Author Robert May had 3 names under consideration for his red-nosed reindeer-Reginald, Rollo, & Rudolph...
Actually Reggie woulda been a kewl name...but in the late '60's Reggie sported a fro...donned a beret and became a Black Panther instead...Rollo on the other hand wore polyester suits...ate planetary plates of pasta...and was the guy the Don sent to your house to bust your knee caps if ya didn't pay off your loan...that left Rudolph...Adolph's younger brother to fill the role of our beloved reindeer...who's nose turned as red as a rummy on New Year's Eve after his older brother rose to power...in light of the Holiday season...as well as the ending of Hunting season...I found an alternate version of the old song that I'd like to dedicate to all the hunters who are going out into the woods this morning for one final shot at baggin that elusive buck..."Rudolph the red nosed rein-BANG!"...short song...needs some work...probably why it didn't catch on so well...and what about all the other reindeer...were there any other names under consideration for them??? Dasher...Dancer...Prancer...and Vixen...sounds like a numbers runner @ Vegas...his pole dancing stripper sister...their gay, pit boss pimp of a brother...and their streetwalkin Mother...Comet...Cupid... Donner...and Blitzen...a stargazing wannabe astrologist...somebody who moonlights after valentine's Day to pay the rent...a country crossing band of ill equipped cannibals...and a WWII Nazi veteran bent on dropping bombs down chimneys all over England...the hispanic refer to the reindeer as...Las nueve bestias de carga que llevan el gordo color rojo con frijoles una vez al ano...which means...The nine beasts of burden who bring the fat red man with frijoles once a year...they have names for them like Juan...Julio...Jesus...Juanita... Conchita...Carlos...Pedro and Pablo...with Ramirez leading the way...of course in their version burro's replace the reindeer and instead of sleigh they're draggin behind them a broken down '66 Chevy Impala lowrider with a chubby gringo wearin a sombrero sittin on the hood...thru the border town of Old El Paso...Amazing how even the simplest of things are often repeated through out history...it's also rumored that Barbara Bush had 3 nicknames under consideration for her little red nosed Republican...Dumbo, Dipshit & Dumbass...can you imagine the live performance nativity scene @ the Bush family household every Christmas...Barbara as the Virgin Mary...George Sr as Joseph...Dick Chaney as the baby Jesus...Jeb... Jedidiah and our favorite short bus seat sniffer Dubya as the 3 wise men...I know...makes ya wanna cry for the future of mankind don't it...hell it would make me pray every night that the Annunaki get here early...lol... and who was the genius that came up with the color red for the nose...as a beacon to guide the sleigh thru dense fog...a drug addled poet without a clue as to the aspects of the color spectrum...that's who...you don't see big red shining orbs rotating along the coasts in lighthouses do ya...NO...and why??? Because if they were red they would mark the scene of shipwrecks instead of avenues to avoid such calamities...bearing that in mind...I firmly believe one day we will find that Santa Claus did...at one time...exist...and we'll find his frozen remains when the ice caps melt in the coming Global Warming epidemic...along with 4 and a half of the remaining reindeer...HEY...don't shoot the messenger...the rescue team probably got lost looking for a shiny red light in a fog filled blizzard and ended up in Pakistan shooting...verifying the identity of Osama...and dumping the evidence in some off shore casket...instead of airdropping a crate of cookies and a half dozen self milking...pre pasteurized cows to the rojo gringo so he could wait out the storm...the story will be re-written and poor Rudolph will go down in history as having eyesight worse than Don Quixote...the famous windmill warrior...red lights have a specific purpose...in Danish society...they mark the area vividly for brothels of ill reputable acts...Amsterdam anyone??? LOL
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
11/29/11
In the marriage ceremony of the ancient Inca's the couple was officially wed when they took off their sandals and handed them to each other...
thereby giving the other individual a last opportunity to run for their life and maintain their sanity...trading sandals...how retarded...I mean who in the hell wants a pair of sandals that aren't gonna fit...probably smell like ten years of wading thru llama dung...and carry the dreaded Inca Itch...a flesh rotting foot disease with no visible cure for the next century or so...what happened if the sandal straps broke...did that constitute divorce...seperation...what did they trade off if all they were interested in was a little friends with benefits situation...toenail clippings??? Probably piss off the Misses if ya came home from the bar wearing the wrong sandals wouldn't it...ancient civilizations had it made...no tuxedo rental...bridal gown purchase...your entire financial responsibility boiled down to a nice pair of pyramid climbers you could otherwise do without...simply brilliant...and in the event things don't pan out...what are ya losing out on...your old pair of kicks...which you probably paid for with a bushel of corn...or maybe a few colored rocks...can you imagine if things were still that simple in this day and age...me neither...ever looked inside a woman's closet...nothin but shoes...sandals and boots...scare the hell out of any prospective suitor I can tell ya that...for men it would more than likely still work...we really don't care that much about shoes...well most of us don't...as long as we're not making a living as an interior decorator...but women...try keepin a pair of her old shoes when the marriage is over...not gonna happen...doesn't matter that her feet haven't been inside those moccassin boots since the late 80's when they were in style...she will have more excuses for keepin those damn things than takin all your money in an alimony suit...maybe that's where the saying came from..."She took everything but the clothes on his back"...personally I doubt Incan men were ever very successful at courting...getting a woman to part with a pair of shoes...even K-Mart blue light specials would be almost as impossible as...say...inventing a calendar that predicted the end of time with absolute accuracy...marriage these days is far more complicated...you hafta enter into the agreement knowing ahead of time that the stats are stacked against you...that at least half if not more of what you've worked so hard to obtain will be sacrificed if things go south...the possibility of losing half your paycheck in child support every week...legal fees...court dates where people who haven't a clue as to who you are or what type of person you have become get to tell you what to do with your belongings and your money...who in their right mind wouldn't wanna keep their sandals to themselves and let the barefooted multitude of minions continue their trek thru life with scabs on their feet before considering taking that leap...sure make singles night at the bar a little more revealing... barefoot...corns...ingrown toenails...'Oh she's a keeper'...missin a few toes...gotta foot fungus that looks like barnacles on a shipwreck...unclipped tree gouging toenails...'Momma's got a hot date tonight'...manicured... painted and polished toenails with diamond accents...smoothly shaved legs...and an ankle bracelet...'Toss that celestial virgin into the fire'...a sacrifice to the sandal gods...pigeon toed...got a shiny set of Gump Gadgets tryin to correct the problem...a club foot...and a cane...'Sugar Daddy'...he's obviously been around the block a time or two and survived to fight another day...here's an idea...ever heard the phrase 'Walk a mile in my shoes'...do it before ya get married...that way if you change your mind you've got a mile head start and a new pair of Nike's!!! LOL!!!
thereby giving the other individual a last opportunity to run for their life and maintain their sanity...trading sandals...how retarded...I mean who in the hell wants a pair of sandals that aren't gonna fit...probably smell like ten years of wading thru llama dung...and carry the dreaded Inca Itch...a flesh rotting foot disease with no visible cure for the next century or so...what happened if the sandal straps broke...did that constitute divorce...seperation...what did they trade off if all they were interested in was a little friends with benefits situation...toenail clippings??? Probably piss off the Misses if ya came home from the bar wearing the wrong sandals wouldn't it...ancient civilizations had it made...no tuxedo rental...bridal gown purchase...your entire financial responsibility boiled down to a nice pair of pyramid climbers you could otherwise do without...simply brilliant...and in the event things don't pan out...what are ya losing out on...your old pair of kicks...which you probably paid for with a bushel of corn...or maybe a few colored rocks...can you imagine if things were still that simple in this day and age...me neither...ever looked inside a woman's closet...nothin but shoes...sandals and boots...scare the hell out of any prospective suitor I can tell ya that...for men it would more than likely still work...we really don't care that much about shoes...well most of us don't...as long as we're not making a living as an interior decorator...but women...try keepin a pair of her old shoes when the marriage is over...not gonna happen...doesn't matter that her feet haven't been inside those moccassin boots since the late 80's when they were in style...she will have more excuses for keepin those damn things than takin all your money in an alimony suit...maybe that's where the saying came from..."She took everything but the clothes on his back"...personally I doubt Incan men were ever very successful at courting...getting a woman to part with a pair of shoes...even K-Mart blue light specials would be almost as impossible as...say...inventing a calendar that predicted the end of time with absolute accuracy...marriage these days is far more complicated...you hafta enter into the agreement knowing ahead of time that the stats are stacked against you...that at least half if not more of what you've worked so hard to obtain will be sacrificed if things go south...the possibility of losing half your paycheck in child support every week...legal fees...court dates where people who haven't a clue as to who you are or what type of person you have become get to tell you what to do with your belongings and your money...who in their right mind wouldn't wanna keep their sandals to themselves and let the barefooted multitude of minions continue their trek thru life with scabs on their feet before considering taking that leap...sure make singles night at the bar a little more revealing... barefoot...corns...ingrown toenails...'Oh she's a keeper'...missin a few toes...gotta foot fungus that looks like barnacles on a shipwreck...unclipped tree gouging toenails...'Momma's got a hot date tonight'...manicured... painted and polished toenails with diamond accents...smoothly shaved legs...and an ankle bracelet...'Toss that celestial virgin into the fire'...a sacrifice to the sandal gods...pigeon toed...got a shiny set of Gump Gadgets tryin to correct the problem...a club foot...and a cane...'Sugar Daddy'...he's obviously been around the block a time or two and survived to fight another day...here's an idea...ever heard the phrase 'Walk a mile in my shoes'...do it before ya get married...that way if you change your mind you've got a mile head start and a new pair of Nike's!!! LOL!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
11/28/11
On average 100 people choke to death every year on ball point pens
Another group of pedestrians setting a great example for abstinence...I'm not sure what's more baffling...the fact that many morons shove a ball point pen that far down their gullets they can't hack it back up...or that there are still that many people actually using ball point pens in this day and age...I guess 'using' would be a fitting term...considering ball point pen masticators fall somewhere near the bottom of the ladder when it comes to oral asphyxiations causing death...who woulda thought that sword swallowers had a greater life expectancy than Betty 'the Bic' Borokovsky...you know the Russian beet farmer's wife turned porn queen... how damn dumb do ya hafta be to have 'choked to death on a ball point pen' mentioned in your obituary...we either need a new and seperate insurance available for those with an ink fetish...or we need to start airin nothing but reruns of MacGyver...who as I am sure we're all aware would find away to use a part of that pen to poke a hole in the obstructed airway in a mere matter of seconds while freefallin from 30,000 feet...tied to a Sherman tank...headed for the middle of the ocean...and still have time to work himself free...strip the poor ballpoint pen choking subject of all their clothng...fashion a parachute and guide them all to a safe...soft landing on a deserted island...perform emergency Bic removal surgery...tear off a piece of iron from the tank...etch a message into the metal with the business end of the phlegm coated pen...use an empty shell casing as a botttle...fold the metal to fit...and launch it into the sea...thereby ensuring their safe retrieval from deserted island and allowing the dumbass who's life he saved the opportunity to off themselves using something bigger like a Sharpie...and where by the way...is the little WARNING/DISCLAIMER label our everchanging society has become so dependant on..."Improper usage of the ink filled writing devices contained in this package...up to and including...oral copulation...may result in the untimely death of those involved" I can't believe somebody's relatives haven't reaped a financial windfall from one of these accidents...am I to believe that the individual who sued McDonald's to the point they serve frozen coffee was somehow NOT intelligent enough to realize coffee is supposed to be served HOT...yet the assbag who chokes on a pen was somehow supposed to KNOW not to put long undigestible plastic tubular things down their throats...that's just hypocritical...you can't expect one breed of ignorance to out trump another...that's one point Ms. Gump got dead on...'Stupid is as stupid does'...and even her quick footed...slow minded... muddle brained...soon to be shrimp boat captain of a son knew better than to go shovin ball point pens where they don't belong...people...people...people...if you know somebody who makes dumb blondes seem like Einstein clones...do us all a favor...mount a pair of scissors pointing skyward on their treadmills...and paste a big sign saying "DON'T RUN HERE!"...just above it...should help put an end to at least 99 out of 100 ball point pen swallowing accidents yearly...I mean seriously...by 3rd grade...well maybe 5th for some of the slightly slower crowd...you should have a pretty good grasp on what falls into the NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION category...and if not then perhaps a remedial writing class is right up your alley...I'm often reminded of movies like 300 at times like this...at least they had the common sense to toss the slow ones over a cliff...eliminating the post natal pen swallowers before they became an ever present societal snafu...I'm pretty damn sure if the fine people at BIC intended for dimwitted dipshits the world over to nibble on their products they woulda came out with flavors...the absence of taste doesn't constitute a diet formula for methods of writing munchers to embrace...I mean holy shit...I don't run around the grocery store looking for plastic coated peas because I left my favorite chew toy in my pen cup at work...here's an idea...snak pak's...they're tasty...taken in moderation they fill the void between breakfast and lunch...or lunch and dinner...contain no plastic suffocating pieces (if you stop at the spoon and don't lick the cup to the point of creating another life threatening problem)...and believe it or not...register just slightly above ball point pens on the calorie counter...not too mention...'died of a snak pak attack' ...sounds significantly better than..."I bought the farm by performing fellatio with a small black BIC"!!! LOL
Another group of pedestrians setting a great example for abstinence...I'm not sure what's more baffling...the fact that many morons shove a ball point pen that far down their gullets they can't hack it back up...or that there are still that many people actually using ball point pens in this day and age...I guess 'using' would be a fitting term...considering ball point pen masticators fall somewhere near the bottom of the ladder when it comes to oral asphyxiations causing death...who woulda thought that sword swallowers had a greater life expectancy than Betty 'the Bic' Borokovsky...you know the Russian beet farmer's wife turned porn queen... how damn dumb do ya hafta be to have 'choked to death on a ball point pen' mentioned in your obituary...we either need a new and seperate insurance available for those with an ink fetish...or we need to start airin nothing but reruns of MacGyver...who as I am sure we're all aware would find away to use a part of that pen to poke a hole in the obstructed airway in a mere matter of seconds while freefallin from 30,000 feet...tied to a Sherman tank...headed for the middle of the ocean...and still have time to work himself free...strip the poor ballpoint pen choking subject of all their clothng...fashion a parachute and guide them all to a safe...soft landing on a deserted island...perform emergency Bic removal surgery...tear off a piece of iron from the tank...etch a message into the metal with the business end of the phlegm coated pen...use an empty shell casing as a botttle...fold the metal to fit...and launch it into the sea...thereby ensuring their safe retrieval from deserted island and allowing the dumbass who's life he saved the opportunity to off themselves using something bigger like a Sharpie...and where by the way...is the little WARNING/DISCLAIMER label our everchanging society has become so dependant on..."Improper usage of the ink filled writing devices contained in this package...up to and including...oral copulation...may result in the untimely death of those involved" I can't believe somebody's relatives haven't reaped a financial windfall from one of these accidents...am I to believe that the individual who sued McDonald's to the point they serve frozen coffee was somehow NOT intelligent enough to realize coffee is supposed to be served HOT...yet the assbag who chokes on a pen was somehow supposed to KNOW not to put long undigestible plastic tubular things down their throats...that's just hypocritical...you can't expect one breed of ignorance to out trump another...that's one point Ms. Gump got dead on...'Stupid is as stupid does'...and even her quick footed...slow minded... muddle brained...soon to be shrimp boat captain of a son knew better than to go shovin ball point pens where they don't belong...people...people...people...if you know somebody who makes dumb blondes seem like Einstein clones...do us all a favor...mount a pair of scissors pointing skyward on their treadmills...and paste a big sign saying "DON'T RUN HERE!"...just above it...should help put an end to at least 99 out of 100 ball point pen swallowing accidents yearly...I mean seriously...by 3rd grade...well maybe 5th for some of the slightly slower crowd...you should have a pretty good grasp on what falls into the NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION category...and if not then perhaps a remedial writing class is right up your alley...I'm often reminded of movies like 300 at times like this...at least they had the common sense to toss the slow ones over a cliff...eliminating the post natal pen swallowers before they became an ever present societal snafu...I'm pretty damn sure if the fine people at BIC intended for dimwitted dipshits the world over to nibble on their products they woulda came out with flavors...the absence of taste doesn't constitute a diet formula for methods of writing munchers to embrace...I mean holy shit...I don't run around the grocery store looking for plastic coated peas because I left my favorite chew toy in my pen cup at work...here's an idea...snak pak's...they're tasty...taken in moderation they fill the void between breakfast and lunch...or lunch and dinner...contain no plastic suffocating pieces (if you stop at the spoon and don't lick the cup to the point of creating another life threatening problem)...and believe it or not...register just slightly above ball point pens on the calorie counter...not too mention...'died of a snak pak attack' ...sounds significantly better than..."I bought the farm by performing fellatio with a small black BIC"!!! LOL
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
11/23/11
The Grateful Dead were once known as The Warlocks...
The Grateful Dead were probably once known as many different things...take a look @ Jerry Garcia...this guy dropped more LSD than Jimi Hendrix...The Doors...Dennis Hopper and Tommy Chong combined...I went to a Grateful Dead show once...40% of American adults couldn't find a bank deposit slip without trying to dissolve it on their tongues...like much of the music back then...those that were true Dead Heads had to endure the hallucinatory effects of LSD in order for the music to make any sense or sound in tune...hell I wouldn't be surprised if 85-90% of the people attending a Grateful Dead show thought they were witnessing a never ending reel from Woodstock archives...the other 10-15% were still in utero and would grow up wearing loud distasteful sundresses...tie dyed shirts...Jerusalem Cruisers (thats open toed sandals for those of you still coming down from the last show)...I'm always surprised when people tout the great bands of that era...what in the hell were you people hearing...good lord half that shit sounds like a freshly neutered... unanesthesized cat clammering over tin cans in a back alley off Broadway...Grateful Dead shows...much like Hendrix concerts...probablky had less to do with the music then they did with excessive drug consumption...I have no doubt some of the attendees @ Grateful Dead shows saw them as The Warlocks...hell some of them probably saw them as The Diablo's...while still others thought of them as 11 long haired friends of Jesus in a chartruse microbus...peace...love...flowers...happiness...and enough drugs to kill a trumpeting herd of pachyderms...throw in music that would make the sane mind beg for mercy and you have a Grateful Dead show...that or you've stumbled across a torture chamber run by the C.I.A. to prep prisoners for waterboarding...I do like some of the music from back in the day...but not enough of it to warrant labeling any specific musician as the 'Best' of all time...there were several good songs...and talented musicians from that era...most of whom also did their fair share of drugs left over from Dead Head shows...yet even if the song itself carried a pleasant melodious tune to the ear...it was never more apparent drugs played a role in the writing of the song than when you heard the redundancy of the lyrics...hell one of my favorite bands of all time is C.C.R...and if ya listen to their songs you'll see what I'm talkin about...how many times can you say Doo Doo Doo...lookin out my back door... before people grow tired of it...well approximately for 2 minutes 15 seconds...most of their songs are 3 minutes or less and are more repetitive than Dubya preaching WMD in Iraq...alot of 'great' bands follow this formula...short songs...repetitive chords...simple lyrics...AC/DC for instance...or K.I.S.S....who created such a stir with their music and make-up people thought the name of the band was an acronym for...Knights In Satan's Service...I always thought it stood for...Keep It Simple Stupid but then...what did I know I'd never been to a Warlocks show...as far as I know Momma never went to Woodstock...hell if you lived in East Jordan back then you were probably lucky to attend Wood Shop...let alone Woodstock...but she did don the big teacup saucer style earrings a time or two...LOL...you ever come across that individual stumbling down the street...wearin blue/green plaid golf pants...2 different shoes...a pink...purple...orange...green...yellow...and red tie dyed turtle neck sweater...a long brown duster...sporting a hat your father threw away in the 50's...smelling like they haven't touched a bar of soap or a drop of water in 5 decades...that's either a Grateful Dead fan or your ass is lost in Boston...which we all know has had a ban on public bathing for some time now...kinda reminds me of those commercials...where the guy walks into the kitchen and there's an empty frying pan sizzling on the stove...the camera pans in...showing a close up of the empty pan...as the guy is saying..."This is your brain"...then he cracks an egg into the pan...it begins to spit...crackle...and fry...and the guy says..."this is your brain on drugs"...what an epic fail...who doesn't look at that and think to themselves..."hell my brain on drugs has a better appetite"...it musta been like that with Dead tunes...this is your brain...Grateful Dead music playin in the background...causing the person listening to it significant pain...this is your brain on drugs...suddenly the music all makes sense...everybody's happy...visions of yellow submarines bobbing thru their drug addled...chick pea brains...the same thing still takes place today...just take that Justin Bieber jackass...the only people on this planet who tolerate that rubbish as music are glue huffin adolescents...and as we all know...the common street bum referred to above already has better taste in clothes and realizes the proper placement of the waistbands of both their underwear and pants...LOL...so before you go runnin off to your local Ticketmaster for Grateful Dead/Justin Bieber show dates...make sure you have the appropriate tools of the trade...LSD...Glue...or a simple rap on the temple a few times with a ball peen hammer oughtta do the trick!!! LMAO!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! There may be a post or two over the brief Holiday period...so check back at will...or select follow by email to be notified when a new post is issued...ENJOY!!!
The Grateful Dead were probably once known as many different things...take a look @ Jerry Garcia...this guy dropped more LSD than Jimi Hendrix...The Doors...Dennis Hopper and Tommy Chong combined...I went to a Grateful Dead show once...40% of American adults couldn't find a bank deposit slip without trying to dissolve it on their tongues...like much of the music back then...those that were true Dead Heads had to endure the hallucinatory effects of LSD in order for the music to make any sense or sound in tune...hell I wouldn't be surprised if 85-90% of the people attending a Grateful Dead show thought they were witnessing a never ending reel from Woodstock archives...the other 10-15% were still in utero and would grow up wearing loud distasteful sundresses...tie dyed shirts...Jerusalem Cruisers (thats open toed sandals for those of you still coming down from the last show)...I'm always surprised when people tout the great bands of that era...what in the hell were you people hearing...good lord half that shit sounds like a freshly neutered... unanesthesized cat clammering over tin cans in a back alley off Broadway...Grateful Dead shows...much like Hendrix concerts...probablky had less to do with the music then they did with excessive drug consumption...I have no doubt some of the attendees @ Grateful Dead shows saw them as The Warlocks...hell some of them probably saw them as The Diablo's...while still others thought of them as 11 long haired friends of Jesus in a chartruse microbus...peace...love...flowers...happiness...and enough drugs to kill a trumpeting herd of pachyderms...throw in music that would make the sane mind beg for mercy and you have a Grateful Dead show...that or you've stumbled across a torture chamber run by the C.I.A. to prep prisoners for waterboarding...I do like some of the music from back in the day...but not enough of it to warrant labeling any specific musician as the 'Best' of all time...there were several good songs...and talented musicians from that era...most of whom also did their fair share of drugs left over from Dead Head shows...yet even if the song itself carried a pleasant melodious tune to the ear...it was never more apparent drugs played a role in the writing of the song than when you heard the redundancy of the lyrics...hell one of my favorite bands of all time is C.C.R...and if ya listen to their songs you'll see what I'm talkin about...how many times can you say Doo Doo Doo...lookin out my back door... before people grow tired of it...well approximately for 2 minutes 15 seconds...most of their songs are 3 minutes or less and are more repetitive than Dubya preaching WMD in Iraq...alot of 'great' bands follow this formula...short songs...repetitive chords...simple lyrics...AC/DC for instance...or K.I.S.S....who created such a stir with their music and make-up people thought the name of the band was an acronym for...Knights In Satan's Service...I always thought it stood for...Keep It Simple Stupid but then...what did I know I'd never been to a Warlocks show...as far as I know Momma never went to Woodstock...hell if you lived in East Jordan back then you were probably lucky to attend Wood Shop...let alone Woodstock...but she did don the big teacup saucer style earrings a time or two...LOL...you ever come across that individual stumbling down the street...wearin blue/green plaid golf pants...2 different shoes...a pink...purple...orange...green...yellow...and red tie dyed turtle neck sweater...a long brown duster...sporting a hat your father threw away in the 50's...smelling like they haven't touched a bar of soap or a drop of water in 5 decades...that's either a Grateful Dead fan or your ass is lost in Boston...which we all know has had a ban on public bathing for some time now...kinda reminds me of those commercials...where the guy walks into the kitchen and there's an empty frying pan sizzling on the stove...the camera pans in...showing a close up of the empty pan...as the guy is saying..."This is your brain"...then he cracks an egg into the pan...it begins to spit...crackle...and fry...and the guy says..."this is your brain on drugs"...what an epic fail...who doesn't look at that and think to themselves..."hell my brain on drugs has a better appetite"...it musta been like that with Dead tunes...this is your brain...Grateful Dead music playin in the background...causing the person listening to it significant pain...this is your brain on drugs...suddenly the music all makes sense...everybody's happy...visions of yellow submarines bobbing thru their drug addled...chick pea brains...the same thing still takes place today...just take that Justin Bieber jackass...the only people on this planet who tolerate that rubbish as music are glue huffin adolescents...and as we all know...the common street bum referred to above already has better taste in clothes and realizes the proper placement of the waistbands of both their underwear and pants...LOL...so before you go runnin off to your local Ticketmaster for Grateful Dead/Justin Bieber show dates...make sure you have the appropriate tools of the trade...LSD...Glue...or a simple rap on the temple a few times with a ball peen hammer oughtta do the trick!!! LMAO!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! There may be a post or two over the brief Holiday period...so check back at will...or select follow by email to be notified when a new post is issued...ENJOY!!!
Monday, November 21, 2011
11/22/11
Hypnotism is banned in public schools in San Diego...
Ummm...show of hands real quick...how many of you had hypnotism as an elective during your formative years in public schools??? Anyone??? Me neither...as a matter of fact my career counselor never even mentioned hypnotism as a career option...I can't even recall EVER seeing a job posting for a hypnotist in the local employment opportunities section of the paper...much like our friends the 'paranormal experts'... this career field is occupied by individuals more adept at parlor tricks that anything factual... hypnosis only works if you want it to...it's mind manipulation...and believe it or not it is carried out on a daily basis...just ask some of your Fox News watching friends...they've been mind fucked into believing that anything spit forth by that channel is akin to verses from the long lost 'Gospels of Government'...and therefore must NOT be disputable...and without a single question...without so much as a tickle across the membrane of memory...they dive into this information like a fat kid @ a bakery after 5 days of fasting...it's these people who make me long for the days of lost Amazonian tribes and their headshrinking capabilities...I mean hell if you're only gonna use 2% out of the 20% of brain matter Einstein postulated humans currently use in a lifetime...well then perhaps your cranium should fit in a cup from your 3 year old granddaughters Tea Party Playset...now I know there are those of you who believe hypnosis actually works...you may know somebody who has tried it...might even have dabbled in it yourself a time or two...I, however have living...indisputable proof...that hypnosis as it is commonly accepted...on an individual basis...is nothing more than a well disguised sham...would you like to read...or hear...about it??? I thought you might...take a peek @ the right side of your monitor...notice the little box with quotes from Dubya...good now take a second to read one of those...any questions??? If hypnosis truly worked on the individual scale don't you think that somebody in old Big Ears/Little Brain's cabinet would have secretly hired one...if for no other reason than to keep him from being the biggest punchline in modern day government history...hell that backwards assed babbling buffoon probably couldn't even spell hypnosis or use it in a sentence that made a damn bit of sense...I mean can you see little George being interviewed at a hospital...preparing to be admitted..."Mr. President...I understand you're being admitted for tests and possibly even surgery...could you shed some light on the subject for the American people?"..."Uhhh...yeah...gimme a second...see I been havin difficultifications walkin and the doctors say it might be pelvic related...my hyp-nos-is is gonna be a painful process...we might even hafta spearment with nucular medicine"...now with that being said...I do believe hypnosis is a viable asset when used subliminally...whatever do you mean Kevin...take a look around you...you have fallen for it almost every single day of your adult life...most notably when you are in the process of shopping...all those signs you see @ Wal Mart for instance...signs that advertise LOW LOW prices...or items on clearance...items you didn't intentionally go to the store to purchase end up in your cart...they make it thru checkout...and into the bag you leave the store with...it isn't until after you get home you stop and think about it...if at all...and come to the realization you have no use for said item...and now you hafta make space for this damn thing in an already overcrowded cupboard or cabinet...and here's the real kick in the teeth...before you can use the item you hafta go back out and buy other shit to use it with...now they may not be dangling a pocketwatch and spouting off the whole...you're eyes are getting heavy...you're growing more and more tired...mantra...but they definitely triggered your mind to act in accordance with their wishes...which in fact is the very definition of hypnosis...the ability to manipulate the mind of another to achieve a desired outcome...hell there are even people who believe in animal hypnosis...which is scarier yet...can you imagine...especially given it's hunting season...seeing millions of orange robed idiots stomping thru the woods hanging pocket watches over their bait piles...hell you wouldn't even need a gun...you could just 'wish' the herd of deer to your buck pole and have them hang themselves...I wish hypnosis was more than just another phenomenon...that it actually worked...none of you would need Bill Gates and his NEVER ending disastrous Windows upgrades...you'd be viewing this thru Kevin's Collective Conscience...I'd have everyone runnin around half naked...wearing peanut butter filled diapers...rainbow colored mohawk hairdo's...ear mounted drool cups...handcuffed to one another...Why? you might ask...it's simple really...1) I have a warped sense of humor...and 2) it would shed some light on your problem solving skills thereby allowing me the opportunity to determine who among you is worth saving...LOL!!!
Ummm...show of hands real quick...how many of you had hypnotism as an elective during your formative years in public schools??? Anyone??? Me neither...as a matter of fact my career counselor never even mentioned hypnotism as a career option...I can't even recall EVER seeing a job posting for a hypnotist in the local employment opportunities section of the paper...much like our friends the 'paranormal experts'... this career field is occupied by individuals more adept at parlor tricks that anything factual... hypnosis only works if you want it to...it's mind manipulation...and believe it or not it is carried out on a daily basis...just ask some of your Fox News watching friends...they've been mind fucked into believing that anything spit forth by that channel is akin to verses from the long lost 'Gospels of Government'...and therefore must NOT be disputable...and without a single question...without so much as a tickle across the membrane of memory...they dive into this information like a fat kid @ a bakery after 5 days of fasting...it's these people who make me long for the days of lost Amazonian tribes and their headshrinking capabilities...I mean hell if you're only gonna use 2% out of the 20% of brain matter Einstein postulated humans currently use in a lifetime...well then perhaps your cranium should fit in a cup from your 3 year old granddaughters Tea Party Playset...now I know there are those of you who believe hypnosis actually works...you may know somebody who has tried it...might even have dabbled in it yourself a time or two...I, however have living...indisputable proof...that hypnosis as it is commonly accepted...on an individual basis...is nothing more than a well disguised sham...would you like to read...or hear...about it??? I thought you might...take a peek @ the right side of your monitor...notice the little box with quotes from Dubya...good now take a second to read one of those...any questions??? If hypnosis truly worked on the individual scale don't you think that somebody in old Big Ears/Little Brain's cabinet would have secretly hired one...if for no other reason than to keep him from being the biggest punchline in modern day government history...hell that backwards assed babbling buffoon probably couldn't even spell hypnosis or use it in a sentence that made a damn bit of sense...I mean can you see little George being interviewed at a hospital...preparing to be admitted..."Mr. President...I understand you're being admitted for tests and possibly even surgery...could you shed some light on the subject for the American people?"..."Uhhh...yeah...gimme a second...see I been havin difficultifications walkin and the doctors say it might be pelvic related...my hyp-nos-is is gonna be a painful process...we might even hafta spearment with nucular medicine"...now with that being said...I do believe hypnosis is a viable asset when used subliminally...whatever do you mean Kevin...take a look around you...you have fallen for it almost every single day of your adult life...most notably when you are in the process of shopping...all those signs you see @ Wal Mart for instance...signs that advertise LOW LOW prices...or items on clearance...items you didn't intentionally go to the store to purchase end up in your cart...they make it thru checkout...and into the bag you leave the store with...it isn't until after you get home you stop and think about it...if at all...and come to the realization you have no use for said item...and now you hafta make space for this damn thing in an already overcrowded cupboard or cabinet...and here's the real kick in the teeth...before you can use the item you hafta go back out and buy other shit to use it with...now they may not be dangling a pocketwatch and spouting off the whole...you're eyes are getting heavy...you're growing more and more tired...mantra...but they definitely triggered your mind to act in accordance with their wishes...which in fact is the very definition of hypnosis...the ability to manipulate the mind of another to achieve a desired outcome...hell there are even people who believe in animal hypnosis...which is scarier yet...can you imagine...especially given it's hunting season...seeing millions of orange robed idiots stomping thru the woods hanging pocket watches over their bait piles...hell you wouldn't even need a gun...you could just 'wish' the herd of deer to your buck pole and have them hang themselves...I wish hypnosis was more than just another phenomenon...that it actually worked...none of you would need Bill Gates and his NEVER ending disastrous Windows upgrades...you'd be viewing this thru Kevin's Collective Conscience...I'd have everyone runnin around half naked...wearing peanut butter filled diapers...rainbow colored mohawk hairdo's...ear mounted drool cups...handcuffed to one another...Why? you might ask...it's simple really...1) I have a warped sense of humor...and 2) it would shed some light on your problem solving skills thereby allowing me the opportunity to determine who among you is worth saving...LOL!!!
11/21/11
Forty percent of American adults cannot fill out a bank deposit slip correctly...
I can't think of one single reason anybody should find this amazing...given the plethora of misinformation we have encountered in our daily journeys thru these tidbits it has become apparent 40% of American adults are Olympic Gold Medal contenders in the shallow end of the gene pool...and the next generation is going to be even worse...take a look around...I'll guarantee you over 50% of graduating seniors...nationwide...of the male persuasion...can't even fill out a damn pair of pants correctly... underwear covered asscracks gleaming in every class...these wannabe gangsta...hoodrats are only gonna be good at one thing...filling out unemployment forms...you know in my day and age our main concern was...are my pants long enough...we lived in fear of being ridiculed at school for coming dressed for a flood...whaddaya call this little fashion statement..."Low Flow-ers"...it's no wonder they have trouble filling out a simple deposit slip...it's in English...instead of texting abbreviations...how hard can it be...Name...account number...date...dollar amount of what you would like to leave the bank without having in your pocket...I mean hell you'd hafta be some sorta mental equivalent to pocket lint to get that wrong... in all honesty I blame this on the advancement of technology...and the piss poor education system that has swept across America...here's just one example...it took place about 14 years ago...my son Matthew was 4 at the time...he came home from his B4 class after having taken a field trip to the library...he was ecstatic about being able to bring home books...we sat down with one of his selections...I believe it was a Winnie the Pooh title...to my absolute amazement and astonishment he opened the book and began 'reading' it...word for word...I was completely speechless...Here was my 4 year old son who had barely begun preschool not missing a single word...I asked him how he knew how to read...they taught us today in school was his reply...so I put it to the test...writing a few sentences down on a piece of paper...needless to say Matthew was unable to decipher anything I had written...even words he had just previously read aloud in the book...when I asked him why he didn't know the words he said...because you haven't read them to me yet...he hadn't been taught to read...he had been taught to memorize the story in accordance with the pages...it should go without saying that I had a rather pleasant conversation with his preschool teacher about her current teaching methods...in hindsight most likely a 40 percenter herself...it continued right thru highschool...they no longer teach kids how to use their grey matter to figure out problems...what they teach is how to use any and every advantage available in order to complete the task at hand in the shortest amount of time...it's a damn disaster...teachers in my opinion are no different than politicians...they want more money every year and less workload...these kids graduate today with book smarts and computer literacy...but without a single solitary cell of common sense or street smarts...book smart/street stupid was the term we used to use...they haven't a hope in hell of functioning outside of their chosen career field...so what's that tell ya??? Any idea??? It says that right now...in America...60% of the population went to school prior to the Information Age...Old Skewl...if you will...40% of their offspring have obtained a highschool diploma thru the miracle of modern technology...the ability to use graphing calculators to compute the correct answers for them on EXAMS...what are they being tested on??? Clues??? Hints??? Nobody...okay I'll tell ya...they're NOT being tested on whether or not they KNOW the material...they're being tested on whether or not they can manipulate the correct buttons on a calculator in order to produce the answer for them...and why is this happening??? Because technology is advancing at such a rapid pace that the human mind is no longer required to formulate ideas...thoughts...or opinions...for it's owner...it has become necessary for the mind to memorize keystrokes according to what they want to accomplish...and that ratio...60/40 %...is rapidly heading in the other direction...the kids of today are being trained for jobs that don't even exist yet...kinda makes ya wanna drop your pants to your thighs...hike up your skivvies to cover your ass...and act as clueless as a hummingbird @ a bear bait pile when it comes to filling out those pesky bank deposit slip thingamajigs...don't it??? Take heed...you and I...altho possibly from different generations...are being phased out...the only people NOT getting paid... are the ones working...Work Smarter/Not Harder has become the war cry of our children...and they hold the future...can you imagine what our grandkids...our great grandkids are going to live like??? Hell by then paper money will actually be a collectors item...if they don't enact a law forbidding ownership of it...because it will no longer be used...think I'm kidding??? Show of hands...how many of you have a bank account??? Okay...now...keep your hand up if you also have direct deposit from your employer...and now only those who have a debit card that has visible wear on the magnetic stripe...keep their hands up... WOW...looks like more than 40% of you...so where exactly is all that paper money being kept??? It isn't...it too is being phased out...slowly but surely...kinda scary when ya think about...60% of us know how to properly fill out a bank deposit slip...yet have no use for it...the other 40% haven't a clue as to how to fill it out...probably because you can't do it with a keyboard yet...and @ the same time they've no idea their paper money is about to be exchanged for a piece of plastic they can then use to pay for almost everything...hell my child suport gets directly deposited into an account somewhere and I was issued a debit card for it without ever filling out a single piece of paperwork...I predict that within the next 20-30 years credit cards/debit cards will also be obsolete...people will pay for things thru fingerprint analysis...eliminating credit card fraud...while at the same time creating some of the highest prices ever on the black market...I clock in @ work using a 6 digit pin number I created...probably a good thing it wasn't over 7 I mighta had to write it down...and my fingerprint...be a real bitch I ever lost that little fella in some weird digital decapitation accident...what would I do then??? Probably hafta resort to thumpin a mushroom stamp on the old time clock just to punch in and out...LOL...seriously tho folks...don't let the numbers scare ya...it's all for the betterment of mankind...according to your government!!! Have a Great Day!!! BTW...the numbers have been updated...just in the short time it took you to read this the ratio is now 41/59%...did you feel the shift???
I can't think of one single reason anybody should find this amazing...given the plethora of misinformation we have encountered in our daily journeys thru these tidbits it has become apparent 40% of American adults are Olympic Gold Medal contenders in the shallow end of the gene pool...and the next generation is going to be even worse...take a look around...I'll guarantee you over 50% of graduating seniors...nationwide...of the male persuasion...can't even fill out a damn pair of pants correctly... underwear covered asscracks gleaming in every class...these wannabe gangsta...hoodrats are only gonna be good at one thing...filling out unemployment forms...you know in my day and age our main concern was...are my pants long enough...we lived in fear of being ridiculed at school for coming dressed for a flood...whaddaya call this little fashion statement..."Low Flow-ers"...it's no wonder they have trouble filling out a simple deposit slip...it's in English...instead of texting abbreviations...how hard can it be...Name...account number...date...dollar amount of what you would like to leave the bank without having in your pocket...I mean hell you'd hafta be some sorta mental equivalent to pocket lint to get that wrong... in all honesty I blame this on the advancement of technology...and the piss poor education system that has swept across America...here's just one example...it took place about 14 years ago...my son Matthew was 4 at the time...he came home from his B4 class after having taken a field trip to the library...he was ecstatic about being able to bring home books...we sat down with one of his selections...I believe it was a Winnie the Pooh title...to my absolute amazement and astonishment he opened the book and began 'reading' it...word for word...I was completely speechless...Here was my 4 year old son who had barely begun preschool not missing a single word...I asked him how he knew how to read...they taught us today in school was his reply...so I put it to the test...writing a few sentences down on a piece of paper...needless to say Matthew was unable to decipher anything I had written...even words he had just previously read aloud in the book...when I asked him why he didn't know the words he said...because you haven't read them to me yet...he hadn't been taught to read...he had been taught to memorize the story in accordance with the pages...it should go without saying that I had a rather pleasant conversation with his preschool teacher about her current teaching methods...in hindsight most likely a 40 percenter herself...it continued right thru highschool...they no longer teach kids how to use their grey matter to figure out problems...what they teach is how to use any and every advantage available in order to complete the task at hand in the shortest amount of time...it's a damn disaster...teachers in my opinion are no different than politicians...they want more money every year and less workload...these kids graduate today with book smarts and computer literacy...but without a single solitary cell of common sense or street smarts...book smart/street stupid was the term we used to use...they haven't a hope in hell of functioning outside of their chosen career field...so what's that tell ya??? Any idea??? It says that right now...in America...60% of the population went to school prior to the Information Age...Old Skewl...if you will...40% of their offspring have obtained a highschool diploma thru the miracle of modern technology...the ability to use graphing calculators to compute the correct answers for them on EXAMS...what are they being tested on??? Clues??? Hints??? Nobody...okay I'll tell ya...they're NOT being tested on whether or not they KNOW the material...they're being tested on whether or not they can manipulate the correct buttons on a calculator in order to produce the answer for them...and why is this happening??? Because technology is advancing at such a rapid pace that the human mind is no longer required to formulate ideas...thoughts...or opinions...for it's owner...it has become necessary for the mind to memorize keystrokes according to what they want to accomplish...and that ratio...60/40 %...is rapidly heading in the other direction...the kids of today are being trained for jobs that don't even exist yet...kinda makes ya wanna drop your pants to your thighs...hike up your skivvies to cover your ass...and act as clueless as a hummingbird @ a bear bait pile when it comes to filling out those pesky bank deposit slip thingamajigs...don't it??? Take heed...you and I...altho possibly from different generations...are being phased out...the only people NOT getting paid... are the ones working...Work Smarter/Not Harder has become the war cry of our children...and they hold the future...can you imagine what our grandkids...our great grandkids are going to live like??? Hell by then paper money will actually be a collectors item...if they don't enact a law forbidding ownership of it...because it will no longer be used...think I'm kidding??? Show of hands...how many of you have a bank account??? Okay...now...keep your hand up if you also have direct deposit from your employer...and now only those who have a debit card that has visible wear on the magnetic stripe...keep their hands up... WOW...looks like more than 40% of you...so where exactly is all that paper money being kept??? It isn't...it too is being phased out...slowly but surely...kinda scary when ya think about...60% of us know how to properly fill out a bank deposit slip...yet have no use for it...the other 40% haven't a clue as to how to fill it out...probably because you can't do it with a keyboard yet...and @ the same time they've no idea their paper money is about to be exchanged for a piece of plastic they can then use to pay for almost everything...hell my child suport gets directly deposited into an account somewhere and I was issued a debit card for it without ever filling out a single piece of paperwork...I predict that within the next 20-30 years credit cards/debit cards will also be obsolete...people will pay for things thru fingerprint analysis...eliminating credit card fraud...while at the same time creating some of the highest prices ever on the black market...I clock in @ work using a 6 digit pin number I created...probably a good thing it wasn't over 7 I mighta had to write it down...and my fingerprint...be a real bitch I ever lost that little fella in some weird digital decapitation accident...what would I do then??? Probably hafta resort to thumpin a mushroom stamp on the old time clock just to punch in and out...LOL...seriously tho folks...don't let the numbers scare ya...it's all for the betterment of mankind...according to your government!!! Have a Great Day!!! BTW...the numbers have been updated...just in the short time it took you to read this the ratio is now 41/59%...did you feel the shift???
Sunday, November 20, 2011
11/20/11
Alright I didn't post anything for Saturday this week...but I do have something I'd like to share with all of you...let me preface this by saying I originally posted this on my facebook profile on Saturday and got some good feedback so I thought I would copy and paste it here for my blog followers to peruse...it may not be to everyone's liking...as I'm sure not all of my facebook friends were overjoyed with what I had to say...most of you should already be aware of how my mind operates...most of what I hafta say attempts to either elicit a laugh...or...on occassion shed light on a topic that most people fly by without so much as a single thought breezing thru the vast emptiness between their ears...so without further ado...I hope you all ENJOY this post...and take from it what you will...
Okay...here it goes...some of you are probably going to be offended...take this personally...hell I may even lose a few facebook friends over this post...but so be it...we need to get a few things straight about this whole putting Christ back in Christmas ordeal some of you have been pasting all over the news feed...1.) There isn't one historical shred of evidence...biblical or otherwise linking ...the actual birth of Jesus Christ with the date of December 25th...in fact it was in 274AD that the winter solstice fell on Dec. 25th
and Roman Emperor Aurelian proclaimed the date as “Natalis Solis Invicti,” the festival of the birth of the invincible sun. (Notice the spelling of the word SUN...as in giant ball of glowing gas...not as in male offspring) Pope Julius I specified the 25th of December as the official date of the birth of Jesus Christ. In 325AD, Constantine the Great, the first Christian Roman emperor, introduced Christmas as an immovable feast on 25 December. In 354AD, Bishop Liberius of Rome officially ordered his members to celebrate the birth of Jesus on December 25. 2.) Even without the above mentioned historically documented FACTS...most of you touting the "Let's put Christ back in Christmas" theme...proclaiming to be Christian...display an attitude of being offended by people of differing religions using terms for their Holidays instead of 'Merry Christmas'...altho I am not a Christian and will keep my beliefs to myself...I hardly believe the teachings of Christianity endow an individual to belittle the beliefs of people attending a church of another religion...3.) I don't care by what religion you associate yourself with...or by what name you refer to the holiday season...ENJOY this time with your family and friends as you see fit...this country was NOT founded by one religious group or another...it was a conglomeration of individuals from all walks of life who wanted Freedom to choose whichever religion that they saw fit...freedom to speak their mind without retribution...freedom from taxation without representation...the descendants of those individuals still reside within our borders...all of us deserve the right to call the holiday season whatever we want...I'm not asking any one of you to accept my beliefs or what I hafta say here...all I'm saying is this...don't be so concerned with semantics you miss the entire meaning of the spirit of Christmas...the gift of giving...helping those less fortunate...and fellowship with thy neighbors...it has absolutely nothing to do with terminology or holiday inspired catchphrases...I sincerely hope none of you take this personally or as an offensive post but look at it as an enlightenment of information...if you truly wanna 'Keep Christ in Christmas'...I wholeheartedly implore you to do so...by embracing your personal religious beliefs while simultaneously allowing your fellow man the respect and freedom to follow the religion of their choice without recourse...so...with that being said...to all my family...and friends...regardless of your religious views...I would like to wish each and everyone of you the absolute best holiday season!!!
and Roman Emperor Aurelian proclaimed the date as “Natalis Solis Invicti,” the festival of the birth of the invincible sun. (Notice the spelling of the word SUN...as in giant ball of glowing gas...not as in male offspring) Pope Julius I specified the 25th of December as the official date of the birth of Jesus Christ. In 325AD, Constantine the Great, the first Christian Roman emperor, introduced Christmas as an immovable feast on 25 December. In 354AD, Bishop Liberius of Rome officially ordered his members to celebrate the birth of Jesus on December 25. 2.) Even without the above mentioned historically documented FACTS...most of you touting the "Let's put Christ back in Christmas" theme...proclaiming to be Christian...display an attitude of being offended by people of differing religions using terms for their Holidays instead of 'Merry Christmas'...altho I am not a Christian and will keep my beliefs to myself...I hardly believe the teachings of Christianity endow an individual to belittle the beliefs of people attending a church of another religion...3.) I don't care by what religion you associate yourself with...or by what name you refer to the holiday season...ENJOY this time with your family and friends as you see fit...this country was NOT founded by one religious group or another...it was a conglomeration of individuals from all walks of life who wanted Freedom to choose whichever religion that they saw fit...freedom to speak their mind without retribution...freedom from taxation without representation...the descendants of those individuals still reside within our borders...all of us deserve the right to call the holiday season whatever we want...I'm not asking any one of you to accept my beliefs or what I hafta say here...all I'm saying is this...don't be so concerned with semantics you miss the entire meaning of the spirit of Christmas...the gift of giving...helping those less fortunate...and fellowship with thy neighbors...it has absolutely nothing to do with terminology or holiday inspired catchphrases...I sincerely hope none of you take this personally or as an offensive post but look at it as an enlightenment of information...if you truly wanna 'Keep Christ in Christmas'...I wholeheartedly implore you to do so...by embracing your personal religious beliefs while simultaneously allowing your fellow man the respect and freedom to follow the religion of their choice without recourse...so...with that being said...to all my family...and friends...regardless of your religious views...I would like to wish each and everyone of you the absolute best holiday season!!!
That was the post I placed on facebook...a few things to note...Constantine the Great, the first Christian Emporer of Rome...was in fact raised as a Pagan...it wasn't until after his rise to power that HE determined all the people he ruled over should worship a male diety...and it was at this time that HE introduced Christianity as the only acceptable religion for all of Rome and the lands she conquered...according to most scholars who have done far more research on the topic than I will ever have time to devote...actually put the birth of Christ somewhere around 4 B.C. between the months of March and June...so before we go reigniting the Crusades...take a moment to reflect on what the spirit of the Holiday Season means to you...and again...Happy Holidays!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
11/18/11
Preparation H's main ingredient is shark liver oil. It will shrink any tissue. Many older women use it to help reduce wrinkles...
Well now...kinda sheds a whole new light on the term shit-faced doesn't it...I mean what the hell??? Is Prep H the poor womans fountain of youth??? How low does a person's self esteem hafta be before they start rubbin asshole cream on their face in an attempt to look younger...trust me...if...by the time you're old and wrinkled you haven't landed you a man...smearing anal paste on your face isn't gonna get the job done hun...fact is you probably look better with the poop chute face pack on...ya ever notice men don't invest in prettying themselves up...it's false advertising...it's why so many relationships fail...guys go out looking for that perfect female specimen...one who can cook...doesn't mind doing the housework while he does the yardwork...and by yardwork I mean paying the neighbor kid a few bucks to rake...mow...and shovel snow...while he plays golf...drinks beer...naps in the hammock...and who has the ability to carry on a conversation coupled with the common sense to know what TV programs not to interrupt unless there's a life threatening emergency...in which waiting on an ambulance would only complicate matters...and finally...one who looks amazing...he stumbles across a woman...who by all appearances fits the bill...only to find out that the morning after she rises from the ashes looking like Broom Hilda got into a train wreck with a bus full of hairy lipped...unbathed...lizard ladies even Capt. James Tiberius Kirk wouldn't fuck to save the Enterprise...I mean holy shit...is there a scarier place on earth than a day spa??? Full of beastly women wearing a wrinkle cream that makes them smell like they've been tonguing assholes all day...mud bath's...avocado facials...cucumbered eyelids...they come out lookin like the extras ensemble for The Walking Dead on AMC...it never ceases to amaze me the difference between the sexes...women hear that Preparation H can help reduce wrinkles by shrinkin tissue and immediately they begin smearin the stuff all over their faces...men hear this little tidbit...and they're thinkin...hell if it shrinks any tissue...how about plasterin some on that 3rd chin...maybe soakin that big old ass in it so everytime you test the limits of elasticity in Spandex it doesn't look like a couple of midgets in a sleeping bag wrestling for the world title...maybe a little on the cankles...maybe even a coating or two around the mid torso region...especially if everytime you rotate 180 to 360 degrees you cause an orbital shift in the objects around you... personally I think this is an item better used in accordance with what it was intended for...and don't get me wrong...men can be just as guilty and gullible...just take a look on late night Paid Programming Television...alot of the guys you see on these shows make slow people look savantesque...buying penis pumps to make their willies look bigger...seriously??? These things look like udder cups for automatic milking machines...you don't go shovin your Johnson in to things they weren't intended for...that's what gave shepherds and fags a bad name...same thing applies with ointments and creams...the fact of the matter is this...if you don't wanna look old...die young...it's the only way to ensure eternal youth...good lord...there are other ways to appear younger and prettier for alot less money...alcohol comes to mind... if ya can't bag a guy naturally get him drunk enough to pass out...toss him naked on the bed...then let the night of the Banshee begin...more than likely he won't even remember in the morning...and you won't hafta run around lookin like Tina the Turdburglar with anti-itch anal shrinking cream drippin off your jowls and crusting up behind your ears...and trust me guys...alcohol will also replace the need for you to purchase a vacuum actuated penis attachment to increase your crotch crocodile...besides if her happy parts make you feel like you're tossin a hotdog down a hallway...maybe you wanna invest in a little Prep H for her nether regions...apparently it has the audacious power of turning canyons into creekbeds too!!! This is a prime example of why our country needs to take a serious look at restricting procreation...much like the chinese have done...because apparently Sorority House pranks gone bad end up surfacing in mainstream media as fact...take it from me...if you keep rubbin that shit on your wrinkles you're gonna end up with 'butter' face...that's what you'll overhear the men lookin at you whisper to each other..."Hey didja check out gramma at the end of the bar?"..."Yeah...nice body...butter face...oh my god...looks like the mommy of mummies"...and as a final tidbit of insider info...once you reach the age of wrinkledom...men are no longer interested in what your face looks like...they're just as tired of chasing the fantasy as you are occupied with it...they're looking at your financial portfolio...not your face...sleep easy tonight and leave the anal easing facial mask in the tube it came in!!!
Well now...kinda sheds a whole new light on the term shit-faced doesn't it...I mean what the hell??? Is Prep H the poor womans fountain of youth??? How low does a person's self esteem hafta be before they start rubbin asshole cream on their face in an attempt to look younger...trust me...if...by the time you're old and wrinkled you haven't landed you a man...smearing anal paste on your face isn't gonna get the job done hun...fact is you probably look better with the poop chute face pack on...ya ever notice men don't invest in prettying themselves up...it's false advertising...it's why so many relationships fail...guys go out looking for that perfect female specimen...one who can cook...doesn't mind doing the housework while he does the yardwork...and by yardwork I mean paying the neighbor kid a few bucks to rake...mow...and shovel snow...while he plays golf...drinks beer...naps in the hammock...and who has the ability to carry on a conversation coupled with the common sense to know what TV programs not to interrupt unless there's a life threatening emergency...in which waiting on an ambulance would only complicate matters...and finally...one who looks amazing...he stumbles across a woman...who by all appearances fits the bill...only to find out that the morning after she rises from the ashes looking like Broom Hilda got into a train wreck with a bus full of hairy lipped...unbathed...lizard ladies even Capt. James Tiberius Kirk wouldn't fuck to save the Enterprise...I mean holy shit...is there a scarier place on earth than a day spa??? Full of beastly women wearing a wrinkle cream that makes them smell like they've been tonguing assholes all day...mud bath's...avocado facials...cucumbered eyelids...they come out lookin like the extras ensemble for The Walking Dead on AMC...it never ceases to amaze me the difference between the sexes...women hear that Preparation H can help reduce wrinkles by shrinkin tissue and immediately they begin smearin the stuff all over their faces...men hear this little tidbit...and they're thinkin...hell if it shrinks any tissue...how about plasterin some on that 3rd chin...maybe soakin that big old ass in it so everytime you test the limits of elasticity in Spandex it doesn't look like a couple of midgets in a sleeping bag wrestling for the world title...maybe a little on the cankles...maybe even a coating or two around the mid torso region...especially if everytime you rotate 180 to 360 degrees you cause an orbital shift in the objects around you... personally I think this is an item better used in accordance with what it was intended for...and don't get me wrong...men can be just as guilty and gullible...just take a look on late night Paid Programming Television...alot of the guys you see on these shows make slow people look savantesque...buying penis pumps to make their willies look bigger...seriously??? These things look like udder cups for automatic milking machines...you don't go shovin your Johnson in to things they weren't intended for...that's what gave shepherds and fags a bad name...same thing applies with ointments and creams...the fact of the matter is this...if you don't wanna look old...die young...it's the only way to ensure eternal youth...good lord...there are other ways to appear younger and prettier for alot less money...alcohol comes to mind... if ya can't bag a guy naturally get him drunk enough to pass out...toss him naked on the bed...then let the night of the Banshee begin...more than likely he won't even remember in the morning...and you won't hafta run around lookin like Tina the Turdburglar with anti-itch anal shrinking cream drippin off your jowls and crusting up behind your ears...and trust me guys...alcohol will also replace the need for you to purchase a vacuum actuated penis attachment to increase your crotch crocodile...besides if her happy parts make you feel like you're tossin a hotdog down a hallway...maybe you wanna invest in a little Prep H for her nether regions...apparently it has the audacious power of turning canyons into creekbeds too!!! This is a prime example of why our country needs to take a serious look at restricting procreation...much like the chinese have done...because apparently Sorority House pranks gone bad end up surfacing in mainstream media as fact...take it from me...if you keep rubbin that shit on your wrinkles you're gonna end up with 'butter' face...that's what you'll overhear the men lookin at you whisper to each other..."Hey didja check out gramma at the end of the bar?"..."Yeah...nice body...butter face...oh my god...looks like the mommy of mummies"...and as a final tidbit of insider info...once you reach the age of wrinkledom...men are no longer interested in what your face looks like...they're just as tired of chasing the fantasy as you are occupied with it...they're looking at your financial portfolio...not your face...sleep easy tonight and leave the anal easing facial mask in the tube it came in!!!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
11/17/11
The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters...
Well this one just so happens to be true...just ask the people at Campbells soup factory...what a nightmare it was releasing a 26 letter alphabet soup to an island nation...that's right I said island nation...depending on your understanding of the definition of 'legal' statehood...whose inhabitants could only relate to 12 of them...the native Hawai'ian language does only consist of 12 letters...5 of which are the alphabet...leaving a total of 7 consonants to play with..H, K, L, M, N, P, W....however the actual language spoken by the islands native populace these days is referred to as 'pidgin'...and consists of a compilation of languages used at will be the orator to get their point across...at any given time you can be verbally engaged in English...Hawai'ian...Japanese...and Samoan...within the first 6 words of a sentence...and lemme tell ya it would behoove you turn adapt your ear to it quickly if you intend to spend any significant amount of time on the islands...nothing says "tourist" like matching Hawai'ian ensembles and the dazed look of not understanding when being spoken too...and just a word of advice...if you're a pasty blond...or a ghostly red head...don't go...you'll never BLEND in...you'll end up standing out like a Q Tip at a tampon convention... nowhere near capable of handling the ebb and flow of island life or language...I always enjoyed listening to the islanders when they spoke...it's funny how having one person say something...can mean something else not even remotely close when uttered by a second or third individual...deciphering the meaning behind the words...taking into account...tonal inflections...gender...and mood of the individual speaking...depth of volume with which the speaker bellows...location of individual when speaking...and last but not least...to whom the individual is speaking...for instance take the phrase..."Hey Brah I going kick your ass!" If it's 2 natives speaking to each other chances are it's all in fun...there's no action to be seen here...move along...if however it's an islander speaking to an absence of color American...chances are there is going to be one helluva mess...up to and including funeral arrangements...depending on the swiftness with which said white person is capable of generating once grasping the gravity of the situation and attempting to get his feet to catch up with the rest of his body as he desperatley tries to escape his current location without regard to pride or dignity...you must also be as equally attentive and careful when attempting to speak 'pidgin' in order to try and integrate yourself in the Hawai'ian culture...uttering the phrase 'Kamanawanaleia' if spoken under the right circumstances could become very fortuitous...however...mumble it to the wrong wahine...who has brothers...sisters...aunts...uncles... nieces and nephews who are all twice your size... if they're 3 feet tall... and you could find yourself running your very own little witness protection program...and should you ever hear the words..."Hey Haole Mahu you got beef"...RUN FORREST RUN...do NOT look back...don't even give your feeble little mind the opportunity to formulate the necessary linguistic connections required to translate those words into pictures you can understand...if you have the same desire most people do...to wake up the following morning...keep your feet pumping...lose all excess baggage...purses...shoes...sunglasses...wallets...rings... jewlery...backpacks...small pets and children...and RUN like a class 5 river...just as rapidly as you can...don't worry they don't hurt animals or small kids...if they can't keep up they'll be fine...don't get me wrong it's a beautiful place...especially if you're in need of a diet...or exercise program...and you weren't very attentive during English class...all you hafta do is relocate to one of the islands...and piss off just one of the locals...you're ass'll get in shape so damn fast you'll start wondering how Wixson's Hawai'ian Diet and Exercise Program hasn't been marketed worldwide!!! Think I'm joking...you'll notice I took the liberty of making these comments from the safety and security of my domicile in frigid northern Michigan...not the wide open salty air of a beach on Oahu!!! LOL!!!
Well this one just so happens to be true...just ask the people at Campbells soup factory...what a nightmare it was releasing a 26 letter alphabet soup to an island nation...that's right I said island nation...depending on your understanding of the definition of 'legal' statehood...whose inhabitants could only relate to 12 of them...the native Hawai'ian language does only consist of 12 letters...5 of which are the alphabet...leaving a total of 7 consonants to play with..H, K, L, M, N, P, W....however the actual language spoken by the islands native populace these days is referred to as 'pidgin'...and consists of a compilation of languages used at will be the orator to get their point across...at any given time you can be verbally engaged in English...Hawai'ian...Japanese...and Samoan...within the first 6 words of a sentence...and lemme tell ya it would behoove you turn adapt your ear to it quickly if you intend to spend any significant amount of time on the islands...nothing says "tourist" like matching Hawai'ian ensembles and the dazed look of not understanding when being spoken too...and just a word of advice...if you're a pasty blond...or a ghostly red head...don't go...you'll never BLEND in...you'll end up standing out like a Q Tip at a tampon convention... nowhere near capable of handling the ebb and flow of island life or language...I always enjoyed listening to the islanders when they spoke...it's funny how having one person say something...can mean something else not even remotely close when uttered by a second or third individual...deciphering the meaning behind the words...taking into account...tonal inflections...gender...and mood of the individual speaking...depth of volume with which the speaker bellows...location of individual when speaking...and last but not least...to whom the individual is speaking...for instance take the phrase..."Hey Brah I going kick your ass!" If it's 2 natives speaking to each other chances are it's all in fun...there's no action to be seen here...move along...if however it's an islander speaking to an absence of color American...chances are there is going to be one helluva mess...up to and including funeral arrangements...depending on the swiftness with which said white person is capable of generating once grasping the gravity of the situation and attempting to get his feet to catch up with the rest of his body as he desperatley tries to escape his current location without regard to pride or dignity...you must also be as equally attentive and careful when attempting to speak 'pidgin' in order to try and integrate yourself in the Hawai'ian culture...uttering the phrase 'Kamanawanaleia' if spoken under the right circumstances could become very fortuitous...however...mumble it to the wrong wahine...who has brothers...sisters...aunts...uncles... nieces and nephews who are all twice your size... if they're 3 feet tall... and you could find yourself running your very own little witness protection program...and should you ever hear the words..."Hey Haole Mahu you got beef"...RUN FORREST RUN...do NOT look back...don't even give your feeble little mind the opportunity to formulate the necessary linguistic connections required to translate those words into pictures you can understand...if you have the same desire most people do...to wake up the following morning...keep your feet pumping...lose all excess baggage...purses...shoes...sunglasses...wallets...rings... jewlery...backpacks...small pets and children...and RUN like a class 5 river...just as rapidly as you can...don't worry they don't hurt animals or small kids...if they can't keep up they'll be fine...don't get me wrong it's a beautiful place...especially if you're in need of a diet...or exercise program...and you weren't very attentive during English class...all you hafta do is relocate to one of the islands...and piss off just one of the locals...you're ass'll get in shape so damn fast you'll start wondering how Wixson's Hawai'ian Diet and Exercise Program hasn't been marketed worldwide!!! Think I'm joking...you'll notice I took the liberty of making these comments from the safety and security of my domicile in frigid northern Michigan...not the wide open salty air of a beach on Oahu!!! LOL!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
11/16/11
In 1964, for the 10th time in his Major League Baseball career, Mickey Mantle hit home runs from both the left and right sides of the plate in the same game...setting a new baseball record!
There really doesn't need to be anything else said...unless of course your ass has been locked in a dungeon...or living in a cave for the past half century...arguably one of the most prolific long ball legends of pre-steroid scandal baseball...arguments among Yankees fans continue to this day over whether Mickey was the best...or was it the Babe...it goes without saying Mickey was a badass...not only did he set the single season (asterisk free) HR record...he also set records like the one mentioned above...but that's to be expected when you don the pinstripes...achieving greatness...settling for nothing less...they hold team records that will stand the test of time...now some people will think I'm biased in my opinion...being a lifelong Yankees fan...on the contrary...I am a fan of anyone who not only attains the level expected of them...but finds the depth of character to exceed even their own wildest dreams...personally if I had to vote for my all time favorite Yankees player it would be the Mick over the Babe...to me the single season homerun record...as well as not only the record mentioned in the tidbit...but also the fact that he belted 18...count them 18...homeruns in his World Series career...that's not counting postseason playoffs...add that with Mr. Mantle being a threat anytime he held a bat at the plate...now if I choose to remain unhypocritical...and be a proponent of juicing baseball til we're building stadiums triple there current size then I would hafta give Barry Bonds his due...people can say what they want about the effects of steroids...on baseball...on the players...here's the thing...the only difference between Barry and you is that the monkey on his back was made visible and available to national scrutiny...even with steroids...can you grasp the mechanics involved in standing at home plate...in front of millions of viewers...anticipating the pitchers next windup...narrowing your vision to pick up the rotation of the ball as it's released from the pitchers hand and comes hurling towards you like a meteor smashing to earth...and having the focus and mental capacity to place the barrel of your bat in the precise location of perfect contact to send that ball screaming for the stands...or out of the park...the difference between Mickey and Barry is I think Mickey could still do it had he played in this era...whereas Barry more than likely wouldn't have...now some of you might argue that Babe Ruth was better...or Lou Gehrig...or even Joltin' Joe...I still give the nod to the Mick...most of us can't do anything even remotely close to imitating ambidexterity...hell I'll bet more than half of ya can't even rub your tummy with one hand while patting your head with the other...put your hands down you look ridiculous...I didn't say try it now...and Mickey didn't do this just once...he did it 10 times...10 seperate games in which he went yard from both sides of the plate...they just don't make players like that anymore...they're all overpaid Primma Donna's that believe they should be pedestalized...(another Dubyaism sorry)...here's an idea...if in fact the stuff Barry is accused of using did in some way...shape...or form...give him the advantage of being able to increase his ability to see the ball so much better...how about we mandate the shit for umpires and referees...then we could shitcan instant replay dropping millions of unnecessary dollars in TV contracts...thereby not only making games more affordable for the blue collar fan...but making them more interesting by having the damn calls made right...for the love of sports...either that or mount Coke bottle bottom glasses on each and every one of their noses!!!
There really doesn't need to be anything else said...unless of course your ass has been locked in a dungeon...or living in a cave for the past half century...arguably one of the most prolific long ball legends of pre-steroid scandal baseball...arguments among Yankees fans continue to this day over whether Mickey was the best...or was it the Babe...it goes without saying Mickey was a badass...not only did he set the single season (asterisk free) HR record...he also set records like the one mentioned above...but that's to be expected when you don the pinstripes...achieving greatness...settling for nothing less...they hold team records that will stand the test of time...now some people will think I'm biased in my opinion...being a lifelong Yankees fan...on the contrary...I am a fan of anyone who not only attains the level expected of them...but finds the depth of character to exceed even their own wildest dreams...personally if I had to vote for my all time favorite Yankees player it would be the Mick over the Babe...to me the single season homerun record...as well as not only the record mentioned in the tidbit...but also the fact that he belted 18...count them 18...homeruns in his World Series career...that's not counting postseason playoffs...add that with Mr. Mantle being a threat anytime he held a bat at the plate...now if I choose to remain unhypocritical...and be a proponent of juicing baseball til we're building stadiums triple there current size then I would hafta give Barry Bonds his due...people can say what they want about the effects of steroids...on baseball...on the players...here's the thing...the only difference between Barry and you is that the monkey on his back was made visible and available to national scrutiny...even with steroids...can you grasp the mechanics involved in standing at home plate...in front of millions of viewers...anticipating the pitchers next windup...narrowing your vision to pick up the rotation of the ball as it's released from the pitchers hand and comes hurling towards you like a meteor smashing to earth...and having the focus and mental capacity to place the barrel of your bat in the precise location of perfect contact to send that ball screaming for the stands...or out of the park...the difference between Mickey and Barry is I think Mickey could still do it had he played in this era...whereas Barry more than likely wouldn't have...now some of you might argue that Babe Ruth was better...or Lou Gehrig...or even Joltin' Joe...I still give the nod to the Mick...most of us can't do anything even remotely close to imitating ambidexterity...hell I'll bet more than half of ya can't even rub your tummy with one hand while patting your head with the other...put your hands down you look ridiculous...I didn't say try it now...and Mickey didn't do this just once...he did it 10 times...10 seperate games in which he went yard from both sides of the plate...they just don't make players like that anymore...they're all overpaid Primma Donna's that believe they should be pedestalized...(another Dubyaism sorry)...here's an idea...if in fact the stuff Barry is accused of using did in some way...shape...or form...give him the advantage of being able to increase his ability to see the ball so much better...how about we mandate the shit for umpires and referees...then we could shitcan instant replay dropping millions of unnecessary dollars in TV contracts...thereby not only making games more affordable for the blue collar fan...but making them more interesting by having the damn calls made right...for the love of sports...either that or mount Coke bottle bottom glasses on each and every one of their noses!!!
Monday, November 14, 2011
11/15/11
"Soldiers Disease" is a term for morphine addiction. The Civil War produced 400,000 morphine addicts!!
Remarkable...our founding fathers used morphine exclusively as a pain reliever...and as a former patient undergoing surgery...lemme assure you there is no better pain reliever on the market...it is however highly addictive...so let's set the record straight...since the discovery of this continent...and it's subsequent settlement our country has fought in several wars...each of them producing a dependency on narcotics by those fighting in them...for one reason or another...and yet after signing a blank check...up to and including the sacrifice of life for fellow countrymen our troops are then brought back to the 'world' they left only to become addicted to a substance sanctioned and utilized by the powers that be during times of conflict...and then they are criticized for developing an addiction...they are shuffled thru a system that no longer has a use for them...released to civilian life...where they are then harassed...arrested.,..and charged with possession and usage of these addictive substances...think the Civil War was singularly responsible for such a heinous act...think again...cocaine at one time was used as an anthestetic...opium has also been used on the field of battle...as well as marijuana...seems to me the War on Drugs little Nancy Reagan initiated...has been going on for quite some time...and over 90% of it can be directly related to an act of war...think our boys over in the middle east are taking tylenol to ease their suffering??? 'Highly' doubtful...Afghanistan is the world's number one producer of opiates...and are heralded for their production of the Kush marijuana strain...our prison system is loaded with former veterans...as well as relatives of veterans...are they given consideration for volunteering to go where those condoning the war exempt themselves from??? Not for a moment...war...is hell on earth...it's not a video game where once you die you tap a button and respawn to resume fighting...it's all out kill or be killed...this war we're fighting now is very similar to the last 'conflict' we were engaged in...there is little to no support for these brave men and women who risk life...limb...and a life of normalcy stateside...on a daily basis...very seldom do we hear any news from the battlefield...it isn't front and center on any major newspaper in this country...as it should be...what is more common is regular slash and dash news...these people do NOT question what the purpose of the war is...they do NOT refuse assignment to hostile environments...they do NOT sit behind a desk in our nations capitol comfortable against the catastrophe of exploding IED's...personally I think if an individual volunteers his/her time...possibly their life...the loss of limb...physical disfigurement...PTSD...and the horrors of war...when they come back home...if they wanna take morphine...smoke opium...inhale a little high grade marijuana...they are surely entitled...and until one of these bloated money hungry...limp wristed...skirt wearing...sissy assed...politicians drums up the nerve to enlist and serve his country before his own wants and desires...they can brush their teeth with the crusty anal drippings of a fat...sweaty bastards plumbers crack...and floss with the shit covered ass hairs when they're done...I don't see how a select group of people in office can initiate a problem on another continent...bring the people back home when it's all said and done...and then lay blame on the citizens of the country who elected your sorry ass in the first place...I've never really understood that whole aspect of the drug problem in this country...it's okay for you to see a doctor...complain of an ailment...recieve a prescription for a highly addictive substance like Oxycotin...go home...pop a pill for pain...that ends up creating a bib wearing...glassy eyed...drool bucket...incapable of cognitive thought...laying there helpless and hopeless...yet if you run down to the corner and buy a sack of weed...which causes people to go home...hide in their bedroom to get high...play video games...watch and laugh at documentaries that aren't funny under normal circumstances...develop a hunger only a fat kid in a bakery would relate to...raid the fridge...mix up concoctions like waffle dogs and chili...eat greedily with steel mesh gloves on so you don't accidently bite off the tips of your fingers...and you apparently pose a greater threat to society than the bonehead on Oxy's who can't even spell their own name...it's without question the most hypocritical act our government could commit...Heroes don't wear capes my friends...they wear dog tags...and if those individuals...who...regardless of my own political beliefs...I hold in the absolute highest regard...decide they'd like to hobble home on the one good leg they have left...mount a bong to their wheelchair...and attempt to light it thru the efforts of one hand and the inability to attone for the lack of depth perception losing an eye has created for them...I say Leave them the hell alone...they have paid their dues...they have offered to pay a price most Americans would shy away from...they deserve every bit of comfort we can afford them...and if it happens to come thru the use of illicit drugs they were doctored with during the ultimate fight for survival...it is but a small token of our gratitude for the sacrifices they have so willingly made!!! Wars may have produced drug addicts in record numbers...however involvement in the mockery of our government has produced idiots addicted to being the biggest shit sniffin assholes the world has ever witnessed...I had a TSGT in the Air Force who said something I will NEVER forget..."Troops I will NEVER ask of you what I myself am NOT prepared to do"...I'd follow a guy like that thru the fires of hell...he was the epitome of a true leader...these assbags in Washington will NEVER attain the characteristics required to lead a nation...let alone a squad of soldiers...they lack the intestinal fortitude that is mandatory to become successful!!!
Remarkable...our founding fathers used morphine exclusively as a pain reliever...and as a former patient undergoing surgery...lemme assure you there is no better pain reliever on the market...it is however highly addictive...so let's set the record straight...since the discovery of this continent...and it's subsequent settlement our country has fought in several wars...each of them producing a dependency on narcotics by those fighting in them...for one reason or another...and yet after signing a blank check...up to and including the sacrifice of life for fellow countrymen our troops are then brought back to the 'world' they left only to become addicted to a substance sanctioned and utilized by the powers that be during times of conflict...and then they are criticized for developing an addiction...they are shuffled thru a system that no longer has a use for them...released to civilian life...where they are then harassed...arrested.,..and charged with possession and usage of these addictive substances...think the Civil War was singularly responsible for such a heinous act...think again...cocaine at one time was used as an anthestetic...opium has also been used on the field of battle...as well as marijuana...seems to me the War on Drugs little Nancy Reagan initiated...has been going on for quite some time...and over 90% of it can be directly related to an act of war...think our boys over in the middle east are taking tylenol to ease their suffering??? 'Highly' doubtful...Afghanistan is the world's number one producer of opiates...and are heralded for their production of the Kush marijuana strain...our prison system is loaded with former veterans...as well as relatives of veterans...are they given consideration for volunteering to go where those condoning the war exempt themselves from??? Not for a moment...war...is hell on earth...it's not a video game where once you die you tap a button and respawn to resume fighting...it's all out kill or be killed...this war we're fighting now is very similar to the last 'conflict' we were engaged in...there is little to no support for these brave men and women who risk life...limb...and a life of normalcy stateside...on a daily basis...very seldom do we hear any news from the battlefield...it isn't front and center on any major newspaper in this country...as it should be...what is more common is regular slash and dash news...these people do NOT question what the purpose of the war is...they do NOT refuse assignment to hostile environments...they do NOT sit behind a desk in our nations capitol comfortable against the catastrophe of exploding IED's...personally I think if an individual volunteers his/her time...possibly their life...the loss of limb...physical disfigurement...PTSD...and the horrors of war...when they come back home...if they wanna take morphine...smoke opium...inhale a little high grade marijuana...they are surely entitled...and until one of these bloated money hungry...limp wristed...skirt wearing...sissy assed...politicians drums up the nerve to enlist and serve his country before his own wants and desires...they can brush their teeth with the crusty anal drippings of a fat...sweaty bastards plumbers crack...and floss with the shit covered ass hairs when they're done...I don't see how a select group of people in office can initiate a problem on another continent...bring the people back home when it's all said and done...and then lay blame on the citizens of the country who elected your sorry ass in the first place...I've never really understood that whole aspect of the drug problem in this country...it's okay for you to see a doctor...complain of an ailment...recieve a prescription for a highly addictive substance like Oxycotin...go home...pop a pill for pain...that ends up creating a bib wearing...glassy eyed...drool bucket...incapable of cognitive thought...laying there helpless and hopeless...yet if you run down to the corner and buy a sack of weed...which causes people to go home...hide in their bedroom to get high...play video games...watch and laugh at documentaries that aren't funny under normal circumstances...develop a hunger only a fat kid in a bakery would relate to...raid the fridge...mix up concoctions like waffle dogs and chili...eat greedily with steel mesh gloves on so you don't accidently bite off the tips of your fingers...and you apparently pose a greater threat to society than the bonehead on Oxy's who can't even spell their own name...it's without question the most hypocritical act our government could commit...Heroes don't wear capes my friends...they wear dog tags...and if those individuals...who...regardless of my own political beliefs...I hold in the absolute highest regard...decide they'd like to hobble home on the one good leg they have left...mount a bong to their wheelchair...and attempt to light it thru the efforts of one hand and the inability to attone for the lack of depth perception losing an eye has created for them...I say Leave them the hell alone...they have paid their dues...they have offered to pay a price most Americans would shy away from...they deserve every bit of comfort we can afford them...and if it happens to come thru the use of illicit drugs they were doctored with during the ultimate fight for survival...it is but a small token of our gratitude for the sacrifices they have so willingly made!!! Wars may have produced drug addicts in record numbers...however involvement in the mockery of our government has produced idiots addicted to being the biggest shit sniffin assholes the world has ever witnessed...I had a TSGT in the Air Force who said something I will NEVER forget..."Troops I will NEVER ask of you what I myself am NOT prepared to do"...I'd follow a guy like that thru the fires of hell...he was the epitome of a true leader...these assbags in Washington will NEVER attain the characteristics required to lead a nation...let alone a squad of soldiers...they lack the intestinal fortitude that is mandatory to become successful!!!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
11/14/11
This is an afterthought...seperate post for all football fans in general...but especially for those of you who may be...or might personally know...a diehard LIONS fan...the football gods have been assuaged...they have forgiven the fans and returned the game to normalcy...well at least as it applies to football played in the DETROIT area...now many of you have been riding this bandwagon so long you've seen the evolution from a wooden wheel to the nice new rubber based cylindrical rotating grooved devices of transport known as the common tire...the beginning of this season must have been like the glory of the coming of the angels...trumpets blaring...confetti constantly raining from the sky...visions of the Lombardi trophy dancing thru your heads...and then something happened...Peyton Manning was put on the Injured Reserve list...quite possibly for the season...making the Indianapolis Colts the frontrunners of patheticism... thereby giving the football gods a moment of happiness and the ability to forgive the fans of DETROIT for idolizing their team as the 'second coming' of Leatherhead...the football god of win/loss probability... and Superbowl eligibility...and have commanded that from this day forward all football games will henceforth be played as they were meant to be from the earliest days of this season's beginning... no longer will the DETROIT LIONS be held in high esteem by Leatherhead or his legions...for it has been written that not even the pagans of pigskin can interfere with tradition and destiny...and make no mistake the LIONS are definitely a team built on tradition...that tradition being NOT winning a meaningful game in over 6 decades...that destiny has been all but etched into the headstone of the helmetless...eventually they shall become Canada's first southern conference candidate and the suffering will only then be able to secede!!!
11/14/11
Undertakers report that human bodies don't deteriorate as quickly as they used to due to the modern diet containing so many preservatives...
I don't dispute this one bit...even if it's completely made upthere hasta be some truth to it...I don't entirely agree that its a product of too many preservatives ALONE that's causing this lapse in human body decomposition...especially in this day and age...it is a combination of factors which leads to this end result...as I am sure by the end of this paragraph you will all agree to some extent...see the problem isn't just that the FDA...the department appointed by our government to approve all things consumable for purchase by the general public...has allowed farmers as well as big brand name companies to produce produce with more preservatives...it's that they haven't yet put warning labels on food...like they do on guinea pig medicine...I firmly believe that there should be warning labels on all types of food...and food serving establishments...for instance..."eating this product may cause the consumer to feel happy...well fed...and full...temporary side effects may include...IBS...butt mudd so runny not even lime could thicken it up...constipation...CFC disease...(Crammed Full Colon)...long term side effects may include...you dying in your sleep and not being declared dead for up to 2 months...depending on air quality of said death room...and the ability for your great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great grandkids' kids to view your lifeless body for centuries to come...provided you've opted for the glass encased coffin complete with viewing mausoleum...see it's because of the dumbification...(that's a Dubyaism)...of American society in general...we need warning labels on EVERYTHING...it would be so much easier that way...in all aspects of life...think about it for a second...let's take a different topic for a moment...Sex Education...we wouldn't even need a class for this...just a picture of a naked man and woman...with the appropriate warning label..."Do NOT stick this (arrow pointing to penis)...into that(arrow poitning to vagina)...may cause temporary moments of absolute bliss...the sensation of an eruption the size of Mt. St. Helens...the euphoric aftereffect of a great nights sleep...HOWEVER...long term side effects may include...OFFSPRING...little people spawned from the very depths of hell itself...18 years of excitement...drama...the need for more money to feed...cloth...and care for each one that comes screaming into this bright new world...headaches...attitude...disrespect...arguments...curfews...excuses... borrowing vehicles...messy rooms...skipping skewl...I mean the list goes on and on...food is no different.. see people need to be warned over and over and over again until the warnings become obsolete...I mean hell if I owned a big brand name food producing establishment I might even come up with my own slogan..."Our food may not be the best...but you'll look better than the Constitution after 200+ years sittin in your box"...they haven't figured out how to make life itself last longer...so as a consolation prize...they load ya up with enough junk you end up lookin like Elizabeth Taylor after a botox injection...Cockroaches, Twinkies...and Coca-Cola...apparently those are the only items required in your backyard...underground... post nuclear survival bunker...the Cockroaches for nutrition...Twinkies for preservation...and the Coca-Cola to remove the rust from the hinges so you can eventually open the door and climb back outta your hole...it's no damn wonder that afterlife human body preservation and modern day medicine go hand in hand...put enough unnecessary junk in the daily food...it will cause new found diseases almost daily...if not hourly...pump you up with enough medications to combat the original disease while causing a plethora of yet unheard of new maladies...and the wheels on the bus go round and round...my favorite part of this tidbit is the use of the term 'Undertaker'...which aside from the WWF hasn't been used in decades...isn't there a politically correct moniker more commonly in use these days....say Mortician...or perhaps Preservationally Challenged Human Body Decomposition Voodoo Experts...I think most of us...myself included...would discontinue eating altogether if we were more aware of what our daily diet consists of... hell even vegetarians aren't safe...vegetarian...most of you are probably unaware...is a word with origins in the Native American tongues...loosely translated it means..."Piss Poor Hunter"...all the herbicides... pesticides...and aerial sprayed pollutants they use on vegetables turns most of those people into slobbering cabbage headed cramp artists...ever meet one of these idiots??? They always have a cramp of some sort effecting their pristine palaces of putrid existence...maybe it's because they don't eat real food...if we as humans weren't intended to eat other animals they wouldn't be made out of meat...I don't understand the need for preservatives...seems to me there are far more humans then edible animals prepared for consumption at any given time...if the meat at your local grocery store goes grey...you might wanna consider NOT shopping there anymore...it has become evident YOU are their only remaining customer...IDK about you folks but if this turns out to hold water...my loved ones...at least those that depart this planet prior to me...are gonna be Halloween props for generations to come...and at some far distant point in the family tree one of my futuristic relatives is going to come up with the brilliant idea to file a lawsuit against these 'people preserving' produce companies and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams...either that or humanity will become more overindulgent than it already is...there will come a time when we deplete the worlds consumable resources...in which case your well preserved loved ones may come in handy as a tool for survival...I believe my ass would taste best served in some Cajun Gator Gumbo!!!
I don't dispute this one bit...even if it's completely made upthere hasta be some truth to it...I don't entirely agree that its a product of too many preservatives ALONE that's causing this lapse in human body decomposition...especially in this day and age...it is a combination of factors which leads to this end result...as I am sure by the end of this paragraph you will all agree to some extent...see the problem isn't just that the FDA...the department appointed by our government to approve all things consumable for purchase by the general public...has allowed farmers as well as big brand name companies to produce produce with more preservatives...it's that they haven't yet put warning labels on food...like they do on guinea pig medicine...I firmly believe that there should be warning labels on all types of food...and food serving establishments...for instance..."eating this product may cause the consumer to feel happy...well fed...and full...temporary side effects may include...IBS...butt mudd so runny not even lime could thicken it up...constipation...CFC disease...(Crammed Full Colon)...long term side effects may include...you dying in your sleep and not being declared dead for up to 2 months...depending on air quality of said death room...and the ability for your great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great...great grandkids' kids to view your lifeless body for centuries to come...provided you've opted for the glass encased coffin complete with viewing mausoleum...see it's because of the dumbification...(that's a Dubyaism)...of American society in general...we need warning labels on EVERYTHING...it would be so much easier that way...in all aspects of life...think about it for a second...let's take a different topic for a moment...Sex Education...we wouldn't even need a class for this...just a picture of a naked man and woman...with the appropriate warning label..."Do NOT stick this (arrow pointing to penis)...into that(arrow poitning to vagina)...may cause temporary moments of absolute bliss...the sensation of an eruption the size of Mt. St. Helens...the euphoric aftereffect of a great nights sleep...HOWEVER...long term side effects may include...OFFSPRING...little people spawned from the very depths of hell itself...18 years of excitement...drama...the need for more money to feed...cloth...and care for each one that comes screaming into this bright new world...headaches...attitude...disrespect...arguments...curfews...excuses... borrowing vehicles...messy rooms...skipping skewl...I mean the list goes on and on...food is no different.. see people need to be warned over and over and over again until the warnings become obsolete...I mean hell if I owned a big brand name food producing establishment I might even come up with my own slogan..."Our food may not be the best...but you'll look better than the Constitution after 200+ years sittin in your box"...they haven't figured out how to make life itself last longer...so as a consolation prize...they load ya up with enough junk you end up lookin like Elizabeth Taylor after a botox injection...Cockroaches, Twinkies...and Coca-Cola...apparently those are the only items required in your backyard...underground... post nuclear survival bunker...the Cockroaches for nutrition...Twinkies for preservation...and the Coca-Cola to remove the rust from the hinges so you can eventually open the door and climb back outta your hole...it's no damn wonder that afterlife human body preservation and modern day medicine go hand in hand...put enough unnecessary junk in the daily food...it will cause new found diseases almost daily...if not hourly...pump you up with enough medications to combat the original disease while causing a plethora of yet unheard of new maladies...and the wheels on the bus go round and round...my favorite part of this tidbit is the use of the term 'Undertaker'...which aside from the WWF hasn't been used in decades...isn't there a politically correct moniker more commonly in use these days....say Mortician...or perhaps Preservationally Challenged Human Body Decomposition Voodoo Experts...I think most of us...myself included...would discontinue eating altogether if we were more aware of what our daily diet consists of... hell even vegetarians aren't safe...vegetarian...most of you are probably unaware...is a word with origins in the Native American tongues...loosely translated it means..."Piss Poor Hunter"...all the herbicides... pesticides...and aerial sprayed pollutants they use on vegetables turns most of those people into slobbering cabbage headed cramp artists...ever meet one of these idiots??? They always have a cramp of some sort effecting their pristine palaces of putrid existence...maybe it's because they don't eat real food...if we as humans weren't intended to eat other animals they wouldn't be made out of meat...I don't understand the need for preservatives...seems to me there are far more humans then edible animals prepared for consumption at any given time...if the meat at your local grocery store goes grey...you might wanna consider NOT shopping there anymore...it has become evident YOU are their only remaining customer...IDK about you folks but if this turns out to hold water...my loved ones...at least those that depart this planet prior to me...are gonna be Halloween props for generations to come...and at some far distant point in the family tree one of my futuristic relatives is going to come up with the brilliant idea to file a lawsuit against these 'people preserving' produce companies and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams...either that or humanity will become more overindulgent than it already is...there will come a time when we deplete the worlds consumable resources...in which case your well preserved loved ones may come in handy as a tool for survival...I believe my ass would taste best served in some Cajun Gator Gumbo!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
11/11/11
Short-term memory capacity for most people is between 5 & 9 items or digits...that's why phone numbers were kept to 7 digits for so long...
so what is the magic number for short term memory now??? Well that all depends on the type of person you are...and it doesn't apply to most people...it applies to everyone and their particular chosen path thru modern technology...take for instance the computer you're using to view this blog...I can guarantee you with absolute certainty you had to not only type in a USER name...but also a password...and this is true for each and every account you open online...so you either hafta use the same password over and over and over again...so that your short term memory isn't adversely affected...or you hafta attempt to memorize significantly more than the 'average' human being...and I don't know about you but I'd like to know what the definition of the term 'average' refers to with regards to this little morsel of memory capacity and calculation...because I am old skewl...I grew up in an age that didn't have computers...or cell phones...or little check boxes allowing my passwords to be kept by a browser so that my lazy ass wouldn't forget them...nor were we alloowed to use calculators in an attempt to get better grades on math exams...as I recall I had to memorize alot more shit back in the '80's than I do today...let's see there were hundreds of classmates...multiply each of them by 7...and there you had the short term memory capacity of an elephant...mathematical equations...all their steps...quite a bit more than 7 items...today you don't even hafta attend a damn math class at all if you have the right graphing calculator...and yoou know how to operate it...hell with smart phones available these days you don't even hafta go to the library to do any research...now some people embrace this new technology with open arms...others fight it like it was some sort of invasive anally implanted rectal cancer that takes an alien probing to install...personally I just happen to be at an age where I can still grasp most of it without much effort...however I do view it as the beginning of the Declination of Western Civilizations...it is a tool...and it has a meaningful purpose when applied correctly...for most people that simply isn't the case...behind the scenes it is a product controlled by mass media to effect the 'average' human beings daily experience...so many people sit in front of the computer every chance they get that it has taken over as the number one form of entertainment for many...and as time goes on people will become less societal...and much more desensitized about every day events...short term memory has very little swag in the modern era...altho it still has its uses...mine has been converted into a scapegoat...I blame it for not remembering peoples names...the ignorant ramblings they spew forth without being so much as asked...phone numbers I'll never use...its a beautiful thing...seldom used properly anymore...and if the tidbit is indeed true...then perhaps we all need to be branded with 7 digit numbers across our foreheads at birth...because the 'average' humans capacity to remember anything at all whether it be 7 items or digits is easily efected thru manipulation...the biggest example of this...in recent events...would be 9/11...there are so many differing stories...videos... government explanations...that even people who were standing outside the damn buildings...within feet of each other...have entirely different recollections of the days events...this manipulation of memory is ever present in the field of law enforcement...and the legal system itself...'Hogwash'...you say...take a day off work...go sit in a county courthouse and watch the days proceedings...one after the other people will be called forward to face charges...they'll be read what the charges are...and asked for a plea...they'll more often than not enter a plea of not guilty...at which time the prosecuting attorney will make an offer to the defendant or their attorney...by the time it's all said and done...Dave the Defendant will plead guilty to a lesser charge...which in most cases isn't even related to the original charge...if you wait until Dave walks out of the courtroom and ask him what he was just convicted of...he'll spout off the charge named in the plea deal...without even mentioning the original charges or the plea offer he accepted...and if that doesn't do it for ya...if you take 7 people...put them in an ordinary situation...let's say sitting around a table at a bar...introduce an extraordinary event...say a bar fight involving six different people...seperate the original 7 people and interview them each as to what took place and you will have 7 different stories evolve... memory is stored in clips...fragments...thumbnails in the mind...when recalled they get distorted... discombobulated...filling in the voids with things that are from other memories...or just made up... now if you wanna have some fun with this...use it at your next alcohol present social gathering...or better yet...use it the day after...call up the individual who had the most to drink...tell them a completely ficticious story about something they did or said the night before...have a couple other eople who were in attendance do the same thing...repeating the same made up story...by Monday morning the poor bastard will have contemplated the plausibility of said story so many times thru out the remainder of the weekend that if you have somebody who wasn't in attendance...idly approach the now embarrassed alcoholic... and ask him how his weekend went...chances are he'll recite a 'memory' that NEVER happened...so don't let short term memory lapse make a fool out of ya...my short term memory may suck...but my long term ability to hold a grudge will last forever...LOL!!!
so what is the magic number for short term memory now??? Well that all depends on the type of person you are...and it doesn't apply to most people...it applies to everyone and their particular chosen path thru modern technology...take for instance the computer you're using to view this blog...I can guarantee you with absolute certainty you had to not only type in a USER name...but also a password...and this is true for each and every account you open online...so you either hafta use the same password over and over and over again...so that your short term memory isn't adversely affected...or you hafta attempt to memorize significantly more than the 'average' human being...and I don't know about you but I'd like to know what the definition of the term 'average' refers to with regards to this little morsel of memory capacity and calculation...because I am old skewl...I grew up in an age that didn't have computers...or cell phones...or little check boxes allowing my passwords to be kept by a browser so that my lazy ass wouldn't forget them...nor were we alloowed to use calculators in an attempt to get better grades on math exams...as I recall I had to memorize alot more shit back in the '80's than I do today...let's see there were hundreds of classmates...multiply each of them by 7...and there you had the short term memory capacity of an elephant...mathematical equations...all their steps...quite a bit more than 7 items...today you don't even hafta attend a damn math class at all if you have the right graphing calculator...and yoou know how to operate it...hell with smart phones available these days you don't even hafta go to the library to do any research...now some people embrace this new technology with open arms...others fight it like it was some sort of invasive anally implanted rectal cancer that takes an alien probing to install...personally I just happen to be at an age where I can still grasp most of it without much effort...however I do view it as the beginning of the Declination of Western Civilizations...it is a tool...and it has a meaningful purpose when applied correctly...for most people that simply isn't the case...behind the scenes it is a product controlled by mass media to effect the 'average' human beings daily experience...so many people sit in front of the computer every chance they get that it has taken over as the number one form of entertainment for many...and as time goes on people will become less societal...and much more desensitized about every day events...short term memory has very little swag in the modern era...altho it still has its uses...mine has been converted into a scapegoat...I blame it for not remembering peoples names...the ignorant ramblings they spew forth without being so much as asked...phone numbers I'll never use...its a beautiful thing...seldom used properly anymore...and if the tidbit is indeed true...then perhaps we all need to be branded with 7 digit numbers across our foreheads at birth...because the 'average' humans capacity to remember anything at all whether it be 7 items or digits is easily efected thru manipulation...the biggest example of this...in recent events...would be 9/11...there are so many differing stories...videos... government explanations...that even people who were standing outside the damn buildings...within feet of each other...have entirely different recollections of the days events...this manipulation of memory is ever present in the field of law enforcement...and the legal system itself...'Hogwash'...you say...take a day off work...go sit in a county courthouse and watch the days proceedings...one after the other people will be called forward to face charges...they'll be read what the charges are...and asked for a plea...they'll more often than not enter a plea of not guilty...at which time the prosecuting attorney will make an offer to the defendant or their attorney...by the time it's all said and done...Dave the Defendant will plead guilty to a lesser charge...which in most cases isn't even related to the original charge...if you wait until Dave walks out of the courtroom and ask him what he was just convicted of...he'll spout off the charge named in the plea deal...without even mentioning the original charges or the plea offer he accepted...and if that doesn't do it for ya...if you take 7 people...put them in an ordinary situation...let's say sitting around a table at a bar...introduce an extraordinary event...say a bar fight involving six different people...seperate the original 7 people and interview them each as to what took place and you will have 7 different stories evolve... memory is stored in clips...fragments...thumbnails in the mind...when recalled they get distorted... discombobulated...filling in the voids with things that are from other memories...or just made up... now if you wanna have some fun with this...use it at your next alcohol present social gathering...or better yet...use it the day after...call up the individual who had the most to drink...tell them a completely ficticious story about something they did or said the night before...have a couple other eople who were in attendance do the same thing...repeating the same made up story...by Monday morning the poor bastard will have contemplated the plausibility of said story so many times thru out the remainder of the weekend that if you have somebody who wasn't in attendance...idly approach the now embarrassed alcoholic... and ask him how his weekend went...chances are he'll recite a 'memory' that NEVER happened...so don't let short term memory lapse make a fool out of ya...my short term memory may suck...but my long term ability to hold a grudge will last forever...LOL!!!
11/10/11
Honey is used as the center for golf balls and in antifreeze mixtures!
Really??? What would the purpose behind this be??? More impoprtantly...just how in the hell do they get honey into the center of a golf ball??? Has anyone taken the time to analyze the properties of honey??? Not the first product I would grab to cure myself of frostbite...why the hell would it be an ingredient in antifreeze??? Honey is thick...sticky...and an absolute mess...it's made by bees and eaten by bears... and last time I checked neither species was driving to the local golf course to shag a bag of balls...even if this were true...who determines which brand of honey to use...I mean does Nike partner up with Sue Bee Honey to make golf balls...the Sue Bee Swoosh Straight Flight Golf Ball...when you're in a jam...reach for a Sue Bee Swoosh...golf balls were originally made of tightly wound rubber banding which was then coated with a dimple layered shell...nowadays they are more complex...using polymers...plastics and all kinds of shit not related to honey...the only possible reason I can come up with that honey would be an additive in antifreeze is to attract dogs that terrorize the neighborhood pets...tear up garbage...and other wise make an absolute nuisance of themsleves...and to me that's just wrong...an overabundance of chocolate will do the same thing...and at least with that you can have some too...I think 'honey' is at the center of this tidbit authors head...I know stuffed bears in the Hundred Acre Wood with more common sense then this guy...I'd like to meet this half a meatball...see what other remarkable kind of insider information old Genuis George has about the invention of earthly things...what's at the center of a baseball??? The same stuff they make rat traps out of...thicker...and stickier than honey...would only make sense wouldn't it??? What's in the center of a basketball there rocket surgeon??? Is it air...or Herring FRT...now I can't say for absolute certainty that this little tidbit is incorrect...for all I know every word of it could be 100% true...I can't do all the work for ya...at some point class one of ya hasta take the initiative to do your homework...lol...one thing I am undoubtedly certain of is this...99% of the time information like this is made up and passed off as being one of those...'Now you know' moments...it's being done by somebody who's had one too many inhalations on the Hookah...that or it was overheard by that bubble headed...'god blessed her with beauty'...'oh look...she's locked herself in the car again...poor thing'...big tittied...blonde bimbo pinned to the wall of every small town garage bathroom wall...and in her enthusiasm to share her new level of intelligence with the world...has gone about every day life reciting it like it were the lost Gospel of Hiram the Honey Jew...that's right folks...didn't know Donny 'The Bear Jew' Donowitz had a gay half Hasidic heroic relative...also known as the 13th apostle...an ancient expert on the flight of dimpled balls and the cooling systems of futuristic humanoid transport devices...no folks I believe the only thing at the center of this tidbit was the munchies...or the lack of intelligent life wearing a blond wig...I will however commit it to memory...just in case it happens to be on that all important final quiz...and just happens to be the ever sought after answer to that age old question..."What is the meaning of Life?"
Really??? What would the purpose behind this be??? More impoprtantly...just how in the hell do they get honey into the center of a golf ball??? Has anyone taken the time to analyze the properties of honey??? Not the first product I would grab to cure myself of frostbite...why the hell would it be an ingredient in antifreeze??? Honey is thick...sticky...and an absolute mess...it's made by bees and eaten by bears... and last time I checked neither species was driving to the local golf course to shag a bag of balls...even if this were true...who determines which brand of honey to use...I mean does Nike partner up with Sue Bee Honey to make golf balls...the Sue Bee Swoosh Straight Flight Golf Ball...when you're in a jam...reach for a Sue Bee Swoosh...golf balls were originally made of tightly wound rubber banding which was then coated with a dimple layered shell...nowadays they are more complex...using polymers...plastics and all kinds of shit not related to honey...the only possible reason I can come up with that honey would be an additive in antifreeze is to attract dogs that terrorize the neighborhood pets...tear up garbage...and other wise make an absolute nuisance of themsleves...and to me that's just wrong...an overabundance of chocolate will do the same thing...and at least with that you can have some too...I think 'honey' is at the center of this tidbit authors head...I know stuffed bears in the Hundred Acre Wood with more common sense then this guy...I'd like to meet this half a meatball...see what other remarkable kind of insider information old Genuis George has about the invention of earthly things...what's at the center of a baseball??? The same stuff they make rat traps out of...thicker...and stickier than honey...would only make sense wouldn't it??? What's in the center of a basketball there rocket surgeon??? Is it air...or Herring FRT...now I can't say for absolute certainty that this little tidbit is incorrect...for all I know every word of it could be 100% true...I can't do all the work for ya...at some point class one of ya hasta take the initiative to do your homework...lol...one thing I am undoubtedly certain of is this...99% of the time information like this is made up and passed off as being one of those...'Now you know' moments...it's being done by somebody who's had one too many inhalations on the Hookah...that or it was overheard by that bubble headed...'god blessed her with beauty'...'oh look...she's locked herself in the car again...poor thing'...big tittied...blonde bimbo pinned to the wall of every small town garage bathroom wall...and in her enthusiasm to share her new level of intelligence with the world...has gone about every day life reciting it like it were the lost Gospel of Hiram the Honey Jew...that's right folks...didn't know Donny 'The Bear Jew' Donowitz had a gay half Hasidic heroic relative...also known as the 13th apostle...an ancient expert on the flight of dimpled balls and the cooling systems of futuristic humanoid transport devices...no folks I believe the only thing at the center of this tidbit was the munchies...or the lack of intelligent life wearing a blond wig...I will however commit it to memory...just in case it happens to be on that all important final quiz...and just happens to be the ever sought after answer to that age old question..."What is the meaning of Life?"
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
11/09/11
It only takes 7lbs of pressure to rip off your ears...
I happen to think this is debatable...depending on the ear in question and the method applied to ripping it off...take for instance pig ears...takes alot more than 7lbs of pressure to rip the ears off a pig...it takes an unwanton desire to dine on these southern delicacies...the fleet feet of Forrest Gump...from GreeeenBow Allla Bama...a purty...one tooth...cigarette smokin'...hairy ass cracked she mammoth...who knows all about fixin vittles like pig ears...but we're not talkin about pig ears are we...nope...we're discussing the removal of auditory receptacles found sprouting from that cabbage like thing sittin on top of several peoples shoulders...however it still depends on the ear and the tugger...I'll bet if you ask Evander Holyfield...he'll say it took Iron Mike "tramp Stamp on my face" Tyson 7...a terror filled bear hug and 7 teeth to rip off just half his ear...but here...again...I am almost left speechless by the indications this piece of information contains...one would almost assuredly have every right to assume there was some sort of study conducted to determine the factuality of the aforementioned claim...which begs to question...was this just some kinda weird...Star Trek...Harry Potter...Nerd Convention afterparty accident...was it perhaps a Frat House Party dare gone wrong??? What was the name of the dumbass who declared...'For the love of Science and the betterment of all mankind...I hereby donate my left ear...' Since we're on the subject of ripping off ears...and dumbasses...who among you thinks they could rip the elephantlike ears off of old Dumbya... you know if old Saddlebag Jowls (Barbara) couldn't twist those damn things off while he was growin up...there ain't a chance in hell 7lbs of pressure is gonna do it...I personally think alot more time and energy need to be spent pursuing a professionally conducted study of this ear ripping phenomenon...I know...we can round up all the politicians...lawyers...doctors...judges...cops...and kids under 7...line them up and I'll single handedly walk up one side of the line and down the other ripping off ears at a record pace...until I've determined...once and for all...and without any doubt...if 7lbs of pressure is indeed accurate...now you might be saying to yourself...'WOW Kevin...that's harsh...I mean I can understand the politicians...lawyers...doctors...judges...and even the cops...they don't listen to anyone anyway...but all the kids under 7???' Well of course...whaddaya have Alzheimers??? According to Paranormal Experts kids under 7 only SEE ghosts...they don't hear them...I mean Haley Joel Osment didn't utter the catch phrase "I hear dead people"...now did he!!!
I happen to think this is debatable...depending on the ear in question and the method applied to ripping it off...take for instance pig ears...takes alot more than 7lbs of pressure to rip the ears off a pig...it takes an unwanton desire to dine on these southern delicacies...the fleet feet of Forrest Gump...from GreeeenBow Allla Bama...a purty...one tooth...cigarette smokin'...hairy ass cracked she mammoth...who knows all about fixin vittles like pig ears...but we're not talkin about pig ears are we...nope...we're discussing the removal of auditory receptacles found sprouting from that cabbage like thing sittin on top of several peoples shoulders...however it still depends on the ear and the tugger...I'll bet if you ask Evander Holyfield...he'll say it took Iron Mike "tramp Stamp on my face" Tyson 7...a terror filled bear hug and 7 teeth to rip off just half his ear...but here...again...I am almost left speechless by the indications this piece of information contains...one would almost assuredly have every right to assume there was some sort of study conducted to determine the factuality of the aforementioned claim...which begs to question...was this just some kinda weird...Star Trek...Harry Potter...Nerd Convention afterparty accident...was it perhaps a Frat House Party dare gone wrong??? What was the name of the dumbass who declared...'For the love of Science and the betterment of all mankind...I hereby donate my left ear...' Since we're on the subject of ripping off ears...and dumbasses...who among you thinks they could rip the elephantlike ears off of old Dumbya... you know if old Saddlebag Jowls (Barbara) couldn't twist those damn things off while he was growin up...there ain't a chance in hell 7lbs of pressure is gonna do it...I personally think alot more time and energy need to be spent pursuing a professionally conducted study of this ear ripping phenomenon...I know...we can round up all the politicians...lawyers...doctors...judges...cops...and kids under 7...line them up and I'll single handedly walk up one side of the line and down the other ripping off ears at a record pace...until I've determined...once and for all...and without any doubt...if 7lbs of pressure is indeed accurate...now you might be saying to yourself...'WOW Kevin...that's harsh...I mean I can understand the politicians...lawyers...doctors...judges...and even the cops...they don't listen to anyone anyway...but all the kids under 7???' Well of course...whaddaya have Alzheimers??? According to Paranormal Experts kids under 7 only SEE ghosts...they don't hear them...I mean Haley Joel Osment didn't utter the catch phrase "I hear dead people"...now did he!!!
Monday, November 7, 2011
11/08/11
Not factoring in the wind, raindrops fall between 7 and 18 mph in still air...
Here is another shining example of stupidity personified...NOT factoring in wind...how about air resistance??? Or the Corealis Effect...you know that term used to describe the earth's rotational forces on an object??? Where exactly does rain fall in still air??? In order for anything to fall in still air...the place to which it is falling...has to be void of atmosphere...as well as completley static...immobile...non rotational...I have been fortunate enough to have had the experiences of living in several different states...North...South...East...and West...and I have yet to see a storm...a scattered shower...or a single rain cloud...stay in one position...storms do what??? They brew...they approach...they blow in...on what??? Surely not bicycles...not in hot air balloons...on what??? The WIND...so not factoring wind into the rate of rainfall equation is akin to saying...Not factoring in...water...a car can travel from California to Hawaii in just under 14 hours...in other words you cannot eliminate a constant within an equation and expect it to calculate a result anywhere near correct...and guess what??? I learned all that in highschool...no Harvard degree required...I could just as easily apply this type of formula to everyday life...NOT factoring in Tony Romo...the Cowboys are the best team in the NFL...Not factoring in obesity...shitty taste in clothes... hair dyes that make parrots look bland Wal-Martians are regular people too...Not factoring in turbulence...the absence of a parachute...the decompression of an airplanes cabin when the door gets yanked open...the Yalie who came up with this little formula should approach the speed of terminal velocity equivalent to... 'Boy this is sure gonna leave a mark'... when I push their ass out of a plane flying at 32,000 feet... my big question is...where in the hell do we grow these people...are institues of higher learning just wastelands of useless information...this is one of the primary reasons our National Debt is so outrageous...people graduate highschool...apply for government backed student loans...they are granted tuiton upon loan approval...they spend 4+ years striving for a little piece of paper in a picture frame... then they proceed to use the education they received to postulate assinine theories and formulae... unfortunately there isn't a useful purpose for this information...they get no financial stipend for concocting such a hairbrain idea...and default on their government backed student loans...and who gets stuck with the bill...the Chinese...since that's who we hafta borrow money from...Not factoring in greed... corruption...lying...cheating...stealing...and borrowing from the biggest Communist country on the planet our illustrious form of government wrongfully titled a Democracy works marvelously...and just so we're clear here...those of you who are wondering..."What the hell does he mean wrongfully titled a Democracy?"...I implore you to recite the Pledge of Allegiance...go ahead...take a few minutes...I'll wait... (whistling...drumming fingers)...didja do it? Now ask yourself this question...did you Pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Democracy for which it stands??? Not if you graduated 3rd grade...you pledged to the flag...and to the REPUBLIC for which it stands...which I'm sure the gods at Google will tell you is entirely different from that of a Democracy...see in a REPUBLIC such formulae are allowed to exist without a moments hesitation as to whether or not it's true...in a DEMOCRACY we would have the right to hang...shoot...decpitate using a guillotine with extreme malice all these gene pool polluters...Not factoring in...the gift of gab...the ability to think outside the box...an affinity to entertain thry humorous musings...my debonair charm...and striking good looks...you're just reading the ramblings of a disgruntled veteran with nothing but time on his hands and a computer on his lap!!! LOL!!!
Here is another shining example of stupidity personified...NOT factoring in wind...how about air resistance??? Or the Corealis Effect...you know that term used to describe the earth's rotational forces on an object??? Where exactly does rain fall in still air??? In order for anything to fall in still air...the place to which it is falling...has to be void of atmosphere...as well as completley static...immobile...non rotational...I have been fortunate enough to have had the experiences of living in several different states...North...South...East...and West...and I have yet to see a storm...a scattered shower...or a single rain cloud...stay in one position...storms do what??? They brew...they approach...they blow in...on what??? Surely not bicycles...not in hot air balloons...on what??? The WIND...so not factoring wind into the rate of rainfall equation is akin to saying...Not factoring in...water...a car can travel from California to Hawaii in just under 14 hours...in other words you cannot eliminate a constant within an equation and expect it to calculate a result anywhere near correct...and guess what??? I learned all that in highschool...no Harvard degree required...I could just as easily apply this type of formula to everyday life...NOT factoring in Tony Romo...the Cowboys are the best team in the NFL...Not factoring in obesity...shitty taste in clothes... hair dyes that make parrots look bland Wal-Martians are regular people too...Not factoring in turbulence...the absence of a parachute...the decompression of an airplanes cabin when the door gets yanked open...the Yalie who came up with this little formula should approach the speed of terminal velocity equivalent to... 'Boy this is sure gonna leave a mark'... when I push their ass out of a plane flying at 32,000 feet... my big question is...where in the hell do we grow these people...are institues of higher learning just wastelands of useless information...this is one of the primary reasons our National Debt is so outrageous...people graduate highschool...apply for government backed student loans...they are granted tuiton upon loan approval...they spend 4+ years striving for a little piece of paper in a picture frame... then they proceed to use the education they received to postulate assinine theories and formulae... unfortunately there isn't a useful purpose for this information...they get no financial stipend for concocting such a hairbrain idea...and default on their government backed student loans...and who gets stuck with the bill...the Chinese...since that's who we hafta borrow money from...Not factoring in greed... corruption...lying...cheating...stealing...and borrowing from the biggest Communist country on the planet our illustrious form of government wrongfully titled a Democracy works marvelously...and just so we're clear here...those of you who are wondering..."What the hell does he mean wrongfully titled a Democracy?"...I implore you to recite the Pledge of Allegiance...go ahead...take a few minutes...I'll wait... (whistling...drumming fingers)...didja do it? Now ask yourself this question...did you Pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Democracy for which it stands??? Not if you graduated 3rd grade...you pledged to the flag...and to the REPUBLIC for which it stands...which I'm sure the gods at Google will tell you is entirely different from that of a Democracy...see in a REPUBLIC such formulae are allowed to exist without a moments hesitation as to whether or not it's true...in a DEMOCRACY we would have the right to hang...shoot...decpitate using a guillotine with extreme malice all these gene pool polluters...Not factoring in...the gift of gab...the ability to think outside the box...an affinity to entertain thry humorous musings...my debonair charm...and striking good looks...you're just reading the ramblings of a disgruntled veteran with nothing but time on his hands and a computer on his lap!!! LOL!!!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
11/07/11
In Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., in the late 50's thru early 70's there was a dentist named Dunat Yelle...
I don't know about you but in my opinion this...to me anyways...reflects the pure genius of this dentists parents...name their kid Dunat Yelle and then guide him in the direction of dentistry...if only more parents had the premonition to name their children accordingly...can you imagine...lawyers with names like Imma Lyar...or for the middle eastern lawyer...Allah Bout Prophet...at least their names would enlighten you as to what to expect...show up at the doctors office and see the name plate on the door...I. Carvemup...or Dat Hertz...the possiblities are endless...Bling Bling would no longer be used to describe what hip hop artists wear in excess...it would be the name of a Chinese telephone operator...Bling...Bling...Herro...or how about for drunken native Americans...Running Yellow Water...or the blind Irishman...Ike Antsy MacOckeneymorra...I mean if people had names like these a person would no immediately upon being introduced whether or not they wished to associate with them on any level...I know it would help me out immensely...then maybe people wouldn't be so apt to believe everything that comes out of others mouths...take for instance our recent experience with the 'Paranormal Experts'...had that genius been named Moronsa Wate...chances are nobody woulda given a second thought to anything they hafta say...or had they been named I.C. Sheets...tends to lose what respectability they may have otherwise duped masses of minions to believe in...I keep waiting...and watching the tv patiently...hoping that eventually I'll catch a weather report down south...where they interview Deysa Ternada Cummins...that elusive redneck weather predicter who just happens to know the exact date and time their trailer is gonna be blown away!!! Keep your eyes peeled folks for...Dey Walker Mongus...you may know them by other names...but rest assured they do exist!!! LOL!!!
I don't know about you but in my opinion this...to me anyways...reflects the pure genius of this dentists parents...name their kid Dunat Yelle and then guide him in the direction of dentistry...if only more parents had the premonition to name their children accordingly...can you imagine...lawyers with names like Imma Lyar...or for the middle eastern lawyer...Allah Bout Prophet...at least their names would enlighten you as to what to expect...show up at the doctors office and see the name plate on the door...I. Carvemup...or Dat Hertz...the possiblities are endless...Bling Bling would no longer be used to describe what hip hop artists wear in excess...it would be the name of a Chinese telephone operator...Bling...Bling...Herro...or how about for drunken native Americans...Running Yellow Water...or the blind Irishman...Ike Antsy MacOckeneymorra...I mean if people had names like these a person would no immediately upon being introduced whether or not they wished to associate with them on any level...I know it would help me out immensely...then maybe people wouldn't be so apt to believe everything that comes out of others mouths...take for instance our recent experience with the 'Paranormal Experts'...had that genius been named Moronsa Wate...chances are nobody woulda given a second thought to anything they hafta say...or had they been named I.C. Sheets...tends to lose what respectability they may have otherwise duped masses of minions to believe in...I keep waiting...and watching the tv patiently...hoping that eventually I'll catch a weather report down south...where they interview Deysa Ternada Cummins...that elusive redneck weather predicter who just happens to know the exact date and time their trailer is gonna be blown away!!! Keep your eyes peeled folks for...Dey Walker Mongus...you may know them by other names...but rest assured they do exist!!! LOL!!!
11/06/11
Scientists have discovered that North Atlantic Herring have a unique way of communicating called FRT
Okay...so I'm watchin a program on Animal Planet the other night about the 10 loudest animals on the planet...and believe it or not the North Atlantic Herring was on the list...a buncha scientists got together in 2003 and conducted a study using high tech equipment to determine what...if any...kinda sound a school of Herring made...much to their surprise...mine as well...it was determined that Herring pass gas which releases bubbles and emits a high frequency noise...it has been suggested that they use this technique to communicate...the scientists who made this discovery named this peculiar noise Fast Repetitive Tick...or FRT...I have a couple issues with this...1) Who funds fish fart finding expeditions??? I mean how do you spend all that time and money on obtaining an education...just to wake up one morning get halfway thru the shit, shower, and shave routine...look in the mirror and think to yourself..."Ya know what I'm gonna do today...find someone to financially back my foray into finding a fish that farts?" Who in their right mind hears this proposition...and thinks..."Well Hell Yes I'll fund your little fish fart finding boat trip" 2) How in the world do you make the assesment that Herring use this as a form of communication? Don't all living things pass gas? I know my animals do...and I have no doubt they aren't tryin to communicate a damn thing...much like humans...we pass gas otherwise our bodies would fill up with methane and explode...trust me a little teaspoon fart is far easier to deal with than shit filled combustible human flesh bags poppin on every street corner...these scientists however...reason that since a Herring emits a high frequency noise only heard by other Herring...when they FRT...that it must be a form of communication...hmmm...I beg to differ...I myself have released several thousand SBD's in my lifetime...emitting the faintest of sounds upon exit...probably only audible to dogs within a city block...and not once was I attempting to communicate with them or anyone else for that matter...on some occassions this little act causes people to go running...screaming...theres even been a few teary eyed gaggers here and there...but not once was I attempting to convey a secret message to anyone of them...perhaps the Herring are much the same way...they school together in the thousands for protection...one practical joker starts off with a little FRT...knowing that the rest aren't goin anywhere for fear of gettin eaten...and before ya know it the whole school of Herring get in on it...passin gas...laughin it up at the boatload full of idiots with who showed up this afternoon with high tech listening equipment to record fish farts!!!
Okay...so I'm watchin a program on Animal Planet the other night about the 10 loudest animals on the planet...and believe it or not the North Atlantic Herring was on the list...a buncha scientists got together in 2003 and conducted a study using high tech equipment to determine what...if any...kinda sound a school of Herring made...much to their surprise...mine as well...it was determined that Herring pass gas which releases bubbles and emits a high frequency noise...it has been suggested that they use this technique to communicate...the scientists who made this discovery named this peculiar noise Fast Repetitive Tick...or FRT...I have a couple issues with this...1) Who funds fish fart finding expeditions??? I mean how do you spend all that time and money on obtaining an education...just to wake up one morning get halfway thru the shit, shower, and shave routine...look in the mirror and think to yourself..."Ya know what I'm gonna do today...find someone to financially back my foray into finding a fish that farts?" Who in their right mind hears this proposition...and thinks..."Well Hell Yes I'll fund your little fish fart finding boat trip" 2) How in the world do you make the assesment that Herring use this as a form of communication? Don't all living things pass gas? I know my animals do...and I have no doubt they aren't tryin to communicate a damn thing...much like humans...we pass gas otherwise our bodies would fill up with methane and explode...trust me a little teaspoon fart is far easier to deal with than shit filled combustible human flesh bags poppin on every street corner...these scientists however...reason that since a Herring emits a high frequency noise only heard by other Herring...when they FRT...that it must be a form of communication...hmmm...I beg to differ...I myself have released several thousand SBD's in my lifetime...emitting the faintest of sounds upon exit...probably only audible to dogs within a city block...and not once was I attempting to communicate with them or anyone else for that matter...on some occassions this little act causes people to go running...screaming...theres even been a few teary eyed gaggers here and there...but not once was I attempting to convey a secret message to anyone of them...perhaps the Herring are much the same way...they school together in the thousands for protection...one practical joker starts off with a little FRT...knowing that the rest aren't goin anywhere for fear of gettin eaten...and before ya know it the whole school of Herring get in on it...passin gas...laughin it up at the boatload full of idiots with who showed up this afternoon with high tech listening equipment to record fish farts!!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
11/05/11
Iowa defeats Michigan in College football...
Apparently you don't hafta attend a college in order to dress like a zebra and make bad calls...so much for video replay working either...ya know football was so much better to watch before instant replay and televised scoreboards that show the play over and over and over...I am stupified that tens of thousands of fans...in the stands...as well as in houses across America got the play right...hell even ESPN commentators got the call right...the announcers at the game got the call right...Michigan touchdown...2 point conversion means a tie game and overtime...all the pinstriped peckerheads on the field got it wrong...the video replay officials got it wrong...in 49 other states that would have been called a catch...apparently the only thing considered a catch in Iowa is your unshaven...bucktoothed...corn chompin...suet sloppin...one eyed sister at the annual Sadie Hawkins dance...and to make matters worse on the ensuing play a Michigan player got mugged...damn near raped...and again...no call...Game Over...almost makes one wonder if NCAA football's governing body didn't have an ulterior motive...a loss by Michigan...which they could effect...coupled by losses by Nebraska...and Michigan State...woulda left the Big Ten Legends division up for grabs...2 out of 3 accomplished...with all the money spent across this nation on Saturday afternoon football games one would think that with all the officials on the field and in the booth... that at least one of these cornfed countryfucks coulda made the right call...I am always left with a sense of inequality among humans when something of this nature occurs...very few jobs offer the ability to make ten times the average income...while completely sucking in said chosen career field...how many of us could make such a monumental error...on the job...one day and fully expect to return to work the following day...or week...without so much as a bad review...let alone entertaining the idea of maintaining our position of employment? It's not like this was a multiple choice quiz...the answer was provided several different times...and yet those taking the test failed miserably...it was like a classroom full of idiots all cheated off the wrong guys paper!!! Hats off to Coach Brady...obviously a better man than I...for had I been in his position I undoubtedly would have decorated the goal posts with more than a few zebra suited sister chasers!!!
Apparently you don't hafta attend a college in order to dress like a zebra and make bad calls...so much for video replay working either...ya know football was so much better to watch before instant replay and televised scoreboards that show the play over and over and over...I am stupified that tens of thousands of fans...in the stands...as well as in houses across America got the play right...hell even ESPN commentators got the call right...the announcers at the game got the call right...Michigan touchdown...2 point conversion means a tie game and overtime...all the pinstriped peckerheads on the field got it wrong...the video replay officials got it wrong...in 49 other states that would have been called a catch...apparently the only thing considered a catch in Iowa is your unshaven...bucktoothed...corn chompin...suet sloppin...one eyed sister at the annual Sadie Hawkins dance...and to make matters worse on the ensuing play a Michigan player got mugged...damn near raped...and again...no call...Game Over...almost makes one wonder if NCAA football's governing body didn't have an ulterior motive...a loss by Michigan...which they could effect...coupled by losses by Nebraska...and Michigan State...woulda left the Big Ten Legends division up for grabs...2 out of 3 accomplished...with all the money spent across this nation on Saturday afternoon football games one would think that with all the officials on the field and in the booth... that at least one of these cornfed countryfucks coulda made the right call...I am always left with a sense of inequality among humans when something of this nature occurs...very few jobs offer the ability to make ten times the average income...while completely sucking in said chosen career field...how many of us could make such a monumental error...on the job...one day and fully expect to return to work the following day...or week...without so much as a bad review...let alone entertaining the idea of maintaining our position of employment? It's not like this was a multiple choice quiz...the answer was provided several different times...and yet those taking the test failed miserably...it was like a classroom full of idiots all cheated off the wrong guys paper!!! Hats off to Coach Brady...obviously a better man than I...for had I been in his position I undoubtedly would have decorated the goal posts with more than a few zebra suited sister chasers!!!
Friday, November 4, 2011
11/04/11
Paranormal experts say people reach the peak of their ability to see ghosts @ 7 years old.
Paranormal experts??? Paranormal experts??? Let's take a moment and decipher the english language...shall we??? The meaning/definitionn of paranormal is:
so...exactly what does that hafta do with seeing ghosts??? Do telekinetics interact with ghosts??? Not normally...okay not since man began recording history...how about clairvoyants??? Not if they wanna be taken seriously...they see into the future...or are able to see events that have already happened in a person's...LIFE...that's right...shout it out if ya know the answer...not DEATH...LIFE...nothing to do with ghosts...so just how in the hell can these 'paranormal experts' deduce that little tidbit??? Here's the whole problem with this tidbit...A 'paranormal expert'...assuming we change the meaning to "Afterlife Specialist"...is normally somebody...over the age of 18...@ least on TV...who investigates suspected haunted houses and locations...yet according to their own statement...one we would be safe in expecting them to believe in..."People reach the peak of their ability to see ghosts @ 7 years old"...making them self titled liars...because at the very least they have surpassed their ability to see ghosts by 11+ years...making them a...'HAS BEEN'...or...'NEVER WAS'...in every sense of the word...I love it when these people with made up jobs issue a statement that in a nutshell admits that their entire career choice is a damn sham for 2 reasons...1) The idiot who originally came up with this statement undoubtedly did so without so much as a thought wisping across the vast emptiness between his ears...and 2) because 99.9% of people who read that statement and look no further...take it at face value as being true...hell an 'expert' said so...must be true...and nary an idea wisps across their previously empty mind either...now aren't you HAPPY as HELL you're now in the 0.01% who have been enlightened...lol...now I don't know about ghosts and such...apparently the government didn't find it significant enough to allocate finances for 'paranormal activity' classes...and I'm pretty damn sure it isn't on the class requirement list for any known degree from a respectable institution of higher learning...I urge you who are believers of afterlife activity involving spooky...misty...moaning apparitions to take note of that statement when your earthly ass reaches for your checkbook/credit card to hire one of these 'experts'...if the person you make the payment to is over 7 years old...save yourself some time...a ton of money...and your self respect...make the checks out to me...send them to me next day air...hell you're in the mood to waste money anyway...might as well give Fed Ex some too...I will peer into my K-Mart Magic 8 ball...ask it if your house is indeed haunted...and provide you with an expert opinion of my own...because according to most people over 40-45...they don't lose their ability to see letters...that make out words...and read them until they are older than Noah...here's another amazing tidbit I'll leave you with...a certain expert I know...in the field of making an ass out of shit like this...hint...hint...says that people NEVER lose their ability to see dumbasses like 'paranormal experts' for what they are...if they simply open their minds a little wider than their eyes!!!
Paranormal experts??? Paranormal experts??? Let's take a moment and decipher the english language...shall we??? The meaning/definitionn of paranormal is:
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Thursday, November 3, 2011
11/03/2011
In Athens, Greece, a driver's license can be taken away if the driver is deemed either "unbathed" or "poorly dressed".
Oops! No more running to the grocery store in sweats!!
Aren't they still runnin around in a horse drawn cart...who the hell needs a license for that? Now a place where that law would come in handy is a little closer to home...you enact that law in New York City...or Washington D.C. and you could probably settle the National debt thru the issuance of citations...most of those cabbies wear the same goat herdin garb they washed up on shore with...maybe if old Abdullah bin Hamzid al Shabazz had to wash his damn clothes once in awhile he wouldn't be so upset with the infidels in America...he wouldn't hafta run around smellin like camel cum and goat shit...and maybe he'd decide to wear jeans and a t shirt instead of a dynamite vest and a turbin...altho on the other hand...if we forced them to bathe then we wouldn't be able to spot the towel headed terrorists until they were flyin planes. As for Greece and it's unbathed population of feta cheese munchin mediterranean midgets...I don't see what the big deal is...there can't be too many terrorists runnin around the Pantheon prayin to Allah...aside from Xerxes nobody has even thought of invading this little island nation...apparently because the drivers there are too clean and well dressed...not because there isn't a single thing worth having on that island...save maybe ouzo...and I'm pretty damn sure we can make that shit in some other part of the world if we absolutely have to...personally I don't give a shit what you wear when you're out drivin around...or if it's clean...my primary concern is whether or not you possess the mental capacity to operate that damn thing efficiently...clean clothes and a bath doesn't make you a good driver...some of the very people I know wouldn't be good drivers if they were decked out in a 3 piece suit and had rose petals streamin out of their asses...lol!!!
Oops! No more running to the grocery store in sweats!!
Aren't they still runnin around in a horse drawn cart...who the hell needs a license for that? Now a place where that law would come in handy is a little closer to home...you enact that law in New York City...or Washington D.C. and you could probably settle the National debt thru the issuance of citations...most of those cabbies wear the same goat herdin garb they washed up on shore with...maybe if old Abdullah bin Hamzid al Shabazz had to wash his damn clothes once in awhile he wouldn't be so upset with the infidels in America...he wouldn't hafta run around smellin like camel cum and goat shit...and maybe he'd decide to wear jeans and a t shirt instead of a dynamite vest and a turbin...altho on the other hand...if we forced them to bathe then we wouldn't be able to spot the towel headed terrorists until they were flyin planes. As for Greece and it's unbathed population of feta cheese munchin mediterranean midgets...I don't see what the big deal is...there can't be too many terrorists runnin around the Pantheon prayin to Allah...aside from Xerxes nobody has even thought of invading this little island nation...apparently because the drivers there are too clean and well dressed...not because there isn't a single thing worth having on that island...save maybe ouzo...and I'm pretty damn sure we can make that shit in some other part of the world if we absolutely have to...personally I don't give a shit what you wear when you're out drivin around...or if it's clean...my primary concern is whether or not you possess the mental capacity to operate that damn thing efficiently...clean clothes and a bath doesn't make you a good driver...some of the very people I know wouldn't be good drivers if they were decked out in a 3 piece suit and had rose petals streamin out of their asses...lol!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
11/02/2011
According to Scientific American magazine: if you live in the northern hemisphere, odds are that every time you fill your lungs with air, at least one molecule of that air once passed through Socrates lungs.
And, God knows who else!!
Excellent!!! Now after all these years I have actual proof that all those years of school were for naught... that or the aforementioned magazine...Scientific American is written and staffed by an assload of people who never attended a science class in their life. What is one of the first things we are taught about our earths atmosphere...that it is made up of...OXYGEN...air...one of the basic elements needed to sustain life on this rock full of Rain Men...people breathe in what...OXYGEN...air...and exhale what class??? A) Molecular Socratecal Sputum...B) Water...or C) Carbon Dioxide...that's right Carbon Dioxide...which as we all know is...harmful to humans...making it physically impossible for your northern hemispherical humanoid lifeform to fill your lungs with air once shared by a Greek philosopher from some couple thousand years ago...unless of course you're vegetarian...that hybrid human lifeform...half plant half meat...capable of completing the carbon cycle and emitting your own little oxygen factory...I mean seriously...if our Scientific community actually ok'ed the printing of this misleading information we are in for a rude awakening...even if it were possible for Socrates to inhale and exhale air without it changing into Carbon Dioxide...do you know how remote the possibility is that you breathed in a molecule of shared air...its about as likely as your ugly ass ending up naked in a jacuzzi with the entire Swedish Bikini Team...if you live in the northern hemisphere...especially the United States of America...your ass has a better chance of having eaten a fish that has swam thru my urine...because unlike Socrates who according to modern science has shared air with everyone...I...relying on recollections of fact rather than the hypothesis of some Ivy League Idgit...can confirm that I have relieved myself in numerous streams... creeks...rivers...and lakes all across this country...what a buncha morons...these are the same geniuses who have figured out that time stops inside a black hole remember...the definition of science oughtta be...dumbass theories and shit we made up to explain things we couldn't possibly no the answer to until the real answer makes itself known...everytime ya turn around these jackasses are rewriting something they took as fact...spent countless years and billions of dollars proving only to have it challenged... disproved...even shit on before they admit they really hadn't a fuckin clue...they were just guessing and hoping for the best!!! Politicians...Lawyers...Doctors...Scientists...and the Weeble Wobbles from Wendy's Drive thru Window...5 career fields I wouldn't waste money gettin into...buncha dumbass dumpster divin for new info crackheads anyway!!!
And, God knows who else!!
Excellent!!! Now after all these years I have actual proof that all those years of school were for naught... that or the aforementioned magazine...Scientific American is written and staffed by an assload of people who never attended a science class in their life. What is one of the first things we are taught about our earths atmosphere...that it is made up of...OXYGEN...air...one of the basic elements needed to sustain life on this rock full of Rain Men...people breathe in what...OXYGEN...air...and exhale what class??? A) Molecular Socratecal Sputum...B) Water...or C) Carbon Dioxide...that's right Carbon Dioxide...which as we all know is...harmful to humans...making it physically impossible for your northern hemispherical humanoid lifeform to fill your lungs with air once shared by a Greek philosopher from some couple thousand years ago...unless of course you're vegetarian...that hybrid human lifeform...half plant half meat...capable of completing the carbon cycle and emitting your own little oxygen factory...I mean seriously...if our Scientific community actually ok'ed the printing of this misleading information we are in for a rude awakening...even if it were possible for Socrates to inhale and exhale air without it changing into Carbon Dioxide...do you know how remote the possibility is that you breathed in a molecule of shared air...its about as likely as your ugly ass ending up naked in a jacuzzi with the entire Swedish Bikini Team...if you live in the northern hemisphere...especially the United States of America...your ass has a better chance of having eaten a fish that has swam thru my urine...because unlike Socrates who according to modern science has shared air with everyone...I...relying on recollections of fact rather than the hypothesis of some Ivy League Idgit...can confirm that I have relieved myself in numerous streams... creeks...rivers...and lakes all across this country...what a buncha morons...these are the same geniuses who have figured out that time stops inside a black hole remember...the definition of science oughtta be...dumbass theories and shit we made up to explain things we couldn't possibly no the answer to until the real answer makes itself known...everytime ya turn around these jackasses are rewriting something they took as fact...spent countless years and billions of dollars proving only to have it challenged... disproved...even shit on before they admit they really hadn't a fuckin clue...they were just guessing and hoping for the best!!! Politicians...Lawyers...Doctors...Scientists...and the Weeble Wobbles from Wendy's Drive thru Window...5 career fields I wouldn't waste money gettin into...buncha dumbass dumpster divin for new info crackheads anyway!!!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
11/01/11
If you earn twenty thousand dollars a year, one minute of your time is worth a little more than seventeen cents.
That much huh??
That's absolutely amazing isn't it...here is a little more of the math equation used to figure this little tidbit out...and btw it actually comes out to 16 cents a minute...but who's gonna argue over a penny...you will if you're smart...in order for that to calculate out...and individual would hafta make $9.62 an hour...that's a whole $2.22 an hour more than the minimum wage in the state of Michigan...which is $7.40 an hour...or using the same formula...12 cents a minute...$7.40 an hour translates to roughly $5.33 an hour after taxes...or roughly 8 cents a minute...that's pretty pathetic if you ask me...the average person...which according to some bloated statistics collected and stored by some money grubbin political blowhard...average means 90% of Americans...spends (wastes apparently) 12 years of their life in school learning all the things the government wants you to learn in order to keep your ass comfortably in line...to turn a mind boggling profit of 8 cents a minute...and yet here we are living in a country that preaches the equality of all men...really??? Some of you might say..."But wait...Kevin...are you trying to say that all people in this country aren't treated equally??? That can't be true for we are all given the same opportunities in life to succeed" If you honestly believe that bullshit...stop reading right now...take a deep breath and hold it...I'll tell ya when to let it out...you have obviously consumed your alloted amount of air on this planet...keep holdin it in there old blueface...You don't make money in this country unless you're born into it...the gap between the classes has grown wider and deeper than even the Valles Marineris... how is that possible??? Well it starts off with corruption...rich people hire lobbyists to tempt political figures such as Senators and Congressmen to pass certain bills...bills are wannabee laws...with so many damn riders attached it looks like an overcrowded trolley on a San Francisco street...these laws are voted on and often passed without so much as a thought to any of the riders on said bill...these riders more often than not have an affect on the lower and middle classes but don't even come close to disrupting the upper class...widening the gap...Congress and the Senate have become privvy to this widening of the gap...are directly responsible for its creation and continued growth...and they like the view from the higher side...which is why they vote themselves a pay raise...lifelong benefits...extensive retirement packages...you name it...and where does the money come from to pay these bastards...that's right out of our pockets...these sonsabitches don't even have a figure head that leads them...no owner per se...no CEO...the American people are the ones footin the bill for these fuckwads...You and I should be in charge of what they get paid...if they get benefits...or a retirement package...what this fucked up country needs is a Second Civil War...not so much an actual cannonball and musket...blood and guts battle...but a strong anti government movement...you know like they had in the 60's...it needs people to organize...band together...take over one state at a time and secede from a failed Union...it's the only way to disband a failed entity like the Federal Government...sounds far fetched...maybe a little out in left field...I can guarantee you that the first state to secede from this Union...abolish all Federally mandated laws...operate it's own government with its citizens in mind first and foremost...will triple in population within a month...creating so many jobs that before they can all be filled the population will again double...creating a domino effect in the other remaining states who will take note of these proceedings and race thru the secession process in order to keep some of its own fleeing citizens!!! The problem is most citizens haven't the means to stand up and resist an oppresive government like we have in this country...because all those fuckin riders on the bills that have been passed make it ever increasingly difficult to exercise our Constitutional rights...let alone our birth rights...and the world spins round and round...and the rich get richer...and my ass hairs get more and more knotted...LOL...have a great day!!!
That much huh??
That's absolutely amazing isn't it...here is a little more of the math equation used to figure this little tidbit out...and btw it actually comes out to 16 cents a minute...but who's gonna argue over a penny...you will if you're smart...in order for that to calculate out...and individual would hafta make $9.62 an hour...that's a whole $2.22 an hour more than the minimum wage in the state of Michigan...which is $7.40 an hour...or using the same formula...12 cents a minute...$7.40 an hour translates to roughly $5.33 an hour after taxes...or roughly 8 cents a minute...that's pretty pathetic if you ask me...the average person...which according to some bloated statistics collected and stored by some money grubbin political blowhard...average means 90% of Americans...spends (wastes apparently) 12 years of their life in school learning all the things the government wants you to learn in order to keep your ass comfortably in line...to turn a mind boggling profit of 8 cents a minute...and yet here we are living in a country that preaches the equality of all men...really??? Some of you might say..."But wait...Kevin...are you trying to say that all people in this country aren't treated equally??? That can't be true for we are all given the same opportunities in life to succeed" If you honestly believe that bullshit...stop reading right now...take a deep breath and hold it...I'll tell ya when to let it out...you have obviously consumed your alloted amount of air on this planet...keep holdin it in there old blueface...You don't make money in this country unless you're born into it...the gap between the classes has grown wider and deeper than even the Valles Marineris... how is that possible??? Well it starts off with corruption...rich people hire lobbyists to tempt political figures such as Senators and Congressmen to pass certain bills...bills are wannabee laws...with so many damn riders attached it looks like an overcrowded trolley on a San Francisco street...these laws are voted on and often passed without so much as a thought to any of the riders on said bill...these riders more often than not have an affect on the lower and middle classes but don't even come close to disrupting the upper class...widening the gap...Congress and the Senate have become privvy to this widening of the gap...are directly responsible for its creation and continued growth...and they like the view from the higher side...which is why they vote themselves a pay raise...lifelong benefits...extensive retirement packages...you name it...and where does the money come from to pay these bastards...that's right out of our pockets...these sonsabitches don't even have a figure head that leads them...no owner per se...no CEO...the American people are the ones footin the bill for these fuckwads...You and I should be in charge of what they get paid...if they get benefits...or a retirement package...what this fucked up country needs is a Second Civil War...not so much an actual cannonball and musket...blood and guts battle...but a strong anti government movement...you know like they had in the 60's...it needs people to organize...band together...take over one state at a time and secede from a failed Union...it's the only way to disband a failed entity like the Federal Government...sounds far fetched...maybe a little out in left field...I can guarantee you that the first state to secede from this Union...abolish all Federally mandated laws...operate it's own government with its citizens in mind first and foremost...will triple in population within a month...creating so many jobs that before they can all be filled the population will again double...creating a domino effect in the other remaining states who will take note of these proceedings and race thru the secession process in order to keep some of its own fleeing citizens!!! The problem is most citizens haven't the means to stand up and resist an oppresive government like we have in this country...because all those fuckin riders on the bills that have been passed make it ever increasingly difficult to exercise our Constitutional rights...let alone our birth rights...and the world spins round and round...and the rich get richer...and my ass hairs get more and more knotted...LOL...have a great day!!!
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