OH THE WONDERMENT OF WISODOM!!!

Leeches have 32 brains... 

...wouldn't it be nice if they shared a few with politicians...lawyers...doctors and scientists... think of where we would be today with all that wisdom shared among men...we would likely have actual facts NOT based on theories...remedies for ailments that didn't require guinea piggin humans to see if they work and what the long term effects were...we might actually have a judicial system that functioned in a quick and speedy fashion with no room for error ...appeals and tankers full of taxpaying dollars to fund it all...we could enjoy a society run by leaders with logic instead of suffering through societal stupidity...holy crap...it would be euphoric...a veritable buffet of things that don't include BULLSHIT...Idk about you folks but I'm to the point I would honestly give serious consideration to casting a vote for a leech if it were running for office...but seriously folks it isn't how many brains you have...it's how you USE what is at your disposal...leeches which are amoebic representations of their human equivalents...spineless creatures that do not want to be looked down upon yet haven't the intestinal fortitude to accept responsibility for their actions...they may have 31 more brains then their two legged counterparts but they don't use them anymore effectively...case in point leeches slither from one location to the next sucking the life out whatever host they find...a befitting description for politicians, lawyers, doctors and scientists...leeches really have no idea how they got here...or what their purpose is...neither do the previously mentioned professionals...leeches do very little of their own work...relying on the host body to provide...need I say more...is it any wonder then that these same professional career fields are often likened to "blood sucking leeches"...I'd say they have done everything in their power to live up to the persona applied to them...it's NOT as if they are being related to leeches because these creatures are highly intelligent and have enormous brain capacity...I mean you can learn more reading a box of Cracker Jacks than ya can from speaking with one of these geniuses...and don't get too laughin to loud or too quick because that says more about us than it does them...we have allowed the dumbest people on the planet to obtain the highest positions in humanity...world leaders...reputable resources...and the trickle down economics 'of ignorance' are the same as they were under Reagan...the dumbest make everyone around them dumber...these giants of the gene pool should have been swallowed...don't get me wrong there are a few new politicians making the scene who appear to be worth their salt in any given situation...Rand Paul is a force to be reckoned with...highly intelligent...or at least has speech writers that know how to do research...and he has SAND...which is what we need from our elected officials...he is NOT afraid to raise the voice of his constituents in the face of his peers in Congress...a trait they should all possess...unfortunately there are many more leeches than there are leech wranglers...which means that it will get worse before it ever gets better!

HI-YO SPAGHETTI-OH!!!

There are more than 1,750 "O's" in a 15-ounce can of Spaghetti’Os...

I wonder why that is...probably because the the f**kin name of the soup has the letter "O" in it...idk what's worse the normal bib drooling f**ktards we deal with daily or Captain Bob "I'll Be Damned" Obvious...now had this mad bastard of a genius postulated that there were 1,750 "W's" in any size can of Spaghetti'Os...I woulda hunted them down personally...backtracked their family tree...invented time travel...visited his grandpa in the past and cock shocked him with a branding iron to prevent this mud brained masturbator from ever being hatched...I'll bet the first words of wisdom ever spit out were..."There's lotsa light when it's sunny outside"...where do they breed these walking think tanks of common sense stuff...I mean seriously...I needa rum dummy like this to sit at my feet and feed me full of shit I coulda guessed by lookin' at the damn picture advertised on the product...how damn far under the rock are you livin' if you can;t figure out for yourself that Spaghetti-O's are gonna have a buncha f**kin' "O's" in them...guess what there's a buncha other letters in Alphabet soup...betcha didn't know that one know didja ol' foreseer of full flavored food groups...ya ever get the feeling you're the ONLY intelligent life in the universe...story of my life...I just got done doing my first online interview/webinar/power point presentation and some of the questions led me to believe that unless you draw very specific solid lines from one location to the next...people in general are ignorant enough to get completely lost...the presentation was in regards to the ammunition shortage here in this country and how ineffective guns are without it...the primary purpose was to drive listeners to the concept of learning how to reload ammo for themselves...I explained how it was my opinion the push for stricter gun control laws was NOTHING more than a clever disguise for the covert op of buying all the ammo..they don't care if you have guns...they just don't want you to use them for anything but a hammer...one of the questions posed wondered if the federal government would begin going after reloading equipment...(Shhhhhh...let it sink in a minute...let it stew and swirl around in the cranial kettle for a minute)...fortunately for me I am able to keep some of my inner thoughts from spilling forth orally during moments of public speaking...what I wanted to say and what I said were 2 totally different things...(thoughts running through my head: Somebody slap this idiots Momma...did I NOT just make it extremely clear how USELESS a GUN would be without AMMO???  Stands to reason that RELOADING EQUIPMENT would be just as USELESS without components like gunpowder and projectiles...) holy shit Sherlock...at the risk of sounding repetitively redundant (see what I did there) "No, they will NOT come after your reloading presses...they don't need them anymore than they do your guns...please do try and keep up there Gomer...we have a ton of shit to cover here and time is of the essence...it's amazing sometimes how unattentive people actually are...I'm telling people that manufactured ammo is almost non-existent and that reloading components are rapidly following suit...which is why I put together a manual on how to cast your own bullets and make gunpowder...I TOLD THEM THIS...and still someone asked what they should do since they can't find gunpowder and projectiles...(thoughts running through my head: "Consider substituting for an actual training target you walking waste of air sucking space"..."throw your gun at them and run...it's quite likely that's the ONLY time anyone will call you quick on your feet"..."how the hell were you the fastest swimmer being anchored by all that ignorance")...I have a new respect for inanimate objects like the alarm clock and how it must feel when it gets ignored or abused by its owner...poor lonely thing spends all day waiting for that one magical moment when it can sound the bells and WAKE someone up...ONLY to be smashed and bashed until it quiets down...it's like trying to use a bull horn if you have laryngitis...scream all ya want...NOBODY'S home or listenin...I smoke pot and I pick up on shit NOBODY else seems to discover...so either more of you need to get on the bong hittin' bandwagon...or I need to find a new planet to amuse myself with...LMAO!!!

THE SHADY BUNCH!!!

Here's the story of an ugly lady
Whose bullet proof 'do was void of curls
Infamous for telling nothing more than lies
Stay tuned as the next one unfurls

Here's a story, of a man named Barry
Who is busy destroying America all on his own
On Benghazi and now beloved Boston
This man has been left standing all alone

Till the one day when the bitch met the bastard
And they sat down secretly plotting over lunch
Then this group somehow formed a fascist front
That is how they became the Shady Bunch
The Shady Bunch

That's the way they all became the Shady Bunch
The Shady Bunch

I copied the pic...but I Yankoviced the lyrics myself Kevin Wixson

TASTY TOBACCO SUPPLEMENTS!!!

Smokers generally eat more sugar than non-smokers...

...this is one of those moments when someone found something online and took it completely out of context...smokers trying to quit an addictive habit generally eat more sugar than non-smokers...because they are trying to occupy their time and refrain from lighting up...now there are smokers such as the one pictured below who do not use savory supplements of the sugary variety in order to blow sweet smoke up your ass...

kinda looks like a poster boy for the Black Panthers or a Welcome Back Kotter reject don't he??? Little Barry in his Bomber's Jacket...posing for the camera's in what could easily be misconstrued as a photo of an African American anti-government white race hater...funny how his same administration now authorizes various government agencies to spy on people that are labeled in stereotypical fashion...I must say as an appreciator of intelligent linguistic monologues he does possess a far superior grasp of the English language than his predecessor...(who still causes me to try and push #1 for translation every time I see him speak)...but this guy's cognitive capacitor is just as corrupt and illogical as any of the Bush babies before him...here are a few examples of how Barry blows smoke in one direction while indisputably adhering to an entirely different set of principles...our chain smoking Commander in Chief has begged us as American citizens not to let the actions of a few radical Muslim terrorists serve as the basis by which we judge them all...yet he has NO problem using the actions of a few gun toting nut jobs to promote the need for stricter gun control...Barry wants all law abiding gun owners to submit to background checks...yet has done EVERYTHING in his power to prevent a personal background check on himself...how many of you have bothered to read the fine print of his much heralded Obamacare plan???  Are you aware that you NO longer have a voice in the debate over Pro Choice vs. Pro Life???  This little plan of his has restructured the funds necessary to carry out an abortion...these doctor's bills are now paid for with U.S. tax dollars...that's right folks...NO matter what your views on abortion are...if you pay taxes you may as well carry a baby tossing pitchfork in your back pocket...oh how sweet the smell of his tobacco tainted breath when it is blowing for winds of change he is unwilling to accept for himself...enough about that assbag...I didn't vote for him or anyone else for that matter...but I did originally have high hopes for the first African American President here in the United States...boy was I wrong...I've NEVER seen anyone systematically destroy 200+ years of hard work trying to reform a nation for the benefit of a specific ethnicity only to set that same group back centuries...smoking has become so taboo in this country that less than half a century ago we were witness to advertising campaigns that promoted smoking as a way to be kewl...be part of the "in" crowd...everyone smoked...Bogey smoked...The Duke smoked...if your ass was seen outside the house you had a cigarette in your mouth...30 years ago I was 15 and living in Hawai'i...I could buy cigarettes out of the back of a truck outside school and smoke off campus...the following year we moved back to the mainland...all the way to NC...the tobacco capital of the entire world...cigarettes were almost 75% cheaper to buy...I NEVER once got carded for buying cigarettes from the local gas station or convenience store...and the High School I went to had a "STUDENT SMOKING PATIO" on campus...located right outside the windows of the Teacher's cafeteria...you didn't need to be 18 to smoke on campus or carry tobacco products of any kind...you didn't need a permission slip from your parents...all you needed was a cigarette and something to light it with...about 15 years ago the Continental Smoking Shift began to take shape...advertisements for cigarettes were the first things to go...NO more billboards...NO more TV commercials...NO more radio ads...you were lucky if you had a sandwich board advertisement in your establishment...Smoking sections were instituted in restaurants...they branched off to all other public places where smoking was still allowed...some interior establishments banned them outright...then one of the most HYPOCRITICAL things to ever occur in a sporting industry took place...NASCAR racing...the illegitimate bastard afterbirth of the Prohibition Era...an industry born from the ashes of criminal activity to bootleg hooch during a time when alcohol was banned...dropped Winston as its major sponsor...it also banned tobacco companies of any kind from sponsoring any of the race teams...when you go to a NASCAR event today you can't even smoke in the stands...but you can buy beer...enter the modern day and some places on this planet have developed a better than God complex...making it illegal for you to smoke outdoors at all in any place deemed a public platform...it wouldn't be so bad if smoking was the ONLY industry affected by bans and policies and laws...but we see it every where we look...around every corner...a handful of people get a hair up their ass about something and we end up with some sort of ban for that product just to please them...whatever happened to common sense in this country...we are so ass backward in our logical thinking I could go on forever...if you do NOT smoke...and you do NOT like the smell of smoke or the harmful secondhand side effects of cigarette smoke...then by all means remove YOURSELF from the offending source...I don't like people that eat NOTHING but vegetables...who run around launching butt mudd marbles of methane gas...and act like their shit don't stink...but you don't see a nationwide push to ban vegetables from menus do ya...or to have special sections where Vegans can eat...NO because meat eaters have the common sense to get the f**k outta dodge before the foliage farts start flowing...if you do NOT like guns...or people that have them legally...then by all means move your ass to France or marry into a Native American tribe...NONE of those ethnicities know how to use them anyway...you will fit right in...if you do NOT like abortions or people that find them an acceptable means to an end...then do NOT vote for political power hungry pricks like the current POTUS...(ya know if ya took the TU outta that acronym it would fit better)...it's a simple process people...laws are by nature RESTRICTIVE...we have more laws in place than we do FREEDOMS...the original Bill of Rights contained 10...10 rights/freedoms/common sense RULES for us to live by...for us to be able to proclaim our nation as the ONLY self-governed country on Earth...10 rights...10 Commandments...it wasn't a coincidence...NOW we have 27 Amendments...the last 17 are NO longer necessary...they should be repealed...(I know there were a couple that directly applied to the abolition of slavery...WTFU we were all born into state and federal slavery... involuntary servitude...unless of course you get a thrill out of working your ass off and sending the government part of your paycheck)...and we have so many federal laws on the books that the Library of Congress has lost count...not to mention state laws in the same amount if not individually higher in some cases...I think George Carlin said it best..."rights aren't 'rights' if someone can take 'em away; they're privileges. That's all we have ever had in this country a Bill of Temporary Privileges. And if you read the news, even badly, you know that every year that list gets shorter and shorter"...

“The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government.” — Gaius Cornelius Tacitus (56-117) Roman orator, lawyer, senator and historian

Here's my plan...we should revert back to the original 10 Amendments and add an 11th..."Congress shall pass NO laws that affect citizens that they themselves are NOT willing to abide by and citizens shall abide by NO laws Congress passes and does NOT practice themselves"...we'll call it the Good For The Gander Amendment...I'll tell ya there are quite a few places I'd like to shove a lit cigarette right now...but I dare say the tobacco companies could ill afford an enormous depletion in stock of that nature...Have a great weekend!!!

OBSEITY EPIDEMIC!!!

Modern diets contain so many preservatives that dead human bodies do not deteriorate as quickly as they used to...

I have absolutely NO doubt whatsoever that this tidbit does contain some truth to it...it also contains some very revealing facts about people in general as well as the government agencies in place to protect the interests of the populace...for one there is NOTHING traditional about the modern diet...we as people...and especially as American citizens have been comforted and coddled for decades...this has spilled over into our food sources...decades ago your parents and grandparents grew their own food...harvested their own food...canned...dehydrated and stored their own food...from grains to goats they were self-reliant out of the necessity to survive...many of us today would be unable to SURVIVE an event such as the Great Depression...simply because we lack the knowledge to carry out many of these self-reliant tasks...if we can't find it on the store shelves it must NOT be meant for us to eat...people that live in concentrated areas of population...metropolitan regions...NYC...LA...Chicago to name a few...have absolutely NO idea what a farm animal or plant looks like...at least for the most part...unless they see pictures of it in a book... should these people ever find themselves in dire circumstances...they will starve and serve as road kill for rodents...another glaring fact found from this tidbit is that the FDA really doesn't give two shits about your health or well-being...it is a complex process carried out in conjunction with the major health heroes of our country...you can't operate a hospital at maximum efficiency if everyone on the planet is in good health...preservatives added to food generally have long term side effects for humans and are more than likely responsible for the significant increases in deadly diseases we are faced with today...cancers...YAY...itsa vicious cycle...the FDA approves the shit...sheeple eat the shit because its supposed to be good for you...you end up in the hospital...the hospitals and doctors profit from your presence and the FDA gets kickbacks from the major medical industry...I know...I know...some of you think I'm just blowing smoke...but I dare say statistics support this theory...people of the past lived longer and usually healthier lives than people do today...hell my own grandmother knew NOAH on a first name basis...claims to have stowed away for the 40 day voyage...and she canned enough of her own food that after she finally passed away we had a canned goods sale that's still going on...and she has been gone now for almost two years...now I don't currently subscribe to a grow it yourself lifestyle...ONLY because I do NOT have the land available to do so...but I do employ smart shopping exercises and purchase what I can from the local farmer's market when I can...it supports the local economy and it generally consists of organic supplies free from pesticides...now if you live in an area like Detroit this isn't something I would recommend...simply because many of the local farms around big cities are part of the commercial industry and their crops are sprayed with pesticides and pollutants as part of their agreement with the parent company...buying from them just cuts out the middle man at the canning company...it doesn't result in healthy organic supplements...get outside of the city...by a distance of at least two hours before you begin looking for a farmer's market to shop from...buy in bulk and can your own crap...it isn't a difficult process and storage is rather simple...if you fancy a feast at the fast food chain on a daily basis...BRAVO for you...archaeologists in the year 3575 will be able to unearth your carcass and discover all kinds of pertinent information regarding life back in the medieval times of the Information & Technology Age we live in today...while you may NOT be doing much for your own health and well-being...you should still be applauded and heralded for your futuristic foresight...think of where we would be right now if we weren't able to uncover remains of distant civilizations today...probably without a shit ton of misinformation...that's where...so you are doing your part to help future generations fail to come up with a logical explanation of how people lived in the past...that or you are just a lazy SOB with more money than you need...you should adopt Liberal principles and donate more money every tax year to help out all of the welfare recipients and illegal aliens your ilk deem acceptable...I used to eat that crap from fast food joints here and there but NOT anymore...I climbed into a vehicle one time...suffice to say owned by one of my offspring...and reached under the seat to search for a lighter that had dropped out of my pocket...I discovered a burger box among other things...I pulled it out of the way to continue my search...leaving the burger box on the floorboard across from me...when said offspring noticed the burger box they asked where I found that...when I explained it was under the seat...they proceeded to tell me they lost it 3-4 weeks ago and wondered where it went...they thought one of their friends had taken it as a joke on the night it went missing...I opened the burger box just to see if anyone had actually started eating it before stashing it in a secret location and forgetting about it...it had about 1/3 of it missing...bite marks in place...aside from that you woulda thought that damn thing was part of an exhibit at a wax museum...needless to say I very seldom even acknowledge fast food joints unless I am in an absolute rush for time and need something to prevent the onset of ill temper and mannerisms...I find it keeps me from going on a rampage and choking the shit out of those that deserve it...yes I probably have enough preservatives in me to add a few days to my underground shelf life...but that doesn't really matter to me...I plan on having a Viking funeral...NO I don't have any Nordic Heritage that I know of...Irish...German...Czech and Bohemian...so it's close enough...we came over on boats...I plan to leave on one...so for people like myself...eating fast food...or commercially grown foods groups packed with preservatives...the ensuing fire from the well placed flaming arrows should be quite a spectacle and burn well into the wee hours of the following morning...if NOT serve as an eternal floating flame configuration...gotta love living in the land of capitalism...all ya need to do is have enough financial folding paper to throw around in the right directions and you can get laws passed and programs for pesticides passed...I quit calling it money because it really has NO value...I know some of you think I'm just a screw loose citizen with an ingrown ass hair about the currency system we so faithfully follow...apparently I am NOT the ONLY one with a sense of humor about this subject...the Federal Reserve thinks paper money is such a joke they redesigned it with a secret color scheme...you can see comparisons in the picture below...

Still think itsa joke???  NOT very funny when the Federal Reserve has the same exact power entitled to the BANKER of a Monopoly Board game...if you read the rules of Monopoly...when the BANK runs out of money...the BANKER can manufacture more using strips of paper...and comparable colors to designate different denominations...I know this doesn't have much to do with preservatives in the modern diet as far as commercial food groups of the current era are concerned...but it sheds some light on how covertly revealing federal agencies...and those illegally associated with it (Federal Reserve) are and how they feel about the very people that remain silent and unconcerned about the systems they present as acceptable and plausible...this all paints a picture of a disaster in the making...they dumb us down and plant bad information in our heads to get us to BUY into the BS...most people in this country are completely out of tune with reality...they do NOT believe that this type of stuff happens here in America...WTFU people...America is often the shining example by which all other countries decide to follow suit...a lot of what we see around the world started here in America...yet we blame it on others because we are told to do so...do you think TERRORISM got its roots in the Middle East???  Obviously you didn't pay attention in US History class...prior to the Revolutionary War all combatants met on the battle field and fought in close quarters combat configurations...this has been well-documented throughout history...some were on horseback...some were stationary...and some were foot soldiers...but they all met on a field and battled until their was a decided Victor...during the Revolutionary War...American regimental troops and militias were formed among the citizenry...a NEW warrior was created...known as a Sniper...these were trained hunters and therefore sharp shooters...their primary function was to setup and shoot senior officers of the British Army...the thought was that if you got rid of the command structure the underling troops would run helter skelter for the nearest boat and head back to England...in other words they were to strike fear and TERROR into the hearts of the enemy by remaining unseen...yes modern terrorism...much like the modern diet...has undergone significant changes and advances...but they are both homegrown products of a different era...don't believe what they tell you...believe what they omit from telling you...it is often far more revealing!!!

SP...SP...SP...SP...OH HELL SPIT IT OUT!!!

The average talker sprays about 300 microscopic saliva droplets per minute, about 2.5 droplets per word....

I've no doubt that this tidbit holds some water...ya don't even hafta do a scientific study to determine how accurate the information is...you just need to stand in close proximity to someone orating to an audience...personally I believe this to be a small saliva shower situation if you are standing next to an average American citizen that has passed Elementary English...it grows exponentially when you apply it to being in the front of unaverage American citizens...for instance if you transition your position and end up in front of a pants around the patella patron...who is attending post Elementary level education but hasn't grasped the linguistic techniques to properly 'nunsheate' words...you may find yourself in need of a towel to trap and contain the excessive mouth moisture these morons mist their minions with...if you move down the evolutionary ladder and find yourself in the presence of an employee of the state run national media...you will find that they enunciate words correctly...they just don't ever get their facts straight the first time around...this leads one to require an umbrella for personal spittal protection...since there will be ongoing reports...retractions...updates...wash...rinse...repeat...it's a bathing experience in bullshit...if you step down another rung on the chatter ladder...you will com come upon the local politician...this group of saliva spraying shit for brains come from all four corners of the planet...they have dialects and ignorance to blame for their fire hose force of verbal flatulence...one may need to seek shelter in a hurricane shelter if the gas spewing from such a gullet of useless information begins to blow their hair back and cause mascara to run...one step lower on the rhetoric rung brings us to the federal level politician...these asshats have trouble reading teleprompters...so it stands to reason how abhorrently they have murdelated the language and spirit of the Constitution...when these anti-patriot elitists gather together in the halls of Congress...anyone in attendance should don a spit deflecting scuba suit slathered in baby oil...it is the ONLY way to wade through the bullshit and get to the bottom of things...at the lowest possible depths of the language ladder is the POTUS...past and present...the individual holding this position is NOTHING more than a misguided marionette ...a familiar face for sheeple to associate with...very few of them have ever had a sane... cognitive...logical thought flow through the frontal lobe of their follicle container...the people running for this position may or may not have a command of the English language...case in pointification...DUBYA couldn't spell "nucular" without a dictionary...ODRAMA can...but he hasta have someone whisper it in his ear...these people are by far the worst orators in the history of man...when they separate the rosy blossomed binding units of their vocal orifice and allow words to fall from it...one would be wise to seek asylum in a submarine...you need something with a thick hull capable of withstanding significant changes in atmospheric pressure...put it this way...you don't wanna be calling on NOAH to build you a bullshit proof boat...you'll undoubtedly drown before that Biblical figure bangs home the first nail...I haven't heard anything lucid come out of a President's mouth since Ronald Reagan...and he was a f**kin' actor...so it was probably scripted straight out of Hollywood...I mean the guy did have a bullet proof...wind tunnel tested hair style...I doubt very seriously he left his script writers back on the West coast...fortunately I have little to worry about when it comes to federal fumigation formats...if I wanna any lip off of them I can scrape it off my zipper!!!

THE FINE ART OF FIRE!!!

A perfectly clean fire produces almost no smoke. Smoke simply means that a fire is not burning properly and that bits of unburned material are escaping...

Really genius...so what you are telling me is that smoke is NOT a direct result of the fuel source  being used to keep said fire going...interesting...I must confess that is the single dumbest statement I have read in years...well ever since my favorite political puppet hung up his ears and went into hiding...if you start a fire using damp...moist or soaking wet wood...you will find that smoke is going to be a huge part of keeping that fire going...this smoke doesn't indicate that unburned material is floating away into the atmosphere...it means that FIRE...a naturally HOT element...is interacting negatively with the WATER...a naturally WET element...present in the wood...this generally produces smoke and steam which is inseparable and therefore will NOT condense and fall back into the fire snuffing it out...a perfectly clean fire of natural gas origins will produce no visible smoke...that does NOT mean that there aren't chemical elements rising from the flames and spreading into the surrounding environment...smoke is basically a gas and is a by-product of all FIRES...you CANNOT have one without the other...to prove this theory all one needs to understand is how backdraft works...when a contained environment becomes inundated with smoke...the smoke backs up and creates enormous pressure...(probably due to the expansion of gaseous elements within)...once access is gained to said environment...(kicking it in or smashing through an adjoining wall as in the case of firemen)...the smoke mixes with the influx of oxygen creating a highly combustible atmosphere...a single spark or flame present in the general vicinity is enough to cause an EXPLOSION...if smoke were simply 'unburned material' finding a way to escape it would settle on the floor and dissipate in a trapped environment and then be reabsorbed as fuel by the FIRE as it spread...holy fecal matter in the frontal lobe area...SMOKE can also be an early warning sign that FIRE is imminent...ever seen someone try to start a FIRE with a bow and drill...if they DON'T see SMOKE...they know they aren't going to have much success starting a FIRE...I have learned alotta bout FIRE here in the past few months...I can start a FIRE in a Force 5 Hurricane...and I carry ALL of the equipment to manufacture FIRE on my person EVERY SINGLE DAY...I can make a fire with a 9 volt battery and an old piece of steel wool...given enough time I could show you how to make a FIRE with a piece of ICE...SMOKE indicates that the process is working as expected and that the potential for FIRE is significantly greater than it was just mere moments ago...once I build a FIRE I am less concerned about the presence of SMOKE...the ONLY time SMOKE matters is when it is in a trapped environment...in which case it is highly toxic and often leads to IMMINENT death...the source of the fuel for the FIRE is what causes SMOKE or the apparent absence of SMOKE...drier and cleaner fuels still release toxic chemicals which form SMOKE...they appear less visible because they dissipate more rapidly than do sources that contain an excess of moisture...that's why you look for deadfall while you are out camping to start and keep a FIRE going...rather than cutting down live saplings or trees which would require an enormous heat source to dry them out and convert them into kindling...I can get a raging fire to burn properly and still produce an abundance of SMOKE...simply by adding some plastic or a tire to the mix...does that mean it isn't a clean FIRE or that it isn't burning properly...NO...it means that plastic and rubber have an adverse reaction when subjected to FIRE...ya ever cook food over an open flame...char a little animal flesh in the FIRE pit...gets a little SMOKY doesn't it...does it ever cause the FIRE to go out???  NOT if you know WTF you're doing...this flaming fart smeller knows more about BLOWING SMOKE than he does about FIRE!!!

ASTRO-CLIMATOLOGY 101

Winds on Saturn can reach speeds of 1,100 miles per hour...

That is interesting in so many ways I don't even know where to begin to start...I have so many ideas floating through my head it's gonna be one of those shootin' fish in a f**kin' barrel kinda days...so bear with me...funny how wind speeds on Saturn can reach 1100mph and yet all the ancient civilizations considered Mercury to be the fleet footed messenger of the gods...somebody missed an astronomy class...Saturn was a god of agriculture... liberation...and time...Father Time in other words...with little concern for speed...since he could adjust time to meet his needs...fast...slow...or at a standstill...that little morsel of interplanetary nomenclature for planets would therefore entice logical thinkers to postulate that perhaps the wind speeds are not actually in the 1100mph range but appear so due to the hastening of time ancient civilizations thought that planet was capable of...more than likely due to its elongated orbital flight path around the Solar system...unlike several of its astral neighbors that had a more concise and easier to document rising and setting during the seasonal changes here on Earth...NEXT...lemme point out what should be obvious to everyone with an IQ above the 2 digit middle identifier of the SSN...climatologists on this planet...Earth...the one we live on and are most familiar with...have a long lopsided history of F**KIN' up the weather report on a daily basis...and they have billion dollar instruments and equipment at their disposal...what does that tell us???  If they CANNOT accurately predict the weather here...how in the name of Uranus can you believe anything they have to say about wind speeds on Saturn...last I knew Voyager simply made an orbital pass...I do NOT recall it launching a spear shaped wind sock holding device into the soil of Saturn...the dumbest part of this equation is the definition of planetary wind...as in wind on every other planet but Earth...it is described as the outgassing of chemical elements from the atmosphere of said planet into outer space...outgassing...I like that...stellar flatulence in other words...the expelling of gases from the atmosphere to outer space...how the hell do you measure that through a telescope from trillions of miles away...especially when you can't even tell me what the hell is going on in the funnel cloud of a tornado with an accuracy...NEXT...the author assumes that Saturians operate much like Americans by thumbing their noses at the metric system which has been adopted by every other civilization on planet Earth...and more than likely the entire galaxy...what a shining example of how to be so full of yourself your head swells...I mean with wind speeds of that magnitude why NOT beef them up a bit by saying they reach staggering heights of 1770.278 kph...it's much more universally awe inspiring...NEXT...recent scientific shenanigans have made it possible for some in the less than accurate with information community hypothesize that the speed of light is NOT a known constant...since we base all other forms of speed off of this information...who truly knows what how fast planets pass gas into the vast reaches of outer space...these people are a step above Bigfoot Hunters but ONLY because they wasted enough money to get a degree in...IDKSHITOLOGY...they couldn't find their asses if they had maps to it printed on the palms of their hands...yet they can confidently proclaim wind speeds of other planets...don't get me wrong...there is a place for science within society...it is an educational format for discovery...but the bullshit meter for theories muddies the water of factual findings...to put it simply...if you can't show me a hang glider screaming blue mercy while soaring through the skies of Saturn strapped to a sheet being tossed around at 1100 mph...save your trumped up theories for the Weather Channel...I don't watch that shit...and NEVER will so long as I have the ability to cognitively recognize the view from my front window...moral of this story...there are idiots among us...and will continue to be until such a time as we collectively implement my selective gene pool screening certification system...people without proof for their theories are the biggest pollutants on this planet...and don't try to flip that around on me...I do NOT prove my theories because they more often than not incorporate logical thinking parameters that keep me from looking too damn mentally challenged to mount a thought worth mentioning!

ASIAN INSECT SUSHI

Termites will follow a line drawn by an ink pen...

 ...and who is the genius behind this little morsel of information???  Why it would appear as if it came from the honolabuh Kolean scilentist...a leal Einstein of his ela...Doctol of Maline Biorogy...Un Duh Da Seah...whose part time hobbies include...insectrah gatheling...to accomplish this feat the honolabuh doctol Seah uses Japanese Saki soaked sushi to att...att...att -lack (I think he means attract...not real sure...let's see where this goes)...telmites...(you can push #1 for English at anytime during this post...and I will fong you like the little hyper red-headed dude in A Knight's Tale...there will be pain...lots and lots of pain)...as you are all aware some sushit (and NO...that is not a typographical error...have you tried this stuff...it's like kim-chee and fish emulsion wrapped in seaweed that smells like soiled dirty diapers)...consists of squid...that ink emitting amazing creature of the oceans aquarium...so I believe what the narrator is attempting to suggest is that this discovery was made while the good doctol was disposing of his leftover lunch by an enormous termite hill...I could be wrong though...it isn't too farfetched to imagine this coming from one of our very own federally funded fiascoes...where they authorize triple digit millions to further study interesting concepts like...brain mapping...while simultaneously singing songs of sequestration from the political pulpit...prophesying the outcome of this disastrous plan before spending a single dollar...one would hope...pray or at least think you would want brain worth mapping prior to setting aside millions of taxpayer money for a project doomed for failure...am I the only one that sees the irony of this cesspool system...where cutbacks are somehow always replaced with additional exercises in unnecessary expenditures??? What the hell is going on in this country today...if you woulda told my Grandpa Rebec that the federal government was spending his hard earned taxpayer dollars to fund research to determine if termites would follow a line drawn by an ink pen...he woulda gladly grabbed that pen in both hands and drawn a line with it...from the floor through your asshole to such depths you'da sworn you were being invaded by a microscopic insect once the termites trickled across your teeth...I abhor how passive the population has become...I am just waiting for the day when they announce the results of the testing conducted to see if cops actually waste more time at donut shops...than they do harassing people because of their inferiority complex...but I will be honest with you...I am hoping that this tidbit is factual...not that I have any termites of my own that I want to train for the flea circus...but it has given me an interesting new idea that I may just market...of course I will hafta do some checking with the copyright and patent people to see if I can even pull this off...but hell it may just be worth the time and trouble...don't tell anyone but here's the plan...Imma invest my life savings in Bic...that's right...the pen manufacturer...they already have all the ink dispensing products one could ever need...one I have control of the company through share holding acquisitions...I am going to corner the market on the termite extermination industry...I'll use the valuable skills I obtained through door to door sales techniques working for the Kirby Company...and walk from house to house selling personal pocket termite protectors...f**k off it'sa new niche...don't criticize me...95% of people who read that tidbit at another site are going to believe it without batting an eyebrow...some of them are at home right this minute drawing exit ramps for the termites to vacate the property...why wouldn't I try and maximize potential and earn a profit...they buy that bullsh*t they'll buy my pens at a slightly higher markup...it's economics people...supply and demand...as I now own the pen producing plant...I control the supply and therefore the price...NO I didn't take a class in economics...open your eyes you play the game everyday...usually at a higher rate than you should...seriously...you laugh now...just wait and see...in the near future there will be KMW's handheld termite eradicating tools in every household...please don't ask for a discount...I can ill afford to support the dumb...if you are waiting for the products to come out...you obviously misunderstood the meaning of this paragraph of pancakes dripping with syrupy sarcasm...Have a Great Weekend!!!

THE DEPTH OF DARKNESS!!!

If you were born during the day, chances are you're a boy. If you were born at night, chances are you're a girl...

so sayeth the dipshit...so sayeth the mentally depraved...thus we must enjoy heated debate on this subject...listen if you were born during the day...chances are you have seen the light and are aware of all that is unsavory upon this Earth...if thoust was born at night...chances are you are still sitting around with your head up your ass listening to the natterings of those with an inherent lack of logical and cognitive thinking...I was born at night...and not just any night either...but Devil's Night...the darkest of nights if ever there were such a thing...and I am neither ignorant...nor do I require sitting for the purpose of vacating liquid waste water from my bowels...coincidentally my daughter was born during the day...and my sons at night...and while I view many of the things they do as assinine and ridiculous...they are far from ignorant...perhaps not as street wise as I would prefer...but book smart to beat the band...could they brawl their way out of a street fight like their old man was fond of doing back in his day...probably not...but there are sacrifices we make when raising our children and I do not regret a one of them...well I take that back...I'm really not fond of being stuck in Northern Michigan...but that is of my own damn doing and I'd rather not get side-tracked into relating that episode in ignorance...suffice to say I have learned from my mistakes and with a "do over" button I woulda moved an equatorial sand strewn beach environment before raising kids...(note to self...if reincarnation is proven to be an actual commodity associated with the afterlife...come back as a permanent resident of a sun soaked seaside society)... now I could be way out in left field here...but if memory serves...and that's a big f**kin' IF these days...(I got Momma visiting www.i-got-the-heimers.com on a daily basis...and it may not be long before I am waiting on site before she gets outta bed and does her daily duties...p.s. go ahead and click on the link it actually works)...I seem to recall from science class that the sex of a baby was determined by something other than the abundance of light...or lack thereof...I believe it was chromosomal in nature...something to do with the genetics of the couple having intercourse...in conjunction with fast moving semen swimmers ...or as I like to call them...egg penetrating penis projectiles...while most infants are conceived during the absence of light...it is not unheard of for barren female fallopian tubes to suddenly secrete ovum while the sun is shining..as a matter of fact...if historical data from the '60's is accurate...there was an enormous amount of free love that resulted in fertility functioning as it should...taking place during the hours of daylight...in public places no less...ya damn hypocritical heathens...it was alright to sink the pink in a park back in your day...with the whole world watching...but good lord don't abide by it now...your children would be corrupted by sexual practices opened to all of society...and if ya buy into that bullshit I have an overload of porn statistics I could throw your way that seem to indicate those you were aiming to protect...are keeping their habits hidden...not because they are embarrassed...but because you would be...I do not visit porn sites...NEVER have...but if I did...I would be hard pressed to determine how in the hell people get into half those positions...I mean far be it from me to point fingers and ridicule...but is that expression of agony...the ball gag...handcuffs...whips...chains...titty tuggers...and penis ring really necessary...that looks more painful than pleasurable...you might be doing something wrong...I mean if that's what you are into...then by all means do NOT let me dissuade you...especially if it's my number you are calling as a potential partner...I would be curious to learn the fine art of fascistic fornication forums...I may be slightly out of it or completely unconscious after it...but I am all about providing others with pleasure...even if it means sacrificing my perspective on pleasure punching the pouty parts of the female body...judge me all you want...I told you I was born on the darkest night at the beginning of this blog...if that wasn't enough of a forewarning you haven't been reading here for very long...was it Richard Pryor who said..."Snort some Coke in a pile"...or am I confusing that with Bill Cosby saying..."Have a Coke and a smile"...either way you get the idea...if you were offended... relax..chances are I wasn't referring to you...(unless of course this is your personal f**king forte...in which case requests for my personal number can be directed to the comments section of this blog and will be replied to if photographic evidence of a revealing nature is attached)...aren't you glad you stopped by today...beats the hell out of a lukewarm cup of coffee to get ya going in the morning...doesn't it???

ALMS...ALMS FOR THE BLIND...ALMS!!!

More employees are injured in the meat packing industry than any other line of work...

Why do I not find this hard to believe...I mean every male that attains the age of 10 knows that merely touching the middle appendage of the meat sac can lead to blindness...and you ladies wonder why we won't STOP and ask for directions...we can't see in the first place...how the hell do you think we ended up lost anyways...(honestly I must confess I was absolutely thrilled to find out that wasn't true...I couldn't figure out how I was gonna tell my folks that I had suddenly lost my eye sight due to an accidental brushing with the beaver beater)...aside from blindness meat packing pud pullers must also be concerned with the possibility of contracting CTS (Can't Touch Shit...aka Carpel Tunnel Syndrome)...what is it with those pansy ass people that get carpel tunnel syndrome and act as if the world is ending...I mean seriously...they act as if anything heavier than a fart in the wind is going to cause them immense pain...CTS can be a very revealing issue associated with the flesh flute fondlers all over the world...especially if it is ONLY evident in the dominant appendage...there is a simple solution to this situation however...I learned it way back in the day by watching the WWF...and applying a "tag team" format for my methods of manual manipulation...one eyed worm wrestling wranglers also need to be worried about the onset of the dreaded..."tennis elbow"...a misnomer if ever there was one...how about we just call it what it is..."Jack-off Junction Degeneration"...listen folks...if a male member in your family is walking around the house with one forearm looking like Popeye popped a few cans of steroid spinach and the other looking like a vegan would mistake it for an edible vine...Jack-off Junction Degeneration is the least of your concerns...that guy is gonna need some serious..."Shuffle Pump Reconstructive Surgery"...there are signs to look for my friends...if you're husband/boyfriend/f**kbuddy spends so much time in the bathroom it seems like a WWII reinforced beach bunker...they have some serious issues in the sexual depravity department...if your person of significant interest plays pocket pool better than Paul Newman in The Color of Money...chances are he is chalking his cue in public every chance he gets...if your bed buddy comes walking out of the water closet looking like the modern day equivalent of Aqua-man with webbing between his fingers and toes...I dare say he has invented his own form of Gorilla Glue...watch out for shiny spots on the sheets they quickly morph into sticky substances similar to Super Glue...another sure sign that someone is headed for a major catastrophe of the trouser trout variety is if they seem to run out of socks long before the rest of their clothes...filthy bastards we are...letting little Sammy the Spelunker spit all over the soiled shin sheets we place over our feet...personally I don't punish the pope as much as I used to...I hire handmaidens for that...I'm either too busy or too lazy to do it myself...haven't decided which...but I must admit...it is much easier to clean up if you don't use your own hands...oh shit...here I am...rambling on and on about playing with peckers and you were waiting on a meat packing piece...funny...I wish I had a video camera so I could watch all of you try to find signs of self-satisfaction with your spouses this weekend...what fun what fun!!!

BLUE-EYED BEER BELLIES!!!

Blue-eyed people have a higher alcohol tolerance...

...utterly and profoundly ridiculous...assuming that eye color has any bearing on alcohol tolerance...I have blue eyes and while I am quite capable of diving head first into a binge I dare say my tolerance and taste for alcohol is NOT what it once was...I enjoy a beer here and there...maybe a shot of some foreign happy hooch on occasion...but sitting around drowning my sorrows in a bottomless beverage container is NOT high on my list of things to accomplish today...tomorrow...or for the foreseeable future...it's too bad that I and my blue-eyed brothers and sisters do NOT possess an abundance of patience...or tolerance for stupidity...it would make life easier on mental munchkins like the one that proposed this asshat idea...WTF is it with people today...how hard is it to think for yourself...I mean holy sh*t folks...there's an overload of ignorance taking place here in America...has been almost since history misinformed us that Columbus was the first to skirt the shores of this continent...and it starts at the earliest of ages...I mean who reading this was NOT educated in US History while in their formative years??? Ask any average sponge sucking citizen "Who discovered America?"...and 90% of the time the answer is gonna be 'Columbus did in 1492'...really??? So the indigenous tribal people of native American descent...where did they come from again??? If they didn't somehow 'discover' this place before Columbus...how the hell did they get here just ahead of him...were they in the water swimming and towing the boats behind them...NO...everywhere I look there are inconsistencies in information...politicians would have you believe that the 1st Amendment protects "free speech"...to include the disbursal of info on the internet...a technology they couldn't possibly have envisioned 200+ years ago...yet these same mental equivalents of political pocket lint would have you believe that the very next clause of the Constitution...the 2nd Amendment...only applies to muskets...because our forefathers couldn't possibly have envisioned the advances in firearms manufacturing technology that would be prevalent some 200+ years later...I wake up most mornings wanting to shoot people in the forehead with a common sense cannon...blue-eyed people have a higher tolerance for alcohol indeed...a person's level of tolerance for alcohol is directly associated with the amount they imbibe on a daily basis in an escalating fashion...I know blind people that can chemically corrupt themselves with far greater passion and purpose than I myself ever dreamed of being able to achieve...one of the largest concentrations of stereotyped alcoholics happens to be our native American brothers...it has been well-documented throughout history their penchant for 'fire water'...hell they took the guns we gave them and traded them for booze...making them easy targets for atrocities and relocation...and yet very few...if any full blooded native Americans have a blue hue in their optical receptors...NOW...maybe if you were born and raised on some Nordic ice field you might make the assumption that those blue-eyed...blond haired pre-nazi's were more capable of tolerating alcohol...but if that were the case I dare say WWII on the European front would have been much easier to win...drop a few barrels of spirited beverages among Hitler's henchmen and wait for them to sleep it off...and what is alcohol tolerance anyway...when you tolerate something you endure it...you put up with it...you deal with it even though every fiber of your being suggests it would be far better off to just abolish the object...substance...or what have you...take me for example...I have an extremely low threshold of tolerance for idiots and ignorance...ask anyone that knows me personally...I do NOT sugarcoat my feelings regarding f**ktards...I've no use for them and find them repulsive...mind numbing meat sacks that are doing NOTHING more than sucking up more oxygen than is needed...they are the primary suspect in any global warming theory I subscribe to...without these air gobbling ass wipes the Earth would be more capable of correcting any harmful affects associated with greenhouse gases...blue eyed and beer bellied my ass...blue eyed bullshit burial artist is more like it!!!

HOME...HOME ON THE STRANGE!!!

It is illegal to get fish drunk in Oklahoma....

ya know I hafta laugh when I see laws of this nature...I hafta sit back and wonder to myself... what caused the legislature in Oklahoma to pass such a bill into law...were there an abundance of idiot Oklahomans runnin around grabbin up fish and forcing them to drink alcohol...was it considered a right of passage such as cow-tipping...or ring-n-run...prank phone calls and stuff of that sort...or has the legislative body in Oklahoma been secretly keeping tabs on yours truly and his blog entries...finally coming to the conclusion they would not support ridiculous scientific studies of the effects of alcohol on fish??? Or perhaps this tidbit holds a grammatical error...the addition of a word that does not appear in the actual letter of the law...see if we remove the word "get" from the sentence above...the law would then make a little more sense...or if you remove the word "fish" then one could see where the law might be on the books in dry counties around the kingdom of Oklahoma...and to be honest with ya I don't really understand this law...fishing and drinking go hand in hand in the southern states...how do ya think we come across all those stories that begin with..."Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." we rely on the inherent abilities of hillbillies and rednecks to provide us with the humor needed to get by in our otherwise mundane daily lives...hell it happens even up here in the great white tundra of northern Michigan...why I have relatives who are locally famous for their expeditions during hunting and fishing seasons...NOT because they land the biggest trophy animals and fish for the year...but because of the things they BUILD to accomplish such tasks...one of my Uncles erected an aerial hunting blind that has been mistaken...on more than one occasion...for a DNR Forest Ranger lookout tower...this thing is so enormous it can be seen from satellites circling overhead...hell you can probably find it on Google maps...the platform for this hunting haven breaks through low lying cloud cover...suffice to say that hunting from said high rise hacienda requires the intricate knowledge and abilities more commonly associated with snipers...you hafta be able to read and adjust for windage... the coriolis effect...spin drift and bullet drop...hell with the right magnification you can hunt the shores of Wisconsin from this thing...and they didn't STOP there...another of my relatives...from the same lineage mind you...constructed a pontoon boat that one could ONLY liken to the missing artifact from the show Beverly Hillbillies...a double decker flotation device complete with hammocks and enough added weight...just launching this thing into the water without tipping it over or sinking it was a challenge that shoulda been annotated in one of the Guinness Book of World Records...amazing feats of ingenuity...perhaps...I often wait to hear what they are going to do next...because NOTHING beats walking around a small town having the familiar associates of the village stop you on the street and begin a conversation with..."Hey did you see what your (insert family member here) did?"...It is the highlight of my afternoon...but seriously...I am NOT above my blood sharing relatives...for I also do things that would probably make entertaining YouTube videos if NOTHING else...and often without taking the time to consider what might happen...the difference is I do them on a small enough scale as to remain unnoticed by the surrounding community...why just the other day I found myself standing outside with an ice hoe trying to knock 6" thick sections of ice from the roof of my house that were overhanging the eave by about a foot...NOTHING wrong with that right??? Until you realize you are standing there in a pair of Joe Boxer sleeping shorts and a pair of flip flops...NOT the best attire to make a rapid get-away from aforementioned sheets of falling ice...thankfully I was able to escape any serious injury...personally I don't see the problem with getting fish drunk...I mean it's completely up to you...but there are easier ways to marinate fish in an alcoholic concoction...without appearing dumber than the fish itself...there's probably even a few recipes you could find on the internet...you know that funny little TV looking thing you can't figure out how to use because it doesn't have a fish finder on it...that nifty little device could save you some embarrassment on your next outdoor endeavors...I suggest getting a third grader to help you navigate one of these technological tools...they appear to have the upper hand in the intelligence of the internet marketplace...I swear...each and every damn day I grow to abhor the assinine advances of technology...I mean seriously...isn't the whole purpose of these damn things to make life easier...I can't even use photoshop anymore because every time they come out with an upgrade half the shit you were used to now requires 40 more steps to accomplish...I woulda thought by now the damn things would be able to read your thoughts and respond accordingly...and don't even get me started on Search Engines...what a crock of shit...who was the illegitimate prodigy that came up with these godawful contraptions...how damn hard can it be to give me results pages with the EXACT WORD FOR WORD SEARCH CRITERIA I ENTERED???  When I type in "Northern Michigan Redneck Inventions"...why does the first results page contain a laundry list of pages with those 4 words listed anywhere within the website...such as a listing titled "How gods come to be" with a snippet that informs me the page contains "Neo-American Redneck Buddhist; Location: Frozen Northern Michigan near Thunder Bay...invention is one of the later stages of creation"...is that what the hell I was looking for...there should be maybe 3 pages total listed on the return...we don't have an abundance of inbred redneck hillbillies up here...why would we need 400 pages of results that have NOTHING to do with the original search criteria...and the problem isn't just with major search engines...for my job I hafta scour free photo websites to find images to attach to the things I write or edit for others...for the love of god...when I type in a specific search criteria give me what the hell I want...even YouTube...good lord...I know the name of the band...I know the name of the song...when I enter it into the search window...what on Earth pray tell...sends the signal that I want to see EACH AND EVERY damn video copied...with a shaky...grainy replication of the original video...recorded with a piece of shit camera from a 90's style cell phone...give me the damn original video...the one shot for the song...by the band...recorded by a professional...if I wanted to listen to crappy replications of the original I would have asked for them in the first place...it can't be that difficult...I enter KEYWORDS in a specific order..return results of the same description...when I go to a big box store and cannot find what I am looking for...I approach a representative of said establishment...I then politely ask them if they could point me in the direction of said desired item...for instance..."Excuse me ma'am...could you please tell me where I might be able to locate a copy of the DVD "Sleeping With The Enemy?"...do you think for one minute they drag me to the bedding department...or to the gun section of the sporting goods section...NO...because that is NOT what I am after...the same should apply to operating effectively in the realm of cyberspace...and here's the rub...IDK when this law was passed in the fabulous free wheeling fish intoxicating environs of Oklahoma...but apparently it was prior to the invention of the internet...since the most relevant answers received during research indicate that the majority of fish found on the planet are incapable of getting drunk...the introduction of alcohol...it would appear...has a highly lethal effect on the fish found on this planet...it KILLS them...at least according to most of the accounts I spent less than 30 seconds reading...which...if I am NOT mistaken seems to be the end result of undertaking a fishing expedition in the first damn place...because lemme tell you...this whole catch and release philosophy is just retarded...it's like going to the damn grocery store...loading a shopping cart full of products...standing in line for hours at checkout...paying for all items...then spending the rest of the afternoon running around the store placing everything back in it's proper place on the shelf...the whole catch and release concept derived from piss poor fishermen relating stories of the monster they caught and returned to the deep...perhaps the patrons of Oklahoma need to brush up on their biblical studies...as it would appear that Jesus himself was fond of converting water into wine and having fishes and loaves night...stands to reason he was wise to the demise of getting fish drunk!!!

PSYCHOTIC SLURPIES!!!

People with mental disorders such as psychoses rarely yawn... 

That's probably due to the fact that you can't yawn while drooling all over yourself...ya know I am often amazed at the aspects of an issue people find fascinating enough to put out as factual tidbit evidence...now I ain't sure bout the rest of y'all...but I seldom give a shit if the psycho I am staring at yawns...my attention has been drawn to them because they pose the potential to back a screw out and flip shit without forewarning...very seldom do I sit in silent observation of that big sumbitch over in the corner with the scar running thru his eye and down his cheek to see if he is tired or lacking oxygen...NO...my main concern is monitoring his movements...is he sitting there plotting revenge on his treasonous lover and her new bed buddy??? I'm fine with that...his focus is occupied elsewhere and I need not be worried about what else he is doing that day...is he sitting there hating life and everyone in it...silently plotting his 15 minutes of fame on national TV because his Momma didn't pay enough attention to him when he was young??? Well then I am placing myself and those with me near the closest possible exit...when his eyes cross...snot flies from his nose and steam erupts from his ear sockets...I'm GTFOD (Gettin' the F**k Outta Dodge) before anyone else in the general vicinity...I'm runnin until my shoes sport holes in the soles my friends...screw stickin' around to be interviewed...I view psychotic sumbitches the same way I do bears...it is NOT necessary for me to outrun the bear...just everyone else in the immediate area...let those slow of feet be the snacks...save your ass and live to fight another day...now I know that NOT everyone with a mental disorder has a form of psychosis...and let's be honest...everyone on this planet...at this juncture of human history has some form of psychosis...and most of us yawn...(I know what you're thinking...but Kevin...I have NO mental disorders...how unjust of you to stereotype me as such)...and if that did actually run through your mind...it proves my point...that you do INDEED have some form of psychosis...people with mental disorders do NOT realize they have them...at least for the most part...they think like you do...that EVERYTHING they do is NORMAL...and that the rest of the world is suffering from some sort of delusional drama...ask yourself a few test questions...Have I ever done anything in life that was so embarrassingly stupid I wanted to keep it to myself or at least as secret as possible??? Do I consider myself closer to the level of genius than I do those around me??? Do people often invite me out to social events because of the stories involving my name the following day??? See the thing is what one person may consider to be a mental disorder...another might consider normal or above average in the areas of intelligence...we can't all be right...and in many cases the fine line between being dubbed a drool bucket or a genius is so thin tachyons have trouble landing on it...in my opinion the number one cause of mental disorders in America is mass media and their myriad of misinformation...and when you throw technology into the mix you get a very clear picture of just how DUMB we have become...I mean holy crap...kids these days are being programmed to think as they are told...rather than being instructed on the beauty of thinking for themselves...I am ashamed of myself for allowing my children to be schooled in the fine art of collective conscious think tank formats...such as those found in public schools...I am appalled at the fact that every organization that has a hand in being part of the big picture in government informs our future generations that all the answers to life's little questions can be found on the internet...if the entire World Wide Web crashed tomorrow and had NO hope of being brought back online...you and I are going to find our homes filled with our own adult kids who CANNOT function because Facebook and Google are gone...what this nation needs is future generations full of ship righting boat rockers...such as those from my Momma's generation back in the heyday of the 60's...those people rallied and protested across the nation for their freedoms and beliefs...they didn't sit glued to a computer screen waiting for the next Top Story to post on some damn social network...yes technology has it's place but if you do NOT integrate it with common sense and the ability to think for yourself...then your kids are likely to become part of the OBESITY EPIDEMIC...NOBODY these days wants to go against the status quo...primarily because they FEAR the big brother format of federal government...they will be judged as mentally defective and possibly placed in restraint and shipped off to a holding cell to await sentencing to a mental institute...they fear repercussions against themselves or their families...they fear being investigated by the FBI...and I'll bet you and yours are included in one or more of these categories...and that my friends is the biggest form of mental disorder on the planet...it isn't the children born with a dysfunction or disease...it's you and I and our dumbed down mentality regarding how we are being trained to OBEY EVERYTHING THEY SAY WITHOUT RAISING A SINGLE QUESTION!!!  Enjoy the video and have a great weekend!!!

PUSSY PATROL!!!

In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light...

And what purpose would this little tail attaching device have???  Have you ever seen a cat run down the street in the same direction as the normal traffic flow???  NO...cat's run across the road...showing a profile of their bodies which...when viewed would NOT alert an onlooker as to the nifty little lite swinging from their posterior parts...does Colorado have a problem with cats breaking down in lanes of traffic all over the state???  Doubtful...cats do not require ethanol or under the hood automotive maintenance...and why oh why...please tell me why...a tail light is necessary...but head lamps and turn signals are not...I mean...in order to put a law of this nature on the books...somebody in that great state had to envision cats crowding the streets of the cities and towns...stands to reason you would want them to abide by all traffic related laws...is the light supposed to help you find your cat at night when it doesn't come home??? If so...here's a little clue for the would be residential cat hunters of Colorado...CATS by nature are curious...they are investigative...they are free spirits that depend on you for very little of their everyday needs...they come and go as they please...and NO matter how long and hard you look for them...or how loud you holler their names through the midnight air...they will return when they see fit...tail light or NOT...maybe it has to do with the relaxed marijuana laws they recently passed...trust me NOTHING beats seeing a flashing light signalling an approaching pussy...at least for most potheads...since they are too lazy to go out and find any for themselves...I love the wording of this tidbit..."If loose"...how many half witted wombats are running the show over there in Colorado???  Where is it normal to tie your cat out on a leash in this country??? And you also notice there is no time differential stipulated...so your free spirited feline hasta have a tail light on even in broad daylight...how ridiculous is that??? What is most interesting is the fact that there appears to be NO stipulation requiring said tail light attachment to be in proper working order...just that one hasta be in place...kinda reminds me of our friends to the north in Canada...don't hafta have a UFO...just a launching pad or landing strip...in case one appears...utterly and completely f**ktarded...I have a distinct feeling that this law was passed through the continuous efforts of an Asian-American lobbyist with a vested interest in Oriental restaurants within the state...perhaps to make it easier for them to target tasty entree material due to their inherent squinting and lack of round eye sight...I could be wrong...but having visited my fair share of Chinese eating establishments...I dare say there aren't that many ways to cook chicken...NOR are there enough chickens on Earth to supplement the needs of these palatable palaces...so half that shit is either cat...dog...or rat...especially those fancy little Teriyaki Chicken kabob lookin' things...PLEASE...chicken does NOT look like that...beheaded...de-limbed rat bodies on the other hand seem to fit perfectly with the features of this delicacy...considering that Colorado is a hotbed of news worthy material as of late...beginning with Columbine several years ago...theater shootings...relaxed marijuana laws...and stricter gun control...I am pretty damn sure I want ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with that state...I mean who in their right mind wants to move to an area where law abiding citizens are stripped of their right to protect themselves...raging lunatics slaughter innocent civilians...and recreational marijuana users chase tail lights on cats for fun...since cow tipping has probably been outlawed...hell the ONLY commodity they have left is SNOW...and I am the world's largest opponent of populating snow covered regions of the world...so IMLTHO (In My Less Than Humble Opinion)...we could drop a star from the flag and let those floaties see if they can gain access to Canada as another province for all I care...what a catastrophic model of incompetence!!!

PHYSICALLY PHAILING!!!

Thirty Thousand Americans are injured every year by exercise equipment...

That's right folks...over 30,000 completely inept people are seriously injured by exercise equipment annually in America...29,999 of those come from assembling the new diet enhancing device they just received in the mail...I keed...I keed...but seriously all one needs to do is look up idiots and barbells on YouTube to fins a plethora of idiots hospitalizing themselves through the misuse of equipment for the specific purpose of trying to get a video to go viral...You Tube is probably the BEST reality TV on planet Earth...since the idiots uploading files to share have NO aversion to being the centerpiece of a something painful yet hilarious to the rest of us...they are truly from the warm water wading gene pool where little kids piss...REAL physical fitness gurus take extra precautions NOT to try and lift weights while standing on a beach ball...or trying to conduct an exercise such as parkour while having access to ONLY high rise buildings...and unfortunately some of these accidents do occur through the exact way mentioned earlier...by physically unfit human beings trying to tone up and lose weight...they are usually of the 500 lb plus variety and purchase items such as a treadmill rated with a capacity to handle 300 lbs. or less...tragedy befalls them when they are either putting the item together or when they hobble on to it and cause it to suffer catastrophic structural failure...you think I am kidding...case in point...roughly 10 years ago I went on a canoeing trip with some friends of the ex...the members that made up the majority of this excursion were Indian ethnicity...feathers not target dots...so one would reasonably assume they had their shit together when it came to navigating a river while sitting in a canoe...I mean...all historical records and artwork seem to indicate that it was these people or their ancestors that created this type of watercraft in the first place...so you can imagine my shock and surprise when I guided my single seat kayak past a standard 2 seat canoe...that was carrying (3) male members of the tribal variety...all of which had to gently tip the scales at 300 lbs. plus...as well as a cooler full of beer...roughly 1,000 lbs of weight in a canoe rated to hold half that...needless to say the water level breached the sides of the canoe every time one of them shifted an ass cheek to float an air biscuit...similarly needless in nature to mention...yours truly paddled ahead with a fervor unmatched on that given day to get to the "Tubes" that run under one of the country roads we would encounter...I just had to get the BEST seat for the show...by the time the aforementioned ark reached the point of NO RETURN for entering the Tubes...I was firmly parked on the banks of the river waiting for the episode to unfurl...as canoe after canoe...raft after raft...kayak after kayak and inner tube after inner tube made their way through the Tubes...the occupants were greeted with rapids at the far end that sprayed them with water and even caused a few less than confident navigators to tip and spill their belongings into the rushing water...the overloaded canoe in question had NO such problem when it steamrolled through the Tubes and subsequently sank straight to the bottom...while the ONLY things bruised that day were the egos of a few floating tribal members this event shows just how dangerous the misuse of equipment can be...I laughed so hard I developed a six pack ab set just from watching...several other people actually toppled over from laughing and did injure themselves on the rocks and pebbles strewn across the shore...look there is a really easy way to avoid being injured by exercise equipment...DON'T USE IT...EVER...IDK about you folks but the very last thing I wanna do is DIE HEALTHY...what kinda bullshit belief system is that...I mean seriously...aside from any significant amount of pain associated to a terminal disease I wanna leave this planet the same way I came into it...KICKING...SCREAMING...& FIGHTING FOR EVERY DAMN BREATH...that is the ONLY sure sign of a well-used life cycle...do your damn duty and grab a DONUT on the way to work tomorrow...they're NOT just for cops!!!

GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!

Poland is the "stolen car capitol of the world"...

...has this idiot ever been to Poland...because I have and the one thing you need an abundance of to become the stolen car capitol of the world is...CARS...something Poland is drastically lacking...they have NO use for them...people in Poland walk...ride bikes...take the bus...or ride the ever present slowest moving train on Earth...(seriously you can walk faster than the train travels)...what few cars they do have there are shrouded in mysterious misnomers...like 'limousine'...which loosely translates into...1950's era Mercedes Benz sedan with brake problems...or they are of the size of Hot Wheels and Matchbox models...their streets are so narrow and their vehicles so small that in the current era half of all sidewalks double as parking spaces...going to Poland is like taking a huge leap back in time...NOTTA a single thing besides McDonalds is open before 10am...and NOTHING besides McDonalds and bars are open after 6pm...literally...you can be standing at the checkout with half of your supplies rung up and bagged and the very second the clock strikes 6pm...they will shoo you out the door WITHOUT the rest of what you had lying on the checkout belt...they do NOT piss around and wait to ensure the customer has been satisfied...quite the culture shock when you come from the land of...customers come first...they do this because they are more family oriented than we are here...they eat their dinner meals together daily at all costs...having to walk...ride a bike...take a bus or train home to get there on time requires adhering to a regimented schedule...and they ride their bikes EVERYWHERE...into stores...into McDonalds...and there is NO such thing as public intoxication laws on the books...or at least NONE the police are willing to enforce...it is NOT uncommon to see citizens walking the streets...boarding buses or trains...or riding bikes with a full Budweiser in hand...from the minute the sun rises until someone passes out...and with their ignorance at the bartering table I find it very difficult to believe that ANYONE needs to steal ANYTHING...hell I went to the currency exchange when we got there and slid a U.S. $100.00 bill under the window and that poor lady handed me so many stacks of Polish currency...I felt like the bastard child of Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey...of course that was before Poland converted to the Euro...I paid 3 zolte's (roughly less than a $1.00) for a souvenir chessboard for my son...a magnificent gift that in America would have been accompanied with a price tag somewhere in the range of $80.00...and I bartered to get that price since it was originally offered at 10 zolte's...had I the need for a blow up buggy (polish sports car)...I'm fairly certain I coulda walked away from the bargaining table for less than $50.00 American money...hell over 90% of the population doesn't even know how to drive...let alone steal anything...and when you see how their..."the war ain't over yet" Police force is decked out and patrolling the streets on foot...you get the distinct feeling that they still view the outside world as potential threats...I couldn't even take a picture at the airport in Warsaw...an airport mind you that had maybe a whole whopping three terminals...a couple hundred passengers and at least three dozen pairs of heavily armed police/soldiers...I was fortunate enough to imbibe some of their spirited beverages whilst I was there...and lemme tell you...it is an alcoholics paradise of potent potables over in historic old Poland...the alcohol content for light beer (drinks for women I soon learned) is an outstanding 7.3%...regular beer comes in at just over 9% and the stronger beers hit the charts at over 11% alcohol content...compare that to America's watered down versions and we look like a buncha sissy sippers...word to the wise...if you are ever over there and happen to be offered homemade Nalefka...RUN while you still can...that shit could strip layers of steel from an I-beam...it is the most toxic substance I have ever ingested and it will definitely prevent you from being able to drive let alone walk...stolen car capitol of the world indeed...these are the same ethnic people we poke fun at for being slightly slower at the intelligence level than the rest of the people on the planet...and here's the final piece of proof that Polish people do NOT steal vehicles successfully...the entire week I was there...traveling from one end of the country to the other on the world's slowest moving mode of transportation...the one thing I noticed that I'm sure the rest of my family members did not...is that there are NO garages...not on the personal or commercial level...the majority of these people live in the metropolitan areas where NOTHING but apartment buildings are present...they have no room to build a garage or carport...they all park on the street...so where exactly is Poland's underground auto thief supposed to HIDE their newly acquired automobiles??? That's right folks...in plain sight...the ONLY place the police in Poland won't look...a force of heavily armed men and women who patrol the streets in pairs like they're still looking for Hitler's hideout...hell the country is so poor that many of the buildings from WWII are still standing...intact or as shells of their former selves...complete with painted over bullet holes in the walls and ceiling from when the Nazi's occupied the place...so you tell me...how likely is it that Polish people are the Grand Poobah of the International Auto Theft Pantheon??? 

DUMB...DUMBER...DUMBEST!!!

The Egyptian pyramids are located at the intersection of the latitudes and longitudes which cover the greatest amount of land on Earth...

...am I the ONLY person on the planet that has EVER looked at a damn globe???  Latitudes are lines that wrap around the globe and mark a places location in relation to a north/south position...these lines vary in the amount of distance they cover because they are parallel to the Equator...which is the LONGEST latitude...unfortunately the pyramids lie 29° 59' N meaning they are NO where near the latitude with that encompasses the greatest distance around the Earth...dipshit...learn cartography...as far as longitudes are concerned...they are all the SAME distance...since the lines begin at one polar point on the planet...form an arced yet straight line through the opposite pole and continue back to their points of origin...ANY dumbass coulda got that one right...even tho the pyramids reside at 31° 09' E of the Prime Meridian...it really doesn't matter since you could hypothetically draw the same type of longitudinal line through this exact point and it would result in the same amount of distance...(I know where you are going with your questions of authentication)...Kevin, distances vary at longitudes due to topical differences in terrain...such as mountains and valleys...NO it does not...distance is calculated these days with high tech land survey equipment which nullifies topographical differences in terrain dynamics...I know because I have worked in this field previously...yes back in the golden days of using what was available to measure distances...land survey teams used 100' lengths of chain and tried to shoot a straight and true line...the problem was these distances were inaccurate because they did include topographical terrain differences...distance is now calculated using a constant flat surface as the basis...such as sea level...this allows us to precisely measure how far it is from one point to another...without taking structures into consideration...what is interesting is that if you look at theories of Ancient power grids on the planet what you find is an exactness that should NOT have been possible given the crude and rudimentary knowledge and tools we assume they used...damn near every megalithic prehistoric structure...the pyramids on the Giza plateau included...and you draw straight lines around the globe using a any two of them as the basis for establishing the line that will encompass the surface of Earth...they form an enormous global geometric diagram to within a degree of being PRECISE...what is even more interesting is that the majority of these megalithic structures include massively huge and heavy expertly cut and fashioned stones weighing in at over 1,000 tons...objects that were quarried from deposits located hundreds of miles from where the actual structure stands...archaeologists would have us believe these master stone masons were able to do this using NOTHING more than stone age hand tools and logs for transport...yet when you speak with someone that is in the career field of massive mining...they will inform you that the GIGANTIC Earth moving equipment we have the advantage of using today...COULDN'T handle projects that large...recent discoveries from archaeological digs are turning up significant evidence that the history of humans may be far more complex and date back beyond what we currently believe to be the beginning of creation...in conjunction with transportation issues comes the explanation of precise carvings that would be difficult to achieve prior to the invention of 3-D modeling...there are also mysteries surrounding the explanation of evident tool markings that could NOT be conducted with Stone Age hand tools...mud-less mortar joints that fit so tightly together you couldn't shove a tachyon thread between them...perfectly cut indentations that we can ONLY duplicate with modern equipment and technology...a preciseness with which modern architects have problems understanding or theorizing on...and let's NOT forget the fact that at the time of these structures being erected NOBODY on Earth had a clue...(or supposedly had NO clue) as to what a longitude or latitude was...and you have a very significant problem with the history of humans as we know it...and it stems from collective conscience propaganda...ANYTIME somebody that has spent the larger part of their early years obtaining a degree with the letters PHD attached to it...goes into the field and develops some far fetched theory about how something came to be...the rest of the world accepts this theory as fact...rather than stopping for a second and thinking for themselves...after all these IDIOTS wasted their time and money studying shit they couldn't possibly hope to understand...only to offer their OPINIONS as proven facts...some dumb ass whispers..."Global warming is a serious threat"...and EVERYONE feels they need to adopt a greener lifestyle...they don't even blink an eye at the fact that data for modern weather related events has only been recorded for a little over 100 years...yet there is absolute proof that the planet has undergone drastic changes in temperatures throughout it's existence...geological discoveries indicate that the planet continues to experience drastic dips in temperatures which result in Ice Ages...followed by drastic rises in temperature which return uninhabitable areas to habitable zones...it is a healing process the planet incorporates all by itself...the more we learn the less we actually know!!!

AND THEY CAN FLY TOO!!!

A government study has confirmed that pigs can become alcoholics...

I love government funded studies...they are all the rage these days...let's look at some of the basic information this study MISSED...such as pigs do NOT earn money...therefore they cannot buy their own alcohol...most pigs do not live to the ripe old age of 21...meaning the government is knowingly violating one of their own laws by providing alcohol to minors...pigs cannot fabricate moonshine stills...nor do they have the capacity to mix mash and distill it properly...so what does this mean???  Quite simply it means that a small but albeit important portion of our national deficit is the direct result of ill informed scientific studies...any and all members of the animal kingdom are capable of developing alcoholic tendencies when subjected to cruel and unusual controlled environments where they are force fed alcohol...I swear the day America wakes up and realizes what's going on it will be too late...this is the fodder they fill the papers and internet with to keep us from noticing what is really going on in this country...I mean seriously...how many of you read that tidbit statement and found it fascinating or interesting??? GO quickly to the nearest hardware store and buy some rope...I'm sure you have a chair at home that you could topple off of rather easily...PIGS CAN BECOME ALCOHOLICS...indeed...with the ever present assistance of warped human beings...I mean unless you truly enjoy an alcoholic lifestyle...and have the belief of reincarnation in your tiny little melon...then this is great news...all you hafta do is come back as some form of swine and swill away at the local watering trough full of your favorite concoction...NO more worries about DUI...or other related offenses...I'll tell ya what...I don't know what's worse...submitting a request for funding for such a dumbass idea or being the one that signs it into approval status and disburses the funds...I don't get it...is there some part of America where drunken pigs are a problem???  Has some farmer found other farm animals impregnated by the sour mash sipping swine??? Do we have horse and sheep running around with pig snouts and curly tails as the direct result of interbreeding with hammered hogs???  Doubtful...so why the interest in getting pigs to drink alcohol to see if they develop a 'disease' once thought to be secluded to humans???  There really is no good explanation for this type of study...personally I could care less if pigs drink to get drunk or not...if I were a pig farmer on the other hand I would use this information to the absolute best of my abilities and raise all the hogs on my haven as alcoholics...why would I do this???  Because unlike others I see advantages to be had and a market to be cornered...PRE-MARINATED PIG PRODUCTS...think of how much more money you could get for your swine if they were already saturated with flavorful alcoholic content...you could sell your meat to restaurants...delis...grocery stores...you would be the Bill Gates of boogery and butchery...having made sure the meat was fully saturated prior to being led to the slaughterhouse...I mean who could compete with Pabst Blue Ribbon Pork Rinds...or Palatable Patron Pork Loins...Captain Morgan's Pork Medallions...the list goes on and on...ya see I've given up on chastising the government for misappropriating funds...it's useless and takes up too much of my time...once you reach a deficit ceiling that taps into the trillions...citizens shouldn't need to be clued into the fact that governments spend money they do NOT have and expect us to foot the bill...what I have done is begun to look for ways to use this information beneficially...I figure WTF...if they're just gonna keep spending money we do NOT HAVE...I may as well enlighten you to how to convert it into useful information...STAY TUNED for more ways to take advantage of piss poor government spending programs...such as teaching people the long lost art of growing their own food instead of trading food stamps for drugs!!!  Have a great day!!!