PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!

Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life...

That's right folks you heard it here first...ALCOHOL is capable of sustaining life...unfortunately I know quite a few families that would argue otherwise...having lost loved ones to ALCOHOL related accidents...because apparently it doesn't just sustain life...it makes people misjudge distances...speeds ...cornering habits...walking...talking and the way you see things...I don't drink and drive anymore...took a few trips to county jail to learn that lesson...but it finally sank in and NONE too soon...sleepin' on concrete with a little blanket that you can read through...isn't on my list of things to do again...especially NOT because I was too drunk to drive home and got behind the wheel anyway...it's much safer to walk...or NOT drink...I don't even like to drink outside my house in the yard...because assholes with badges have NOTHING better to do than to harass you for trying to abide by the law...it pisses them off that they can't arrest you for an alcohol related offense...kinda weird how a life sustaining potion like ALCOHOL is responsible for liver failure...brain capacity corruption...taste bud failure...loss of sense of smell...and a laundry list of other life threatening diseases...how many people drink themselves to DEATH every year...hundreds...thousands...and yet this moron wants people to believe that most ALCOHOLIC beverages are capable of sustaining life...I don't see people hiking into the woods with bottles of booze instead of dehydrated foods...I don't recall grocery stores going out of business because somebody opened a liquor store next door... I've NEVER had the paramedics show up in an ambulance and hook me up to an ALCOHOLIC IV to keep me goin' til we got to the hospital...ALCOHOL is basically liquid courage in a bottle...it causes people to get violent and angry...which leads to fights...events which do more to damage life than sustain it...NEVER had a prescription for ALCOHOL...got one for Medical Marijuana...but NONE for ALCOHOL...as a matter of fact I'm pretty damn sure each and every bottle used to contain an ALCOHOLIC beverage produced LEGALLY in the United States has a distinct WARNING LABEL on it stating that it shouldn't be enjoyed by women who are PREGNANT...I mean if it has such life sustaining attributes...why are expectant mothers discouraged from drinking it???  I have a feeling this author had a moment of stupidness during an episode of sobriety that caused him to produce this kinda mush melon logic...ALCOHOL is a dehydrating substance...it dries out the human body...look at an ALCOHOLIC...does ANYTHING about them SCREAM...I am at the height of my life...NEVER felt better physically...emotionally...and mentally...NO...because they are SUFFERING from the effects of their favorite concoction...NOBODY gets off an ALCOHOL related offense by spouting off to the Judge that they thought their LIFE was in DANGER and they needed ALCOHOL in order to survive...that's the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard...well for today anyway...tomorrow will undoubtedly bring a whole new plethora of ignorance for us to deal with...but lemme be the first to tell ya that the members of MADD aren't dying off as quickly as those they oppose...as a matter of fact they seem to be gaining new members by the minute according to Federal statistics regarding the LIFE ending qualities of ALCOHOL...kinda odd that everyone involved with the medical community seems to ABHOR the effects of ALCOHOL...I mean think about it for a minute...an ambulance ride runs about $3,000.00...an overnight stay at a hospital...another $2,500.00 bare minimum...all other LIFE sustaining equipment and personnel can extend into the tens of thousands of dollars...and a bottle of ALCOHOL...somewhere between $10 and $50 depending on your preference and available budget...don'tcha think if ALCOHOL were the LIFE sustaining gravy of the gods this idiot seems to think it is...that every house in America would have a well stocked liquor cabinet included???  If you think ALCOHOL is providing you with some sort of LIFE sustaining characteristic...you need more help than I can give you...you'll keep drinkin til the day you die...which by all accounts shouldn't be much further in your future...it's Friday folks and I hate to rain on your parade...but I would rather pull out an umbrella today to shield you from the downpour than to hold your loved one's hand at your funeral...had enough of those recently to fill my quota for the year...have a great weekend...and PLEASE...if you are gonna drink..do so RESPONSIBLY!!!

SHEEP PEEPERS!!

Sheep can recognize other sheep from pictures...

And yet again another tidbit that deals with the awesome power of animals...let's take a moment to let this little morsel of mutton minded material...kinda makes ya wish ya had some mint jelly don't it...yeah me neither...how does a person even come up with this kinda information...I mean seriously...what was the premise for photographing sheep on an individual basis...what happened... was there a crime committed at one of the local sheep shearing mills...was there a theft of some sort...a pair of shears come up missin'...they needed to subject off unsheared sheep to a lint filled lineup...I mean come on...there hasta be a reason...NOBODY just wakes up one day and says... Hmmm think today I'll go out to the farm and take me a few shots of some random sheep to see if they recognize each other when they're separated...I mean there hasta be a reason for this kinda mental meltdown...I have a feelin' this little tidbit is steeped in the dark side of the history books...we all know what shepherds do when they are left alone with their flock for several nights all alone... certain urges continue to be prevalent and before ya know it the shepherd has a human wife and a woolly replacement for those long cold winter nights...imagine the surprise in the little lambs eyes when it realizes it is being subjected to bestiality...gotta be kinda scary to look over your shoulder to see what's goin' on...just to see the shepherd liftin' his cloak for a quickie...gotta believe those first few sheep learned to run like the wind...which ultimately created a headache for the herder...how was he to get his rocks off without lookin' like a ram...then it dawned on him...chisel pictures of sheep into stone and wear it like a mask..it'll mindfuck the mutton into believin' he is one of them...sheep are less likely to try and run if they look back and see one of their own wantin a little wet wool...I mean yeah...it created some confusion among the new litters of lambs...'Mommaaaaaa...I can recognize EWE...but which one is my Daaaaaaaaaad'...ya know I'm NOT impressed by this little nugget of neanderthal thinkin'...I really don't care if sheep can recognize other sheep through the process of lookin' at pictures...if these crafty little creatures really wanna impress me...prove to me they can identify their grandparents...show them a picture of a nice 'V' neck sweater and see if they recognize Grandad now...maybe a pair of socks...see if they recognize Larry and Layla...the two twin lambs that lost their lives when they stumbled into the slaughter house and fell into the shearing pit last summer...I swear sometimes I just don't get where people come up with these crazy ass ideas...or where they get the money to conduct such assinine research...why NOT chickens...goats or cows...what makes sheep so special...and for that matter how can they make the claim that they recognize each other in pictures...what was the indicator...did their wool stand on end...did they get an excited look in their eyes...did they start jumpin around with all of the anticipation...or was it a simple...baa for yes...baa baa for no...doesn't make much sense to me...I mean what's the point of taking individual pictures of sheep...unless it's a scare tactic to keep them in line...one of them gets a little unruly...doesn't follow instructions...won't comb out it's long locks of lint...ya show them a before and after picture of Gramma...one of her in Sheep form...the next in Sweater shape...if that doesn't get them back in line nothin' will...I'll tell ya...I have serious trouble believin that sheep can recognize each other without pictures...let alone with them...because they don't possess the same memory capacity that we as humans do...if they did they wouldn't rush through the gate to the shearing and slaughtering site...they'd know from previous experience that those that entered before them...NEVER returned...picture or not...those sheep are gone...hell I have trouble remembering the names and faces of my children's friends and they are here all the damn time...most of them could be sheep for all I know...I'm constantly havin' to ask...Who are EWE...I know...that was pretty BAAAAD...but whaddaya gonna do...it's Thursday!!!

I need everyone to do me a huge favor...I have provided a link below...click on that link for me...you don't have to sign up or buy anything, you just need to click on it...if you want to sign up, be my guest...I get $2.00 for each and every click on my link...whether you sign up or not...Thank-you!!!
 http://earningsip.com/ref.php?page=act/ref&invcod=30540

DIRTY DAWGS!!!

In Denver, the dog catcher must notify the dogs of impounding by posting, for 3 consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park...

That makes a ton of sense...don't it...what language do you suppose they print out these postings in...I mean there are different breeds of dogs from all over the world...probably at least one of each living in the Denver area...PLEASE...PLEASE...don't tell me that just because they were raised here in the States that they assumed all the dogs were well-read in the English language...you may as well impound the dog and read him his rights...you know where pets come from...from the same place all other animals come from...the wild...they are considered domesticated because our dumbasses couldn't leave them be...they seemed small enough for us to control...so we capture them and trained them...much like they do in the circus...and just like the animals in the circus...they all have animal instincts that cannot be undone...it is their nature to want to be free from captivity...much like humans they do not enjoy being penned up in a cell for endless hours everyday...NOR do they like to be dragged around town on a damn collar and chain...they want to run and be free...most of them are harmless...some have been trained and mistreated to be aggressive and vicious...but like most other animals their bark is often worse than their bite...they are just as scared of a stranger as you or I might be...that's why they run away from people they don't know...like dogcatchers...probably a damn good thing this little travesty of an idea didn't spread to other areas...can you imagine if we employed this tactic with fleeing felons...post them a little note near their favorite hangout for three days straight tellin' them that they were wanted and that if they didn't return home and stay hidden somebody was gonna come pick them up and haul them off...how ridiculous...posting impound warnings notifying the dogs of their impending doom...whaddaya do after the three days have passed...go pick them up and read them their rights in Swahili...show them pictures of pet owners that have reported a missing pet...see  if they recognize anyone they can paw as an accomplice...impounding a dog for doing something that comes naturally...like running and playing...foraging for food in a trash can...being an ANIMAL...is kinda like lockin' people up for showing up to work and paying their taxes...it just doesn't make sense...I have a dog problem where I live...one of my neighbors has two of them...one of which is a real pain in my ass...gets out of the yard...digs through my garbage can...leaves a mess all over the yard...I called Animal Control...had them issue citations without seizing the dog...problem still persisted...right up until I approached the pet owner and explained to him that the next time his dog dug through my garbage he was gonna be the one to clean it up...either out of my yard...or out of his...haven't seen that dog since...didn't hafta post a warning sign saying the dog would be impounded...didn't hafta call Animal Control again...just a simple two minute conversation with an idiot that couldn't seem to understand things until they were put in the simplest of forms...wouldn't have pissed me off so much if he didn't have a huge fenced in back yard that the dogs could run and play in...lazy bastard lets them out the front door so they can go shit in the lawns of everyone else...NOW...I don't know if it was my conversation with him that cured the problem...or if he had to write his dog a note everyday for three days straight before the animal finally figured it out...what I do know is that I accomplished more in that brief two minutes than anyone else had previously...as a matter of fact...if I'm NOT mistaken there is now a For Sale sign in the front yard of their house...which means they've either realized they've outstayed their welcome and are moving to another city...or they are gonna look for land outside of town where they don't hafta cage their pets while they're away to prevent picking through my garbage when they get home...pets are like children in a sense...you, as the owner are responsible for them...the difference being that responsibility doesn't fall to them after a certain age...with pets...it's FOR LIFE...if one of my pets creates a nuisance I damn sure wouldn't attempt to blame the dog...and I'm definitely NOT gonna waste my time writing it a letter or trying to read to it...and ya wanna know why???  because I don't write or speak ANIMALESE...it's as foreign to me as Mandarin...I wouldn't be able to understand it without subtitles...kinda like the dogs in Denver that wander aimlessly by their own wanted posters on a daily basis...oblivious that they are being watched and placed on the WANTED list...maybe I'm wrong here...this is only a suggestion...but before you Coloradians chop down more trees to make the paper you print these assinine impounding notices on...maybe you should invest some of that money on actually teaching the dogs to read...seems that would be the prudent thing to do...might make those notices you're posting actually get NOTICED...I know what most of you are thinkin'...(But Kevin...that's just as insane an idea as posting the notices in the first place)...and right you are...but I didn't start the stupidity...I'm just trying to promote it in such a way that all shallow end swimmers end up in the Mile High City!!!

DAYDREAMER SUPREME!!!

The more you dream, the higher your IQ...

Whadda crock of shit this is...you know how many daydreamers I sat next to in school when I was younger...and believe me they weren't any damn smarter than me...hell half of them are probably still tryin' to graduate...if dreamin' made ya smarter I'd spend 20 hours a day staring off into space...an hour in the shower dreamin' about other stuff...and 3 hours wonderin what I should dream about the next time I fell asleep...and I wouldn't  be the only one...hell people would be quittin' their jobs just to sit around and dream up intelligent tidbits that actually made sense and we wouldn't have a damn thing to discuss on our weekly adventures through the vocabulary and lexicology of our language...and the brief flashes of intellect that I possess because I paid ATTENTION in school...I didn't learn the language and how to master it by layin' around in bed all day... you know what gives you a higher IQ???  The desire to learn shit...if laziness promoted higher levels of intelligence...I'd know some of the smartest sonsabitches on the planet...I mean come on...look around you...if this tidbit were true there'd be a ton of people you could literally point a finger at and correctly identify those among you who don't even sleep...let alone dream...they're the ones huntin' UFO's...bouncin' around in dark forests tryin' to find Bigfoot...or they're tryin' to talk to ghosts...and each one of them because they couldn't give up on their imaginary friends from childhood...seriously...it takes me about half an hour to put together the tidbit...sometimes more...sometimes less...depends on what else I have goin' on at the moment...and how good the medicinal mj is for that day...that's precious time I could be dreamin'...and sometimes I do...for hours without even knowing it...because I'm ASLEEP...and I seldom remember any of the things that run through my mist covered mind while I am in SLUMBER...funny thing tho...I don't tend to wake up with life saving ideas...or the answer to life...I don't even wake up with unusual insight into the female psyche...no new recipes...cures for cancer...overnight millionaire success stories...I usually wake up with the munchies...the urge to go piss...or from a loud noise...NOT usually an alarm...that wakes everyone else up...and then the thunderous footsteps to shut it off wake me up...what strange looks I get...as if I interrupted an intelligence filled dream state...and NOW they're missin' out and becomin' dumber than their friends...which if they only stopped a second to consider they would realize is impossible...collective stupidity runs in groups...ya ever notice that...especially in kids...teenagers primarily...they don't tend to go out and get in trouble by THEMSELVES...even when it appears as tho they possess the capability to be that DUMB...it isn't usually the case...they are either a victim of slowfootedness or they are the DUMBEST of the DUMB kids they hang out with and they got left behind to take the fall...either way...they are in dire need of cryogenically induced comatose sleeping situations in order to correct the problem...I mean seriously...kids these days have the technology my generation woulda killed to have...and yet they get caught doin' DUMB ass shit all the time...I've said it a thousand times...if I've said it once...technology has made us lazier...and as a lazier breed of people we SLEEP more...which means we should DREAM more...and yet the presence of intelligence seems to be disappearing with each new generation of pants around the ankles wearers...those of us that graduated before the 90's...had to do something kids of today NEVER hafta do...we hadta personally FIGURE shit out...we couldn't Google the answers to next weeks History exam...we couldn't use a calculator in Math class...I know some of ya are still pissed that you hadta use an abacus...or felt cheated because you learned to count on Grandpa Joe's toes and he was missing 3 of them from a freak accident at work...the thing is...the kids today have NO idea how to raise their IQ...if it isn't handed to them by clicking a few radio buttons on a computer screen...they're too uneducated to FIGURE out what to do next...you give a kid these days a linear math equation, a piece of paper and a pencil...and tell them to solve it...you're probably gonna end up with a drawing that looks like Da Vinci's Last Supper...if they were servin' spaghetti...you wanna raise your IQ...read a damn book...try NOT to fall asleep...if you DREAM at all...DREAM that you are a character in that book...if you can't understand one of the words...LOOK it up...find out what the definition is...use that word in at least 10 sentences a day...if NOTHING else it will give the ILLUSION you are educated...look at it this way...if the biggest word in your vocabulary consists of less than 10 letters...you don't even have an IQ that would register on a Q-tip if I shoved it in your ear to gauge your level of intelligence...if you find yourself runnin' to the dictionary every time a word starts with a 'T'...ends with an 'E'...and only has one other letter in the middle...you need some NO-DOZ...you're ass has been DREAMIN' long enough...ya think Edison went to bed every night and DREAMT up new models of failure for the light bulb...before he finally found what worked...NO...he sat at a desk...drawing up new ideas while he was wide AWAKE...which is why we use that little symbol to SIGNIFY somebody finally CATCHIN' on...thereby raising their IQ...NOW granted...some light bulbs are still brighter than others...but they only click ON...when the person's eyes are open and they are DEEP in THOUGHT...NOT DREAMY states of REM sleep...speakin' of which...it's time I lay my merry little mind to rest and try to wake up somewhat less DUMB tomorrow...because apparently my kids are gettin' more sleep than I am...I couldn't be DUMBER in their eyes if I DROOLED myself to DREAMLAND!!!

TAS-TEE!!!

An exocannibal is a cannibal that only eats enemies, an indocannibal only eats friends...

Seriously...look...if somebody eats the flesh of my dead carcass...they were an enemy of mine at some sort...I don't really give a flyin f**k at a rollin' doughnut by which name you call them...the author of this tidbit is an entirely new breed of idiot...what are the distinguishing features of each little clique of cannibals...this is obviously a by product of insignificant science based studies...exo...means outer...indo means inner...therefore an exocannibal would only eat things visible on the outside of the body...whereas an indocannibal would only consider the inner delicacies of the dearly departed as being edible for consumption...whadda dumbass...but in all fairness to the idiots we face on a daily basis...I hear if you blindfold an exo cannibal and an indo cannibal and feed them flesh from the same corpse...it tastes like chicken...there are slight variations in texture and consistency between ethnicities...for instance...in blindfolded taste tests...exo's and indo's agreed that African ears that like burnt potato chips...whereas Oriental ears taste like raw fish...how would you be able to differentiate between the two tribes if ya came across them...I mean if this were even remotely true...wouldn't you wanna know if you should befriend the tribe or piss them off...seriously..I know I'd wanna know whether to show up bearing gifts...or throwing stones...it seems it would have a huge impact on whether or not I lived...and you would hafta believe that there are rules to the game of feasting on human flesh...what do indo's do...wait for their friends to die before beginning the feast...how would you live amongst a group of people that you knew were going to be suckin' fried flesh off your bones if you failed to wake up the following morning...whaddaya sell off the tasty parts while you're still alive and kickin'...and if there are exocannibals and indocannibals...it stands to reason that there are omnicannibals...capable of simmerin' you're rottin corpse in a pot of boiling stew...regardless of what side of the friend/enemy fence you fell on...I wonder if they have the same problems in their little societies and civilizations that we do...is there a new group of herbicannibals...little pockets of flesh eating resistance...the vegetarians of the collective corpse munchin' morons...refusing to eat either friend or foe...I didn't realize cannibalism was still a problem..so much so that we had to assign different categories and classifications for the crusty butt munchers...I mean really...where do you go shopping for this week's supply of finger fries and toe tater chips...it's NOT like there's a local deli where ya can get a slab of friendly flab steaks...or an egg carton full of enemy eyeballs...I mean don't get me wrong...there are times where cannibalism has saved the lives of others...the Donner Pass incident for one...shit happens when ya go hikin' unprepared in the WINTER...makes it necessary to eat whatever ya can just to stay alive...but in this day and age if you find yourself in such a predicament...chances are ya didn't think things through very well during the planning process... something went drastically awry while you were rollin' that little piece of logic lint around in the frontal lobe of your lopsided learnin' lesion...you know how people get lost in the wilderness???  By GOING there in the first place...if you were born and raised in a suburban or metropolitan setting...and the only time you've ever seen NATURE has been in a book...STAY HOME...you won't hafta end up incorporating indocannibalism into your daily dietary plan when your friends and family members begin to perish...if you don't know how to swim...don't get on a boat...this will keep you from ending up lost at sea...in a raft with a buncha other idiots that can't swim...waiting for one of them to die so you can make jerky from the fleshy parts of the thigh...NOBODY eats people anymore unless it's a necessity...cannibal tribes have been modernized thru the use of weaponry...they were much like the natives here in America...ill equipped to combat rifles with spears...so they got their sh*t together and started finding other things to feast on...I shouldn't even hafta tell ya why this little tidbit CAN'T be TRUE...but I will...because it's Monday...and ya should learn somethin' new every day...if indocannibals only eat their friends...kinda like men from Kentucky only marry their sisters...there are only so many friends an indo can eat before the supply chain runs dry...because let's face it...once people know you're eating your friends...much like if they find out you're f**kin' your own sister...you're gonna have more enemies than you are acceptable acquaintances...on the other hand...if you're an exocannibal...you hafta hunt and kill your food supply...which is kinda like bein' married to an ugly person...because let's face it...once people know you're killin' off your enemies for next Friday's feast...or sleepin' with a hideous hairy thing named Henrietta...they're generally gonna be friendly to your face...even if they talk sh*t behind your back...you don't hafta be a rocket scientist to figure out how to keep from being the main course at your friends impending funeral...if you're goin' somewhere that doesn't have the availability of a convenience store close by...pack plenty of FOOD...it will keep ya from bein eaten by your FRIENDS & FAMILY!!!

THE HANGOVER 2.5

In Rome, after a rousing toga party, the cure for hangovers was a breakfast of sheep lungs and two owl eggs...

...mmm...mmm...mmm...the things you don't see in the Jimmy Dean frozen food section for breakfast items...Idk where this information came from...probably the same little ree ree that brought us the news of curing intoxication by rubbing lemon juice in your armpit...I have no doubt this worked as a cure of some sorts for the horrendous hangover some of them faced...my question is who cleaned up the mess???  You getta buncha drunk Romans and Praetorians stumblin' around after a night of wearing bedsheets and little leaves around your head...a breakfast of sheep lungs and owl eggs is sure to cause projectile puking championships of some sort...trophies for distance...longevity...color... texture...hell you could even give one for multiplicity...the one who pukes the most wins...what's the cure for indigestion after ya eat a big bowl of steamin' sheep lungs and owl eggs???  I'm kinda thinkin' this doesn't work as well as advertised since Irish people appear to be some of the heartiest drinkers on the planet...and they gobble compacted sheep intestines known as Haggis and they still look rough after a hard night of stickin their heads in the hops barrel...Idk where these cures for alcohol related after effects come from but I do know this...most of them fail miserably to alleviate any of the feeling associated with being hungover...most people don't wake up face down in a puddle of their own piss and vomit thinkin'...Damn...sure wish I had me some sheep lungs and owl abortions for breakfast...you wanna know what cures hangovers...ABSTINENCE...or at the very least DRINKING IN MODERATION...once you over imbibe you are F**KED...there's no turning back...you can deal with it...or schedule a full blood transfusion...or ya can do like the rest of the free thinkin' world does and SLEEP it off...I don't drink like I used to...hangovers suck ass...so I switched products...I get high...get somewhat tired...usually get the munchies...NOT for sick sh*t like sheep breathers and owl ova...but for edible stuff...ice cream...cinnamon rolls...cereal...simple stuff that doesn't require much in the way of preparation...and I have the added benefit of blaming it on a medical condition...I love how warped this country is...alcohol is legal...causes hundreds if not thousands of deaths a year...can't getta prescription for it...marijuana is illegal at the federal level...yet it doesn't cause a single death a year and can be prescribed in certain states...I swear...the dumbass things we do as a world leader continue to shock and surprise me...I don't understand the thought process behind the sheep lungs...you slaughter the poor animal...presumably skin it...and what...decide to skip on all the delicious meat...for the lungs...wouldn't it make more sense to eat the meat...feed a helluvalot more people with alot less wasted sheep material...I mean seriously... whaddaya gonna do feed maybe two Roman alcoholics per sheep...one lung a piece...Idk maybe I'm wrong...maybe we need to grind up sheep lungs and add them to alcoholic beverages and prevent hangovers right from the get go...silly bastards...I'm thinkin' sheep lungs and owl eggs were the only things left over from the smorgasbord or buffet the night before at the toga party...it's the left over shit NOBODY found appetizing enough to eat while they were drinkin'...makes more sense...especially if you've ever hung around a buncha alcoholics like I have before...they wake up and grab the first thing that resembles food...3 day old pizza they found in the stove...a half eaten chili dog from 7-11 they scrounged around and found under the back seat of their car...pocket lint covered hard candy they found in someone's piss covered pants...I've even seen someone eat a dirt covered hot dog they found rollin around by the camp fire...I drink a beer or two here and there when I feel like being social...but the days of waking up with a small snare drum being played at orchestra levels in my head have passed...I've no desire to wake up with some retarded concoction of shit that doesn't belong in our mouth starin' up from a big steamin' bowl right before m eyes...I do like to watch others get drunk tho...and if you happen to be the unlucky one that passes out first...keep one thing in mind...when you wake up and make it to the mirror...and get your first glimpse of the facial modifications I performed for you free of charge...I DID IT...and I am NOT very subtle with my techniques...ask the gus who were present with me in the Air Force out in North Dakota...NOTHING cures a hangover like being woken up 15 minutes before dress blues guardmount...being hurriedly dressed away from any available mirrors...rushed to the Law Enforcement facility...only to find out that your left eyebrow and right half of your moustache have been systematically removed while you laid in bed comatose...the things we do for fun...Have a great weekend!!!

THAT'S JUST TURDIBLE!!!

Over $100,000 was spent to finance a study to determine whether people put their toilet paper rolls on the holder with the flap in front or behind.  3 out of 4 will have the flap in the front...

For the love of Pete...this tidbit is proof positive that I have been right all along...there's $100,000 that we won't ever get back...NEVER be able to put to purposeful uses...it's gone...flushed down the proverbial commode of completely useless compilations of Caca...who really gives a flyin' blue f**k how the toilet paper flap sits on the toilet paper roll holder...I would think the more important factor of sittin' on a self flushin' shitter would be the presence of TOILET PAPER at all...I've NEVER sat down at a public or private turd taker and thought to myself..."Oh F**K...the toilet paper is on BACKWARDS"...I'm just happy I don't hafta use my hand...or one of my friends, family members or hosts finer pieces of linen to remove the remaining evidence of evacuation...this does shed some light on the difference between genders...because MEN do NOT replace the toilet paper roll when it is depleted unless they happen to be sitting on the toilet when it runs out...and even then they usually leave it sitting on top of the empty roll or on the back of the toilet...they have very little time to be bothered with the mundane poop removal replenishment procedures of affixing the toilet paper to the holder in the correct way...I wonder how many people actually take the roll off and turn it around just to get the shit off their brown eye...WOMEN are the ones responsible for the results of this study...MEN couldn't care less about how the flap of the toilet paper sits while it is on the roll...the fact that they are able to sit down...inside...and have a wad of something softer than razor blades to wipe their ass with...is way more than enough for them...we are the simpler life forms of the planet...we were happy shittin' in a hole and using leaves and animal pelts for removing rectal matter back when we lived in caves...it was WOMEN that needed a nice little chair to prop their patooties on...if it was up to us we wouldn't even have sewers...we'd just have big old shit pits...gathering holes where people could poop...without worryin' about the flap of the poop paper they use...I think they should redesign toilet paper holders...place the bar vertically...then you can waste another $100,000 tryin to figure out which side the flap usually ends up on...the right...or the left...I can't imagine how proud the author's parents must be...couple hundred thousand wasted on an education for their little anal offspring...so that they could go on to leave their mark on society by determining how people prefer to pull paper designed to wipe the ass and be flushed...I mean it would be one thing if toilet paper was just an adornment...something for show...an aesthetically appealing addition to the area where ass matter was washed down the porcelain poop catcher...but it isn't...it is a viable resource for part of the plop...plop...flush...flush procedure...it doesn't need to be pretty and in it's place prior to being sent to the nether regions of an individual rectum...it needs to be effective...capable of preventing penetration from prodigious digits on the poop scoopin' plant hand...I don't get it...maybe I'm completely off base here...but couldn't that money have been better spent on something else...a cure for some disease...a new toilet design that eliminates the need for toilet paper or a toilet paper holder...I mean seriously...is it any wonder we're gettin our asses handed to us in the technological sector...other countries are conducting studies aimed at furthering humanity...we're f**kin' around with a wad of waste paper to see which way the flap should go...$100,000 discovering how pretty poop paper can be...did it ever occur to this moronic mage of butt mudd that the prettiness of the poop paper doesn't solve other problems...like clogged commodes...broken seats...back splash from epic episodes of immediate evacuation...I guess I'm more baffled by the fact that they spent $100,000 on a study of this nature...how in the hell does it cost $100,000 to knock on a handful of doors or place a few phone calls just to ask the question...statistics being as bloated and misleading as the are...I think I woulda called 4 or 5 people...got some useful information and pocketed $99,997.15...paid off my student loans and picked a new field of study...preferably something that doesn't consist of playin around in other people's potty palaces!!! 

iPHONE IRONY!!!

The items most requested to be buried with the body are cell phones and Blackberries...

I find it somewhat puzzling that the author separated Blackberries into their own category...like they were somethin' other than a cell phone...and I also find it somewhat ironic that these have become the most commonly requested beside the body burial items...since they have been making a steady assault on attaining the top overall spot in the...vehicular accident causing death...category...texting while driving has become almost as deadly as drinking and driving...yet ya don't see as many alcoholics wanting to take a bottle of their favorite beverage with them to the afterlife...but cell phones...a definite necessity in the afterlife...gotta stay up to date on what's happenin' while we're GONE...for good...seriously...were ya expectin an important text from someone...didja think ya might be able to send back a message...let the rest of us know what it was like from beyond the grave...I mean come on...at best ya have a couple weeks left before your billing cycle comes due and your phone gets shut off...that is if you're battery doesn't die first...I mean what were ya thinkin'...even if by some miracle you were able to use the device...what wouldja do with it...apparently the navigation system isn't gonna do ya any good...there are NO maps to get ya home from where you've gone...and I doubt either Heaven or Hell has 3G or 4G capabilities...which means your high priced coffin companion is as useless as a paperweight...as a matter of fact it is much like you in your current condition...void of life...unable to perform the simplest of procedures...it is but a shell of it's former self...I've always been surprised by what people will place in a coffin next to their dear departed loved ones...valuable items...which promotes grave robbing in some areas...items that should be kept as family heirlooms...or be kept as remembrances by those that are left behind...NOBODY ever puts anything useful in the casket...why???  Because there is no useful accessories that belong in a casket...the people in them aren't going to be thankful...if anything they are wonderin' what in the hell you put that furry little rabbit's foot in their hand for NOW...it obviously wasn't very lucky for the rabbit...and it's a little too late to be of any USE now...I have a feeling most of the people requesting to be buried with their cell phones and Blackberries...end up being the very ones that die with them in hand during a traffic accident they caused by replying to a text...technology is a sickness when it is mishandled...have I texted before while driving...of course I have...however now that I have a phone with talk to text capability...I send texts while driving by speaking into my phone...while keeping my eyes on the road...the automotive industry has dropped the ball yet again...have ya ever seen what an Air Force, Navy or Marine jet fighter pilot hasta deal with just to fly one of these trillion computation per second capable machines...texting and driving is a joke compared to the things these people deal with on a daily basis...Heads Up Displays with so much sh*t in the way ya wonder how they know they're in a plane...automotive integration is the key...you cannot continue to develop technology without compensating for it across all industries...how hard can it be to take a page out of Hollywood and create an HUD smart phone system for a cell phone...TEXTING has become the new way to communicate...the further technology pushes us to a brighter future...the further it sets us back as a functioning society...it has made us fat, lazy and complacent...this blog is proof...just 30 years ago if i wanted all of you to tune in and pay attention to what I hadta say...I had but a handful of choices...I could write to each and everyone of you on a daily basis and send it through the mail...NEVER knowing if you got the letter...read it...enjoyed it or not unless you took the time to reply...or I could have it printed in a local newspaper out of my pocket and hope to find enough readers...I could write a book and hope someone bought it...15 years ago I could type it into a single email and send it to a number of different people all at the push of a button...trusting that each and every recipient would take the time to open and read it...today I can post this to millions of people on a number of different social networks and reach people I don't even know...have NEVER met and will probably NEVER interact with on a personal level...at the push of a button...which really isn't a button at all...it's a series of computer literate language sequences that are place on a web site to display a certain depiction to those viewing the page...there are advantages to modern technology...my kids don't get away with half the shit I did...if we woulda had this type of technology back in my day...wouldn't have been a good thing...Momma woulda found out the things her 2 boys were up to...I woulda hadda Blackberry buried alright...firmly up my ass with a high heeled boot...I'm kinda thankful for that really...cuz to be honest...if we woulda had this kinda technology when I was a teenager...in conjunction with the stuff I pulled...I'd still be shittin' little brown Androids outta my ass to this day...it's to the point now that if I can't getta hold of one of my kids...I can normally getta hold of one of their friends to find out where they are...and I can't imagine what the future will hold...for the following generations...poor bastards...their thoughts will probably be displayed on their parents smart phone screens...long before they even enter their tiny little heads...preventing them from ever being able to lie or get away with anything...Mothers around the world will finally find out who...NOT ME...and NOBODY actually are...this tidbit does gimme an idea tho...for my own funeral...if I am able to have a hand in plannin' it...Imma develop an application that allows your smart phone to send a text to multiple recipients after a specific amount of time has passed without you own phone being used...that way...if I time it right...half way through the funeral proceedings everyone's cell phone will go off simultaneously...with the same message...LEMME OUTTA THIS F**KIN' BOX...should be somewhat comical...half the people will stop cryin and laugh...others will run for the doors and NEVER attend another funeral as long as they live...but seriously...I don't wanna be buried with my cell phone...I didn't answer it half the time when I was alive...probably not gonna improve that ratio much when I'm dead and gone...I wanna Viking funeral...build a little wooden boat...soak it in kerosene...gasoline...jet fuel...anything and everything flammable...throw my carcass on the funeral pyre...everybody get drunk or high as hell...grab a bow and a quiver of arrows...push me out in the lake...the ocean...whatever...and fire away with flaming arrows...no cell phones or Blackberries necessary...HAPPY THUMPDAY!!!

THE DIFFERENCE IN GLOBAL DOMINANCE!!!

In Pakistan, goats are usually sacrificed in order to improve the stock market...

...and that my friends should tell you everything ya need to know about towel heads and their twisted methods...sacrificial goats for better returns on the stock market...seems to be workin'...at least according to Forbes list of top 500 failures in global history...as I recall there aren't any Pakistanis listed among the richest and wealthiest people on the planet...I mean seriously...there are things we could learn form other cultures and civilizations around the world...but there are things they could learn from us as well...like how to manipulate the stock market by leaking threatening messages about the local economy to the government sponsored newspaper media...shocking the buying populace into a selling frenzy at pennies on the dollar...a tried and true method...perfected right here in the United States...by our own core of millionaires...I find it awkward that you would sacrifice and animal for any type of situation other then the necessity to survive...bu then again I had the good fortune of being born in a land where we hang our laundry to dry...so what do I know about animal sacrifices and the rewards received...I mean seriously...it really doesn't take much to dispute this little myth...NOT that they don't sacrifice goats for prosperity...f**kin' heathens...they do...but it obviously doesn't work...and here's why...because you can still buy goats...and goat products...if killin' a goat made ya rich on the stock market...goats would be extinct and a new animal would be on the short list of survivors...because WE as people are GREEDY...we NEVER have enough stuff...even if our house is full of everything we want...we still have the need to find more STUFF...we would be killin' goats at bullet speed...I would be cornering the market on raising goats and believe me...the prices of purchasing a goat would escalate by the minute...I'd cross goats with rabbits and have new litters every hour...you know what you hafta sacrifice in order to have any success on the stock market...MONEY...dipsh*t...that's how it works...you buy stocks at a certain price...you hold onto them hoping that the rice per share continues to climb...at some point you sell them for a profit...unless of course your selections of companies to buy stock in sucks...in which case you sell them for a loss and move on...it was still a successful experience because it should have educated you on how fragile the nature of investing in possibilities and dreams can be...goats have NOTHING to do with the fluctuation of the stock market...(How can he be so sure???)...because stock markets were NOT designed with the buying, selling, trading and torturing of goats in mind...that's how I know...they were designed to provide a flow of money to companies that needed a surplus of cash in order to continue to operate...business owners realized the potential for financial success by selling off small pieces of the company to public investors as opposed to selling the controlling interest to another entity...as the company became more successful shareholders could return their stock in the company at the current price and receive a return on their investment...they have since then morphed into extravagant displays of shit most people can't understand...because like everything that is extremely important in the real world...they don't teach stock market procedures in high school...and they seldom do a good job in colleges and universities...otherwise more of those wasteful bastards would pay off their student loans...eating up enormous chunks of our national debt...and furthering our own country and the stock markets it supports...sacrifices can be fun and exciting adventures...if they are done with a logical and sound reason in mind...bear with me...don't be so judgmental...sacrificing politicians would undoubtedly bring about a change in government...good or bad...it is a practice that can be continued on an as needed basis...see with the goats for stock market superiority theory...if killin' a goat brought success on the stock market...doesn't it stand to reason that all remaining goats that were ALIVE would adversely effect that same stock market...making the killing of just one goat like trying to put a band aid on a severed limb...now with the sacrifice a politician theory...you hafta whack them all for it to even work...leavin' no room for error...a much sounder and logical position to throw support behind...I know...I know...here's my disclaimer...I'm NOT promoting the mass execution of a select group of people...just the systematic removal of them from office...and influence...FOR LIFE...there's a difference...and before anyone decides they would like to offer proof that sacrificing goats really does promote good financial health on the stock market...ask yourself this...how bad is your stock market situation that killin' a goat made it possible for you to travel to Amereeeeca and drive a cab...what beeeg dreams you have Habib...it's tuesday folks...who wore there togas???  If I had a dime for every time I got distracted...oh look dinner!!!

BILINGUAL GENIUS!!!

California has issued at least 6 drivers licenses to people named Jesus Christ...

...this...comin' from somebody who ha probably NEVER set foot in the state of California... NOBODY in the history of man has shared the name of Jesus Christ...at least NOT in the English version of the name...California...being an annexed piece of the original Mexican Territory...represents a transitional state of immigration...it is full of illegal people of a native nature...only in AMERICA...where stupid shit like this is possible...and since it appears that it's full of idiots who think the rest of us don't know the translation of Jesus (pronounced Hey Zeus...if you don't press #1)...Cristo...they think we are too bilingually ignorant to discover word root origins without their masterful command of the languages on this planet...buncha dumbasses...if there are 6 people in the state of California named Jesus Cristo...they shouldn't have licenses...they probably don't even have green cards...I mean think about it...are you tellin' me that somebody named Jesus Cristo would be hidin' out in the state of California's lettuce fields a grape vineyards...doubtful... NOW if you had told me that there was a magician in California named Jesus Cristo that was performing some new water walkin' trick...or was turning avocados into tacos and feedin' the masses...then I'd hafta say that warrants mention...I mean gettin' a license under a false name has NEVER really been that hard to do...if ya know the right people you can even get a fake license from an actual DMV...but I don't know any of those people...they tend to all reside somewhere just outside of Hollywood...some of them are in D.C. but they fake more than drivers licenses...those guys are the heavy hitters...they fake REASONS for invading other countries...they use ridiculous names to cover up the names of IMPORTANT people and equipment...like NOBODY knows what Air Force One really is...in the grand scheme of things...a dark skinned person named Jesus Cristo...comes as NO big surprise...them gettin' a license in that name...from a state they probably deserve to live...since their ancestors are the ones that basically settled that part of the country prior to the Gold Rush...at least the southern half of it...which seems to be all they are interested in anyway...I mean seriously...what does California have anymore now that the GOLD is GONE...fields of fruit and vegetables that need to be picked...I don't get the whole argument over illegal immigration...lemme see if I got this right...it's okay for our companies to ship entire factories down there and fill them with lower paid native workers...but it isn't okay for them to come here and STEAL jobs from us...jobs NONE of us want to do anyway...it's really rather simple...as a country Mexico falls somewhere in between NOT worth a shit...and NOT yet industrialized to the point of being worth a shit...those of them with the determination to get into this country and pick fruits and vegetables...I say more POWER to them...that's exactly what our forefathers did...invaded a foreign land and took things from people that were there originally...I mean look at the dumb shit we have done in this country...we have pushed out the natives and taken their land for our own...we have enslaved black people to PICK cotton and do the manual labor chores we found unsavory for ourselves...all the way up to deporting people with in between skin...who want to come here and PICK stuff and do manual labor chores we find unsavory for ourselves...it's enough to make my head spin and projectile vomit split pea green soup...I mean what in the hell are we thinkin'...and for that matter what the hell are they thinkin'...all of our good manual labor paying jobs are already in their country...why would they need a license in the first place...stay home...ride the damn burro to work and build those American made vehicles...hell I'm all for making a land swap...give them California...and we will take all of Mexico...warmer climates...better beaches...TEQUILA...far too often we miss golden opportunities in order to maintain the status quo...screw that...let's give away some other shitty states while we're at it...we'll give Michigan to the French...in exchange we get any influence or territory they have a claim to in the Caribbean...why would the French want Michigan...proximity to Montreal, Canada...pay attention...we give Florida to the Cubans...we take over all the key islands and other tropical locations between mainland Florida and the equator...don't worry we will get Florida back...it's a ploy...but I mean damn...NOTHING in the Constitution stipulates we hafta be continuous states...expansion is the key to Empirical growth...and let's face it...without it we are doomed...because the Chinese own this property and the Mexicans are invading before the Wei Oan Ju and his army come runnin over...we need to think of where we wanna live next...I'm likin' the South American situation myself...nice thick jungles...beautiful scenery...cheaper labor rates...Oh wait...that last one only works if we stay here...oh well take whatcha can...right...some of the information we get to deal with...like this tidbit...interesting only because the author was fascinated by something that should be expected...I don't see anyone gettin' all excited because there are several people in Minnesota named Sven Svenson that have a drivers license...and a know why...because that's where Swedish and Norwegian natives decided to settle...same reason NOBODY gets all shocked beyond belief when half of Alabama show up at the DMV with Bubba printed on their birth certificate...we come to expect such things from these regions of the world...I don't see any shocked cajuns runnin' around because of all the Pierre's in the area...get out a little more...good lord...hava great Monday folks...I know I'm hopin' for a much better week!!!

ALL HAIL THE TUSCAN TWO WHEELED TAXI!!!

Ancient Rome had a Rent-a Chariot business...

...and this my friends is why the last Great Empire fell by the wayside...ignorance in advertising useless business ideas...seriously...how in the hell do you market a Chariot rental business???   As I recall there weren't many two seat chariots...at least NOT in the Hollywood versions...they were generally reserved for single occupancy...there may have been room for a second individual...but what good would that do if the whole family wanted to go somewhere...ya gotta hope like hell one of ya has passed the chariot driving test...or ya gotta rent one for each member of the family...along with a driver...and who do ya think drove these rent-a-chariots...escaped Gladiators...or do ya think they had towelhead taxi operators like they do in New York...this is one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard...why not rent seatless uni-cycles ya buncha Christian killin' heathens...I can just see it now...hundreds of chariots parked outside the Colosseum...all waiting to be hailed...to carry the rush of traffic to areas that were what...within walkin' distance of where you were at...because that's how they built cities back in those days...jammed together for proximity and ease of access...so where do ya think ya might need to take one of these rent-a chariot contraptions...you would think that a wise business man...wouldn't allow for individual rental of the chariots for fear of NEVER getting them back...I mean it's NOT like you could rent one in Rome and drop it off in Tuscan...or Venice...couldn't drive one to Sicily...and due to design...if you were a rental chariot driver you had no protection from being stiffed for the fare...seein' as how the backside of those things were wide open...like every receiver in a football huddle that didn't get the ball thrown to them on the last play...which means riders could jump off at anytime without notice...but of course...these were earlier...simpler civilizations that were void of the type of criminal thinkin we are capable of in this day and age...and how in the hell did they decide what fare to charge...couldn't just slap a meter on one of the wheels and a way we go...were there single horse...double horse and quadruple horse chariots like in all those neat movies...cuz that would hafta play a role in the price ya could expect to pay for a ride somewhere...right???  I mean...idk about you guys...but I ain't payin the same price for a ride on a Schwinn as I am for a ride on a crotch rocket...see there's just too many problems with the whole fare rate for it to even work...you couldn't charge by how many city blocks you drove...ever been to one of the Old countries...they weren't much on building cities in block divisions...they were more circular in nature...if you pay attention...winding out from the city center...which poses a serious issue for those incapable of establishing a map with a radius graph established in order to determine a fair and just amount for travel...but hey...that's just one man's opinion on how it would hafta work in order for any amount of success to be realized...there is one HUGE flaw with this whole THEORY tho...because let's face it...translation of ancient languages like Italian...which is a member of the Indo-European family of languages having root origins in the Italo-Dalmatian, Romance and Italic language groups...spoken by over 85 million people in this day and age...is hardly an exact science...linguists GUESS at what they are reading in these ancient manuscripts...which makes me wonder who OWNED these chariot rentals...because unless I missed something in my brief research of Roman history...trust me...it was all of 33 seconds if it was anything...but CHARIOTS...were BUILT...for USE...by the ROMAN militia...there is NO mention in the history books of independent CHARIOT dealerships that bought, sold and traded these things...they were designed as a tool of WAR...transportation by horse and buggy at higher speeds was an advantage of WAR...and like many tools of WAR...it lacked one essential element to be considered capable of passenger transport...features of COMFORT...like shock absorbers...assinine design flaws that made them prone to FLIPPING at high speeds...safety equipment...and insurance...I mean I could be wrong...anyone got pictures from the Colosseum showing ancient advertisements for the new line of chariots by Ferrari...NO...hmmm...unless Hollywood history has it completely wrong...which wouldn't be unheard of...CHARIOTS were reserved for the upper class aristocracy of the Roman Empire...Emperors, Senators and certain members of the Praetorian Guard...primarily in the newly outfitted Calvary regiments...so either the Empire was destitute and several upper class members of society were moonlighting to compensate for a crumbling Empire that couldn't write their paychecks...or people didn't ride in CHARIOTS as a luxury...they either traveled by foot...or carried themselves on horseback if they could afford one...there wasn't much industry in that day...you either built WEAPONS...or you traded goods on the market...usually for other goods or money...which you then used to make further transactions of importance to your SURVIVAL...you might as well sell wishes...you'd hafta have a real good day gamblin on Gladiators to piss your money away on a bumpy ride that could end up with a trip to the nearest meat hackin genius that wants to be a doctor in their next life...a CHARIOT rental business...when they weren't even available to the general public...I mean this is just common sense kinda stuff...and here's all the proof you should need...if CHARIOTS had been released to the general public...there woulda been modifications...automotive travel would have taken a huge leap...it didn't...because like all things left in the hands of governments...the CHARIOT failed as a vehicle of transportation and was only moderately successful on LEVEL battlefields...you could literally tip them over by hitting a rock or a hole...they were like the Yugo's of there day...fun to look at...useless in real everyday life...I mean who would rent a CHARIOT...when there were comfortable covered wagon type vehicles that closely resembled stage coaches...what morons...it's like opening a backwards business...quick...somebody run out and getta buncha horses...I got an idea of how we can send communication back and forth...even if somebody did have a CHARIOT rental service in Rome...how did they attract customers???  Stands to reason that there weren't any listings in the local phone book...pretty sure advertising wasn't what it is today...so ya either gotta pay someone to drive around and try to pick up riders...(in my best native Indian accent...dot not feathers)...'Hey...my friend...you have 5 drachma...I geeve you ride in nice Chariot...I am Jerry...your humble servant and chariot operator...please...you geeve me money now...and I take you to home'...I mean come on...Rome was the capital city of an Empire during the days when CHARIOTS were used...they were a symbol of SUPREMACY...seldom enjoyed by those of common means...and trust me NOBODY that can afford a CHARIOT ride is gonna PAY for one...it would have been beneath them...so if you're ever in Rome...don't go hailing any Two Wheeled Taxi's driven by immigrant towlies from Tuscan!!!

NOTTA-EUROPEAN THING?!?!?

In Puerto Rico, to stop a hangover before it starts, they rub a slice of lemon or lime into the arm pit of the arm they will use for drinking...

I'm kinda curious...is it the male portion of the population that undergoes this time honored tradition...or it is the women...or could it be both...in some twisted anti-tequila tango to thwart the aftereffects of waking up next to some hideous creature you rode home from the bar last night...I mean there is some valuable information missing here...if it's just the male population that has the foresight to rub a lemon or lime wedge under their Latin America love lapels...then it could be as a distraction...something to make the women at the cabana swim with nausea...however if it is the female gender that is taking the time to pretty themselves with powerful perfume from a lemon or lime then the implications can be far more severe...pay attention fellas...this could be important...perfume on a women can be sensual and erotic...enticing sexual activity...it can also be used as a masking agent to bury other unsavory bodily odors that become present during the course of a woman's existence...especially women of the unshaven Latina variety...they may just as well be using the lemon or lime aroma as an attractant...a lure of sorts...like a bait pile for bugs...something to keep the flies from frolicking beneath the hem of their mini-mini-skirt...NO but seriously...this tidbit proves one thing to me that should be abundantly clear to the rest of you...THIS IS WHY WE HAVEN'T GRANTED YOU IDIOTS STATEHOOD YET..you're too damn dumb to be included in an already depleted genetic stew of stupidity...we have enough of your counterparts in the anti-intelligence community already on board...how can you expect us to take you seriously when this is your answer to a hangover...lemme tell ya somethin'...ya little Spanish speakin' ignorant islanders...if this method actually works to cure a hangover...you are doing something WRONG during the drinking process...or maybe that's it...hell IDK...i ain't gonna do the necessary research but perhaps lemon and lime juice creates a toxic reaction with underarm perspiration which ultimately results in a Tourettes type twitch of the arm one intends to use while drinkin...thus spillin more of said drink than actually imbibing...which still means you're doing it WRONG...ya know what cures a hangover...ABSTINENCE...how hard can that be to figure out...that's an answer that can only be determine on a personal basis...for some the first incident resulting in a hangover is also the last incident involving extreme levels of intoxication...for others the opposite is true...you wouldn't know what to make of it if they showed up sober...seems some among us are slower learners than others...thankfully the majority of them live on some pissed off little pebble in the sea...I'll tell ya...everybody has their own home remedy for curing the unwanted effects of a hangover...some people elect to have another drink to kick off the day...others will take a concoction of pain relievers like Tylenol or Bayer...some will lay in bed until such a time as returning to society becomes necessary...others use a method of praying which I NEVER quite understood...it normally begins before the passing out phase...somewhere around the...'hugging the porcelain podium for dear life' stage of the evening's events...lemon and lime wedges are not part of the praying ritual unless they were previously digested as part of the evenings alcoholic content...in which case they become readily visible during portions of the prayer recital process...and NOT generally from the rancid regions of the underarm odor emitters...they usually come dressed in technicolor...with vibrant displays of yellow, green and red...depending on recent dietary habits...I can't imagine the commercials they hafta come up with to promote this type of nonsense...or if they even do...but I do know this...the small minded constituents of the island of Puerto Rico are in desperate need of an Old Spice commercial...if you are goin' out to the bar...ya need a deodorant that allows you to believe in your SMELF!!!

DUN DUN DUN!!!

By age 60 most people have lost half their taste buds...

Just in case you're wonderin'...the title is the theme song from Law & Order...by age 60 most people have lost more than half their taste buds...they've lived more than half their life...lost most of their hair teeth...sense of sight...smell and taste...you could feed them Elmer's glue and they wouldn't know the difference...several of them are used as taste testers for the onions...apples and potatoes crowd...you remember those morons don'tcha...I wonder if most people over 60 realize that if they make it to 100 it isn't really gonna matter...I know quite a few people over 60 an I'd be surprised if they had a taste bud left on their textured leather tongue...I'm nowhere near 60 and I don't even care what food tastes like anymore...throw some Cajun spice concoction on that shit and throw it on a plate...bring the necessary hardware and lemme at it...most people over 60 are happy they're still being fed...they don't care what stuff tastes like either...you could give them turd covered tube socks simmered in a slow motion gristle gravy and they'd be just as gummily happy as a 10 month old teethin toddler with a face full of those terrible tastin' tan colored cookies...you guys think I'm kiddin'...take a look around today at lunch...there's gonna be those among you that can't chew mashed potatoes...let alone a hunk of beef or chicken...and they aren't gonna care...they're all full of smiles...bibs on...like lunchtime with Barney...that great big purple dinosaur with homosexual tendencies and devil worshipping cult followers...just a cheery buncha bobble heads havin that meal between breakfast and supper...good damn thing that taste buds aren't actually essential to eating...sure they make it a more appealing process but as you all know...if you blindfold yourselves and act completely ignorant about other things you've been taught...you can make any old piece of shit taste like a filet mignon...I wouldn't worry so much about the loss of taste buds...by the time your 60 there are far more problems present on your human shell than the absence of half your taste buds...for instance...emergency ear hair removal...what the hell makes people think this is socially acceptable...seriously...the only way ya shouldn't be able to see the entire ear is if it is covered by long hair...if your big old side head sound receptacles look like an overgrown Vietnamese jungle get yourself some f**kin' hedge trimmers for pete's sake...runnin' around here with neatly coiffed ear canals...you're supposed to hear outta the damn things...NOT trap small insects and unsuspecting birds who mistakenly took the material as a sign of possible nesting places...or how about the rediscovering of the waist line...what the hell is wrong with you people...and that's a generalization...I mean what the hell is wrong with you people between the ages of 12 and 25...and those of ya between 60 and 100...I mean when the hell did it become popular to go from wearing clothes that fit around your waist...to wearing clothes that sag around your knees...to wearin clothes that fit around your waist...to wearin' clothes that ya let rest just below the armpits... I mean damn...and let's not forget about the suddne bulky appearance of Depends undergarments and Granny panties...NOT too mention the crusty eye crap ya leave on your unshowered face before ya head out to scare the general public in the morning..or the ten pounds of misplaced make-up your poor eyesight is responsible for...yeah..I'd say taste bud depreciation is the least of your worries...I mean I can't stand the changes my own body is goin' thru at the ripe old age of mid-40's frontier...I've got facial forestry creepin outta my ear canals and it bothers the shit outta me...it's like the hairline is slippin'...NOT just receding...it's droppin down to my sound bouncers and crawlin outta my ears like some uncontrollable visible vinery...NEVER had this problem when I was younger...but then again I've worn my pants at the same height all my life...so maybe I didn't take the necessary knee wearin pants protection procedures to eliminate unearthly growth in my ear garden...and idk if it's just au naturel for other parts of the body to begin droopin' to levels that would make wearin my pants around my knees a little more breezy than I'm sure th bos would be happ with...or if that's a by-product of goin' Commando since I was old enough to decide I didn't like the tags in underwear anymore than I did on shirts...but the fact remains...those fellas are falling prey to the problems associated with gravity...if I lived in Ireland I'd need a dress instead of a kilt...and maybe some bagpipes of my own to prop the poor bastards up off the floor...oh you can go ahead and laugh til tears are rollin' out your eyes...I've seen some of those old tuck'em in titties you pre-grannies are sportin around...damn things look like a coupla over ripe honeydew melons in a sailors laundry sack...it's Tuesday folks...have a great day!!!

HOW ABOUT ANCIENTRY!!!

There is no leading cause of death for people who live past the age of 100...

...and in 3...2...1...WE'RE BACK...fresh off a fantastic game down at Comerica Park between the Yankees and Tigers...which even tho the 40,000+ faithful tried to secure a victory for the home team by paying off the umpiring crew...the Yankees eventually won...and I will admit here...as I did on my Facebook page...that I suffered a momentary episode of hypocrisy by attending aforementioned event dressed in a Tigers T-shirt while wholeheartedly cheering for my Yankees...hey I like both teams...but I like the Yankees more...it's like being married and having a girlfriend...you live with one...but ya spend what time ya can with the other when she is in town...now I know what you guys are thinkin'...what the hell does this hafta do with the tidbit???  Here we are 8 lines into this damn thing and he hasn't even mentioned a word about the tidbit...I did too...actually I said all that needed to be said in the title...and yes...ANCIENTRY is a made up word...I wouldn't call it a Dubya-ism so to speak...because in order for it to fall under that classification he'd hafta be able to pronunicifimicate it first...but seriously...if they haven't figured out what the hell is killing off our CENTURIONS...I'll bet I have a sneakin' suspicion...it might hafta do with the fact that their remaining body parts are failing at levels not seen since the OBAMA administration...NOT that old Fucktard Fred...that's gonna be my nickname for that shit stick ROMNEY if he buys the next administration...is gonna be any better but you get the picture...hell ya know what keeps people alive past the age of 100...avoiding hospitals and idiots with degrees they bought with their last bag of dog food...people that live past the age of 100 will all say the same thing to you..."Where am I?"...they haven't a clue they're still sucking up much needed oxygen and occupying valuable space...ya ever tried to have a conversation with someone past the age of 100...what the hell wouldja talk about...their childhood spent crawling from the cave...ya have nothin' in common...I can't believe these medical mental midgets of millennial mortals hasn't determined that natural causes...or functional failure of certain life providing features are the leading cause of death among people so old their skin looks like it's been stretched over a drum...ya know I'm not one to promote premature death...well yeah...actually I am...in rare cases...well in most cases...especially when it involves some magnificent moron from the halls of heresy found in the medical profession...but really...show of hands...who wants to live to be a 100 year old bib wearin'...denture dippin'...depends destroyin'...droolie...I sure as hell don't...lemme die some horrible death in some twisted Ancient Alien meets Sasquatch/UFO Hunters Paranormal Investigation gone seriously wrong...anything but making me live to be 100...unless of course immortality has been realized by then and 100 becomes the new terrible twos...in which case...TOGA...TOGA...TOGA...I'm all in...bed sheets and bed pans for everyone...we'll have Geritol/Viagra parties everyday and see who can stay standing without help for 4 hours...it'll be a blast...just think about it...hell by the time they're rollin' your dusty...flesh fallin' off your face..1000 year old...half mummified ass up and down the hallways of the local nursing home...sexy young nurses will be around 300...I'd say that's as sexually appealing as a condom full of box jellyfish and a 400 lb spandex wearin' Wal-martian woman...there may not be a leading cause of death established for feeble minded foot soldiers of...my-minds-so-far-away...but there is a leading cause of STUPIDITY...and it comes from reading NONSENSE in SCHOOL books...instead of thinking things through with enough logic to make a lemur look ludicrous...(and for those of you saying..."don't lemurs already look kinda ludicrous?")...that's the point...it wouldn't take much...but far too often it is the BOOK smart individual that is STREET stupid...they have very little hope of being successful members of society...they tend to be reclusive...collecting ignorant thoughts while attempting to dislodge their colostomy bags from their cranial cavities...people over 100 die because eventually...they don't WAKE UP anymore...it's a simple process dumbass...LIFE is a steady race from BIRTH to DEATH...there are no turn-arounds...ya live to be over 100...eventually you will take a nap and...BYE BYE BERTA...I suppose I might have a different outlook on the whole...hit the Century mark cult fantasy...if you could assure me I would be vital...lucid...with momentary episodes of instantaneous memory loss...just so I wouldn't hafta answer questions from dipshit employees of the old folks home I get left in...who somehow just happened to find themselves lucky enough to run across some of my earlier writings know around the internet as WWKS...I can just pick my ass through my diaper and fling shit like a monkey...scowl and make them go away...I pity those of you that have an angry old bastard like me for a client when that time comes...I'm not sayin' ya need to go out and kick the bucket today...all I'm sayin' is don't stick around so long ya drain the life outta others...ya know...I hafta point out another lesson lost from the animal kingdom...when we have animals or pets that are too old to enjoy quality of life...we have them...'put down'...but we keep our parents around so long they look like 'EDDIE'...from the Iron Maiden album covers...hideous beasts...scarin' the bejesus outta their own grandchildren...it's NO wonder half the kids these days grow up with fears and complexes...people that live past 100 don't scare me...it's those that are still drivin' that make my ass wanna pucker up and shit diamonds...have a great Monday!!!

AUTOMATIC KILLING MACHINES!!!

More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines...

...and the rest come up with dumb shit I use as fodder for my daily adventures down the tale telling lane we have all come to love and cherish...well the gifted few among the masses anyway...ya know how ya kill yourself with a vending machine???  By being 10X dumber than the vending machine...you have gotta be some new kinda ignorant to kill yourself with a vending machine...they're really very simple to use...you put your money in...you push a few buttons or slide a knob under your selection and pull...for those of you who haven't touched one of these things since the 1950's...as far as I can recall there have NEVER been any..."Kill me Imma dumbass"...options on a vending machine menu...ya know what really hasta chap their asses...they show up in the afterlife realizing..."I just killed myself over a F**KIN' candy bar..."  ya know where that gets ya...somewhere around the first ring of Hell...ya barely made it through the door...the only reason they letcha in is because ya killed somebody through your ignorant and abusive above ground actions...religious people don't kill themselves over a stuck candy bar so they don't hafta worry about it...it's those idiots that abuse their children and wives that end up dying from a vending machine...they lose control and start beating the shit outta the machine..trying to tip it to an angle that will cause the stuck product to release...little do they realize this method is going to be their ending...and rightfully so...when you beat up on inanimate objects...you show your level of absentelligence...(itsa new word...made it up just now...definition is the absence of any intellect or intelligence)...people that suffer from absentelligence often destroy material things during episodes of misplaced rage...in other words they're too stupid to realize that it themselves that they are upset with...they point fingers and blame on things that have NO possible opportunity to promote ill conceived ideas designed to complicate their simple processes and procedures...vending machines don't just stand around for decades waiting on some dummy to topple over on...NO they hafta be pushed...pulled...tipped and pounded on...they're kinda like trees...they'll stay where they are so long as somebody doesn't come along and try to move them without the proper tools...the only difference is they dispense food and soft drinks rather than leaves and nuts...how ridiculous do ya think it is for your grieving family members to hafta explain that your vending machine challenged ass died because a damn bag of $0.99 chips got stuck on the little twirly thing ina vending machine...and rather than make a simple phone call...or deposit another $1...you chose to verbally and physically attack the poor machine like it was some towel headed tourist with a bomb strapped to its chest...if ya can't tell I have no pity or compassion for these people...as a matter of fact I would just as soon run around this country and set these machines on such a drastic tilt that they have a greater potential for creating harm to anyone dumb enough to even approach them..this little tidbit...in my eyes..is a godsend...we need more moron killing vending machines if ya ask me...hell I can think of a few people I woulda personally lent a couple of dollars to had I known there was the potential for them NOT to come walkin back with their favorite snack or soda...these are the same people I've been screamin' about eliminating from the current gene pool...so here's the deal...I don't care who you are...or how broke I am...if you're the type to abuse inanimate objects of the vending machine sort...please...please...OH PLEASE...contact me first...I will take up collections to video tape your demise at your next purchasing platform...I don't know if there are any laws preventing the promotion of death by delivery from a vending machine...but if it means there are fewer among us who will pollute the next generation with assinine endeavors of getting a morsel of food to drop from a few dimes and quarters...then I'll carry the torch and find out for the rest of us just what the penalties are for successful attempts...I mean seriously...this is like some weird Redneck ritual gone wrong...instead of cow-tippin'...a virtually harmless sport...(Don't start with all that cruelty to animals PETA bullshit either...COWS are a food source...I'm pretty sure I've seen a few of them in vending machines myself)...compared to vendin machine-tippin'...which apparently kills off a few select shallow end swimmers from time to time...what the hell does the headstone for one of these idiots say..."Here lies Bill...who can no longer holler...he lost his damn life...for little more than a dollar"...I mean DAMN...I've lost money in a vending machine on occasion...I've even rocked a machine a coupla times to try and dislodge the desired product...but here's the thing...when dealing with inanimate objects that are extremely bulky...heavy and hard to maneuver...if you push them AWAY from you...they won't topple over and FALL on you...and if the product doesn't free itself from bondage and come skidding down to the drop tray for delivery once the machine has reached a 45 degree angle...it probably isn't gonna...and here's the real kick in the ass...ya ever heard that old sayin'...the early bird gets the worm...well the second mouse always gets the cheese...once you've successfully planted yourself beneath a vending machine...it will be the ones lifting the machine off of your dumb ass that are gonna profit from your failures...listen...it's really quite simple actually...if you have the penchant to pounce on your prey before you know if it's edible...or if you find yourself having heated conversations of an X-rated nature with things like vending machines..copiers...computers...vehicles...tools...or any other form of non-living entity...wear a DAMN helmet...if NOTHING else you will save yourself from becoming a Viral Video clip on YouTube...HAPPY HUMPDAY!!!

HAIR YE HAIR YE!!!

Blond beards grow faster than darker beards...

Yeah...because there are significantly more blond haired guys...then there are darker haired men...seriously...when did hair color become the factor in speed of growth???  I mean here we are in the 21st Century...and still there are those among us who haven't been killed off by doing something ridiculous or stupid...here's the thing...hair growth is determined by several factors...some of which are genetic...not too mention that men with blond hair seldom grow blond beards...they are almost always of a darker color...dumb ass...I swear...I have the same hair color as a lot of other black haired individuals...all of whom grow facial hair like they were spit out of some weird 1970's Afro-snatch...they shave at 5am and by noon they look like Bigfoot's half brother...all ya need to do is take a trip to Mancelona, Mi...birth place of the thickest carpet bearin sonsabitches on the planet...these things are non-gender specific at first site...half of them ya hafta shave from the forehead down just to find out what sex they are...and ain't a damn one of them blond...and to be honest...I looked through all the German WWII file photographs...NOT a single blond haired...blue-eyed...Dutch oven operator among the bunch...they all appeared to be incapable of even gluing on a patch of facial hair...I mean think about this folks...some guys have their body hair bleached...wouldn't ya think that would cause it to be closer to blond then to a darker shade???  And isn't the purpose of bleaching the hair to make it less noticeable...so wouldn't that kinda be defeating the purpose???  Women tend to do the same thing...have certain areas of the body bleached to dye the hair a lighter shade of blond...wouldn't they just be promoting an acreage of albino brillo pads...how about hairy sonsabitches grow beards faster than feminine featured fallopian failures...or guys that can't grow facial hair...I mean there are some women who need to shave the nether regions with a 15 blade Big Daddy John Deere Body razor...I mean DAMN...if ya ain't gonna shave it smooth...don't leave a landing strip with Sequoias...call in a lumberjack...get somebody to take a hack at it...go to a body hair removal salon...have it waxed...ripped...or electrocuted...do somethin'...ya gotta quit runnin' around lookin like ya have J.J from Good Times in a headlock between your thighs...that's just NOT right...and guys...if small children come up to you...turn to their parents and say...'Can I pet the Teddy Bear Momma PLEASE???'...that should send an alarming signal to your fur bearin follicle covered flesh bag...that you need to take some time with a trimmer...body hair in moderation is necessary...it isn't mandatory that you allow it to grow uncontrollably like some bad hybrid gardening experiment...you're gonna start having trouble findin a hose to water that thing before too long...ya can't keep passin' those ingrown hairs of as varicose veins...and for those of you dyin' your body hair blond to try and hide it...apparently you're DOIN' IT WRONG!!!  To be honest with ya...I don't get the whole waxing thing...STOP wastin' your money...all it does is pull out the hair by the roots...it still grows back...waxing costs what...maybe $50.00 a shot...do you know how mch duct tape you can buy for that...Do-It-Yourself home body hair removal kit...and guess what...it didn't cost you a dime...just a little time...to learn that little financial portfolio tippin' trick...there is just too much wrong with these scientific stooges of today...they conduct testing on the dumbest things under the sun...trillions of dollars dumped down the drain to try and prove a point...only to have it ripped...torn and shredded...by yours truly...for the cost of a computer and internet connection...people that believe this kinda stuff remind of the gullible chick on the State Farm State of Disbelief Commercial...which can be found on YouTube at the link below...

http://youtu.be/rmx4twCK3_I?hd=1 ...this little video says everything ya need to know about the information ya find on the internet...it isn't always trustworthy and true...the French Model you end up with might not even know what Bonjour means...I'll preach it until the day I die...think outside the box...don't believe everything that you are fed by the mass media...or the internet...and if the government has anything to say...just plug your ears like ya did when you were 3...and run around screamin...NA-NA-NA-NA-NA...just block it out...and if that doesn't work...dye your ear hair blond...it should grow into a nice patch of somethin that looks like Spider-man lost his load in your ear...but it should block out most of this nonsensical noise...and keep ya better informed thru readin'...which is somethin' too many of us do blindly and obediently as it is...at least with me ya know half of what I say is bullshit...mixed in with shit that could be relevant at some point in the future...like if blond hairy bastahds come back in style...then you'll want to invest in blond beard dye...but until such a time...Imma call BULLSHIT on this one...show of hands real quick...how many of ya showed up in a Toga for tuesday...that's what I thought...and that's why I have NO hope of ever seein' another rebellion in our country...NOT enough loyalty among followers...too many people wanna lead...trouble is they can't read a map...HAVE A HAPPY tuesday!!!

ANOTHER MANIC MAYAN MONDAY!!!

According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week...

...and what is TODAY???  Another Manic Mayan Monday...end of the world for someone today...do me a favor...try NOT and die from a Heart Attack today...cause each and every one of you that does...just serves to prove them right...and i really have NO doubt there is significant data to support this theory...it is the most stressful day of our weekly lives...it is the beginning of a long and arduous work week...the only time MONDAY is a good day is when it is included in a 3 day weekend...in which case TUESDAY becomes MONDAY's bitch...NOBODY likes Monday...ya either hafta get up and go to school...learn a buncha retarded shit that does ya absolutely NO good later in life or in the real world..or ya hafta get up and go to work...do a buncha shit that isn't gonna do a damn thing for ya later in life...or ya hafta go to the babysitter's which isn't gonna prepare ya for anything later in life...and ALL of that STARTS each and every MONDAY...and it's really too bad...because SUNDAY is actually the FIRST day of the week...doesn't make sense I know...you wouldn't think the first day of the week would be dedicated to drinkin' beer and watchin' Baseball...Football...or NASCAR...but it is...hell down south SUNDAY's are Redneck Holidays...especially for 36 weeks of the 52 week calendar...'Ain't nuthin' like some good ol' boys runnin' fast cars into concrete walls...I tell you what'...it just isn't fair I tell ya...confusing really when ya stop and think about it...our week begins during the weekEND...and folks I hate to hafta be the one to tell ya this...but NOT even I have the answer to that one...I've smoked enough medical marijuana to mummify a Bob Marley fan and I still can't figure that one out...what I wanna know is where did these German researchers conduct their study...because here's the thing...if memory serves...a different European study suggested that European people live longer healthier lives because of their taste for alcohol...a glass or two of wine or beer each day supposedly promotes healthier hearts and blood flow...so either they are lying...or too many of them are overdoing it on SUNDAY night...it is funny tho how are professional work weeks are broken up into 5 significant days...MONDAY...which we have already discussed as being the shittiest day of the week...especially if you've recently been a guinea pig in some form of German research...the next day that we single out is WEDNESDAY...affectionately known by many as 'Hump Day'...the middle of the week...the day that pushes us over the hill towards FRIDAY...the all time BEST day of the week...it kicks off the WEEKEND...tells us that we made it through one more tumultuous...tedious...task-filled week...and we deserve to relax and enjoy time to do other things...then there is SATURDAY...the 2nd most popular day of the week...it is the only real day we have off...we know there is all of SUNDAY...but that day has other obligations for many...church...house cleaning...yard work...planning for the week and preparing for that godawful MONDAY mornin'...the only two days that don't get any recognition are TUESDAY & THURSDAY...it's like we know they're there...we wade through them every week like we do all the other days...but we don't give them any respect...they're just like fluff days...something to fill space...NOBODY ever plans anything for a tuesday or thursday...hell even i won't capitalize them more than once...they're like the basthad step-children NOBODY wants...they're the un-nominated supporting actors for the WEEK...like extras that NOBODY recognizes...ya know like when you're watchin' a movie and your focus is on the main characters...you realize there are other people in the background..but ya NEVER pay attention to what they're doin'...they could be spankin' a ring tailed monkey with a meat clever...and NONE of us would catch it...well I might...if the first 5 minutes of the movie don't blow it by giving it all away...it's like if tuesday and thursday were dropped from the schedule...NOBODY would notice...they're like a skinny...freckle covered...red head kid with braces...you know who they are when ya pass them in the hall...but ya can't think of their name and ya NEVER invite them to just come hang out...they're like the Rodney Dangerfield of the work week...they NEVER get any RESPECT...and guess what tomorrow is...it's a tuesday...yay...can't wait...don't know what i would do without it...have one less day to muddle through...I tell ya...but maybe it is better to go unnoticed...rather than be ridiculed like MONDAY is...that damn day is like havin' a pimple right in the crevice of your ass...you know it's gonna hurt to get thru it...but ya go ahead and sit down anyway...maybe we should alter the schedule a little bit...everybody works a 4 day week then they get 3 days off...and we rotate personnel...so that everyone works a different schedule and all 7 days are covered...that way maybe all the days of the week will get their share of ridicule and notoriety...each and every week you'll have a different day that ya hate...and a different one that ya look forward to...co-workers will be forced to join little cliques in order to socialize with people form other walks of life that are on the same schedule...I know...most of ou are shakin' your damn heads...or SMDH...wonderin' why the hell I would suggest such a thing...because of the economic boom it would create...local bars and restaurants will see more business throughout the week...while still enjoying the abundance of WEEKEND guests...local commerce will also see a significant rise in business as people will be more apt to use their 3 days to get the things they need...probably sounds ridiculous...but it works...I've actually seen it in action...that was the lifestyle I enjoyed while employed in the Air Force...at least until the first Gulf War took place...then it was 12-16 hours a day...6 days a week...and on-call 7th day...which usually meant your ass was workin'...they just hadn't decided where yet...we didn't have the luxury of singling out a specific day for hatred or enjoyment...they were all treated equally...they ran together to the point ya didn't know what day it was...they all looked the same and tasted the same...dull...drab...extremely tedious...mind numbing...hell for all I know they were all MONDAY's...the only people unaffected by MONDAY's are the ones currently sitting around Capitol Hill...tryin to figure out how to give themselves another well deserved raise...with our money...or tryin' to figure out how to blow all the excess tax dollars they collect...they don't care what day of the week it is...apparently they weren't in class the day the teacher was giving the lesson on...'Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash'...and isn't that a real kick in the f**kin' teeth...let you or I write a check that we don't have funds for and see where that gets us...we aren't even allowed to get into debt categories in the 6 or 7 digit range...how many asshole suckin' zeroes do they have behind the first three numerals of our debt figure...enough to get locked up for at least a couple hundred life sentences...but here's the problem with this tidbit being released...it creates panic...much like the misinterpreting historians of the Mayan calendar malady...the more people that read this...the more people that will stress out over it...and as we all know...stress leads to heart disease...heart failure...heart attacks...strokes...hair loss in some cases...these things all need to be kept in mind...because the mind is the most powerful weapon we have...it is capable of creating health hazards as well as curing them...these German researchers may have NEVER even conducted a study at all...they might have just put this information out there in order to create the panic and stress needed to make it come true...remember now...these people gave us the NAZI's...a group of people so bent on world domination that they crafted some very wild experiments...brain melting mind tricks included...there are some of you reading this that know exactly what I am talking about...because you have a form of mental OCD...you catalog this type of information and spend the rest of your day tryin' to Google further information on the subject to see how you can prevent having a heart attack on MONDAY...worryin' about it to the point you have a mild stroke some time later this afternoon...some of you may even develop a heightened phobia of MONDAY's...choosing to spend the next 10 MONDAY's in bed tryin' to beat the odds...NOT realizing that by doing so you're actually doing more to make it probable than you are to prevent it...so RELAX...if you didn't wake up this mornin' feelin' like death warmed over...clutchin' at your chest...and gaspin' for breath...chances are you're gonna be just fine...unless you go out and have an artery cloggin...colostomy bag fillin'...lunch full of lard...in which case all bets are off...show a little respect tomorrow...show up in a toga...give tuesday a new reason to live!!!

INTELLIGENCE PERSONIFIED!!!

Sumerians believed the liver made blood and the heart was the center of thought...

And why is this even surprising...these were the most intelligent beings of the age...a civilization heralded as being the first known functioning society in existence...in other words...remember yesterday when we discussed the possibility of a distant race dropping us off on this planet as a wild experiment...only to come back and teach us to crawl from the caves...Sumerians were the ones that made it...Sasquatch were the ones that didn't...I hafta mention them only because they were part of the Ancient Aliens show I watched the other night on one of my favorite channels...some of these clowns actually believe that Squatches are alien life forms...capable of disappearing into thin air when viewed by regular humans...I hadta laugh because prior to the original Star Wars movie...this hairy assed intruder from outer space NEVER existed...George Lucas created Chewbacca as an extraterrestrial for a very profitable movie saga based on some books...I mean far be it from me to point out the obvious here...but if Squatches were actually aliens...I doubt very seriously there would be any doubt as to whether or not there was any anal probing abductions going on...anyway...back to our long lost simpletons...the Sumerians...early medicinal education being what it was...first creatures outta the cave...first creatures to carve open a deceased human being for further study...I can see where they might have made the mistakes of identifying the liver as the creator of blood for the body...and I can also see where they might mistake the heart as the center of thought...some of us still use our heart to do most of our thinking to this day and age...they are usually born with 2 lower appendages instead of 3 and they tend to be more emotional than those that pee standing up...don't ask...NOBODY knows why...that's like asking what happens after life...NOTHING!!!  Personally I don't care what the Sumerians believed about the human body...it's already been proven to be incorrect which means NO matter how much I pick it apart it isn't gonna change...we aren't gonna wake up tomorrow and realize significant changes with how our bodies work...what I will say is this...the Sumerian language is one that is very difficult to translate...their aren't any earlier recorded languages to use as a basis for deciphering the characters and symbols...I wouldn't doubt if a few words were actually misinterpreted...maybe this little tidbit of info was supposed to say that they believed the liver 'cleansed' the blood...instead of created it...maybe they also believed that human thought was centered around a persons heart in the metaphorical sense instead of literally...since it is human nature to have compassion for others...in certain circumstances...NOT always...but sometimes...in which case they would have been RIGHT on both counts and the idiot that wasted their career wrongfully translating an unknown language is an even bigger moron today...and if so...it kinda makes ya wonder what else they screwed up when deciphering the ancient tongues of early civilizations...for all we know the Mayan calendar could simply point to a period in time where the Earth will shift a little more on its axis and uncover hidden treasures with which we will be able to better understand our existence...what if all these ancient languages were interpreted by a member of the Bush family...can you imagine what we are in for...unheard of tales of our country hiding actual WMD's in massive underground launch facilities...hell we may even find out that Osama bin Laden isn't really dead...he's living comfortably on our tax dollars in some far corner of the world where he won't be seen or identified yet he has all the comforts of a Federal Penitentiary...maybe we'll actually find the only 4 black boxes from airplanes that are the only recorded ones in aviation history that couldn't be found or retrieved...we might even get lucky enough to find the cure for maladies such as cancer...or at the very least decide to let foreign medicine have a stab at it since they seem to have the upper hand in that area...I think what the Sumerians were trying to tell us is that we have the capacity to party like rock stars so long as we have compassion for our fellow man...but then again that could be this new batch of Casey Jones I just came across...and for those that don't know who...or what Casey Jones is...shame on you...I'm sure the Sumerians would approve...they were the early magicians of using medicinal herbs over modified machinery and pill producing companies!!!  Have a fabulous Friday folks!!!  Enjoy your weekend!!!  I told my Momma about this picture...I hafta share since it is so relevant to the discussion of marijuana and how harmful it is...the bottom caption...which may not be visible...says...CHAMPIONS DO!!!  If this isn't proof enough of how misguided our government official are...I don't know what is...STOP sending your kids to college...make them smoke weed when they are teenagers and then hock their Gold Medals when they surprise the global community with never before seen dominance in their preferred sport!!!