THINGS YA DON'T WANNA KNOW!!!

Watchmakers used to use their own nose oil to lubricate tiny gears...

HOLY SNAKE OIL BATMAN...2 days in a row...information from the kiddie pool clown crew is startin' to look up...become more respectable in nature...I haven't been following the news...did any of you go on a retard rampage recently...start eradicating the empty between the ears entities among us???  I applaud you if you did...honorable efforts are always appreciated...but keep in mind...the title of this blog is What Would Kevin Say...NOT SIMON SAYS...and even if it was...I didn't say SIMON...anyway...onward and upward as they always say...yes...watchmakers used their own nose oil to lubricate tiny gears...I had to use my own nose oil half the time just to punch in at the last job I had...before finding self employment opportunities...of a legitimate nature I might add...our time clock required fingerprint identification in order to log us in or out...half the time it wouldn't read your fingerprints because your hands become dry while working with different objects...tiny gears do not require a puddle of lubricant...and a watchmaker's nose was more easily located than a small bottle of gear oil...but watchmakers are NOT alone in their use of bodily fluids here people...as discussed in yesterday's blog post...humans are disgusting creatures for the most part...and shepherds used to use spit as a lubricant...those of you with vivid imaginations may want to contain your breakfast in the bucket beneath your desks...I'm not gonna go into further detail on that one...if you find yourself in the precarious position of scratching your head in constant confusion over that little piece of information...try wading out past your ankles...trust me it gets deeper the further ya go...put your floaties on if you're that askairt...but get your ass wet...put it this way...even if you pee sittin' down you should be able to figure that one out...I'll give ya a little hint...it was BAAAAAAAAAA'D....MLB pitchers of the earl years used everything imaginable as lubricant for the ball they were throwing...sweat from the brow...and even from below...tobacco spit was often used to lubricate the gloves of the players...before it became taboo to chew in front of millions of redneck fans...what's next...NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES at NASCAR races...but that's a whole 'nuther story y'all pay attention...HEY...(split finger farmers whistle)...OVER HERE...they still use illegal substances to this day...anything to make their jobs easier...vaseline...pine tar...anything to give the ball a different spin...or break...boxers use slippery shit too...in an attempt to get the opponents gloves to glide off quicker and do less damage...imagine that...a brutal sport where you don't want to get hit...go play TENNIS ya buncha sissies...who else uses body fluids for lubricants...all of us do...especially those with kids...how many times have you used spit to settle down a bad case of bed head resulting from the inadvertent nap that was taken on the ride over...I know my Momma did...lady used to lick us like a llama before draggin' us off to church...showin' up for salvation with our spit crusted hairdo's...and don't have anything on your face...OMG...here comes that big wet thumb...LOL...I love these little memories...most people use the nearest water fountain...or bathroom faucet...NOT MY MOMMA...she knew what was best for ya...little saliva never hurt NOBODY...right as rain we were...probably the only set of spit shined siblings in the whole sanctuary...but HEY...we were there...that's all that mattered...I'm probably gonna get a nasty phone call or text over that one...those were the days...I'll tell ya what...butter cured burns...and spit solved cowlicks...look at us NOW...spending $10.00 on a box of burn relief cream...when butter is still under $5.00 a tub...lost are the fine arts of financial savings thru saliva type substitutes...family remedies have been tossed to the ages...and we're left with having to buy unnecessary items at abundantly higher prices...NOW IDK about the rest of you folks...but for me...today is Friday...and every Friday in the work place is like a promise of temporary freedom for the weekend...some of you may lead rather boring and mundane lives...notice I didn't actually say MARRIED...but yeah...anyway...others of you may enjoy the possibilities of a SINGLE lifestyle...and if that be the case for you...might I offer a bit of advice that should come in rather handy if you're lucky enough to find a partner to get randy with...SIMON SAYS...the best form of personal lubricant...IS & ALWAYS HAS BEEN...FOREPLAY!!!

SHOULDA BOUGHT A KIRBY!!!

Each eyelash hosts a minimum of three hundred dust mites....

It's Thursday people...rise & shine...get your GO juice...shower...shave if ya hafta...wax if not...grab a bagel for breakfast...or a Blueberry Muffin..preferably with a 10" base and an assload of that crumbly tastee sh*t on top...this could be the first time I agree with someone in the assinine information department...300 would be an estimate at best...dust mites being microscopic in nature...unless of course the sun is shinin thru the window at the right angle and the whole room seems to be floating in...STUFF...having worked for the Kirby vacuum company for a couple of years...and being a very successful salesman while doing so...I can attest to the filthy disgusting living conditions of the human animal...PIGS wallow in less filth...you don't believe me...gimme 2 hours inside your house with one of these machines...and if you have the money...and the personal desire to rid yourself of the armpit deep pile of pollution you're currently living in...you'll buy that machine within 2 hours...less time if I know you have allergies...allergies I can probably sell you that machine in less than 15 minutes...it's cheaper and more effective than the shit your doctor's been prescribing to ya...allergies are created by dust...small particles of sh*t that get into your system when you breathe that your body can't fight against...if you have allergies...I have a $2,000.00 one time cure...beats the hell outta your current medical bills and prescription fees...and I'll even be kind enough to show you where and how to use the damn thing so that you get the best possible solution to your condition...NOW...just because I said I AGREE with the author doesn't mean that if you have allergies you need to go home and burn out your eye lashes...trust me...that's the least of your problems...your mattress on the other hand...has more dead flesh and dust mites in it than Carter has peanuts in his sh*t...the human body is constantly shedding dead skin cells...by the MILLIONS...on a daily basis...so in essence...when you're dusting the furniture and stuff in the house...that's you you're wiping off the TV screen...that's you you're dusting off the top of the curtains...that's you you're wiping off the knick knack shelves...and here's the kicker...we shed more of them at night...while we're asleep...and it settles into our mattresses...at the rate of about 10-12 lbs a year...so if you weigh 120 lbs and keep a mattress for 10 years...that's kinda long I know...but some people do...there will be 2 of YOU sleeping on that side of the bed...pay attention the next time you buy a new mattress...the old one is going to be twice as hard and heavy to carry as the new one...that's because the old one more than likely contains a full human body's worth of dead skin cells...makes ya wanna go curl up beneath the blankets don't it...me neither...I have a secret...wish I could tell ya...but I can't...if more than one person knows it goes from being a secret to a conspiracy...and there's enough of that sh*t goin' around already...hell if ya know any good ones send them to me...I'll be more than happy to do a little research and help spread the information if I think it's valid...but please...DON'T send me crap like...I think the world is gonna end this December when all the planets align with the Milky Way...GOOD  for you...do us all a favor and DON'T VOTE in the upcoming election dumbass...since you don't believe you'll be around long enough to see the results take effect...my name's Kevin Wixson...that's W...I...X...S...O...N...put me in your will if ya have any nice sh*t and hate your relatives...but don't leave me your junk...I don't live in Vegas so I can't go get Rick from Pawn Stars to buy it...and chances are the guys from American Pickers aren't gonna stop by any time soon...just the good stuff...boats...cars...houses...Caribbean Get-away bungalows...you know...valuable jewels and commodities...you can keep the cash...stocks and bonds...there's probably gonna be so much panic and widespread fear anyway...that the market is gonna crash...especially if by some coincidence we have an Earth shifting situation...one small tremor off the coast of Japan or another Pacific or Indian Ocean island...and assholes will pucker on a global scale...Doomsday believers will go into immediate hysterics and begin jumping off of buildings...keep an eye towards the sky...but at least go search the bodies for profit...don't get left out in the cold...trust me...YOU won't be the only one doing it...I plan on being near a metropolitan area during that time just for that reason...I've learned from watching MODERN HISTORY on the national news shows...what happens in big cities when widespread panic conditions exist...SMART PEOPLE GET FREE SH*T...IDK about you but I'm tired of watchin...I'm getin' mine this time around...I know...some of you are thinking...but aren't you afraid of getting caught...NO...diversion tactics are another area of expertise of mine...while the cops are busy chasin' down the people that broke into the electronics building 2 blocks down the street...I plan on walking straight outta Wal-Mart with 2 carts full of sh*t...who's gonna be there to stop me...ANCIENT ARCHIE...the toothless door greeter...Bitch please...ya know...sometimes I wonder...do these little trips through Kevin's medicine cabinet really bring grins to the chins of those who follow daily...I mean...one hasta wonder how we started off with dust mites in eye lashes...ran  thru two shows on the History Channel and ended up discussing Doomsday believers...and what my unethical endeavors are as far as plans during those rare moments when the 99% unite in small pockets of rebellious behavior...because it's all dirty work folks...sometimes ya gotta be willing to roll up your sleeves and do your part to clean up after yourselves as well as after others...I'm offering 2 separate services here...one to help people on an individual basis...the other to help society and the general population...DON'T sit there and Judge me...I'm creating job security...there's less supply and more demand through my actions...hell that alone would create more jobs than the last three Presidential terms of Office combined...and you were gonna criticize me...are you serious...you know my intentions...although vastly subject to personal preference...are always aimed at helping the communities we all live in...but seriously folks...ya gotta pick your moments...RISE to the occasion...if nothing else buy a Kirby and suck your dead flesh fungus from the place you flop your earthly shell every night...at least that way you'll wake up healthy and clean the DAY AFTER THE WORLD DON'T DIE!!!

HUH_WHAT?!?!

One year at the Heinz catsup factory they had to raise the protein level on the label because the tomatoes they used had worms...

And this...just a day after the bug buffet...what's the one thing that stands out here folks???  Please...for the love of sanity...tell me one of you looked at this tidbit...and said to yourself...whadda buncha dumbasses...looks like Heinz was a day late and a dollar short in the old advertising department to me...why screw up a good thing and admit your tomatoes had worms...apparently they weren't privvy to the information gleaned yesterday in the aftermath of ignorance...good lord...I'm pretty sure had they gotta hold of the dipshit from yesterday they coulda capitalized on catsup for a full year...Maple Flavored Bacon 'Maters...right there...in plain sight...I mean damn...you'd think they'd learn...or maybe they didn't buy into that rubbish about human food flavored insects either...and jolly good thing that was...cuz where would the world be with a tomato smashin'...sugar additive company...probably left with mayo like they use in some Dutch communities...or worse yet...vegemite from Australia...and that shit is TAS-TEEEEEEE...lemme tell ya...NOTHIN' will make ya wanna drag the neighbor's cat's ass across your tongue quicker than that...vegemite looks like beetles, wasps and worms all ground up together...and it doesn't even remotely taste like pine nuts...bacon...or apples...it tastes like ground up beetles...worms...and wasps...I love how everything hasta taste like somethin else...ya ever had gator...armadillo...snake...scaly assed creatures in other words...NO...ya should...it all tastes like CHICKEN...which can only mean one thing...I was WRONG...T-Rex was the largest and earliest form of food you find at KFC...DAMN IT!!! I hate hindsight...something apparently lacking on the history channel...and the Heinz catsup factory...here's the thing people...not everything that can't be identified tastes like a crack of dawn clucker when it comes served on a silver platter...some of it has a very distinct taste...people just fool themselves into believing what they want...it's a fact that your senses when absent from one another will work to make things palatable and tolerable for you...think I'm kiddin'...there's one cruel way to find out...locate someone that has been blind since birth and feed them something that smells and feels like chicken and they will associate it as such because they have NO way of knowing otherwise...they rely on what others have told them...their other sense have become more keen but that doesn't mean they can't be fooled...people piss me off when they do that...here try this...what is it???  It tastes like pork...well is it a pig...part of pig...come from a pig like creature...did the damn thing snort when it was alive is basically what I need ta know...here try this it's so delicate and tender...melts in your mouth...that's NOT enticing...it's scary as hell...how do I know what kinds of things you allow in your mouth...there are many things that can melt in your mouth...front wallet worms being one of them...and hey...if that's your thing...more power to ya...birds of a feather and what not...I need more information...what the hell is it you're trying to get me to unwittingly eat...if it's Heinz's new caterpillar catsup...I think I'll pass...I'm NOTTA big fan of maters...I eat them NOW on occasion because it's about as close to goin' to the doctor as I wanna get...eat tomatoes and keep free radical cells from erupting into cancerous nodes...or spend hours with Bedside Manners of a Mothball Bill, PhD...while he delicately tells me I'm gonna die because his kind are too greedy to come up with an actual cure...or use medicine from abroad that has had moderate success with treating these types of calamities...I think I can suffer a few diced tamata's on me taco senor...besides...health has got nothing to do with destiny...I've known people who were far superior in physical health than I am...that are NO longer here...if anything my generation will be the first lab rats for medicinal longevity...we will take our little silver and gold vitamins and live to be 120...130...buncha bib droolin'...diaper dandies we will be...wonderin' what happened to the good old days where ya could get a fat greasy triple cheeseburger from Wendy's...WHERE'S THE BEEF commercials will dance thru our heads...but for this day and age...keep one thing in mind...(I stole this from Facebook and morphed it to my own liking)...if you can't figure out what is on your plate...you're eating at the WONG FOOK HING WESTAWAUNT!!!

SO MUCH FOR GREEN EGGS & HAM!!!

Beetles taste like apples, wasps taste like pine nuts, and worms taste like fried bacon....

Ya wanna know how I know this little tidbit is false...because if it were true we wouldn't have a use for the fine men and women that f**k up on a daily basis in the FDA...you remember those people that deemed it okay to have a certain amount of maggot eggs in mushroom cans...if bugs tasted like human food we wouldn't need to worry about it...NOBODY would know the damn difference...Chinee westawaunts wouldn't be constantly hounded for health violations...food packaging companies wouldn't hafta worry about the way they process the products they ship out...who the f**k sits around eating beetles, wasps and worms???  If you people don't shit out the right answer here I'm gonna be through with the whole lot of ya...LOL...helmet heads do...and what can we learn from helmet heads folks???  Their word CAN'T be trusted...that's why they don't sell cars...houses...insurance...or perform jobs that matter...such as determining food groups for bugs...we don't need it...I love BACON...probably more so than Burgess Meredith in Grumpy Old Men...and yet miraculously I find myself buying it off the shelf...as opposed to rooting out worms...ya don't see me using them for anything but bait...and guess what...as far as I can tell fish don't have an affinity for pig meat...no more so than a deer has a hankering for beetles instead of apples in the bait pile...some of the ignorant shit people come up with is just baffling...where have you ever gone into a diner and asked for a double bacon cheeseburger and had it delivered with worms...NOWHERE...that's where...because even a cost conscious food serving establishment isn't gonna buy into this bullshit...I don't give a shit how pretty the packaging is...worms come from the earth...they eat dirt and shit out nutrients...there are how many varieties of worms...too many to name after different flavors of bacon...same with beetles and wasps...do Japanese beetles taste like Fuji apples...and whaddabout night crawlers...do they taste like Maple cured bacon...or just the cheap off brand shit ya buy at places like Sav-a-lot...noted for importing edible meat products from Canada and Mexico...and I dare say they don't monitor their products like we do ours...I mean c'mon...we've all eaten at taco bell...you know the potential for disaster after partaking of one of these meals...you're lucky if you can ass crawl across the concrete and make it to the shitter in time...ya know ya might have better luck convincing one of those mentally incompetent...piss guzzlin' jerk-offs like Bear Grylls...that bugs and shit taste like real food...have ya seen the stuff this guy gets himself into...climbin' inside camel carcasses...eating goat testicles...and NOT one damn time do you ever see him with a...I can't believe it's NOT bacon grin...on his face...because that shit is NASTY...NOT TASTY...show of hands real quick...who's goin out to the new eatery...SCRUBS & GRUBS for lunch today???  Anyone???  Nobody...that's a damn shame...looks like you're gonna be missin' out on the chicken fried slugs...taste like calamari from what I hear...and yes...I do eat deep fried squid...it tastes like...deep fried squid...something garden groomin grubs and slugs are incapable of achieving...why do people constantly fall for this kinda crap...I mean it's funny when you're the schoolyard bully and ya left your magnifying glass at home...or there's too much cloud cover to burn alcoholic right leanin' ants...but after that ya would think the dumber bunch would catch on...but NO...all ya hafta do is tell them it tastes like somethin' else...and apparently CHICKEN has been all used up...so now it's bacon...pine nuts and apples...and what happens...ya have a whole new audience of ignorants standin' around shovellin' worms, wasps and beetles down their throats...whaddaya call those people...I mean ya have your carnivores...ya have your herbivores...lettuce munchin' melon heads...so what are these people called...insectivores...bug munchers...NO...ya call them HELMET HEADS...I thought we covered that a little earlier...quit gettin' sidetracked...I have a helluva time keepin' myself in order...let alone runnin' around behind the rest of you...making sure you're following along...I mean c'mon...it isn't that hard to keep the pace...is it...I don't ask much but I do require a modicum of mindful mesmerizing moments...in which I expect those reading to know the direction I'm headed before I get there...and I know...that can be a difficult task in and of itself...since each of these journey's end when I run outta shit to say...sometimes I ramble on for hours...sometimes I'm short winded...and most of the time I'm just medicinally pre-occupied...in which case the tidbit usually ends something like...

OF MICE & MEN!!!

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license...

I know hunting can have alotta different meanings for several groups of dunderheads...but when the term is applied to animals, rodents or other living creatures...it generally refers to a method of providing FOOD for the family...or the clan...NOT that I condone the eating of rodents such as disease carryin' mice...but hey if you've had your fair of Chinese food you've had RAT...which is close enough in my book...and you're still here...so it must not be that bad for ya...NOW catching on the other hand...seems to refer to trapping...which is related to hunting but doesn't necessarily involve the actual killing of the animal...that is left for the trapper to do once he checks his traps...at which time if he decides to slaughter the game for profit or protein he becomes a...you guessed it...HUNTER...so you shouldn't need a HUNTING license to CATCH an animal regardless of classification...I don't see the Federal Government needing HUNTING licenses to TRAP part of my income for their own purposes...they just come and get it when they think I have too much I might become a nuisance...no Pied Piper on Pitiful Penance...just a snatch and grab anytime they feel like it...why would it be illegal to get rid of mice without a hunting license anyway...whadda the damn things so big in Cleveland that ya need to apply for a permit to carry too...whaddaya feedin' those damn things anyway...they're mice aren't they...I mean at some point ya gotta ship them to Australia and reclassify them as wombats don'tcha???  who enforces this little law...the DNR of OHIO...in conjunction with the sanitation department...you know how damn dumb you hafta be to get caught poachin' mice outta season...and who actually abides by this law...I mean are people actually terrified that the Mickey Mouse Club is gonna come dance down their door...sing a little song and shove them in the slammer...for the massacre of mice without a license...who issues the license...Donald Duck from Dayton...I mean seriously how stupid is this thing...ya gotta figure that if they found it necessary to enact such an assinine law...stands to reason they dug the rabbit hole a little deeper and made it damn near impossible to get such a license without providing legitimate documentation of their citizenship...of course all things considered in the current society...those born here naturally have no chance in hell of getting a license for this season or the foreseeable future...illegal aliens will probably be provided a weapon of choice and an abundance of ammunition...as well as enough tags to fill a ten story sidewalk taco station...it's only illegal in this country if it applies to people who are LEGALLY here...anyone else can break the law at will...that's what DEPORTATION is for...a temporary means of getting them out of the country long enough not to be charged...ya know what else is probably on the books in good old Cleveland, Ohio...the right to bear arms...the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...the right to protect yourself, your family and your property from intruders...and since it's safe to assume that the mice weren't invited into the home...they have forced entry and could pose a threat...which means you can kill them without a license...see how laws circumvent each other...pretty neat huh...ya just hafta look deep enough and twist the damn things to your benefit...lawyers do it everyday and get paid for it...pay attention...I'm tryin to teach ya some money savin' techniques...I'm pretty sure you could even kill a mouse in the yard...so long as NOBODY sees ya...and supposing you are fast enough to drag the body into the house before the Deputies from Disney show up and go all GOOFY on your ass...hey if it'll work for humans it damn sure better work for rodents...I don't understand why it's so hard for them to just remove ignorant archaic laws from the books...its NOT like it's gonna cost an arm and a leg to do...and I'm fairly certain the citizens of Ohio aren't going to object...it just doesn't make sense...unless somebody is thinking that maybe these laws will be put back into use after an apocalyptic event...such as the foreboding 2012 doomsday conspiracy...I so can't wait for that...massive panic in the streets...electrical grids collapsing...communication towers failing...the whole world tossed into chaos and disarray...it's going to be EPIC...especially when I dance through the empty streets buck naked on the 22nd of December...full mouse traps dangling behind me all the way through the state of OHIO...I'll even take pictures of me with them at Jacob's Field...my question is...if it's such a problem how come the mafia hasn't capitalized on producing fake mouse hunting licenses for the goombahs in Cleveland...seems odd they'd take the risk and get thrown in prison over something that insignificant...ya wanna know why...because NOBODY cares about OHIO...what do they have...more roads and slower speed limits...buncha dumbasses...it's NOT a safety precaution either...they're hoping that more people will slow down and STOP somewhere...end up stuck and have to forge out a living...like everyone else above the warm weather belt known as the equator...I think it's the cold weather personally...it screws with a person's ability to think...because here's the thing...the cherry on top if you will...I am constantly urging the readers of this column to think outside the box...if you haven't caught onto that by NOW...there's NO saving you...having said all I've said previously about the subject of mouse hunting licenses...one of you should be able to point out the greatest flaw of all...the forgotten information...the carrot that dangles before the horse...the one thing that NOT only provides a viable and logical solution to the catching of mice without the need for a license...citizens of CLEVELAND...hail these words...and you shall enjoy years of mouse free existence without ever having to drop another penny on a stupid ass license...BUY A CAT...it's MONDAY people...let's try to be better prepared tomorrow...shall we...I'd hate to think that I could mislead you so deftly without any of you catching on to the misdirection...and don't lie about it...you weren't even thinking about CATS...cuz you haven't slurped down your $30.00 cup of STARBUCKS SLUDGE...remember the early bird may get the worm...but it's the second mouse that gets the CHEESE!!!

ALCOHOLIC ANTS!!!

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated...

I shouldn't hafta tell you what is wrong with this tidbit...but if I didn't...who would...somebody else with just as limited knowledge as the author of this assinine comment...and then where wouldja be...NO closer to the truth...for 1 ants don't have ID cards so anyone serving them alcohol is subject to charges of Contributing to the Delinquency of Minors...2nd...ants have NO money...so they can't pay for their drinks...and NOBODY likes to buy drinks for someone they can't take home and wonder about in the morning...3...and probably the most important bit of relative information debunking this stupidity is the anatomy of an ants body...look closely...and you will realize that the leg placement of this little industrious molder of mountains is incapable of laying on its side...I swear sometimes I wonder where these stand up...former shaken baby syndrome stooges come from...doesn't gimme much of a reason to buy into any of the other scientific crap they come up with...I mean seriously...billions of dollars have been WASTED on educational efforts in this country alone...billions more on useless scientific studies...STOP lookin' for a DAMN answer to a QUESTION that hasn't been asked yet...I mean holy sh*t people...I coulda fed half of Africa with the money this anatomically ignorant ambassador of the arts spent on educating himself incorrectly...let's put some of that money to better use...instead of financially funding future generations college endeavors...how about we build some DAMN barriers along our borders...and I don't just mean a couple of reinforced walls that they can dig under...put these kinda people out there with guns...its a WIN-WIN situation we keep illegals to a minimum...and if NOTHING else we lose a few dipshits...either way it's a better world...up until today I didn't have one single cell of my being curious about the after effects of intoxication as it applied to ants...and I still don't...I'm sure ants have their own stresses and troubles and if they wanna get pissy drunk and stumble home...wobble into the whole and fall flat on his face...who cares...they're NOT an integral part of society...I don't care if they don't show up for work tomorrow...or if they end up dying from alcohol poisoning...How do you even know if alcohol affects ants the same way it does humans...it just doesn't make any damn sense...for all we know alcohol burns off the right legs of an ants body causing it to appear to lay down on its side...in which case its torture and not really science at all...I have a theory that the author was an imbiber himself and it was he who found himself laying on his right side...with a decidedly different visual concept of the world around him...explaining why this alcoholic thinks he made a remarkable new discovery...show of hands...who thinks we should stop educational funding altogether???  I dare say that knowledge gained on the streets better prepares you for life than the continuous flow of crap coming outta colleges...I mean DAMN...if this is the best we get for giving up millions in student loans that NEVER get paid back...then where's the benefit???  I can sit here and make up dumbass...unproven statements all day long...and I NEVER dropped a dime on furthering my education...I do it all the time...my kids shake their heads so much you'd think they were havin a seizure...the difference is I do it outta boredom and to get a laugh or a smile over sayin' somethin' so ridiculous ou just hafta stop and think for a minute...DID I REALLY JUST HEAR THAT???  These people actually believe they are doing something for the greater good of all mankind...I don't get it...you wanna improve the quality of life for all mankind...get rid of corrupt forms of government...don't sit around flushin' more money down the toilet by sharin you beverages with the little things in life...this guy has his head so far up his ass he has anal warts for ears...we gotta STOP lettin' these people breed...its like a shallow pool plague or somethin'...they just keep climbin' outta the sewers and reachin' new heights of...(my mom's new favorite word)...F**KTARDISM...and for those of you who don't know what that is...as I explained to my dear Mother just yesterday...it's when people fall into that grey area of being halfway between retarded and being too f**kin' stupid to know you're DUMB...it's NOTTA place you wanna be...but unfortunately several morons wander mindlessly into this category on a daily basis...and what can we do...NOT MUCH...it's currently illegal to possess other people as pets or we could just keep them penned in the back yard when we were away...HEY...don't look at me...I don't have the answers to everything...just highly recommended suggestions...we need to start raising the level of intelligence in this country and we need to do it quickly...CHINA & INDIA are kicking our asses LITERALLY...I know...I know...it's hard to imagine living in a world where you can actually understand what the person on the other end of the phone is saying...but we hafta try...and this seems like just the type of job for these people...simple...uncomplicated...you don't hafta have ANY of the CORRECT answers...you just need to know how to put people on hold and transfer calls to people who are a smidgen smarter than you...with any luck you'll be promoted to one of these positions...then all you hafta do is learn how to politely say...HEY BUDDY...YA THINK I GIVE A SHIT YOU'RE HAVIN' PROBLEMS...I SHOWED UP TO WORK TODAY WITH A HERNIA AND HEMORRHOIDS...MY WIFE WON'T GET OFF MY ASS ABOUT THE DAMN KIDS DENTAL NEEDS...AND I HAVE A HANGOVER FROM A 3 DAY BINGE...YOU AIN'T GETTIN' SHIT OUTTA ME...SO BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS...WHADDAYA GONNA DO...COME THROUGH THE PHONE AND BEAT MY ASS...HAVE A NICE DAY!!!  You're gonna need to change that up a bit...political correctness and all...but you get the jist of the picture...it's just another position where ya get to pass the buck...but hey at least there people...LIKE ME...expect YOU to be as IGNORANT as a MAD BASTAHD...you folks have a GREAT WEEKEND...and don't go drinkin with ants...chances are you still not gonna get in their PANTS!!!

T-ROOSTER!!!

The closest living relative to the T-rex is the chicken...

Striking resemblance there is too...so lemme see if I got this right...a huge meteor crashes to Earth and obliterates all the dinosaurs...and instead of coming back as a ferocious creature covered in scales with a voracious appetite...we get a chicken...well at least NOW we know the answer to the age old question...what came first the chicken or the egg...apparently it was a scaly raptor like creature that came first...I love it when they do scientific comparisons on two animals that couldn't possibly be further apart in the Animal Kingdom...it's like saying moths are the closest living relative to Pterodactyls...most of these morons are just as lost as the rest of us as to what happened to the evolutionary chain after the fireball fell from the sky...they make shit up faster than I do otherwise their funding would stop...see they are forced into finding answers...I'm NOT...I doubt things when they are presented...it's my right...people that don't often find themselves full of useless information that they carry around and pass off to others as legitimate...I find it very hard to believe that the biggest and most feared creature on Earth got hung out to dry by a meteor...and came back dressed up as a breakfast alternative...and summer time grilling item...I mean seriously...whaddaya gonna tell me next...that roosters crow because they're pissed off for gettin the short end of the stick...doubtful...I've NEVER quite understood how they keep hypothesizing that birds are the direct descendants of large ass lizards from prehistoric times...what were there NO birds in existence before the meteor...they just all the sudden appeared out of thin air once the smoke settled...doesn't make much sense does it...look I have one very simple way of debunking this myth once and for all...the Japanese people are key...history shows us that the Japanese people are warriors...the Samurai...the Kamikaze...and they are all born into martial arts of some sort or another...history also shows that they have a tremendous fear of...GODZIRRA...the biggest T-Rex ever recorded...so if CHICKENS were the direct descendants of their most feared land lizard...don'tcha think they would be runnin Helter Skelter through the local markets screamin their little raw fish eating heads off...of course they would...so don't go tellin' me that GODZIRRA turned into an egg layin' little shit factory...I ain't buyin it...it's more probable that the closest living relative to the T-Rex is the might Gecko from Geico...I'm more likely to believe talking lizards with undecipherable accents are the long lost relatives of the raptor T-Rex than I am CHICKENS evolved due to underdeveloped T-Rex hatchlings...seriously...where do they even come up with this shit...do a little homework...we dropped bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki that were touted to have similar effects as a meteor from outer space...and it didn't stunt their growth or cause them to sprout feathers and peck for food...if anything it made them smarter...they NO longer require a NAVY to kick our asses...maybe NOT in a physical confrontation...but everyone reading this has something made in Japan sitting in their houses or driveways...so on the economic front...they are clubbing us like baby seals...taking that into account...one would hafta believe that the T-Rex completely perished in the...Big Rock Fall From Sky...period of history...they didn't morph into another creature and continue to thrive...I mean think about it...look at the other creatures from those periods...woolly mammoth...turns into an elephant...makes sense right...I mean big world wide fire...one would expect the wool to fall from the mammoth...leaving a smooth skin tanned by the excessive heat...other big creatures may have shrunk a bit in overall stature...so would you huddled up in caves and holes waiting for the planet to cool and heal itself...but to go from something a couple of stories tall...predatory natural instinct...to something used for eggs and a substitute for red meat...NOT on any planet...NOT under any evolutionary possibility...just because some birds have feathers that are shaped similar to what we know scales looked like...doesn't mean lizards made the leap to flight...if it does...we need to start rethinking which species on this planet is the smartest...because man has dreamed of being able to fly like a bird since the dawn of man...and the closest we can come is flight suits...used to soar through the air up to ten miles when launched from the appropriate height at the back of an AIRCRAFT...there's NO way lizards learned how to shift from scales to feathers and master flight in such a short amount of time...sometimes Freedom of Speech can be a dangerous thing...such as when it is left in the hands of people with IQ's lower than their age...I swear...if ya follow me on FB you've already heard this...but I'm hosting Chute-less Skydiving Tryouts for those with just such an IQ...first jump is FREE!!!

Thrones & Stones!!!

Prince Charles collects toilet seats...

Well doesn't that beat all...apparently the Crown Jewels just aren't enough...NOW he needs a multitude of man ham seating arrangements for when he gets kicked outta the runnin for the real throne...what the hell could he possibly want with toilet seats...I mean of all things to collect he chooses ass catchers...no wonder Diana left his ass...ugly mistresses and shitty hobbies...that's enough to drive anyone away...whaddaya think he uses them for...an asshat...whadda dumbass...I guess it could be worse...Dubya tried to collect WMD...can't imagine why that failed so miserably...probably got the same bad intel as old Charles there...only Charles misunderstood WMD to stand for...Weapons for Monarchial Dumbasses...and he got more than his fair share before shit got too deep in the desert...why on Earth would you collect the seats your subjects have been planting their asses on...that isn't a hobby...it's a freaky ass fetish...literally...where do ya suppose he keeps them all...at the palace...does he have a whole closet full on a rotating rack...so he can just go in and hit a button until the one that catches his eye comes along...that's beyond odd...that's something you'd expect from somebody who's a few jester's shy of being able to hold court...I don't understand where the hell these people get off...collections of ridiculous shit...and for what a footnote in the history books signifying eccentricity...collect something worthwhile dipshit...like enough coins to regain control of a lost empire of which you are only a figurehead...with no authority...and apparently too much time on your hands...makes ya wonder...are the Crown Jewels backed by toilet seats...completely useless...kinda like the currency system here in the States...printed on high quality ass paper...I can't for the life of me figure out what went wrong in this mush melon's cranial chamber...ya don't normally collect things that have little resale value...it's like throwin' your money in the commode...I don't get it...I mean I collect things...like masks from all around the world...phone numbers from willing...or at least severely inebriated females...you know things that have a value attached to them...toilet seats NEVER even entered the picture of possibility when I decided what I would like to adorn my walls with...NOT that I hang random numbers on my walls...that would be stupid...I hang those on telephone poles so everyone can enjoy them...packaged with nice little WANTED posters...see ya just can't do that with toilet seats...NOBODY would take ya seriously...might as well stand there with the damn things around your neck like a human horseshoe pin...RINGER or LEANER...you be the Judge...I knew there was a reason the British Empire couldn't handle there own business during the Wars...they were too busy stockpiling toilet seats for the future King of F**kdumb...it's gonna be damn hard to eradicate stupidity if we continue to allow it to climb to the upper echelons of royalty and political offices...I can't even take those people over there seriously...buncha crumpet munchin teabaggers...I still don't understand why we didn't wait until the whole damn island was sacked before we went and saved their asses...they still think they're better than everyone else...got the same sense of humor as a dry stick of kindling...the only things worth saving in England are the Benny Hill and Monty Python films...maybe I'm way off base here...some of you might see something else of value from across the pond...but I personally don't see it...when the heir to the Throne is collecting things people pass caca thru...the outlook for you and your countrymen has got to be rather bleak and disheartening wouldn't ya think...I dare say I wouldn't follow my country's figurehead if he were a toilet seat collector...thankfully he's just a birth certificate dodgin'...former goat herder who's on his way out...waiting to be replaced by the next Great White Dope...I can't wait to see what type of tyrannical...toilet seat sniffin'...friend of England we get next...ten to one it's somebody who couldn't catch common sense in a bucket if it fell like rain...Happy Humpday!!!

VEGETABLE HEADS!!!

In 1893 the US Supreme Court ruled that the difference between a fruit and a vegetable is as follows:  “Any plant or part thereof eaten during the main dish is a vegetable.  If it is eaten at any other part of the meal, it is a fruit.”...

And that folks...should tell ya all ya need to know about the legal system in America...the rulings handed down by the courts are biased and incorrect...what the hell does the Supreme Court know about fruits and vegetables...seriously...what if I'm havin' a Fruit Salad for dinner...and nothing else...am I eating both fruits and vegetables...or are the vegetables I'm mislabeling as fruits...and for that matter...what if I have a Blueberry muffin for dinner...during the course of the meal...and then a bowl of blueberries and cream for desert...is one different than the other...do they grow blueberries for muffins in a different way than those they use as a desert item...I DOUBT it...it's a NEVER ending vicious cycle of stupidity...and since this occurred in 1893...there stands a better than average chance we have located the genetic formula for ignorance...and it starts at the top...which means the rest of us are F**KED...we have NO chance of infiltrating their ranks and solving the problem...the IDIOTS control the Judicial system...most branches of government...alright...ALL BRANCHES...and the damn money...leaving the rest of us to figure out what the hell is what...and is often the case with this type of dumbass ruling...NOBODY in the history of man has ever been arrested...tried...or convicted of eating fruit with the main course of dinner or munching on a vegetable afterwards...I woulda thought that the US Supreme court had more common sense...silly me...giving credit where NONE is due...apparently it was too difficult for them to take a look at their own children and come up with a more appropriate ruling..."Anything kids turn their noses up at and refuse to eat...is a vegetable...anything they seem to like and want more of is a fruit"...at least that woulda been more in tune with the definition of the two food groups...one of my favorite snacks as a kid was celery and peanut butter...I NEVER realized that if I ate it with dinner it was a vegetable...but if Momma offered after dinner it was a fruit...SHE lied to me...shame on you...LOL...apparently SHE knew how to get her kids to eat vegetables according to the law...by advertising them as healthy fruits...makes me wonder what else I wasn't privvy to in my formative years...was that gelatinous shit called SPAM...actually edible...or did SHE pull one over on us then too...I also wonder when these moronic mental giants finally figured out the real difference between fruit and vegetables...or are they still imposing this ruling...I'll bet the damn thing is still on the books...it would reflect badly on those who impose...if they hadta admit they were wrong...it would open up a whole new can of worms to deal with...the repercussions of which would be endless...and according to this tidbit...a portion of the idiots who came up with this ruling musta been eaten during the main course of a meal...since they all seem to have a vegetative imagination and the common sense to go with it...I'm always amazed at how the ones elected or appointed to look out for the benefit of all mankind...haven't got a clue as to what they are doing 90% of the time...and yet...because of ties to other blue bloods in power they continue to get to the head of the pack and subject the rest of us to fathomless depths of depravity and anal retentive thought processes...whereby their heads are firmly lodged up their asses...and their sphincters are choking of any remaining oxygen...it kills the human spirit to think we live by the laws others think are going to promote the health and well-being of everyone uncontrollably beneath them...as a tribute to dumbass dictatorial laws the world over...I am preparing Peach Cobbler...Apple Pie...Cheesecake and Cherries Jubilee for dinner tomorrow night...the desert will be Potatoes...Green Beans...and Spinach Dip...and I dare someone to knock on my door with a Search Warrant...have a fabulous Thursday...and don't forget to eat your veggies...with your main course!!!

NO I SAID SHEEP!!!

When the KKK first started the original idea was for them to wear a white sheep.  A clerical error was made and the supplies department ordered 500 white sheets by mistake...

I doubt very seriously the authenticity of this statement...seems to me that if you were starting up an organization of this nature...you would want sheets over sheep any day...I mean...CORRECT me if I'm wrong here...but this was a southern state kinda thing at inception right???  So who the hell wants to go ridin around in the middle of the night on horseback in August heat in Alabama...wearin a dead SHEEP carcass...that would make more sense if it were a northern tradition...SHEEP...hey I gotta an idea fellas...let's get us 500 dead SHEEP pelts...and ride around carryin' torches...we're sure to scare the shit outta people...SERIOUSLY...if you believe this shit buy a gun and I'll send bullets...I mean who thinks of this crap...it's like somebody was eating a bowl of alphabet soup that had NO vowels...it makes my mind numb just thinkin' that people like this exist among us...it means that the possibility for future flesh sacks with little in the way of a conscious thought...is more of a nightmare than at any other time in human history...ya know it's times like these when I wish I knew how to dissect the human brain...look deep into the psyche of these morons and figure out where the seed turned bad...maybe we could develop a preventative medicinal technique to help curb the onset of epidemic idiocy...it'll come right after the famine epidemic that is sure to follow this current obesity epidemic we face now...everything's an epidemic these days...it's ridiculous...people can't eat what they want...and enjoy life as they see fit...with about bein' stereotyped...and now ya got the new King of Catastrophic Caca de la Cabeza...throwin out hairbrained ideas like this...NOW I don't pretend to be a history buff...and when it comes to topics of this nature it is best to tread lightly...but I firmly believe that the sheet was chosen...with eyes and mouth cut out...as a direct depiction of how they viewed those they hunted and massacred...the common ignorance of the day was that black people could only be seen at night by the whites of their eyes and the gleam of their teeth...so the sheet and cut out features contrasted this image sharply...had they rode around with sheep on their backs they woulda been hunted themselves by wolves...and rounded up by shepherds...counterproductive to the cross burnings and hangings they had planned for the evening...and did this dumbass pay attention to the fact that SHEETS can be ordered and purchased in mass quantity as one size fits all apparel...whereas sheepskin...ya kinda need a wide variety of different size BAA-BAA's...that can be troublesome and cumbersome when ordering replacements...it wouldn't have been worth the effort...you can hunt down and kill humans you disagree with or don't like...while at the same time runnin' around slaughtering sheep so ya won't get caught...it's gonna come back to haunt ya...and where in the hell does th number 500 come from...no organization...good or BAD...starts off with a membership of 500 people...they usually start out much smaller and tend to grow by word of mouth advertising...especially back then...ya gotta getta few volunteers to print off some posters...run them around town and tack them to poles or place them in winda's...hoping to recruit more members...seems an awful big first assumption that the whole concept was gonna take off...unfortunately 500 wasn't more than enough...it's too BAD that in this day and age we continue to see this type of ignorance displayed...NOT only against black people...there are several ethnicities or groups of people that are ostracized and left to defend for themselves with very little protection...and as terrible as that is...they have the brightest future...HEY...they get to inherit the EARTH...apparently after the rest of us are done pissin' all over it like we OWN shit around here...that's why I don't mind writin about these kinda things...because I really don't care what your skin color is...where ya came from...how big...tall...fat...small...skinny and thin or huge with a grin...NONE of that SH*T matters...what matters the most is how you use that grey wet bulbous piece of cranial luggage you carry around...when you start believin that the KKK mis-ordered 500 SHEETS...instead of the SHEEP they thought they were gettin'...I get to make fun of your dumb ass...it amazes me that you can breathe...I mean you obviously aren't a user of cinnamon...otherwise we wouldn't ne havin this coversation...at least according to one of your distant relatives...it's only Wednesday...look at that word...only in the ENGLISH language is it possible to mispronounce a word on a weekly basis...and NOBODY knows this better than Brett FAV-RE...(AADDWMM...Adult Attention Deficit Disorder With Medical Marijuana)...sorry...got side tracked...we have 2 more days until the WEEKEND...this Friday is a new National Greek Holiday...and the 40th Anniversary of Animal House...(IDK if that's true...made it up...figured I might share that with ya...in case there are those among ya that are as gullible as the SHEEP herder who came up with this tidbit)...so TOGA's are MANDATORY...NO SHEEP!!!

BITCH PLEASE!!!

Starburst had to change its slogan from “The Juice is Loose” to “Turn up the Juice” after the OJ Simpson fiasco....

This may be true...but it's one of the DUMBEST things I've heard to date...NOT once in the 45 years I've been walkin' this planet have I ever mis-associated the Starburst candy company as having ties to the biggest MURDER UN-MYSTERY on this continent...EVERYBODY but the f**kin' legal system knows he did it...and NOBODY thought he was a spokesman for Starburst...or that he was eating the candy during the KILLINGS...NOW...if he had had a candy bar named after him...like the Babe Ruth...then I could understand a shift in the advertising slogan...but there wasn't an OJ SIMPSON anything...the guy obviously sucked at promoting himself to endorsement companies...ya didn't see a buncha Florida Orange Groves freak out and change sh*t on their cartons or come up with new slogans didja...NO...because they didn't have anything to do with him EITHER...besides...what the hell kinda advertising department do ya have there at Starburst...who's the genius that thought..."Turn up the Juice"...was a better idea...hadn't he done enough already...the guy kills two people...and you think..."The Juice is Loose"...needs to crank it up a notch eh...BRAVO...what's the next evolution from the advertising idiots employed at this numbnuts facility..."The Juice has been Jailed"..."The Juries out on the Juice"..."Juice ya can't find in Jersey"...hey think of it this way...you morons wait til just the right moment and shift back to the original and it will be the biggest advertising success story in American Iconic Advertising History...wait til the bastahd comes up for parole and gets released...then switch back to..."The Juice is Loose fo real YO"...and it will apply to the ass rapings he received in prison...truth in advertising...as they say...is the rock upon which successful companies are built...IDK if that's actually a saying...it just sounded good...didn't it...that's what I thought...some things just don't make sense...like how you can return a NOT GUILTY verdict in a case that ended up resulting in a CIVIL SUIT that issued a financial reward to the poor gal;s parents in a wrongful death finding...WHAT???   Only in America...where it's possible to get hot coffee from a fast food facility...clumsily spill it in your lap...and sue and win for millions of dollars...I can't count the times I've tripped...stumbled...stubbed my toe...fell on my ass...or had some other inconvenience occur and NEVER been afforded the opportunity of suing the company responsible for making the curb an 1/8th of an inch too high...or causing the concrete to fracture and stick up just enough to catch the bottom of my shoe...ya know when ya STOP to think about it...there isn't one single reason any of us should hafta work...except for those in the legal system...the rest of us should have some grounds for filing a lawsuit protecting us from our own STUPIDITY...I'm kinda glad this little tidbit made it to our list of subjects to comment on...learn from...and educate ourselves further with regards to the future...who wants to join me in a boycott of the Starburst candy company...I don't think I wanna be purchasin' candy from a company that promotes letting killers free to perform more dastardly deeds...and promote the opportunity to "Turn it up"...I know...I know...sounds pretty far fetched and assinine...DON'T LOOK AT ME...THEY STARTED IT...I'm just pointing out the obvious...as is so often the case when information of a retarded nature finds its way onto my crowded calendar of dumbasses to deal with...probably a damn good thing I'm NOT in advertising...I woulda changed the slogan to..."HE DID IT...HE DID IT...THE GLOVE FITS THE HAND"...or..."KATO IS INNOCENT...HE'S A SCAPEGOAT"...something a little more in tune with the times...probably the best slogan they could come up with for the current climate is..."THE JUICE GETS IT'S JUNK JERKED IN JAIL!!!"

FUN-GUY!!!

The USDA allows a maximum of six maggot eggs or partial carcasses in every can of canned mushrooms...

...and that alone should tell you everything you need to know about the United States Department of Assholes...seriously...6 MAGGOT eggs or machine separated body parts in each can of mushrooms...what size can...cuz that makes a difference...if that's 6 oz cans...that's alotta dead fly shit in your serving of fungus...Momma loves fungus...big beefsteak and portabello's...mmmm...mmmm...TASTEEEEE!!!  Quite honestly I couldn't care less...I've been fed SPAM before...and there's no tellin' what's in that SHIT...hooves...lips...assholes...testicles...and floor sweepings...I'm pretty confident in my body's ability to contain, control and eradicate certain inedible delicacies that the USDA permits to be labeled as consumable food...I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER about the authenticity of this tidbit...you wouldn't believe what is considered acceptable in other food products that hit the shelves of the stores you shop in...and guess what...you poor dumbass VEGANS...VEGETARIANS...& LEAF-EATERS have it the worst...where the hell do you think most of the worlds bugs live...in leafy shit...EAT UP...(I hear you whinin' ass salad shitters already..."Animals eat plants...so the meat you get from them has the same contaminents)...NO...it doesn't...animals digest plant life different...especially cows...who have what 20 different stomachs according to some poor idiot we haven't run into yet...so it filters the bugs shit out...which means what people...somebody please raise their hand...don't tell me you don't know the answer...it means...I EAT HEALTHIER THAN YOU DO...because dead animal carcass has less bug infestation...apparently we don't need anyone from the USDA to approve a damn thing for us...if we can digest 6 MAGGOT eggs in one setting...then who cares what the hell else we shove down our gullets...kinda makes you wonder what they allow to hang out in buckets of cottage cheese and shit...I mean look...I'm a HUGE fan of Blue Cheese...and that's clogged with bacteria...so who am I to judge...I also like Kim-Chee which is basically fermented rotten cabbage and some other stuff I'm fairly certain I could care less to know what it is...and the stench is almost horrifically unbearable...but I like to have a little from time to time...helps flush out the system...gets to all the stuff coffee leaves behind...and it's cheaper than that Colon Cleanse formula they offer on late night TV...it'll BLOW THE DOORS clean off the crapper...and I'm just as certain if you ran that stuff thru a strainer...MAGGOT eggs would be the least of your concerns...the USDA needs to adopt their own..."DON'T ASK...DON'T TELL" Policy...you don't wanna know how much shit is allowed in other food groups...kinda makes ya wonder just what the hell it is our taxpayin' dollars are being used for...hiring people to dictate acceptable amounts of consumable bug shit...makes me damn proud to file my 1040 every year I can tell ya that...overpaid pecker-headed sonsabitches...that's more than likely an exaggeration...there aren't a buncha people workin' at the USDA...there's one asshole on a 51 week vacation who shows up 4 days during his work week to make sure nobody has a excessive bug infestation in their daily quota...and he is getting lifetime benefits and health insurance...and more than likely the right can of mushrooms to prove compliance with the standards...the rest of us are being lied to and the problem is probably much worse then we are aware of...NOT that it matters...people in Japan eat RAW fish heads...desert dwellers think goat gonads are delicacies...so I'm NOT gonna complain about a couple of baby flies in my fungus fondue...it's FRIDAY people...SMILE be HAPPY...GRIN like ya hava SECRET...it'll keep everyone else in suspense!!!

UH-HUH!!!

Children grow faster in the springtime...

Really???  So all that information they taught us in Biology class just goes flyin' out the window right???  Growth patterns and genetics don't play a role in how fast a person grows eh...that's amazing...I had no idea that children were like plant matter...capable of growing faster in the Spring...and slowing down in the Winter...I wonder...do children in tropical climates grow at the same pace year round...or are their bodies subject to the seasons even if they don't actually exist on that part of the planet...I'll tell ya...I have a medicinal marijuana card...which allows me to make ignorant comments like the one we're dealin' with...the difference is when I make ridiculous remarks like that...I'm usually surrounded by dumbasses who don't know any better...I don't publish them on the Internet as pertinent facts...if children grew faster in the Springtime...we would have continents full of little people...I mean think about it...Russia...predominantly cold year around...very little Spring or Summer in the uppermost northern regions...and yet...having lived in several different places and met people of every different ethnicity...except Aborigine's and the elephantitis sporting tribal people of Papau, New Guinea...and I'm pretty sure the whole...grow faster in the Springtime thing...applies to PLANTS...not ANIMALS...genetic inheritance is what determines the overall growth rate of any human being...not the reappearance of the sun when the seasons change...about the only thing that grows faster in the Springtime...aside from plants...is my impatience with the idiots who stayed hidden all Winter...why do they think it's necessary to come out when the weather warms and enlighten us with their dullness...children grow faster after they reach puberty...otherwise my poor brother would still need a step ladder to take a piss...that kid was 2 feet shorter than me the entire time we were kids...right up until the time I left home...now he damn near stares me right in the eye...and we lived in mostly southern states when we were growing up...plenty of sunshine...very little adverse winter weather to deal with...and it didn't stimulate a faster growth rate in any of us...this moron makes peanut farmers from Georgia seem brighter than draft dodgers from Texas...how proud his parents must've been when he came storming home to report the latest news..."Hey did you guys know that children grow faster in the Springtime?"  Damn am I glad my kids aren't completely clueless...not that I DON'T wish this tidbit were true...I'd open my own midget plantation...complete with irrigation and manicuring gardeners...right next to my newborn nurturing greenhouse...I'd call it..."Pop-em out 'n' Plant-em"...fully grown and work ready kids in 3 months...with our new human hydroponics system...no more raisin' them for 18 years just so they can tell ya whadda terrible job you did...and how much better off they'd be on their own...think about it...don't condemn it...life would be alot easier and less financially burdensome if our kids were ready to fend for themselves in a matter of months...as opposed to 18+ years...I mean...why not expand on the knowledge used for this tidbit and  report that...Living in colder climates stunts your growth...what kinda booze-riddled bathroom were you born in there ya bucketta barely functioning brain matter...ya know...I didn't pay attention very well in skewl...I really didn't hafta...which was apparently a blessing in disguise...lookin' back on things...because recent studies seem to indicate they don't teach one single bit of common sense in any of those classrooms...holy crap...I hated biology...anatomy and science...it was boring to say the least...and all those stupid ass periodic tables...seriously...all those damn letters and numbers...for what...to explain to me what makes up water...I don't care...as long as there is plenty of it during my lifetime...and even through all of that I was able to determine for myself...that people grow at different rates regardless of what age they are or the relative temperature outside...IDK...call me crazy...but if the wrong people get ahold of this information we're gonna end up having fields full of kids planted up to their thighs in warm climates all over the globe...it'll be epidemic...governments will step in and pay farmers subsidies to get them to stop raisin' crops of kids...the human slave trade of some Asian countries could be adversely affected...we wouldn't have Chinee westawaunts to visit..."Yu eet too much...Yu pay now"...hell the first time I heard those words I thought the lady was talkin' to her overweight son...and that his name was Yupay Nau...I had no idea she was referring to my 5th trip to the...All Yu Can't Eat Buffet...I'm tellin' ya it'll be an International disaster...countries will close their borders...ship all immigrants back to their native countries...which means everyone here but the Indians will hafta find a new place to live...ya know...on second thought...lemme go see if I can find significant evidence to support this theory...   ...   ...NOPE...I was right from the get go...this guy is the new Emperor of Idiots...and if you have ever seen...Night at the Museum...you'll get this...(until I return tomorrow)...All Hail...GUM GUM DUM DUM!!!

Zuckin' Fombies!!!

The human brain uses the same amount of energy as a 10-watt light bulb...

That is truly amazing...seldom have I come across such ignorance in my lifetime...let's see there are how many different kinds of light bulbs available on the market...incandescent...fluorescent...compact fluorescent...LED...halogen...just to name a few...and guess what???  They all use a different amount of energy to function...incandescent light bulbs use the most electricity...and I don't think there are many companies around that even manufacture a 10 watt light bulb anymore...you can get more visible light peekin' up an elephants ass...which coincidentally happens to be where this idiots entire head is lodged...the human brain might use as much energy as a 10 watt light bulb...regardless of variety...but most of the people who have one of these awesome machines floating around in their enormous cranial cavities...use about 5% of that energy to formulate their own opinions and thoughts...thankfully I have the capacity to soak up some of this unused energy and put it to good use...the problem is...even if your brain uses that much energy...if you as the sole owner of said thought capacitor...are incapable of harnessing that energy...it becomes irrelevant...people in a vegetative state manufacture the same amount of energy as the rest of us...and we aren't heaping any rewards on those meatsacks...some of them actually walk among us...and they feed me with fodder for our daily adventures down this timeless tunnel of truth...I only wish they shared the same other endearing qualities as a light bulb...you could switch them on and off as needed...mid-sentence when appropriate...and be relatively safe in assuming you would out live them and the ones that followed...you could just simply unscrew them and toss them aside...no harm...no foul...instead we let them litter the landscape like a buncha lollipop lickin'...light headed losers...that's enough to make any Native America stand on the side of a freeway and bawl their eyes out...let alone shed a single tear...I know it makes me cry myself to sleep sometimes...or maybe that's the medication...and I'm just exhausted and my eyes are watery...kinda hard to believe something that wastes as much energy as a 10 watt light bulb is responsible for inventing things that consume vastly superior quantities of energy...and things like the Internet...of course as I said not all of us operate the same...some of us have a 25 watt bulb lighting the path to freedom...while others are as dimly witted as a flickering candle flame...8 years people...8 years...this country was led by just such an individual...those big ass ears funneled oxygen towards the flame to no avail...it just wasn't able to hear the words on the wind...and all mankind suffered from the stupidity...some of those affected went on to conduct extensive research about the energy of the human brain...and elected to compare it to a 10 watt light bulb...apparently lacking the capacity to use something from the modern era...seems to me there was a short in the wiring...somebody sucked up a shit load of energy...cost their home owner a ton of money on the electric bill...and failed miserably and providing sufficient light...if ya catch my drift...this smacks of college stupidity...how do I know this...because they don't tech dumbass shit like that in high school...you hafta be in a class full of other money wastin' morons that's open to debate...and focuses on ridiculous scientific studies to come up with somethin' this stupid...an advantage not afforded to high school students...they don't hafta pay to get dumber...they just hafta show up...college kids hafta siphon off significant financial funds so they get a little more say in what the hell they are fed as useful information...unfortunately they are too stupid to formulate their own opinions until they reach the age of retirement...at which time that little 10 watt light bulb finally kicks in and they say..."F**K ME was I ever a dipshit for wastin' those years in school"...but have no fear...help is available...thanks to indoor plumbing...they can now run to the toilet...stick their heads in...and hit the flush handle repeatedly...it might not get rid of all the shitty ideas...but I would sure get a chuckle knowing they were taking my advice!!!  Have a great day...and remember...turn off the lights when you leave the building...don't run up a bill you can't afford!!!

CAT-MAN-WHO

In ancient Egypt you could be put to death for killing a cat...

Isn't that odd...Egypt...considered to be a land mass occupied by some of the earliest known humans...forbids the killing of cats...or they did...quite some time ago...NOW I'm NOT one of those braniacs that soaks up information like a dry sponge in a thunderstorm...by any means...but it seems I recall hearing something about the evolution of migration among human beings that basically says that's where we all started...and as we started to become disenfranchised with each other we began to separate and travel...by foot...to other areas of land...until we finally came to a frozen ocean bridge and crossed onto a completely different land mass and soiled it's shores as well...that means that people who cook food in Chinee westawaunts...originally came from Egypt too...didn't they get the damn memo...those bastards serve cat daily...how did that happen anyway...leave Egypt...walk a couple thousand miles or more...settle down...start eating cat...pick up roots and head further east...cross a frozen land mass...and viola'...stop eating cat again...it's either a respected pet...or it's a food source...it can't be both...look around...ya don't see many pet cows do ya???  NO...that's because they're too damn tasty to stroke lovingly at the nape of the neck...why do ya think Buffalo herds were decimated in the olden days...they were tastier than cows and provided more food per animal than cattle did...cats however have NEVER looked tasty in my opinion...we've had several of them as pets when we were younger...and though NOT normally as violently playful as say a Pit Bull or Rottweiler...they can be trained to attack under the right conditions...and believe me...if you piss off the wrong cat...it's like spendin a week in a feminist club during the wrong time of the month...you're likely to get your head separated from your body like some praying mantis prodigy...you're better off avoiding such contact when possible...when unavoidable it is best to skirt around the offended feline at a distance greater than extended claw range...IDK what those damn Egyptians were thinkin' anyway...cats aren't like cows in Calcutta...they aren't worshipped like some demi-god...NOT that I agree with the unnecessary killing of animals that should serve as pets...but let's be realistic...if you let these things run around un-spayed or without being neutered...you're just askin' for more westawaunts than you can shake a stick at...we'll be flooded with cat and pigeon cuisine...I know...I know...you don't believe they use pigeons...ask yourself what is on that stick being advertised as Teriyaki chicken...chicken doesn't look like that...skinned rat does...pigeon parts can also look remarkably like chicken on a stick...smarter advertising is the only thing these establishments have going for them...if they toldja what you were actually eating half the population of China wouldn't even touch it...I have a cat right now...Simba...he's an orange tiger striped tabby cat...he's a mongrel cat if I ever saw one...I think he lives in a couple of different houses as a matter of fact...he often comes home for periods of five minutes...just to say HI...then out the door he goes...off doin what cats do...NOTHIN'...I look at that little bastard sometimes and wonder if he's thinkin' what his eyes are conveyin'..."Hey dumbass...how's life kickin' you in the balls...cuz I'll tell ya what...I've got it made...you idiots feed me...so I don't hafta hunt and fend for myself...I get to come and go as I please...SEX...SLEEP...and EAT...that's all I do...and you morons think you're the smarter race...ya haven't figured out how to live without money yet tho have ya...by the way...I could use a fresh flush at the old water trough...gettin' kinda thirsty and that's the coldest water in town"...Yeah really...that's what I think the little f**ker is sayin' to me every time he looks my way...that's why I mess with him constantly...I'll wait til he is all nice and comfy...sprawled out sleepin on my side of the bed and I'll leap high into the air...land on the opposite side of the bed and send his little ass to Airborne school...paybacks bitch...ya don't carry that kinda attitude around here without payin' a price...here recently he has grown fond of laying at my feet while I am busy working on the computer...a perfect spot to dribble a little water on him while he takes his afternoon nap...and don't feel bad for this pet of mine...we have a reciprocal relationship...he waits until I get laid down for bed and am just about to fall into deep REM before he pounces on my chest and begins meowing until I get up and let him out...and he does it on purpose...if I try to boot him out the door before I go to bed he goes and cries by the window until I let him back in...he hasta be in here long enough to watch me fall asleep before he takes action...so ya see...he deserves the wee bit of torture I subject him to...I'm thinkin' of havin' him stuffed...NOT sure when...might be sooner than he thinks if he keeps givin me cattitude...have a great day folks...enjoy basking in the warm glow of flourescent lighting...while you're cat is home slumbering in the sun!!!

In...3...2...1...WE'RE BACK!!!

In Tennessee it’s illegal for a female to drive a motor vehicle unless there is a man on the hood with a shotgun, which is used to shoot off rounds of ammunition to alert oncoming drivers there is a woman at the wheel...

Because apparently the Big 3 have decided in their infinite wisdom to eliminate the horn feature from all vehicles sold in the great state of CANYASEE...or maybe it's because their women are so PURRRRTY...hair in rollers...30 kids in the backseat from 18 different fathers...that shiny one toothed grin...gleaming like the rusty grill of a long forgotten Cadillac...that beautiful tent dress billowing out the driver's side window...as they bombard their way down the highway...legs and arms of southern fried spawn flailing out of every available orifice on the car...that poor bastard isn't warning oncoming traffic...he's hopin' like hell she will hit somethin' big and put him out of his misery...why do you think they make moonshine in the Tennessee hills...it's so they can cope with these creatures that Bigfoot Hunters can't seem to find with a flashlight and some well placed..."I'mman idiot lost in the woods at night"...howls...I swear...who the hell is in charge at these places of ill refute...like the Tennessee State Senate...you make a guy carry a loaded gun...on the hood of a car...being driven by a woman...and you want him to keep the business end pointed towards the road???   Where the hell didja come up with that one...didn't put a lotta thought behind passin' that little law didja their dildos...I mean are you serious right now...I've ridden in cars with women before...it's not a pleasant adventure...especially if they are stuck in traffic...and the moon is full...if ya get my meaning...HOLY SH*T BATMAN...I'd rather swim in a pool full of razors for half an hour before rinsing off in a shark tank...I hate to say it ladies...but there are times your gender should be subject to house arrest...like every 28 days or so...for 7 to 10 days...MINIMUM...don't gimme that..."I'm not a menstrual monster"...bullshit either...just because you can stand yourself...doesn't mean the rest of us enjoy tolerating those tantrums that quiet the cacophony of a 2 year old in full turmoil...I mean I get the whole equal rights thing...but there are some among you who shouldn't be employed in certain fields...such as law enforcement...where your crazy one week a month ass gets to carry a loaded weapon...it's NOT fair to the rest of us...we're used to looking at disgruntled postal workers...I have a feelin' that any man riding on the hood of a vehicle in Tennessee...with a loaded shotgun...blastin' off rounds...is tryin to STOP the beatin' in his head from the headache caused by a combination of grain alcohol...and 2 and a half dozen screamin' kids that didn't spring from his loins...it has little to do with her ability to drive...that's why man built 4X4 vehicles...so women could just press the gas...and hope like hell they could get to where they were going without much effort in the shape of steering...why do you think the smart men join the military...so they can surround themselves with bigger vehicles that most women aren't allowed to drive yet...we're scared to death of sharing the roadways with you...(and before any of you start saying..."Hold on...one damn second here...women are safer drivers than men")...let me inform you that there are several residents of the Northern Michigan area...or who were present in this vicinity last weekend...(including much younger...and therefore faster...male relatives)...who will testify that my Momma has a lead foot with a 2 ton steel plate attached to the bottom...I don't wanna say she drove over the speed limit...but bullet trains don't travel that fast across Japan...there are still a few uprooted trees and overturned flower pots near a couple of cemeteries in the surrounding area...she did however refrain from committing self inflicted...bug swatting amnesia...so all in all it was a great weekend...we didn't have any toofless hillbillies hood huntin' heifers up here...which is probably a good thing...because these guys up here are always on the lookout for the next great huntin' idea...and the last thing we need in this neck of the woods is more alcohol related huntin' activities...I think a better idea would be to build women their own roads...then you can all zig zag in and out of traffic with your make-up kits out...blue tooth in...Starbucks coffee cup propped on the dashboard...chit chattin' and gettin' ready for work...while the rest of us get safely from one destination to another without having to honk our horns or drive over pedestrians to avoid runnin' into your safe drivin' selves...who wants to take a trip to Tennessee this weekend and make a few civil arrests???   Any takers???   Buncha party-poopers...off to work with ya then...have a great MONDAY MOANIN'!!!