Title 14, Sec. 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestials or their vehicles...
Apparently this only applies if you know how to read above the 3rd grade level and don't reside in a state south of the Mason-Dixon line...notice it doesn't stipulate ramifications revolving around abductions and subsequent Bubba-sicle producing anal probing procedures...this is one of those laws that just doesn't make sense...a government that denies any type of alien intervention in human history...finds it necessary to enact a law forbidding the practice of interstellar species interaction...I wonder...did they ever STOP to consider that a life form possessing the intelligence to utilize galaxy gliding space travel...more than likely also has the potential to manufacture machines that possess the awesome power of teleportation...you know...that awesome ability that allows Kirk and the rest of the 'Away Team' to beam about the universe at will...penalties for violating the "Extra-Terrestial Exposure Law" could include imprisonment for up to 1 year...and a $5000.00 fine...NOT too mention being quarantined without a hearing by NASA or it's administrators...proof once again that my theory was right with regards to the Moon Landing mock-up...because if we had touched down on a planet...or hunk of orbiting space junk...everyone in NASA should have been arrested...astronauts included...once a projectile leaves the atmosphere of this planet...it becomes extra-terrestial by definition...operation above and outside the law however...is still reserved for those in positions of power within the U.S. government...what is it they expect an individual to do if they are to encounter a UFO or alien life form...gently but firmly explain...from a predetermined distance...the illegalities involved with such interaction...gonna be kinda hard to get little Gary the Grey to stop poking around in my posterior just because the clusterf**ks in control of my country think it's a bad idea to be taken against my will by a lifeform with far greater intellectual capacity than myself...is there a Help Hotline we can call...and if so why isn't it as popular as 911...and for my own comfort and peace of mind...please enlighten me as to what they intend to do to the offending aliens...will they be locked up at the local PD...how will you enforce a fine upon them...as far as I am aware we haven't yet developed the necessary currency exchange to enable such enforcement of financially mandated fines...maybe they should concentrate on actually enforcing this E.T. Exposure Law...instead of just puttin it on the books...it would sure quiet down the poop-chute probing community in a quick hurry...think I'm jokin'...you try obtaining legal counsel capable of mounting a defense argument that stipulates you were simply devastated by the digital desires of an alien life form...gonna be damn hard explaining to your friends...family..and co-workers how your picture ended up in the paper accompanying a paragraph titled..."UFO occupier gets 'fingered' for $5000.00"...and here's the real kick in the ass...if another life form does visit our big blue marble someday...and we fail to make contact...the future of our advancement as a species relies solely on the stupidity of several civilian sectors within our current goverment...pretty bleak prognosis for us as a people...wouldn't you agree??? Seriously...if I even think I've witnessed an avenue of escape...extra-terrestial or otherwise...I'll be the first one bolting out the door and booking safe passage...because here's the thing...even if they reject me due to being so anally retentive you couldn't ram an unsoaked strand of spaghetti up there with a shoehorn and a sledge hammer...I would project an attitude of arrogance...fear of the unknown would keep these idiots from imprisoning me or imposing a fine...and there's a chance that me being first would ruin it for the rest...10 minutes with me on board and they'd have those assholes in office shovelling Sasquatch shit on the south side of Saturn...this little law...speaks volumes about the illogical intellect sought out by institutions of corruption during the hiring process...apparently one of the examples on the entrance exam for governmental job hunters requires the individual applying to draw an object which resembles a box...because if you can't draw the damn thing you damn sure can't think outside of it...which immediately qualifies you for consideration in the upper echelons of employment opportunities...this type of turdulent thinking is what has been and always will be wrong with this country...and it isn't selectively secluded to the government sector...people desperately need to educate themselves above and beyond what is currently available academically in this country...the common citizen hasn't a clue that half the shit our government is involved in is illegal...either on an individual or international level...we won't even mention their interstellar imprisonment issues...to say I am displeased with the performance of our politicians is an understatement equivalent to saying a constipated elephant has an ingrown hair up it's ass...I abhor this kind of ignorance...especially in individuals who have a direct hand in the progress of our nation as a whole...wanna know when the Senate has the countries best interest at heart...when it's out of session..."A free people ought not only be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government"...George Washington said that...and he helped form the first faction of government on these shores...altho the language of the day was far inferior to what we have today...our forefathers fought for freedom...they didn't impose ill thought out injustice upon the commonwealth or it's citizens...the MISINTERPRETERS are the ones guilty of that...the E.T. Exposure Law was supposedly enacted to protect the civilian citizens of this country...the Federal Government feared that an individual might come in contact with one of our own early space program components...a capsule...a section of seperated rocket...and since this item may have an unknown extra-terrestial bacteria on it...a world wide epidemic was quite possible...they then went on to launch several missions into space...with the foresight to land these returning vessels at sea...in the water...an element deemed absolutely...100%...without a shred of doubt necessary...to maintain life as we know it...the only difference between our government and those it fears is...ours has mastered the art of covertness...we are one of the most restrictive countries claiming freedom...I mean WTF...if we were truly a country that allowed its constituents the affordability of freedom don't you think we should have a say in whether or NOT we wanna be allowed to frollick thru the forest foraging for unfound UFO's??? This law itself provides all the proof necessary that things are NOT what they seem here in the good ol' U.S. of A. It prevents privatization of space travel by individuals who might otherwise have the financial resources to undergo such an excursion...they are absolutely terrified that somebody might have the technological capabilities to advance colonization of other planets...and that given their overall track record we would all vacate this planet in hopes of forging a far better future on a distant frontier...leaving them all behind to find REAL jobs instead of sucking the life out of everyone thru unnecessary and illegal tax policies...I'm sure there are those among you who think I'm just being cute and humorous...far from it...our government fears one thing...and one thing only...the obliteration of the illusion known as control...once they lose it...all bets are off...the history of humanity throughout the ages suggests being a member of a corrupt government institution at the time of it being overthrown...doesn't bode too well for the bastards in question...it's sad really...when the only thing nice you have to say about your 'elected' officials is that they'd look better with their heads in a basket...and if Hollywood has it right...which they all too often do...when it comes to what the future holds when taking into account interstellar species interacting... chances are probably pretty damn good extra-terrestial life has already developed the most feared anomaly faced by the cast of the Enterprise...the Kling-on Cloaking Device...and they are parked outside on the White House lawn as we speak...which can only mean one thing...Class-Action Confinement... round them all up and quarantine them...they made the rule...let them live by it...I'll see everyone of them convicted to the fullest extent of the law in the Court of Kevin's Opinion...I intend to use the same illogical...illegitimate...ignorance they implored in enacting this ill-advised ass wrangling regulation...Guilty by Theory of Invisibility...which states...as I'm writing it now..."If you cannot prove something doesn't exist...it therefore must exist...and since you can't see it...plausible deniability is unacceptable as an argument" (Is that thunder I hear off in the distance...or has there been another THUMPING!)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
02/29/12
The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs...
Really??? I see we have a new candidate for carryin' their common sense around in a colostomy bag...let's see what happens when I activate my new Idiot Indicator...>>>...nope NOT over there...<<<...nope NOT over that way either...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...oh look...there they are...I hate to be the only one capable of pointing out the facts disputing this claim...but alas...if NOT for me...then who??? What...pray tell...dear author of the assinine assumptions...constitutes an 'average' person...in terms of eligibility for cremation consideration...far too often people of this mindwarping magnitude misrepresent procedural processes when pontificating their pointless attempts to further educate those they consider intellectually inferior...one simple word discredits this dipshits theory on alloted weight measurements associated with ash following containment in the crematorium...CASKETS...those lovely little things made out of WOOD...and what does wood create when subjected to the properties of fire??? ASH...that's right...don't be shy...(extra credit for those who participate...and by the looks of it...there should be so many hands flailing around in the air...I start believing humans can fly)...the bones that are left behind are ground into a powder...let's call it...NOTASH...it is then mixed with the 'ash' and offered in an urn...it is this NOTASH that provides most of the weight one receives as a remembrance...I've often marvelled at the complexities of the human race and the rituals it incorporates into daily life...or afterlife if you will...for instance...Why is it that we feel compelled to keep our dead close at hand??? When you stop for a second to consider funeral proceedings...or cremation processes...they don't make a damn bit of sense when compared to what we do while we are alive...What do we do...on a daily basis...when we are thru with things...when they no longer serve a functional purpose??? We throw them away...or we recycle them...don't we??? (I know what some of you are thinking...'Well we can't just go throwin' dead bodies into garbage cans'...and right you would be...it would scare the hell outta the neighbors)...but seriously...we bury or burn our deceased...and then for some reason...unbeknownst to me...we find it necessary to physically visit the site of our dear departed in order to converse with them...altho all relative scientific studies support the notion...they can NO longer hear us...answer us...or interact with us...I find this to be the one area human evolution has NOT progressed in...it is an ancient archaic method of morbid rememberance...that has been catalogued throughout our history...I think it's about time to change some of these practices...bring them up to speed with the century we find ourselves wading thru...I don't wanna be buried in some hole six feet deep...NOR do I wish to be cremated...my own personal preference is to be STUFFED...that's right...and NOT just stuffed...seperated and stuffed...and then sewn back together...that way you can pick a new pose on a daily basis...have some fun with it...stand me in the cereal aisle of the local grocery store...dress me up as the guy on the LIFE cereal box...hang a sign around my neck...'LIFE...you can't get to where I am without it'...maybe NOT the best advertising slogan...but HEY it's a new system...bound to hit a few snags here and there...I think it would be entertaining to say the least...what with the technology we have today...you could retrofit my corpse with a squawkbox where my sphincter used to be...complete with some of my all time favorite phrases...that way every time some simple minded...stud muffin of stupidity...finds it necessary to open their garbage spewing gullet...and spit forth half thought out ideas that signify their undying ineptitude...you just sit them in a chair directly in front of me...lift my left leg...and out will fly funny shit faster than a fart in a funnel cloud...you know...there's a hunting season for everything but Ignorant Individuals...and after witnessing the other life forms in the animal kingdom...I hafta ask...WHY IS THAT??? Every other species in the known universe...rids itself of the idiots among them...either by Selective Survival methods...or just Absolute Abandonment...the slow ones get left behind for somethin' elses supper...now I'm not suggesting we go cannibal on the kids who can't keep up in the common sense category...but for f**ks sake...we don't hafta keep supporting them...draggin' them along thru life...do we??? I mean how hard can it be...send them to the store...change the locks...shut the door...quick...clean...simple...and safe...I have an idea on how we can quiet down all the Global Warming goombahs...lemme design windmills that slap the shit outta stupid people...get enough of these things in operation and they'll cool the Earth's crust so quickly we'll all be living in igloos by 2020...Einstein once proposed that humans as a race...utilize 20% of the brains capabilities individually...and I have NO doubt he was right...GENIUS...HELLO...however even someone with the genius level of logical thinking one often attributes to Mr. Einstein...he too was capable of incorrect calculations...now if we take Einstein as an example of an individual who operates at full functional capacity...thereby taking every advantage of the entire 20% currently available to us intellectually...it stands to reason that there are those among us who function at a level less than 20%...myself included...I'm guessin' right around the15-17%...wouldn't it stand to reason my counterpart in the collective conscience operates at the outstanding average of 3-5%??? I have a theory of my own...wanna hear it??? I thought you might...so here it goes...1 out of 5 people operates at or above 10%...that means...(the 'ash'hole author of errant arithmetic surrounding the subject of NOTASH included)...4 out of 5 people should probably use eye protection when eating with a fork!!!
Really??? I see we have a new candidate for carryin' their common sense around in a colostomy bag...let's see what happens when I activate my new Idiot Indicator...>>>...nope NOT over there...<<<...nope NOT over that way either...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...oh look...there they are...I hate to be the only one capable of pointing out the facts disputing this claim...but alas...if NOT for me...then who??? What...pray tell...dear author of the assinine assumptions...constitutes an 'average' person...in terms of eligibility for cremation consideration...far too often people of this mindwarping magnitude misrepresent procedural processes when pontificating their pointless attempts to further educate those they consider intellectually inferior...one simple word discredits this dipshits theory on alloted weight measurements associated with ash following containment in the crematorium...CASKETS...those lovely little things made out of WOOD...and what does wood create when subjected to the properties of fire??? ASH...that's right...don't be shy...(extra credit for those who participate...and by the looks of it...there should be so many hands flailing around in the air...I start believing humans can fly)...the bones that are left behind are ground into a powder...let's call it...NOTASH...it is then mixed with the 'ash' and offered in an urn...it is this NOTASH that provides most of the weight one receives as a remembrance...I've often marvelled at the complexities of the human race and the rituals it incorporates into daily life...or afterlife if you will...for instance...Why is it that we feel compelled to keep our dead close at hand??? When you stop for a second to consider funeral proceedings...or cremation processes...they don't make a damn bit of sense when compared to what we do while we are alive...What do we do...on a daily basis...when we are thru with things...when they no longer serve a functional purpose??? We throw them away...or we recycle them...don't we??? (I know what some of you are thinking...'Well we can't just go throwin' dead bodies into garbage cans'...and right you would be...it would scare the hell outta the neighbors)...but seriously...we bury or burn our deceased...and then for some reason...unbeknownst to me...we find it necessary to physically visit the site of our dear departed in order to converse with them...altho all relative scientific studies support the notion...they can NO longer hear us...answer us...or interact with us...I find this to be the one area human evolution has NOT progressed in...it is an ancient archaic method of morbid rememberance...that has been catalogued throughout our history...I think it's about time to change some of these practices...bring them up to speed with the century we find ourselves wading thru...I don't wanna be buried in some hole six feet deep...NOR do I wish to be cremated...my own personal preference is to be STUFFED...that's right...and NOT just stuffed...seperated and stuffed...and then sewn back together...that way you can pick a new pose on a daily basis...have some fun with it...stand me in the cereal aisle of the local grocery store...dress me up as the guy on the LIFE cereal box...hang a sign around my neck...'LIFE...you can't get to where I am without it'...maybe NOT the best advertising slogan...but HEY it's a new system...bound to hit a few snags here and there...I think it would be entertaining to say the least...what with the technology we have today...you could retrofit my corpse with a squawkbox where my sphincter used to be...complete with some of my all time favorite phrases...that way every time some simple minded...stud muffin of stupidity...finds it necessary to open their garbage spewing gullet...and spit forth half thought out ideas that signify their undying ineptitude...you just sit them in a chair directly in front of me...lift my left leg...and out will fly funny shit faster than a fart in a funnel cloud...you know...there's a hunting season for everything but Ignorant Individuals...and after witnessing the other life forms in the animal kingdom...I hafta ask...WHY IS THAT??? Every other species in the known universe...rids itself of the idiots among them...either by Selective Survival methods...or just Absolute Abandonment...the slow ones get left behind for somethin' elses supper...now I'm not suggesting we go cannibal on the kids who can't keep up in the common sense category...but for f**ks sake...we don't hafta keep supporting them...draggin' them along thru life...do we??? I mean how hard can it be...send them to the store...change the locks...shut the door...quick...clean...simple...and safe...I have an idea on how we can quiet down all the Global Warming goombahs...lemme design windmills that slap the shit outta stupid people...get enough of these things in operation and they'll cool the Earth's crust so quickly we'll all be living in igloos by 2020...Einstein once proposed that humans as a race...utilize 20% of the brains capabilities individually...and I have NO doubt he was right...GENIUS...HELLO...however even someone with the genius level of logical thinking one often attributes to Mr. Einstein...he too was capable of incorrect calculations...now if we take Einstein as an example of an individual who operates at full functional capacity...thereby taking every advantage of the entire 20% currently available to us intellectually...it stands to reason that there are those among us who function at a level less than 20%...myself included...I'm guessin' right around the15-17%...wouldn't it stand to reason my counterpart in the collective conscience operates at the outstanding average of 3-5%??? I have a theory of my own...wanna hear it??? I thought you might...so here it goes...1 out of 5 people operates at or above 10%...that means...(the 'ash'hole author of errant arithmetic surrounding the subject of NOTASH included)...4 out of 5 people should probably use eye protection when eating with a fork!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
02/28/12
Personal Hygiene in the 1800's left much room for improvement. Women would spread bees wax their acne to hide it. If you stared too long you were told to 'mind your own bees wax'...
Idk about the 1800's but personal hygiene of the 2000's leaves much room for improvement too...ever been to Wal-Mart on a lazy afternoon...bees wax would be a blessing in disguise...you seldom hafta get more than 5 feet inside the store before you witness someone who hasn't seen water since their ancestors came over on a boat...it's enough to make you wanna rewrite nursery rhymes..."Wash...Wash...Wash your ass...blast it with hot steam...Hurry...Hurry...Hurry...wash your clothes down by the stream"...some of these crusty assed creatures appear stuck in the 1800's where owning a mirror was a luxury...if you leave your house wearing clothes you couldn't fit in 20 years and 75 lbs ago...a mirror is NO longer a luxury...it should be the first thing you place in your cart when you venture out on your next shopping spree...that or invest in enough bees wax to step out lookin' like a walking booger billboard advertisement for Kleenex...I don't know about the rest of ya...but personally I'd rather see the ladies from 'Little House on the Prarie' parading around in plain jane dresses than to constantly be subjected to some of the sad excuses for the advancement of spandex in humanity that wander the aisles of Wally World...seriously...if you leave the house wearing a thong so small it looks like a Hippo destroying dental floss...perhaps a barrel of Burt's Bees Wax wouldn't be such a bad idea...if you open your dresser drawer and decide to don that pair of spandex that makes you look like a balloon about to burst...do us all a favor...bundle up in a blanket and advertise yourself as a Retro Roman...if you haven't the time to invest in fixin up those lovely locks atop your head...wear a hat...don't bounce up and down the walkways lookin' like Yolanda the Yeti on a bad hair day...if your make-up looks like it was applied using watercolors and waffle mix...don't worry about wearing bees wax...your acne has already been misidentified as measles...if you find yourself standing at the cosmetics counter waiting for service...it's NOT because they're too busy to bother...it's because their sense of sight and smell have systematically shut down due to the offensive presence of your persona...if you look like the last bath you had was taken in a tub of butter... NEWSFLASH...'You're flexy and you show it'...if Mimi...from the Drew Carey show is your idol for aesthetic appearance...stay inside your tin can coated castle...because NOTHING says...White Trailer Trash Temptress...like your scabbies scarin'...green gummed...dirty dreadlock sportin'...stretchin' the limits of spandex...super model mutilating meat bag...prancing around like you're the epitome of pretty... NOW I'll admit...I myself have ventured forth into the land of laziness a time or two...when it comes to wearing inappropriate apparel outside the abode...but NEVER have I made one of these escapades fostering the illusion I was embarking on some sort of trend setting exercise...my biggest sin is wearing pajama pants in public on occassion...but here's the thing...they NEVER present my package in such a manner as to make others pray for puking as some sort of pennance...listen...it's really very simple...if you aren't famous on at least 4 continents...yet walking out of your house usually results in photo flashes popping off like panties at a nudist colony...there is a better than average chance you're gonna end up the centerfold of that colorful compilation...'Calamity Queens of Catastrophe'...there's a huge difference between colostomy bags and your compact case...one makes shit look more presentable...and one is hidden in the deepest recesses of your dufflebag full of dumbass ideas...here's another hint...if you're kids don't show up after school until the sun goes down...chances are they suffer from Coulrophobia... life's hard enough trying to pass P.E....let alone explaining the perplexities involved with how one of your parents performs puppet shows dressed up like Pennywise...holy clayface catwoman...if you hafta chisel chunks off your choppers with a jackhammer...if you go to a sushi bar and the shellfish swim away...if opening your mouth manufactures a mixture of methane and mustard gas...if your Sunday attire looks like something you'd see looking thru a kaliedescope on crack...or if your smile looks like a paper shredder and a salad shooter had sex...personal hygiene isn't in the appropriate place on your priority list...times change...as do relative sayings...what used to be...'Mind your own bees wax'...has been replaced with... 'What in the blue f**k was that?!?' Don't be the posterchild for progidies of pessimism over pro-choice!!!
Idk about the 1800's but personal hygiene of the 2000's leaves much room for improvement too...ever been to Wal-Mart on a lazy afternoon...bees wax would be a blessing in disguise...you seldom hafta get more than 5 feet inside the store before you witness someone who hasn't seen water since their ancestors came over on a boat...it's enough to make you wanna rewrite nursery rhymes..."Wash...Wash...Wash your ass...blast it with hot steam...Hurry...Hurry...Hurry...wash your clothes down by the stream"...some of these crusty assed creatures appear stuck in the 1800's where owning a mirror was a luxury...if you leave your house wearing clothes you couldn't fit in 20 years and 75 lbs ago...a mirror is NO longer a luxury...it should be the first thing you place in your cart when you venture out on your next shopping spree...that or invest in enough bees wax to step out lookin' like a walking booger billboard advertisement for Kleenex...I don't know about the rest of ya...but personally I'd rather see the ladies from 'Little House on the Prarie' parading around in plain jane dresses than to constantly be subjected to some of the sad excuses for the advancement of spandex in humanity that wander the aisles of Wally World...seriously...if you leave the house wearing a thong so small it looks like a Hippo destroying dental floss...perhaps a barrel of Burt's Bees Wax wouldn't be such a bad idea...if you open your dresser drawer and decide to don that pair of spandex that makes you look like a balloon about to burst...do us all a favor...bundle up in a blanket and advertise yourself as a Retro Roman...if you haven't the time to invest in fixin up those lovely locks atop your head...wear a hat...don't bounce up and down the walkways lookin' like Yolanda the Yeti on a bad hair day...if your make-up looks like it was applied using watercolors and waffle mix...don't worry about wearing bees wax...your acne has already been misidentified as measles...if you find yourself standing at the cosmetics counter waiting for service...it's NOT because they're too busy to bother...it's because their sense of sight and smell have systematically shut down due to the offensive presence of your persona...if you look like the last bath you had was taken in a tub of butter... NEWSFLASH...'You're flexy and you show it'...if Mimi...from the Drew Carey show is your idol for aesthetic appearance...stay inside your tin can coated castle...because NOTHING says...White Trailer Trash Temptress...like your scabbies scarin'...green gummed...dirty dreadlock sportin'...stretchin' the limits of spandex...super model mutilating meat bag...prancing around like you're the epitome of pretty... NOW I'll admit...I myself have ventured forth into the land of laziness a time or two...when it comes to wearing inappropriate apparel outside the abode...but NEVER have I made one of these escapades fostering the illusion I was embarking on some sort of trend setting exercise...my biggest sin is wearing pajama pants in public on occassion...but here's the thing...they NEVER present my package in such a manner as to make others pray for puking as some sort of pennance...listen...it's really very simple...if you aren't famous on at least 4 continents...yet walking out of your house usually results in photo flashes popping off like panties at a nudist colony...there is a better than average chance you're gonna end up the centerfold of that colorful compilation...'Calamity Queens of Catastrophe'...there's a huge difference between colostomy bags and your compact case...one makes shit look more presentable...and one is hidden in the deepest recesses of your dufflebag full of dumbass ideas...here's another hint...if you're kids don't show up after school until the sun goes down...chances are they suffer from Coulrophobia... life's hard enough trying to pass P.E....let alone explaining the perplexities involved with how one of your parents performs puppet shows dressed up like Pennywise...holy clayface catwoman...if you hafta chisel chunks off your choppers with a jackhammer...if you go to a sushi bar and the shellfish swim away...if opening your mouth manufactures a mixture of methane and mustard gas...if your Sunday attire looks like something you'd see looking thru a kaliedescope on crack...or if your smile looks like a paper shredder and a salad shooter had sex...personal hygiene isn't in the appropriate place on your priority list...times change...as do relative sayings...what used to be...'Mind your own bees wax'...has been replaced with... 'What in the blue f**k was that?!?' Don't be the posterchild for progidies of pessimism over pro-choice!!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
02/27/12
On a canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag...
WOW...yet again...we find ourselves in the company of 'El Capitan Caca de la Cabeza'...google a pic of the Canadian two dollar bill...and yeah I can see how somebody might make the mistake of misidentifying the flag flying over the Parliament building as an American flag...all one needs do is a little research...for the love of morons everywhere...learn how to properly utilize the tecchnology available to you...dipshit...it's as close to being the American flag as your skid mark coated under garments...have you got any idea how absolutely disheartening proving this tidbit is for me??? Here I am trying to pawn off states we NO longer need to our friends to the North and some simpleton of symbolism hasta go and make an assinine remark like this...I mean seriously...you don't even need google...all it takes is enough common sense to fill one of those paper Daisy Cups we all became familiar with in the bathrooms of our parents...ask yourself...WHY would an American flag fly over a government building of a country we have NEVER owned or occupied...the answer is OH SO obvious...IT wouldn't...I weep for the future of the American Education system and those who buy into it...you know what prevents me from spouting off unsupported regurgitations of ridiculousness??? I take too much pride in my family to embarass them with ignorance...this persons parents have a bumper sticker that says..."My child is an honor student of stupidity!"...and how proud they must be...raising a rugrat with the IQ a proctologist could count on one finger...this is why I support states with pro choice programs...it keep the number of coat-hanger haloed heathens to a minimum...ya know...we had kids like this when I was in school...we didn't haze them...or bully them...we just waited for them to graduate so we could say we knew someone who could get us free fries at McDonalds...and the problem isn't just with the education system...I blame the parents as well...for NOT doing enough to protect the rest of us from being subjected to this kinda shit-for-brains mentality...if you're gonna lock little Johnny in the closet for 18 years...don't set them free on society...just pack your things and move...leave them there...with any luck the house will be condemned and demolished...ridding the world of the next Stupor Sleuth...where the hell do these people come from...I mean for f**k's sake...I have a broken watch that's right twice a day...ya may NOT be able to fix stupid...but you can damn sure buy a leash and keep it from roaming the streets unsupervised...I call these people my Dimple Domed Delinquents...because that's what you get when you opt for a plastic coat hanger as opposed to one made out of metal...again...a problem associated with improper planning of avoiding parenthood...ya know...making statements like this individual did...immediately eliminates you from the possibility of playing professional Pictionary...(EHHHNNN!!! Wrong Answer...it's a vertical line...NOT your family tree)...unless this is an answer to that ever popular family game...'What I don't know about..."Trivia"'...then somebody is in dire need of an optical operation...this guy is one shitty idea away from earning an honorary degree in scatology...ya know...maybe it's just me...but when my kids say something that stupid...I don't just shake my head and wonder when they'll venture out into the vast wastelands of America unprepared...we have a discussion...that usually involves an idea I'm pretty sure the inventors of the internet had in mind when they started launching search sites...GOOGLE...it's NOT just a spell checker...because the last thing I wanna do is prove that the technology available today is only as good as the dumbass misusing it...now don't get me wrong...I don't proclaim to be the all knowing guru of gadgetry...but I'm pretty sure I know how to take the necessary steps to research what I need to know before I fumble thru something only to find myself the funny f**kin' format for someone elses blog...because by that time resistance is futile...I only wish the authors weren't anonymous...I can only imagine the conversations one could have with these anti-tachyon truth tellers...makes me curious what kinda debate I could have with someone who thinks at the speed of dark...would I be able to keep my edge...because if they can't see what their next idea is going to be...how can I possibly have the foresight to prepare myself mentally...it would be like talking to a schizophrenic with ADHD...(like listening to Dubya speak...in other words)...for 8 years I felt like I failed first grade English...I had to pull up Google translate...specify 'Idiot' to "English' parameters...and try to type words I NEVER knew existed into the damn thing just to have some sort of hidden clue as to what he was saying...it wasn't until just this year...after getting my new Droid Razr and upgrading the OS on it did Translate finally spit out the meaning of WMD so that I could understand them...(WhatchaMaDinghies-[D] for Dubya-ism...since it's neither a noun...verb...conjunction...injunction...compunction...but a dysfuntion entirely...it means literally...'Shit I made up down at the ranch in Texas because I cain't read them damn detailed reports about who was actually at fault for causing those buildings to fall')...people like this author...and certain past Presidents... should be legally held accountable for violating one of Life's Lessons...'Better to remain SILENT and appear STUPID...than to open one's mouth and REMOVE all DOUBT!!!'
WOW...yet again...we find ourselves in the company of 'El Capitan Caca de la Cabeza'...google a pic of the Canadian two dollar bill...and yeah I can see how somebody might make the mistake of misidentifying the flag flying over the Parliament building as an American flag...all one needs do is a little research...for the love of morons everywhere...learn how to properly utilize the tecchnology available to you...dipshit...it's as close to being the American flag as your skid mark coated under garments...have you got any idea how absolutely disheartening proving this tidbit is for me??? Here I am trying to pawn off states we NO longer need to our friends to the North and some simpleton of symbolism hasta go and make an assinine remark like this...I mean seriously...you don't even need google...all it takes is enough common sense to fill one of those paper Daisy Cups we all became familiar with in the bathrooms of our parents...ask yourself...WHY would an American flag fly over a government building of a country we have NEVER owned or occupied...the answer is OH SO obvious...IT wouldn't...I weep for the future of the American Education system and those who buy into it...you know what prevents me from spouting off unsupported regurgitations of ridiculousness??? I take too much pride in my family to embarass them with ignorance...this persons parents have a bumper sticker that says..."My child is an honor student of stupidity!"...and how proud they must be...raising a rugrat with the IQ a proctologist could count on one finger...this is why I support states with pro choice programs...it keep the number of coat-hanger haloed heathens to a minimum...ya know...we had kids like this when I was in school...we didn't haze them...or bully them...we just waited for them to graduate so we could say we knew someone who could get us free fries at McDonalds...and the problem isn't just with the education system...I blame the parents as well...for NOT doing enough to protect the rest of us from being subjected to this kinda shit-for-brains mentality...if you're gonna lock little Johnny in the closet for 18 years...don't set them free on society...just pack your things and move...leave them there...with any luck the house will be condemned and demolished...ridding the world of the next Stupor Sleuth...where the hell do these people come from...I mean for f**k's sake...I have a broken watch that's right twice a day...ya may NOT be able to fix stupid...but you can damn sure buy a leash and keep it from roaming the streets unsupervised...I call these people my Dimple Domed Delinquents...because that's what you get when you opt for a plastic coat hanger as opposed to one made out of metal...again...a problem associated with improper planning of avoiding parenthood...ya know...making statements like this individual did...immediately eliminates you from the possibility of playing professional Pictionary...(EHHHNNN!!! Wrong Answer...it's a vertical line...NOT your family tree)...unless this is an answer to that ever popular family game...'What I don't know about..."Trivia"'...then somebody is in dire need of an optical operation...this guy is one shitty idea away from earning an honorary degree in scatology...ya know...maybe it's just me...but when my kids say something that stupid...I don't just shake my head and wonder when they'll venture out into the vast wastelands of America unprepared...we have a discussion...that usually involves an idea I'm pretty sure the inventors of the internet had in mind when they started launching search sites...GOOGLE...it's NOT just a spell checker...because the last thing I wanna do is prove that the technology available today is only as good as the dumbass misusing it...now don't get me wrong...I don't proclaim to be the all knowing guru of gadgetry...but I'm pretty sure I know how to take the necessary steps to research what I need to know before I fumble thru something only to find myself the funny f**kin' format for someone elses blog...because by that time resistance is futile...I only wish the authors weren't anonymous...I can only imagine the conversations one could have with these anti-tachyon truth tellers...makes me curious what kinda debate I could have with someone who thinks at the speed of dark...would I be able to keep my edge...because if they can't see what their next idea is going to be...how can I possibly have the foresight to prepare myself mentally...it would be like talking to a schizophrenic with ADHD...(like listening to Dubya speak...in other words)...for 8 years I felt like I failed first grade English...I had to pull up Google translate...specify 'Idiot' to "English' parameters...and try to type words I NEVER knew existed into the damn thing just to have some sort of hidden clue as to what he was saying...it wasn't until just this year...after getting my new Droid Razr and upgrading the OS on it did Translate finally spit out the meaning of WMD so that I could understand them...(WhatchaMaDinghies-[D] for Dubya-ism...since it's neither a noun...verb...conjunction...injunction...compunction...but a dysfuntion entirely...it means literally...'Shit I made up down at the ranch in Texas because I cain't read them damn detailed reports about who was actually at fault for causing those buildings to fall')...people like this author...and certain past Presidents... should be legally held accountable for violating one of Life's Lessons...'Better to remain SILENT and appear STUPID...than to open one's mouth and REMOVE all DOUBT!!!'
Thursday, February 23, 2012
02/24/12
The original story "Tales of 1001 Arabian Knights", begins: "Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy"...
OH HAPPY...HAPPY...JOY...JOY!!! Ten seconds to decipher what is fundamentally wrong with the authors tidbit...(playing music from Final Jeopardy while I wait)...Anybody??? Knights...it should be NIGHTS...I don't believe anyone of Arabian descent has ever been knighted...and even if they had...I doubt you could dig up 1001 of them worth relating a tale about...another glaring error of ethnicity is the author's claim that Aladdin was a little Chinese boy...Aladdin was a street urchin LIVING in a town in China...doesn't mean he was Chinese...anymore than this idiot author obtaining tickets to an NFL game means he's a helmet head...see what happens when a person regurgitates morsels of misinformation they overheard in a lecture on Literature...instead of READING a paragraph or two themselves...here's another indication we are sinking to new levels of stupidity with regards to what was submitted by this feeble minded floatie...'Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp'...wasn't included in the original "Tales" collection...it wasn't added til later...so to say it began with the sentence "Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy"...shows just how significant a problem we have in our education system...this idiot couldn't even follow the timeline correctly...NOW...had Aladdin been born of Chinese heritage...I'm quite sure the story woulda been entirely different...especially the name of the title character...there's NO way in hell it coulda been Aladdin...Araddin perhaps...as in 'Araddin's Wonderful Ramp'...it woulda been a tale about a poor little Chinese boy who found a 'ramp' one day while wallowing thru rice paddies...he woulda used it to make a rice wine so powerful it would've created hallucinations of a magical apparition named I.G. Knee...Araddin woulda married Princess U. Pai Nau...they woulda made their way to America...where she woulda opened a restaraunt...while he toiled away laying train tracks...probably woulda had a few dozen kids...opened a buncha dry cleaners and ruined clothes all across America...end of story...what I find interesting is that the author avoided using 'Tails'...instead of 'Tales'... then we could've blamed it all on Caligula for starting the whole annoiting of horses in positions of power fiasco and it mighta made more sense...ya know I've been guilty of misspelling a few words here and there...on more than one occassion...usually out of my overindulgent behavior associated with my favorite pasttime...LAZINESS...but I've NEVER offered an utterance I want others to take seriously...while simultaneously slaughtering the essence of the sentence...where do we get these perfectors of pronunciation... who seem capable of convoluting the words they hear into fragments of falsification...holy sheep shit batman...here's an idea...update your WINDOWS OS...bring up a second tab...get on Google...start typing the word or phrase you want to use into the search window...it WILL help keep you from revealing your ignorance to those who have found an illumination you couldn't get watching a night game beneath the stadium lights...makes me wonder...when people like this get an idea in their noggins...it must be like runnin' shit thru a strainer...in the end all they did was create more of a mess for someone else to take care of...Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy...the name Aladdin shoulda been the first clue that he wasn't Chinese...since when has Aladdin ever been considered part of the Asian nomenclature...what's next for this mental midget of Middle Eastern literature..."Ah-Li Wong-san and his 40 thieves"...about a gang of Chinese carjackers you can blindfold with dental floss...I wish I knew this legend of lost literature personally...I'd send their ignorant ass an email immediately...I'd include one word along with my definition of it...GRAMMAR... the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!!! I keep this up much longer and Disney will hafta rewrite Bambi...with yours truly taking the part of the rabbit!!!
OH HAPPY...HAPPY...JOY...JOY!!! Ten seconds to decipher what is fundamentally wrong with the authors tidbit...(playing music from Final Jeopardy while I wait)...Anybody??? Knights...it should be NIGHTS...I don't believe anyone of Arabian descent has ever been knighted...and even if they had...I doubt you could dig up 1001 of them worth relating a tale about...another glaring error of ethnicity is the author's claim that Aladdin was a little Chinese boy...Aladdin was a street urchin LIVING in a town in China...doesn't mean he was Chinese...anymore than this idiot author obtaining tickets to an NFL game means he's a helmet head...see what happens when a person regurgitates morsels of misinformation they overheard in a lecture on Literature...instead of READING a paragraph or two themselves...here's another indication we are sinking to new levels of stupidity with regards to what was submitted by this feeble minded floatie...'Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp'...wasn't included in the original "Tales" collection...it wasn't added til later...so to say it began with the sentence "Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy"...shows just how significant a problem we have in our education system...this idiot couldn't even follow the timeline correctly...NOW...had Aladdin been born of Chinese heritage...I'm quite sure the story woulda been entirely different...especially the name of the title character...there's NO way in hell it coulda been Aladdin...Araddin perhaps...as in 'Araddin's Wonderful Ramp'...it woulda been a tale about a poor little Chinese boy who found a 'ramp' one day while wallowing thru rice paddies...he woulda used it to make a rice wine so powerful it would've created hallucinations of a magical apparition named I.G. Knee...Araddin woulda married Princess U. Pai Nau...they woulda made their way to America...where she woulda opened a restaraunt...while he toiled away laying train tracks...probably woulda had a few dozen kids...opened a buncha dry cleaners and ruined clothes all across America...end of story...what I find interesting is that the author avoided using 'Tails'...instead of 'Tales'... then we could've blamed it all on Caligula for starting the whole annoiting of horses in positions of power fiasco and it mighta made more sense...ya know I've been guilty of misspelling a few words here and there...on more than one occassion...usually out of my overindulgent behavior associated with my favorite pasttime...LAZINESS...but I've NEVER offered an utterance I want others to take seriously...while simultaneously slaughtering the essence of the sentence...where do we get these perfectors of pronunciation... who seem capable of convoluting the words they hear into fragments of falsification...holy sheep shit batman...here's an idea...update your WINDOWS OS...bring up a second tab...get on Google...start typing the word or phrase you want to use into the search window...it WILL help keep you from revealing your ignorance to those who have found an illumination you couldn't get watching a night game beneath the stadium lights...makes me wonder...when people like this get an idea in their noggins...it must be like runnin' shit thru a strainer...in the end all they did was create more of a mess for someone else to take care of...Aladdin was a little Chinese Boy...the name Aladdin shoulda been the first clue that he wasn't Chinese...since when has Aladdin ever been considered part of the Asian nomenclature...what's next for this mental midget of Middle Eastern literature..."Ah-Li Wong-san and his 40 thieves"...about a gang of Chinese carjackers you can blindfold with dental floss...I wish I knew this legend of lost literature personally...I'd send their ignorant ass an email immediately...I'd include one word along with my definition of it...GRAMMAR... the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit!!! I keep this up much longer and Disney will hafta rewrite Bambi...with yours truly taking the part of the rabbit!!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
02/23/12
In Israel religious law forbids picking your nose on the Sabbath...
Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!
Of course it does...Israel being a country consisting of people who follow the Jewish faith...ever seen the honker on a Hasidic...you could lose a whole hand up one of those bulbous behemoths they use to breathe with...get in there deep enough and you run the risk of dislodging an eyebrow...there are also plenty of people of the Muslim faith residing in Israel...and you can't be caught mining nose nuggets during mass at the local mosque...the penalty for first time offenders among the towelhead tribe is substituting for Shemmie the suicide bomber...a Jewish born Muslim...whose given name comes out sounding like a llama hacking up a phlegm ball for defensive spitting situations...it also excludes them from the guaranteed alloted virgin expectancy supposedly awaiting them in heaven...you know why this religious law would never get a foothold here in America...because Catholics and Protestants need something to do during those long boring...hellfire and brimstone...sermons they are subjected too...holy crap...have ya sat thru one of those long winded Sunday speeches...normally you have but two options...nose-picking...or napping...big difference...one you can do while pretending to participate in the singing of psalms...the other usually results in an individuals propensity to appear bobbleheadesque...they're uncontrollable noggin nodding is the equivalent of trying to balance a bowling ball on a toothpick...quite often these offenders can be spotted long before the service starts...they are male...middle-aged...accompanied by wife and kids...what makes them stand out from the other father figures is their attire...the untucked NFL football jersey billowing out below their favorite Sunday sweater...dead give-away...this guy will be sleeping before the opening credits are completed...and altho nose pickin on the Sabbath in Israel maybe illegal...I'll bet silver to schekels...an afternoon nod during Sunday service would go unnoticed...what with all that throat clearing gobbledegook incorporated into the Jewish language...Momma herself could go to Temple and they wouldn't know she was snoring until everyone else up and left...as a matter of fact...the first time she broke the sound barrier...they'd mistake it for the Second Coming of Christ and run Helter Skelter thru the streets...headed for home to make sure they have enough saved to pay off Peter at the pearly gates...and as always...my intuitive mind would find a way to circumvent the religious legal system they have intact...I'd probably be kicked out of Israel quicker than a Trick-or-Treater dressed as a Hitler youth during Halloween...and I wouldn't even hafta pick my nasal passage one single time...(now I know you're more than likely wondering why???)...it's simple really...I would employ the great Southern tradition of utilizing what is commonly called a Farmer's Hanky...knuckle off a nostril...tilt your head to the sky...take a deep breath...and let it fly...I'd be shovelled into the street before the first sprays of snot settled on the Sabbatical Altar...but that's how I roll...always ready to find new ways of 'fingering' the flaws of faulty laws...(I also know most of you think I'm joking...that I wouldn't really do such a thing)...and about that you couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a Caesar salad at Kumbuka's Cannibal Kitchen...I wouldn't do it out of spite...or for humor...I'd do it for the same reason anyone exposes a flawed system...so they could better prepare themselves for the future...that and to see the facial expressions of those who are offended...if only to explain I find myself equally offended at their ignorance for NOT including all parameters pertaining to excavating an individuals unwanted clogged nasal drippings...as for those little morons over at the mosque...I'd teach them a whole new torture technique...specifically geared towards future terrorists... called Blowing your Beak with Bottlerockets...because here's the thing...if you're gonna grow up to be a suicide bomber...I wanna make sure you get plenty of practice...and believe me...I will provide enough material to make sure you get it right...probably NOT the first time...but eventually...the first time you stop convulsing on the floor...foaming at the mouth...attempt to breathe out of your ear canal...and I can't find a pulse for four months...you pass the class...give me 12 months in Israel and they'll let you pick your nose in public 7 days a week...while worshipping witches...if you so choose...because once I get thru with them...they'll choose Boogers over Bombs...every-f**kin'-day...THUMP...THUMP!!!
02/22/12
Winston Churchill was born in a ladie's room during a dance...
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
Really??? So England's Greatest contribution to involving America in WWII was coughed up in a crapper...seems fitting since he really didn't accomplish shit singlehandedly...I may need a refresher course in military strategy...but isn't getting your country bombed back to the Stone Ages...before begging your biggest ally for support generally considered FAILURE...I don't get it...the guy gave great speeches...when he wasn't st..st..st..stuttering...had he NOT been born into the arisocratic family of the Dukes of Marlborough...he NEVER would have been appointed Prime Minister...when you hafta beg...borrow...and steal the soldiers and pilots of your allies to obtain victory over your adversary...you might need to reflect on the intestinal fortitude of your fellow countrymen...I know what some of you are thinking...(but Kevin aren't we just as guilty of asking for assistance...compiling international coalitions to combat our enemies)...hardly...we allow them to climb on board so that they can feel important at an International level while we continue to covertly attempt to rule the world...if we were casting votes for the world's Hall of Fame for Super Powers...England and France would hafta split a vote just to be mentioned...neither of these two countries could fight for air if they were playing water polo in an empty pool...they have NO business bothering with the complexities involved in combat...you hafta go back centuries to find a war either country waged and won without the assistance of allies...(I can hear it now...somebody amongst you considers themselves well versed in British History...and is...no doubt...at this very moment...prepared to remind us all of The Falklands War)...Bravo!!! Golly good old chap...and all that happy horseshit...they fought the Argentine Army and Air Force...you remember those hostile...well respected warmongers from South America...the same ones who hadn't engaged in armed conflict since 1880...the whole Falklands War lasted 74 days...and took place in 1982...England sent a naval task force to retake the island...I woulda sent Bubba...two of his buddies...and a bassboat full of beer...they'd kicked the shit outta the Argentine Armed Forces in a little more than a long afternoon...Britain is...and has been a monumental mockery when it comes to military affairs...I hate when history misconstrues a segment of the past to the point it praises some tea-sippin'...sissy assed...sally boy who is undeserving of the credit bestowed upon them...I don't know much about British History...or Winston Churchill for that matter...NOR do I care too...studying the epic failures of forgotten foreign sovereignties is not my specialty...what I do know is that in during the Revolutionary War the British Army as well as it's Navy got their asses handed to them in a ten gallon hat...by a buncha disgruntled farmers...who by the way just so happened to be former countrymen...or the offspring thereof...then their was WWI...a 4 year war during which Britain lost a vast majority of it's wealth...suffered horrendous casualties...and surrendered it's place as the leading super power of the world...wanna guess who was First Lord of the Admiralty during WWI...that same blowhard mentioned in the tidbit itself...WWII comes along...and guess what??? Great Britain is gettin' it's ass kicked again...this is where it gets interesting...the German Luftwaffe is mercilessly bombing the hell outta England...demonstrating air superiority over it's adversary...and to what position do they appoint Mr. Churchill...once again he becomes the First Lord of the Admiralty...from the outbreak of war...they give him control of the water forces to fight the invading air forces...there's a military acronym for this method of magnifying mayhem...WTF!!! and here's where it gets interesting...and actually ruffles my asshairs a bit more than a stiff breeze blowing across my blanket while I sunbathe in the buff...shortly after WWII...war historians give Churchill credit for pushing Parliament for the rearmament of the RAF and turning the tide of the war...resulting in an Allied Victory...NOW maybe I've missed a thing or two in my lifetime...I wasn't around during WWII...don't pretend to have all the facts...but I dare venture to verbalize my own humble opinion regarding Winston Churchill's illustrious war record...If it weren't for a few good old boys named Bradley...Eisenhower...and Patton...Churchill woulda died of old age speaking German...and that piece of shit parcel of rock known as England would be flying a different flag as we speak...you wanna know why England isn't the 51st member of the United States...it sits too close to France...and on a warm summer's day...with the wind blowing in the right direction...you can damn near choke on the overpowering aroma of fear...I won't lie to ya...I must digress...WWII was our countries Greatest Moment...in a military manner of speaking...the country unified...supported the soldiers...supported the war effort and what we were trying to accomplish...the liberation of people from the hands of tyranny...we haven't done much since...drew a DO NOT CROSS line in the dirt over in Korea...lost a shitload of good american men in Vietnam for no apparent reason...some hit and miss missions in the middle east during the '80's...and now this...unfinished... unresolved...impending disaster in Iraq...don't get me wrong...I support my brothers and sisters in arms...even if I disagree with how the government deploys them...when does it end??? 10 years of bloodshed...NOT one single WMD to show for it...for f**ks sake...find a damn cave and show me drawing of a WMD...toy with me a bit...keep me believing there's still a valid reason for our soldiers' sacrifice...next will be Iran...because they might have intentions of developing more than nuclear energy...which proves the ignorance of the current regime in control of Iran...claim you're a changed country...that you embrace Democracy...10 years from now you can build your nuclear weapons on our dime...it isn't that hard to figure out...our civilian leaders aren't near as savvy as the ones we will send to shoot you...and as far as England and France are concerned...our future alliance with either of them in regards to armed conflict should be determined thru a coin flip...just 1...like at the start of a football game...Heads...we help them...Tails...let them get taken...together they're worth about as much as a wet fart at the water cooler when it comes to war...OH STOP...sometimes truth hasta be delivered brutally...Churchill better have thanked his lucky stars he had a 'Sir' in front of his name instead of an 'Herr'...porkbellied little primate could've ended up watching a parade of short stachioed shitheads stomping thru the Royal Palace!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
02/21/12
The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for 'penis'...
That's GREAT...if you're using Korean television ratings to determine how awful a spin-off series can be when you involve the wrong cast of characters...but HEY...look on the bright side...at least somebody watched it...which should make the people at Fox News as giddy as a goosestepper at a GOP Convention...eventually their propanganda programming has a shot at being rated above sewer spill-over levels of acceptability...I'd be willing to bet only the pilot program of Joani Loves Chachi had any ratings whatsoever in Korea...as soon as they found out Joanie wasn't the Jewish term for 'Hot Naked Korean Housewives'...and that Scott Baio was more of a penis than the pecker in their pants...they turned the station...either that...or there's only one Korean with a TV and that was the only channel...this little tidbit does however bode well for failed pilot programs out of Hollywood...can't get an audience in the States...toss the word 'Chachi' into the title and you'll have an instant Korean Showstopper...you could bring back some of the older programs we watched as kids and make a mint...series like...'The Chachi's of Hazzard'...'The Six Million Dollar Chachi'...'Leave it to Chachi'...(altho replacing the Beaver with a Chachi might confuse young minds about their future selections regarding personal sexuality)...'Chachi's Angels'...a buncha hot female detectives taking orders from some dick hidden in a dungeon speaking thru a box...'The Chachi Van Dyke Show'...hey you say Dick...I say Chachi...same thing right??? 'Chachi's Heroes'...a buncha dildo's bouncin around in a box lookin for a way out...'I Dream of Chachi'...a gay rights activist series where Segfried and Roy take turns poppin outta the bottle...'Little Chachi on the Fairie'...how early settler's dealt with homosexuality...'Chachi Five-O'...Pecker's in Paradise..."Welcome Back Chachi"...a show with so many thoughtless thespians I'm thurprised Dubya didn't play a recurring character...(BONUS QUESTION: Who knows the name of the comedian that played Wally 'The Wow' as a member of the Sweathogs???)... Anybody??? Nobody??? George Carlin...okay...so onward and upward...Chachi P.I. ...a story about another Prick in Paradise who works as a 'private dick'...or you could go way back and redo shows like...'Lost in Chachi'...STRANGER...STRANGER...WILL ROBINSON...that's yourrr sisssss terrrr (as the Robot shuts down)...The Three Chachi's...an American vaudevillian comedy show featuring 3 tallywhackers tumbling all over each other utilizing slapstick humor...'Chachismoke'...an old western series about pistols and peckers poppin' off wherever they pointed them...you could OWN Korean Prime Time Television for decades...I don't get it honestly...Scott Baio sucked so bad at acting he probably still gets called 'Chachi' in public...and Joanie was so plain and homely if she had worn clothes that matched the couch in the Cunningham Castle you'd've never known she was there...I mean hell even John Travolta got another shot at a role after playing 'Vinnie'...what did Scott Baio get...a star outside Korea's Chachiwood Walk of Fame... WHOOPEE...seriously...it says alot about your career choice as an actor when you were so completely forgettable you didn't even make enough money to develop a drug habit...Joanie wasn't any better...she had the sex appeal of a freshly sheared sasquatch...I suppose it coulda been worse...the spin-off coulda been titled 'Ralph and Potsies Playtime'...I'm actually thinking of writing a book now that I have had the pleasure of perusing this tidbit today...I have a working title in mind...as well as a subtitle...'The Chachi Chronicles'...'a Korean Cock Tale'...it'll profile people who should have 'acted' like sheep and gotten the flock outta Hollywood...you know...like Roman Polanski did after the Manson Murders...(too far...sue me...my pocket lint's worth more than money)...I'll follow it up with...'A Trilogy of Chachi's'...in which we will examine 3 seperate career fields populated with the most promisingly pompous...proud to be a peckerhead...prick toothed puppets plodding the planet...will they reach unbeforeseen weeks standing atop the NY Times Best Seller List...I couldn't care less...I plan on selling a million copies overnight...just south of the DMZ...and guess what??? If the International Exchange rate isn't tilted in my favor by the time both books are published...I'll change my name...pack my bags...move to South Korea...and become King Long Dong Chachi...The Royal Richard Cranium...Prince of Pole Polishing...Swami of Salami Slappin'...Choker of Chickens...the peasants will parade by my palacial plantation hoping to procure a peep at a penis...and what will I show them...these faitful who flock to fascinate over a phallus...a life size photo of Scott Baio wearing a Tony Romo jersey...Two Pricks for the Price of One!!!
That's GREAT...if you're using Korean television ratings to determine how awful a spin-off series can be when you involve the wrong cast of characters...but HEY...look on the bright side...at least somebody watched it...which should make the people at Fox News as giddy as a goosestepper at a GOP Convention...eventually their propanganda programming has a shot at being rated above sewer spill-over levels of acceptability...I'd be willing to bet only the pilot program of Joani Loves Chachi had any ratings whatsoever in Korea...as soon as they found out Joanie wasn't the Jewish term for 'Hot Naked Korean Housewives'...and that Scott Baio was more of a penis than the pecker in their pants...they turned the station...either that...or there's only one Korean with a TV and that was the only channel...this little tidbit does however bode well for failed pilot programs out of Hollywood...can't get an audience in the States...toss the word 'Chachi' into the title and you'll have an instant Korean Showstopper...you could bring back some of the older programs we watched as kids and make a mint...series like...'The Chachi's of Hazzard'...'The Six Million Dollar Chachi'...'Leave it to Chachi'...(altho replacing the Beaver with a Chachi might confuse young minds about their future selections regarding personal sexuality)...'Chachi's Angels'...a buncha hot female detectives taking orders from some dick hidden in a dungeon speaking thru a box...'The Chachi Van Dyke Show'...hey you say Dick...I say Chachi...same thing right??? 'Chachi's Heroes'...a buncha dildo's bouncin around in a box lookin for a way out...'I Dream of Chachi'...a gay rights activist series where Segfried and Roy take turns poppin outta the bottle...'Little Chachi on the Fairie'...how early settler's dealt with homosexuality...'Chachi Five-O'...Pecker's in Paradise..."Welcome Back Chachi"...a show with so many thoughtless thespians I'm thurprised Dubya didn't play a recurring character...(BONUS QUESTION: Who knows the name of the comedian that played Wally 'The Wow' as a member of the Sweathogs???)... Anybody??? Nobody??? George Carlin...okay...so onward and upward...Chachi P.I. ...a story about another Prick in Paradise who works as a 'private dick'...or you could go way back and redo shows like...'Lost in Chachi'...STRANGER...STRANGER...WILL ROBINSON...that's yourrr sisssss terrrr (as the Robot shuts down)...The Three Chachi's...an American vaudevillian comedy show featuring 3 tallywhackers tumbling all over each other utilizing slapstick humor...'Chachismoke'...an old western series about pistols and peckers poppin' off wherever they pointed them...you could OWN Korean Prime Time Television for decades...I don't get it honestly...Scott Baio sucked so bad at acting he probably still gets called 'Chachi' in public...and Joanie was so plain and homely if she had worn clothes that matched the couch in the Cunningham Castle you'd've never known she was there...I mean hell even John Travolta got another shot at a role after playing 'Vinnie'...what did Scott Baio get...a star outside Korea's Chachiwood Walk of Fame... WHOOPEE...seriously...it says alot about your career choice as an actor when you were so completely forgettable you didn't even make enough money to develop a drug habit...Joanie wasn't any better...she had the sex appeal of a freshly sheared sasquatch...I suppose it coulda been worse...the spin-off coulda been titled 'Ralph and Potsies Playtime'...I'm actually thinking of writing a book now that I have had the pleasure of perusing this tidbit today...I have a working title in mind...as well as a subtitle...'The Chachi Chronicles'...'a Korean Cock Tale'...it'll profile people who should have 'acted' like sheep and gotten the flock outta Hollywood...you know...like Roman Polanski did after the Manson Murders...(too far...sue me...my pocket lint's worth more than money)...I'll follow it up with...'A Trilogy of Chachi's'...in which we will examine 3 seperate career fields populated with the most promisingly pompous...proud to be a peckerhead...prick toothed puppets plodding the planet...will they reach unbeforeseen weeks standing atop the NY Times Best Seller List...I couldn't care less...I plan on selling a million copies overnight...just south of the DMZ...and guess what??? If the International Exchange rate isn't tilted in my favor by the time both books are published...I'll change my name...pack my bags...move to South Korea...and become King Long Dong Chachi...The Royal Richard Cranium...Prince of Pole Polishing...Swami of Salami Slappin'...Choker of Chickens...the peasants will parade by my palacial plantation hoping to procure a peep at a penis...and what will I show them...these faitful who flock to fascinate over a phallus...a life size photo of Scott Baio wearing a Tony Romo jersey...Two Pricks for the Price of One!!!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
02/20/12
Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel...
I can think of a few other things in life that share a similar trait with the Revolver...Politicians are seldom able to be silenced...and if ya think the noisy gasses escaping the gap at the rear of the barrel on a revolver are loud...listen to one of these turdmongers trip the light fantastic...most of them have subliminal tapes they recorded themselves just so they can listen to themselves while they sleep...Over enthusiastic Legal Counsel...they're another buncha noisy gas passin' blowhards...if you get one of these things to quiet down prior to dying...be sure to annotate your procedures accordingly...as the Roman Catholic Church requires some sort of documentation in order to be cannonized a saint...my ass after a spicy Mexican meal...unable to be silenced at all...believe me I've tried...remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea...picture me with 10 King size mattresses strapped to my ass...and it still registers at 79 decibels...slightly lower than...someone who shall remain cloaked in secrecy...and their purported snoring capability...my children...who seem to think that the entire world revolves around them...and fire off excuses louder and quicker than last years Quick Draw Champion and his favorite six shooter...and just for the record...I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's assessment of the quieting capabilities of a revolver...I don't own a revolver presently...alth I have in the past...and I'll be completely honest with you...the best way to silence any weapon is NOT to load it...remarkably it takes on the identical charcter traits of a knick knack...pretty to look at...nice conversation piece...completely quiet whether in use or just lying around...and if you don't think it's still an effective weapon without ammo...you've obviously NEVER seen Mr. Wayne or Eastwood pistol whip some poor underpaid immigrant actor...and on a pertinent side note...revolvers are kinda like the moped...an outdated source of meeting in the middle...the moped bridges the gap between a pedal bike and a REAL motorcycle...much the same way a revolver bridges the gap between throwing stones and an automatic weapon...NOBODY uses these things anymore except out of absolute neccessity...you show up to a gunfight in this day and age...toting a revolver...and you may as well purchase a plot and get your headstone ready...you're NOT gonna be with us much longer...and I'm sure there are a few wizards of weaponry who would disagree...however most Native American historians will attest that a single fire arrow slinger was ineffective against the revolver as well as the first repeating rifle...the sad thing is...it takes far less to silence the greatest weapons of the known world...quite often it is accomplished thru defamation of character...corrupt methods of government...and as a last resort...solitary confinement...keeping those gifted with the ability of inception under wraps...or publishing sufficient bullshit material to dispute an otherwise lucid...logical thought process...it is all too common that the things needing to be silenced the most are often the loudest...most annoyingly obnoxious...gas passin' assbags to ever unneccessarily deplete the world's oxygen reserves...you have NO idea how long I have been working on my lifelong invention...the Moron Muffling System...similar to a silencer for weapons other than a revolver...you jam it down the throat of somebody desperately needing a definitive solution to spilling shit all over their shirt when they attempt to orate in public or private...once I get the damn thing perfected I'm going to offer it with other products I have in mind...in escalating packages...kinda like your local cable company and their affinity for overusing the term 'BUNDLE'...you can get just the MMS for 3 monthly installments of $1399.99...(that's $1400.00 for those of you who happen to fall for the everpresent attribute associated with misleading a consumer during the sales process)...or you can upgrade to the MMS with what I intend to label the Linguistic Liason...a device specifically suited for those still suffering from misunderstanding the stupidity ingrained in deciphering Dubya-isms...the MMS/LL package can be yours today for the low low price of 3 monthly installments of $1599.99...(PLEASE...don't make me do the math again...I toldja already it'sa trick...try and keep up)...and finally I will offer a third invention called the Intervention Interpreter...(Do people often look dazed...confused...confounded...everytime you open your garbage spewing gullet to speechify about a subject???) Then the Intervention Interpreter is right up your alley...it takes the mind wandering waste produced by the anal-optic nerve and translates it into a truth formula capable of being realized by every 2 legged thinking terra treader...the MMS/LL/II system is being offered as a one time opportunity NOT to be missed...we've priced this product so low even socially unacceptable sock puppets can participate for mere pennies on the dollar...(which btw just increased in value...the penny...NOT the dollar...it now costs in excess of 2 cents to mint a single cent...and yet all those Harvard/Yale Economics graduates employed in that government sector can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this useless f**kin' financial eyesore)...normally...similar products of this magnitude retail for $1,999.99...but you won't hafta pay anywhere near that price if you click the button below and select your method of payment today...your 3 monthly installments of $665.99 should set your mind at ease...you also get our 30 day Triple Your Money Back Guarantee...the first of it's kind in the industry...if you're NOT completely satisfied...I mean 100%...without a doubt happy asa hell with this product....simply return it in it's UNOPENED package for a full...NO questions asked refund of triple your purchase price...all returns must be postmarked for return within 37 days of placing your order...please allow 45-60 days for arrival of merchandise...altho your credit card will be charged immediately...pending approval of proprietor...all applicants are subject to the approval process...(which means that if I determine you to be a dipshitted dunderhead all bets are off)...those who don't qualify can call our Customer Service Center for a rapid refund...that number is 1-800- F**k Me Runnin'...leave a detailed message and someone will return your call within the next 60 business days...excluding weekends...holidays...and days I call in sick...if you haven't received your promised material...or a refund at your request...within one calendar year from date of purchase...write it off on your taxes as a loss...what the hell...if big business can do it...I'm sure you can find an accountant to assist in your unethical endeavors at recompensation...(don't know what to think now...do ya??? Left ya a little speechless...didn't it??? Aside from a bit of laughter...a chuckle here and there...I'll bet it's so quiet you could here a pin drop) Silenced the crowd and the only things revolving were the wheels in your head...now...for those of you who completely missed the purpose of this piss poor punctuated paragraph...please send payment in the form of a Cashier's Check/Money Order...(sorry for the inconvenience...but as the saying goes...In God We Trust...All Others Cough Up Cash...and those 2 methods are as close to cash as you can get without a counterfeiting contraption...you can make them payable to the Forefather of Freeing Mindless Meatsacks from the Mortal Coil...at the following address...101 I Can't Believe I Just Got Assbanged Again Avenue...Suite BS (that's for Brittany Spears...NOT Bull Shit)...also known as the 'Ooops I Did It Again' Atrium...Mortified Like A Mad Bastard, Michigan 499.99!!!
I can think of a few other things in life that share a similar trait with the Revolver...Politicians are seldom able to be silenced...and if ya think the noisy gasses escaping the gap at the rear of the barrel on a revolver are loud...listen to one of these turdmongers trip the light fantastic...most of them have subliminal tapes they recorded themselves just so they can listen to themselves while they sleep...Over enthusiastic Legal Counsel...they're another buncha noisy gas passin' blowhards...if you get one of these things to quiet down prior to dying...be sure to annotate your procedures accordingly...as the Roman Catholic Church requires some sort of documentation in order to be cannonized a saint...my ass after a spicy Mexican meal...unable to be silenced at all...believe me I've tried...remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea...picture me with 10 King size mattresses strapped to my ass...and it still registers at 79 decibels...slightly lower than...someone who shall remain cloaked in secrecy...and their purported snoring capability...my children...who seem to think that the entire world revolves around them...and fire off excuses louder and quicker than last years Quick Draw Champion and his favorite six shooter...and just for the record...I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's assessment of the quieting capabilities of a revolver...I don't own a revolver presently...alth I have in the past...and I'll be completely honest with you...the best way to silence any weapon is NOT to load it...remarkably it takes on the identical charcter traits of a knick knack...pretty to look at...nice conversation piece...completely quiet whether in use or just lying around...and if you don't think it's still an effective weapon without ammo...you've obviously NEVER seen Mr. Wayne or Eastwood pistol whip some poor underpaid immigrant actor...and on a pertinent side note...revolvers are kinda like the moped...an outdated source of meeting in the middle...the moped bridges the gap between a pedal bike and a REAL motorcycle...much the same way a revolver bridges the gap between throwing stones and an automatic weapon...NOBODY uses these things anymore except out of absolute neccessity...you show up to a gunfight in this day and age...toting a revolver...and you may as well purchase a plot and get your headstone ready...you're NOT gonna be with us much longer...and I'm sure there are a few wizards of weaponry who would disagree...however most Native American historians will attest that a single fire arrow slinger was ineffective against the revolver as well as the first repeating rifle...the sad thing is...it takes far less to silence the greatest weapons of the known world...quite often it is accomplished thru defamation of character...corrupt methods of government...and as a last resort...solitary confinement...keeping those gifted with the ability of inception under wraps...or publishing sufficient bullshit material to dispute an otherwise lucid...logical thought process...it is all too common that the things needing to be silenced the most are often the loudest...most annoyingly obnoxious...gas passin' assbags to ever unneccessarily deplete the world's oxygen reserves...you have NO idea how long I have been working on my lifelong invention...the Moron Muffling System...similar to a silencer for weapons other than a revolver...you jam it down the throat of somebody desperately needing a definitive solution to spilling shit all over their shirt when they attempt to orate in public or private...once I get the damn thing perfected I'm going to offer it with other products I have in mind...in escalating packages...kinda like your local cable company and their affinity for overusing the term 'BUNDLE'...you can get just the MMS for 3 monthly installments of $1399.99...(that's $1400.00 for those of you who happen to fall for the everpresent attribute associated with misleading a consumer during the sales process)...or you can upgrade to the MMS with what I intend to label the Linguistic Liason...a device specifically suited for those still suffering from misunderstanding the stupidity ingrained in deciphering Dubya-isms...the MMS/LL package can be yours today for the low low price of 3 monthly installments of $1599.99...(PLEASE...don't make me do the math again...I toldja already it'sa trick...try and keep up)...and finally I will offer a third invention called the Intervention Interpreter...(Do people often look dazed...confused...confounded...everytime you open your garbage spewing gullet to speechify about a subject???) Then the Intervention Interpreter is right up your alley...it takes the mind wandering waste produced by the anal-optic nerve and translates it into a truth formula capable of being realized by every 2 legged thinking terra treader...the MMS/LL/II system is being offered as a one time opportunity NOT to be missed...we've priced this product so low even socially unacceptable sock puppets can participate for mere pennies on the dollar...(which btw just increased in value...the penny...NOT the dollar...it now costs in excess of 2 cents to mint a single cent...and yet all those Harvard/Yale Economics graduates employed in that government sector can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this useless f**kin' financial eyesore)...normally...similar products of this magnitude retail for $1,999.99...but you won't hafta pay anywhere near that price if you click the button below and select your method of payment today...your 3 monthly installments of $665.99 should set your mind at ease...you also get our 30 day Triple Your Money Back Guarantee...the first of it's kind in the industry...if you're NOT completely satisfied...I mean 100%...without a doubt happy asa hell with this product....simply return it in it's UNOPENED package for a full...NO questions asked refund of triple your purchase price...all returns must be postmarked for return within 37 days of placing your order...please allow 45-60 days for arrival of merchandise...altho your credit card will be charged immediately...pending approval of proprietor...all applicants are subject to the approval process...(which means that if I determine you to be a dipshitted dunderhead all bets are off)...those who don't qualify can call our Customer Service Center for a rapid refund...that number is 1-800- F**k Me Runnin'...leave a detailed message and someone will return your call within the next 60 business days...excluding weekends...holidays...and days I call in sick...if you haven't received your promised material...or a refund at your request...within one calendar year from date of purchase...write it off on your taxes as a loss...what the hell...if big business can do it...I'm sure you can find an accountant to assist in your unethical endeavors at recompensation...(don't know what to think now...do ya??? Left ya a little speechless...didn't it??? Aside from a bit of laughter...a chuckle here and there...I'll bet it's so quiet you could here a pin drop) Silenced the crowd and the only things revolving were the wheels in your head...now...for those of you who completely missed the purpose of this piss poor punctuated paragraph...please send payment in the form of a Cashier's Check/Money Order...(sorry for the inconvenience...but as the saying goes...In God We Trust...All Others Cough Up Cash...and those 2 methods are as close to cash as you can get without a counterfeiting contraption...you can make them payable to the Forefather of Freeing Mindless Meatsacks from the Mortal Coil...at the following address...101 I Can't Believe I Just Got Assbanged Again Avenue...Suite BS (that's for Brittany Spears...NOT Bull Shit)...also known as the 'Ooops I Did It Again' Atrium...Mortified Like A Mad Bastard, Michigan 499.99!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
02/17/12
In Massachusetts it is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder...
Good for them...it's supposed to be white...thick...and creamy...NOT...red...runny...and revolting...it's those famous mariners from Manhattan that think the shit's supposed to be red...it's really NOT that hard to understand...tomatoes weren't meant to be eaten...they're still in the larval stage...just look at all that junk in there...you let that thing sit around in a cocoon long enough it'll morph into a something pretty with wings...I've had an on again off again relationship with maters...didn't start actually eating them until a few years ago...and only in certain forms...diced tomatoes...with all that seedy, snotty shit scraped out...tomato sauce when it's used on pizza...or over spaghetti...and that's about it...maybe some shrimp cocktail sauce on occassion...but you can keep that other shit the hell away from me...stewed tomatoes and I will NEVER share a supper setting again...that shit ain't right...besides...who wants a big steaming hot bowl of reddish colored chowder that smells like fish...I AIN"T TOUCHIN' IT...I don't care what kinda cancer it might cure...or how much money you're offering me...I have one steadfast...non-retractable rule when it comes to relaxing with my repast...it CANNOT be red...runny...and offensive to the smell of dead fish...I'll put a hurtin' on a bowl of chili...or tomato soup when I have one of those...'trip down memory lane...just like Momma used to make'...moments...but it doesn't smell like dirty socks...3 day old underwear...and last Friday's leftovers from the Philippino Fish Market over on 4th...I very seldom ever need the knowledge of an edibles ingredients prior to partaking of them for nourishment...sight and smell tend to do the necessary assesment for me...and if I still have doubts...I wait til Momma is dead asleep...in full earthquake causing snore...and I slide a plate of whatever's perplexing me...just beneath her nose...if she coughs herself conscious...probably not something I'm gonna enjoy eating...however if she simply snorts...swallows...and rolls over back to sleep smackin her lips...I know it's gonna be temptuosly tasty...seriously...got my first taste of kimchee that way...we were livin in Hawai'i...Momma fell asleep on the patio outside the Hale Koa Hotel...sunk a cruise ship full of Koreans just off the coast of Kauai with one of her sonarous snores...all that was left was seaweed and fermented cabbage...can't say the same for clam chowder...had to dive into that one on my own...and it's a damn good thing it was the New England version...because I probably NEVER woulda tried anything else that dealt with shellfish had it been the crappy clam chowder kind...the debate over the color of clam chowder is as old as the game of baseball itself...(baseball you say...hmmm...do tell...what does the color of a person's preference for clam chowder hafta do with baseball)...NOTTA damn thing...neither do tomatoes...but you started it...seriously tho...I probably have the least amount of room to bitch about a person's dietary dysfunctions...I've put stuff together that would make most people cringe...being a Blue Cheese Champion connossieur myself...I add it to all kinds of things...Chili...(don't roll your eyes...Kevin's Cajun Blue Cheese Chili is the bomb!)...I've added it to my Dirty Rice Recipe...tossed it into taco's...my next adventure involves mashed potatoes...buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese crumbles...laugh all you want...at least I won't need the fish smell filtering gas mask on to chew my food...look...here's the basic rule of thumb when considering wheter or not to consume a cleverly disguised concoction...does it offend the 4 out 5 senses required to keep an open mind while engaging the mastication process...in other words...does it LOOK...SMELL...TASTE...or FEEL like it has the proprietary possibility to gag more maggots than hot garbage??? Don't try it then...whaddaya tryin to prove...who can launch their lunch longer distances than Linda Blair??? Far be it from me to forbid you the freedom of figuring out your favorite food groups...NOBODY has ever been made famous did so making Manhattan Clam Chowder...but Emeril did make a Blue Cheese Ice Cream...so BAM...(what now bitches!)...LOL...ENJOY your weekend!
Good for them...it's supposed to be white...thick...and creamy...NOT...red...runny...and revolting...it's those famous mariners from Manhattan that think the shit's supposed to be red...it's really NOT that hard to understand...tomatoes weren't meant to be eaten...they're still in the larval stage...just look at all that junk in there...you let that thing sit around in a cocoon long enough it'll morph into a something pretty with wings...I've had an on again off again relationship with maters...didn't start actually eating them until a few years ago...and only in certain forms...diced tomatoes...with all that seedy, snotty shit scraped out...tomato sauce when it's used on pizza...or over spaghetti...and that's about it...maybe some shrimp cocktail sauce on occassion...but you can keep that other shit the hell away from me...stewed tomatoes and I will NEVER share a supper setting again...that shit ain't right...besides...who wants a big steaming hot bowl of reddish colored chowder that smells like fish...I AIN"T TOUCHIN' IT...I don't care what kinda cancer it might cure...or how much money you're offering me...I have one steadfast...non-retractable rule when it comes to relaxing with my repast...it CANNOT be red...runny...and offensive to the smell of dead fish...I'll put a hurtin' on a bowl of chili...or tomato soup when I have one of those...'trip down memory lane...just like Momma used to make'...moments...but it doesn't smell like dirty socks...3 day old underwear...and last Friday's leftovers from the Philippino Fish Market over on 4th...I very seldom ever need the knowledge of an edibles ingredients prior to partaking of them for nourishment...sight and smell tend to do the necessary assesment for me...and if I still have doubts...I wait til Momma is dead asleep...in full earthquake causing snore...and I slide a plate of whatever's perplexing me...just beneath her nose...if she coughs herself conscious...probably not something I'm gonna enjoy eating...however if she simply snorts...swallows...and rolls over back to sleep smackin her lips...I know it's gonna be temptuosly tasty...seriously...got my first taste of kimchee that way...we were livin in Hawai'i...Momma fell asleep on the patio outside the Hale Koa Hotel...sunk a cruise ship full of Koreans just off the coast of Kauai with one of her sonarous snores...all that was left was seaweed and fermented cabbage...can't say the same for clam chowder...had to dive into that one on my own...and it's a damn good thing it was the New England version...because I probably NEVER woulda tried anything else that dealt with shellfish had it been the crappy clam chowder kind...the debate over the color of clam chowder is as old as the game of baseball itself...(baseball you say...hmmm...do tell...what does the color of a person's preference for clam chowder hafta do with baseball)...NOTTA damn thing...neither do tomatoes...but you started it...seriously tho...I probably have the least amount of room to bitch about a person's dietary dysfunctions...I've put stuff together that would make most people cringe...being a Blue Cheese Champion connossieur myself...I add it to all kinds of things...Chili...(don't roll your eyes...Kevin's Cajun Blue Cheese Chili is the bomb!)...I've added it to my Dirty Rice Recipe...tossed it into taco's...my next adventure involves mashed potatoes...buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese crumbles...laugh all you want...at least I won't need the fish smell filtering gas mask on to chew my food...look...here's the basic rule of thumb when considering wheter or not to consume a cleverly disguised concoction...does it offend the 4 out 5 senses required to keep an open mind while engaging the mastication process...in other words...does it LOOK...SMELL...TASTE...or FEEL like it has the proprietary possibility to gag more maggots than hot garbage??? Don't try it then...whaddaya tryin to prove...who can launch their lunch longer distances than Linda Blair??? Far be it from me to forbid you the freedom of figuring out your favorite food groups...NOBODY has ever been made famous did so making Manhattan Clam Chowder...but Emeril did make a Blue Cheese Ice Cream...so BAM...(what now bitches!)...LOL...ENJOY your weekend!
02/16/12
Hang on Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio...
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
Maybe it should be Hang on Stupid...since their state quarter claims they are the birthplace of aviation pioneers...and depicts the Wright Brothers plane as well as an astronaut...only one of the Wright brothers was born in Ohio...the older one was born in Indiana...so shouldn't the Hoosier State get to claim at least partial credit for spawning one of the inventors of aircraft...and even if an astronaut(s) was born in that godawful filthy little suburb of Pennsylvania...I don't seem to recall the Wright Brothers or a Space Shuttle departing from the sewer smelling state south of us...gettin' a little ahead of themselves aren't they...the only thing they have to do with aviation anymore is that we allow them to maintain airports so that those who have seen the light can one day find some way to depart...know what their state motto is??? 'With God all things are possible'...I'm guessin' Jim Tressel isn't on the top of God's list for Sunday School Substitutes...and The Ohio State Alumni better dress for hell...the U.S. Government isn't the only establishment that frowns on cheating...ya little buck-toothed buckeyed bastards...you better pray there isn't a man with a plan upstairs when it's all said and done...otherwise you'll wish you were a urine covered Taliban terrorist rotting in some Marine surrounded trench by the time he gets thru with you...know why Michigan doesn't have an official state rock song??? Because we kick Ohio's ass at damn near everything else except depressing landscape...figured we'd give them some catchy tune to make 'em feel all warm and fuzzy inside...ya know...as much as I wanna depart the State of Michigan for some place more climatically acceptable to my outdoor skin recpetors...I wouldn't wish establishing occupancy in Ohio on anyone...that's just cruel...I mean aside from The Flats down by the river...what has Ohio ever had??? The Drew Carey Show...that's what...and even they shot their little sitcom in some Southern California studio where there was sunlight outside...is it just me...or is it everytime I've had to drive thru that state it's kinda smoggy...grey...dismal...or maybe it's just because I'm speeding thru at night with my lights off...hoping NOT to be noticed by anyone else from the State of Michigan...because y'all are a pleasant bunch when forced to drive at a speed limit below 90...hell I've seen a few of ya look like you're about to burst a f**kin blood vessel if you can't kick it up over 60 for a few seconds...settle down...you're headed east...so depending on your way of looking at things...and taking into consideration the amount of distance you intend to travel...you're either headed into the NOT so distant past...or you're CHARGING into the future...as it will probably take you until tomorrow to crawl thru across that mind numbingly misused motorway...it oughtta be criminal to charge someone a fee to travel at the speed of snails slithering thru quicksand...I've driven thru Ohio on several occassions with Momma...and when I wanna have a cigarette she insists it be outside the car...I can't count the times I've walked ahead to meet her at the next rest area...it's pathetic...Hang on Snoopy as an official state rock song...really??? What's he supposed to hang on to??? There isn't much to grab for when you're motoring right along at the speed of STUPID...ya dumbasses anyway...I'll bet if you conducted a straw poll in that... 'Oh hell NO we ain't smarter than NO 5th grader...Jeff Foxworthy can kiss our ass'...state...95% of females over the age of 18 would probably misidentify a...'Buckeye'...as...'the way your fella looks at ya when he's wantin' to get frisky 'neath the sheets'...and they're NOT even Blonde...damn boneheaded...butt-sniffin'...beggars...(why do I call them that you ask?)...because if I ever came across one of these...'bright as burnt biscuit at the brownie shop' excuses for significant others...they'd hafta kiss my ass...and beg to do it...before they'd even catch my attention...and if anyone is from Ohio and is offended...to be honest with you...so am I...you should take up Deep Sea Scuba Diving in Cement Classes ya chowder headed...four-footed freaks of nature...just because you've learned to walk upright and speak passable english doesn't mean you've fooled the rest of us...Hang on Snoopy...INDEED...I doubt he'd even need to worry about the wind ruffling the little yellow asshair beneath Woodstock's tail feathers...Ohio could lay claim to being something of scientific study...since time seems to stand still in that state...stands to reason they could test their twisted theories on time as it travels into a Black Hole...and maybe then they'd see the tachyons of truth about the time/space continuum...I sure as hell hope I'm still breathin when another intelligent lifeform pops by for an actual visit...grabs all the pompous people with Phd.'s...gets them in single file...all facing forward...then they run down the line giving them the Three Stooges Shemp Slap...isn't Ohio like the state with the biggest population of current day Quakers??? These people rampage down roads slower than the Amish...how the hell did you elect...Hang on Snoopy...as your state song...I have a few suggestions for ewe-f**kin Ohioans...how about AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"...or..."That Smell"...by Lynryd Skynyrd...you should be familiar with them...they were so high on drugs they thought they were the first one's flying airplanes too...turns out they were just as wrong about that as you idiots are...or maybe..."Don't Stop Believin"...by Journey...hey if millions of Diehard Lions fans can believe in eventual triumph...so can you...it's still a quasi-democracy of sorts I suppose...so have at it...don't like that one...how about if we get Bing...Dean...Frank and Sammy to sing..."We gotta get outta this place...if it's the last thing we ever do!"...and we'll throw Jerry Lewis in just to scream during the chorus...we'll schedule an event...set a date...sell tickets...I even know what we'll call it...Crooning for Crotch Lobsters in Canton!!! Hang on Snoopy...sounds like you asshats have been mixing your Kool-Aid with the contents of your colostomy bags for quite some time...you'd be better off sipping raw sewage freshly bottled in the South Mexico city of San Cristobal de las Casas del Caca!!! (And if you need that translated just say the word I'll sashay on over and slap the shit right outta ya...Oh...I'm serious...in public...in front of everyone...don't you do it...put your damn hand down...I mean it...I'll cancel recess and make you all eat your lunches at your desk damn it...bad enough I gotta (trails off mumbling beneath my breath)...gah damn kids these days...can't teach 'em anything...(mutters to myself so only I can hear...[buncha little Buckeye Billy bastards...how the hell did I end up havin' to hound them over having Hang on Snoopy as a state song...makes about as much damn sense as singin' 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' at an all white Neo-Nazi wedding]...wonders if I thought that out loud)...but I guess...what can you expect from our Unfamous Forefathers of Flight!!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
02/15/12
Dublin is the home to the Fairy Investigation Society...
This is much like yesterday's tidbit...No real surprise there...considering it's also home to Alcoholics Synonymous...a group so inebriated they could give a shit less what you sober people think...to them a 12 step program just means there's a bar upstairs too...they drink beer for breakfast...from BIRTH...at least those who are bottle fed...those who are breast fed get a shot of Momma McGuillicutty's Mammory Gland Moonshine...so it's NO damn wonder they have a society dedicated to investigating fairies...they believe in little green garbed leprechaun's too...these people are the only known inhabitants of our planet who are born intoxicated at a molecular level...when it comes to understanding inebriation and it's effects on the body, mind, and soul...you couldn't ask for a better subject to study...this little Fairy Finding Forum probably meets at a different local pub on all days ending in 'y'...probably have their own version of Sasquatch...Half-pint Hairy...only comes out when he's high on hooch...which means he should be a helluvalot easier to find than the imaginary ones being stalked around the forests of America...I hafta admit I'm more than a bit curious which side sponsors this Society...the Catholics or the Protestants...I mean is a Fairy Investigation similar to an Exorcism Investigation...what's the proper protocol for reporting a Fairy Sighting to the Investigating Society...is there an 800 number...who ya gonna call...Fairy Dusters...3 guys show up in a carriage that looks like it could collapse back into a pumpkin at any moment...dressed in tights...wearing wings...and tiara's...(whoops...my bad wrong kind of fairy)...but seriously whaddaya get...3 drunk guys stumble thru your front door...raid the refrigerator...plop down on the couch...watch a wee bit o' the tele...just before they pass out with half a pint of pilsner pouring down their pants... did you know that the average Irish individual excretes enough ethanol by age eleven to be considered at high risk for spontaneous combustion if contained in climates above 80 degrees F...I don't wanna stereotype an entire nation with the stigma of being a band of butt drunk boozehounds but when you're bellyin' up to the bar for one final round before attending Sunday Service with the bland ass biscuit baking bunch...you're toein' the fine line of having a drinkin' problem...ya know what they DON'T see alot of in Dublin...or all of Ireland for that matter...UFO's...and for very good reason...drunk people love to debate...drunk Irish people love to debate flying things...like Fairies and other airborne objects...so it's seldom they don't settle on a satisfactory answer for what they think they saw...kinda confusing isn't it...sorta like all those famous Irish Drinking songs that NOBODY really knows the words too...you know the ones...where they mumble thru the lyrics like they have a mouthful of marbles...'til they get to the chorus...then everybody's an audience and they scream at the top of their lungs..."Oh Danny Boy!'...you could change every word but the chorus and NONE would be the wiser...that's what decades of overindulgence leads to...Chronic Mush Melon Syndrome...times...dates...places...and faces all become a blur...think I'm joking...try sitting across the table from a feeble little old lady who hase been high-ballin' it since just before dawn...just the 2 of you...there isn't another soul within 500 yards...while she calls you by every name except yours...so piss drunk she starts to smell like 3 day old sauerkraut and sausage...which by the way is apparently a highly sought after aphrodisiac in most parts of Ireland...makes ya wonder what's in the water they brew their beer with...don't it??? These are the same group of people who describe haggis as a delicacy...if you can stomach grinding up sheep's liver...heart and lungs and then cramming that into the 'natural casing'...(who do they think they're fooling with this little misnomer...it's a poop chute...a tubular turd tunnel...it's NOT some recently discovered flavorful membrane they just began using)...cooking it over an open flame and then sitting down to a nice big supper of...'I think I'd rather eat sheep shit'...I wouldn't worry much about a few fairy sightings from time to time...you have way too much on your plate as it is!!!
This is much like yesterday's tidbit...No real surprise there...considering it's also home to Alcoholics Synonymous...a group so inebriated they could give a shit less what you sober people think...to them a 12 step program just means there's a bar upstairs too...they drink beer for breakfast...from BIRTH...at least those who are bottle fed...those who are breast fed get a shot of Momma McGuillicutty's Mammory Gland Moonshine...so it's NO damn wonder they have a society dedicated to investigating fairies...they believe in little green garbed leprechaun's too...these people are the only known inhabitants of our planet who are born intoxicated at a molecular level...when it comes to understanding inebriation and it's effects on the body, mind, and soul...you couldn't ask for a better subject to study...this little Fairy Finding Forum probably meets at a different local pub on all days ending in 'y'...probably have their own version of Sasquatch...Half-pint Hairy...only comes out when he's high on hooch...which means he should be a helluvalot easier to find than the imaginary ones being stalked around the forests of America...I hafta admit I'm more than a bit curious which side sponsors this Society...the Catholics or the Protestants...I mean is a Fairy Investigation similar to an Exorcism Investigation...what's the proper protocol for reporting a Fairy Sighting to the Investigating Society...is there an 800 number...who ya gonna call...Fairy Dusters...3 guys show up in a carriage that looks like it could collapse back into a pumpkin at any moment...dressed in tights...wearing wings...and tiara's...(whoops...my bad wrong kind of fairy)...but seriously whaddaya get...3 drunk guys stumble thru your front door...raid the refrigerator...plop down on the couch...watch a wee bit o' the tele...just before they pass out with half a pint of pilsner pouring down their pants... did you know that the average Irish individual excretes enough ethanol by age eleven to be considered at high risk for spontaneous combustion if contained in climates above 80 degrees F...I don't wanna stereotype an entire nation with the stigma of being a band of butt drunk boozehounds but when you're bellyin' up to the bar for one final round before attending Sunday Service with the bland ass biscuit baking bunch...you're toein' the fine line of having a drinkin' problem...ya know what they DON'T see alot of in Dublin...or all of Ireland for that matter...UFO's...and for very good reason...drunk people love to debate...drunk Irish people love to debate flying things...like Fairies and other airborne objects...so it's seldom they don't settle on a satisfactory answer for what they think they saw...kinda confusing isn't it...sorta like all those famous Irish Drinking songs that NOBODY really knows the words too...you know the ones...where they mumble thru the lyrics like they have a mouthful of marbles...'til they get to the chorus...then everybody's an audience and they scream at the top of their lungs..."Oh Danny Boy!'...you could change every word but the chorus and NONE would be the wiser...that's what decades of overindulgence leads to...Chronic Mush Melon Syndrome...times...dates...places...and faces all become a blur...think I'm joking...try sitting across the table from a feeble little old lady who hase been high-ballin' it since just before dawn...just the 2 of you...there isn't another soul within 500 yards...while she calls you by every name except yours...so piss drunk she starts to smell like 3 day old sauerkraut and sausage...which by the way is apparently a highly sought after aphrodisiac in most parts of Ireland...makes ya wonder what's in the water they brew their beer with...don't it??? These are the same group of people who describe haggis as a delicacy...if you can stomach grinding up sheep's liver...heart and lungs and then cramming that into the 'natural casing'...(who do they think they're fooling with this little misnomer...it's a poop chute...a tubular turd tunnel...it's NOT some recently discovered flavorful membrane they just began using)...cooking it over an open flame and then sitting down to a nice big supper of...'I think I'd rather eat sheep shit'...I wouldn't worry much about a few fairy sightings from time to time...you have way too much on your plate as it is!!!
02/14/12
Roman Emporer Caligula made his horse a senator...
Yeah...AND??? I should leave this as the shortest tidbit in history...it should come as NO surprise to anyone even remotely familiar with ancient Roman history that Caligula was the posterboy for clinical insanity long before the term was coined...we employ a variation of the horse...commonly referred to as an ass...all the time in these illustrious positions of power...to say history repeats itself is an understatement...history wouldn't repeat itself if people actually learned from their mistakes...instead of multiplying them like some sorta hybrid nymphomaniac rabbit whore in heat...look at our own recent political history...Dubya...twice...the posterboy for Idiots with Ears...we should utilize more barnyard animals as politicians...they require far less financially for their upkeep...a bale of hay a day will keep the 2 legged idiots at bay...clean-up from catastrophic collapses resulting from constipated collective consciousness would only require a shovel and a wheelbarrow...instead of international coaltions to correct the course...massive loans from Communist backed countries to compensate for failed programs like NAFTA...and the eminence front we hafta put on for the rest of the world so that we appear to have our poop in a group...anyone know a scatologist we could nominate??? Ya know...it's been my opinion for as long as I've been able to think for myself...that politicians shouldn't receive a single f**kin' dime for a salary...compensate them for the annual trips to DC...aside from that...serving the public good should be a voluntary position...I mean doesn't it piss you off that we keep payin' these assholes to do a shitty job...year in...year out...it bothers the shit outta me and I only worked for the government for 4 years in the Air Force...and guess what??? We had a buncha wannabe horse's asses employed in that sector too...know what happens on the low end of the government pay scale when you fuck up on the job...you get demoted...they dock your pay...and give ya shit detail for a month...seems to me that should climb all the way up the government ladder...maybe we should treat these anal bead sniffin' idiots like an old Roman Horse and ride their asses til they drop...you wanna know why farm animals would make better politicians...because they are conditioned to obey verbal as well as physical commands without misinterpreting everything they come across...twisting it to fit their wants and desires...and ending up miles from the desired destination...you put blinders on a politician and that poor ignorant bastard will start runnin around in circles like he has one foot nailed to the floor...a horse will stay on course...straight and narrow...and run right off a cliff if you don't make corrections...if you look at all the idiots we've allowed to ruin our country...massacre our Constitution...abuse the privilege of power...Caligula doesn't look so damn crazy now...does he??? Caligula was eventually assassinated for his shortcomings as an Emporer...something all too often missing in this day and age...NOT that we need to go out and kill anyone in a political position...but I would love to murder the career of each and everyone of them who failed to represent the people who put enough faith and stock in them to show up and cast a vote...strip them of anything with value...realized or fictional...leave them penniless...homeless...and without a job...sound a little harsh??? Damn skippy it's harsh...your ass was elected to represent the well being of thousands...if NOT tens of thousands of fellow countrymen...if even one of the people in your district is jobless or homeless...you FAILED...suffer the consequences...that's why I stand behind the Voluntary Politician Program...it makes way too much sense to ever be taken seriously...here's why it will work...Absence of Money...without profit an individual lacks personal agenda in the field of politics...( I know...I know...'But Kevin...who would run for office if they knew they weren't going to get paid...surely we can't really nominate and elect horses?) I would...because I know how to think outside the box...listen...first year Senators make $174,000.00 for 2011-2012...a majority party leader gets 193,400.00 for 2011-2012...and it is going to continue it's upward escalation...since they have the power to vote themselves a pay increase at any time without a single nod of approval required by any of us NOT filling the position of Senator...up until very recently the POTUS only made $200,000.00 annually...they voted him a raise to $400,000.00 just so they had room to grow in their own pockets without exceeding the salary of the one whose supposed to be in charge...I'm not gonna do the math down to the penny...but here's the jist of it...we're being bilked for roughly 15-18 million a year as taxpayers just for the Senate and President...that's not even taking into account the members of the House of Representatives...who by the way...DO WHAT??? Notta damn thing...NOBODY gives a shit what the House has to say...and they outnumber the Senate...so there's conservatively another what 20-25 million let's say...and holy crap let's NOT even mention State Senates and Houses...so we're into it for 38-43 million easy just at the Federal level...that's alotta f**kin' hay folks...feed a four-legged foal for forty lifetimes...and I don't want to take undue credit for an idea...Benjamin Franklin was the first person...during the Constitutional Convention...who first proposed an all voluntary political post...because even in the earliest days of this country's existence...the corruption of cashflow was evident in those with aspirations of entering into office...it's a FAILED system because we continue to pay taxes...levied against us without our approval...which pays the salaries of those we oppose...you elect somebody into office on a voluntary basis and guess what...they have NO option but to do their damn best to get your points across on the National stage...and if they don't...you send the next best vote-getter to the next session...might take a few tries...it's a new system...bound to have a few kinks and clangs early on but we'd get it ironed out...can you imagine saving the American tax payers well over a 100 million dollars annually just by cutting the salaries of all those positions at both the Federal and State level...probably wouldn't hurt the economy in this country either...payin' these peckerheads is like coughin up all your cash to the hangman just before he drops the lever...it doesn't make any sense...I mean for 100 million dollars...I'd just as soon wave carrots in front of Clydesdales and take my damn chances!!!
Yeah...AND??? I should leave this as the shortest tidbit in history...it should come as NO surprise to anyone even remotely familiar with ancient Roman history that Caligula was the posterboy for clinical insanity long before the term was coined...we employ a variation of the horse...commonly referred to as an ass...all the time in these illustrious positions of power...to say history repeats itself is an understatement...history wouldn't repeat itself if people actually learned from their mistakes...instead of multiplying them like some sorta hybrid nymphomaniac rabbit whore in heat...look at our own recent political history...Dubya...twice...the posterboy for Idiots with Ears...we should utilize more barnyard animals as politicians...they require far less financially for their upkeep...a bale of hay a day will keep the 2 legged idiots at bay...clean-up from catastrophic collapses resulting from constipated collective consciousness would only require a shovel and a wheelbarrow...instead of international coaltions to correct the course...massive loans from Communist backed countries to compensate for failed programs like NAFTA...and the eminence front we hafta put on for the rest of the world so that we appear to have our poop in a group...anyone know a scatologist we could nominate??? Ya know...it's been my opinion for as long as I've been able to think for myself...that politicians shouldn't receive a single f**kin' dime for a salary...compensate them for the annual trips to DC...aside from that...serving the public good should be a voluntary position...I mean doesn't it piss you off that we keep payin' these assholes to do a shitty job...year in...year out...it bothers the shit outta me and I only worked for the government for 4 years in the Air Force...and guess what??? We had a buncha wannabe horse's asses employed in that sector too...know what happens on the low end of the government pay scale when you fuck up on the job...you get demoted...they dock your pay...and give ya shit detail for a month...seems to me that should climb all the way up the government ladder...maybe we should treat these anal bead sniffin' idiots like an old Roman Horse and ride their asses til they drop...you wanna know why farm animals would make better politicians...because they are conditioned to obey verbal as well as physical commands without misinterpreting everything they come across...twisting it to fit their wants and desires...and ending up miles from the desired destination...you put blinders on a politician and that poor ignorant bastard will start runnin around in circles like he has one foot nailed to the floor...a horse will stay on course...straight and narrow...and run right off a cliff if you don't make corrections...if you look at all the idiots we've allowed to ruin our country...massacre our Constitution...abuse the privilege of power...Caligula doesn't look so damn crazy now...does he??? Caligula was eventually assassinated for his shortcomings as an Emporer...something all too often missing in this day and age...NOT that we need to go out and kill anyone in a political position...but I would love to murder the career of each and everyone of them who failed to represent the people who put enough faith and stock in them to show up and cast a vote...strip them of anything with value...realized or fictional...leave them penniless...homeless...and without a job...sound a little harsh??? Damn skippy it's harsh...your ass was elected to represent the well being of thousands...if NOT tens of thousands of fellow countrymen...if even one of the people in your district is jobless or homeless...you FAILED...suffer the consequences...that's why I stand behind the Voluntary Politician Program...it makes way too much sense to ever be taken seriously...here's why it will work...Absence of Money...without profit an individual lacks personal agenda in the field of politics...( I know...I know...'But Kevin...who would run for office if they knew they weren't going to get paid...surely we can't really nominate and elect horses?) I would...because I know how to think outside the box...listen...first year Senators make $174,000.00 for 2011-2012...a majority party leader gets 193,400.00 for 2011-2012...and it is going to continue it's upward escalation...since they have the power to vote themselves a pay increase at any time without a single nod of approval required by any of us NOT filling the position of Senator...up until very recently the POTUS only made $200,000.00 annually...they voted him a raise to $400,000.00 just so they had room to grow in their own pockets without exceeding the salary of the one whose supposed to be in charge...I'm not gonna do the math down to the penny...but here's the jist of it...we're being bilked for roughly 15-18 million a year as taxpayers just for the Senate and President...that's not even taking into account the members of the House of Representatives...who by the way...DO WHAT??? Notta damn thing...NOBODY gives a shit what the House has to say...and they outnumber the Senate...so there's conservatively another what 20-25 million let's say...and holy crap let's NOT even mention State Senates and Houses...so we're into it for 38-43 million easy just at the Federal level...that's alotta f**kin' hay folks...feed a four-legged foal for forty lifetimes...and I don't want to take undue credit for an idea...Benjamin Franklin was the first person...during the Constitutional Convention...who first proposed an all voluntary political post...because even in the earliest days of this country's existence...the corruption of cashflow was evident in those with aspirations of entering into office...it's a FAILED system because we continue to pay taxes...levied against us without our approval...which pays the salaries of those we oppose...you elect somebody into office on a voluntary basis and guess what...they have NO option but to do their damn best to get your points across on the National stage...and if they don't...you send the next best vote-getter to the next session...might take a few tries...it's a new system...bound to have a few kinks and clangs early on but we'd get it ironed out...can you imagine saving the American tax payers well over a 100 million dollars annually just by cutting the salaries of all those positions at both the Federal and State level...probably wouldn't hurt the economy in this country either...payin' these peckerheads is like coughin up all your cash to the hangman just before he drops the lever...it doesn't make any sense...I mean for 100 million dollars...I'd just as soon wave carrots in front of Clydesdales and take my damn chances!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
02/13/12
Scatologists are experts who study feces...(AKA...crap, dung, dookie, dumps, excrement)
I think it's rather funny that the author felt it necessary to explain in laymen's terms the definition of feces...if you're too retarded to understand the word feces...deciphering a moniker like scatologist is way beyond your linguistic ability...so for those of you fumbling around in a fog this morning...scatologists is a really nice way of saying...'shit-sniffer'...where in the sam hell do you obtain a degree in the exploration of dung droppings...I've NEVER seen this offered thru an accredited institution of higher learning...NOT too mention the Yellow Pages...believe me I just checked...Northern Michigan is void of anyone fingering thru fecal matter for the purpose of profit...that's NOT to say there aren't several morons mulling over some after-mastication material...but I doubt they'd qualify as Scatologists...we refer to them as over-enthusiastic...avid hunters...and as much as I hate to admit it...I am/have been related to a few of these famous fecal fondlers...who appear to be absent the logical...cognitive thinking capacity of the cinammon sniffing sector...when coming upon a pile of poo left by some lesser four-legged forest friend they hope to slay for supper...it's NEVER enough for these individuals to simply scan the forest floor looking for shit...NO my dear friends...these pirates of the poop chute pilings feel it necessary to un-glove a hand...grab hold a few of these smelly morsels of butt-mudd and squeeze them between their fingers in an effort to determine how fresh it is...and when the animal in question was last present in the vicinity of vacating itself...NEVERMIND that it has a rather runny appearance...coupled with steam still rising from it...and the animal in question is a mere 50 yards away at the edge of the swamp looking rather perplexed as to why some dipshit dressed in orange camoflage is dumpster diving thru their dookie...that doesn't seem to do it for these wildmen of the Northern Hinterlands of Michigan...every last one of them should be given an honorary scatology degree since most of them return home with shit to show for their effort...Where do you go to find a scatologist...and more importantly...WHY??? How did it become an expertise??? NOT that I have a desire to become a scatologist...I think it would be rather difficult to engage in dinner conversation with colleagues over career fields consisting of clowning around in caca...I'm just curious what kinda locker dwelling dumbass decides they want to pursue a PHD in picking thru poop...I've NEVER found it even remotely necessary to dig thru the doodoo of an animal I intend to serve for supper in order to enjoy my meal...quite the contrary actually...as long as the intestinal tract was kept intact during the removal process...we're good...I mean who employs these purveyors of poo...I suppose I could grasp the concept if shit was a commodity traded on the Stock Exchange with it's own ticker sticker...but it's NOT...and therefore is a foul field of further study best left to our forest friends in order to find out if they've crossed into a plateau occupied by predators...I mean holy shit...I've seldom...if ever...even given a moments notice as to what is contained in my own crapper when I barricade myself in the bathroom for the alloted time it takes to purge my physical being of unneccessary non-nutrient waste and water...let alone considered commandeering the commode closet of a close friend or relative simply to determine what clues their caca coughs up...and I thought I was a sick twisted bastard...guess I'll hafta redefine my understanding of that self-imposed label...the scientific study of shit...good f**kin' thing these idiots don't moonlight on the Sasquatch Hunting Safari...they'd be about as useless as an 8 year old paranormal prodigy...here's a little WWKS enlightment info for ya...I don't have a degree in shit sniffin'...fecal fingering...or poop chute patronization...but I can tell you with absolute certainty that digging around in the dung piles of any other animal...human included...is NOT only unnecessary but should also be outlawed...ya germ spreading Neandrathals...all ya hafta do is LOOK at it...ya don't hafta touch it...dissect it...model around with it like Play-Doh...just take a peek at the poo...if it's runny...perhaps a change in diet is in order...or a trip to the family doctor for a flu shot and some prescription medicinal after-care...if it's solid...you seem fit as a fiddle...don't need ya to bag up a stool sample for your semi-annual checkup...don't need the particulars surrounding the plop plop...splash splash...symphony that accompanied your last visit to the shit cellar...hell ya don't even need to call me for advice...constipated...ex-lax is the answer...got the ass-cramping...please god keep my ass cheeks together for five more minutes while I waddle down the walkway to the water closet...(Come On...some of you are sitting there with that weird look on your face like this has NEVER happened to you)...bet I could find a skidmarkologist to determine different...then you probably need to STOP eating all those f**kin vegetables and add a little meat to your diet...I guess things could be worse...somebody at some point in time has had to have failed the Fecal Flinging Final exam...ended up falling back on their Secondary Studies and graduated with...Oh So Coveted Title of...Turdburglar...always stealing someone elses shit to provide control samples for the CEO's of Crap Catchers Anonymous...that ultra elusive group credited with the discovery of the anal-optic nerve...solely responsible for spreading shitty ideas thruout humanity like it was a freshly plowed field waiting for fertilizer...( I know what you're thinking...how do we spot these connossieurs of caca in a public poo-free place)...They're usually disguised as asshole abducting aliens with abnormally large colon cleansing digits capable of Inter-galactic space travel and imprisonment of the Incestial Inbred...but seriously...xxxxxologists normally refers to someone who has a PHD associated with their title...make sure to read the fine print on that Devry Degree in Determining the Daunting Data Dug-up thru Dabbling in Defecation...it should have 2 small 'o's between the P and H...and as the ancient chinese masters of medicine...the Honorable Hu Flung Dung...and his associate...Y.U. Poo...were so fond of saying...'Neva shake hand of man wif fecal fingers Daniel-san...he don't know SHIT!!!'
I think it's rather funny that the author felt it necessary to explain in laymen's terms the definition of feces...if you're too retarded to understand the word feces...deciphering a moniker like scatologist is way beyond your linguistic ability...so for those of you fumbling around in a fog this morning...scatologists is a really nice way of saying...'shit-sniffer'...where in the sam hell do you obtain a degree in the exploration of dung droppings...I've NEVER seen this offered thru an accredited institution of higher learning...NOT too mention the Yellow Pages...believe me I just checked...Northern Michigan is void of anyone fingering thru fecal matter for the purpose of profit...that's NOT to say there aren't several morons mulling over some after-mastication material...but I doubt they'd qualify as Scatologists...we refer to them as over-enthusiastic...avid hunters...and as much as I hate to admit it...I am/have been related to a few of these famous fecal fondlers...who appear to be absent the logical...cognitive thinking capacity of the cinammon sniffing sector...when coming upon a pile of poo left by some lesser four-legged forest friend they hope to slay for supper...it's NEVER enough for these individuals to simply scan the forest floor looking for shit...NO my dear friends...these pirates of the poop chute pilings feel it necessary to un-glove a hand...grab hold a few of these smelly morsels of butt-mudd and squeeze them between their fingers in an effort to determine how fresh it is...and when the animal in question was last present in the vicinity of vacating itself...NEVERMIND that it has a rather runny appearance...coupled with steam still rising from it...and the animal in question is a mere 50 yards away at the edge of the swamp looking rather perplexed as to why some dipshit dressed in orange camoflage is dumpster diving thru their dookie...that doesn't seem to do it for these wildmen of the Northern Hinterlands of Michigan...every last one of them should be given an honorary scatology degree since most of them return home with shit to show for their effort...Where do you go to find a scatologist...and more importantly...WHY??? How did it become an expertise??? NOT that I have a desire to become a scatologist...I think it would be rather difficult to engage in dinner conversation with colleagues over career fields consisting of clowning around in caca...I'm just curious what kinda locker dwelling dumbass decides they want to pursue a PHD in picking thru poop...I've NEVER found it even remotely necessary to dig thru the doodoo of an animal I intend to serve for supper in order to enjoy my meal...quite the contrary actually...as long as the intestinal tract was kept intact during the removal process...we're good...I mean who employs these purveyors of poo...I suppose I could grasp the concept if shit was a commodity traded on the Stock Exchange with it's own ticker sticker...but it's NOT...and therefore is a foul field of further study best left to our forest friends in order to find out if they've crossed into a plateau occupied by predators...I mean holy shit...I've seldom...if ever...even given a moments notice as to what is contained in my own crapper when I barricade myself in the bathroom for the alloted time it takes to purge my physical being of unneccessary non-nutrient waste and water...let alone considered commandeering the commode closet of a close friend or relative simply to determine what clues their caca coughs up...and I thought I was a sick twisted bastard...guess I'll hafta redefine my understanding of that self-imposed label...the scientific study of shit...good f**kin' thing these idiots don't moonlight on the Sasquatch Hunting Safari...they'd be about as useless as an 8 year old paranormal prodigy...here's a little WWKS enlightment info for ya...I don't have a degree in shit sniffin'...fecal fingering...or poop chute patronization...but I can tell you with absolute certainty that digging around in the dung piles of any other animal...human included...is NOT only unnecessary but should also be outlawed...ya germ spreading Neandrathals...all ya hafta do is LOOK at it...ya don't hafta touch it...dissect it...model around with it like Play-Doh...just take a peek at the poo...if it's runny...perhaps a change in diet is in order...or a trip to the family doctor for a flu shot and some prescription medicinal after-care...if it's solid...you seem fit as a fiddle...don't need ya to bag up a stool sample for your semi-annual checkup...don't need the particulars surrounding the plop plop...splash splash...symphony that accompanied your last visit to the shit cellar...hell ya don't even need to call me for advice...constipated...ex-lax is the answer...got the ass-cramping...please god keep my ass cheeks together for five more minutes while I waddle down the walkway to the water closet...(Come On...some of you are sitting there with that weird look on your face like this has NEVER happened to you)...bet I could find a skidmarkologist to determine different...then you probably need to STOP eating all those f**kin vegetables and add a little meat to your diet...I guess things could be worse...somebody at some point in time has had to have failed the Fecal Flinging Final exam...ended up falling back on their Secondary Studies and graduated with...Oh So Coveted Title of...Turdburglar...always stealing someone elses shit to provide control samples for the CEO's of Crap Catchers Anonymous...that ultra elusive group credited with the discovery of the anal-optic nerve...solely responsible for spreading shitty ideas thruout humanity like it was a freshly plowed field waiting for fertilizer...( I know what you're thinking...how do we spot these connossieurs of caca in a public poo-free place)...They're usually disguised as asshole abducting aliens with abnormally large colon cleansing digits capable of Inter-galactic space travel and imprisonment of the Incestial Inbred...but seriously...xxxxxologists normally refers to someone who has a PHD associated with their title...make sure to read the fine print on that Devry Degree in Determining the Daunting Data Dug-up thru Dabbling in Defecation...it should have 2 small 'o's between the P and H...and as the ancient chinese masters of medicine...the Honorable Hu Flung Dung...and his associate...Y.U. Poo...were so fond of saying...'Neva shake hand of man wif fecal fingers Daniel-san...he don't know SHIT!!!'
Thursday, February 9, 2012
02/10/12
The loudest snore ever recorded registered 87.5 decibels...
I have NO doubt this holds some truth...in such a way as the individual(s) performing these recordings obviously have NEVER met the members of my family...buncha oxygen depleting...roof shingle shattering human hurricanes anyway...87.5 decibels would be the lower threshhold at our family reunions...you get 5-6 of them together in the same Condo...passed out in different rooms and they can change the temperature in that place in less than an hour...I don't mean to scare anyone...but I'd be willing to bet NOT even a 7 yr old has a chance at seeing a ghost around these slumbering sonic boom submitters...the vacuum they create with their sychronized snorefest saps the air of any electronic waves an apparition could emit...and altho I have been forewarned against making fun of the deceased...I must admit...were my dear departed Gramma Rebec still among us...they'd hafta develop a new method of measurement just to record the earth halting echoes of ear splitting...gargantuan...nocturnal...necromancing noisemakers...to say she could wake the dead was an understatement...wake them...torture them...exorcise them from any house within a hundred mile radius...she's been gone almost a full year...and we still haven't had a ghost sighting in our neck of the woods in over 9 decades...my Mother suffers from this condition too...altho when she scares herself out of a deep sleep with one of her sheet shuffling shenanigans...she all too often wakes those up around her and blames them for the incident...and lemme tell you...there have been a few vacations we've had to share a chamber of unconsciousness...you ever heard a C-130 fire up all of it's engines at once in preparation for a short take-off...picture that being the quiet before the storm...when she lets loose she creates rifts in the time/space continuum...often creating seperate parallel universes...holy crap...you let her fall asleep on your couch for an hour and you won't hafta dust your appliances for at least 5 years...I, myself seldom snore...barely make a peep when I sleep...and yet Momma loves to blame me...ME...of all people...with creating an atmosphere of supersonic tachyon trapping turmoil...ya know our entire family...shirttail cousins included...have been banned from partaking in any overnight outdoor excursions...National Parks...State Parks...even in the confines of our own backyards...it keeps Natural Disasters from occuring...NOT too mention the last time we embarked on a canvas covered camping trip those Sasquatch Seeking Simpletons surrounded us with their latest foray into finding a furbearing forest phantom...if Momma fell asleep beneath a wind turbine for an hour it could power all the lights in Las Vegas for at least 5 years...ya ever wonder why wolves howl at a full moon...Momma fell asleep with her window open...I guess it has it's benefits tho...Momma looks Mah-velous for her age don't she??? You would too if you snored so hard it reversed time while you slept...it's unfortunate we can't find a way to bag...tag...and sell this as some kinda youth enhancing beauty product...Momma's Nasal Noise Nuggets...we could make recordings of them...monopolize the market with mp3's...or audiobook collections on Amazon's Sleep Apnea Series..."The Supersonic Subhumanly Soothing Sounds of She Who Snores"...followed the next year by New York Time's Bestseller List 12 months running..."Symphonic Snoring Soliloquy's of a Slumbering She-Banshee"...or..."The Youthful Yodellings of Yours Truly Yawning Beneath a Yucca Tree"...(a narrative on the nocturnal nasalings necessary to knock ages off your appearance)...holy shit...you'd be more famous than Jimmy Durante...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but you know that thing...out in Arizona...called the Grand Canyon...it wasn't much more than a crack in the earth's crust before we spent a night in New Mexico visiting the Carlsbad Caverns...she may NOT move mountains when she slumbers...but recent scientific study suggests she is the sole source creating solar flares on the sun...ON THE SUN...NEVERMIND the speed of light...NOT even the 'hypothetical' Tachyon beam travels that fast...here's a little heads up for ya...when Momma retires and moves south...I suggest making similar post Michigan plans and get close to the Equator...Global Warming fears will be put to rest the first night she falls asleep in North Carolina...slumbering so hard she'll suck the ice-shelf off Antarctica and implement the next Ice Age...I have a feeling this mild winter we just endured was a direct result of Momma rearranging her bedroom furniture...she's been snortin warm salt air off the Gulf Stream since September...El Nino my ass...VIVA La Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Becca!!!
I have NO doubt this holds some truth...in such a way as the individual(s) performing these recordings obviously have NEVER met the members of my family...buncha oxygen depleting...roof shingle shattering human hurricanes anyway...87.5 decibels would be the lower threshhold at our family reunions...you get 5-6 of them together in the same Condo...passed out in different rooms and they can change the temperature in that place in less than an hour...I don't mean to scare anyone...but I'd be willing to bet NOT even a 7 yr old has a chance at seeing a ghost around these slumbering sonic boom submitters...the vacuum they create with their sychronized snorefest saps the air of any electronic waves an apparition could emit...and altho I have been forewarned against making fun of the deceased...I must admit...were my dear departed Gramma Rebec still among us...they'd hafta develop a new method of measurement just to record the earth halting echoes of ear splitting...gargantuan...nocturnal...necromancing noisemakers...to say she could wake the dead was an understatement...wake them...torture them...exorcise them from any house within a hundred mile radius...she's been gone almost a full year...and we still haven't had a ghost sighting in our neck of the woods in over 9 decades...my Mother suffers from this condition too...altho when she scares herself out of a deep sleep with one of her sheet shuffling shenanigans...she all too often wakes those up around her and blames them for the incident...and lemme tell you...there have been a few vacations we've had to share a chamber of unconsciousness...you ever heard a C-130 fire up all of it's engines at once in preparation for a short take-off...picture that being the quiet before the storm...when she lets loose she creates rifts in the time/space continuum...often creating seperate parallel universes...holy crap...you let her fall asleep on your couch for an hour and you won't hafta dust your appliances for at least 5 years...I, myself seldom snore...barely make a peep when I sleep...and yet Momma loves to blame me...ME...of all people...with creating an atmosphere of supersonic tachyon trapping turmoil...ya know our entire family...shirttail cousins included...have been banned from partaking in any overnight outdoor excursions...National Parks...State Parks...even in the confines of our own backyards...it keeps Natural Disasters from occuring...NOT too mention the last time we embarked on a canvas covered camping trip those Sasquatch Seeking Simpletons surrounded us with their latest foray into finding a furbearing forest phantom...if Momma fell asleep beneath a wind turbine for an hour it could power all the lights in Las Vegas for at least 5 years...ya ever wonder why wolves howl at a full moon...Momma fell asleep with her window open...I guess it has it's benefits tho...Momma looks Mah-velous for her age don't she??? You would too if you snored so hard it reversed time while you slept...it's unfortunate we can't find a way to bag...tag...and sell this as some kinda youth enhancing beauty product...Momma's Nasal Noise Nuggets...we could make recordings of them...monopolize the market with mp3's...or audiobook collections on Amazon's Sleep Apnea Series..."The Supersonic Subhumanly Soothing Sounds of She Who Snores"...followed the next year by New York Time's Bestseller List 12 months running..."Symphonic Snoring Soliloquy's of a Slumbering She-Banshee"...or..."The Youthful Yodellings of Yours Truly Yawning Beneath a Yucca Tree"...(a narrative on the nocturnal nasalings necessary to knock ages off your appearance)...holy shit...you'd be more famous than Jimmy Durante...I don't wanna give the wrong impression here...but you know that thing...out in Arizona...called the Grand Canyon...it wasn't much more than a crack in the earth's crust before we spent a night in New Mexico visiting the Carlsbad Caverns...she may NOT move mountains when she slumbers...but recent scientific study suggests she is the sole source creating solar flares on the sun...ON THE SUN...NEVERMIND the speed of light...NOT even the 'hypothetical' Tachyon beam travels that fast...here's a little heads up for ya...when Momma retires and moves south...I suggest making similar post Michigan plans and get close to the Equator...Global Warming fears will be put to rest the first night she falls asleep in North Carolina...slumbering so hard she'll suck the ice-shelf off Antarctica and implement the next Ice Age...I have a feeling this mild winter we just endured was a direct result of Momma rearranging her bedroom furniture...she's been snortin warm salt air off the Gulf Stream since September...El Nino my ass...VIVA La Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Becca!!!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
02/09/12
There is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a beam of tackyon it travels before you fire it...
Ladies and Gentlemen...please welcome back to the stage...our 3 time triple champion here on Jeopardy...Phil the pill popping physics professor...you may recall the last time Phil was on our show he selected the category...Studies in Science and remarkably got every last question completely wrong...the only reason he is here with us is because his opposing competitors were former class skipping-nap takers and somehow knew less about trivia than Dubya did about diggin holes in the desert...let's correct something first...the proper spelling of the word is 'tachyon'...and it is a hypothetical subatomic particle...much like the authors intelligence...non-existant except when supposing situations of superior cognitive thinking...let's say for arguments sake that tachyons are possible...(I won't bother reciting the laws of physics it's mere existence would violate...I don't pretend to understand them...neither should you)...before you concern yourself with building a device capable of firing off a tachyon beam...don'tcha think you might wanna invest a few moments to engineer...design...and build yourself some sort of RADAR that can capture the accurate velocity of this faster than light anomaly...that way dumb ass you can successfully engineer...design...and build a contraption capable of emitting said tachyon beam...because with...or without the laws of physics...one thing remains certain...NOTHING travels before you fire it...I'll bet your Aunt Tar-tar's favorite turnip ain't cha boy...if any type of projectile were capable of travelling before it was fired you wouldn't need to sneak up on shit or use a silencer...I love it when these lab rat losers get together and 'hypothesize' about shit like this...how backwards ass retarded can you be??? LIGHT is the fastest thing we can measure given our level of technology and understanding of the universe...all devices used to measure differing speeds of particulate matter are derived with this principle in mind...and therefore are only useful for capturing sub-luminal speeds...NOT to be confused with subliminal speeds...which according to the statement above leads me to believe...wouldn't work on you anyway...the only thing that moves slower than your internal thought processor is the 'hypothetical' time stopping tunnel possibly located at the center of our galaxy...I'm just stupified that they haven't gone so far as to conduct imaginary studies to determine if the almighty faster than light...sub-atomic particle tachyon...possibly the smallest known 'hypothetical' particle known to man...(excluding Dubya's Dust Collecting Mega-Dome)...has the Mercurial speed necessary to escape the confines of a black hole...the only thing I know of in existence that could even be concievably debated to be faster than the speed of light...is a moment of pure inception within a logical sane mind...an idea...it's instantaneous...that's why it is depicted as a lightbulb going off in cartoon illustrations...that was the closest an artists conception could come to relating comparative speeds...ya notice they didn't draw a snail slithering thru superglue to get the point across...I can just picture it...a labratory full of the worlds leading scientific minds...all gathered around the ground-breaking...or should I say lightspeed shattering...gadget at one end of the room...the least intelligent among them is sent to the opposite end of the tachyon beam blasting barn...there are sychronized countdown clocks on the walls above both ends...Standards of procedure dictate the first attempt to fire a tachyon beam will result in the digital display expiring to 00:00...at 00:03 the lone lab rat with leftover tuna salad sandwich on his shirt yells out..."IT'S ALREADY HERE...YOU FIRED TOO LATE"...the countdown clocks are reset to 00:30...and round and round we go...where we stop nobody knows...buncha buttersquash brainiacs standing around scratchin their heads wonderin what to do next...that's where it ends...I swear sometimes it would just be easier if these idiots had LED readouts of their hypothesis' scrolling across their foreheads...gather them all up in an auditorium...let them take a chair and relax...everytime something flashed across their foreheads I could give a good old fasioned Roman Emporer hand signal...thumbs up...you've got a winner...you're excused to go conduct further research...come back with your conclusions and solid evidence to back it up...thumbs down...you get to sit up front...put your Dunce Cap back on dipshit...you're in Theoretical Timeout...3 shitty ideas in a row and they get salt poured in their eyes...NOT too much...just enough to sting...keep them busy for awhile...I can only handle so much STUPID in one sitting...this moron reminds me of the French Health Minister who just this week made a statement offering advice to France's homeless people regarding Europe's frigid ice snap...'Stay inside'...that's right folks...a country's HEALTH MINISTER advises against going 'out in the cold' if you happen to be homeless...so I don't see why any of us should expect anything lucid and logical from the infinitesimal idea integraters in the scientific community...I looked up tachyon...Googlized it...brought up the first result spit out by the search engine gods...Wikipedia...I didn't even hafta read the article in it's entirety...NOPE...all I had to do was scan the blue highlighted letters...and that alone told me all I needed to know about the study of tachyons...the one sentence that stuck out like a pecker at a porn palace...'Some of these authors incorrectly concluded that excitations of a "field with imaginary mass" would propogate faster than light'...REALLY??? I had an imaginary friend once when I was younger...followed me around like a f**kin shadow...he musta suffered from extreme excitations...I couldn't seem to shake the bastard even at bedtime...when it was dark...sonofabitch musta been using tachyon powder in his pajama's...it all makes sense now...I sent him down to Shaniqua's house one day and NEVER saw him again...I guess NOTHING can escape a black hole...except maybe future gangbangers with baggy clothing...if there's a special circle in hell reserved for stereotyping I think I just got offered the key...truthfully tho I am probably the least racist person you'll ever meet...I abhor ignorance with equal enthusiasm regardless of the skin tone embodying it...I can hold court with Kings one day...and appear in court with criminals the next...what I can't do is spend a tachyon of time in the company of empty headed heretics who haven't a clue as to the proper procedure required to postulate a 'hypothesis' regarding distance travelled divided by time taken of a particle NOT yet proven to exist...I mean holy shit people...Pinnochio has more common sense than these scuba diving sewer swimmers...and he was made out of WOOD!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen...please welcome back to the stage...our 3 time triple champion here on Jeopardy...Phil the pill popping physics professor...you may recall the last time Phil was on our show he selected the category...Studies in Science and remarkably got every last question completely wrong...the only reason he is here with us is because his opposing competitors were former class skipping-nap takers and somehow knew less about trivia than Dubya did about diggin holes in the desert...let's correct something first...the proper spelling of the word is 'tachyon'...and it is a hypothetical subatomic particle...much like the authors intelligence...non-existant except when supposing situations of superior cognitive thinking...let's say for arguments sake that tachyons are possible...(I won't bother reciting the laws of physics it's mere existence would violate...I don't pretend to understand them...neither should you)...before you concern yourself with building a device capable of firing off a tachyon beam...don'tcha think you might wanna invest a few moments to engineer...design...and build yourself some sort of RADAR that can capture the accurate velocity of this faster than light anomaly...that way dumb ass you can successfully engineer...design...and build a contraption capable of emitting said tachyon beam...because with...or without the laws of physics...one thing remains certain...NOTHING travels before you fire it...I'll bet your Aunt Tar-tar's favorite turnip ain't cha boy...if any type of projectile were capable of travelling before it was fired you wouldn't need to sneak up on shit or use a silencer...I love it when these lab rat losers get together and 'hypothesize' about shit like this...how backwards ass retarded can you be??? LIGHT is the fastest thing we can measure given our level of technology and understanding of the universe...all devices used to measure differing speeds of particulate matter are derived with this principle in mind...and therefore are only useful for capturing sub-luminal speeds...NOT to be confused with subliminal speeds...which according to the statement above leads me to believe...wouldn't work on you anyway...the only thing that moves slower than your internal thought processor is the 'hypothetical' time stopping tunnel possibly located at the center of our galaxy...I'm just stupified that they haven't gone so far as to conduct imaginary studies to determine if the almighty faster than light...sub-atomic particle tachyon...possibly the smallest known 'hypothetical' particle known to man...(excluding Dubya's Dust Collecting Mega-Dome)...has the Mercurial speed necessary to escape the confines of a black hole...the only thing I know of in existence that could even be concievably debated to be faster than the speed of light...is a moment of pure inception within a logical sane mind...an idea...it's instantaneous...that's why it is depicted as a lightbulb going off in cartoon illustrations...that was the closest an artists conception could come to relating comparative speeds...ya notice they didn't draw a snail slithering thru superglue to get the point across...I can just picture it...a labratory full of the worlds leading scientific minds...all gathered around the ground-breaking...or should I say lightspeed shattering...gadget at one end of the room...the least intelligent among them is sent to the opposite end of the tachyon beam blasting barn...there are sychronized countdown clocks on the walls above both ends...Standards of procedure dictate the first attempt to fire a tachyon beam will result in the digital display expiring to 00:00...at 00:03 the lone lab rat with leftover tuna salad sandwich on his shirt yells out..."IT'S ALREADY HERE...YOU FIRED TOO LATE"...the countdown clocks are reset to 00:30...and round and round we go...where we stop nobody knows...buncha buttersquash brainiacs standing around scratchin their heads wonderin what to do next...that's where it ends...I swear sometimes it would just be easier if these idiots had LED readouts of their hypothesis' scrolling across their foreheads...gather them all up in an auditorium...let them take a chair and relax...everytime something flashed across their foreheads I could give a good old fasioned Roman Emporer hand signal...thumbs up...you've got a winner...you're excused to go conduct further research...come back with your conclusions and solid evidence to back it up...thumbs down...you get to sit up front...put your Dunce Cap back on dipshit...you're in Theoretical Timeout...3 shitty ideas in a row and they get salt poured in their eyes...NOT too much...just enough to sting...keep them busy for awhile...I can only handle so much STUPID in one sitting...this moron reminds me of the French Health Minister who just this week made a statement offering advice to France's homeless people regarding Europe's frigid ice snap...'Stay inside'...that's right folks...a country's HEALTH MINISTER advises against going 'out in the cold' if you happen to be homeless...so I don't see why any of us should expect anything lucid and logical from the infinitesimal idea integraters in the scientific community...I looked up tachyon...Googlized it...brought up the first result spit out by the search engine gods...Wikipedia...I didn't even hafta read the article in it's entirety...NOPE...all I had to do was scan the blue highlighted letters...and that alone told me all I needed to know about the study of tachyons...the one sentence that stuck out like a pecker at a porn palace...'Some of these authors incorrectly concluded that excitations of a "field with imaginary mass" would propogate faster than light'...REALLY??? I had an imaginary friend once when I was younger...followed me around like a f**kin shadow...he musta suffered from extreme excitations...I couldn't seem to shake the bastard even at bedtime...when it was dark...sonofabitch musta been using tachyon powder in his pajama's...it all makes sense now...I sent him down to Shaniqua's house one day and NEVER saw him again...I guess NOTHING can escape a black hole...except maybe future gangbangers with baggy clothing...if there's a special circle in hell reserved for stereotyping I think I just got offered the key...truthfully tho I am probably the least racist person you'll ever meet...I abhor ignorance with equal enthusiasm regardless of the skin tone embodying it...I can hold court with Kings one day...and appear in court with criminals the next...what I can't do is spend a tachyon of time in the company of empty headed heretics who haven't a clue as to the proper procedure required to postulate a 'hypothesis' regarding distance travelled divided by time taken of a particle NOT yet proven to exist...I mean holy shit people...Pinnochio has more common sense than these scuba diving sewer swimmers...and he was made out of WOOD!!!
02/08/12
Fable writer Aesop married & divorced at least 50 women including his daughter, his sister, and his own mother...
I don't know in what order he married these women...however if he wed his mother first and had a daughter...wouldn't she also be his sister...who knew the birthplace of polygamy was the Pantheon...I had NO idea the Greeks invented Mormonism...Platter Day Saints...(Plato's Prophets)...or perhaps it was the Mesopotamians who migrated to Missouri and began America's own Interstate to Incest...those crazy Greecians anyway...odd what was considered acceptable in the ancient days of Aesop's Adventures...it's NO wonder the guy is credited with so many moral containg fables...I'd think being around that many women in one lifetime would provide a guy with more than enough material to carry on a monologue for a few millenia...I can't possibly imagine what the moral to this multitude of marriages was back in the day...but I know what it would be if it occured in the here and now...Masturbate...it's cheaper than all that alimony and child support...I'd explain it to ya but I'm all out of puppets and crayons...(I actually stole that from a friends facebook post...had to use it)...Do you have any idea how much money that would cost on a monthly basis??? 50 seperate alimony payments...not too mention child support...good lord...I'm surprised he didn't have a medical condition named after him...Aesop's Elbow...similar to Tennis Elbow...resulting from signing all those support checks...and scribbling down tall tales in your spare time to sell off and help with the financial woes of womanizing...I mean I suppose I could wrap my head around it if it were 50 unrelated women...but your mother...daughter...and sister...what the hell were you thinking...I'm NO different than the next man when it comes to evaluating the possibility of a sexual escapade with a member of the fairer sex...but come on...NOT even if that thing was plated in platinum...studded with diamonds...and capable of singing me to sleep when the effort had been exhausted would I ever consider sharing a bed with a female member of my immediate family...I don't care if she was some sort of morphed mega model the best of both Megan Fox and Jessica Alba...we ain't seein each other nekkid...NOT even if you offered me my own redneck series on one of my favorite stations...Cockfishin for Crocodiles Sunday mornin on Animal Planet...ain't happenin...love them all dearly...and from a distance...of at least 2 layers of external coverings...preferably Turtleneck MuuMuu Sweaters...and a double down-stuffed XXL Super Size snowmobile suit...50 women...that's alotta afternoons aspirating the after effects of your adventures with early morning alcohol/aspirin concoctions...married and divorced 50 different times...sounds like Ol' One Eyed Pericles the Peloponnese Pocket Puppet wasn't happy pokin around in just one playhouse...coulda made a small fortune as a poster boy for prophylactics just down the road in Troy...course the horse...as well as the condom company...probably didn't arrive on scene til much later...what I wanna know is...how does your name...Aesop...become synonymous with moral revealing fables...it sounds to me like you couldn't locate a moral if it crawled so far up your ass you coughed on it...kinda funny isn't it...how damn near every significant historically identifiable individual is somehow associated with the exact opposite for which they are known...this is why most historically documented 'facts' are erroneous...History...is NOTHING more than His-Story...it is passed on from generation to generation...things are 'forgotten'...memories misplaced...endeavors of enlightenment are embellished...atrocities downplayed...His-Story changes everytime a new reader opens it pages...I find it hard to believe he married and divorced that many women...let's say Aesop got married...for the first time at the age of 20...if he spent a year or less with each reported wife...he would have been 70 at the ceremony for his last wedding...what would be the purpose of punishing yourself further...it's NOT like there's a whole lotta...ass on tap...for the Almost Octogenarian Age...even if there was...whaddaya gonna use...a coupla popscicle sticks and tape to prop that old playhouse puppet up with...because I'm pretty sure that at 70 that soldier isn't gonna stand at attentiona and salute anymore...not without the aid of Viagra...which isn't gonna be available for a few thousand years yet...I'd have no problem believing he slept with 50 women...it was ancient Greece...communal bathhouses...Toga's...and wine...wine everyone...have some wine...take off your towels...Toga's...I meant toga's...hot tubs down the hall to the right...orgies on the left...grapes...wine...and mediterranean marbled manna for everyone...hell 50 women a year was probably an obtainable number...but to marry and divorce 50 women...1 at a time...NOT even a judge likes to be in court that damn much...it wouldn't make sense...think about it ladies...if you were #25 on some guys laundry list of love...are you naive enough to believe...'Oh, he's a changed man...he told me I'm the one'...only if you've been bleaching your hair with peroxide since puberty you parrothead...chances are the minute you hear Ol' Aesop rattle off 24 reasons his past marriages failed you're not even gonna ask for a horse and buggy...you'll be elbow to asshole hightailing it out of there...NOBODIES self esteem could reach levels so low that after # 49 gets kicked to the curb they're thinkin...'ME...OH ME...RIGHT HERE...AESOP...AESOP...PICK ME...I'M THE ONE WHO CAN FINALLY MAKE YOU HAPPY'...Puh-lease...altho I don't encourage acts of incest...I am quite honestly ecstatic about the evidence that presents itself from the information pertaining to Aesops appetites with his mother...daughter...and sister...Hillbillyin' didn't start in the foothills of the Appalachians...it can apparently be traced all the way back to Archidamians like Aesop...damn story tellin' sister f**ker had us all fooled there for a minute...and what's the moral to this story class...it's one that has stood the test of time...You Can't Judge a Book by It's Cover...and covers as I'm sure you all know by now...provide do 2 things...they dress up the dull and mundane...and make you feel warm and cozy...they seldom have anything to do with the underling plot...Caveat Emptor!!!
I don't know in what order he married these women...however if he wed his mother first and had a daughter...wouldn't she also be his sister...who knew the birthplace of polygamy was the Pantheon...I had NO idea the Greeks invented Mormonism...Platter Day Saints...(Plato's Prophets)...or perhaps it was the Mesopotamians who migrated to Missouri and began America's own Interstate to Incest...those crazy Greecians anyway...odd what was considered acceptable in the ancient days of Aesop's Adventures...it's NO wonder the guy is credited with so many moral containg fables...I'd think being around that many women in one lifetime would provide a guy with more than enough material to carry on a monologue for a few millenia...I can't possibly imagine what the moral to this multitude of marriages was back in the day...but I know what it would be if it occured in the here and now...Masturbate...it's cheaper than all that alimony and child support...I'd explain it to ya but I'm all out of puppets and crayons...(I actually stole that from a friends facebook post...had to use it)...Do you have any idea how much money that would cost on a monthly basis??? 50 seperate alimony payments...not too mention child support...good lord...I'm surprised he didn't have a medical condition named after him...Aesop's Elbow...similar to Tennis Elbow...resulting from signing all those support checks...and scribbling down tall tales in your spare time to sell off and help with the financial woes of womanizing...I mean I suppose I could wrap my head around it if it were 50 unrelated women...but your mother...daughter...and sister...what the hell were you thinking...I'm NO different than the next man when it comes to evaluating the possibility of a sexual escapade with a member of the fairer sex...but come on...NOT even if that thing was plated in platinum...studded with diamonds...and capable of singing me to sleep when the effort had been exhausted would I ever consider sharing a bed with a female member of my immediate family...I don't care if she was some sort of morphed mega model the best of both Megan Fox and Jessica Alba...we ain't seein each other nekkid...NOT even if you offered me my own redneck series on one of my favorite stations...Cockfishin for Crocodiles Sunday mornin on Animal Planet...ain't happenin...love them all dearly...and from a distance...of at least 2 layers of external coverings...preferably Turtleneck MuuMuu Sweaters...and a double down-stuffed XXL Super Size snowmobile suit...50 women...that's alotta afternoons aspirating the after effects of your adventures with early morning alcohol/aspirin concoctions...married and divorced 50 different times...sounds like Ol' One Eyed Pericles the Peloponnese Pocket Puppet wasn't happy pokin around in just one playhouse...coulda made a small fortune as a poster boy for prophylactics just down the road in Troy...course the horse...as well as the condom company...probably didn't arrive on scene til much later...what I wanna know is...how does your name...Aesop...become synonymous with moral revealing fables...it sounds to me like you couldn't locate a moral if it crawled so far up your ass you coughed on it...kinda funny isn't it...how damn near every significant historically identifiable individual is somehow associated with the exact opposite for which they are known...this is why most historically documented 'facts' are erroneous...History...is NOTHING more than His-Story...it is passed on from generation to generation...things are 'forgotten'...memories misplaced...endeavors of enlightenment are embellished...atrocities downplayed...His-Story changes everytime a new reader opens it pages...I find it hard to believe he married and divorced that many women...let's say Aesop got married...for the first time at the age of 20...if he spent a year or less with each reported wife...he would have been 70 at the ceremony for his last wedding...what would be the purpose of punishing yourself further...it's NOT like there's a whole lotta...ass on tap...for the Almost Octogenarian Age...even if there was...whaddaya gonna use...a coupla popscicle sticks and tape to prop that old playhouse puppet up with...because I'm pretty sure that at 70 that soldier isn't gonna stand at attentiona and salute anymore...not without the aid of Viagra...which isn't gonna be available for a few thousand years yet...I'd have no problem believing he slept with 50 women...it was ancient Greece...communal bathhouses...Toga's...and wine...wine everyone...have some wine...take off your towels...Toga's...I meant toga's...hot tubs down the hall to the right...orgies on the left...grapes...wine...and mediterranean marbled manna for everyone...hell 50 women a year was probably an obtainable number...but to marry and divorce 50 women...1 at a time...NOT even a judge likes to be in court that damn much...it wouldn't make sense...think about it ladies...if you were #25 on some guys laundry list of love...are you naive enough to believe...'Oh, he's a changed man...he told me I'm the one'...only if you've been bleaching your hair with peroxide since puberty you parrothead...chances are the minute you hear Ol' Aesop rattle off 24 reasons his past marriages failed you're not even gonna ask for a horse and buggy...you'll be elbow to asshole hightailing it out of there...NOBODIES self esteem could reach levels so low that after # 49 gets kicked to the curb they're thinkin...'ME...OH ME...RIGHT HERE...AESOP...AESOP...PICK ME...I'M THE ONE WHO CAN FINALLY MAKE YOU HAPPY'...Puh-lease...altho I don't encourage acts of incest...I am quite honestly ecstatic about the evidence that presents itself from the information pertaining to Aesops appetites with his mother...daughter...and sister...Hillbillyin' didn't start in the foothills of the Appalachians...it can apparently be traced all the way back to Archidamians like Aesop...damn story tellin' sister f**ker had us all fooled there for a minute...and what's the moral to this story class...it's one that has stood the test of time...You Can't Judge a Book by It's Cover...and covers as I'm sure you all know by now...provide do 2 things...they dress up the dull and mundane...and make you feel warm and cozy...they seldom have anything to do with the underling plot...Caveat Emptor!!!
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