10/31/2011

Racehorses have been known to wear out new shoes in one race!

Interesting...racehorses are like some people I know...who wear out my patience in less time than it would take a racehorse to complete a lap.   Honestly tho...this is a somewhat misleading statement...not false...just not complete in its divulgence of related information...kinda like the government wrote it...it sounds like somethin Dubya would say in the middle of an address..."People of America,  since my Presidency has ended, eh huh, uh, uh,  there have been um, huh, Racehorse have been known to wear out new shoes in one race, but uh, there haven't been any, um eh, uh, WMD found in uh, um, Iran...I mean Iraq"  Interestingly enough the basic info contained in the tidbit can be verified...however what they fail to mention is that racing horseshoes are not the same as regular horseshoes...high-heeled horseshoes...work horseshoes...or Sunday worship horseshoes.  racing horseshoes as one might expect are made of different materials...space age polymers...light weight alloys...the lighter the shoe...the quicker the horse...or so the theory goes.  I dare say your prize blue ribbon pony wouldn't even make it around the track if they were fitted with Clydesdale Clodhoppers.  Horseshoes never really made sense to me...where did horses come from originally??  The Mall??  No they came from the wilderness...they are wild untamed animals...like cows...oxen...or any other beast of burden...why is the horse the only animal we see fir to shoe???  There aren't any cowshoes...oxshoes...donkeyshoes...only horseshoes...and what did these poor animals do prior to being captured by humans...don't tell me they ran around freely...across the Great Plains... frollicking.. .playing...grazing...without any shoes on their feet...my god that's ridiculous...who ever heard of such a thing...my dog doesn't wear shoes...my cat doesn't complain about cold feet...did anybody ask these poor animals if they even wanted shoes???  This brings me to another related point.  I was watching a show the other night on NGC or History where these animal rights activists were going apeshit over the cruel and inhumane way the villagers of this Nordic island somewhere up around iceland, would drive pods of pilot whales into shore where the rest of the community waited with hooks...grabbed them thru the blowhole and beached them...slaughtering them for meat...because the islands they live on aren't fertile enough to provide much in the way of vegetation or farm animals...so these activists decided they should get involved and try and do something to protect these helpless animals...when asked why they felt it necessary to interfere these fuckin genuises gave this as their primary reason...Because animals are living breathing creatures...and as such should be provided with the same rights we as humans have come to expect...life...liberty...without cruel and unusual punishment...they should not be made to suffer...we as humans should be outraged and do whatever is necessary to ensure these creatures aren't needlessly slaughtered...NEWS FLASH...these creatures are just as guilty of cruel and unusual punishment...as you put it...ever watched a pod of whales hunt food...they circle a school of fish...THEIR FOOD SOURCE...group it into a ball and drive it up to the surface where they then feast until that school of fish are gone...ever watched big cats hunt...they chase down and slaughter the WEAKEST four legged morsel of flesh they can find...I'll stop eating cows...pigs...chickens...sheep...when you ignorant bastards find me a plant made out of MEAT...these people are STUPID to say the least...their argument doesn't hold water...personally I don't care for failed International programs like PETA...buncha damn plant eaters anyway...I have my own message for PETA...I won't shove my views and ideas down their throats as long as they don't try to shove salad down mine!!  I'm gonna eat red meat...fish...chicken and pork...until you PETAtions teach these poor animals to shoot back...can you imagine if all we had to eat was plants and had to wait around for animals to die naturally...scavenging the carcass like a buncha vultures?   So horseshoes shmorshoes...I say let the damn things run around barefoot...seems to work just fine for them in the wild!!!

That's All I got to say about that!!!

Silly Faggot...Dicks are for Chicks!!!

My Video Animation of the Republican Presidential Debate!!!

 http://goanimate.com/movie/0t2MOyZpTWlE?utm_source=linkshare  this is a link to a video I created on goanimate.com you may hafta copy and paste the link into your browser.  I hope you're able to view...share...and as always...ENJOY!!!

Herman Cain

Here recently a new face and voice has emerged as a candidate for the Republican Presidential Nominee...one Mr. Herman Cain...who as some of you may already know is the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza...a nationally known CORPORATION...which as has been well documented throughout history...sucks the life out of economic growth for each and every personal entreprenuer...small business owner...and tax paying low to middle income family in our country...what Mr. Cain has is NO different from any past...present...or future candidate/nominee for the office of President...a horrorifically misguided catchphrase that is fueled by politically motivated mass media...now 90% of the population in America are presented with a new tax plan to consider...Mr. Cain's 9-9-9 flat tax plan...'What the hell is that?' you might be wondering...and in the famous words of some sci fi movie I vaguely remember..."You Are Not Alone"...when the Godfather Pizza Guru/Wannabe White House Hopeful has been asked to explain in detail the effects his highly touted tax plan will have on the American people and economy his response has never varied from the...'Look the other way while we ass ram another failed idea up the poop chute of every self proclaimed patriot' response of..."run the 'rithmetic"...this poses 2 significant problems...1) the 90% of Americans this tax plan will adversely affect will do...a) Absolutely nothing...b) Stand on the sidelines where they've grown comfortable and complacent...c)Stare blankly @ their empty pocketbooks while wondering how such a travesty was allowed to be committed...or d) bitch, moan, groan and complain endlessly...and had they taken action when it was possible...needlessly for the 4 years of his term waiting patiently for the next hot air ass bag to announce their intentions to run for President and rectify the now fuckification (that's an off camera Dubyaism) of America the Butterface...no longer Beautiful...our country will then carry the connotation of a hot chick you see at the bar from behind..."Nice Body...Butt 'er Face"...the 2nd significant problem with the 'run the 'rithmetic' rhetoric...is that with the Republican Party's obsessive attempts to ruin education in this country...not one of the 90% who will be affected will have the wherewithall or the tools to 'run the 'rithmetic' as Mr. Cain requests.  Herman the Hungry has taken an all too familiar advertising tactic and applied it to his new tax plan in an effort to obtain the same results Corporations hope for when they roll out a new product...having been in sales...and having used and abused this tactic several times myself I am all too aware of what's in store...grab a Godfather's Menu...if you happen to have one of these handy...if not that's okay...any old menu will do...doesn't even hafta involve pizza...now open that menu...how many items can you find with a listed price ending in double zeroes...such as $5.00...or $12.00...if I know what I'm talking about...my guess is you won't find a single one...they all end in what???  I KNOW...I KNOW...OH..OH...PICK ME!!!  They end in double 9's...for example...$4.99...or $11.99...why do they do this???  Well the answer is simple...zeroes trigger the conditioned human mind to view the prospect of making the purchase...NOW...rather than wait for a more affordable time...think it doesn't work...let me into your house with a product I believe in...when I'm thru with you you'll have written a check...felt good about making the purchase ...without so much as realizing that the product I presented you with...demonstrated to you...and offered to you at the unbelieveable rock bottom price of $2,399.99...was something you more than likely wanted...probably had thought of buying at one time or another...couldn't afford at the present moment...wanted to invest in at a later more appropriate time...blah..blah...blah...and guess what???  I'm shaking your hand...congratulating you on making a wise decision...thanking you for your patronage...smilin at you...your wife...your kids...patting your obnoxious nut sniffin, drool bucket, four legged, fur bearing, house pet as I exit your domicile with a signed check...credit card receipt...loan contract for the purchase...ultimately who benefits from this transaction more???   The consumer???  EHHNT...wrong answer...The Salesperson???...that's strike 2 Johnny...the pitcher is ahead in the count...Or the Corporation that produced the product...advertised the product...and continues to make a profit everytime a unit is sold???  DING! DING! DING!  What's he win Carl???  An all expenses paid trip to the poor farm...complete with cash hoarding Congressmen...Corrupt Corporate Law...and the bitter taste most commonly associated with the anal bleeding after effects of prison rape!!!   Wake up America...Mr. Cain's 9-9-9 flat tax plan is the direct equivalent of Godfather's offering a medium pizza @ large pizza prices...at first glance you might mistakenly believe you got the better deal...in hindsight you're gonna be fighting with family members over the last piece because there wasn't enough to go around!!!  Here's another way you can test my theory...I do this all the time...mostly because I'm on a shoestring budget...for those of you who are unfamiliar with that term it means...my ass can hardly afford shoestrings...anyway...next time you go grocery shopping pay extra special attention to the items you purchase...take specific note of the items you buy unnecessarily (items not on your shopping list)...determine what triggered you to toss them into your cart...I'll bet dollars to donuts there was a sales tag involved...for instance...I'm standing in the bread aisle...scanning the rack for a loaf of bread...I'm not particular...bread is bread...the packaging is different...product...basically the same...my eye catches the displayed sales tags...which are always what class???   More prominent...Bigger...and Bolder...drawing your attention from all other similarly displayed products...the sales sticker I'm lookin at says 2/$4...Immediately the human brain does the simple math and almost screams echoes in your head...WOW WHAT AN UNBELIEVEABLE DEAL...this company's bread is normally $2.79 a loaf...so I'm saving $1.59 if I buy these 2 loaves of bread TODAY!!!   Here's where every American needs to resist with malice the "Urge to Splurge" as I call it...the overpowering desire to place said items in the cart and continue on to the checkout counter...and here's why...if you take 5 seconds to peel your gaze off the sales tag...and scan left to right...up and down...9 times out of 10 you'll find other loaves of bread...from different companies...displayed along the shelves...now glance @ the smaller tags associated with these "Off sale" similar products...what you will notice is that Brand 'B' bread is sold at an every day price of $1.49 a loaf...that's a total of $2.98...$1.02 cheaper than the advertised sale price of Brand "A"  bread...now some of you may be particular in your loyalty to specific brands...and to those people I say..."Wasting money has obviously been a time honored tradition in your family since before you tossed away thousands at a school of higher learning, therefore you should be condemned with overexpenditure for your assinine excesses"  More often than not Brand 'B' bread is made by the same company as Brand 'A' bread...it's just packaged under a different name and company logo...the parent company has elected to dupe you by purchasing the smaller company and keeping the name intact..."Oh Hogwash Henry...that can't be true...what proof do you have to back this up?"  Here is a shining example from the cell phone world...Verizon sells prepaid phones and offers talk and text packages for those phones starting @ 'X' amount of dollars...X being Greater than or equal to 'Y'...Wal-mart sells these same prepaid cell phone packages under the Verizon name...nothing wrong with that from a Corporate standpoint...more Points of Sale results in...More profit for said company...however Wal-Mart also sells an off brand of prepaid phones for cheaper...along with cheaper talk and text plans...under the brand name "Straight Talk"...which is A) An entity in the cellular communication world all it's own???  B) Something you NEVER get from a person with political aspirations??? or C) a subsidary of the parent company Verizon???  That's right folks...the answer is C...so altho the product offered under the parent company logo looks like a higher quality unit...the truth of the matter is regardless of which product you take to the check out counter...the end result is the same...behind the scenes the Corporate monster continues to chew thru your pocket change...gobbling up more of your money thru the loopholes allowed in the Truth in Advertising fiasco...so before you go casting your lot with a 9-9-9 flat tax frontman...consider for a moment if this item is right for you...or if it's a genuisly disguised 'grab the money and run before the 'rithmetic gets figured out' program concocted by an individual so far out of touch with mainstream America he couldn't find toilet paper if it were stuck to his ass!!!

Abominable Snowman...Obamanable Snowman...you make the call

Who knew the catchphrase "Change we can believe in" referred to the coins in your pocket!!!

Abomination...Obamanation...you decide

10/28/2011

Men walk from their knees...Women walk from their hips!

Okay...Idk...maybe this is just getting too easy...I'm curious...did this little tidbit fall from space like Newton's apple...is it put forth by some self appointed biology savant with more letters following their name than in it...what kinda fermented grape gobbler came up with this...one can see how it could be considered that our species walks  from the knee...it bends noticeably during the walking process...as does the hip...however if a person of female gender only walks from the hip wouldn't half the population stumble around lookin like a buncha Brides of Frankenberry???  A whole gender of brace legged bimbo's who look like a flock of Forrest Gump's Floozies...There's alot more that goes into the function and process of walking...hips...knees...ankles...toes... not too mention motivation...I can't imagine a healthy female being constrained to walking strictly from the hips...let alone one who is pregnant...with twins...double the horror...double the hell...end up lookin like a female version of the Michelin Man and Stay-Puf the Marshmallow Maiden...can you imagine the consequences of this being factual...cheerleaders would look like blonde haired...blue eyed...goosesteppin'...Nazi lawn gnomes...hell even prostitution would be a non issue...can you imagine Vegas crowded with lock legged ladies of the night...tryin to earn a buck...loitering around in a cluster...stumblin down the Strip like Sisters of the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz...you wouldn't need stirrups in the Delivery Room...they'd be replaced by contraptions that resemble bar spreaders...and if that weren't bad enough...findja a nice chica with a back problem and an appetite...you think the T-Rex from Jurassic Park was scary...unleash this beast some Saturday @ a mall in Japan...the natives will run helter skelter from the front doors...screams of "Godzirra" will be heard all the way to China!!!  You know how I know this little tidbit is false???  If women walked strictly from the hips...they'd have no voice...men would be able to run at twice the speed of bitching...making speech by the female gender null and void!!!  LOL!!!

10/27/2011

If a statue of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

And if it's just a statue with no horse????

Really???  So where are all the statues at Arlington National Cemetary???  I mean given this little tidbit of information one would be safe in assuming there would be more than a stable full of statues depicting the fallen in various poses with said horse...no???  No horses???  Where's George S. Patton's horse statue???  Oh that's right...there isn't a horse statue erected for arguably the greatest general of the last century...why???  Because statues aren't erected for people assassinated by their own government!  Not too mention that most statues are of people deified by either the sculptor or by the people who commission the sculptor.  Take for instance probably the biggest commissioned sculpture/statue of all time...Mt. Rushmore...4 Presidents...former slave owners...all proponents of Manifest Destiny...the concept that the United States should continue to expend at the cost of driving all native inhabitants from the land they want...or forcing them to live under the occupying regimes set of laws...sculpted by Gutzon Borglum...'Who the fuck is that?'  you might ask...and so would I...if I didn't already tell ya...he was the sculptor commissioned by Congress to deify the aforementioned Presidents on the face of a mountain right in the middle of the Sioux nation...but why is Mr. Borglum's identity important...probably because he was an active member of the K.K.K....'Oh, C'mon'...you're probably saying...do some research...personally I don't much care for statues of people...95% of the time I'm like the pigeon...I'd just as soon shit on it as look at it...to me it isn't an art form...it's idol worship...normally of a person who has been misidentified as a hero to the people...history gets muddled and millions of tourists will pop by just to say they've been...they have no idea what the intention of the statue is...or why it was created.  And quite honestly...all of the graveyards I've visited are filled with more headstones than horse sculptures...which would lead one to believe not a soul buried within ever even fought in battle...these people don't get a horse sculpture for their service to country...for making the ultimate sacrifice of giving their life in battle...no...in order for a sculpture of your dead ass riding a horse you hafta do something really courageous...like lead 10,000 troops to a battlefield...command them to attack while you sit on a steed on a hilltop overlooking the carnage of your troops getting slaughtered in the fight below...they end up dying in battle...or from battle wounds because they get hit by an errant exploding cannonball...not because they are in line with their troops leading the charge!  How about next time we commission a sculpture of someone who died in battle...it's of a troop hobbling outta the desert on one leg...half an arm missing...the left eye socket oozing some fluid from where the eye used to be...struggling to drag the bloody dismembered body of his fallen comrade to safety...those are the real heroes...not some loud mouthed...assbag general who sits in an airconditioned structure hundreds of miles from the engagement barking orders his little political puppetted ass is issued from another buncha hypocrites sittin in Washington D.C. !!!

Strange Law Archive

In 1845, Boston had an ordinance banning bathing unless you had a doctor's prescription.

Oddly enough bathing was conducted in the same harbor that the now famous Tea Party was held...and I'll bet if I check my facts...or just make a few up...I'll find that this was the same time that Samuel Adams began brewing and bottling beer...using water from???  That's right the famous Tea Party harbor...and thus was the creation of the first political lobbyist...and the formation of the notion that big business (corporations as they'd be called in the future) could muscle around and influence government simply by tossing around money during an election year!  Now if we look a little harder I'm sure we'll find that there were probably a total of 1 doctor in Boston during 1845...it being a young upstart city at the time...and that said Dr was bribed with free Boston lager to keep people from acquiring bathing prescriptions...thereby creating a collective conscience that musta been screaming for a deodorant...anything to hide the smell of dead skunk anus that had to be permeating from every house on the Common...Samuel Adams being the first brewer of Boston was then able to market his beer as an alcoholic aphrodisiac capable of clouding the senses enough to allow people to stomach the presence of their neighbors...as well as enabling single Bostonians the pleasure of experiencing a new sexual position dubbed 'piggy style'...while offering the plausible deniability of memory lapse (blackout)...the whole process doubled the sale of beer in Boston...increased the production of illigetimate children...and began the tree huggin Save the Planet movement...and kept Boston Harbor from being polluted with testicle tainted tea water.  Of course I could be completely off my rocker...and the whole bathing prescription baloney could have been caused by the simple fact that Boston...like all other cities in the original 13 colonies was settled by European escape artists...people who no longer wanted to be ruled over by a Royal family...people who...to this day seldom bathe on a daily basis...people who continue...in certain parts of Europe...to bathe in public...on the streets...once a week whether they need it or not...therefore it is entirely possible that Bostonians were simply looking for an excuse to bring with them one thing that had been passed down thru generations back in the old country...a fear of soap and water...razors...personal hygiene...you know...the kinda things that would signal to other early colonial upstart cities that Boston was becoming more cosmopolitan!   Boston...founder of beer...bums...and Yolanda the Unibrow Yeti...every Red sox fans dream date...a chick so hairy she can hang with the guys!!!   

10/25/2011

In July 1934 Babe Ruth paid a fan $20 for the return of the baseball he hit for his 700th career home run.

Can you even imagine?  PRICELESS!

Yeah...can you imagine...George 'Babe' Ruth was a well known all night party goer...who often played with a hangover...the fact that he had $20 in his pocket is almost unbelieveable...does anybody know what happened to that 700th homerun ball that the Babe deemed important enough to forego his bottle of scotch after the game and but it from what was probably a fan with an alcohol problem himself...no...nobody...that's right...and if ya thought I was gonna Google your ass an answer...quit bein lazy...thats what George woulda wanted...no I'm not even the least bit interested in what happened to that ball...for 2 reasons...number 1) Babe ended his career with 714 homeruns...which means that number 700 is a milestone...but not a money maker...and number 2)  Because Hank Aaron broke that record years later...thereby making even number 714 a little less significant...baseball memorabilia has been significantly tarnished here lately what with the Decade of Dopers MLB just endured...personally I don't get the complaint about using steroids...if these guys wanna take that junk...grow 3 times the size of a normal human being in a single off season...come back with a huge, flat, billboard type forehead than so be it...I think its good for the game personally...baseball was a little more fun to watch...steroids had me watchin teams and games that I otherwise wouldn't have even cared about...Mark McGwire...and then Barry Bonds...altho it should be noted both players deny the use of banned substances like steroids...here's a little food for thought...Google a pic of Mark and Barry's rookie cards...you will undoubtedly notice a couple of skinny kids who look like they would fight a stray dog over a trash can meal...google a pic of them now...that's right...the Behemoth's of baseball would have you believe they just grew that way thru proper diet and weight training...BULLSHIT!!!  You don't think Babe Ruth woulda taken performance enhancing drugs back in his day had they been available...baseball is one of the dullest things to watch on TV...except during the playoffs and World Series...when steroids were present you had people like me watching the Cardinals and Giants games just to see if one of those 2 guys was gonna knock the skin off the ball...there were people who would sit out in the Bay outside Candlestick Park waiting for a Barry Bonds hit homerun...don't see that nowadays do ya...nope...it's gone back to dull and boring...here and there somebody takes a poke @ a 50 HR season...(SNORE)...its highly doubtful we'll ever see a player come close to that magical number of 70+ again...BRING BACK THE ROIDS I say...make me somewhat interested in watching a regular season meaningless game again!!!

On a side note Obama has announced that all US troops will be out of Iraq by the end of the year...you will undoubtedly have heard by now what a disaster the Republicans think this exit strategy is...what a horrible horrible mistake this is by our President...I even heard one of these assbags declare that Obama had fumbled the ball inside the 10 yard line...NEWSFLASH:  In 2006 during a joint statement in Iraq...in which a disgruntled Iraqi citizen actually threw his shoe at then President Dumbya...old Georgie himself set benchmarks for the war in Iraq...and signed an agreement in which it was stipulated and mandated that all US troops would be out of...and off of Iraq soil by DEC. 31st 2011...it would seem his own party has since forgotten this much heralded plan...and look to lay blame at someone elses feet...I may not know much about Obama...but from what I have seen I would say his war strategy is a helluva lot more effective than a decades long occupation of not one but 2 countries while conducting a Most Wanted manhunt for Osama...btw which one of the Seal Team Six members got that 50 million dollar bounty...Obama's war strategy is apparently not sitting well with the Republicans...it's too un American to spend a couple days launching strategic air strikes...toppling a terrorist regime without committing billions of dollars and sending thousands of ground forces to occupy the country in question.  And who the fuck does this guy Karzai in Afghanistan think he is...didn't we put this poppy seed suckin, cave dwellin, camel jockey in the position of power...nw he says that if Pakistan is invaded by the USA and the people of Pakistan need help...Afghanistan will come to their aid...HEY DUMBASS we're leaving IRAQ...nobody sand anything about vacating your little sandbox...it's not too early to decapitate this little washcloth before he becomes a full grown and full blown Towlie...I think it's about time for Afghanistan to start teaching their children some World History...which thanks to the USA isn't being spoken in Russian!!!

10/24/2011

Golf was banned in England in 1457 because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery.

Good Lord!!  They were playing golf in 1457???

I don't find it quite as hard to believe that they were playing golf in 1457...but rather that they took archery seriously...but of course this is England we're talking about...a breed of people with a sense of humor 2nd to none...if it were any drier it'd be a desert...here's the problem...I have done both...shot a bow and arrow...and played golf...alot more golf than archery in all honesty...and I dare say golf requires a bit more of a serious pursuit than archery to master...it doesn't take alot of physical conditioning and practice to conquer the complexities of the bow and arrow...you slide the little notch on the back of the arrow into the little string thing of the bow...you pull the string thing and the arrow back as far as you can...look down the sight to the target and release the damn arrow...if you miss the target...repeat the above steps...adjust aim...and Ta-Da...eventually...depending on your level of education...you will hit the target...hell people have taken the oh so difficult sport of archery and raised the difficulty thru the added inventions of trickery...blindfolds are even used to make this mundane exercise seem somehow dangerous...try blindfolding a golfer and getting them to land a ball on a green anywhere near the damn hole...not quite so easy is it...William Tell didn't take a whack at a golf ball to knock the apple off his son's head now did he???  Hell no!!!  Because if he had...chances are 99.99% certain his kid woulda been walkin around with a dimpled white ball lodged in an eye socket...no siree golf is not the type of serious pursuit you'd want to take chances doin trick shots with...as a matter of fact the only person in the history of golf who seemingly mastered golf and all of its intracacies to the point of skillfully attending the notions of trick shots...was Kevin Costner in the movie Tin Cup...archery...a more serious pursuit than golf...leave it to the English to speculate what's gonna be a big hit and what's not...fox hunting...another huge hit...soccer...really...this is a game in need of a serious overhaul...add a few Lions on chains...sprung from hidden underground chambers...and soccer gets some much needed Gladiator type respect...no my dear friends the English wouldn't know a serious pursuit if it came in the form of a month long Blitzkreig...unless of course you make hiding in underground subways waiting for the Americans (a group of people which includes ancestors from England who couldn't stand it's political view or it's Monarchy, so much so they left and kicked your ass when you tried to come rein them back into the realm) to come save your sorry stodgy asses!!!  Maybe if their little archery experts had been a little more serious in their pursuit they coulda won a battle that mattered...now their only hope is to field somebody gifted enough in their serious pursuit of golf to keep an outsider from winning the British Open!!!  Archery...a serious pursuit...didn't work out so well for the British...or the Native Americans...apparently golf and casino building woulda been the better options when considering serious pursuits!!!

Sunday Evening Wrap Up

Tonight...I bring to you things that made me smile today...the Lions of the NFL decided to show up this afternoon and play football the way Detroit area fans are accustomed too...losing to a buncha no-name, wish we had an ex convict, dogfighter for quarterback...thereby taking an oh so necessary step in correcting the NFC Standings...ending the day @ 5-2...all I ask is for the remainder of the season they play like they did today...some teams are just destined to be pitiful FOR E-V-E-R!!!  With any luck the Lions will finish the season 5-11...solidifying my belief that the Mayan calendar isn't some Doomsday clock slowly ticking off the hours...but is in fact an ancient time keeping device closing in on the moment it resets and starts the long count AGAIN!!!  The afternoon game between the Cowboys and Rams also made me smile...that or it was gas from the anxiety caused by waiting for Romo to find a way to lose yet another 'Gimme' game...is it just me or is Mr. Romo the closest scientific example that blackholes DO exist...they should nickname him Tony 'Texas Tornado' Romo...because 9 times outta 10 when he touches down on the gridiron...Total Disaster is imminent...I'm actually surprised that FEMA isn't present @ every game he plays in...don't get me wrong...I'm glad the Cowboys won...undoubtedly...but as even the New England Patriots can attest...there is ultimately only one game...and one win...that matters...and that is the Super Bowl...all games up to that point are insignificant...they are played in order to occupy time slots on National TV that would otherwise be consumed by dull...monotonous...heathenistic programs like the 700 Club...Billy Graham...Oral Roberts!!!  The final game this evening makes me smile too...the New orleans Saints face the Peytonless Colts...which by all account 0-6 presently...0-7 by tomorrow's printing of the Sports Section headlines...this impending defeat will do several things for football...it will enlighten some in the owner/coaching field to maximize their practices...and incorporate unknown players into the mix...nobody...especially the Colts want the Clipboard holding Kid to end up in a starting role before he understands that the shape of a football isn't just Stewie Griffins head...but also the thing you're gonna need to handle in order to make a living in this sport...it'll also have everyone in Indy selling Season tickets on e-bay...CHEAP...so if your favorite team is scheduled to play this buncha Peytonless Puppets this year you might wanna skip the rest of this and sign up for an e-bay acct and start bidding on a set of seats...and last but not least it should make the Lions bandwagon overcrowded...'How?'  You might ask...'the Lions lost today'...Lions fans are used to enduring slight glimmers of Hope...passing fancies of Promise...tidbits of Tossed Away talent...see Barry Sanders (Idk how that guy didn't quit and take up crocheting)  so NONE of their fans will jump off the bus...Detroit jumped out to an early start this season...which means that with an overall record of 5-2...All Lions fans are required to sing the praise of this pathetic Pride of players...@ least until their record falls to 5-4...at which time there will be another mass exodus of part time cheerleaders...and Monday Moanin Quarterbacks...with Indy's 7th consecutive loss however there should be a significant increase in the Lions fan base...it's amazing how that works...but trust me it will...and Indy's entire front office will publicly dent panic in the ranks...as behind the scenes...the players in the locker room will run around cell phones to ears instructing agents to waive the no trade clauses...forfeit contract bonuses...or offer to fuck a fatback, four eyed, flatulent elephant just to get outta Dodge before they end up a footnote in NFL history sharing an 0-16 record with the Lake Huron Hopeless Halfwits other wise known as the DEE Troit Lions...now some of you might think I am biased in my opinion of certain NFL teams and sit there scratching your heads wondering...'Would Kevin's rhetoric be the same had the Lions won today?'  Hell Yes...is the answer...for the most part...and only because I subscribe to the belief of Chaos and Order...one season of starting out 5-0...instilling grandiose support from lifelong fans (sufferers)...showing a peanut shells worth of promise that you are now ready to step up onto the pantheon of Gridiron Greats...does not wash away the absolute abomination of the last 5 decades...I say this in all sincerity...to each and every fan of Detroit area professional sports...do yourselves a favor and start following hockey...@ least the Wings have been collosal in the consistency department for over a decade...that's 10 years for all of you NOT on the above mentioned Mayan long count calendar...10+ straight years of making it to the playoffs...the promised land of all professional sports!!!

Saturday's Bushism of the day!!!

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."   Dubya

Apparently his "No Child Left Behind" program aims to put the youth of our country on the fast track to politicizationism...so that they too may one day confuse their parents and the entire English speaking world from a pulpit in Washington D.C.  I know if I were the most powerfulest man in the free world I would want the small people, from Kindergarten all the way up thru 3rd grade to learn how to read and understand words I made up while in office so that him or she could not only pass a literacy test but would also be able to addify and substract things in the field of mathematical number havin sentences!  Dubya's biggest problem with quotes and speeches is that he wasn't the beloved skipper of the N.Y. Yankees during a period of their heyday!  I haven't seen the English language get so systematically murdered since Yogi Berra started doing interviews!  I am actually surprised that Disney didn't throw a boatload of money at this idiot once he left office...can you imagine the financial windfall...the overnight upward swing of Disney on the stock market...tickets for  the Dopey...Dumbo...and Dubya show woulda fetched a pretty penny...probably enough to settle the National Defecit...this guy was in office for 8 years...and during that time not one person in his inner circle...tapped him on the shoulder...pulled him off to the side after one of his addresses...and said "Hey Georgie...that shit you're reading off the teleprompter...it sounds like a 2nd grader in West Virginia wrote that crap...either hire someone to write speeches who doesn't wear a bib...or just stare blankly into the camera...trust me the people of America, Americans, will think that you are studiously deep in thought...it'll be mindboggling...a side of you they've never seen before...you're ratings as President should double overnight and peak at around 23"...nope...those closest to old Dubya simply decided to let the old boy spin in the wind...if we as citizens go absolutely no other benefit from his 8 years in office...we can be forever grateful for the lifetime of material he left for us to use as fodder for pages on the weekend!!!

An To Ti

If you lock your knees while standing long enough, you will pass out.

So what you're sayin is that all that money people waste on alcohol daily wasn't necessary???  The bales and bales of marijuana smoked by people in the hopes of laughin themselves to sleep watchin old Sesame Street shows...none of that was necessary?  The money spent annually on sleeping medications...prescription strength Ambien...which not only causes a person to pass out, but will also cause some users to sleepdrive places...have not only suicidal thoughts...but also occassionally induces unconscious episodes of homicidal madness...all a person has to do is stand up and lock their knees...no prescription...no side effects...no hangovers...no munchies...what the hell???  Actually I've known about this since I was in my early teens, havin grown up in a military family...attending several parade field functions...usually about as exciting as attending a live game of leapfrog where the contestants are all quadraplegics...however...these functions can be somewhat entertaining if you turn them into a gambling situation...nothing is quite so funny as watching a group of soldiers all standing @ attention and finding that first fallout...most of the time they don't even sway...there might be a momentary head tilt...quite often tho they fall like a tree freshly cut...and after that first one goes...it can have sometimes have a Domino effect...course it's even funnier when you're standing right next to the person who passes out at formation...of course when I was in the military I didn't rely on an individuals tendency to lock knees during guardmount...preferring as it were to assist whenever the opportunity arose...the base I was stationed at was Minot AFB ND.  which had a nice little tag associated with it...considering it was over 15 miles from the nearest spot of civilization it was considered a remote base which meant military personnel were allowed to drink alcohol on base at the age of 18...which as one might guess provided a practical joker which enough ammunition to last an entire 4 years.  I took it upon myself to take all new guys to the NCO club and get them absolutely blind ass drunk and wasted the night before their first dress blues guardmount...passing out while standing at attention was the least of their worries from that point on...altho it often time helped the cause...I remember on one such evening not only did I get a poor young unsuspecting troop completely inebriated...I helped him stumble his ass back to his barracks room...and proceeded to assist the unconscious individual with the shaving requirements he would find necessary for the following days event...I gently removed just the left side of his mustache...and went a step further by removing just the right eyebrow...needless to say 'Erik' was extremely difficult to get out of bed the following day...he hurriedly dressed in his fresh pressed blues...and without so much as a glance in the mirror headed to work...I had gone ahead of Erik and informed all those attending to keep it under control and not laugh when he entered the building...as we all stood at attention while the Lt conducted inspection most of us were waiting for the events to unfold...needless to say when the Lt approached Erik and started chewing his ass for his appearance Erik naturally locked irhgt into full blown attention...and within what seemed a matter of moments...without so much as a courtesy callout of "Timber"...Erik fell like a Redwood thru the forest...taking out anything and everything in his way...including 2 others who cascaded into the adjoining hall and toppling a small desk and chair!!!  It should go without saying that consequences were doled out without so much as an ounce of the humor incorporated in the prank and some of them learned their lesson!!! 

Strange Law Archive

North Dakota has rejected a law to erect signs warning motorists not to throw human waste onto the road side, for fear the signs would discourage tourism.

So that's what they think would discourage people from visiting the state of North Dakota eh?  It couldn't possibly be the overall appearance of the place...flat...I mean flat...think Wile E. Coyote...Acme Anvil backfire...cliff dropping...canyon floor flat...that's North Dakota...it's the Welcome doormat to Saskatchewan...next to Nome Alaska and the North Pole...No Dak is the 3rd coldest place on the planet...there aren't any mountains...very few hills and even fewer trees...trees must have been a status symbol amongst No Dak farmers @ one time...because the only place you ever see them is on the north and west sides of old farmhouses to try and serve as a windbreak...even Christmas trees are improted...the hills that dot the landscape here and there are probably the result of motorists throwing human waste onto the road side from as far back as the covered wagon days...even then nobody wanted to stop in that state...you can drive for hours in that state without seeing another living thing...grass included...no buildings...no gas stations...even the wind howls thru No Dak screaming along on its way to Minnesota...I doubt very seriously that human waste flinging warning signs are the real reason for the lack of tourism in that state...North Dakota is the plaid pant wearing, bib droolin, bastard step child of the United States...people don't go there to visit...people end up there because of 2 reasons...A) They either haven't embraced technology and purchased a GPS or Smartphone with Navigation...or B)  The individual driving the car wants to prove that his manly instincts will get them out of this mess by that little internal "I'm not lost goddamn it...shut your mouth Edith" compass which has deposited their Arizona bound asses somewhere north of Mt. Rushmore yet south of Moose Raping Manitoba...trust me out of all the states North Dakota is my 51st favorite...that's right 51st...I'd grant Puerto Rico statehood before I'd visit the...human fecal flinging fear factory of North Dakota again...a note to lawmakers there...post the damn signs...hell you can plant one every 3 feet along every major highway...there are 2 of those...and I'll guarantee nobody notices...they'll still drive thru at the breakneck speed of "Get me outta here damn it this ain't funny"...and if you're venturing that way in the near future please...please get a map or a GPS...the last thing you wanna do is end up at the intersection of "Boy you sure gotta purty mouth" and "the place Truckers go to get raped"

http://astore.amazon.com/todstid-20    This is a link to my online Amazon store...for your shopping convenience!  Click on this link, then add to your favorites!!!

My Amazon Store

http://astore.amazon.com/todstid-20    This is a link to my online Amazon store...for your shopping convenience!  Click on this link, then add to your favorites!!!

An To Ti

In the first month of the Bell Telephone Company's existence in 1877, only six telephones were sold.

A true model of persistence and perserverance...I don't know if they still exist today or not... I haven't heard of Bell Telephone Company for some time now...I do remember when they were found guilty of operating a Monopoly and had to break up their company and sell off bits and chunks...but can you imagine being a salesman for Bell...I was a Kirby vacuum salesman for about a year and a half in the 2000's...I can't imagine walkin around trying to sell telephones to people across America...how do you go up to somebodys door and pitch that little idea...Good Day folks...allow me to introduce myself...my name is Ichabod Turner (I.T.)  I just happen to have this fancy new gadget I'd like to show ya...it is all the rage in 5 homes across this great country how would you like to be the 6th?  Now what this here thing will do is let you call up to 5 other people you've never met and talk about all the things you don't have in common.  Here's the catch folks...if you buy this little contraption from me now you'll be the 6th sale this year and with nymbers like those you can see how this thing is gonna snowball...within the next 3-4 generations every house in America will have one...and within 5-6 generations everybody will carry one in their pocket...I can't imagine trying to sell that thing back in 1877...there weren't even enough telephone lines strung up to make a damn call farther than the next room...and look at us now...first it was the automobile...every family had to have @ least 1...it was a status symbol...then families started downsizing and yet found it necessary to purchase a 2nd vehicle...they were the rich folks on the block...then it was tv's...every family had to have one...then 2...then 3,4...however many rooms a house had we needed a tv in each one...now it's computers and even more so cell phones...there was a time in this country when a family would vacation together...they would pack up the old vinyl wood sided grocery getter and head off to a beach or the mountains...they would get all the way to their destination unpack and find out they left something @ home...they would get mildly upset say a few things..."DRATS...I left my hair gel @ home...and my swell comb too"  and that was it...on with the vacation...nowadays try goin on vacation with someone...hell offer to run across town with somebody who hasta be @ an appointment in 15 minutes...they'll get hurriedly ready...forget to eye make-up over one eye...wear 2 different colored socks a polkadot miniskirt with a plaid shirt hair in a bun...rush out the door hop in the car...get 10 feet from the door to the building they need to enter in 2 minutes, reach into their purse to turn their cell phone to silent...realize they don't have it...stop dead in their tracks turn around and fly back home to get it...our society and its citizens have become entirely too dependant on technology...I don't need a phonebook anymore...have no use for a landline phone...the USPS may as well go bankrupt I never send anything thru them anymore...and over half the shit that clogs my PO Box is junk...it's SPAM on paper...my damn computer can weed out the shit I don't want from my inbox...but good old Bertha down at the East Jordan Post Office can't seem to figure it out...they shove that shit in everyones box and yet place a recycling bin next to the door...as the middleman should I demand my cut in this chain of unnecessary events??

An To Ti

Research from the Mayo Clinic has determined there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus.  It is the Anal Optic Nerve and is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.  If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes

If you have enough ass hair, and its long enough for you to pull one you're...A)  in need of a professional wax ANALyst to assist with this desperate condition...manscaping fellas, get with the times...B)  a European Pole Dancer and altho 'Pigtails from the Poopchute' was a popular nightclub attraction back in the '70's, it's time for a trim...C)  the new centerfold in Playmates for Prisoners, a monthly subscription service...last months issue was subtitled 'Hairy assed Houdinis of Hoag Maximum Penitentiary'...D)   auditioning for a nude photo shoot for Bigfoot Quarterly, hoping to be spank mag material for Sasquatch's in the Northwest, or Squatches as they're referred to by the idiots who spend countless hours trying to prove they exist, by stompin around woods and forests, hootin, snortin, and hollerin...AT NIGHT...if you're gonna make all that damn noise, shouldn't ya just do it durin the day, at least that way if ya stumble across a deaf one sleepin, it will be entertaining to say the least.  And just so we are clear, the rest of the Mayo clinic research says that if you don't pass gas in public, if you don't float an air biscuit when the need arises, all that methane gas backs up inside a body and travels back up the anal optic nerve where it spills over and creates shitty ideas, so, if you find yourself doing alotta stuff alone on the weekends, try bein a little more flatulent at the work place, if ya can't shave or wax it, tryin burnin the hair out, you'll no your successful if ya let one fly and the dog vomits, trust me...until you've cleared an entire room at the Smithsonian you must bow to the Pharoah of flatulence, pass gas and think more clearly!  Btw, have you ever noticed that the moment you walk into a spider web you instantly become a ninja...lol

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

A San Diego man sued the city for emotional trauma during a concert when he saw women using the men's rest room

There are 3 things that stand out immediately about this little tidbit...A)  Women in San Diego must pee standing up, you can't sit in a urinal...B)  At least one guy in San Diego is appalled enough by the site of this he took action...and C)  At least one of these women had a damn tree growin where there shouldn't be nothin but wetlands...if either A or C are wrong, then this guy is a peter puffin, knob gobbler who volunteers to be the pivot man at the weekly rainbow warriors circle jerk session...c'mon, what kinda Ken doll lovin queer is this little light in the loafers lollygagger...I can't think of anybody I hang out with who wouldn't, immediately upon seeing several women utilizing the mens room, snap pics, text them to attending friends with directions...(mens room upper bowl section 12F) and then litter their facebook wall with evidence that they're the best photographer Hustler's Hometown Hotties had ever seen!!! 

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Scientists have determined that Los Angeles, CA is moving east at a rate estimated to be about one-fifth an inch per year.

1/5 of an inch per year - SERIOUSLY!!

Well that explains it all...more of our taxpayers money put to good use...the illegal immigrant infestation problem in Southern Cali has gotten so bad that the land itself is making a run (in millenial terms) for Arizona...unfortunately as slow and lazy as our siesta taking global siblings of the south are, they should be in Flagstaff and/or Phoenix by the time L.A. gets there in the year 12,356...these dumb assed data gatherin expeditions need to start being independantly funded...do you wanna know when the next Tsunami is gonna hit...build your house on a mountain and you won't hafta concern yourself with giant walls of water inundating your living room...how long before the next earthquake swallows my house...if ya live in L.A. I wouldn't worry about it, you're all on the move to safer soil, just bare with it a couple hundred generations...what a bunch of brainiacs these scientists...12 years of college and all the sudden L.A. is the only thing movin...what effin part of the continental shifting of plates did your ass sleep thru...hey I never went to college but thru the magic of eyesight and cognitive thinking I have determined that water levels in Lake Michigan are rapidly declining...'But Kevin...(you might ask)...how can this be so, there hasn't been any scientific finding posted explaining this huge loss of water...how can you be so sure' well my friends it's simple...we have beaches where there used to be boat launches...DUH!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

Is that what made him great?

As a matter of fact it is what made him Great...can you imagine rising to power thru the magic of fits and seizures...I mean even as a child on the playground little Alex must have struck fear in the hearts of his friends, enemies, and the lunchroom bully when he would just flip wig and start floppin around like a fish out of water...later in life as he grew into power and started conquering the world, the epileptic fits and seizures served him well, especially on the field of war, mid battle you drop to the ground as if wounded, arms and legs flailing, foaming at the mouth, just as your fellow soldiers and enemies stop to watch you perish, you hop back up and take them by surprise...it was at this time Alex began to attempt nicknames...Alex the epileptic...Alex the Elusive...Almighty Alex...Spastic Al...Xander the Zippy...The Magnificent Macedonian...as you can see most of the nicknames didn't stick and for good reason...none of those strike fear into the hearts of enemies...hell most of them sound like cheap parlor trick magician names...but Alexander the Great now thats just downright intimidating...follow that up with a little episode that looks like a combination of a 2 year old throwin a tantrum and a woman table hoppin from a mouse...Scary!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity.

That's why the Cheshire cat's teeth glowed in the dark!!

Well that only makes sense...gotta have some glow in the dark material in it somewhere...can't have a bunch of old gummies on crutches runnin round the nursin homes at night lookin for their teeth...or for that matter grabbin the wrong set...mmmm...TAS TEE!!!  Probably causes that stuff....whassit called...ummmm...where ya can't remember stuff...I forget...oh yeah...Alzheimers...which is great news for me, Imma buy a set whether I need em or not, that way I can flip shit on the nurses I don't like, and flirt with the ones better lookin...maybe I'll even get them gold plated with diamond accents...BLING BLING...I'd come up with a hip hop nickname...let's see...Ol Dirty Bastard has already been taken....maybe....Ol Crippled Crabass...my wheelchair will be set on 22's with low profile Pirelli's...we'll bump to the Black Eyed Pees (thats right Pees, they'll change their name to fit their age and habits) everyone do the Quasimoto Kick...(its a two step tango....step, drag, step, drag), flash your best glow in the dark grin, grab a wrinkled bag of skin (partner) and do the Walker Waltz!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

You lose enough dead skin cells in your lifetime to fill 8 five-pound flour bags.

EEEEE-WWWWW!

Whats with the numbers game here...if I shed 8-5lb sacks of cells...is that the same as 1-40lb sack, or 16-2.5lb sacks???  Honestly tho where do they come up with this number...there are far too many factors involved with the computation of this formula for it to be accurate...are you tellin me that 500lb Fried Chicken eatin Freida is gonna shed no more dead cells than Eddie the Ethiopian who's belly gets full on a grain of rice...I don't think so...I doubt old Larry the Leper is just gonna stop sheddin flesh @ 40lbs...or how about 80yr old Charlie who walks around lookin like a commercial for Cornflakes gone Crazy...some of the flesh this guys flakin off his forehead hafta weigh 5lbs each...and I'm just guessin here but they say the act of sex causes a person to burn up to 300 calories...which would lead one to believe that the friction from fornication would result in a 5lb deposit...in flesh alone...somewhere...and you thought the wet spot was sick...lol

Strange Law Archive SLA

From the archive of strange laws:

In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

LOL!!

You know...that law doesn't surprise me...what is shocking tho is that at some point in time, the elected officials of Georgia (pronounced by its peachy people as Jah - Jah), felt it necessary to pass a law requiring telephone poles and lamp posts to be free of of the old African Longnecked Humpless Camel...or Giraffe as its more commonly known today...which means that at some point in the history of the deep south...Atlanta to be exact...or the A T L for all you hip hop hoodrats...one of these redneck, hickabilly, moonshine makin, inbred swine came up with the brilliant idea of hitchin his pet Rubbernecked Rhino (Giraffe) to a lamp post or telephone pole, and if that weren't bad enough, he apparently made such a habit of it that they had to pass a law in order to prevent it from happening again...ona positive note...at least now we know where the ancestry of the American Carnie began...hotdogs...peanuts...cotton candy...whirly twirly rides only a droolie would find amusing...and drunk hickabillies paid to tend aminals all began with some gin soaked Cracker in Jah-Jah

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

Just thought you might need that little bit of information!

This was an ingenious evolutionary occurrence, whether by design or pure happenstance, depending on your present belief system...so many things can be done with the Tragus...as little kids you can put a finger on each Tragus and rapidly push and release...makes a neat little wah wah sound...awful entertaining...for a 3 year old...(get your fingers off your tragus' readers...its a story...not pictionary)...as you get older and start dating the tragus becomes a nice place to spill your secrets to your significant other...it will only be after you leave each other that you will wish he/she had been makin the wah wah sound instead of listening to every word you said...at some point during the know-it-all teenage years, and the early adulthood years, the tragus becomes a symbol of toughness amongst the body for a pin cushion crowd, and becomes a pedestal for piercing...in your late 20's to early 30's reality sets in, the piercing stud is removed, and career paths are chosen...somewhere along the line the Tragus becomes a hitching post for earphones or bluetooth devices...then in your early 40's it miraculously springs to life in a vibrant hue of black and gray hairs...here on this tiny atoll of otherwise useless flesh sprouts a forest so dense very little survives in it...even sound...theres no echo...you hafta pull out the tweezers and get to clearin the forest in hopes of once again hearing...eventually you give up trying, and resort to hiding a miniature megaphone amongst the branches, hopin to pick up even the remotest of noises...hearing nothin more than a rambling stream of gobble dee gook, which in turn causes you to utter the ever so famous   WHA WAS THAT...or COME AGAIN...SAY THAT AGAIN YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPER...wherd would we be without the Tragus...up to our eyeballs in useless inventions...like bluetooth headsets and tweezers thats where!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

The song with the longest title is "I'm a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama Doin' Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o Hirohito Blues" - written by Hoagy Carmichael.

Thats just crazee...those effin rednecks will do anything to get noticed...I am glad Momma posted this, because for the longest time I thought the song with the longest title was 'My baby done left me, she runned off with my best good friend Skip, he was the most awesome blue tick hound I ever saw, think I'll drink my sorrows away, its quittin time in Kentucky maybe I'll get lucky and meet a gal who likes Skoal more 'n I do, Bubba says I'm beautiful when my truck breaks down and I fire up the tractor and daydream of farm animals as I drive to work...SUE SUE SUEY!!!'  written by Ol Side Saddle Slew...and put ta music for your listenin enjoyment by Shep, Shamus, and the Soggy Bottom Bunch, the first Irish Country band, so thanks for clearin that up Momma...now on a side note...Why I am so depressed...Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land'  Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said 'Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the Promised Land'  Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.  I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...folks we're fucked!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

in the 1700's, in London, England you could purchase insurance against going to hell.

Oh Boy!!

Oh Boy is right...lemme see if I understand this correctly...are you suggesting that in England during the 1700's it wasn't enough to simply attend church, confess your weekly sins, make a donation based on income (called a tithing) and say a few Hail Mary's or Our Fathers thereby saving your soul from the fires of eternal damnation, but that you were also presented with the opportunity to purchase insurance too!!!  What was it called Comprehensive Confessional and Condemnation...was there a sliding Dante's Deductible scale...kinda like a cuss jar...probably had neat little advertising jingles too...Break a Commandment for a Schilling...Fornicate with thy Neighbors wife for a Farthing...Poke a Prostitute for a Pound...the real genius is in the man who capitalized on this idea...can you imagine selling an idea to an enormous amount of people...having their collective conscience buy into the notion that for a mere pittance of the weekly paycheck they could insure their souls from the deepest depths of Hades...thats just an abomination...duping people into believing in something that doesn't exist, and then exacting a financial stipend from those believers, by playing on the simplest of fears...Hey...wait a damn minute...didja say England during the 1700's???  I'm almost certain something very similar is happening this coming Sunday in some of the wealthiest Non Profit Agencies around the world...now being a quick study and also eager to jump on the 'Pay the Piper' bandwagon I will be selling Apocalyptic Annunaki Insurance from now until halfway thru Hannukah next year...if by chance you are abducted, anally probed, or otherwise impregnated by 10' tall Aliens from the Planet X, on or about Dec 21st 2012, we'll reimburse any wages lost in the failed Hellfire and Brimstone Insurance scam of the late 1700's

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts.

Yum Yum Yum

Yeah because as we all know Flamingo's infest Italy and its Carribbeanesque tropical temperatures...so much so theres a Roman Shrimp Shortage...causing such an outrage that a special hunting season has been suggested...several Roman warriors and Praetorians are ecstatic...looking forward to Gladiator Games @ the Coli, featuring such rare delicacies as Flamingo Feet Fettuccine...Royal Pink Flamingo Ravioli...and of course lets not forget the Flamingo Tongue Tortellini...seriously...the Flamingo is a Tropical bird, and even if by some chance it strayed off course and landed in Italy...can you possibly imagine how many Flamingo Tongues it would take to feed a family of four...let alone it being a delicacy for a Royal Feast...I apologize for sounding skeptical...but this sounds about as feasible as Penguin Beak Aphrodisiacs are to the Greeks...unless there were a few lost Roman ships, and a couple lost chapters in history regarding Rome conquering Florida or Cuba, I find it highly unlikely Romans even know,Flamingoes have tongues!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

From the strange law archive:

In Turkey, during the 16th & 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

Good Lord - what did they think was in that coffee???

Have you ever had Turkish coffee???  That junk looks like Shrek Shit and Swamp Mud...one cup of that crap probably keep ya bug eyed and bushy tailed for weeks...its no wonder they'd put ya to death...can't have wide awake ultra alert men runnin around, they'd end up seeing all those ugly ass unibrow wearin, hairy necked heifers runnin around and they'd go runnin and screamin for the hills and the sheep...banning coffee was a surefire way of helping populate the country...I mean seriously...take one look at the missing link, Cro-Magnon crossbreeds and you can see why they needed help...this is one country you never wanna see the towels come off the facial area...live free and look like bandits I say...just keep it covered for the love of Allah...buncha damn foul smelling Camel jockeys anyway...whadda they all live in mangers!!!

Strange Law Archive

In some states it is now required by law:

On the handle of a hammer:  "Caution.  Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object."

On a butane lighter:  "Warning.  Flame may cause fire."

Seriously????  DUH!!

You can thank the helmet heads they pooled as a jury during the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit...awarding one person millions of dollars for purposely buying a cup of hot brewed liquid and then accidently pouring said contents on themselves in a rather sensitive area...what a fustercluck country we live in where common sense can be trumped by the absence of an unnecessary warning label...I mean seriously...now everytime we buy somethin we hafta pay extra because the company selling it feels the anal probing need to overspend on packaging in order to ensure all warning labels are legible and spelled out in great detail...I feel bad for these guys...there should only be one warning label needed...KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND ALL INBRED NOSE PICKIN DROOL BUCKET WEARIN HALFWITS!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Influenza got its name from the fact that people believed the disease was because of the evil "influence" of the stars!

The evil influence of the stars eh???  Hell if the stars were evil...how, pray tell, did they view the moon???  Not only is this thing responsible for creating high and low tides...it also conjurs images of savage, hairy, growling, howling, man-eating, moon loving beasts, that only come around once a month as the moon cycles...and then theres werewolves, who, altho scary in their own right, can't hold a candle to the Midol Munching, Cramp Catching, Bigfoot of Bloating and Irritability...a true Medusa of mind your own damn business mentality...the modern woman...and don't....whatever you do...allow more than one mature one to occupy a single dwelling...be forewarned, if you overpopulate an area smaller than 2500 sq ft, with more than one of these lip snarling...scowling...female praying mantis' of menstruation, they possess the inate ability to communicate telepathically and attune their bodies so that they may howl, scream, burst ear drums, decapitate the heads of all non moon worshipping tripeds (men), or otherwise make existence for said beings more miserable and depressing than that of a diehard Lions fan!!!  Watching these female species in full cyclical change in accordance with orbit of our planets moon is it any wonder where the word 'lunacy' came from ???

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

In the Durango desert, in Mexico, there is a creepy spot called the "Zone of Silence."  You cannot pick up TV or radio signals and the locals say fireballs appear in the sky.

Really???  Lemme get this straight...you want me to believe that a desert...in Mexico...doesn't get radio or tv signals...for real yo...thats whack...you mean to tell me that in the middle of an enormous sand covered area there isn't any radio or tv available...I am just flabbergasted...Idk what to say about this Zone of Silence....its the desert people...and guess what I'm pretty sure that right here in the good old US of A we have a dead spot or two down around Death Valley, or out in Arizona...now maybe if sound was completely absent...no echo...no reverberation, that would be amazing...be alotta unhappily married men movin to Mexico I can tell ya that....oh...oh...oh...this just in...breaking news...cell phone companies...as well as tv and radio stations have just announced they have been negligent in the erection of broadcast towers in the following areas...all deserts, where there is more sand than plant, animal, or alien life forms...all ice encased land masses, like the poles for instance, and all areas made up mostly of slippery wet stuff like oceans...apparently some idiot savant in charge has determined that cell, radio, and tv signals aren't required in areas where there are no people who possess cell phones, radios, or tvs...BRILLIANT!!!  As for the fireballs in the sky...hello???  Desert...cactus...blue agave...tequila...if you had no tv...no radio...no cell phone and were in the desert what would you do???  Thats right...get blind drunk on tequila til ya danced with the worm beneath 'fireballs' in the sky...sounds like an old Marty Robbins tune...Fireballs in the sky...it never ceases to amaze me the things educated people can't seem to figure out...Maxwell Smart had a Cone of Silence...didn't work out so well for him either...lmao!!!

Strange Law Archive SLA

From the archive of strange laws:

During WWII, bakers in the U.S. were ordered to stop selling sliced bread.  Only whole loaves were sold to the public.  It was never explained how this action helped the war effort.

As we all know WWII was a troubling and difficult time for this country...the government ignored numerous warning signs about Evil Empires in the East and Diabolical Dick-taters in Europe...most new inventions were compared to sliced bread..."that's the greatest thing since sliced bread"...most bakeries were owned by people of the Jewish persuasion...the original Body of Christ Biscuit bakers...as America entered the war in both theaters most of it's citizens feared the worst...a war on 2 fronts couldn't possibly end in our favor...we were almost assured of having to deal with a losing effort in one campaign or the other...the US Gov't feared that bakery owners...the Jesus Slayers in other words...would all unite for a common cause...to join the Service and fight the Nazi's...in doing such they would take with them all the bread slicing machines of the day...knives...thereby leaving a country just out of depression without the single greatest inventor of all time...the Bread Slicer...you may have seen him in Inglorious Basterds...he carried bats for the Bear Jew...had the US Gov't not banned the sale of sliced bread, the Bread Slicer would've had to stay here, and Aldo the Apache, Hugo Stiglitz, and the Bear Jew would've just been another band of Cross Carryin Christ Killers...we woulda lost the war in Europe...Hollywood would be showing shit movies like Nation's Pride and deli's around the country would have bigger ovens and tastier bread...and that my friends is why the sale of sliced bread was banned!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

"When hooked up to an EEG machine, a bowl of lime Jello exhibits the identical brain waves of a healthy adult."

I think we all know some people with jello brains!!

That's just what I wanted to know...somewhere in history somebody who was apparently in the medical field, used their extensive college education to hook an EEG machine up to a bowl of lime green jello and came to the conclusion that the readout was identical to that of a healthy adult...probably a better than average chance this individual still walks among us... still in debt up to their eyeballs with a plethora of unpaid student loans, that continue to burden society, and bankrupt our economy, all in the name of better 'tasting' medicine... This Med School graduate had a Tommy Chong or 2 as frat brothers...you know this is one of my biggest fears...I'll get one of my kids thru college...years of student loans to pay back...a degree in a chosen career field...only to find out my little genius wasted several years conducting experiments to end up with his ignomious results posted in one of grandma's daily tidbits...Research has shown that if you snort a limp noodle doused in hot sauce thru a straw it has the same narcotic effect of cocaine...it'll cross your eyes...numb the back of your throat, and have ya pukin in no time...or Didja know that sniffing airplane glue while in flight has the exact same effect as a dog stickin its head out the window...your ears are likely to flap around uncontrolably, and the passengers sitting behind you are gonna needa towel to wipe all that drool off...Didja know if you get a blond a hunting license...give them a gun...send them into the woods to look for tracks, they'll eventually find and follow the tracks right up to the minute the train runs them over...lol...My favorite experiment is the one where you throw a piece of glass, some old shoe leather, an asshole, and a southern accent into a blender...you end up with a draft dodging, window lickin, helmet headed moron with political ambitions named Dumbya...I'm just thankful the ignorant bastard didn't have any male athletes amongst his little swimmers at the Olympics of Conception...we don't ever need to hear the name BUSH associated with anything outside of baked bean commercials!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

A 20 year old protester was arrested after he assaulted a congresswoman from Iowa with a salmon.

The mental picture makes me laugh out loud!

Idk but I think I'd be pretty embarassed if I got my ass handed to me by some young, fresh, fish flinging constituent, on the other hand the 3 'F' rule does apply to all members of congress...'F'uck em and 'F'eed em 'F'ish, I'm a little surprised by the choice of Salmon as the instrument of assault, especially in the corn farming mecca of Iowa...one would think an ear of corn would be a handier, less slimy and slippery weapon of choice, besides the mental image of a member of congress beat up and bent over shootin popcorn outta their keister is far funnier than a fish in the face anyday, and just let me say that 20 yr old protestor should be worshipped as a hero in his community, hell if I had the money I'd start up the Idol of Iowa Cereal Company and paste this kids face on a box of Congressional Cornflakes...complete with Calcium and Confusion...or Dumbass Donut Holes for that future Delegate you may be harboring...they'll taste like unleavened cornbread and shitty ideas....or how about some Greedy Government Grits...guaranteed to make one loose as a goose while Congress is in session...White House Wheaties, comes with a Secret Service Decoder Ring in every box, you can use it to decipherate the oralificationic clues left behind by Dumbya as he attemptifies his hand @ the locationism of Where's Waldo!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

The King and Queen of the Gypsies are buried in Rose Hill Cemetery in Meridian, MS.
Really???  King and Queen of the Gypsies eh???  Buried you say...and there was no heir to this most coveted throne???  Were they the only 2 Gypsies without the ability to procreate???  Was there only one family of Royalty among the Gypsies???  Whaddaya think woulda happened if the Royal Gypsy family had married outside the clan???  Most early Gypsies were coppersmiths, I'm curious...if the Prince of the Gypsies had eloped and married a Jewish Princess would they have started their own sub clan...the Jewsies...maybe they founded New Joysey...you know how copper wire was invented...a Gypsy and a Jew playin tug of war with a penny!!!  On a side note I am a huge Cowboys fan...just ask my Momma...let me go on record and say my beloved Cowboys will NEVER win a Super Bowl with Romo the Homo @ quarterback...this guys sucks like a broke whore on nickle night...and you can bury him backside up right next to the Gypsies for all I care...this effin idiot makes me wanna watch the Lions, and I'd normally rather watch elephants fart ina muddy pool...lol

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Dating back to the 1600's, thermometers were filled with Brandy instead of Mercury.

And the reason would be?

Well now that makes perfect sense...dating back to the Cro Magnon/Neandrathal days weather forecasters have been guessing at the weather from inside the cave...honestly I don't get it, that has got to be the biggest waste of time and money to go to school to learn how to predict the weather...voodoo witchcraft classes would be more beneficial.  I personally have never attended a single second of a weather predicting class...yet with the simple effort of lifting my gaze to stare out the window I can comfortably enlighten you as to current conditions in my general vicinity...It's partly cloudy (which could be loosely interpreted, or at the very least, taken to also mean and include, partly sunny)...according to the trees itsa bit breezy...now if I want further detail I need not turn on a radio, a TV, or even consult a weather app on my smart phone...no folks all I need do is put forth a bit more effort, rise from my seat, and walk a mere 20 feet, open a door, and Viola'...my own centrally located thermometer kicks in...on a day such as this in Northern Michigan, my thermometer, which is neither filled with Mercury or Brandy, immediately tells me today is brisk, the temperature is indicative of fall, and a sweater may be appropriate if an extended stay in the outdorrs is imminent...'but Kevin how is this possible?' you might ask...its really very simple actually...being a member of the commando crew, as soon as I elect to step out into the open air, the twig and berries temp taker is instantaneous and always spot on...this morning the reading came back...slightly shriveled with a leaner, hence the explanation of fall in the air, had it came back hibernating and tucked away, a winter coat may have been in order with long johns...had it come back with a reading that sounded like I had a mouthful of marbles and hadn't reached puberty yet, one could determine that full blown winter was upon us, and that neither me nor my thermometer were very happy.  I believe thermometers of the 1600's were filled with Brandy instead of Mercury because Brandy tasted better, and since most weather predicting inventions didn't work, they may as well serve some function...I know me and my thermometer enjoy a shot of Crown Royal on a cold night...about the only site I've found that was worth a damn at telling the weather can be found by following this link... http://www.thefuckingweather.com/  Accurate...Direct...and to the point...and now for Kevin's 24/7 forecast no matter where in the world you happen to be... it's gonna be mostly cloudy with possible partly sunny conditions...chance of rain, sleet or snow...50/50...Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Cyclones, Typhoons, Earthquakes, Volcanic Ash Spewing Eruptions, Tsunami's and other really bad shit could happen anywhere at anytime, don't panic that's what happens on this rock, if you start running around all willy nilly spouting end of the world shit everytime the skies turn black I'm gonna kick you off this planet...it's night...happens once every 24 hours, grab a pacifier and blankie and stfu the rest of us hafta work tomorrow!!!  Weathermen...thats a profession in deseperate need of an on call proctologist...a bunch of dumbasses sittin around in a windowless brick building staring at radar screens to determine whats going on outside that damn building...they're kinda like the colostomy bag of the nightly news...full of useless shit that nobody wants to look at!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Time slows down near a black hole; inside time stops completely.

I'm not sure why we need to know this, but I'm sure Kevin will enlighten us!!

How many of you have been inside a black hole???  And NO I'm not
referring to the Brillo Pad Betty your boys pitched in on to rid you
of your virginity on your 28th birthday!  I am always amazed and the
absolutely outrageous and unfounded theories put forth by the
scientific community...time slows down as it approaches a black
hole...once inside time stops completely...lets consider for a moment
that 'time' isn't an actual physical entity...it is in fact an
idea...you can't reach out and touch it...smell it...taste it...hear
it...nor can you see it...scientists, who one would assume know more
about physics than some cell phone salesman in the hinterlands of
Northern Michigan, put forth a theory having you believe that 'time'
is capable of motion and therefore stoppable...personally I think the
black hole lies somewhere between the ears of the genius who
hypothesized this theory in the first place...scientists also claim
anything approaching a black hole gets caught in the hyper vacuum it
creates, from which even light is inescapable...well duh dumbass it's
called a 'black hole'...not a foggy hole, or a hazy hole...time
doesn't stop for anyone or anything...especially some George Lucas
script..."Time and the Black Hole"...I don't know what happens in or
around a black hole for certain...probably because the nearest one is
so many light years away it would take 4 generations to get to, and
that alone should enlighten you to the simple fact you can't believe
everything you hear comin out of the over educated, misinformed
scientific community...good lord...a black hole causing time to slow
down and come to a stop...hey genius...if time functions as a
constant...meaning it flows at the same rate continually...until it
approaches the black hole and then begins to slow down until it
finally enters the black hole and then it stops...what happens to all
that fast moving time that is still on its way...does it bottleneck at
the gaping entrance to the black hole...because one would be safe in
assuming that if time stops still, all time that follows would
eventually stop due to a logjam at the exit ramp of outer
space...whadda they think theres an unfound 'White Hole" at the
opposite end that sucks up all this stopped time and spits it back out
at twice it's normal speed??  Look my ass has a black hole, and quite
honestly nothing...not even time slows down or stops when it's within
a few feet of my miniature space replica...as a matter of fact it's
usually quite the opposite...until they send a space craft occupied or
otherwise directly into the heart of a black hole, I'm gonna go out on
a limb and suggest that a black hole is still an unknown
phenomenon...you know like when the Lions win a game...or the Tigers
wake up every few years and flirt with the notion of kickin everyone's
ass and claiming the Crown...LMAO!!!  Have a Great Weekend

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

In 1911, a dog was killed by a meteor in Nakhla, Egypt.  The unlucky canine is the only creature known to have been killed by a meteor.

So the BIG BANG theory???  Out the window with that one ay???   Dinosaurs were actually aliens who left of their own accord...is that what I'm hearin???  I knew it...all the dinosaur bones found at museums like the Smithsonian are a hoax...carved, chiseled, and otherwise created by archaeologists, out of stone...claimed to be petrified fossils...all a big sham...next you'll tell me we didn't land on the moon...the flag photo was staged...probably by the same school of scientists...whats next...I mean holy asteroid belt batman...am I gonna find out that after years and years of study...countless millions of dollars in research...a thousand different published opinions and theories...that the Mayan calendar actually and accurately depicts the exact date the Detroit Lions clinch their next division title...instead of the end of the world???  I mean altho that event isn't in the bible or ancient hindu text...dead sea scrolls...or the koran, I could see how that might be misconstrued as an End of Days event...or maybe...just maybe you're gonna tell me that we have proof of extra terrestial intelligent life and that we have one in residence on our planet...that it is a big eared, helmet wearin, window lickin, paint chip eatin, short bus captain...goes by the mexican name of Jorge...and his greatest skill are all the new words he madeified up for the english linguisticalismination society...at least then I could rest easy in the fact that all those redneck abduction/anal probing stories were made up, and were in fact the direct result of some drunken hickabilly's midnight redevous with that other hairy assed creature everyone mistakes for Sasquatch...his sister with a strap-on!!!

An To Ti Another Today's Tidbit

Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating.  In other words, it's a nice tall glass of bacteria doo-doo!

I'm changing to wine!!

Change to wine all you want...its just French bacteria thats more full of shit than American beer bacteria...it must be a necessary ingredient our ancient alien forefathers included in our DNA..."every so often these humanoid offspring need to ingest enough bacteria dung to have an out of body experience, that's the only way we will be able to show up unannounced, abduct Bubba, teach him the rules of the donkey while we 'pin' his tail on, and get away with it"  Most research suggests that alcohol...or as we like to call it...cell mutating bacteria caca...sounds more sophisticated...anyway, in moderation it appears to have healthful effects on the human body...and as is always the case some of the human lab rats are always eager to impress, so they are subject to the overimbibification ...(trust me it's in Dubya's Dictionary for Dummies Revised Post Presidential Edition Vol. 5)...process just to see how much an alien abductee can withstand having phalangetically inserted in his backwoods ass rectal compartment, once his cranial intelligence capacitator is removed...ever notice you never see Koreans drunk or professing alien abduction, yet they seem to live long healthy lives...they eat Kim-Chee...and if you think yeast cell consumption by bacteria in beer is bad...you need to get a whiff of this stuff...its gotta be the equivalent of bad Mexican food and horse laxatives for the bacteria...this stuff smells like an all night prison bitch buffet...a million nervous sweaty swamp asses suffocating in the stench of methane, burning rubber and vaseline...and yet considered not only consumable but also a delicacy...so eat up, drink up, and be healthy!!!

Strange Law Archive SLA

From the strange law archive:

Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.

Come on!! 

Welcome to America...land of the strangest laws known to man...you can't mail an entire building across the country, but what you can do is mail white powder anywhere in the country and scare the living hell out of a few thousand people...start an anthrax scare...shut down whole sections of government...if you work for UPS you'll undoubtedly remember the United Pot Smugglers incident...they were without a doubt one of the biggest marijuana traffickers in their heydey.  I love this country...it's apparently been illegal for anyone coming here...anyone living here...or anyone wanting to seek refuge here to do so with a lick of common sense...mailing a 40,000 ton brick house across Utah in 1916...a mere 8 years after an assembly line was invented for the production of automobiles...so lemme ask you...do you think it's likely...or even possible...that in a mere 8 years our country built its first automobile plant in Michigan...producing such an enormous amount of vehicles that the Mormon tyranny of Utah took it upon themselves to started paving roads and building interstates wide enough to carry a 40,000 ton brick house on a flatbed???  Chances are if you had mentioned a flatbed back in 1916...in Utah...you probably woulda gotten some funny looks form Brigham Young and his 40 wives...nope the fact that there were even 40,000 tons of bricks in the whole state of Utah in 1916 is suspect...it's not like the Salt Flats were the shipping Mecca of the untamed West!  No sir this country is a hotbed of the dumbest...least thought out...anal retentive laws a person could think of.  It has always struck me odd that our forefathers came here to escape the living conditions they were 'subject' to back in the old countries.  Is it just me or is the government really just a cesspool of intellectual aomeba's...mindless, spineless jellylike creatures!!  You think this Utah thing is crazy...have you ever stopped to consider that the 2 most addictive substances known to man...alcohol and tobacco...are available over the counter to anyone of age...and yet anything else that cause a craving is subject to the scrutiny of the blandest most tasteless group of people on earth, government employees...but Kevin there are for more addictive substances out there, surely alcohol and tobacco can't be the cream of the "I need a drink and some nicotine before I behead somebody" crop...and right you would be...but no two other cash cows are produced on the enormous scale that these are...no my friends...mailing an entire building to avoid high shipping freights wasn't the issue in 1916 Utah...the fact that the government couldn't figure out how to spread a .04 cent stamp thin enough they could all take a bite was more likely the culprit...here's a neat little tidbit on how to mail something for free...not that anybody uses the USPS for anything anymore...but should you ever find yourself in need of mailing a letter, a package, or anything under 40,000 tons shaped like a house...place the item inside the envelope...place your name and address in the middle...where you would normally place the addressee information...then in the top left corner of the envelope write the address of where you actually want the piece of mail to end up...do NOT put a stamp on it...walk to your closest mailbox, and drop it in...the post office will notice there isn't a stamp, mark it return to sender...and viola'...package delivered free of charge, courtesy of your overpaid...tax thieving government!!

Strange Law Archive

From the strange law archive:

Women in Florida may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

As well they should...the average age for a Floridian is 84...allowing them to sleep beneath a hair dryer leads to all kinds of societal problems...young kids being dragged to the salon or past the salon might mistake the patron for being dead...tug on their parents sleeve and point at the old blue hair baking beneath the upside down toilet...the parents call 911...police and ambulances show up to perform life saving techniques...scaring all the other citizens who bare witness along the way...the child develops post traqumatic stress disorder from the incident...her parents pay for years of therapy...the child grows up and invents the HDAS...Hair Dryer Alert System...which once installed sends an electic jolt thru the body of the octogenarian occupying the seat...thereby waking them/stunning them back to life...the parent who placed the 911 call not only pays for all those years of therapy for the child, but must also pay for a false response by first responders originating from the phone call...they face charges of obstructing justice...and public nuisance...they are offered a plea deal of attempted second degree murder and domestic terrorism, which they get railroaded into accepting by their first rate court appointed attorney who is running for the Prosecutor's chair come next election...they're sentenced to 40 years in prison...where they get a job on the inside sweeping up hair at the Prison Bitch Boutique...by the time they get out for good behavior new laws have been passed and because of their current age they hafta choose where they wanna live Florida or Arizona...they get a job at a local salon with a cattle prod...because by now the HDAS their daughter invented has been outlawed as cruel and inhumane...the salon owner involved at the beginning had to close up shop after all the bad publicity surrounding the incident...earning a reputation as a Holocaustic Hairdresser...the old blue hair who was mistaken for dead has become very well preserved...the decades beneath the sun...countless hours of fake baking up north during the winter and the weekly hair dryer treatment has left Granny lookin like a petrified leather skinned mountain apple with a head of hair now deemed to be the only completely bullet proof follicle forest in Florida...the first responders that day have long forgotten the events of that fateful day when they almost had to strip old blue hair bare ass naked and perform CPR...so as you can see...a little afternoon nap beneath the blue hair bucket might seem as harmless as a toothless heel hound...but the whirlwind of wild ass things that eminated from that one little close eyed nod have catastophic capabilities...so maybe just maybe there was some thought behind this law...or as is most often the case when it comes to the writing and interpretation of laws there isn't an ounce of common sense involved by anyone participating and our country is doomed...as a matter of fact it gets so bad they change the name of one of the biggest beauty pageants the world has ever seen to Miss Leading America...you hafta be able to confuse yourself along with anybody watching to win...blondes are exempt from this contest as that would give them the unfair advantage...waking up seems to be about all they can handle on a daily basis without disrupting their liitle barbie doll existence...so do yourselves a favor...do NOT fall asleep at the salon...help save us all...

If you were born in Los Alamos, NM during the Manhattan Project (they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albuquerque!

Boy did my Momma hit the nail on the head with that one...Los Alamos New Mexico circa 1950...middle of the desert...southwest quadrant...US of A...population...3 lost souls, a dog...a couple scorpions...maybe a snake...and a beat up cactus plant...I kinda doubt they had a zip code let alone a Post Office to stick a box in...lol...why would they list your POB as a...P.O.B...hmmm...Place of Birth...Post Office Box...who the hell was born ina Post Office Box...Tiny Tim...Tom Thumb...Thumbelina...probably not...have ya ever seen The Hills Have Eyes...that's Los Alamos...Nuketown...Retardville...buncha real winners there...looks like the Elephant Man and the guy from Goonies tag teamed the chick in the picture attached.  Idk about you guys...but if I could have my birthplace listed as a P.O.Box in New Mexico I think I would petition the U.S. Government to declare my lily white ass a piece of male (it's not misspelled...it's a pun) and then anytime I wanted to go somewhere I'd just show up at the post office dressed in a white T-shirt...buck naked from the waist down...with an address on the back of the shirt and an oversized Elvis stamp stuck to my forehead...that's right...you wanna guinea pig nuclear (or nucular as some of the more radiated people used to say when they's in office) weapons on me the least you can do is provide me with cheap airfare...what the hell were they thinking...did they really think they could just mail all the egg headed embryo's to an imaginary Post Office in the middle of the New Mexico desert and nobody would catch on???  Hello???  McFly???  You'd think the mailman would be the first to figure it out...I mean how many times does a guy hafta drive down some dusty 2 track to the middle of a bomb crater before he starts settin off the geiger counters back at headquarters...I'm actually kinda glad the government in this country elected to engage in the various degrees of dumbass testing with atom bombs and hydrogen bombs...and "F" bombs...way back in the '50's...I mean hell if they hadn't figured out how to produce somethin that could get into the wrong hands and wreak havoc throughout the Terrible Towel Head Territories...where would we be today???  Would we be waterboarding people for answers...in a prison cell...somewhere tropical like say...Cuba...just far enough away from American soil to allow our government plausible deniability???  I think NOT!!!  We would probably be minding our own damn business instead of running around preaching Democracy and then shoving our way of life down other people's throats...but Hey...who am I to judge...maybe there were WMD (Weapons of Moronic Debate) in Iraq and our re-invasion of a country...proven to be a buncha Shame faced Sunni Shit talkers...was justified...then again maybe it was all about what Ol' Jed liked to call Texas Tea...either way...next time you happen to be travelling thru New Mexico...Los Alamos to be exact...which I've learned is an old Mexican phrase meaning "nuke me til my asshole falls out everytime I stand up"...take a peak up into the rocky hills as you pass by and give a heary salute to the Humpback Hillbillies who made government guinea pig testing such a successfull endeavor!!!