...a simple shit of the casket should produce the slightest sound of alleviating any residual methane gas stored in the rectal cavity...an audio clip placing blame on the unsuspecting...teary-eyed visitor might serve to lighten the mood a little...because one things for sure...those familiar with some of my life's activities can't say that it was a dull adventure...there'll be a video montage of greatest moments...clearing out the room that housed The Hope Diamond at the Smithsonian...episodes of emergency evacuation along some interstate on the eastern seaboard...gall bladder removal related adventures out into public settings that damn near ended in terms often associated with Natural Disasters...enjoyable moments of meditation under the influence of medicine during relative testing and surgical procedures...funny stories surrounding midnight encounters with bored State Police officers who were so astonished at my incredible wit and sense of humor that they let me go with a warning when they could have locked me up and impounded my car...I really wasn't going that fast...considering the hour and absence of influential traffic...triple digit odometer readings aren't necessarily excessive...or are they??? Anyway...as I was saying...courduroy encased casketry could be a new line of work for me...hey if anyone can sell the idea...I can...just think of the endearing qualities of courduroy as a casketable interior application...less susceptible to corpse slippage than satin...keeps the noise of thumps and bumps created by transporting the deceased to their final resting place to a barely audible experience for all the affected...courduroy is also more resistant to worm feeding methods and should serve to protect the integrity of an old bag of flesh and bones for at least 3 more months than traditional satin or simple cloth sheeting...and let's NOT forget it's Empirical aesthetic appeal...who wouldn't want to be buried like a King even if they lived like a pauper...this could be the rebirthing idea of the century...Kevin's Colorful Cost Efficient Courduroy Caskets...available in an assortment of nasty ass shades...Pea Soup Green...Perfectly Plum Purple... Baby Shit Shades of Squash and Cranberries...oh the possibilities are endless...all I need is some financial backing for some of these ideas and I'd be a Copyright millionaire in a coupla millenia...cuz by then I'm sure somebody somewhere will have tried them...or better yet...I'll open an online shop that specializes in custom color matching courduroy suits and colostomy bags...that way everybody will think that smell you're toting around in your shit sack is coming from those lovely sounds of anal alleviation you create while walking...Anybody who wants to get in on the ground floor of these vividly imaginative...forward thinking...futuristic concepts can send cash or money order contributions to me personally thru Google Checkout or Paypal Services!!!
This is a rather funny piece of information...who wasn't forced to wear some obnoxious bell bottomed version of courduroy pants by their parents back in the '70's??? Yeah...I was too...and if ya know her personally she probably has some really ugly ass pictures of me dressed up in them somewhere in her volumes of photo albums that I can't wait to inherit...just kiddin' Ma...keep them as long as you want them...I'm in NO rush to relive those godawful Saturday Night Fever Fashion Faux Paus things you used to dress us up in...if courduroy is such a regal material from which to sew together strips of cloth for external appearance enhancing qualities...why does it make fat people sound like a cricket with a club foot trying to determine the current temperature during warm weather conditions??? The only advantage courduroy ever provided was a reasonable excuse for covering the sound of an anally lifted air biscuit...I don't know why Kings would want to claim it...it's NOT like it was a quiet material suitable for sneaking around the castle at night looking for some nookie...I mean a cookie...I don't know why the shit still exists...it's a loud obnoxious material that extremely overweight individuals seem to insist on wearing when all their spandex applications are dirty...ya ever thought you heard a hundred hivves of bees fly by...all in a sudden blinding dash of khaki colored light...that was a fat man flyin for the shitter...ya wanna know where I intend to use courduroy next??? Thought ya might so here is my grand plan...I'm going to have the interior lining of my casket sewn in courduroy...thats right...for practical joke purposes right up to the end...I'll incorporate subtle hydraulic systems with motion detecting equipment...which hopefully I will live to see advance beyond visibly detected laser beams...all that in conjunction with personalized audio recordings and a specific schedule for order of appearance at the side of the casket...should allow for some rather engaging episodes of eruptive laughter...when certain people approach...a simple shit of the casket should produce the slightest sound of alleviating any residual methane gas stored in the rectal cavity...an audio clip placing blame on the unsuspecting...teary-eyed visitor might serve to lighten the mood a little...because one things for sure...those familiar with some of my life's activities can't say that it was a dull adventure...there'll be a video montage of greatest moments...clearing out the room that housed The Hope Diamond at the Smithsonian...episodes of emergency evacuation along some interstate on the eastern seaboard...gall bladder removal related adventures out into public settings that damn near ended in terms often associated with Natural Disasters...enjoyable moments of meditation under the influence of medicine during relative testing and surgical procedures...funny stories surrounding midnight encounters with bored State Police officers who were so astonished at my incredible wit and sense of humor that they let me go with a warning when they could have locked me up and impounded my car...I really wasn't going that fast...considering the hour and absence of influential traffic...triple digit odometer readings aren't necessarily excessive...or are they??? Anyway...as I was saying...courduroy encased casketry could be a new line of work for me...hey if anyone can sell the idea...I can...just think of the endearing qualities of courduroy as a casketable interior application...less susceptible to corpse slippage than satin...keeps the noise of thumps and bumps created by transporting the deceased to their final resting place to a barely audible experience for all the affected...courduroy is also more resistant to worm feeding methods and should serve to protect the integrity of an old bag of flesh and bones for at least 3 more months than traditional satin or simple cloth sheeting...and let's NOT forget it's Empirical aesthetic appeal...who wouldn't want to be buried like a King even if they lived like a pauper...this could be the rebirthing idea of the century...Kevin's Colorful Cost Efficient Courduroy Caskets...available in an assortment of nasty ass shades...Pea Soup Green...Perfectly Plum Purple... Baby Shit Shades of Squash and Cranberries...oh the possibilities are endless...all I need is some financial backing for some of these ideas and I'd be a Copyright millionaire in a coupla millenia...cuz by then I'm sure somebody somewhere will have tried them...or better yet...I'll open an online shop that specializes in custom color matching courduroy suits and colostomy bags...that way everybody will think that smell you're toting around in your shit sack is coming from those lovely sounds of anal alleviation you create while walking...Anybody who wants to get in on the ground floor of these vividly imaginative...forward thinking...futuristic concepts can send cash or money order contributions to me personally thru Google Checkout or Paypal Services!!!
Monday, March 26, 2012
03/26/12
Average number of days a West German goes without washing their underwear: 7
That should be NO big surprise to anyone of the female gender who has ever done laundry...for themselves...or a whole family...laundry is not an everyday chore...want proof...I don't wear restrictive undergarments of any sort...however I do wear clothes...and the average number of days they go without being washed: 7...once a week...because contrary to popular belief...the local laundr-o-mat is not a haven for picking up hot women...and I have other shit I'd like to do with my life than make sure all the clothes I'm not currently wearing are 100% clean...I have more...as long as they're NOT strewn all over the floor...the hamper isn't overflowing...and I can still find something on a hanger in the closet...who needs to do assloads of laundry??? This tidbit was a well crafted disguise to see who was actually paying attention...NO I didn't come up with it myself...but I give mad appreciation to the like minded genius who did...I'll bet more than half of you read that initial statement and thought...THAT'S GROSS... when in actuality...everyone of you who is absent a clothes cleaning OCD probably does the very same thing...think about it...today is Monday...if you're ass doesn't wash the clothes you're currently wearing before the weekend...which by the way was when you last did laundry...then you have great potential for living in West Germany as an American ex-patriate...it's funny when you see people read something...or hear something...and they curl up their nose and scrunch up their faces... like they just gotta big whiff of Sasquatch shit and 3 month old garbage...only to see their reaction... at times like these...when it is finally revealed to them that the very thing they turned their nose up to just a mere matter of moments ago...they too are more than guilty of...NOW...had the tidbit informed us that these people living in West Germany didn't change their underwear for an average of 7 days...I probably woulda informed those of you familiar with WWII history...as seen thru my eyes...that the overwhelming...pungent...genital stench spewing forth from the Western side of Germany...was the sole reason for the construction of the Berlin Wall...the prevailing jet stream...which is created by the earth's rotational spin...runs West to East...this incomprehensible concept for some...is what pushed this squallid...ball-sac...spoiled yeast and yogurt...anally accented aroma to permeate the Eastern side of Berlin...which...if viewed from that perspective...sheds a whole new light on the war-time 'atrocities' that were committed by Hitler's Nazi regime...they weren't rounding up tattooed bald people for gassing...just so they could exterminate a race of people they found despicable...they were trying to stiffle the smell of those shit smellin'...sheep farmers...who didn't wash for a week...they had tried several other methods of masking the smell to NO avail...apparently preparing human flesh with a burning...suffocating material like noxious gas...allowing the bodies to marinade in it until they stopped moving...and then burning them in huge abundance was all it took to firmly stomp out the smell of their freedom loving family and friends who couldn't afford water...now I'm NOT trying to condone what occured over there during that war...often times I use different groups of people in my daily commentary...sometimes to make light of an unsavorable situation...and if that bothers any of you...SO WHAT...it's my blog...deal with it...LOL...no but seriously...certain ethnicities associated with atrocities throughout human history...seem to feel that they deserve a special status...or that they are OWED something...and I guess to a degree...I agree with them...if you personally...as a member of an ethnicity...or religious group...or whatever conglomeration of crap you belong too...have been systematically subjected to cruel...unusual...inhumane acts against the entire lot of your kind...you are a survivor of said atrocity...and feel that somebody OWES you something...I say...GO GET IT...FROM THEM...those who committed the act against your kind...don't stand around for 30-40-50 years and keep cryin' the same old bullshit...we are all aware of how bad the Nazi's treated the Jews...but...if you are devoutly religious...and believe in a faith involving Jesus Christ as the one true Son of God...the you know there isn't one single Jew in heaven...killing the Creator's only heir to the throne...granted he'll NEVER get to sit in it either way...dead or alive...is a crime punishable by eternal damnation in a place called HELL...maybe the Nazi's were just trying to speed up the process...I'm well aware that several people exist today who are direct descendants of the people who were lead into those gas chambers...and they're probably extremely offended if they happen to be reading this...and that really is sad...because here's the thing...your people killed Jesus...and were eventually used to mask an unpleasant aroma to the tune of a couple million...they were then given reparations for the atrocities committed against them in the form of ill-gotten spoils...awarded to ease the pain and suffering...finally ending up owning every square inch of available space in Hollywood...and damn near every financial institution in America...and WE were the ones who saved them...WTF...maybe we shoulda waited a couple more years before getting involved...suddenly sacrificing American soldiers in Europe in trade for a future full of movies out of Hollywood that shoulda stayed in unread book form...and a shitty economy...doesn't seem like such a good decision does it...sure we coulda dropped the bombs on Germany instead of Japan...and tried to fight a naval battle chasing ships around an island spotted open ocean...but that isn't what happened...apparently you can't use nuclear weapons as a trump card against dictators who use gas on people...even tho it wasn't in order to mask the smell of 7 day old... sweat stained...shit dweller's...and when ya stop to think about the message that would have sent to the global public...we probably wouldn't have half the problems we do today...drop a bomb on the gas-loving Nazi's during WWII...you'd have solid evidence to point to when threatening other countries...Iraq steps outta control in 1991...invades another country...is accused of gassing Kurds...hey dipshit...did you see what we did in WWII...and they were trying to cover up the smell of dirty socks and underwear...they woulda backed the hell outta Kuwait in hours...instead we sent the message that if you sink all of our boats when we decide to park them next to each other in a closed and confined space...we will take the technology we stole from the scientists of the gas-friendly German regime...and try and annihilate you're entire country...yet you don't seem to hear the people of Japan cry about what we did to millions of their ancestors...NOT over several years...in a SINGLE DAY...and you know why...because we are a country that isn't concerned with the war-time atrocities we commit against others...we are only concerned with the atrocities they commit against others... that's a very omnipotent characteristic that has been present in every FAILED Empire throughout history...if we are NOT careful and concerned for those who volunteer their lives in support of an Imperialistic effort towrds worldwide...'DEMOCRACY'...as it is often misnamed...we may find ourselves one day sharing a southern border with a buncha people who only bathe when they're swimming for our shores...or be invaded and conquered by a country that can't seem to control it's population within it's own borders...and NOT necessarily in a militaristic style...or have those two things already happened??? Where are my 7 day old...skid-marked...skivvies when I need them?!?!
That should be NO big surprise to anyone of the female gender who has ever done laundry...for themselves...or a whole family...laundry is not an everyday chore...want proof...I don't wear restrictive undergarments of any sort...however I do wear clothes...and the average number of days they go without being washed: 7...once a week...because contrary to popular belief...the local laundr-o-mat is not a haven for picking up hot women...and I have other shit I'd like to do with my life than make sure all the clothes I'm not currently wearing are 100% clean...I have more...as long as they're NOT strewn all over the floor...the hamper isn't overflowing...and I can still find something on a hanger in the closet...who needs to do assloads of laundry??? This tidbit was a well crafted disguise to see who was actually paying attention...NO I didn't come up with it myself...but I give mad appreciation to the like minded genius who did...I'll bet more than half of you read that initial statement and thought...THAT'S GROSS... when in actuality...everyone of you who is absent a clothes cleaning OCD probably does the very same thing...think about it...today is Monday...if you're ass doesn't wash the clothes you're currently wearing before the weekend...which by the way was when you last did laundry...then you have great potential for living in West Germany as an American ex-patriate...it's funny when you see people read something...or hear something...and they curl up their nose and scrunch up their faces... like they just gotta big whiff of Sasquatch shit and 3 month old garbage...only to see their reaction... at times like these...when it is finally revealed to them that the very thing they turned their nose up to just a mere matter of moments ago...they too are more than guilty of...NOW...had the tidbit informed us that these people living in West Germany didn't change their underwear for an average of 7 days...I probably woulda informed those of you familiar with WWII history...as seen thru my eyes...that the overwhelming...pungent...genital stench spewing forth from the Western side of Germany...was the sole reason for the construction of the Berlin Wall...the prevailing jet stream...which is created by the earth's rotational spin...runs West to East...this incomprehensible concept for some...is what pushed this squallid...ball-sac...spoiled yeast and yogurt...anally accented aroma to permeate the Eastern side of Berlin...which...if viewed from that perspective...sheds a whole new light on the war-time 'atrocities' that were committed by Hitler's Nazi regime...they weren't rounding up tattooed bald people for gassing...just so they could exterminate a race of people they found despicable...they were trying to stiffle the smell of those shit smellin'...sheep farmers...who didn't wash for a week...they had tried several other methods of masking the smell to NO avail...apparently preparing human flesh with a burning...suffocating material like noxious gas...allowing the bodies to marinade in it until they stopped moving...and then burning them in huge abundance was all it took to firmly stomp out the smell of their freedom loving family and friends who couldn't afford water...now I'm NOT trying to condone what occured over there during that war...often times I use different groups of people in my daily commentary...sometimes to make light of an unsavorable situation...and if that bothers any of you...SO WHAT...it's my blog...deal with it...LOL...no but seriously...certain ethnicities associated with atrocities throughout human history...seem to feel that they deserve a special status...or that they are OWED something...and I guess to a degree...I agree with them...if you personally...as a member of an ethnicity...or religious group...or whatever conglomeration of crap you belong too...have been systematically subjected to cruel...unusual...inhumane acts against the entire lot of your kind...you are a survivor of said atrocity...and feel that somebody OWES you something...I say...GO GET IT...FROM THEM...those who committed the act against your kind...don't stand around for 30-40-50 years and keep cryin' the same old bullshit...we are all aware of how bad the Nazi's treated the Jews...but...if you are devoutly religious...and believe in a faith involving Jesus Christ as the one true Son of God...the you know there isn't one single Jew in heaven...killing the Creator's only heir to the throne...granted he'll NEVER get to sit in it either way...dead or alive...is a crime punishable by eternal damnation in a place called HELL...maybe the Nazi's were just trying to speed up the process...I'm well aware that several people exist today who are direct descendants of the people who were lead into those gas chambers...and they're probably extremely offended if they happen to be reading this...and that really is sad...because here's the thing...your people killed Jesus...and were eventually used to mask an unpleasant aroma to the tune of a couple million...they were then given reparations for the atrocities committed against them in the form of ill-gotten spoils...awarded to ease the pain and suffering...finally ending up owning every square inch of available space in Hollywood...and damn near every financial institution in America...and WE were the ones who saved them...WTF...maybe we shoulda waited a couple more years before getting involved...suddenly sacrificing American soldiers in Europe in trade for a future full of movies out of Hollywood that shoulda stayed in unread book form...and a shitty economy...doesn't seem like such a good decision does it...sure we coulda dropped the bombs on Germany instead of Japan...and tried to fight a naval battle chasing ships around an island spotted open ocean...but that isn't what happened...apparently you can't use nuclear weapons as a trump card against dictators who use gas on people...even tho it wasn't in order to mask the smell of 7 day old... sweat stained...shit dweller's...and when ya stop to think about the message that would have sent to the global public...we probably wouldn't have half the problems we do today...drop a bomb on the gas-loving Nazi's during WWII...you'd have solid evidence to point to when threatening other countries...Iraq steps outta control in 1991...invades another country...is accused of gassing Kurds...hey dipshit...did you see what we did in WWII...and they were trying to cover up the smell of dirty socks and underwear...they woulda backed the hell outta Kuwait in hours...instead we sent the message that if you sink all of our boats when we decide to park them next to each other in a closed and confined space...we will take the technology we stole from the scientists of the gas-friendly German regime...and try and annihilate you're entire country...yet you don't seem to hear the people of Japan cry about what we did to millions of their ancestors...NOT over several years...in a SINGLE DAY...and you know why...because we are a country that isn't concerned with the war-time atrocities we commit against others...we are only concerned with the atrocities they commit against others... that's a very omnipotent characteristic that has been present in every FAILED Empire throughout history...if we are NOT careful and concerned for those who volunteer their lives in support of an Imperialistic effort towrds worldwide...'DEMOCRACY'...as it is often misnamed...we may find ourselves one day sharing a southern border with a buncha people who only bathe when they're swimming for our shores...or be invaded and conquered by a country that can't seem to control it's population within it's own borders...and NOT necessarily in a militaristic style...or have those two things already happened??? Where are my 7 day old...skid-marked...skivvies when I need them?!?!
Friday, March 23, 2012
03/23/12
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the zoo...
Ya know...due to certain daily tidbit lore that is provided by Momma from who knows how many different websites...I have had to become more familiar with WWII history than I'd like to...on occasion it takes a couple moments of extensive research to afford myself the knowledge of all pertinent information...this is NOT one of those times...but I just thought I'd point that out...lol...this sentence at first glance...might give the American reader moment to pause...notice I said American reader there...remember that for it may come into play later in the story...isn't this fun...each one of these is like a little roller coaster ride thru my own warped way of looking at things...and you are all the crash test dummies...hey that's what you are when you don't have to buy a ticket to enjoy the show...so shut up or I'll make it go faster...NOW...where were we...Oh yes...might give the American reader moment to pause...wondering...how in the hell did we drop our first bomb on the zoo...who was the idiot flying that plane...and what did he think all those animals in the bomb sight thing-a-ma-jig were...some sorta Nazi experiment gone wrong...(didn't we cover that yesterday???) Didn't I say shut up...but here's where the American reader needs to pay attention to exactly what the tidbit tells us...for we've covered these waste of space whine asses a time or two already...and in recent blog post to I might add...the FIRST bomb dropped by the ALLIES...is the clue that eludes to the truth of the matter...WE...the U.S. of A....weren't members of the ALLIES when the FIRST bomb was dropped...therefore it had to be a British pilot who committed this beautiful display of errant bomb dropping bravado...because it couldn't have been the French...the only thing those wannabe saved by real soldier Samaritans were capable of flying was a white flag...which doesn't require much of a pilot...and doesn't have the dimensional capabilities nor structural strength to carry and deliver bombs...SO...now we've narrowed down the...'who'...part of the equation...but what is the...WHY??? Well the 'why' would involve another toast eating tea breaker...Winston Churchill...who mistakenly ordered this bomb to be dropped...thinking it would end the war rather quickly...saving thousands of lives and giving Great Britain an enormous amount of face on the international scene...thank god that plan failed...can you imagine where we would be with those stodgy old bastards playing World Police... ... ... ... ... ...WOW...that was scary...okay I'm back...(I know some of you are anxious to know what would cause Winston Churchill to concoct such an ill conceived war plan...and can't wait to get back to work and into the weekend...so I'll try and keep this short)...British Intelligence of the period was much like American Intelligence during the Double Dubya Era...(completely ignorant of any useful information...and yet...quite capable of passing erroneous information all the way up the Chain of Command)...anyway...British loving subversives in the German hierarchy sent message thru back channels to London with this message..."Hitler is an arrogant ass...what can Berlin do?"...by the time it had been passed form enough German mouths to British ears...and carried to the desk of Mr. Winston Churchill it had erroneously been translated to read..."Hitler is an elephants ass...working at the Berlin zoo!"...and that my friends is how I like to think that little piece of history unfolded...I know...completely off the wall and extremely far fetched...worthy of Hollywood consideration is what you're sayin' then...(ya know...it's times like these I like to sing myself a little song...'Isn't-he-love-ly...isn't-he-WON-DER-FUL???)...LMAO...have a GREAT WEEKEND!!!
Ya know...due to certain daily tidbit lore that is provided by Momma from who knows how many different websites...I have had to become more familiar with WWII history than I'd like to...on occasion it takes a couple moments of extensive research to afford myself the knowledge of all pertinent information...this is NOT one of those times...but I just thought I'd point that out...lol...this sentence at first glance...might give the American reader moment to pause...notice I said American reader there...remember that for it may come into play later in the story...isn't this fun...each one of these is like a little roller coaster ride thru my own warped way of looking at things...and you are all the crash test dummies...hey that's what you are when you don't have to buy a ticket to enjoy the show...so shut up or I'll make it go faster...NOW...where were we...Oh yes...might give the American reader moment to pause...wondering...how in the hell did we drop our first bomb on the zoo...who was the idiot flying that plane...and what did he think all those animals in the bomb sight thing-a-ma-jig were...some sorta Nazi experiment gone wrong...(didn't we cover that yesterday???) Didn't I say shut up...but here's where the American reader needs to pay attention to exactly what the tidbit tells us...for we've covered these waste of space whine asses a time or two already...and in recent blog post to I might add...the FIRST bomb dropped by the ALLIES...is the clue that eludes to the truth of the matter...WE...the U.S. of A....weren't members of the ALLIES when the FIRST bomb was dropped...therefore it had to be a British pilot who committed this beautiful display of errant bomb dropping bravado...because it couldn't have been the French...the only thing those wannabe saved by real soldier Samaritans were capable of flying was a white flag...which doesn't require much of a pilot...and doesn't have the dimensional capabilities nor structural strength to carry and deliver bombs...SO...now we've narrowed down the...'who'...part of the equation...but what is the...WHY??? Well the 'why' would involve another toast eating tea breaker...Winston Churchill...who mistakenly ordered this bomb to be dropped...thinking it would end the war rather quickly...saving thousands of lives and giving Great Britain an enormous amount of face on the international scene...thank god that plan failed...can you imagine where we would be with those stodgy old bastards playing World Police... ... ... ... ... ...WOW...that was scary...okay I'm back...(I know some of you are anxious to know what would cause Winston Churchill to concoct such an ill conceived war plan...and can't wait to get back to work and into the weekend...so I'll try and keep this short)...British Intelligence of the period was much like American Intelligence during the Double Dubya Era...(completely ignorant of any useful information...and yet...quite capable of passing erroneous information all the way up the Chain of Command)...anyway...British loving subversives in the German hierarchy sent message thru back channels to London with this message..."Hitler is an arrogant ass...what can Berlin do?"...by the time it had been passed form enough German mouths to British ears...and carried to the desk of Mr. Winston Churchill it had erroneously been translated to read..."Hitler is an elephants ass...working at the Berlin zoo!"...and that my friends is how I like to think that little piece of history unfolded...I know...completely off the wall and extremely far fetched...worthy of Hollywood consideration is what you're sayin' then...(ya know...it's times like these I like to sing myself a little song...'Isn't-he-love-ly...isn't-he-WON-DER-FUL???)...LMAO...have a GREAT WEEKEND!!!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
03/22/12
Shock treatment therapy for epilepsy was once administered by electric catfish...
Well thank god I wasn't born an electric catfish...those epileptic can be a scary bunch...I couldn't imagine some idiot with a PHD attempting to attach me to one of these happy go lucky wall bangers while they're in the middle of having a fit...I'd probably shit myself stupid...I have an uncle who is affected by epilepsy...and fortunately for both him and I...I've only had to experience an epileptic episode once in my lifetime...and lemme tell you...even if I had had an electric catfish I wouldn't have known where to put it...he was busy bouncin on the floor and foaming at the mouth...while I was running around in circles like some 2 year old familiar with the pee pee dance...I didn't know if he was faking it...dying from it...or had undergone some rapid transformation known as spontaneous demonic possession...keep in mind I was only 8-9 at the time...still young enough to be branded in the Sunday School fires of Catholicism... my religious views have changed since then...however I distinctly remeber thinking to myself at the time...God...I don't know what you have planned for me at this moment...but I'm pretty damn sure I'm NOT gonna meet your expectations...half my body wanted to stay and help...while the other half kept heading for the back door...had I attained the age of puberty I probablky woulda pulled a groin and ended up somewhere between my convulsing uncle and the closed back door of Grandma's house...I was traumatized to say the least...we were visiting on vacation...which meant we were double bunked in my Uncle's room...I don't think I slept a wink the whole rest of the week we were up here...I wasn't sure if it was contagious...and I damn sure didn't wanna wake up in the middle of the night to find myself floppin around the floor like some kinda life sized pinata with an electric catfish attached to his face...ya know I tried to castrate a friend of mine in Hawai'i with an electric eel once...I think that poor bastard developed epilepsy...bouncin around like a fish outta water...course he was on the beach at the time...so I guess that makes sense...ya want me to letcha in on a little known secret??? Extermination of unwanted ethnicities was once carried out in over sized pizza ovens...that f**ked up little scientific experiment didn't work out so well either... several survivors of the Hitler's Krispy Kosher Kids are still among us today...and that's NOT necessarily a bad thing...they helped invent copper wire by initiating a Tug-O-War battle over a penny...It is the scientific community that coined the phrase...'If at first you don't succeed...try...try again'...they needed an escape clause for failed experimental endeavors...like thinking an electric catfish possessed the necessary amperage to have a lasting effect on those affected with epilepsy... and lemme tell ya...they have put that phrase to the test...time and time again...the unhealthy individuals among us guinea pig new medicines...and are often subjected to cruel and unusual treatment when submitted to State run Mental Institutions because they don't seem to fit in with acceptable societal behavior methods...trying to cure epilepsy thru the use of electric catfish is akin to trying to cure diarrhea with the insertion of a Q-Tip in the anal cavity...it ISN'T going to happen...NOT on your best day...me personally...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me...than a frontal labotomy...another tried and true mental remedy...it turned 'vegetables'...into drooling human smoothies...capable of watering pocket plants for hours...ya know...when I see really...really old people...you know the kind I'm talking about...they still have their boarding pass for the Ark saved in the bottom compartment of the jewelry box...I always ask them what their secret to longevity is...you know what the most common answer is??? Stay the hell outta hospitals...those places are designed to control the population rate...more people die from medicinal cures than from the affliction itself...think I'm kidding...they've known for decades that the cure for common cancer resides in the ocean...every known species of shark in existence has been subjected to scientific experiments surrounding cancer...the animals are cancer resistant...they have injected every species with several different forms of cancerous material...and yet the sharks have developed an immunity to a disease that affects more people than fish on an annual basis...now why do ya think they haven't been able to locate the gene that makes this possible within the shark??? Because NONE of those little bastards wrap a towel around their head and hide in the middle of Pakisan for 10 years while our country claimed to be searching for him in order to bring a rapid end to the war in the middle east...because I'll tell ya what...if they had...we woulda sent in Seal Team Six...slaughtered the dman cancer eating beast...and located the appropriate gene within half an hour...disposing of any evidence that there was a BODY...within half an hour...and thos eaffected by cancer would be better overnight...sorry epileptics but the same can't be said for your condition...we apologize for the inconvenience...we'll get back to ya when we find a big enough hammer to control the fit throwing episodes...HAPPY HELMETING!!!
Well thank god I wasn't born an electric catfish...those epileptic can be a scary bunch...I couldn't imagine some idiot with a PHD attempting to attach me to one of these happy go lucky wall bangers while they're in the middle of having a fit...I'd probably shit myself stupid...I have an uncle who is affected by epilepsy...and fortunately for both him and I...I've only had to experience an epileptic episode once in my lifetime...and lemme tell you...even if I had had an electric catfish I wouldn't have known where to put it...he was busy bouncin on the floor and foaming at the mouth...while I was running around in circles like some 2 year old familiar with the pee pee dance...I didn't know if he was faking it...dying from it...or had undergone some rapid transformation known as spontaneous demonic possession...keep in mind I was only 8-9 at the time...still young enough to be branded in the Sunday School fires of Catholicism... my religious views have changed since then...however I distinctly remeber thinking to myself at the time...God...I don't know what you have planned for me at this moment...but I'm pretty damn sure I'm NOT gonna meet your expectations...half my body wanted to stay and help...while the other half kept heading for the back door...had I attained the age of puberty I probablky woulda pulled a groin and ended up somewhere between my convulsing uncle and the closed back door of Grandma's house...I was traumatized to say the least...we were visiting on vacation...which meant we were double bunked in my Uncle's room...I don't think I slept a wink the whole rest of the week we were up here...I wasn't sure if it was contagious...and I damn sure didn't wanna wake up in the middle of the night to find myself floppin around the floor like some kinda life sized pinata with an electric catfish attached to his face...ya know I tried to castrate a friend of mine in Hawai'i with an electric eel once...I think that poor bastard developed epilepsy...bouncin around like a fish outta water...course he was on the beach at the time...so I guess that makes sense...ya want me to letcha in on a little known secret??? Extermination of unwanted ethnicities was once carried out in over sized pizza ovens...that f**ked up little scientific experiment didn't work out so well either... several survivors of the Hitler's Krispy Kosher Kids are still among us today...and that's NOT necessarily a bad thing...they helped invent copper wire by initiating a Tug-O-War battle over a penny...It is the scientific community that coined the phrase...'If at first you don't succeed...try...try again'...they needed an escape clause for failed experimental endeavors...like thinking an electric catfish possessed the necessary amperage to have a lasting effect on those affected with epilepsy... and lemme tell ya...they have put that phrase to the test...time and time again...the unhealthy individuals among us guinea pig new medicines...and are often subjected to cruel and unusual treatment when submitted to State run Mental Institutions because they don't seem to fit in with acceptable societal behavior methods...trying to cure epilepsy thru the use of electric catfish is akin to trying to cure diarrhea with the insertion of a Q-Tip in the anal cavity...it ISN'T going to happen...NOT on your best day...me personally...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me...than a frontal labotomy...another tried and true mental remedy...it turned 'vegetables'...into drooling human smoothies...capable of watering pocket plants for hours...ya know...when I see really...really old people...you know the kind I'm talking about...they still have their boarding pass for the Ark saved in the bottom compartment of the jewelry box...I always ask them what their secret to longevity is...you know what the most common answer is??? Stay the hell outta hospitals...those places are designed to control the population rate...more people die from medicinal cures than from the affliction itself...think I'm kidding...they've known for decades that the cure for common cancer resides in the ocean...every known species of shark in existence has been subjected to scientific experiments surrounding cancer...the animals are cancer resistant...they have injected every species with several different forms of cancerous material...and yet the sharks have developed an immunity to a disease that affects more people than fish on an annual basis...now why do ya think they haven't been able to locate the gene that makes this possible within the shark??? Because NONE of those little bastards wrap a towel around their head and hide in the middle of Pakisan for 10 years while our country claimed to be searching for him in order to bring a rapid end to the war in the middle east...because I'll tell ya what...if they had...we woulda sent in Seal Team Six...slaughtered the dman cancer eating beast...and located the appropriate gene within half an hour...disposing of any evidence that there was a BODY...within half an hour...and thos eaffected by cancer would be better overnight...sorry epileptics but the same can't be said for your condition...we apologize for the inconvenience...we'll get back to ya when we find a big enough hammer to control the fit throwing episodes...HAPPY HELMETING!!!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
03/21/12
Rubber Bands last longer when refrigerated...
That's amazingly...incredibly...stupendously...useless. I can't recall the last time I used a rubber band for anything that didn't involve high school hi jinx. Ya know...as a matter of fact...in this day and age I'm a little upset with the manufacturers of rubber band products...where's the little advice warning on the label...I don't recall ever seeing the words...'Refrigerate after opening'...on any rubber band packages...I feel jilted...what is this world coming too??? NOT that I'm surprised by it's exclusion...this happens quite frequently in the area of merchandise...while shopping at a local supermarket the other day I came across an empty shipping crate that previously contained those nifty little handi-pak pudding packages...the labeling caught my eye...Do NOT store at temperatures above 37 degrees F...and Do NOT freeze...mind you this was in the baking aisle...where the product was distinctively displayed on a shelf...in an atmosphere much warmer than the recommended 37 degrees...so excluding refrigeration procedures from rubber band packages...NOT quite that big a deal...I wonder if this is the same for all rubber related products...do condoms last longer in the cooler...I don't have any idea...but I'm fairly certain that if left in a refrigerated unit up until the moment it becomes necessary...will ultimately result in a significantly deflated dipstick...thereby eliminating the need for a condom altogether...I know for a fact that hockey pucks are always kept in a freezer during NHL games...apparently firing a solid rubber puck at speeds in excess of 100 mph wasn't enough for these stick swinging...blood lusting buncha behemoths...pucks needed to possess the penchant for inflicting damage...supposedly soft rubber pucks bounce and deflect more easily...creating an atmosphere of over confidence among the shot blocking skate soldiers of several teams...if you've NEVER enjoyed the opportunity to play a game of hockey...you have NO idea what you're missing...getting pegged with one of these frozen pucks...provides an immediate indication of the capabilities associated with freezing rubber products...I think keeping condoms in the coldest section of the refrigerator would provide a modicum of similarity with the hockey puck...in that women would reinvent chastity belts...capable of deflecting the advancement of any frozen phallic appendage...I can't imagine what purpose refrigerating a simple rubber band could afford...quite often maintaining rubber related products in an average temperature suitable to human comfort should suffice...personally I'd have NO use for this technology...even if I did use rubber bands on a regular basis...keeping them cold would be of no benefit...because once I employ the product...I NO longer have a use for it...it's NOT as if I'm running to the refrigerator to grab a rubber band...wrapping it around an object in order to maintain control...then removing it and putting it back in the refrigerator...because here's the thing...rubber is a replaceable item...extremely plentiful...and rather easy to come by...therefore there doesn't appear to be a need for frolicking thru the refrigerator to find a hair tie replacement...rubber's natural composition enables it to stretch...bend...and break...regardless of compound characteristics...you can carve a chunk out of a hockey puck with a sharp knife...just as easily as you can stretch a rubber band beyond it's elastic capabilities...resulting in catastrophic failure of the component...if you're keeping rubber bands in the refrigerator you need more help than I am qualified to offer...you're probably moments away from trying to insure your Panda Poo tea container seals in freshness...you need to be hit on the head with a hammer...repeatedly...until you submit to common sense thinking...or pass the hell out...I swear sometimes people just need to think outside the box...rather than waddling around in the collective waste of their cataclysmic conscience...with the advancement of search engine options available on the Internet today...I have NO doubt there are several people who are rushing home at this very moment to refrigerate their rubber band collection... these people are what I like to call amoebic...spineless...thoughtless...puddles of jelly like substance... incapable of caring for themselves...they read and heed what others deposit as solid facts on the web pages they peruse...NEVER taking the opportunity to research information themselves...I'm half tempted to start my own useless facts forum...just so that I can wake up every morning smiling...knowing full well...some ridiculous stooge is at that very moment taking for granted the blurb I posted...adhering to it's very essence without so much as a flicker in the frontal lobe region of their garbage collecting grey matter membrane...in closing I would just like to offer a prayer for those affected with an iota of ignorance...that's right...even tho I'm not a religious fanatic...quite the contrary as a matter of fact...but for the sake of saving a few less than gifted thought processors...Lord, have mercy on the souls of the simple ones...they make me smile!!!
That's amazingly...incredibly...stupendously...useless. I can't recall the last time I used a rubber band for anything that didn't involve high school hi jinx. Ya know...as a matter of fact...in this day and age I'm a little upset with the manufacturers of rubber band products...where's the little advice warning on the label...I don't recall ever seeing the words...'Refrigerate after opening'...on any rubber band packages...I feel jilted...what is this world coming too??? NOT that I'm surprised by it's exclusion...this happens quite frequently in the area of merchandise...while shopping at a local supermarket the other day I came across an empty shipping crate that previously contained those nifty little handi-pak pudding packages...the labeling caught my eye...Do NOT store at temperatures above 37 degrees F...and Do NOT freeze...mind you this was in the baking aisle...where the product was distinctively displayed on a shelf...in an atmosphere much warmer than the recommended 37 degrees...so excluding refrigeration procedures from rubber band packages...NOT quite that big a deal...I wonder if this is the same for all rubber related products...do condoms last longer in the cooler...I don't have any idea...but I'm fairly certain that if left in a refrigerated unit up until the moment it becomes necessary...will ultimately result in a significantly deflated dipstick...thereby eliminating the need for a condom altogether...I know for a fact that hockey pucks are always kept in a freezer during NHL games...apparently firing a solid rubber puck at speeds in excess of 100 mph wasn't enough for these stick swinging...blood lusting buncha behemoths...pucks needed to possess the penchant for inflicting damage...supposedly soft rubber pucks bounce and deflect more easily...creating an atmosphere of over confidence among the shot blocking skate soldiers of several teams...if you've NEVER enjoyed the opportunity to play a game of hockey...you have NO idea what you're missing...getting pegged with one of these frozen pucks...provides an immediate indication of the capabilities associated with freezing rubber products...I think keeping condoms in the coldest section of the refrigerator would provide a modicum of similarity with the hockey puck...in that women would reinvent chastity belts...capable of deflecting the advancement of any frozen phallic appendage...I can't imagine what purpose refrigerating a simple rubber band could afford...quite often maintaining rubber related products in an average temperature suitable to human comfort should suffice...personally I'd have NO use for this technology...even if I did use rubber bands on a regular basis...keeping them cold would be of no benefit...because once I employ the product...I NO longer have a use for it...it's NOT as if I'm running to the refrigerator to grab a rubber band...wrapping it around an object in order to maintain control...then removing it and putting it back in the refrigerator...because here's the thing...rubber is a replaceable item...extremely plentiful...and rather easy to come by...therefore there doesn't appear to be a need for frolicking thru the refrigerator to find a hair tie replacement...rubber's natural composition enables it to stretch...bend...and break...regardless of compound characteristics...you can carve a chunk out of a hockey puck with a sharp knife...just as easily as you can stretch a rubber band beyond it's elastic capabilities...resulting in catastrophic failure of the component...if you're keeping rubber bands in the refrigerator you need more help than I am qualified to offer...you're probably moments away from trying to insure your Panda Poo tea container seals in freshness...you need to be hit on the head with a hammer...repeatedly...until you submit to common sense thinking...or pass the hell out...I swear sometimes people just need to think outside the box...rather than waddling around in the collective waste of their cataclysmic conscience...with the advancement of search engine options available on the Internet today...I have NO doubt there are several people who are rushing home at this very moment to refrigerate their rubber band collection... these people are what I like to call amoebic...spineless...thoughtless...puddles of jelly like substance... incapable of caring for themselves...they read and heed what others deposit as solid facts on the web pages they peruse...NEVER taking the opportunity to research information themselves...I'm half tempted to start my own useless facts forum...just so that I can wake up every morning smiling...knowing full well...some ridiculous stooge is at that very moment taking for granted the blurb I posted...adhering to it's very essence without so much as a flicker in the frontal lobe region of their garbage collecting grey matter membrane...in closing I would just like to offer a prayer for those affected with an iota of ignorance...that's right...even tho I'm not a religious fanatic...quite the contrary as a matter of fact...but for the sake of saving a few less than gifted thought processors...Lord, have mercy on the souls of the simple ones...they make me smile!!!
03/20/12
China is producing a tea blend from Panda poop, which is rich in fiber and nutrients and creates a unique aroma...
Let's have it with our hairy sheep ball pie!!!
Rich in fiber...would that be bamboo fiber...creates a unique aroma...undoubtedly...fecal matter often emits a rather unpleasant...pungent...unique aroma...ya know why China is the only one producing this blend of nutrient rich Panda poo tea blend...piss poor eyesight...that's why...and let's NOT forget their penchant for hog's hair toothbrushes...add a little Panda poo tea...and you've gotta gullet full of something that smells like hot garbage and shitty diapers...I'm quite sure the after taste will be quite enticing...considering the green teeth and stinky gum sockets these people already possess...who in their right mind would buy this shit...I mean literally...Momma sent me the article that she derived this tidbit from...the dumbass who came up with this idea...honestly thinks that this new blended beverage of bear shit is gonna make him an instant millionaire...and overnight sensation...NOT only is this the shittiest idea I've heard yet...but this stuff is supposed to sell for somewhere in the neighborhood of $36,000.00 a pound...HOLD UP...WAIT A MINUTE...did Kevin just say $36,000.00 a pound...yes he did...but have NO fear...it is also going to be sold by the cup...at the low, low price of $200.00...that's right folks...before long you'll be able to pop into your local Starbucks and order a Grande Double Panda Poop Lowfat with Cream...un-f**kin' believeable...I'm NOT quite sure where this bear shit barista studied economics...or if he ever took a math class to begin with...but here's the thing...99% of the automobile owning population are struggling to pay $4.00 a GALLON for gas...I don't see them shelling out $36,000.00 for a pound of ground up dried dung...the genius who came up with this idea pulls NO punches...he justifies the value he has placed on Panda Poo Tea...by claiming it will be the rarest blend in the entire world...HEY...look everybody...it's the herbal ignorant prodigy of defecating delicacies...Sum Ting Wong...Honolable Mastah Wong...can you prease terr dese plepol why Panda Poo tea is lalest in de entile...wol...wol...oh f**k it...pranet??? Because you DON'T make tea outta of SHIT...it's gonna smell like SHIT...it's gonna taste like SHIT...and if you buy this SHIT...even @ the relatively low price of $200.00 a cup...you're dumber than SHIT...and you deserve a big steaming cup of caca...this guy actually envisions setting a Guiness World Record with his first sale...Well NO shit... even if it's a single grain for $5.00 it'll be a record DIPSHIT...because NOBODY has ever...in the history of humanity...paid to drink POOP before...lemme tell ya what's gonna happen there ree ree... the second you set a record selling Panda Poo tea...I'm gonna set out to one up your ass...by concocting an even rarer rectally regurgitated blend of beverage...Kevin's Cricket Ass Coffee...you think Panda Poop is rare...Crickets are a seasonal insect SHIT for brains...so SIP on that sideways...seriously...I'll smack the ever-lovin' SHIT outta any one of you who have a penchant for making such a purchase...in the Grand Pantheon of things you shouldn't piss away money on...earned or inherited...Panda Poo tea has got to be at the top of the list...hell...it doesn't even belong on a list...it is a Stand-alone item... unless of course this Tea-turdler intends on delivering a low-fat version for those who find Panda Poo too filling...maybe a Diet Dingo Diarrhea blend sold strictly in Australia...to blind Aborigines who've lopped off their tongues...this is an incredibly ridiculous business venture...I can't imagine why anyone would even wanna get close enough to bask in the aroma...it's SHIT people...you don't take up residence in the family Throne Room...plop your ass on the porcelain...do your duty...stand up...turn around...look down and think to yourself...'Hmmm...I wonder what that would taste like if I ran it thru a blender...left it out to dry...then added hot water to it and drank it'...at least I pray you don't...if by chance you do...please...STOP reading my blog...you haven't a hope in hell of understanding that simple thing...Common Sense...I mean NOT even if my children's lives depended on it...DON'T get me wrong...I love my children dearly...but there comes a point where ya hafta draw the line...and apparently drinking...dry...ground up animal dung is that point for me...if you'd like a preview of what this godawful crap is gonna taste like...shove your finger up your ass and fart...then lick that finger with your tongue...because here it is in a nutshell...SHIT...is SHIT...it doesn't matter how well you dress it up...PANDA POOP AIN'T PRETTY!!!
Let's have it with our hairy sheep ball pie!!!
Rich in fiber...would that be bamboo fiber...creates a unique aroma...undoubtedly...fecal matter often emits a rather unpleasant...pungent...unique aroma...ya know why China is the only one producing this blend of nutrient rich Panda poo tea blend...piss poor eyesight...that's why...and let's NOT forget their penchant for hog's hair toothbrushes...add a little Panda poo tea...and you've gotta gullet full of something that smells like hot garbage and shitty diapers...I'm quite sure the after taste will be quite enticing...considering the green teeth and stinky gum sockets these people already possess...who in their right mind would buy this shit...I mean literally...Momma sent me the article that she derived this tidbit from...the dumbass who came up with this idea...honestly thinks that this new blended beverage of bear shit is gonna make him an instant millionaire...and overnight sensation...NOT only is this the shittiest idea I've heard yet...but this stuff is supposed to sell for somewhere in the neighborhood of $36,000.00 a pound...HOLD UP...WAIT A MINUTE...did Kevin just say $36,000.00 a pound...yes he did...but have NO fear...it is also going to be sold by the cup...at the low, low price of $200.00...that's right folks...before long you'll be able to pop into your local Starbucks and order a Grande Double Panda Poop Lowfat with Cream...un-f**kin' believeable...I'm NOT quite sure where this bear shit barista studied economics...or if he ever took a math class to begin with...but here's the thing...99% of the automobile owning population are struggling to pay $4.00 a GALLON for gas...I don't see them shelling out $36,000.00 for a pound of ground up dried dung...the genius who came up with this idea pulls NO punches...he justifies the value he has placed on Panda Poo Tea...by claiming it will be the rarest blend in the entire world...HEY...look everybody...it's the herbal ignorant prodigy of defecating delicacies...Sum Ting Wong...Honolable Mastah Wong...can you prease terr dese plepol why Panda Poo tea is lalest in de entile...wol...wol...oh f**k it...pranet??? Because you DON'T make tea outta of SHIT...it's gonna smell like SHIT...it's gonna taste like SHIT...and if you buy this SHIT...even @ the relatively low price of $200.00 a cup...you're dumber than SHIT...and you deserve a big steaming cup of caca...this guy actually envisions setting a Guiness World Record with his first sale...Well NO shit... even if it's a single grain for $5.00 it'll be a record DIPSHIT...because NOBODY has ever...in the history of humanity...paid to drink POOP before...lemme tell ya what's gonna happen there ree ree... the second you set a record selling Panda Poo tea...I'm gonna set out to one up your ass...by concocting an even rarer rectally regurgitated blend of beverage...Kevin's Cricket Ass Coffee...you think Panda Poop is rare...Crickets are a seasonal insect SHIT for brains...so SIP on that sideways...seriously...I'll smack the ever-lovin' SHIT outta any one of you who have a penchant for making such a purchase...in the Grand Pantheon of things you shouldn't piss away money on...earned or inherited...Panda Poo tea has got to be at the top of the list...hell...it doesn't even belong on a list...it is a Stand-alone item... unless of course this Tea-turdler intends on delivering a low-fat version for those who find Panda Poo too filling...maybe a Diet Dingo Diarrhea blend sold strictly in Australia...to blind Aborigines who've lopped off their tongues...this is an incredibly ridiculous business venture...I can't imagine why anyone would even wanna get close enough to bask in the aroma...it's SHIT people...you don't take up residence in the family Throne Room...plop your ass on the porcelain...do your duty...stand up...turn around...look down and think to yourself...'Hmmm...I wonder what that would taste like if I ran it thru a blender...left it out to dry...then added hot water to it and drank it'...at least I pray you don't...if by chance you do...please...STOP reading my blog...you haven't a hope in hell of understanding that simple thing...Common Sense...I mean NOT even if my children's lives depended on it...DON'T get me wrong...I love my children dearly...but there comes a point where ya hafta draw the line...and apparently drinking...dry...ground up animal dung is that point for me...if you'd like a preview of what this godawful crap is gonna taste like...shove your finger up your ass and fart...then lick that finger with your tongue...because here it is in a nutshell...SHIT...is SHIT...it doesn't matter how well you dress it up...PANDA POOP AIN'T PRETTY!!!
Monday, March 19, 2012
03/19/12
In Hartford, Ct. it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays...
I'm not really surprised by this...in the history of human life on this continent...there hasn't been one single sex symbol from the state of Connecticut...or from any other New England state for that matter... must be the price they hafta pay for having beautiful scenery and an abundance of highly sought after seafood...ugly women...Connecticut is one of those states that got misplaced during the settlement of the northeastern seaboard...they are the bastard stepchild of New England...there isn't shit in Connecticut...even the Whalers left for Carolina and became the Hurricanes...warmer weather and better lookin' women...this is one of those laws that really didn't need to be written...it woulda become commonplace in any marriage lasting longer than 12 months...because once the Honeymoon is over...and the unpolished pig of a person you are becomes evident...kissing on anyday is an afterthought...and eventually it becomes a gesture related to arrivals and departures from each other... it somehow ends up morphing into a tedious task you'd like to forget about...something you wish you could just drop in a glass like dentures and walk away from til morning...I've never quite understood the whole marriage concept...it seems as archaic as cave drawings...there aren't many animals in the kingdom that copulate monogomically for life...and humans are NO different...especially in this day and age...I'm not really sure why Hartford has this law on the books...I mean I could understand if they had an NFL team...or any major professional sports team for that matter...that played games on Sunday...at least then you could hypothesize that the men of Hartford were fanatics from birth...and that the law was enacted in order to prevent interruption of the leisurely activities associated with watching sports...that NOT being the case...I can only assume that the continuing degradation of dermatologically accepted daughters entering adulthood...had a direct impact on the passing of this law...unless of course the constituents of Hartford CT are all 'swingers'...then it makes perfect sense... Sunday is a sweltering pot of sacreligious sexual situations...somehow I doubt that's the case...I've been to Connecticut...couldn't wait to get the hell outta there...the women there are like offbrand vanilla flavored ice cream...bland...cold...and uncomfortable to look at...that place is like the northern most southern state...it doesn't belong up there...it needs to be shuffled around the states til it settles somewhere around Kentucky or Tennessee...trust me...if you've seen the women up round those parts...you'd ask yourself...'Why only Sundays?'...the name Connecticut...in it's native tongue...stands for...NOTHING...and ladies...don't think I'm pickin' on just your gender...the men ain't eyeball catchin' Marlboro Cowboy types...the wives have probably less of a desire to be kissed on Sunday's than the men do...think about it...have you ever wanted to visit...or vacation...in Connecticut??? Where wouldja go??? What wouldja see??? EXACTLY...you're all sittin' there just as empty minded of ideas involving tourist attractions in that state as I am...I can only think of ONE reason to be in Connecticut.. for any amount of time...travelling thru it...I suppose...if you live on the eastern seabord...and are venturing further north...like to Vermont...New Hampshire...or Maine...and passing thru Connecticut provides the shortest passage between the two points...then given the escalating gas prices of 22nd Century America...I can see where this would be an acceptable option...look all I'm sayin' is this...NOBODY goes there for the buffet of Beaches and Babes...it isn't a hotbed of...'Hey I hafta see that in my lifetime'...as a matter of fact it appears to be a haven for husbands who hate their wives...or vice versa...I'm bettin' there are households where everyday is Sunday...the calendar...like the tick tock of an old worn clock...NEVER changes...it just marks the time they've been married like some agonizingly...annoying...neverending nag...soul-lessly slipping thru every second...dripping with anticipation for the arrival of next Sunday...how exciting that must be...and it's all due in part to entering the bonds of matrimony...think about it...married couples don't actually kiss each other anymore...they go thru the motions sure...but pure...unbridled passionate kissing...that's the stuff of fantasy and one night stands...the evolution of human nature no longer represents a need for anything more from one another than sexual satisfaction...women have entered every available avenue of employment...no longer relying on a 'husband' for financial support...men have learned how to microwave even the rawest of edible materials into something they can stomach...no longer relying on a 'wife' to forage and feed them...women have accepted the role of single mother rather than suffer thru an unhappy life horse collared to a 'husband' simply because society says it must be so...electing to shoulder the responsibility of raising children without an everyday father figure like a 'husband' to interfere...men have found an abundance of time to do the shit they want...like play golf...fish... go out to sports bars with their buddies...play poker on Sunday nights...watch meaningless television without interruption...all that and more without the everyday nagging of a 'wife'...women have enjoyed the holiness that comes with a spotlessly clean living compartment...no longer finding it necessary to pick up the forgotten messes left by an inconsiderate 'husband'...men enjoy the pleasure of wearing baggy boxers...holey shirts...going unshaved all weekend...and scratching themselves whenever the need arises...all without having to dream up some sorta covert Seal Team 6 operation...ya know when ya look at it like that...Hartford has a head start!!!
I'm not really surprised by this...in the history of human life on this continent...there hasn't been one single sex symbol from the state of Connecticut...or from any other New England state for that matter... must be the price they hafta pay for having beautiful scenery and an abundance of highly sought after seafood...ugly women...Connecticut is one of those states that got misplaced during the settlement of the northeastern seaboard...they are the bastard stepchild of New England...there isn't shit in Connecticut...even the Whalers left for Carolina and became the Hurricanes...warmer weather and better lookin' women...this is one of those laws that really didn't need to be written...it woulda become commonplace in any marriage lasting longer than 12 months...because once the Honeymoon is over...and the unpolished pig of a person you are becomes evident...kissing on anyday is an afterthought...and eventually it becomes a gesture related to arrivals and departures from each other... it somehow ends up morphing into a tedious task you'd like to forget about...something you wish you could just drop in a glass like dentures and walk away from til morning...I've never quite understood the whole marriage concept...it seems as archaic as cave drawings...there aren't many animals in the kingdom that copulate monogomically for life...and humans are NO different...especially in this day and age...I'm not really sure why Hartford has this law on the books...I mean I could understand if they had an NFL team...or any major professional sports team for that matter...that played games on Sunday...at least then you could hypothesize that the men of Hartford were fanatics from birth...and that the law was enacted in order to prevent interruption of the leisurely activities associated with watching sports...that NOT being the case...I can only assume that the continuing degradation of dermatologically accepted daughters entering adulthood...had a direct impact on the passing of this law...unless of course the constituents of Hartford CT are all 'swingers'...then it makes perfect sense... Sunday is a sweltering pot of sacreligious sexual situations...somehow I doubt that's the case...I've been to Connecticut...couldn't wait to get the hell outta there...the women there are like offbrand vanilla flavored ice cream...bland...cold...and uncomfortable to look at...that place is like the northern most southern state...it doesn't belong up there...it needs to be shuffled around the states til it settles somewhere around Kentucky or Tennessee...trust me...if you've seen the women up round those parts...you'd ask yourself...'Why only Sundays?'...the name Connecticut...in it's native tongue...stands for...NOTHING...and ladies...don't think I'm pickin' on just your gender...the men ain't eyeball catchin' Marlboro Cowboy types...the wives have probably less of a desire to be kissed on Sunday's than the men do...think about it...have you ever wanted to visit...or vacation...in Connecticut??? Where wouldja go??? What wouldja see??? EXACTLY...you're all sittin' there just as empty minded of ideas involving tourist attractions in that state as I am...I can only think of ONE reason to be in Connecticut.. for any amount of time...travelling thru it...I suppose...if you live on the eastern seabord...and are venturing further north...like to Vermont...New Hampshire...or Maine...and passing thru Connecticut provides the shortest passage between the two points...then given the escalating gas prices of 22nd Century America...I can see where this would be an acceptable option...look all I'm sayin' is this...NOBODY goes there for the buffet of Beaches and Babes...it isn't a hotbed of...'Hey I hafta see that in my lifetime'...as a matter of fact it appears to be a haven for husbands who hate their wives...or vice versa...I'm bettin' there are households where everyday is Sunday...the calendar...like the tick tock of an old worn clock...NEVER changes...it just marks the time they've been married like some agonizingly...annoying...neverending nag...soul-lessly slipping thru every second...dripping with anticipation for the arrival of next Sunday...how exciting that must be...and it's all due in part to entering the bonds of matrimony...think about it...married couples don't actually kiss each other anymore...they go thru the motions sure...but pure...unbridled passionate kissing...that's the stuff of fantasy and one night stands...the evolution of human nature no longer represents a need for anything more from one another than sexual satisfaction...women have entered every available avenue of employment...no longer relying on a 'husband' for financial support...men have learned how to microwave even the rawest of edible materials into something they can stomach...no longer relying on a 'wife' to forage and feed them...women have accepted the role of single mother rather than suffer thru an unhappy life horse collared to a 'husband' simply because society says it must be so...electing to shoulder the responsibility of raising children without an everyday father figure like a 'husband' to interfere...men have found an abundance of time to do the shit they want...like play golf...fish... go out to sports bars with their buddies...play poker on Sunday nights...watch meaningless television without interruption...all that and more without the everyday nagging of a 'wife'...women have enjoyed the holiness that comes with a spotlessly clean living compartment...no longer finding it necessary to pick up the forgotten messes left by an inconsiderate 'husband'...men enjoy the pleasure of wearing baggy boxers...holey shirts...going unshaved all weekend...and scratching themselves whenever the need arises...all without having to dream up some sorta covert Seal Team 6 operation...ya know when ya look at it like that...Hartford has a head start!!!
Friday, March 16, 2012
03/16/12
There is NO rice in ricepaper...
OMFG...just when I thought we were gettin' close to drainin' the shallow end of the gene pool...up pops another spring of stupidity...NO rice in ricepaper...really??? Do you know how completely void of common sense an individual hasta be in order to do the research required prior to putting such retarded shit it writing...this idiots next job oughtta be performing as the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz...f**kin' brainless bucket of body parts anyway...this moron is a walking billboard in support of stem cell research...I'm gonna go out on a limb here...without the assistance of Google...and absent of a net to catch me should I fall...but I'm guessin' there are NO toilets in toiletpaper either...you probably wouldn't believe me if I told ya there aren't any sandwiches in sandwich bags...there isn't one single duck in duck sauce...Walnuts...aren't made from walls...there's nothing soft about a softball...the Internal Revenue Service doesn't provide a service at all...nor does it conduct business internally...if it did it wouldn't require money from external components in order to operate efficiently...I mean where does this guy get off making such a ridiculous claim...my god I could go on forever pointing out products that don't contain items from their respective titles...Dish soap...isn't made from dishes...nor is baby powder produced from ground up infants...it boggles the mind when ya stop to consider that somebody...apparently NOT of an Asian ethnicity took the time...and put forth the effort...to actually research the ingredients of ricepaper before submitting their findings for the rest of the rectally birthed boneheads to go all gaga over...I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I heard about ricepaper...and simultaneously realized it had NOTHING to do with rice...the very first episode of Kung-Fu...starring that self-choking...closet incased...cock clubbin' Carradine boy...'Honorable Glasshoppa must closs the loom sirentry...while walkin ova licepapah'...at the time that show aired I believe my age was still in the single digits...slightly higher than the authors IQ...and yet I was able to deduce that ricepaper didn't contain rice...imagine that...perhaps it was due in part to my early academic years in elementary school where I soon realized that construction paper is one of the laziest of it's species...unable to build a damn thing without manipulation and instruction from others...ya know...had this tidbit come from somebody who was...say...3 years old...I would view it in an entirely different light...I would raise that child to my shoulders...run down the street...yelling...shouting...and signing praise over such a prodigious pedial person...because let's be honest...if your kid doesn't pick up on these simple things before going to pre-school...there is an above average possibility they are gonna waste your life savings on an education they can't use...they'll end up 30 year old paranormal experts...23 years past their prime...these are the kinds of un-genii...(that's a Wixson-ism...f**k it I hadta put up with it for 8 years...you guys can suffer one from time to time to ease my pain...un-genii...a group of...less than gifted...grey matter meltdowns)...we need to shake ourselves free from...they are significantly reducing our overall rating as a race...it saddens the soul to read a statement like that...I don't know about you...but I feel dumber just having read it...and I don't mean just a little..it's like bang my head against the wall while sucking my thumb stupid...and I only feel that way because I try to put myself in the originating authors shoes...see it from their perspective...try to envision what's going thru their minds when an overabundance of information results in the eye opening flash of illumination associated with pure inception...and I hafta be completely honest here...otherwise I would be lying...(see what happened there...BOOM...just like that...dropped an IQ point)...99.99999999% of the time...when I read the things these football helmets full of frontal lobotomies fumble outta their mouths...ONE...undying...beautifully illustrated picture accompanies this thought..."SO...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING STUCK TO THE DRAIN IN THREE FEET OF WATER!!!"
OMFG...just when I thought we were gettin' close to drainin' the shallow end of the gene pool...up pops another spring of stupidity...NO rice in ricepaper...really??? Do you know how completely void of common sense an individual hasta be in order to do the research required prior to putting such retarded shit it writing...this idiots next job oughtta be performing as the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz...f**kin' brainless bucket of body parts anyway...this moron is a walking billboard in support of stem cell research...I'm gonna go out on a limb here...without the assistance of Google...and absent of a net to catch me should I fall...but I'm guessin' there are NO toilets in toiletpaper either...you probably wouldn't believe me if I told ya there aren't any sandwiches in sandwich bags...there isn't one single duck in duck sauce...Walnuts...aren't made from walls...there's nothing soft about a softball...the Internal Revenue Service doesn't provide a service at all...nor does it conduct business internally...if it did it wouldn't require money from external components in order to operate efficiently...I mean where does this guy get off making such a ridiculous claim...my god I could go on forever pointing out products that don't contain items from their respective titles...Dish soap...isn't made from dishes...nor is baby powder produced from ground up infants...it boggles the mind when ya stop to consider that somebody...apparently NOT of an Asian ethnicity took the time...and put forth the effort...to actually research the ingredients of ricepaper before submitting their findings for the rest of the rectally birthed boneheads to go all gaga over...I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I heard about ricepaper...and simultaneously realized it had NOTHING to do with rice...the very first episode of Kung-Fu...starring that self-choking...closet incased...cock clubbin' Carradine boy...'Honorable Glasshoppa must closs the loom sirentry...while walkin ova licepapah'...at the time that show aired I believe my age was still in the single digits...slightly higher than the authors IQ...and yet I was able to deduce that ricepaper didn't contain rice...imagine that...perhaps it was due in part to my early academic years in elementary school where I soon realized that construction paper is one of the laziest of it's species...unable to build a damn thing without manipulation and instruction from others...ya know...had this tidbit come from somebody who was...say...3 years old...I would view it in an entirely different light...I would raise that child to my shoulders...run down the street...yelling...shouting...and signing praise over such a prodigious pedial person...because let's be honest...if your kid doesn't pick up on these simple things before going to pre-school...there is an above average possibility they are gonna waste your life savings on an education they can't use...they'll end up 30 year old paranormal experts...23 years past their prime...these are the kinds of un-genii...(that's a Wixson-ism...f**k it I hadta put up with it for 8 years...you guys can suffer one from time to time to ease my pain...un-genii...a group of...less than gifted...grey matter meltdowns)...we need to shake ourselves free from...they are significantly reducing our overall rating as a race...it saddens the soul to read a statement like that...I don't know about you...but I feel dumber just having read it...and I don't mean just a little..it's like bang my head against the wall while sucking my thumb stupid...and I only feel that way because I try to put myself in the originating authors shoes...see it from their perspective...try to envision what's going thru their minds when an overabundance of information results in the eye opening flash of illumination associated with pure inception...and I hafta be completely honest here...otherwise I would be lying...(see what happened there...BOOM...just like that...dropped an IQ point)...99.99999999% of the time...when I read the things these football helmets full of frontal lobotomies fumble outta their mouths...ONE...undying...beautifully illustrated picture accompanies this thought..."SO...THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING STUCK TO THE DRAIN IN THREE FEET OF WATER!!!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
03/15/12
The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within a few degrees by the chirps of a cricket. Count the number of chirps in a 15 second period & add 37 to the total...This formula, however, only works in warm weather...
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
Seriously...this has got to be the absolute dumbest SOB walkin' our planet...this formula has so many flaws...if I followed it I could just as easily guess the temperature of the sun...if this method of meteorology worked we wouldn't need brain dead weathermen...there wouldn't be the need for a Fahrenheit or Celsius scale...I have yet to hear The Weather Channel give it's 5 day forecast using this formula...'It's gonna be unseasonably warm this afternoon...record temperatures are possible in some areas...over on the East Coast some locations have already reached 85 degrees Jiminy'...I shouldn't hafta tell ya why this won't work...but I'm gonna...because that's why you're here...taking time outta your busy day...to further educate yourselves...it has been my personal observance that crickets are NOT solitary creatures...they're like inbred idiots...if you stumble across one...you can rest assured...there are others close by...and how does this effect the integrity of our tidbit...its quite simple actually...crickets chirp for a reason...and contrary to the popular beliefs of a few unilluminati of the insect world...it isn't to predict present day weather patterns...it's to communicate with other CRICKETS...when one chirps...others chirp...whether it be outta the desire to respond...or just shear boredom...the fact remains that a single cricket chirp solicits similar chirps from other members of it's classification...and that compounds the weather predicting problem...because unless each cricket's chirp is individually recognizable...like the fingerprint of a human...and you happen to be the only bi-pedal being on this planet whose ears are finely attuned to identifying which chirp came from which cricket...your ass has about as much chance of estimating the outdoor temperature as an agoraphobic ingrown asshair...I find it absolutely amazing that the author felt compelled to include that final sentence in his attempt to appear academically equivalent to a hibernating hat rack...this formula, however, only works in warm weather...you mean to tell me that in all your infinite wisdom there... Wethead of the Weather World...you couldn't get a cluster of crickets to chirp in climates colder than a well digger's ass...perhaps remedial reading of Arthur Conan Doyle works is in order...brush up on your Sherlockian Sleuth seeking symposiums...I prefer to use my own warped way of predicting current weather patterns outside my domicile...first and foremost I employ the awesome power of eyesight...now I know that isn't available to everybody...(but unless somebody is reading this to them...they're gonna be left outta the loop...I have NO intention of blogging this in braille...technology hasn't yet made a screen capable of creating the necessary bumps...dings...dashes...and dots)...however, I myself have trouble at times tuning in my eyesight when unintentionally awakened...so the second article I use from my arsenal is what I like to call the Naked Man Meter...but I only use that in those rare instances when I haven't yet had my first cup of coffee...here's how they both operate...we'll do the eyesight method first...I look out an available opening...any window will suffice...if it appears sunny outside...I see people sittin' on their front porch...sweatin' like Richard Simmons at an All You Can Eat Sugar Shack...it's gonna be a scorcher...dress lightly...stay in the shade...if I happen to glance outside said window and it is overcast...I hear the clap of thunder...and lightning flashes across the sky...there's more water falling off my roof than Niagara Falls during a flood...I find myself believing the chance of rain stands somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%...on the other hand...if I look outside and it seems that my depth perception and ability to deftly determine the definition of adjacent buildings and structures...the alley seems filled with miniature Eskimoes slinging sleds over their shoulders...heading to the nearest snow covered section of slanted terrain...I feel comfortable guessing that winter is upon us...and there will be NO exterior excursions this evening...thankfully my children have attained the age of being allowed to legally operate a vehicle...otherwise I'd starve...(stop laughin'...I'm serious)... NOW we'll tackle the Naked Man Meter...or if you prefer politically correct color commentary...I should probably dub it...Naked Man Meater...and it is somewhat simpler to use than the eyesight method...however it does take a little more time...jump up outta bed...run outside...buck nekkid...with nothin' but your hair on...don't mind the neighbors...whadda they know anyway...standin' there listenin for a cricket choir to give them some clue...stand there for 17 seconds...this is imperative...cheating will only provide false readings with regards to the weather...after 17 seconds if I hafta seperate my sac from the side of my thigh...like some crackhead who's having complications mastering the inner workings of Cling Wrap...I've NO doubt the air is hot...dry...and humid...shorts are in order...and possibly some thigh dry powder...if after 17 seconds I find myself wetter than a sponge at the bottom of the sea...all indications signal I won't be needing to soil the shower stall anytime soon...I feel well within my rights to proclaim the possibility of pouring down rain...and finally...if after the 17 seconds required by ritual...my feet are frozen to the footsteps of my back porch...my physical appearance transforms into some sorta 2 tittied...diamond cuttin' transvestite...and the twig and berries look more like a squirrel stockpiling for a shitty season...it is emphatically evident that Old Man Winter has paid us a visit...now I know there are some of you...primarily of the female persuasion...who are at this very moment saying to yourselves...(But Kevin...what about us...how are we to tell the weather...we wouldn't know crickets from crocodilian contraceptives...please...for the love of all things weather wise...HELP US!!!)...Have NO fear...I haven't forgotten the feminine faithful who follow my eventful episodes thru daily life...I have something in store for you as well...and believe it or NOT...it will work for all upright inidividuals with an 8th grade education...if you are really...truly...seriously and honestly looking for the latest in temperature prediciting platforms...I hear mercury filled thermometers are on the RISE!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
03/14/12
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabet Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas...
That's interesting...a major player in the global food market chose sides during WWII...and yet were still allowed to conduct business with the enemy from within the safety of our shores...whaddaya suppose they did during the Vietnam War...make a product that consisted of little pasta shapes that looked like grains of rice...think maybe they have their fingers in the Middle Eastern Wars we are currently engaged in...say pasta shaped like little barrels of oil...camels...and unfolded towels??? Why didn't they expand even further during WWII...say make a version of pasta shaped like bombs...they coulda airdropped food supplies all over Britain and France...they could make a pasta-less version of Alphabet Soup and send it to North Korea...to symbolize their lack of utilizing electricity at night...I think they missed out on alot of financial gain...coulda made little Jewish star shaped pasta for those being persecuted...I'm sure most of us are pretty familiar with Heinz...as well as thier products...and I for one have NEVER been able to properly identify their little pasta shapes as resembling anything close to the alphabet I grew up learning in English class...stands to reason that the Hitler Swastika Stew they concocted during WWII...was a simple design flaw in the pasta cuttin process...that ended up coming out lookin' like little squares...American food companies aren't the only ones guilty of capitalizing on thier mistakes...as Momma can attest...every year...during the culmination of Major Sports Schedules...World Series...Super Bowl...NBA Finals...and the Stanley Cup...major clothing merchandisers jump the gun...they produce shirts...hats...and any and all other souvernirs associated with the event...for BOTH teams...knowing well in advance that there can be only ONE winner of said event...for instance...the last Super Bowl was played between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants...with the Giants prevailing...so what did Nike/Reebok/Adidas...or whoever had the contracts for merchandising materials...do with the product they mass produced for the losing team...the Patriots??? They shipped them overseas and sold them anyway...at a fraction of the price you paid for the appropriate gear...so now when you visit third world countries without cable or any everyday news source the populace can understand...you'll see a plethora of people garbed in the flawed fan-demonium of failure...it's called CAPITALISM...and according to those privvy to it...it's a working program without flaws...unfortunately CAPITALISM only works if you're fortunate enough to be born into it...because big business and government HATE competition...they will enact illegal laws that prevent your progress...or at the very least leverage a buyout...in which case they still win in the long run...half the garbage that adorns the shelves of your local supermarket...came from mistakes in the manufacturing process of other foods...I don't agree with the Heinz Company's tactics during WWII...but that's the beauty of corruption in this country...we own the copyright...we've mastered it in ways other countries envy...I suppose most of you think that the escalating gas prices are a direct result of the oil embargo currently in place against Iran...and in a round-about way you'd be correct...but NOT for the reasons you might think...big oil businesses here in America have been trying to figure out a way to raise gas prices in this country since the early 70's...they finally figured it out...initiate an oil embargo...or war...against one of the worlds leading oil rich countries...then buy the required barrels thru back channels...at a reduced rate...since the country in question is now stuggling to survive...jack up the prices at the pump...and reap the rewards...I know there are cynics amongst you...who prefer to believe what the goverment run mass media outlets like FOX NEWS tell ya...and to those of you who fall into this category...all I can say is...Ignorance is Bliss...there is NO hope for you...get your helmet on...tighten your chinstraps securely...and continue on with your uneventful ride...I'm surprised other food companies haven't jumped on board with this concept...they could manufacture a whole new line of products...History Hodge Podge Collection...depicting tragedies throughtout human history...Oscar Meyer could come out with...Big Bang Balogna...each piece would have a huge hole right in the middle where the meteor struck...Keebler could produce Colloseum Crackers...depicting images of half-eaten Christians crawling away from Lions and Tigers...Frito Lays could just put a French Flag on their product...the corn chips are already curled up in the fetal position fearing for their lives...Slim Jim could manufacture Kosher Jewish Jerkey...each strip shaped like a forearm...complete with a numeric tattoo branded on both sides...Minute rice could just change the packaging of their product...plaster a picture of Ho Chi Minh on the box and make it available in Vietnam...the possibilities are endless...Folgers could make Iron Curtain/Cold War Coffee...comes in brick form...ya hafta chisel off a chunk at a time...brew it for years...but in the end it has a faint taste of freedom...Dunkin could make Dutch Oven Donuts...shaped like skeletal remains...flavored with a hint of ash...Armour could make Atilla the Hun Hash...Mueller's would have the possibility to incorporate Luftwaffe Lasagna for England...served wave after wave...Kraft could invent Sparta Salad Dressing...capable of holding you over til the real meal arrived at the table...the list goes on and on... Del Monte's Desert Dromedary Delicacies...where everything tastes like dirt and camel dung...Eggo could make Revolutionary War Waffles...shaped like runnin' redcoats...smothered with Aunt Jemima's Two if by Sea Syrup...hell if we could get enough of these major food companies to cooperate we could eliminate the need for fiscal funding of History classes in every school across America...lighten the load for all those teachers...who seem to constantly complain about being overworked...while simultaneously enjoying the long summer break the rest of us forfeited upon completion of our academic achievements...you can't blame Heinz for being the epitome of early exploitation in a failed political system...the purpose of the United States Constitution is to limit the power of the Federal Government...NOT the American People...and until we MTFU (Man The F**k Up) and elect individuals who have the same values as the majority of the populace they were assigned to protect...the outlook of our country's future appears in need of Nabisco's...Wixson's New World Wafers...each cookie comes with an impression of my iconic image on one side...and an illuminated light bulb on the other...to help those without foresight see the direction our future should follow!!!
That's interesting...a major player in the global food market chose sides during WWII...and yet were still allowed to conduct business with the enemy from within the safety of our shores...whaddaya suppose they did during the Vietnam War...make a product that consisted of little pasta shapes that looked like grains of rice...think maybe they have their fingers in the Middle Eastern Wars we are currently engaged in...say pasta shaped like little barrels of oil...camels...and unfolded towels??? Why didn't they expand even further during WWII...say make a version of pasta shaped like bombs...they coulda airdropped food supplies all over Britain and France...they could make a pasta-less version of Alphabet Soup and send it to North Korea...to symbolize their lack of utilizing electricity at night...I think they missed out on alot of financial gain...coulda made little Jewish star shaped pasta for those being persecuted...I'm sure most of us are pretty familiar with Heinz...as well as thier products...and I for one have NEVER been able to properly identify their little pasta shapes as resembling anything close to the alphabet I grew up learning in English class...stands to reason that the Hitler Swastika Stew they concocted during WWII...was a simple design flaw in the pasta cuttin process...that ended up coming out lookin' like little squares...American food companies aren't the only ones guilty of capitalizing on thier mistakes...as Momma can attest...every year...during the culmination of Major Sports Schedules...World Series...Super Bowl...NBA Finals...and the Stanley Cup...major clothing merchandisers jump the gun...they produce shirts...hats...and any and all other souvernirs associated with the event...for BOTH teams...knowing well in advance that there can be only ONE winner of said event...for instance...the last Super Bowl was played between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants...with the Giants prevailing...so what did Nike/Reebok/Adidas...or whoever had the contracts for merchandising materials...do with the product they mass produced for the losing team...the Patriots??? They shipped them overseas and sold them anyway...at a fraction of the price you paid for the appropriate gear...so now when you visit third world countries without cable or any everyday news source the populace can understand...you'll see a plethora of people garbed in the flawed fan-demonium of failure...it's called CAPITALISM...and according to those privvy to it...it's a working program without flaws...unfortunately CAPITALISM only works if you're fortunate enough to be born into it...because big business and government HATE competition...they will enact illegal laws that prevent your progress...or at the very least leverage a buyout...in which case they still win in the long run...half the garbage that adorns the shelves of your local supermarket...came from mistakes in the manufacturing process of other foods...I don't agree with the Heinz Company's tactics during WWII...but that's the beauty of corruption in this country...we own the copyright...we've mastered it in ways other countries envy...I suppose most of you think that the escalating gas prices are a direct result of the oil embargo currently in place against Iran...and in a round-about way you'd be correct...but NOT for the reasons you might think...big oil businesses here in America have been trying to figure out a way to raise gas prices in this country since the early 70's...they finally figured it out...initiate an oil embargo...or war...against one of the worlds leading oil rich countries...then buy the required barrels thru back channels...at a reduced rate...since the country in question is now stuggling to survive...jack up the prices at the pump...and reap the rewards...I know there are cynics amongst you...who prefer to believe what the goverment run mass media outlets like FOX NEWS tell ya...and to those of you who fall into this category...all I can say is...Ignorance is Bliss...there is NO hope for you...get your helmet on...tighten your chinstraps securely...and continue on with your uneventful ride...I'm surprised other food companies haven't jumped on board with this concept...they could manufacture a whole new line of products...History Hodge Podge Collection...depicting tragedies throughtout human history...Oscar Meyer could come out with...Big Bang Balogna...each piece would have a huge hole right in the middle where the meteor struck...Keebler could produce Colloseum Crackers...depicting images of half-eaten Christians crawling away from Lions and Tigers...Frito Lays could just put a French Flag on their product...the corn chips are already curled up in the fetal position fearing for their lives...Slim Jim could manufacture Kosher Jewish Jerkey...each strip shaped like a forearm...complete with a numeric tattoo branded on both sides...Minute rice could just change the packaging of their product...plaster a picture of Ho Chi Minh on the box and make it available in Vietnam...the possibilities are endless...Folgers could make Iron Curtain/Cold War Coffee...comes in brick form...ya hafta chisel off a chunk at a time...brew it for years...but in the end it has a faint taste of freedom...Dunkin could make Dutch Oven Donuts...shaped like skeletal remains...flavored with a hint of ash...Armour could make Atilla the Hun Hash...Mueller's would have the possibility to incorporate Luftwaffe Lasagna for England...served wave after wave...Kraft could invent Sparta Salad Dressing...capable of holding you over til the real meal arrived at the table...the list goes on and on... Del Monte's Desert Dromedary Delicacies...where everything tastes like dirt and camel dung...Eggo could make Revolutionary War Waffles...shaped like runnin' redcoats...smothered with Aunt Jemima's Two if by Sea Syrup...hell if we could get enough of these major food companies to cooperate we could eliminate the need for fiscal funding of History classes in every school across America...lighten the load for all those teachers...who seem to constantly complain about being overworked...while simultaneously enjoying the long summer break the rest of us forfeited upon completion of our academic achievements...you can't blame Heinz for being the epitome of early exploitation in a failed political system...the purpose of the United States Constitution is to limit the power of the Federal Government...NOT the American People...and until we MTFU (Man The F**k Up) and elect individuals who have the same values as the majority of the populace they were assigned to protect...the outlook of our country's future appears in need of Nabisco's...Wixson's New World Wafers...each cookie comes with an impression of my iconic image on one side...and an illuminated light bulb on the other...to help those without foresight see the direction our future should follow!!!
Monday, March 12, 2012
03/13/12
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 BC...
Pure...uncontestable...genius righ there...seldom do we encounter this type of intellect in our daily travels on Tidbit Tours...this is something we need to strongly consider retro-izing...contraceptive fecal contraptions...they are gender receptive...either sex can select to utilize them...and they can be had at a relatively low cost...free if you happen to have your own pet...and they're just effective as condoms...if NOT better...(what's that??? Are there non-believers out there???)...I am so sure this will work that I am willing to offer a Worry Free Guarantee...if you're a Doubting Thomas Type...try it out...I'm NOT sure how the Egyptians used this material originally...if they formed some sorta sperm deflecting shit shield that was fitted to protect the egg deploying drop chutes...or if it was some kinda dung dip they flopped their phallus in just before flailing around the female fun tunnel...but ya don't hafta be a foreseer of futuristic f**king forays to figure out why this was so effective then...and would be just as effeective NOW...because once you start applying poop to your private parts...you significantly deplete the probability of being chosen as a sexual partner...YES...even at AA meetings...(some people...I tell ya)...I mean I know there are some sick fetishes out there...and I'm REALLY hoping that SHIT SNIFFING SEXUAL SITUATIONS isn't one shared by those who read this page daily...I'll bet even I would have trouble convincing a would be concubine to climb aboard my Caca Coated Collosal Canyon Carving Equipment...I'm smellin Breach of Contract issues...somethin' tells me I'd be needing a full body scrub...in a vat of lime and lye...followed by a bleach and vinegar rinse...before I'd even be allowed to wade in the shallow end of the gene pool again...I mean can you imagine Loni Anderson... back in her hey day...laying out naked...seemingly awaiting your arrival...and as you get closer you notice a layer of shit from an overgrown lizard where her landing strip should be...see what I mean...ya don't even hafta actually apply the stuff...a simple visual seems to do the trick...(looks down at shorts)...Nope...not even a twitch...I'm bettin' it goes both ways...am I right??? Guys don't want turd on their taco...anymore than ladies want caca on the corndog...makes sense...or am I proudly and pleasantly missing something in the history of shitty sex stories??? Maybe China and India need to explore ancient Egypt's egg protecting poo program...they seem to be increasing their respective population numbers at a rate rabbits couldn't keep up with...I'm tellin' ya...this stuff will work...wanna teach your pre pubescent...hormonally exploding...soon to be teenager about Safe Sex...hide a cleverly disguised piece of cat crap in their backpack...they'll drop friends like flies...and attract flies like friends...when they wonder why...you can explain to them that aside from caca...condoms are not only cheaper than diapers...they keep you from contracing shit they haven't invented shots for yet...on a semi-related side note...you have no idea how happy I am my Mother...bless her soul...wasn't aware of this back in my formative years...I'd still be living down the hall from my brother and sister...with a 9 o'clock curfew...like we'd need one...the dog and the damn flies are the only things NOT leaving us alone...don't get me wrong...Mom was magnificent...but had she had this knowledge 25-30 years ago...I'm afraid the tables woulda turned and me and my siblings woulda only gotten outta the house for an hour and a half a week...on Sundays...to go confess all the sins we committed while under Alcatraz Solitary Confinement type situations...NOT that she was strict...but you can see what kinda Game Changer this sorta info woulda been...bad enough we had to sleep during the day as it was...I coulda grown up covered in enough crap to look like a walking candy bar...crocodile dung contraceptives...ya know why this idea didn't stand the test of time??? Sometimes intelligent ideas like this are technologically premature...to such an extent they are long forgotten and discontinued by the time their period of profitablility peaks...wanna know how I would expand upon this concept...and turn it into a veritable cash cow...one word...AEROSOL...put that stuff in a can...add an aerosol expellent... and you have a contraceptive body spray that is guaranteed to keep even a death row inmate...with necrophiliac notions...from wanting to copulate with your deceased corpse...everybody could use this stuff...insecure couples worried about the others indiscretion...professional golfers who pull out of competition on Sunday quicker than they do tramps that look like sand traps...(I won't mention any names...but I'll give ya a hint...in case ya don't follow golf...Big Cat...Forest)...that's one guy I'm not too sure this type of contraception would work for...didja see some fo the fugly things he fornicated with...ya coulda smeared them in enough shit to look like the Michelin Man after being masacred with mudpies...and it probably woulda been an improvement...me personally...I don't care how drop dead gorgeous you are...how tantalizing the pole dance was...or how sexy you are in your birthday suit...you show up hopin' to share a new sexual position...smellin' like alligator anus...or crocodile crotch...and all bets are off...I'll fly out the first avenue of escape so fast you'll no longer think of Mercury...messenger of the gods...as a myth!!!
Pure...uncontestable...genius righ there...seldom do we encounter this type of intellect in our daily travels on Tidbit Tours...this is something we need to strongly consider retro-izing...contraceptive fecal contraptions...they are gender receptive...either sex can select to utilize them...and they can be had at a relatively low cost...free if you happen to have your own pet...and they're just effective as condoms...if NOT better...(what's that??? Are there non-believers out there???)...I am so sure this will work that I am willing to offer a Worry Free Guarantee...if you're a Doubting Thomas Type...try it out...I'm NOT sure how the Egyptians used this material originally...if they formed some sorta sperm deflecting shit shield that was fitted to protect the egg deploying drop chutes...or if it was some kinda dung dip they flopped their phallus in just before flailing around the female fun tunnel...but ya don't hafta be a foreseer of futuristic f**king forays to figure out why this was so effective then...and would be just as effeective NOW...because once you start applying poop to your private parts...you significantly deplete the probability of being chosen as a sexual partner...YES...even at AA meetings...(some people...I tell ya)...I mean I know there are some sick fetishes out there...and I'm REALLY hoping that SHIT SNIFFING SEXUAL SITUATIONS isn't one shared by those who read this page daily...I'll bet even I would have trouble convincing a would be concubine to climb aboard my Caca Coated Collosal Canyon Carving Equipment...I'm smellin Breach of Contract issues...somethin' tells me I'd be needing a full body scrub...in a vat of lime and lye...followed by a bleach and vinegar rinse...before I'd even be allowed to wade in the shallow end of the gene pool again...I mean can you imagine Loni Anderson... back in her hey day...laying out naked...seemingly awaiting your arrival...and as you get closer you notice a layer of shit from an overgrown lizard where her landing strip should be...see what I mean...ya don't even hafta actually apply the stuff...a simple visual seems to do the trick...(looks down at shorts)...Nope...not even a twitch...I'm bettin' it goes both ways...am I right??? Guys don't want turd on their taco...anymore than ladies want caca on the corndog...makes sense...or am I proudly and pleasantly missing something in the history of shitty sex stories??? Maybe China and India need to explore ancient Egypt's egg protecting poo program...they seem to be increasing their respective population numbers at a rate rabbits couldn't keep up with...I'm tellin' ya...this stuff will work...wanna teach your pre pubescent...hormonally exploding...soon to be teenager about Safe Sex...hide a cleverly disguised piece of cat crap in their backpack...they'll drop friends like flies...and attract flies like friends...when they wonder why...you can explain to them that aside from caca...condoms are not only cheaper than diapers...they keep you from contracing shit they haven't invented shots for yet...on a semi-related side note...you have no idea how happy I am my Mother...bless her soul...wasn't aware of this back in my formative years...I'd still be living down the hall from my brother and sister...with a 9 o'clock curfew...like we'd need one...the dog and the damn flies are the only things NOT leaving us alone...don't get me wrong...Mom was magnificent...but had she had this knowledge 25-30 years ago...I'm afraid the tables woulda turned and me and my siblings woulda only gotten outta the house for an hour and a half a week...on Sundays...to go confess all the sins we committed while under Alcatraz Solitary Confinement type situations...NOT that she was strict...but you can see what kinda Game Changer this sorta info woulda been...bad enough we had to sleep during the day as it was...I coulda grown up covered in enough crap to look like a walking candy bar...crocodile dung contraceptives...ya know why this idea didn't stand the test of time??? Sometimes intelligent ideas like this are technologically premature...to such an extent they are long forgotten and discontinued by the time their period of profitablility peaks...wanna know how I would expand upon this concept...and turn it into a veritable cash cow...one word...AEROSOL...put that stuff in a can...add an aerosol expellent... and you have a contraceptive body spray that is guaranteed to keep even a death row inmate...with necrophiliac notions...from wanting to copulate with your deceased corpse...everybody could use this stuff...insecure couples worried about the others indiscretion...professional golfers who pull out of competition on Sunday quicker than they do tramps that look like sand traps...(I won't mention any names...but I'll give ya a hint...in case ya don't follow golf...Big Cat...Forest)...that's one guy I'm not too sure this type of contraception would work for...didja see some fo the fugly things he fornicated with...ya coulda smeared them in enough shit to look like the Michelin Man after being masacred with mudpies...and it probably woulda been an improvement...me personally...I don't care how drop dead gorgeous you are...how tantalizing the pole dance was...or how sexy you are in your birthday suit...you show up hopin' to share a new sexual position...smellin' like alligator anus...or crocodile crotch...and all bets are off...I'll fly out the first avenue of escape so fast you'll no longer think of Mercury...messenger of the gods...as a myth!!!
03/12/12
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let go instantly...
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
Okay...so...lemme ask the most important question that comes immediately to mind...'Who tested this little theory?'...I'm guessin' NOBODY...because the very nature of a crocodiles hunting habits prohibit such an act...especially while displaying the calm demeanor with which the author seems capable of suggesting such an action...crocodiles...alligators...caymans...have existed on this planet millions of years longer than unintelligent lifeforms...like the human meatball who came up with this dumbass idea... what happens when a croc-o-gator attacks it's prey??? Come on...somebody hasta have seen this...even if it was inadvertently while watching a commercial for the Discovery Channel...It grabs with it's jaws...and drags it's soon to be supper underwater...you know...that liquidy shit we humans have trouble breathing UNDER...it then begins what is termed...'a death roll'...rolling it's enormous body...and that of it's victim.. over and over until it...(and by 'it'...I mean your dumb thumb pokin' ass)...stops moving...it then feasts...or simply buries it's catch until it's hungry again...NOW...I doubt very seriously that these ferocious...unfriendly...pissed off reptiles have been living on several different continents of this planet...since before the Cro-Magnon Mudpuppy relatives of the anal wart who authored this survival tactic...crawled outta caves...by backin' off everytime their food put up a little fight...or attempted to gouge a thumb into it's eye...there are certain animals that this technique would be very effective against...but I'm guessin' a gator ain't one of them...look...by now most of you are aware that I have some warped viewing habits when it comes to television shows...Swamp People on Animal Planet...seems to suggest a more reasonable survival tactic when it comes to evading the jaws of a croc...or gator...and it's one that I have adhered to on the few occassions that I have been within 100 miles of known gator habitat...mind you this was long before Swamp People was even a thought for a show about sister-f**kin' in the swamps of the Southeastern United States...if you happen to be in an area that could even remotely be considered habitable to alligators...crocodiles...caymans...or the like...the absolute best survival tactic for evading these creatures...and their massive masticating mandibles...is this...STAY OUTTA THE DAMN WATER!!! Believe me this will work for Sharks... Piranha...or any other carnivorous aquapet too...I really wish these damn T.V. producers would jump on board and shoot some actual reality TV...they already have...or had the programs...I'd like to see on a live feed...I was NEVER more pissed off at television than when the Crocodile Hunter/Steve Irwin died...because it wasn't aired...I watched that guy for years outta morbid curiosity...ya just knew after watching one...just one...of his shows...that this guy wasn't gonna be with us for very long...I NEVER thought it was gonna be from a stab to the heart by a stingray...but I seriously expected him to die from some form of undomesticated animal interaction...I just thought it would be something far more horrendous...like trying to thumb an aligator in the eyeball...there are reasons we don't have certain animals as pets...because they are DANGEROUS...especially to unarmed...anti-intelligent beings... (see uneducated authors of past...present...and future tidbits)...and therefore should be avoided...at all costs...if you want to see a specific animal...up close and personal...visit your local ZOO...that's what they're built for...to capture and maintain a modicum of control over beasts that really shouldn't be held in captivity...here's an idea...might come in pretty handy at some point in the future...if you intend to venture outside the walls of your house...in an environment other than urban...forest...mountains... oceans...lakes...grasslands...(you get the picture)...arm yourself accordingly...because here's the thing... you're likely to encounter wild animals in their natural habitat...and they aren't called WILD because they like to party naked like some co-ed about to be video-taped for voyeuristic volume attributed to the mammory gland region of the upper torso...thumb a crocodile in the eyeball indeed...this thing is already extremely upset with your transgression into/onto it's turf...and it's apparently determined that you'd make a tasty morsel on an otherwise mundane morning...about the only thing a thumb in the eye is gonna do is make things worse...think of it like lighting a match in the darkness of a powder keg room on board a pirate ship...NOTTA pretty picture now is it...if you're gonna go jabbin your digits in the optical openings of anything living...it might behoove you to insure YOU are the BIGGER... STRONGER creature of the two...if by chance you find yourself on the short end of the stick...then something keenly sharper than the opposable digit that enables your dexterity might be in order...like a Crocodile Cutting Katana...or a Gator Gouging Ginsu...and don't settle for the eye...there's enough boot material there for the both of us!!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
03/09/12
On an America one-dollar bill there is an owl in the upper left hand corner of the "1" encased in a shield & a spider hidden in the front upper right hand corner...
I don't know about the owl bit...I've seen the spider...ya hafta use a magnifying glass to getta glimpse...and even then your eyesight better be pretty good...don't know about the owl bit...but there's alotta useless shit on every denomination of United States paper currency...as most of ya may recall... we've already established that pennies are worth more when ya boil all the bullshit outta the picture... I don't know why we continue to use paper money...or coins for that matter...plastic is the new currency... know how to satisfy a woman with just 3 1/2 inches??? Give her a credit card...for the longest time I demanded a check from my employer...and elected to cash it myself...it wasn't until last year I decided to opt for direct deposit...now I seldom have paper currency or pocket change on me...there just isn't much use for it...the only people who demand cash are government run facilities...which I find amusingly ironic...since they should know...it's not worth the paper it's printed on...all these little things that you can find...or could find on the older bills...were/are supposed to be a key part of the anti-counterfeiting conglomeration the boys holdin the gold came up with back in the day...when it mattered...when money was actually backed by something other than Bubba's Barrels of Bullshit...the borders on a dollar bill are supposedly the spider's webs...which I find ridiculous to say the least...you put a spider in one corner...an owl in the other...and you want me to believe that spider survived skirting around the owl while spinning all these webs...highly doubtful considering there doesn't appear to be another food source available...there are some very interesting theories about 'who'...as a collective group...came up with the designs on the dollar bill...it is probably the most discussed and debated 'bills' in existence...supposedly it contains clues to it's creators...here's something we can all do as we read along...let's see if this doesn't cause a couple of you to have a coronary...pull out a '1' dollar bill...lay it face down on your desk, or the table in front of you...you'll notice there are 2 circles a little bigger than a quarter that act as bookends to the word 'ONE'...let's take a look at the left one...with the unfinished pyramid...with the 'all seeing eye'...topping it off...now take a pen...pencil...if ya can't find one I hear Cape Canaveral has a few they aren't using right now...they're a little pricey tho...borrow a crayon from one of the kids...grandkids...modern artists...starting at the top of the eye...draw a line all the way down to the base of the pyramid...go back to the top of the eye...draw a line down the left side of the pyramid...make sure you keep the shadow to the right side of the line you're drawing...now draw a line across the bottom of the pyramid...okay...now go to the bottom of the triangle with the eye in it...draw a line from the bottom of this triangle over to the letter on the right...and do the same over to the letter on the left...now...finish this upside down triangle... which should complete the 6 pointed Star of David...now...look at the letters associated with 5 of the 6 points...if you did this correctly...you should have the letters M-A-S-O-N...now the next thing I am gonna share with you...I found by accident...while trying to look up something completely different... this is pretty out there...I hafta say...this is one of those things that...if it doesn't cause ya to burst a capillary or two...will at least make ya wonder just WTF is going on?!?!?! (and with that folks, I'm going to cut this short and provide you this link http://www.armageddononline.org/911.php so you can take a look for yourself...keep in mind...if you have the different denominations available to you...a keen eye...or a magnifying monocle smaller than the Hubble Telescope...you can see better details!!!)
I don't know about the owl bit...I've seen the spider...ya hafta use a magnifying glass to getta glimpse...and even then your eyesight better be pretty good...don't know about the owl bit...but there's alotta useless shit on every denomination of United States paper currency...as most of ya may recall... we've already established that pennies are worth more when ya boil all the bullshit outta the picture... I don't know why we continue to use paper money...or coins for that matter...plastic is the new currency... know how to satisfy a woman with just 3 1/2 inches??? Give her a credit card...for the longest time I demanded a check from my employer...and elected to cash it myself...it wasn't until last year I decided to opt for direct deposit...now I seldom have paper currency or pocket change on me...there just isn't much use for it...the only people who demand cash are government run facilities...which I find amusingly ironic...since they should know...it's not worth the paper it's printed on...all these little things that you can find...or could find on the older bills...were/are supposed to be a key part of the anti-counterfeiting conglomeration the boys holdin the gold came up with back in the day...when it mattered...when money was actually backed by something other than Bubba's Barrels of Bullshit...the borders on a dollar bill are supposedly the spider's webs...which I find ridiculous to say the least...you put a spider in one corner...an owl in the other...and you want me to believe that spider survived skirting around the owl while spinning all these webs...highly doubtful considering there doesn't appear to be another food source available...there are some very interesting theories about 'who'...as a collective group...came up with the designs on the dollar bill...it is probably the most discussed and debated 'bills' in existence...supposedly it contains clues to it's creators...here's something we can all do as we read along...let's see if this doesn't cause a couple of you to have a coronary...pull out a '1' dollar bill...lay it face down on your desk, or the table in front of you...you'll notice there are 2 circles a little bigger than a quarter that act as bookends to the word 'ONE'...let's take a look at the left one...with the unfinished pyramid...with the 'all seeing eye'...topping it off...now take a pen...pencil...if ya can't find one I hear Cape Canaveral has a few they aren't using right now...they're a little pricey tho...borrow a crayon from one of the kids...grandkids...modern artists...starting at the top of the eye...draw a line all the way down to the base of the pyramid...go back to the top of the eye...draw a line down the left side of the pyramid...make sure you keep the shadow to the right side of the line you're drawing...now draw a line across the bottom of the pyramid...okay...now go to the bottom of the triangle with the eye in it...draw a line from the bottom of this triangle over to the letter on the right...and do the same over to the letter on the left...now...finish this upside down triangle... which should complete the 6 pointed Star of David...now...look at the letters associated with 5 of the 6 points...if you did this correctly...you should have the letters M-A-S-O-N...now the next thing I am gonna share with you...I found by accident...while trying to look up something completely different... this is pretty out there...I hafta say...this is one of those things that...if it doesn't cause ya to burst a capillary or two...will at least make ya wonder just WTF is going on?!?!?! (and with that folks, I'm going to cut this short and provide you this link http://www.armageddononline.org/911.php so you can take a look for yourself...keep in mind...if you have the different denominations available to you...a keen eye...or a magnifying monocle smaller than the Hubble Telescope...you can see better details!!!)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
03/08/12
After studying it for 47 days. the NY Museum of Modern Art discovered the Matisse painting, Le Bateau was hanging upside down...
For real yo...look...if your primary purpose for being on this planet is to showcase the artistic talents of others...you might not wanna take 47 days to figure out the exhibit you're displaying is in disarray...how do you hang a picture...one the artist hopes will become well liked and render him respect, praise and fame...upside down...seriously...how do you accomplish such a catastrophe...didn't the frame come with hooks...a wire...some sort of hanging apparatus that would signify the correct top...bottom...right...and left of the work it contains...the ones I buy always do...the problem here is the term Modern Art...which encompasses everything...pictures of seagulls pickin' shit outta landfills...an ashtray you dumped your cremated relative in when the urn crashed to the floor...an overflowing...poo filled potty...all forms of Modern Art...it was created for people who have NO artistic talent whatsoever...it's a made up profession for the Crayola Crowd...who couldn't color inside the lines when they were in third grade...I don't know why they didn't just leave the damn thing alone...it's NOT as if anyone but the artist would have realized the mistake...and he's been dead for over 50 years...which brings me to the next question...what's so damn modern about a piece of unintelligible art work from 5+ decades ago...that's NOT very modern in my book...what did they have...a whole 18 colors on the Crayola Chart to choose from back then...it's about as modern as a diesel submarine in a nuclear powered Navy...have ya ever taken a moment to study one of these modern art masterpieces??? They look like an easel ejected enamel all over the canvas before the artist got started...I'm more amazed by the people who seem to ACTUALLY see things in these paintings...they sit and stare at something that looks like a puddle of improper Pictionary procedures for hours and then enlighten the audience with their delicious discoveries...'It's a lady in a sundress misting the flowers in her neighbor's garden from across the backyard fence!'...WHAT??? It looks more like melted wax from the floor of a candle factory...where the hell do you see a lady??? I could walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Art... blindfolded and completely clueless...and I wouldn't miss a thing...hell if I wear tattered clothes... skip a shower for a week...and carry a sign that says...'Will work for Food'...and stand in the corner long enough...impersonating a mannequin...I have a better shot at being misidentified as Modern Art than I do of actually receiving an offer of employment...now I don't claim to be an artist...I couldn't draw water if I had a bucket...but one thing I'm pretty damn sure of is...being able to differentiate between bullshit and beauty...it's really quite simple...if you gaze upon a painting for more than a minute...and the impression the artist intended to illustrate remains ignorantly out of reach...it's bullshit...or Modern Art...if you prefer the politically correct pronunciation...if...on the other hand the artists concept keeps you from considering suicide...you find yourself able to define certain aspects of the artwork...and the detail is simply dazzling...it's beauty...or Actual Art as opposed to that Magic Marker/Sharpie Surprise hanging upside down at the end of the hall...my daughter Stephanie has some serious artistic talent...NO idea where it came from...but here is how I know she has potential...I can SEE what she is trying to convey thru her various mediums of art...I NEVER hafta say...'Oh hunny...that is just...um... er...AWESOME'...without actually meaning it...she really has done some outstanding work...and I implore her to further herself in this field...I wouldn't dream of falsely supporting her endeavors... unlike the parents of these Modern Art progidies...I probably have an above average imagination...and yet were I forced to walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Garbage...I'd burn everything inside and replace it with Wonderful World of Watercolor Works as presented by the Academy for Anti-Artists... why not right??? Everything else that hangs in these hallowed halls looks like the type of stuff one would expect to find on the walls of a room occupied by an overfull offspring's dirty diaper...what a tourist trap for the talentlly challenged that place must be...and to think...had they just had the foresight to stare into the shitter one final time before flushing...they coulda skipped this leg of the excursion and went to see something really entertaining...like wharf walking sewer rats or something...Modern Art...the movement that needs improvement so it doesn't inadvertently cause a less desireable movement...it's like the ex-lax for artists...when the shit just won't come thru...whaddaya do...smear it with shit...then it's time to quit...we've all heard the phrase...'A starving artist'...and NOW you know why...it's damn hard work selling someone on the idea that what you're presenting is the cutting edge of the industry...especially when it looks more like a picture of a clogged Columbian caca catcher...you don't get to be a starving artist if you possess more talent then a ten day old turd...viewing a Modern Art Masterpiece has gotta be like typing...asjhdkihj thiewoij fruh flals jbnvjf...and defining it as an urban slang associated with the English language...it's just a buncha senseless shit NOBODY is EVER gonna understand...that's why they wait until AFTER the artist is deceased to dangle their drawings on otherwise empty walls...it prevents debate over disastrously drawn detail-less dipshit witted works of wonder...I say wonder in the sense of...I wonder WTF that was...go ahead...GOOGLE...Matisse Le Bateau...and you tell me what that is...to me it looks like the reflection of a shark fart...a dorsal fin surrounded by fecal fumigation...it's NO wonder they had it upside down...it's close enough to identical ...regardless of which way it's hung...I wouldn't have given a shit either way...a quote accredited to Matisse states...'Seeing is in itself a creative act which requires effort'...yeah...like the effort to visit a vision center...and the creative act of having them prescribe the right magnitude of optic enhancing eyewear...crafty little bastard...still didn't fool me with well placed words...it's gonna take alot more than some crap covered canvas to change me into a believer of bullshit over beauty!!!
For real yo...look...if your primary purpose for being on this planet is to showcase the artistic talents of others...you might not wanna take 47 days to figure out the exhibit you're displaying is in disarray...how do you hang a picture...one the artist hopes will become well liked and render him respect, praise and fame...upside down...seriously...how do you accomplish such a catastrophe...didn't the frame come with hooks...a wire...some sort of hanging apparatus that would signify the correct top...bottom...right...and left of the work it contains...the ones I buy always do...the problem here is the term Modern Art...which encompasses everything...pictures of seagulls pickin' shit outta landfills...an ashtray you dumped your cremated relative in when the urn crashed to the floor...an overflowing...poo filled potty...all forms of Modern Art...it was created for people who have NO artistic talent whatsoever...it's a made up profession for the Crayola Crowd...who couldn't color inside the lines when they were in third grade...I don't know why they didn't just leave the damn thing alone...it's NOT as if anyone but the artist would have realized the mistake...and he's been dead for over 50 years...which brings me to the next question...what's so damn modern about a piece of unintelligible art work from 5+ decades ago...that's NOT very modern in my book...what did they have...a whole 18 colors on the Crayola Chart to choose from back then...it's about as modern as a diesel submarine in a nuclear powered Navy...have ya ever taken a moment to study one of these modern art masterpieces??? They look like an easel ejected enamel all over the canvas before the artist got started...I'm more amazed by the people who seem to ACTUALLY see things in these paintings...they sit and stare at something that looks like a puddle of improper Pictionary procedures for hours and then enlighten the audience with their delicious discoveries...'It's a lady in a sundress misting the flowers in her neighbor's garden from across the backyard fence!'...WHAT??? It looks more like melted wax from the floor of a candle factory...where the hell do you see a lady??? I could walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Art... blindfolded and completely clueless...and I wouldn't miss a thing...hell if I wear tattered clothes... skip a shower for a week...and carry a sign that says...'Will work for Food'...and stand in the corner long enough...impersonating a mannequin...I have a better shot at being misidentified as Modern Art than I do of actually receiving an offer of employment...now I don't claim to be an artist...I couldn't draw water if I had a bucket...but one thing I'm pretty damn sure of is...being able to differentiate between bullshit and beauty...it's really quite simple...if you gaze upon a painting for more than a minute...and the impression the artist intended to illustrate remains ignorantly out of reach...it's bullshit...or Modern Art...if you prefer the politically correct pronunciation...if...on the other hand the artists concept keeps you from considering suicide...you find yourself able to define certain aspects of the artwork...and the detail is simply dazzling...it's beauty...or Actual Art as opposed to that Magic Marker/Sharpie Surprise hanging upside down at the end of the hall...my daughter Stephanie has some serious artistic talent...NO idea where it came from...but here is how I know she has potential...I can SEE what she is trying to convey thru her various mediums of art...I NEVER hafta say...'Oh hunny...that is just...um... er...AWESOME'...without actually meaning it...she really has done some outstanding work...and I implore her to further herself in this field...I wouldn't dream of falsely supporting her endeavors... unlike the parents of these Modern Art progidies...I probably have an above average imagination...and yet were I forced to walk thru the NY Museum of Modern Garbage...I'd burn everything inside and replace it with Wonderful World of Watercolor Works as presented by the Academy for Anti-Artists... why not right??? Everything else that hangs in these hallowed halls looks like the type of stuff one would expect to find on the walls of a room occupied by an overfull offspring's dirty diaper...what a tourist trap for the talentlly challenged that place must be...and to think...had they just had the foresight to stare into the shitter one final time before flushing...they coulda skipped this leg of the excursion and went to see something really entertaining...like wharf walking sewer rats or something...Modern Art...the movement that needs improvement so it doesn't inadvertently cause a less desireable movement...it's like the ex-lax for artists...when the shit just won't come thru...whaddaya do...smear it with shit...then it's time to quit...we've all heard the phrase...'A starving artist'...and NOW you know why...it's damn hard work selling someone on the idea that what you're presenting is the cutting edge of the industry...especially when it looks more like a picture of a clogged Columbian caca catcher...you don't get to be a starving artist if you possess more talent then a ten day old turd...viewing a Modern Art Masterpiece has gotta be like typing...asjhdkihj thiewoij fruh flals jbnvjf...and defining it as an urban slang associated with the English language...it's just a buncha senseless shit NOBODY is EVER gonna understand...that's why they wait until AFTER the artist is deceased to dangle their drawings on otherwise empty walls...it prevents debate over disastrously drawn detail-less dipshit witted works of wonder...I say wonder in the sense of...I wonder WTF that was...go ahead...GOOGLE...Matisse Le Bateau...and you tell me what that is...to me it looks like the reflection of a shark fart...a dorsal fin surrounded by fecal fumigation...it's NO wonder they had it upside down...it's close enough to identical ...regardless of which way it's hung...I wouldn't have given a shit either way...a quote accredited to Matisse states...'Seeing is in itself a creative act which requires effort'...yeah...like the effort to visit a vision center...and the creative act of having them prescribe the right magnitude of optic enhancing eyewear...crafty little bastard...still didn't fool me with well placed words...it's gonna take alot more than some crap covered canvas to change me into a believer of bullshit over beauty!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
03/07/12
The toilet on the space shuttle has a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...
WHAT??? No 12 billion dollar pen chained to the crapper so they can leave each other lovely little cave drawings...a footrest, handholds...a seatbelt and a suction fan...who knew taking a shit in zero gravity was such a massive undertaking...good lord...I've been constipated before but seldom to the point I would need to utilize a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...where pray tell does the suction fan eject this poop projectile...into outer space??? I think these engineers are overly obssessed with finding proof of those elusive Black Holes...I get the need for a suction fan...it keeps shit from floating around the shuttle...but what about those poor bastards who have spent their whole lives peeing from a position perpendicular to the potty...whadda they have some sorta automatic milking machine apparatus to keep the urine from misting all over the monitors for Mission Control...and how does this suction fan work...it must create a vacuum when the individual in question pops a squat...otherwise you'd have a commode that slightly resembles a Whack-a-Mole machine at the County Carnival...little brown bastards bouncin around waitin to be beaten back into their hole...so one would hafta assume that the suction is immediate and of an unforgiving nature at the moment of evacuatory exercises...so how much suction is used??? Just enough to leave a hickey on the hiney??? Who guinea pigged this idea??? It sure wasn't any of the Apollo Astronauts...you remember those fella's...the ones who rocketed from earth in an overcrowded capsule...void of any restroom facilities...landed on the lunar surface...conducted several missions over a number of days...and NEVER once found it necessary to relieve themselves...maybe spraying liquified fecal matter all over outer space is the sole reason so many abductees seem to fall back to earth after being fingered...the aliens visiting us are trying to determine who is responsible for these outer space anal offerings...because here's the thing...altho I've NEVER been on a space shuttle...I grew up in a house with 4 other people...and lemme assure you...had we been subjected to using a single toilet without the accompanying sewer capacity required...I woulda been shittin' out in the back yard by Day 2...so unless they have a sewage station floating around that they can dock up to and evacuate their caca compartment accordingly...that shit is floating around somewhere outside the atmosphere...and what about the boys...the berries just below the branch...whaddaya do with those puppies when ya gotta poo...can't just leave them danglin' down there by that suction fan...you might be singin' in a different octave once you find the off button...this little suction shitter is probably one of the reasons we elected to mothball the shuttle program...we're waiting to see what the Russians come up with...like Depends Diapers...simple enough solution...and less costly over the length of the program...sit and shit...then switch your Soilies for some new ones...or here's a novel notion...you're in outer space...zero gravity...right??? Wouldn't it make more sense to mount the caca catcher upside down on the ceiling??? I mean far be it from me to point out the obvious...but that's where I woulda started...and I don't even have a degree in engineering...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that since everything floats in a general upward direction...perhaps the porcelain pedestal needs to be placed in a more appropriate position...I mean holy cow...if ya took that much time designing a comfortable yet confining commode...I can't wait to see the shower...that thing damn near hasta suck the skin right off your skeleton in order to keep your upright walkin ass from drowning in a puddle of your own putrid waste water...and I'll bet they NEVER even thought of using wet wipes for this little task...I'll never...for the life of me...understand the internal thought processes they incorporate when tackling the simplest of situations...let's see...we need a footrest here...some handolds there...throw in a seatbelt for security...and a suction fan for removal of rectal refuse...there...now that we've grossly overrun our projected budget...let's cut some corners and superglue giant blocks of foam down here on the bottom of the shuttle where it comes into contact with the outer atmosphere...it should be fine...a few more sparks upon re-entry but otherwise...as solid as any paper mache project...if you look at NASA's history they don't have a very good track record...lost a coupla capsules early on...followed by a shuttle or two...NOT to mention the lives of those onboard...which makes me wonder...How in the hell did they ever get volunteers??? Missions accomplished have a slight advantage over the ones that failed...I mean these guys fly space ships much the same way I'd imagine a Sasquatch skips boulders across swamp water...without much success...every once in awhile they surprise themselves and all those lookin' on...NOT the best advertising campaign for wannabe astronauts...I mean as much as I would love the opportunity to escape the gravitational forces of earth for an outpost in space...given the half-assed hooligans in charge down there in Texas...I think I'll wait on the Annunaki...because the last thing I wanna hafta utter while sittin' on the shitter during a suction fan malfunction is...'Hey...Houston...we have a problem!!!'
WHAT??? No 12 billion dollar pen chained to the crapper so they can leave each other lovely little cave drawings...a footrest, handholds...a seatbelt and a suction fan...who knew taking a shit in zero gravity was such a massive undertaking...good lord...I've been constipated before but seldom to the point I would need to utilize a footrest, handholds, a seatbelt and a suction fan...where pray tell does the suction fan eject this poop projectile...into outer space??? I think these engineers are overly obssessed with finding proof of those elusive Black Holes...I get the need for a suction fan...it keeps shit from floating around the shuttle...but what about those poor bastards who have spent their whole lives peeing from a position perpendicular to the potty...whadda they have some sorta automatic milking machine apparatus to keep the urine from misting all over the monitors for Mission Control...and how does this suction fan work...it must create a vacuum when the individual in question pops a squat...otherwise you'd have a commode that slightly resembles a Whack-a-Mole machine at the County Carnival...little brown bastards bouncin around waitin to be beaten back into their hole...so one would hafta assume that the suction is immediate and of an unforgiving nature at the moment of evacuatory exercises...so how much suction is used??? Just enough to leave a hickey on the hiney??? Who guinea pigged this idea??? It sure wasn't any of the Apollo Astronauts...you remember those fella's...the ones who rocketed from earth in an overcrowded capsule...void of any restroom facilities...landed on the lunar surface...conducted several missions over a number of days...and NEVER once found it necessary to relieve themselves...maybe spraying liquified fecal matter all over outer space is the sole reason so many abductees seem to fall back to earth after being fingered...the aliens visiting us are trying to determine who is responsible for these outer space anal offerings...because here's the thing...altho I've NEVER been on a space shuttle...I grew up in a house with 4 other people...and lemme assure you...had we been subjected to using a single toilet without the accompanying sewer capacity required...I woulda been shittin' out in the back yard by Day 2...so unless they have a sewage station floating around that they can dock up to and evacuate their caca compartment accordingly...that shit is floating around somewhere outside the atmosphere...and what about the boys...the berries just below the branch...whaddaya do with those puppies when ya gotta poo...can't just leave them danglin' down there by that suction fan...you might be singin' in a different octave once you find the off button...this little suction shitter is probably one of the reasons we elected to mothball the shuttle program...we're waiting to see what the Russians come up with...like Depends Diapers...simple enough solution...and less costly over the length of the program...sit and shit...then switch your Soilies for some new ones...or here's a novel notion...you're in outer space...zero gravity...right??? Wouldn't it make more sense to mount the caca catcher upside down on the ceiling??? I mean far be it from me to point out the obvious...but that's where I woulda started...and I don't even have a degree in engineering...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine that since everything floats in a general upward direction...perhaps the porcelain pedestal needs to be placed in a more appropriate position...I mean holy cow...if ya took that much time designing a comfortable yet confining commode...I can't wait to see the shower...that thing damn near hasta suck the skin right off your skeleton in order to keep your upright walkin ass from drowning in a puddle of your own putrid waste water...and I'll bet they NEVER even thought of using wet wipes for this little task...I'll never...for the life of me...understand the internal thought processes they incorporate when tackling the simplest of situations...let's see...we need a footrest here...some handolds there...throw in a seatbelt for security...and a suction fan for removal of rectal refuse...there...now that we've grossly overrun our projected budget...let's cut some corners and superglue giant blocks of foam down here on the bottom of the shuttle where it comes into contact with the outer atmosphere...it should be fine...a few more sparks upon re-entry but otherwise...as solid as any paper mache project...if you look at NASA's history they don't have a very good track record...lost a coupla capsules early on...followed by a shuttle or two...NOT to mention the lives of those onboard...which makes me wonder...How in the hell did they ever get volunteers??? Missions accomplished have a slight advantage over the ones that failed...I mean these guys fly space ships much the same way I'd imagine a Sasquatch skips boulders across swamp water...without much success...every once in awhile they surprise themselves and all those lookin' on...NOT the best advertising campaign for wannabe astronauts...I mean as much as I would love the opportunity to escape the gravitational forces of earth for an outpost in space...given the half-assed hooligans in charge down there in Texas...I think I'll wait on the Annunaki...because the last thing I wanna hafta utter while sittin' on the shitter during a suction fan malfunction is...'Hey...Houston...we have a problem!!!'
03/06/12
During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax...
That's odd...I wasn't around during Peter the Great's time...but as far back as I can remember in Russian History...which isn't far...because believe it or not...I think the only thing that saved that country during WWII was...(Ooooh ME...PICK ME...I KNOW THIS ONE)...The USA...and the enormous population they have...which kept them in it long enough for us to draw Hitler's attention away from building strip malls in Siberia...so I hafta admit...I really haven't given a shit about studying Russia's History...I will however say that from what I've seen of them...in those stellar black and white photos in the National Geographic archives...were I Russian...at anytime in it's history...and a lawmaker...I'd be more apt to consider strongly recommending a tax on the women who wore beards...mustaches...unibrows...I mean do you remember Nikita Kruschev...that old lady was as ugly as they come...and she ran the country disguised as a man for how long??? I'm guessin' men with beards during Peter the Greats time...were just trying to fit in with the rest of the population...I mean it would be rather embarassing to be seen walking down the road with your 12 year old bearded daughter... while you're clean shaven and lookin' the fairer of the two...she'll make some beet farmer a nice wife someday...talk about huntin' for Bigfoot in all the wrong places...those idiots on Finding Bigfoot need to make a trip over to this hidden little continent and start DNA testing some of these missing links... good lord...they must bathe like cats...sit around pickin' stuff outta each others fur like a buncha bug infested primates...I mean seriously...how hard can it be...okay...I know...they are still recovering from the effects of hundreds of years under Communist control...but even back then...share a razor...scrub a piece of sandpaper smooth...pluck it with your teeth...do somethin'...ya can't let them run around like that...it's bad for tourism...NOBODY wants to visit a place where the only thing seperating the men from the women is a skirt...because believe me...that ain't attractive neither...you can't paint a purrty picture of hairy female legs...NOT even on a horse...ya know...the Spartans had a cliff they threw their impure infants off of...and an enormous Black Hole surrounded by bricks...that they kicked unwanted or unworthy individuals down...we had Molokai...and now Cuba...where we send individuals we deem unworthy or unwanted by the global society...and we won't even mention who used what in which European countries less than a century ago...and yet the Russians...those brilliant pioneers of pencils in space...let their women run around untaxed and unshaven...I mean the next thing ya know...little Penelope is gonna be starring in a customer service commercial...'Hello...dis is Peggy...how may I 'elp ju?'...bet you'll be one proud papa then...you and the...Mrs...is it??? (Shakes head in acknowledgement)...Good...you and the...eh...eh...Mrs...can go out and celebrate...free Schick Super Squatch Samurai Sharp Seven blade razors for the whole family...a life time of Nair for young Natalie...start using it on her before her 7th birthday and maybe her balls won't drop...whatever you decide...STOP bitching that you're broke if you're gonna keep birthing hairballs...I will say this tho...since the beheading of that bitch...Communism...some sections of the former Soviet Union have embraced sexuality and have charged into the modern era...to say they are without beauty would be untrue...Pamela Anderson is of Russian descent...Mila Kunis...from That '70's Show...also of Russian heritage...so...as you can see...once the 'Iron Curtain' crumpled like the coffee cans it was made from... alot of these women decided come hell or highwater they were going to stand out from the other carpet backed behemoths their ancestry was known for...and they shaved...(according to certain undocumented photographic evidence...it would appear certain individuals from that former Communist Country...consider shaving to be childsplay...and the only hair you'll find on them anywhere is above the eyes...like on top of their heads...the rest is as anatomically barren as a Barbie Doll...or so I've heard)...we need a tax like that here in America...NOT on female facial hair...altho...if you currently have it...don't worry...NOBODY's watching you chew your toenails at lunch either...we need one on stupid people...I don't mean people born with a legitimate learning disability...I mean just plain...fell under the turnip truck which resulted in smarter vegetables falling off of the turnip truck... stoooooo...pid...you know the type...like the ones who decide...right smack dab in the middle of tax season...to UPGRADE their TAX SOFTWARE...(we won't mention any names...but their website is www.irs.gov) ...these people are worse than tyrants like Peter the beard taxing Great...they ought to be included in the phrase...'all enemies foreign and domestic'...I need this organization like i need to suffer an anal wart infected with Elephantitis...what I wouldn't do for a simple beard tax these days...I'd shave down to the skull out of spite...it'd be a helluvalot less hair raising than what we have now!!!
That's odd...I wasn't around during Peter the Great's time...but as far back as I can remember in Russian History...which isn't far...because believe it or not...I think the only thing that saved that country during WWII was...(Ooooh ME...PICK ME...I KNOW THIS ONE)...The USA...and the enormous population they have...which kept them in it long enough for us to draw Hitler's attention away from building strip malls in Siberia...so I hafta admit...I really haven't given a shit about studying Russia's History...I will however say that from what I've seen of them...in those stellar black and white photos in the National Geographic archives...were I Russian...at anytime in it's history...and a lawmaker...I'd be more apt to consider strongly recommending a tax on the women who wore beards...mustaches...unibrows...I mean do you remember Nikita Kruschev...that old lady was as ugly as they come...and she ran the country disguised as a man for how long??? I'm guessin' men with beards during Peter the Greats time...were just trying to fit in with the rest of the population...I mean it would be rather embarassing to be seen walking down the road with your 12 year old bearded daughter... while you're clean shaven and lookin' the fairer of the two...she'll make some beet farmer a nice wife someday...talk about huntin' for Bigfoot in all the wrong places...those idiots on Finding Bigfoot need to make a trip over to this hidden little continent and start DNA testing some of these missing links... good lord...they must bathe like cats...sit around pickin' stuff outta each others fur like a buncha bug infested primates...I mean seriously...how hard can it be...okay...I know...they are still recovering from the effects of hundreds of years under Communist control...but even back then...share a razor...scrub a piece of sandpaper smooth...pluck it with your teeth...do somethin'...ya can't let them run around like that...it's bad for tourism...NOBODY wants to visit a place where the only thing seperating the men from the women is a skirt...because believe me...that ain't attractive neither...you can't paint a purrty picture of hairy female legs...NOT even on a horse...ya know...the Spartans had a cliff they threw their impure infants off of...and an enormous Black Hole surrounded by bricks...that they kicked unwanted or unworthy individuals down...we had Molokai...and now Cuba...where we send individuals we deem unworthy or unwanted by the global society...and we won't even mention who used what in which European countries less than a century ago...and yet the Russians...those brilliant pioneers of pencils in space...let their women run around untaxed and unshaven...I mean the next thing ya know...little Penelope is gonna be starring in a customer service commercial...'Hello...dis is Peggy...how may I 'elp ju?'...bet you'll be one proud papa then...you and the...Mrs...is it??? (Shakes head in acknowledgement)...Good...you and the...eh...eh...Mrs...can go out and celebrate...free Schick Super Squatch Samurai Sharp Seven blade razors for the whole family...a life time of Nair for young Natalie...start using it on her before her 7th birthday and maybe her balls won't drop...whatever you decide...STOP bitching that you're broke if you're gonna keep birthing hairballs...I will say this tho...since the beheading of that bitch...Communism...some sections of the former Soviet Union have embraced sexuality and have charged into the modern era...to say they are without beauty would be untrue...Pamela Anderson is of Russian descent...Mila Kunis...from That '70's Show...also of Russian heritage...so...as you can see...once the 'Iron Curtain' crumpled like the coffee cans it was made from... alot of these women decided come hell or highwater they were going to stand out from the other carpet backed behemoths their ancestry was known for...and they shaved...(according to certain undocumented photographic evidence...it would appear certain individuals from that former Communist Country...consider shaving to be childsplay...and the only hair you'll find on them anywhere is above the eyes...like on top of their heads...the rest is as anatomically barren as a Barbie Doll...or so I've heard)...we need a tax like that here in America...NOT on female facial hair...altho...if you currently have it...don't worry...NOBODY's watching you chew your toenails at lunch either...we need one on stupid people...I don't mean people born with a legitimate learning disability...I mean just plain...fell under the turnip truck which resulted in smarter vegetables falling off of the turnip truck... stoooooo...pid...you know the type...like the ones who decide...right smack dab in the middle of tax season...to UPGRADE their TAX SOFTWARE...(we won't mention any names...but their website is www.irs.gov) ...these people are worse than tyrants like Peter the beard taxing Great...they ought to be included in the phrase...'all enemies foreign and domestic'...I need this organization like i need to suffer an anal wart infected with Elephantitis...what I wouldn't do for a simple beard tax these days...I'd shave down to the skull out of spite...it'd be a helluvalot less hair raising than what we have now!!!
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